When it rains it pours

[Brooke02]

I don't understand why you didn't just sleep with him. The no protection ok I get that, but the other times it's coming off as a tease IMO. Why would you do that multiple times? He's probably tired of it, you leading him on..to stop at 3rd base.

[venusishername]

I don't understand why you didn't just sleep with him. The no protection ok I get that, but the other times it's coming off as a tease IMO. Why would you do that multiple times? He's probably tired of it, you leading him on..to stop at 3rd base.

 

Well, for one thing I wanted to wait. And he stopped before it got to that point anyway. I did invite him in my house when he dropped me off, he said no, so I don't think I was teasing. I will not have sex without protection and he didn't say he had any. So, if it happens again, I'm not budging unless he has a condom.

Plus, I guess I'm afraid that if I do, he'll run away or there will be an emotional upheaval on my part and I'm just not ready for that right now.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Venus didn't do anything wrong. I suppose you could argue she should have been up front about her expectations immediately, but she didn't seem completely sure of what she wanted, so I don't see the issue. When I was single I always had a basic "what are you looking for" conversation somewhere on the first date and it never drove anyone away. Either we were looking for the same thing and it went somewhere, or it didn't.

 

As an aside: the word "multi-daters", as if it's a specific type of person, is ridiculous. When you're dating online you have scores of options and often multiple date requests per week. If I went on three dates with each guy, one at a time, it would take years. The only real option is to see as many of them as you find interesting and narrow it down from there. It never took me more than three dates to realize I really liked someone, so it's not as though I was "juggling" dozens of suitors for months at a time.

 

The very act of online dating suggests you're looking at a large number of people. In this day and age, I think most folks are at least aware that the other person might be seeing other people until you hop into bed or have the what-are-we discussion. There is no need to bring it up until you have that discussion, at which point you both agree to take down profiles, stop texting that dude from Iron Horse, and start having nights in with cheap delivery and episodes of The IT Crowd.

 

I think this guy was into you, but for whatever reason changed his mind, as people are wont to do in the first month or so of dating. It almost always involves someone else who stirs their interest more, but at any rate it means the realized their interest level wasn't what they thought. If he hasn't made any attempt to invite you anywhere or even explained his inability to make plans ("Sorry, work is a mess and my plant died, let's talk again Monday") then I would assume this one's DOA. Have fun with #2!

[venusishername]

Venus didn't do anything wrong. I suppose you could argue she should have been up front about her expectations immediately, but she didn't seem completely sure of what she wanted, so I don't see the issue. When I was single I always had a basic "what are you looking for" conversation somewhere on the first date and it never drove anyone away. Either we were looking for the same thing and it went somewhere, or it didn't.

 

As an aside: the word "multi-daters", as if it's a specific type of person, is ridiculous. When you're dating online you have scores of options and often multiple date requests per week. If I went on three dates with each guy, one at a time, it would take years. The only real option is to see as many of them as you find interesting and narrow it down from there. It never took me more than three dates to realize I really liked someone, so it's not as though I was "juggling" dozens of suitors for months at a time.

 

The very act of online dating suggests you're looking at a large number of people. In this day and age, I think most folks are at least aware that the other person might be seeing other people until you hop into bed or have the what-are-we discussion. There is no need to bring it up until you have that discussion, at which point you both agree to take down profiles, stop texting that dude from Iron Horse, and start having nights in with cheap delivery and episodes of The IT Crowd.

 

I think this guy was into you, but for whatever reason changed his mind, as people are wont to do in the first month or so of dating. It almost always involves someone else who stirs their interest more, but at any rate it means the realized their interest level wasn't what they thought. If he hasn't made any attempt to invite you anywhere or even explained his inability to make plans ("Sorry, work is a mess and my plant died, let's talk again Monday") then I would assume this one's DOA. Have fun with #2!

