When it rains it pours

[venusishername]

I would feel whiplash too if some months into house hunting my fiancé had said "eh, let's move to Boston instead!" I can handle some impulsiveness about where to go for dinner, but on major life decisions? No way.

I get it Lana. I am the same as you in that way. I’m not a fly by the seat of my pants person.

You had plans to move to New Orleans by January. You were going to sublet your apartment and find a job out there. He was arguing passionately to get you out there and even willing to talk to your father to convince him that you should move out there. Then he's suddenly over it and wants to come to you. But he can't say when and it's completely out of your control.

Yup. Completely throwing me off too. I wasn’t going to sublet my place, I was going to pack up and leave and put all my things in storage indefinitely. So in a way I’m glad I don’t have to do that right now.

This is...weird. It's yet another step backwards for your relationship. Instead of preparing for s future together you are back to being long-distance indefinitely. I have a feeling if he hadn't asked about your ring size you would have had a very different reaction to the entire situation.

I kind of feel the same… but on the other hand maybe this is better. It is what I have wanted, him to come here… but you are right in one way, we are back to being long distance indefinitely now. I told him that I’m happy he wants to come here but how long am I supposed to wait? I was ready to move there and stop this long distance once and for all. In my mind I was going to make a decision one way or the other (action taken) by January/after the holidays. Now, he thinks I should stay put and he is “working” on coming here. It’s out of my control.

What timeline should there be now? If he says “4 months” that doesn’t mean 4 months to the dot. It means when this current contract is over, IF he has enough money saved to feel comfortable to come here, IF he has a place lined up, so many “if”s.

What should I do? I can be happy to stay here longer and not pack up my life and leave my family (something that was causing me hesitation and I told him so) … but you’re right, now it’s a step backwards in a sense.....

I told him recently how much pressure I’ve been feeling about all the logistics of the move to NOLA, how it’s really all I’ve been thinking about. I admitted to him that I am having a really hard time with the idea of being away from my parents. Once he saw me cry about that. Maybe he got to thinking that it would be in my best interest and his to come here and see how we could make it work.

I still don’t see how asking about my ring size is cause for concern or manipulative. I’m just not following you on this one.

I’m not sure how to take all this. I know how you feel about this relationship, Lana. You don’t feel it’s right if I go back and forth so much, when I am simply getting my spinning thoughts out. You don’t think it should be all over the place and instead have a clear trajectory and concrete plans and all the ducks in a row with no doubts or questions.

What do I do then? I can wait this out and let the relationship run its natural course, whatever that may be, or I can end it out of frustration for not moving forward in the direction and in the timeline that I want.

I just want to be clear… I am not willing to wait indefinitely and have a long distance relationship indefinitely. I need action and I was and am ready to do that. He’s also willing so I guess it’s a matter of who’s going to make a move first. Now the next question is.. should there be the same timeline as I had (after the holidays) now that the “plans” have shifted?

I just don’t know what is right or wrong anymore. I was ready to move there. I was going to take it into my own hands. I truly can’t stand waiting on other people to make decisions when I can make moves myself. I have learned that about myself recently. I’m glad he wants to come here but I don’t feel it would be a permanent move. He may go back to LA. The thing is, with me, I don’t want to move around. I want to settle down and stay put. I’m not a flighty transient person. And he knows that. Not sure if and when he will come to CA, not sure how long he can stay or wants to, it’s really hard to predict the future. We can only plan short term I guess, while being aware of long term goals.

(PS: One hundred pages! Wow!)

Are you sick of me yet? Sometimes I feel I should take a break here or even end this thread….

[NuevoYorko]

Does it hurt your feelings at all that you definitely won't be together in January like you'd been planning (I think- hard to keep track), but now indefinitely keeping things as they are now? Or are you more relieved that you get to stay and he's taken on the potential risk?

 

Do you think he can afford to live in California and support you and a baby? It's very expensive and he is living rent free now, if I remember correctly.

[clia]

What timeline should there be now? If he says “4 months” that doesn’t mean 4 months to the dot. It means when this current contract is over, IF he has enough money saved to feel comfortable to come here, IF he has a place lined up, so many “if”s.

 

It should be basically the same timeline you had planned, with some contingencies so he can finish his contract. Does he expect it will go beyond four months? Can he get out of it if it does? (This isn't a contract that can be extended indefinitely, is it?)

 

But anyway, his contract is likely not just going to end out of the blue one day. He's going to see it coming. So, in the meantime, you can see whether he is actually taking concrete steps to make the move -- i.e. (and I'm just making stuff up because I don't know what he might need to do), looking into where he might want to live (location and affordability) in CA, getting licensed (if he needs to do so to work in CA), making arrangements for others to care for the house he is living in (if he needs to do that), etc... As the contract end draws closer he can make firmer plans. You will be able to observe whether he is doing so or not.

