When it rains it pours

[Eighty_nine]

Maybe he really IS looking for something serious, it just wasn't with me. Hell, I could say the same thing about him, and no harm.

 

But you are looking for something serious, and if he was interested in that, sounds like you would have liked to explore something serious with him.

 

I point this out because there continues to be this disconnect between what we all know you really want (a relationship) and the things you say and do.

[Leigh 87]

There's no harm in me sending a message or saying hello on the street, which is bound to happen.

All I'd say is something neutral anyway.

Well, Lissvarna, you may be right in your predictions.. although still I'm not convinced. Maybe he really IS looking for something serious, it just wasn't with me. Hell, I could say the same thing about him, and no harm.

If he happened to be overly responsive, I'd take the opportunity to talk about things that were left unsaid.

 

I wouldn't bother.

 

He knows you well enough to know by now whether or not he wants to pursue something deeper than sex with you.

 

He hasn't. He disappeared after V day. That says all you need to know. He either doesn't want a relationship with any woman, or he is open to it with the right woman, which definitely wasn't you.

 

Why do you need to " figure out " what happened more by talking to him again?

 

You know at best, he will say what you want to hear in order to get easy sex.

 

I struggle every day to not each out to my non committal guy. He's Irish and it was St Patrick's day ughhh.

 

But I've exercised willpower. He even told me and his friends that I was the girl he considered changing his bachelor ways for. And he asked if we could be together and he called me his girlfriend for a time.

 

It's so hard to ignore, delete and just forget people sometimes but they don't want to be with us and enjoy all we have to offer so Sc rew em'

[lana-banana]

Don't contact him. You say there's no harm but there's plenty of opportunity for harm here. Even if he did give you a satisfactory explanation (which he won't), you'd still be stinging from the rejection. You're already playing the what-if game, fantasizing about talking to him again, wondering if his profile doesn't somehow have some kind of coded message for you, forgetting about how you passed him on the street and he ignored you completely.

 

I liked him. I just truly thought we weren't on the same page with what we were looking for. I never did ask. Maybe I was wrong?

 

No, you weren't. If he were interested in you he would have actually followed up on his promise after Valentine's Day. If he were interested in you he would have sent you a text the next day, even just a "hello, beautiful" or something like that. Don't try to spin this into anything other than it was. Onward and upwards.

[venusishername]

But you are looking for something serious, and if he was interested in that, sounds like you would have liked to explore something serious with him.

I point this out because there continues to be this disconnect between what we all know you really want (a relationship) and the things you say and do.

I'm sorry, I'm not following you. But no matter. He's not the guy for me. I saw some qualities in him that I didn't like that I didn't mention here.

I never saw him online after I mentioned that anyway... I figured, if he pops up again I'll just say hi, not 'fishing' for anything. Just more of an acknowledgment.

 

 

I still think about M(averick). I'm not sure why, he just pops into my head sometimes.

 

I haven't dated anyone since R....so I've been holding true to my "break".. what was it, early April? Whatever. No need for a firm deadline.

I deleted Tinder, although I will probably reactivate later. Not that it matters the medium... I still think Tinder is ok.

Been on another site, I like it, I found a couple guys I'm really interested in talking with, not many.. one asked me to coffee next week. Not in a big rush. To be honest, I'm not thinking much about it. I just browse sometimes. There's only one guy so far that I get really excited to receive messages from I think we'll end up meeting sometime soon.

I like that site because the intent is listed clearly in each profile, so it's easier (not foolproof) to weed out the 'hang outs' and casual-lookers.

 

 

I don't think my taste will change as far as the personality of the man I'm MOST attracted to. I'm not saying it's impossible; I just have a preference.

It doesn't mean cocky.

 

 

Anyway, I think the recent experience I had with the 'cheater' (and R) really solidified for me what I want, and don't want.

I kinda knew I wasn't interested in something casual, but I still acted casual and didn't take actually building a real relationship (like even a friendship with a man) very seriously. Now I'm taking it VERY seriously, but not forcing it either.

 

 

BlueEye mentioned once that it's simple, just a sorting process, keeping the emotions out of it. I've been letting my emotions and hormones rule, and that's gotten me nowhere (still single).