 

Chimpan-z I agree with you on every point ^^^

 

Got a blatant booty call from Guy #1 at 9:30 last night. I missed the actual PHONE CALL (how obvious could he have been?) because I was out with friends. I texted him when I saw it asking what's up saw he called. He basically invited me over to join him in bed, and to let myself in the door was unlocked. I was completely miffed but gloated a little to know he wanted me. I told him if he wanted to see me I was going to be at XYZ. Never heard back. He had gone to a work event and came home from that. I can't believe he did that. How rude!! Well, now he knows that's not gonna work with me. We'll see if he steps it up. The last guy I dated did the same thing to me with the 9:30 text after a work event, which I declined, and he never initiated contact with me ever again. Hoping that's not the case again here.

 

So I proceeded to get smashingly drunk with my girlfriends and have the worst hangover ever today. So I asked my date tonight to reschedule and he said he was feeling under the weather too and proposed next week, so that's still lined up, which now I'm really looking forward to. How crazy, I've actually been dreaming about him, I've never even met him.

 

I like Guy #1 very much and do want to see him, but I'm not a last minute kind of girl. This is why I'm not sleeping with him. Sex clouds everything and I want to take it slow and have something substantial. However, I'm finally really enjoying dating where I used to hate it, and won't limit myself to someone who puts in half assed efforts. His behavior last night put me off and I have no problem being wined/dined/pursued by other men who make plans in advance with me. Until he does that again, I'm a hot commodity and he can stand in line

Edited November 22, 2014 by venusishername

[Brooke02]

Awe you cancelled date guy #2?

I was curious to see how it went.

[venusishername]

Awe you cancelled date guy #2?

I was curious to see how it went.

 

I'll still be seeing him in a few days.

[venusishername]

Well, the doubts that I was having were completely cleared up.

Now I am in a slight pickle and think I really do need to cancel my online guy date for this week.

Long post....

 

I posted here Friday night, pissed off that Guy #1 (the one I know in real life and have been seeing) called me late and appeared to be booty calling me. I was wrong.

Saturday night was antsy and chatting with my girlfriend at home and he called me. I swear, these phone calls are so nice. I know that sounds lame but it's been a good year since I dated someone who actually picked up the phone and called me to have actual conversations. He was a good guy, who wanted a relationship with me, and same with this one. Anyway, I was happy to hear from him, and feeling better, and he asked to see me. It was still pretty early, and I did want to see him. Sounds corny but I like hearing his voice, he makes me laugh. So I got dressed up and went to meet him down the street for dinner.

He was out with his work friends for a birthday, and they were all great. He was 100% attentive to me, and the chemistry between us was still just as strong and we were engaged and having a good time. His best buddy volunteered that he's been speaking highly of me. ! So he's telling his friends. His friend and his gf asked us if we wanted to go with them to a big amusement park in our state sometime in the next few weeks and he automatically answered, 'Yeah, that sounds great!' He wants to be a couple. I can tell. Actually after last night I am pretty damn sure we are on the same page. I just need some patience.

 

We left the group and stopped in for a drink in a very intimate quiet place, he came across the table and sat next to me, we are talking about things that matter, not superficial stuff, like whether we want kids (yes) and talking about our families, and goals, our school and work, just everything. He asked me what happened last night (with the perceived booty call thing). I apologized to him for acting bitchy, but I guess I took it the wrong way. He apologized for coming across that way, that's why he called me earlier because he wanted to talk, he was just tired and admittedly being lazy but really wanted to see me, so that was his way of communicating that. He wasn't looking for sex, he wanted to sleep with me. Meaning sleep.

I told him I tend to put up my guard and sometimes have a knee-jerk reaction when it comes to guys, sometimes I tend to be a little jaded because of things that have happened to me in the past. I told him I need someone to be very patient with me and understand that I need some time with that kind of stuff. He says he has plenty of patience to give me.

 

I'm getting tears in my eyes writing this because this is what I've been wanting for so long. He's sincere and a good man from all I see so far. His personality is warm, positive and bright. My only complaint is that I wish he'd be a little more aggressive with me; I notice I have to give him the green light by initiating touching or kissing most all the time. But once I do, there's no problem. I like men who are very forward when it comes to that, and as it turns out gave me a little more than usual last night.