 

As far as the money...does he really not have any money saved to move? What does he really need to bring at this point, anyway? Can't he just pack up his car/truck with his equipment/tools and clothes and move into a furnished place/room for the short term? And wasn't he planning on helping you out financially with your move,that was set to happen two months from now? That said, now that the tables have turned, you should be prepared to contribute financially to his move.

 

The two of you just need to make a plan together. You save money, he saves money, you help how you can in CA, he does what he needs to do, etc. If you don't see any action out of him over the next two/three months, then I honestly think you should just move on. I wouldn't let it go more than six more months, at any rate.

 

Are you sick of me yet? Sometimes I feel I should take a break here or even end this thread….

 

You can't leave us now!

[Eighty_nine]

the good news is that you don't have to relocate and take all the risk, I know you didn't want to do that. But I would consider this a setback. What were the reasons he decided he wanted to come to CA instead of you moving there? This is the first time that I've really wondered if this guy was trying to stall your relationship progressing. But, then there was the ring comment, so I don't know.

[venusishername]

Does it hurt your feelings at all that you definitely won't be together in January like you'd been planning (I think- hard to keep track), but now indefinitely keeping things as they are now? Or are you more relieved that you get to stay and he's taken on the potential risk?

Do you think he can afford to live in California and support you and a baby? It's very expensive and he is living rent free now, if I remember correctly.

I think I’m feeling a lot more settled and relieved to know that he’s willing to come here. I felt a lot of pressure and to be honest, although of course I do like it there and it’s a great city, the initial move was really causing me a lot of stress… as you all could see.

He is not living rent free, but regardless it sure is going to be a BIG difference between the cost of living in LA. I try to warn him of this. I’m not sure if he could fully and completely support me and a baby with one income. I don’t see that he could do that being an independent contractor or union worker on occasional big jobs like this one. Now, living in CA… obviously the job market is better here and higher pay. So it could even out. He wouldn’t have the luxury of low rent if he moved here, that’s for sure.

It should be basically the same timeline you had planned, with some contingencies so he can finish his contract. Does he expect it will go beyond four months? Can he get out of it if it does? (This isn't a contract that can be extended indefinitely, is it?)

But anyway, his contract is likely not just going to end out of the blue one day. He's going to see it coming. So, in the meantime, you can see whether he is actually taking concrete steps to make the move -- i.e. (and I'm just making stuff up because I don't know what he might need to do), looking into where he might want to live (location and affordability) in CA, getting licensed (if he needs to do so to work in CA), making arrangements for others to care for the house he is living in (if he needs to do that), etc... As the contract end draws closer he can make firmer plans. You will be able to observe whether he is doing so or not.

As far as the money...does he really not have any money saved to move? What does he really need to bring at this point, anyway? Can't he just pack up his car/truck with his equipment/tools and clothes and move into a furnished place/room for the short term? And wasn't he planning on helping you out financially with your move,that was set to happen two months from now? That said, now that the tables have turned, you should be prepared to contribute financially to his move.

The two of you just need to make a plan together. You save money, he saves money, you help how you can in CA, he does what he needs to do, etc. If you don't see any action out of him over the next two/three months, then I honestly think you should just move on. I wouldn't let it go more than six more months, at any rate.

You can't leave us now!

Yup, all the things you say as far as actions to take in preparation.. that sounds about right. I think that this particular contract has an iffy end date. It “should” last 4 to 6 months but as it seems already, things change on the daily. I’m not sure how much money he thinks he needs to move here or what he needs to line up to take the plunge. Honestly I think it is up to him to make the moves and prepare for this if this is what he wants to do. I told him he could stay at my place for a very short time (like a week or so) until he found a place to live here or rent a room. That’s my part.

Clia, I totally agree with you. It is hard but you are right in that if no action in two three months, etc. then I do think I need to move on. Like I said, it’s fine to talk about, but if no action behind it then it doesn’t mean much (as with anything, including talking about marriage). Like I said I was and would be willing to move there, but if he prefers to come here instead, at least first anyway, then that would be ideal and he can go ahead and do that. If he doesn’t and if no action in two three months, etc. then I will reevaluate. I can’t do the back and forth and changing plans. I’m not one to change easily (obviously), and am looking to settle down. He knows that.