So, I've decided to be as crystal clear as I can POSSIBLY be with the men I'm interested in, NOT the ones who 'pick' me, the ones I pick, that I'm looking for a relationship.

I'm not messing around anymore. Maybe some will say this isn't the right attitude, to put it all out there and limit the options, but I'm very serious about finding the man I'm going to marry.

 

Clearly, the lesson I've learned is that it's FAR riskier to have early sex and lead with the superficial than it is to actually build a friendship and deeper connection with a romantic interest. I actually want to be friends first the next time the opportunity arises.

 

Also, I think I kept repeating the same patterns BECAUSE I really was not ready. Many of you were frustrated but like I said, I was not taking finding a relationship seriously. Therefore I found myself in a couple casual situations. I was kinda like, 'eh... whatever.' My 'relationship' with A was probably the deepest I've had with anyone since my ex, which is sad because he dropped off the face of the planet and we never spoke again. However, I learned that I WANT something deeper with the right person.

The right person wasn't A, or R. No harm, no foul.

 

 

I mentioned my very traumatic breakup. It was something for the books. And it absolutely contributed my feelings of low self worth. So did the affair. In some ways, like Idoltree says, my dad not being there for me. My two long term relationships turned out to be controlling, manipulative, and emotionally/verbally abusive. I don't have a good track record, so I think it was important and necessary for me to have a few years to figure out what the grown up Venus wants, not what she wanted at 19, or even 28.

The man I would pick at this point is SO MUCH different, a totally different league!!! than the man I would've picked then. So, that's a good thing!

 

 

There's my update. I'm feeling much better, and on the right path.

Edited March 19, 2015 by venusishername

[idoltree]

Originally Posted by lissvarna

I point this out because there continues to be this disconnect between what we all know you really want (a relationship) and the things you say and do.

I'm sorry, I'm not following you. But no matter.

Classic!

 

Dismissive and hypocritical, and the best part is that I think she doesn't even notice!

 

Also, I think I kept repeating the same patterns BECAUSE I really was not ready.

I really don't think this is the reason you had problems. It makes little sense.

 

I guess I'm not following the logic of "I met the wrong guys and I wasn't ready" as the grand solution of someone who has low self-worth, is addicted to male validation of her attractiveness, and doesn't seem to understand herself and why she does what she does very well.

 

Many of you were frustrated but like I said, I was not taking finding a relationship seriously. Therefore I found myself in a couple casual situations. I was kinda like, 'eh... whatever.'

Is this real life? Is this happening?

 

You were absolutely 100% NOT "like 'eh... whatever.'" You were invested in things working out with each and every one of those men. You were heartbroken. You were crying. You have multiple multi-page threads with written timestamped evidence of the same freaking pattern, the same thoughts, and the same strife and now you want to offer up some flippant and extremely shallow explanation and pretend like none of it ever happened?

 

I officially give up. I think professionals need to handle this.

[Leigh 87]

I think Venus would do well if she didn't over invest early on.

 

I've stopped doing this. If a cute guy were to ask for my number at college or at the grocery store ( which will probably never happen hah), and if I felt a spark and felt excited about him, I'd tell myself " it probably won't work out. Dating seldom eventuates into something substantial. Infant, you don't even know if you guys will date yet, he may want something casual...)

 

Basically, no matter how excited I feel initially ( those butterflies), I NEVER let myself care about the outcome. I detach emotionally. I view them as a potential friend I'm getting to know who is likely to be after sex only.

 

Once you detach and get to know a person in the same way you would when screening job interview candidates, irrespective of how excited you are, dating is a fun experience!

 

I think venusishername' s main problem is that she would out too much stock into the final result of men and that she's also having sex way too soon which only serves to further hamper her efforts to remain emotionally detached.

 

I think perhaps venusishername needs therapy for the fact she us only attracted to alpha men who have already settled down by now if they had that in them... And she wants to date men she is into and attracted to.... Well, therapy msy be the only way to do this.

 

It would be a shame if venusishername had to settle on men with whom she wasn't very excited about, didn't feel a spark with and just wasn't that into them sexually l. Maybe therapy is the only way to shift her perception of what she finds attractive sexually. The she can go for the nice beta guys who are the only types that want relationships with her.