 

He seemed anxious to just go home, with me. We live within walking distance of each other, but I insisted on going back to my place, intending to go in alone. He walked me back, but I wanted him to stay. We were just having a good time together and I didn't want it to end. He puts me at ease and I really need that.

 

I intended to slow this down, and pace it, but I really did feel ready. I had protection so it was a good time, I felt comfortable being in my own home, and I really did trust him. I do.

 

It was fantastic and I'm still on cloud nine today. He stayed the night, and we did it again in the morning, which was even better. Stayed in bed for awhile and talked, laughed, walked to get coffee together and sat in the park. The conversation is easy. The only reason it ended was because I had a family event to go to. He had said the night before to his friends that he planned to spend the whole Sunday with me as long as I would let him. I would've loved to but it's been a good time tonight for me to recuperate from the eventful weekend.

 

I had a maintenance issue come up once I got home this morning, which he had noticed and pointed out to me that it needed to be fixed, and he could help... and what do you know, when I got home there was a flood in my bathroom.

I texted him asking what to do, he was right, and he called and kind of walked me through what to do until my landlord was able to come take care of it. Ha, simple things like this. That's what I want.

 

We said goodbye this morning, and I said I'd get in touch once I got home tonight. Got home later than planned and did text him, he responded that he was out with friends enjoying the day off and I don't expect to hear back from him or see him tonight. He didn't invite me out, so I figure it's just as well because I need some rest. I'm not insecure about whether he likes me or wants to see me again. We didn't make a solid plan for the next time but after last night I'm sure it won't be long. Being around him makes me happy and comfortable. I'm not insecure or getting mixed signals. He calls me, and is genuinely interested in getting to know me, aside from the sexual attraction. There's both there, and I feel butterflies around him and thinking about him. Especially now, because of the sex. It's hard not to want him more now because of that, being that he's a gorgeous sexy hunk with a perfect body who wants to please me. Duh!

He mentioned maybe getting together on Thanksgiving after the family stuff. That would be really nice. Looking forward to hearing from him soon. I'll give it a little space in the meantime, and he can come to me.

 

So, Guy #2 has been on for a drink in a few days. But for obvious reasons, my heart is just not in it as much as it was before I spent more time talking with and with this guy. My personal opinion is that I should cancel after the events of last night. However, I'm just meeting him for the first time so it's kinda harmless.... I'm not exclusive with #1, so it's to be expected that I'm open to dating others... right?

In my heart I don't think it would be fair to either... but I'm just afraid to put all my eggs in one basket while I really am still getting to know him. It's been less than two weeks since we reconnected after we met over the summer. I know sex and sexual attraction clouds judgment and I want to be aware of that now that we've crossed that bridge. What should I do?

Edited November 24, 2014 by venusishername

[venusishername]

I know that was a long post. I need some help, what do I say to Guy #2?

Our date is tomorrow and I think I need to cancel today rather than wait until tomorrow.

Is there anyone who thinks I should keep this date?

[Brooke02]

Have you confirmed the date is still on?

[venusishername]

Have you confirmed the date is still on?

 

No, Brooke. We texted Saturday and agreed on Tuesday.

On another note I can't wait to see the other guy :/

[BreakOnThrough]

Don't move too fast....

 

If you want your love to last...

 

You moved too fast with Guy #1 and it will end. Seriously, a 30 year old Woman should have more sense than a teenager, frankly, your posts sound as such. Complete and utter naivety...

 

Hormones and their euphoric allure may seem like "reality", but they are far from it. People jump into the "physical" part of relationships FAR too soon to then find that their "perceived" connection fades just as quickly. They always wonder why...

 

Superficiality is nice and rosy, until the other shoe drops, it always does when things move too fast...

[venusishername]

You moved too fast with Guy #1 and it will end. Seriously, a 30 year old Woman should have more sense than a teenager, frankly, your posts sound as such. Complete and utter naivety...

 

 

Wow, thanks a lot.

Edited November 24, 2014 by venusishername

[venusishername]

 

You moved too fast with Guy #1 and it will end. Seriously, a 30 year old Woman should have more sense than a teenager, frankly, your posts sound as such. Complete and utter naivety...