 

In many ways I feel such a load off. The thought of moving there was exciting but I can see now how much it was weighing on me. Now I can sign up for and train for that half marathon, now I can focus and take my time in the car shopping, focus on the holidays, etc. He knows I was and would be willing to move there. Maybe he needed to know that before he made or makes a leap, you know? I think that in the past month there has been a lot of tension and “pressure” that I have been feeling and projecting onto the relationship. I think the very best thing to do is to back off a bit and let things happen without any pressure. If he wants to do this, then he will do it. We talked about seeing each other for Xmas or New Year again.

I need to take a “break” from planning, pressuring, asking questions, spinning, posting on LS, etc.

 

I got back into my yoga and training for running a half marathon. Want to get back into my health and focus on my family right now.

[lana-banana]

Sick of you? Venus, if that were possible, this thread would not be one hundred plus pages. This could be happening to anyone and we couldn't care less; we read it because it's happening to you. Don't get me wrong, you can drive me up the wall, but you are also spirited, determined and plucky. You write with such a lively voice and you're easy to empathize with. You are also incredibly tenacious. You never give up no matter what. That may sound silly, but it's admirable, especially as someone who is not inclined to put up a fight. That grit and charm is hard to resist. You are like a Lifetime movie heroine. I want to follow you through all your adventures, reason be damned, even if I sometimes yell "No! Don't do that!" I'll always keep coming back.

 

That said, about your situation...it's confusing. Why would he move out to California if it wasn't permanent? How long would he be planning to stay? You are both too old to be making regular moves if your job doesn't require it. Once you hit 30, moving is no longer a fun, exciting adventure and is just a colossal pain in the rear. And it makes absolutely no sense for him to rent a place of his own if he's only going to be in California temporarily. (But I still don't see why he'd do that in the first place.) I just don't understand.

 

I think I’m feeling a lot more settled and relieved to know that he’s willing to come here. I felt a lot of pressure and to be honest, although of course I do like it there and it’s a great city, the initial move was really causing me a lot of stress… as you all could see.

He is not living rent free, but regardless it sure is going to be a BIG difference between the cost of living in LA. I try to warn him of this. I’m not sure if he could fully and completely support me and a baby with one income. I don’t see that he could do that being an independent contractor or union worker on occasional big jobs like this one. Now, living in CA… obviously the job market is better here and higher pay. So it could even out. He wouldn’t have the luxury of low rent if he moved here, that’s for sure.

 

Pay may be higher in California, but how is it relative to the cost of living? You don't have to wonder. Look at this. Adjust for your city and his.

 

Whenever anyone first gets a job offer in my city they rave about their high salary. It lasts up until they realize just how much it costs to live here. Measure for measure it can be rough.

 

Honestly I think it is up to him to make the moves and prepare for this if this is what he wants to do. I told him he could stay at my place for a very short time (like a week or so) until he found a place to live here or rent a room. That’s my part.

 

This is completely unfair of you. You were planning to live with him for at least a few months while you looked for a job, and you wanted all his help in the process in terms of getting contacts and looking for apartments. How would you have reacted if he had said "it's up to you to make the moves and prepare"? Sorry, but you're being selfish.

 

In many ways I feel such a load off. The thought of moving there was exciting but I can see now how much it was weighing on me. Now I can sign up for and train for that half marathon, now I can focus and take my time in the car shopping, focus on the holidays, etc...I got back into my yoga and training for running a half marathon. Want to get back into my health and focus on my family right now.

 

This really highlights how you've taken a step backwards. Instead of making any concrete plans for a future together, you only have nebulous arrangements to maybe see each other for a few days over the holidays, but other than that you're living like you're single. I thought that was the opposite of what you wanted.

[TheTraveler]

I told him he could stay at my place for a very short time (like a week or so) until he found a place to live here or rent a room. That’s my part.

 

I haven't read this thread and don't know what is going on. But, I did read the last page.

 

This stood out to me.

 

A guy, which is going to uproot his life for you...And you give him one week?

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

This guy is a fool to move out there to be with you.

[Els]

I told him he could stay at my place for a very short time (like a week or so) until he found a place to live here or rent a room. That’s my part.

 

You have GOT to be kidding me. I know you're against living together before marriage etc, and that's your prerogative, but your sole offer of help to him after he uproots his life for you is ONE WEEK of accommodation??? For chrissakes, even my SO's employer gave us two weeks of accommodation as part of relocation assistance, and that's an employer who's supposed to be all about profit/business. What more a person you claim to be in love with....

 

Look, I know you're trying to protect yourself, but you're crossing so far into the extreme that it's just plain selfishness now. If you're going to approach relationships like this, why even bother with them at all?