 

Without therapy, I fear that venusishername won't ever be able to find a man who she's really attracted to, excited about and feels the chemical fireworks with and will rather feel like she's settling with a man who she has low sexual chemistry with since she's bit innately attracted to the types of guys that are available to her.

 

Therapy can seriously help with these deep seated things......

 

And you get a dating break during therapy while you work on how to hone your dating skills.

[lana-banana]

Is this real life? Is this happening?

 

You were absolutely 100% NOT "like 'eh... whatever.'" You were invested in things working out with each and every one of those men. You were heartbroken. You were crying. You have multiple multi-page threads with written timestamped evidence of the same freaking pattern, the same thoughts, and the same strife and now you want to offer up some flippant and extremely shallow explanation and pretend like none of it ever happened?

 

I officially give up. I think professionals need to handle this.

 

So glad someone else caught this (and was equally disturbed). Venus, why are you trying to rewrite history? You haven't felt "casual" about a single person in this thread. You end up deeply attached to every guy you come across. You are ready for a husband and a white picket fence RIGHT NOW and I'm pretty sure all of the men in your life have known it.

 

I'm not even mad that you're lying, I'm mad that you're lying about something so obviously false in the midst of forty-four pages of your own written evidence to the contrary. Most people realize they can't just make things up on the fly and get away with it by the time they're five or six. To see a grown woman doing it is absolutely bizarre.

 

Be honest with yourself. Find a real answer and then come back to us.

[sagamore]

Venus, you haven't taken a break. You had a guy disappear after Valentine's Day, then you hooked up with a taken/married guy, and now you're messaging someone new. It's only mid-March.

 

Listen, I get why you'd want to be like, "whatever" or "no harm no foul" about these guys. It sucks to admit to yourself and to others that you got blown off. They wanted sex and you wanted commitment. They faded out on you, full stop. It's not the end of the world, for sure - and you've recovered pretty well! - but let's call a spade a spade.

 

You have pretty significant relationship anxiety and I think you should be in therapy for it. Get some Lexapro, practice yoga - whatever it takes. But you need to "get real," as Dr. Phil would say, about what's happening here.

[Weezy1973]

Yes it's true that Venus is trying to rewrite history - it's part of the warped thinking patterns that come with addiction.

 

That being said, Venus, you've come a long way in that you've actually admitted you have a problem. For someone who is in denial still, look at Leigh87's posting history.

 

Venus, the next step is to make sure your actions match your values and what you want in a relationship. At the end of the day what you do is far more important than what you think or how you feel.

[BluEyeL]

Venus, if you do things correctly, i.e. see all this just as a sorting process, go out only with guys who invite you on public dates and give you a couple of days notice, go out with you once a week, and on Friday or Saturday after first date or two, and not sleep with them until they ask you to be exclusive (patience, it could even take 2 months), I guarantee, if you do this, you will find love. It's going to be just a matter of time.

 

It's not going to be instant. It could take 2 years. But if you eliminate all the time wasters, you'll find love faster. All the time wasters don't let your man get to you. Remember also that every no brings you closer to the yes.

 

I don't think you need a break. You go ahead and put yourself out there, just follow the slow and steady wins the race approach, and keep your heart and hormones locked away until the guys proves how serious he is about you.

 

Good luck!

[Leigh 87]

Yes it's true that Venus is trying to rewrite history - it's part of the warped thinking patterns that come with addiction.

 

That being said, Venus, you've come a long way in that you've actually admitted you have a problem. For someone who is in denial still, look at Leigh87's posting history.

 

Venus, the next step is to make sure your actions match your values and what you want in a relationship. At the end of the day what you do is far more important than what you think or how you feel.

 

I'm not in denial.

 

I've had dates with plenty of guys I've not posted about lately.

 

I know that I was putting too much focus on men who were perfect strangers.

 

Now I don't put any stock into the outcome. I never care when it doesn't get past a date or two. I also don't sleep with guys early on now which makes it easier to forget then when they don't want to pursue me past the initial attraction.

 

I have a bright future ahead of me in terms of dating. I know what I want and I don't get invested and won't do unless I meet the right person and we have gotten to know one another for months. Only then will I ever invest.