 

Wow, thanks a lot.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

So the compelling evidence that Guy #1 wasn't just in it for a booty call was...because he said so? Dang it, you deserve the best, and this is just sad.

 

He apologized for coming across that way, that's why he called me earlier because he wanted to talk, he was just tired and admittedly being lazy but really wanted to see me, so that was his way of communicating that. He wasn't looking for sex, he wanted to sleep with me. Meaning sleep.

 

He really wanted to talk, but he was also tired and really wanted to just sleep? That makes no sense whatsoever. A grown man knows what a 9:30 PM phone call sounds like, even if he doesn't mean it that way. If he genuinely wanted to talk to you he would have said "hey, I know it's late and I don't want to give you the wrong impression, but I desperately need to talk to you." Sorry, it reads like he was surprised that you rejected his booty call and now he's making excuses.

 

Please go out with Guy #2. Even if he's not the best guy in the world, you need someone else to distract your attention.

[Brooke02]

I think you should keep the date!

 

When you told him you werent interested in a booty call he told you he only wanted you to come over & sleep? .. Thats funny, i cant believe you bought that.

 

You need to keep your date with #2.

[venusishername]

So the compelling evidence that Guy #1 wasn't just in it for a booty call was...because he said so? Dang it, you deserve the best, and this is just sad.

 

He really wanted to talk, but he was also tired and really wanted to just sleep? That makes no sense whatsoever. A grown man knows what a 9:30 PM phone call sounds like, even if he doesn't mean it that way. If he genuinely wanted to talk to you he would have said "hey, I know it's late and I don't want to give you the wrong impression, but I desperately need to talk to you." Sorry, it reads like he was surprised that you rejected his booty call and now he's making excuses.

 

Please go out with Guy #2. Even if he's not the best guy in the world, you need someone else to distract your attention.

 

 

I don't care if complete strangers on LS think I'm being naïve. It does read like he was just making excuses. How about when he called me last night after I posted to see how the rest of my day was? He admitted to being lazy when he did that the other night and talked to me about it the next day when I saw him. Honestly I think he was just thinking about me and wanted to let me know that. Maybe I'm totally wrong and blind.

 

Well, my heart's just not in the date tomorrow. I'm really conflicted about this. And seriously? Why go out with someone purely for the sake of distraction?!

 

I think you should keep the date!

 

When you told him you werent interested in a booty call he told you he only wanted you to come over & sleep? .. Thats funny, i cant believe you bought that.

 

You need to keep your date with #2.

 

No, he did not say come over and sleep. He said he was just thinking about me and apologized that it came across as disrespectful. What is it I need to 'buy' here? The guy wanted to see me. That's all it means to me. I really can't be too mad about that.

See above about keeping the date. I am leaning towards keeping it. Haven't heard from him since Saturday anyway.

Edited November 24, 2014 by venusishername

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Well, my heart's just not in the date tomorrow. I'm really conflicted about this. And seriously? Why go out with someone purely for the sake of distraction?!

 

Because otherwise you're going to obsess over Guy #1 and be completely unprepared when it ends in disaster.

 

No, he did not say come over and sleep. He said he was just thinking about me and apologized that it came across as disrespectful. What is it I need to 'buy' here? The guy wanted to see me. That's all it means to me. I really can't be too mad about that.

 

Yes, you can be mad that he called you for sex at 9:30 PM and then made ridiculous excuses about why it wasn't just about sex (only after you complained; it apparently didn't occur to him you'd see it that way). You can demand better. And you can get it.

[venusishername]

Because otherwise you're going to obsess over Guy #1 and be completely unprepared when it ends in disaster.

 

 

Why is everyone so cynical about this?

If I proceed with the other date and start looking for others again, I may end up losing a good guy who has true intentions with me. Why would I do that when so far everything seems to be going in a positive direction and he seems sincere? I don't feel obsessive and insecure about him, I'm excited and thinking about him but in no way obsessing. I AM obsessing over whether or not to keep my date tomorrow, obviously.