[No_Go]

Ugh I got a little shocked exactly at the sentence pointed by Els. When V was to move there, her BF was supposed to provide accommodation, services, extra cash etc. When roles reversed - he's getting none but 7 days of housing. How is this fair??

 

V, I think he's just not for you. You may love him but do not respect him. You expect him to care for you but nothing in return. I think he senses is and that's why the relationship is stalled.

[venusishername]

I haven't read this thread and don't know what is going on. But, I did read the last page.

 

This stood out to me.

 

A guy, which is going to uproot his life for you...And you give him one week?

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

This guy is a fool to move out there to be with you.

Nope, that's not the right info.

 

Sick of you? Venus, if that were possible, this thread would not be one hundred plus pages. This could be happening to anyone and we couldn't care less; we read it because it's happening to you. Don't get me wrong, you can drive me up the wall, but you are also spirited, determined and plucky. You write with such a lively voice and you're easy to empathize with. You are also incredibly tenacious. You never give up no matter what. That may sound silly, but it's admirable, especially as someone who is not inclined to put up a fight. That grit and charm is hard to resist. You are like a Lifetime movie heroine. I want to follow you through all your adventures, reason be damned, even if I sometimes yell "No! Don't do that!" I'll always keep coming back.

Ah, thank you Lana. I appreciate the compliment. Thank you. It's nice to hear that I'm tenacious... maybe stubborn is more like it

 

That said, about your situation...it's confusing. Why would he move out to California if it wasn't permanent? How long would he be planning to stay? You are both too old to be making regular moves if your job doesn't require it. Once you hit 30, moving is no longer a fun, exciting adventure and is just a colossal pain in the rear. And it makes absolutely no sense for him to rent a place of his own if he's only going to be in California temporarily. (But I still don't see why he'd do that in the first place.) I just don't understand.

I don't know. It doesn't seem as if he has thought out too far ahead on that. For the time being it sounds like it would be based on the work for him. If it wasn't permanent, then he would either stay and make a life like he has there or go back home. Maybe it's too soon to say depending on how things will work out? Like if I were to move there. It seems so up in the air. The way he has talked, he would come here, find an inexpensive place to live while the work was going on, then could make a move (meaning we would move in together, etc.) at that point. There doesn't seem to be a sense of permanence about him coming here, although there is no reason why he wouldn't or couldn't make permanency once was established. Does that make sense?

Trust me, I know how hard it is to move and I don't want to keep moving around. He knows that. It doesn't make a lot of sense to me for me to move there and leave my place behind if he would like to come here first. In the worst case scenario, he would go back and I would stay here in my same place, nothing would be lost. I wouldn't have to pack up everything and say goodbye to my place. I dunno. He asked me if I would be willing to live up in another county in CA if that's where the work ended up and the money was good (I said yes, and I would be ok with moving with him there in the future). I mean, if we were married then I'd move with him back to Louisiana if need be. He can always go back. He just has permanent roots there, just like I have here. Anyway, to best try and answer your question, I think he wants to come here to give it a try, plus he really likes it, he wants to be near me, and in the long run if all works out, we can eventually move in together and stay in CA.

I totally agree with you that moving is no longer fun and a cool adventure. At my age, it's a pain in the ass and something I really don't look forward to doing. I am ready to settle down. And my job- I don't like bouncing around and impermanency. I plan and have been at my jobs for years at a time. I don't want to bounce around. I am an adventurous person but I want to settle down. Going on planned vacations can be my fun adventures now. This is why I've been hemming and hawing about moving there... moving is just not something I want to do if it's not necessary.

 

This is completely unfair of you. You were planning to live with him for at least a few months while you looked for a job, and you wanted all his help in the process in terms of getting contacts and looking for apartments. How would you have reacted if he had said "it's up to you to make the moves and prepare"? Sorry, but you're being selfish.

I would have stayed with him for a month, tops. Of course I'm willing to help him. In fact, I gave him the contact for a friend of mine who can help him out in his line of work. I would allow him to stay at my place initially (month max), that is if my roommate is ok with that. If I were living alone, that wouldn't be an issue. But it is because I live with someone else. If it were me moving, it's his own place so of course there's more flexibility there. The last thing a woman or person in their early thirties wants is someone's live in boyfriend crashing at the shared place. Plus, "crashing" is like living together. Either way, me or him, one month max. But just like me, he's perfectly capable of renting his own room or place.

 

This really highlights how you've taken a step backwards. Instead of making any concrete plans for a future together, you only have nebulous arrangements to maybe see each other for a few days over the holidays, but other than that you're living like you're single. I thought that was the opposite of what you wanted.