 

My therapist thinks I'm heading in the right direction. I've deleted my accounts online and not dating weekly and will reduce it to less and less.

 

I was merely telling venusishername that learning to accept that she DID latch on to the outcome way too much is KEY to changing like I am in the process of doing.

 

Already through therapy I have learnt to not attach any hope onto new guys even if we both feel mega chemistry initially. Recently I thought I felt a spark until the second date and I didn't even care- as I didn't expect any real outcome since I know the initial attraction and interactions can fizzle within a day....at any time.

 

Anyway, the therapy has helped me.

 

Therapy also helped me learn how to become attracted to an array of beta men and men of all walks of life and of different appearance.

 

This had made me feel really positive about my future since, while I once felt the spark and chemistry only for alpha male types, who are frankly out of my league and already settled by now, I now feel sparks with sooooooo many different types of men which offers me real hope that I'll find a man I'm excited about sexually and yet who's also a nice, compatible guy.

 

Just wanted to share with venusishername that therapy for simple things like attraction to the wrong guys and how to remedy it, can be helpful!!!!!

Edited March 20, 2015 by Leigh 87

[venusishername]

Dismissive and hypocritical, and the best part is that I think she doesn't even notice!

I was simply saying I didn't understand what Lissvarna meant. I didn't follow her. I said 'no matter' because what's done is done with R or anyone else before him. I wasn't dismissing the advice itself!

The way it was written didn't make sense to me at first.

 

I really don't think this is the reason you had problems. It makes little sense.

Ok, well I know myself and I think it had a very huge part of it.

 

You were absolutely 100% NOT "like 'eh... whatever.'" You were invested in things working out with each and every one of those men. You were heartbroken. You were crying. You have multiple multi-page threads with written timestamped evidence of the same freaking pattern, the same thoughts, and the same strife and now you want to offer up some flippant and extremely shallow explanation and pretend like none of it ever happened?

Come on, no need to be so dramatic. I was crying? At what point was I crying over anyone?! I was sad about A, yes, but I knew it wasn't a good fit and bummed it didn't work out because I really liked him and I thought he was a good guy and bf material. I'm being 100% straight here and I know it's the truth: I didn't see R as relationship potential for me. It would've been NICE if it was compatible, but it wasn't. Is that being invested in things working out with "each and every one?" Ok.. isn't that what everyone wants? To get involved with someone and have it work out?!!?

You are making me out to be this crazy person and I'm not!

By 'eh whatever', I meant I wasn't ACTING like I wanted something serious, although I did want it. I DIDN'T KNOW whether I would want that immediately with the men I was meeting. But yes, deep down, I wanted a relationship. By leading with the superficial and not actually building a real connection first, I was not ACTING like I wanted something serious. That's why I said I was acting like 'eh, whatever'. I hope this clears things up, in my defense.

 

 

I wouldn't say I was totally invested in things working out with each of these men. A, yes I saw potential. R, not so much. Who else is there? Maverick doesn't count.

 

I officially give up. I think professionals need to handle this.

Are you kidding? I thought I made good progress.

 

So glad someone else caught this (and was equally disturbed). Venus, why are you trying to rewrite history? You haven't felt "casual" about a single person in this thread. You end up deeply attached to every guy you come across. You are ready for a husband and a white picket fence RIGHT NOW and I'm pretty sure all of the men in your life have known it.

 

I'm not even mad that you're lying, I'm mad that you're lying about something so obviously false in the midst of forty-four pages of your own written evidence to the contrary. Most people realize they can't just make things up on the fly and get away with it by the time they're five or six. To see a grown woman doing it is absolutely bizarre.

Be honest with yourself. Find a real answer and then come back to us.

How am I re-writing history?

You are correct that I haven't FELT blasé about anyone in this thread. I just acted or tried to act casual with these guys. This was being dishonest with myself. Looking back on it, I can be detached and blasé about it NOW because it's no longer and I've moved past it. I'm not wallowing in it so it makes it easy to say that I'm not affected by it anymore, DESPITE the fact that I wrote about it and was sometimes upset, disappointed, happy, sad, excited, anxious, whatever. I don't discount the fact that I sat here and wrote about my dating concerns and how I was disappointed, etc.

 

I disagree with you that "all the men in my life have known it".