 

 

On the other hand, after what just occurred, I see why it would be a good idea to take a step back and see where the chips fall. Just seems insincere to me when I'm really interested in him.

Edited November 24, 2014 by venusishername

[Eighty_nine]

Why is everyone so cynical about this?

If I proceed with the other date and start looking for others again, I may end up losing a good guy who has true intentions with me. Why would I do that when so far everything seems to be going in a positive direction and he seems sincere? I don't feel obsessive and insecure about him, I'm excited and thinking about him but in no way obsessing. I AM obsessing over whether or not to keep my date tomorrow, obviously.

 

 

On the other hand, after what just occurred, I see why it would be a good idea to take a step back and see where the chips fall. Just seems insincere to me when I'm really interested in him.

 

Canceling the other date is just about the worst move you can make right now. You absolutely need to go for your own sanity. And I'm not criticizing; dating around a bit is what keeps me sane when I meet someone newish and really like him.

 

Also... Oral sex is "worse" than intercourse, I finally learned. Think about it. It's better to have regular sex first. Gives away less of your power. I think guy 1 might be interested, but I also think it might just be a sex thing. Just be careful.

[venusishername]

Canceling the other date is just about the worst move you can make right now. You absolutely need to go for your own sanity. And I'm not criticizing; dating around a bit is what keeps me sane when I meet someone newish and really like him.

 

Also... Oral sex is "worse" than intercourse, I finally learned. Think about it. It's better to have regular sex first. Gives away less of your power. I think guy 1 might be interested, but I also think it might just be a sex thing. Just be careful.

 

 

Ok, I will take that into consideration, thanks Lissvarna. It's hard to tell so soon what the intentions are. So far my intuition tells me it is more than a sex thing. I could very well be wrong. But I truly believe there are men out there who are interested in more than just sex with me. He could be one of them. I disagree with you about the oral sex, but that's your opinion! I understand what you mean.

This may all be in vain anyway, I have yet to hear a firm and detailed confirmation from the online guy for tomorrow!

Here's my final decision: I'm going to keep my plans for tomorrow night. However, I am still going to be open to seeing Guy 1 if and when he asks. Actually I have a nagging feeling online guy isn't going to happen. I'd rather see Guy 1 (let's call him "A") anyway. I have never dated more than one person at a time. Once I find someone I'm really interested in, I stop looking until I have reason to start again.

Edited November 25, 2014 by venusishername

[CatalystNX]

I mean, I could be wrong, but it sounds like more than just a sex thing to me. But then I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

I do think you moved too fast with him, but that doesn't mean it can't be more than sex. It's not as if he pressured you into sex this early; it was clearly a mutual thing.

 

Hope it turns out well for you.

[Eighty_nine]

Ok, I will take that into consideration, thanks Lissvarna. It's hard to tell so soon what the intentions are. So far my intuition tells me it is more than a sex thing. I could very well be wrong. But I truly believe there are men out there who are interested in more than just sex with me. He could be one of them. I disagree with you about the oral sex, but that's your opinion! I understand what you mean.

 

I mean if it's reciprocal, it's a little different. I guess that's more on par with actual intercourse. But I do feel going down on a man you're not exclusive with is sort of demeaning. Moreso than enjoying the mutual pleasure of sex. Just my take on it now; I used to see it differently.

[venusishername]

I mean, I could be wrong, but it sounds like more than just a sex thing to me. But then I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

I do think you moved too fast with him, but that doesn't mean it can't be more than sex. It's not as if he pressured you into sex this early; it was clearly a mutual thing.

 

Hope it turns out well for you.

 

 

Thank you. I feel that it has that potential as well, even though we became physical quickly. And he never pressured me or was aggressively sexual, it was mutual. In fact, when I invited him in my house the other night, he declined due to it being late and having work early in the morning. It's the other factors that make me believe that it is more than that. Then again too soon to tell yet, but I want more than sex and he seems like he does too from everything I've gathered so far. (for example the phone calls, particularly the night after we slept together to see how the rest of my day was, helping me with household emergencies, taking me out on dinner dates, talking about me to his friends, etc).