Well said. I kind of feel that way too. After all the months and energy I spent thinking about moving there, he's flipped the script and it's hard to know how to feel now about the lack of concrete plans. Of course I'm happy that he's (still) willing to come here first, it DOES prolong things out of my control. If I moved there I would be actively taking matters into my own hands and having the day to day relationship I want. If he makes the move it would be on his own time. It wouldn't be on mine. So I see what you mean by saying it is like I'm single. I feel like I'm single in many ways. And you're right, that's not what I want.

 

 

But it will be a nice break for me mentally to redirect the focus away from all this planning, pressure and stress that I've put upon myself. That's all I meant. I think that over the next months, beginning of year, like Clia said, if there is no action backing up his words and nothing has changed, then I can either go ahead with my plan to move there or end the relationship. I don't want to wait on him either. If he's really showing me he's working towards it and the relationship is progressing then that is obviously the best case scenario.

I can still go there. I guess it's kind of a matter of which state we want to end up permanently, and if we want to do this together in the end. We wouldn't know that until we at least dated in the same city, he knows that too. I think what I need to know is the sense of permanency intention. The last thing I want is to be moving back and forth. Sometimes I just want to tell him to make up his mind. I feel he keeps bouncing around.

[venusishername]

HOLD ON, everyone. Either you all misunderstood or there was a typo. Where is the "one week" coming from??? That is totally not the right information. Geez, I never said that.

 

 

I want to clarify just in case... he says he wants to come here. He has said that since last November. So since it has been a year, if he doesn't follow through with that by AFTER THE HOLIDAYS or in a couple months from now, early 2017... then I can either decide to move there as I have been the past few months, or end the relationship.

 

 

:/

[Els]

HOLD ON, everyone. Either you all misunderstood or there was a typo. Where is the "one week" coming from??? That is totally not the right information. Geez, I never said that.

 

 

I want to clarify just in case... he says he wants to come here. He has said that since last November. So since it has been a year, if he doesn't follow through with that by AFTER THE HOLIDAYS or in a couple months from now, early 2017... then I can either decide to move there as I have been the past few months, or end the relationship.

 

 

:/

 

We quoted the post that references a week. Here, I will bold the part:

 

I told him he could stay at my place for a very short time (like a week or so) until he found a place to live here or rent a room. That’s my part.

Generally, when someone is uprooting their life to live with you, it is expected that 'your part' is going to be significantly more than just providing them with 1 week of accommodation. Imagine how you would feel if you were moving to be with him and his words were: 'Well you can live with me for a week or so. That's my part of the deal.' Edited November 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote formatting ~6

[venusishername]

HOLD ON, everyone. Either you all misunderstood or there was a typo. Where is the "one week" coming from??? That is totally not the right information. [] I never said that.

If he were to move here, I would [have to ask my roommate that I share a home with] if she wouldn't mind if my boyfriend crashed for a couple weeks until he found a place. I have a feeling she wouldn't love that idea. Of course I would help out in any way I could but no, he could not stay here long term. How is that me being selfish?? He can get his own place after a month of being here and working. Why not? I would do the same if the roles were reversed, as was my plan.

 

 

I never asked him to pay for my rent, offer extra cash, or pay my way for nothing in return. He offered that but it wouldn't have been a free ride. I wouldn't have accepted it!! I would have paid the month that I would be there for groceries, electricity, food, whatever I possibly could.

 

 

I'm tired of having to argue here. I think what I said was not taken in context and I did not mean I would not help out in any way I could. If I lived by myself there would be some wiggle room.

 

 

:/

Edited November 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language and tone ~6

[MidwestUSA]

Honestly I think it is up to him to make the moves and prepare for this if this is what he wants to do. I told him he could stay at my place for a very short time (like a week or so) until he found a place to live here or rent a room. That’s my part.

 

Okay. So why not clarify the typo instead of jumping on everyone in all caps about your god damned roommate? First you said he'd stay with family, or you'd find somewhere for him. Then you said a week. Now it's maybe a couple of weeks if your roommate agrees.

 

You can't jump on people for taking what you've typed as what you mean.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't see any positive signs of this ever happening. I'm in a city comparable to, and near, NOLA, and 'we' just 'don't get' the cost of living difference. It's going to be one hell of a shock.

 

Who's going to compensate for his dad's loss of rent money? What happens to the adult daughter who's living with him? He's just got too many ties there, and he's established.

 

I'll be surprised if he's not bluffing you, tbh. Sorry.

[venusishername]

Okay. So why not clarify the typo instead of jumping on everyone in all caps about your god damned roommate? First you said he'd stay with family, or you'd find somewhere for him. Then you said a week. Now it's maybe a couple of weeks if your roommate agrees.

 

You can't jump on people for taking what you've typed as what you mean.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't see any positive signs of this ever happening. I'm in a city comparable to, and near, NOLA, and 'we' just 'don't get' the cost of living difference. It's going to be one hell of a shock.

 

Who's going to compensate for his dad's loss of rent money? What happens to the adult daughter who's living with him? He's just got too many ties there, and he's established.

 

I'll be surprised if he's not bluffing you, tbh. Sorry.

I'm sorry I jumped on people. I'm just frustrated. He would stay with family, he could rent a room he could land at my place for a short time, not permanently.

 

Do you agree it would be a big shock? He's becoming aware of the sticker price to live and rent here. But you make more money and more opportunities than NOLA.

 

Can I ask why you would say you think this is "bluffing"? What would be the reason he would do that? He knows I was planning to move there. If he was bluffing why go to the trouble when I've already been working towards a move to him?

[Poe77]

They are coming out of the woodworks. This is awesome! All it took was a shift in the way I was viewing being single. It's really true, as soon as you stop looking, ironically you become more open to it.

 

 

I've been chatting with someone online for a week or so and we just exchanged phone numbers and he just texted me! We seem to be on the same page and have a lot in common. He's going out of town for work all week but I'm sure he's going to ask to see me as soon as he's back. I'm so nervous and I don't know how to date multiple people :/

 

I also want to be fair to the guy I just spent the weekend with. I want to just make it clear to him the next time that I'm talking to someone/others and don't want to jump right into a relationship. (Hmm, I just heard that from the last guy I was 'seeing' and I was the one who brought up the 'what are you looking for' conversation.)

 

 

In any case, I really know what I want now and there is NO reason to settle for less. I feel like I made leaps and bounds in a matter of months.

 

 

I hate to call it 'juggling', but what are your thoughts on juggling etiquette?

 

So you have one guy who is obivisely relationship material and your really into you spent the entire weekend with him? he treats you well? is respectful to you and others? goes out of his way to be nice to you and see you? and your getting all excited over some other guy who made it clear hes not looking for exclusivity? Errr ok im a little confused do you want a relationship or to date around? your sending alot of mixed singles here.

 

No wonder some men on here are angry and jaded they are some what right women really dont know what they want and in the mean time they string the nice guys along..Op I think you will find if you continue this kinda thing you will lose out on guy #1 and rightfully so no one wants to have their time wasted and be lead on.

 

And if you flat out tell him you want to date other men he will prob just move on anyways as he sounds like he genuinely wants a stable relationship you on the other hand want to "shop the field" so imo you need to just let him go and date around if that's what you want cause doing both is not fair to him...

[lana-banana]

There is a major difference between one week and one month, although neither is adequate. Venus, be honest. You have always shifted back and forth and used far-fetched justifications when when people say things that you find disagreeable, but it's a hell of a thing to actually say "I never said that" and "it's a typo" (which is it?) about a statement you made hours before. C'mon.

 

You ask why he'd "go to the trouble". What trouble? As far as I can tell he is getting exactly what he wants right now: you're off his back, not pressuring him anymore, he gets to resume his bachelor's life and he is in complete control of the situation. Unfortunately it doesn't look like moving to be together is actually a huge priority of his, because otherwise it would have happened a long time ago and he wouldn't have derailed your plans to do it.

 

I don't know. This has gotten so ridiculous I could easily see you getting engaged but remaining long-distance for another year if not longer. The fact that you've set conditions for when you would end the relationship seems like evidence enough that this isn't right for you.

[Poe77]

Ok wait I didn't realize this has been on going since last year can I please get the cliff notes?...lol I guess my post is invalid but im curious and tho ive tried my eyes cant scroll thu all of the story OP can you kinda update things? did you ever get into a relationship with guy #1?

[anna121]

Ok wait I didn't realize this has been on going since last year can I please get the cliff notes?...lol I guess my post is invalid but im curious and tho ive tried my eyes cant scroll thu all of the story OP can you kinda update things? did you ever get into a relationship with guy #1?

 

Dude - that's like tuning in to S.2 of Supernatural and wanting an update as to where things are at now (S.12).

 

Maybe read a few pages from, like, six months ago.

[NuevoYorko]

One thing I am sure about - nobody is supporting a wife and child on one income from contract construction work in California, at least not in any population center there. It's unrealistic to the point of far fetched. You'll do yourself a favor by just throwing that idea out of the maelstrom that seems to be going on in your head. You're wasting so much time thinking about and talking about how he is aware, etc. YOU aren't aware, or you are lying to yourself.