 

I mean if it's reciprocal, it's a little different. I guess that's more on par with actual intercourse. But I do feel going down on a man you're not exclusive with is sort of demeaning. Moreso than enjoying the mutual pleasure of sex. Just my take on it now; I used to see it differently.

 

 

Ok. In this case it's been mutual, so... I'm not complaining!

 

Anyway, update! Ha, all the stressing about whether or not I should keep my date tonight.. and now it's not happening.

I woke up early, got all dolled up to meet him after work, and I saw he had texted me around 8 a.m. to cancel due to him having the flu. He said he did want to meet me and asked if we could 'shoot for next week'. Of course I understand, and I don't think he's not interested in meeting me, I was sick last week too...but this alleviates my anxiety about it! This gives me another week to feel A out. I guess I can still be open to dating others in the meantime but I'm not sure I'm going to actively search online anymore. Mainly because I never liked it to begin with, although can be a good way to meet people you wouldn't otherwise. I just think at this point I have enough to focus on so I'm not going to take an active effort into meeting/dating others. If it happens, it happens!

Thoughts?

Edited November 25, 2014 by venusishername

[venusishername]

Yeah, I can see why you all were telling me the worst thing I could do would be to cancel the date. As it turns out, he cancelled. Last night was tough because I was so hyped up about it and I was hoping I'd hear from A but I didn't.

 

I've been trying so hard not to be antsy. I haven't heard from him since Sunday and the holiday is here. Tonight is a big night being the start of a 5 day weekend. Last time he had mentioned us maybe getting together on Thanksgiving night, but I don't know if that's going to happen now.

I'm trying to read the signs as well as I can, just to feel more at ease about him not doing the fade out on me like the last guy did.

A called me the next night after we slept together (actually he called me twice that day), and wanted to spend the day with me but I had other plans. I remembered he's been working overtime this week, but still...

 

 

I realize this is the risk I took by sleeping with someone that I don't know that well and have yet to have the 'talk' with (meaning the what are you looking for talk). From what I have gathered so far, he does seem genuinely interested... but then again most men who I date are genuinely interested in sex with me, but not necessarily dating. I don't think his phone call the other night was a booty call, considering he called me Sunday night just to see how the day went, not to ask me over.

Help, guys. I'm so tempted to contact him today. Should I?

Edited November 26, 2014 by venusishername

[Eighty_nine]

Yeah, I can see why you all were telling me the worst thing I could do would be to cancel the date. As it turns out, he cancelled. Last night was tough because I was so hyped up about it and I was hoping I'd hear from A but I didn't.

 

I've been trying so hard not to be antsy. I haven't heard from him since Sunday and the holiday is here. Tonight is a big night being the start of a 5 day weekend. Last time he had mentioned us maybe getting together on Thanksgiving night, but I don't know if that's going to happen now.

I'm trying to read the signs as well as I can, just to feel more at ease about him not doing the fade out on me like the last guy did.

A called me the next night after we slept together (actually he called me twice that day), and wanted to spend the day with me but I had other plans. I remembered he's been working overtime this week, but still...

 

 

I realize this is the risk I took by sleeping with someone that I don't know that well and have yet to have the 'talk' with (meaning the what are you looking for talk). From what I have gathered so far, he does seem genuinely interested... but then again most men who I date are genuinely interested in sex with me, but not necessarily dating. I don't think his phone call the other night was a booty call, considering he called me Sunday night just to see how the day went, not to ask me over.

Help, guys. I'm so tempted to contact him today. Should I?

 

I think it's alright to contact him, casually, ask how his week has been so far or something like that.

I don't know. Most men don't need the kind of communication women do. I'm dating a guy who tells me he likes me, asked to be exclusive, compliments me, is always available to me, makes plans in advance etc., but I don't necessarily hear from him every single day. He always contacts me after a day, two at the most. But it still bugs me that he doesn't check in every single day. I'm trying to start realizing... this is pretty normal behavior for an early dating situation. So I do make first contact now and then.