 

Evidently from your posts you aren't a high earner yourself. If this were to actually come to pass (he moves to CA and you have a real-life relationship that culminates in marriage), unless your family gives you money, you will both have to work full time throughout most of your pregnancy and your child's life in order to barely just get by. I lived it.

[venusishername]

There is a major difference between one week and one month, although neither is adequate. Venus, be honest. You have always shifted back and forth and used far-fetched justifications when when people say things that you find disagreeable, but it's a hell of a thing to actually say "I never said that" and "it's a typo" (which is it?) about a statement you made hours before. C'mon.

Well, what the hell. I am not in a position where he could move in with me for more than a couple weeks until he got his feet on the ground. I’m sorry for any discrepancy… maybe I shouldn’t have said a week. Due to my circumstances of sharing a home, it would not be indefinite. That would kind of be like living together, which you all know I am against. Temporarily, sure. One month, tops. If that makes me selfish, whatever. I was and am still willing to move there. Quit my stable job, pack up all my belongings to collect dust in storage, pay for storage, pay to move across the country, whether that be a small Uhaul or a plane ticket, giving up my cat to my parents or finding her a home in LA, etc etc. Is that selfish? No. I can’t win here.

I’m not being selfish. He can’t live with me. He can stay until he gets on his feet, but no more than one month tops. That’s because I share my home. Call me selfish or not, but I think a reasonable, responsible person can get on their feet within a month’s time. That’s what I would do, if the roles were reversed.

You ask why he'd "go to the trouble". What trouble? As far as I can tell he is getting exactly what he wants right now: you're off his back, not pressuring him anymore, he gets to resume his bachelor's life and he is in complete control of the situation. Unfortunately it doesn't look like moving to be together is actually a huge priority of his, because otherwise it would have happened a long time ago and he wouldn't have derailed your plans to do it.

Someone said she thought he was bluffing. I am asking why would he go to the trouble of “bluffing”?

I don’t understand. I thought moving to be together was a priority. I thought he was eager for me to move in. I don’t think he’s “derailing my plans to do it”. I don’t know what to think right now. He wants to come here. It would hopefully become permanent. That’s what he told me last night. I can still move there if I choose, but he is open and interested to move here instead. So I can go ahead with my plans to go there or I can stay here and wait for him to show up on his own time. That’s the brass tacks.

I don't know. This has gotten so ridiculous I could easily see you getting engaged but remaining long-distance for another year if not longer. The fact that you've set conditions for when you would end the relationship seems like evidence enough that this isn't right for you.

Lana, I don’t think the fact that I’ve sent conditions is evidence that it isn’t right for me. I’m going to be straight here and as honest as possible.

He said last year, this November that he would be interested in moving to CA. He came out here and looked at some job opportunities but didn’t follow through. He did the same thing a couple days ago. He looked at job opportunities here but didn’t apply or submit contracts. The difference now is that maybe he is more convinced he should come and do it.

He also needs to get licensed in my state if he were to work here. That is simply a matter of getting the materials, being present, and signing up and following through.

I spent the last three months planning the details of how I would move to Louisiana. The reason I said if nothing changes by the end of the year (conditions) is because I DON’T WANT TO WASTE TIME AND KEEP DRAGGING THIS OUT. SOMEONE needs to make a decision and follow through with it. Period. Whether that me him or me.

If neither one of us is taking concrete actions by the beginning of the new year, then yes, it would be silly to continue that distance SINCE THAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR. I am not interested in continuing a LDR after a one year time frame. It’s make or break time. That doesn’t mean it isn’t right for me. It doesn’t mean I’m setting conditions because I’m selfish or a bitch or he isn’t right for me. It’s poop or get off the pot time. That’s all. Right or wrong, it’s coming time. We have known that. Time to make a decision. That’s not conditional. That’s being smart. Time to make a move. I was and am willing to do it, he’s willing. Who’s gonna be the one to do it first? Someone said long distance is like the chicken game. I can see that.

One thing I am sure about - nobody is supporting a wife and child on one income from contract construction work in California, at least not in any population center there. It's unrealistic to the point of far fetched. You'll do yourself a favor by just throwing that idea out of the maelstrom that seems to be going on in your head. You're wasting so much time thinking about and talking about how he is aware, etc. YOU aren't aware, or you are lying to yourself.

Evidently from your posts you aren't a high earner yourself. If this were to actually come to pass (he moves to CA and you have a real-life relationship that culminates in marriage), unless your family gives you money, you will both have to work full time throughout most of your pregnancy and your child's life in order to barely just get by. I lived it.

I make the median individual income for my city. It is a decent pay but it just supports my lifestyle and loans. As of 2016, I live in the top 10 expensive cities in the United States. This means my income is higher than other cities with a lower cost of living. I am not a high earner but I have a comfortable enough salary to support myself. By the way, he makes more than I do at his current job. So if he moved here and had a similar position he would make more than me and more than he does there in order to support the cost of living. With that information, our combined salaries would be plenty comfortable for a decent and comfortable lifestyle. Modest, but that is fine for me. Neither one of us is going to get rich or strike the jackpot with the work that we do. We both have the capacity to make a comfortable living and save money. And either way, I don’t think being a stay at home mom is an option for me, regardless of if I marry him or not. I have said time and time again, being a stay at home mom is not what would make me happy. After seeing several women I know do it, it doesn’t really appeal to me anymore.

[clia]

I meant to comment on this and I forgot...

 

Over the weekend, there were behaviors and things about the way he acted that kind of annoyed me sometimes. Like habits and mannerisms, etc. When he gets hyper and anxious, it really puts me on edge and I get all wound up, that's when we clash. I can see that. Then on the other hand, we are connected and affectionate, best friends really, we enjoy new experiences together and well I think we are a good team. We resolve differences and even got in a couple little spats recently, little arguments, nothing big... I think we both have hot tempers so that can be a bit of an issue. But we seem to diffuse it quickly.

I mean, there are things I don't LOVE, there are things I find annoying sometimes, these things won't change. I'm sure he finds some of my traits kind of annoying sometimes too. I can be difficult also. You all know that. I feel like I am frustrating and my anxiety gets out of control sometimes.

 

This is exactly why you need to be living in the same city so you can see him more often. It seems like every time you see him in person you get annoyed with certain aspects of his personality or behavior. Given how little time you've actually spent with him in person, I find that really concerning. How is that going to play out when you are spending more and more time with him? Of course there are always going to be things that get on your nerves sometimes, but these things that annoy you may just turn out to be dealbreakers. That is what you have to find out before you move in together, before you get engaged.

[GemmaUK]

I spent the last three months planning the details of how I would move to Louisiana.

 

But you didn't.

You never followed through with job roles, never have I read you go visiting place to stay nor got him to.

You were just thinking - about your cat travelling, thinking about your stuff going into storage, thinking about where you might stay.

You have also been thinking is he getting a free ride outta me? is he compatible? Does he earn enough so I can have a baby which I am not sure if he wants? Will he buy me a ring?

Mostly, you have the car thing sorted now yes? It's been a long time on that front but you have a new car now yes?

[anna121]

I have to agree with Clia, above.

 

I think while your BF is very loving, you and he are from pretty different social environments, and that may be something that wears very poorly over the long term.

[lana-banana]

It's evident you're feeling quite frustrated. I'm sorry for that. But don't say it's about your roommate when it isn't. You just really don't want him living with you.

 

I don’t understand. I thought moving to be together was a priority. I thought he was eager for me to move in. I don’t think he’s “derailing my plans to do it”. I don’t know what to think right now. He wants to come here. It would hopefully become permanent. That’s what he told me last night. I can still move there if I choose, but he is open and interested to move here instead. So I can go ahead with my plans to go there or I can stay here and wait for him to show up on his own time. That’s the brass tacks.

 

Venus, with all due respect, that's absolutely derailing your plans. You guys were moving forward in a quasi-concrete way (pack up and be gone by January, drive down to NOLA, get your own place shortly thereafter) and now you're down to "well maybe he will or I will at some point, maybe, possibly". That doesn't sound like a priority at all. It sounds like stalling.

 

He said last year, this November that he would be interested in moving to CA. He came out here and looked at some job opportunities but didn’t follow through. He did the same thing a couple days ago. He looked at job opportunities here but didn’t apply or submit contracts. The difference now is that maybe he is more convinced he should come and do it.

He also needs to get licensed in my state if he were to work here. That is simply a matter of getting the materials, being present, and signing up and following through.

 

Yeah, none of that constitutes concrete plans in any way. The grand development here is "maybe he is more convinced", emphasis on maybe. How is that a good thing? It's all talk and no action.

 

SOMEONE needs to make a decision and follow through with it. Period. Whether that me him or me.

 

Yes, and the fact that you've gone from "it'll be me" to "it might be either of us at some point, I dunno, NFI" is unequivocally a huge step back. I just don't understand why it's happening.

 

Did you address any of the issues about engagement when he visited? I know he mentioned he wants to be engaged for several years before marriage and you clearly don't. Did you come to an agreement about that?