I thought my #1 problem was that I was acting casual when I wanted something serious. What am I missing here?

If I wanted (and was putting across) that I was serious about having a relationship (WHICH I HAVEN'T BEEN UNTIL NOW), then I would have attracted more relationship minded people and probably have developed a relationship by now. Right?

 

Now I'm on a dating website where my intent is clearly stated: "looking for a relationship", which is true. I thought that was what I was doing wrong before? I'm so frustrated and confused by these recent posts like idoltree's throwing up her hands. Now I feel like some nutjob who is in total denial.

I honestly am confused, so please help me understand, idoltree, sagamore, etc who said they were disturbed by my last post.

 

 

I thought that my problem was that I was leading on the superficial and ACTING (not feeling) casual when I wanted something serious.

So the solution was to be crystal clear with myself and honest straight away with others that I wanted something serious and act accordingly.

But then Lana mentions "all these men knew it that I wanted a husband and white picket fence RIGHT NOW.." Huh?

 

You have pretty significant relationship anxiety and I think you should be in therapy for it. Get some Lexapro, practice yoga - whatever it takes. But you need to "get real," as Dr. Phil would say, about what's happening here.

 

I am in therapy and I practice yoga regularly. I don't understand the comment 'rewriting history'.

As for being blown off, fine. There's not "all these guys"- it was A and R in this thread. That's it! If it's true they just wanted casual with me and I wanted more, than all I'm saying is IN HINDSIGHT I am happy that it ended. It hurts to be blown off, but I left without a word just as much as they did. Never contacted them again either. I never chased. Now I can be "flippant" about it because I realize there's no use getting stuck in the past. I know now that I want something different and I'm just moving forward.

Venus, the next step is to make sure your actions match your values and what you want in a relationship. At the end of the day what you do is far more important than what you think or how you feel.

Thank you, Weezy. I truly thought that's what I was getting closer to and that's what I was just writing about in my last post. (Some people really took that as me lying or being a crazy person) but thank you, that's what I was getting at.

 

Venus, if you do things correctly, i.e. see all this just as a sorting process, go out only with guys who invite you on public dates and give you a couple of days notice, go out with you once a week, and on Friday or Saturday after first date or two, and not sleep with them until they ask you to be exclusive (patience, it could even take 2 months), I guarantee, if you do this, you will find love. It's going to be just a matter of time.

It's not going to be instant. It could take 2 years. But if you eliminate all the time wasters, you'll find love faster. All the time wasters don't let your man get to you. Remember also that every no brings you closer to the yes.

I don't think you need a break. You go ahead and put yourself out there, just follow the slow and steady wins the race approach, and keep your heart and hormones locked away until the guys proves how serious he is about you. Good luck!

Thanks, BlueEye. I get it loud and clear and your advice about these standards of sorting out I'll always remember. I am much more clear on what I want so it will be much easier to act accordingly.

Edited March 20, 2015 by venusishername

[venusishername]

And also, I just need to put this to bed once and for all:

I would have LIKED for it to work out with each of these people. Despite what anyone thinks, I was NOT "really into" R.... but I WAS really into finding someone who I could build a relationship with.

I hoped it would be with the men I have recently been involved with. I wanted to believe with him, for example, that it would develop into something because I want a relationship. Is that a crime?

I don't know if I've ever pretended or said here that I didn't want a relationship. I DO. I guess what I said was that deep down I saw qualities or differences in compatibility that caused me to say that I didn't want to pursue a relationship with that person. This seems like very simple stuff.

 

I'm not rewriting history, I'm just being honest.

Let's just say A or R had contacted me after and wanted to continue seeing me. I wouldn't have wanted to because:

1. A wasn't at the level of maturity and sexual compatibility as I am looking for in a relationship. Whether or not HE was interested is irrelevant. My interest waned and that I know for sure. I have no clue and can't speculate as to what he thought or felt about me.

2. R was very clearly just interested in sex, as I found out... he didn't even want to have coffee with me the next morning after Vday. Once he said no to that, and never followed through with an alternative, I decided I had no desire to chase him because that's not the kind of person I want to waste my time on. IF he had reappeared and asked to see me, I was intending on having a serious conversation about what we are both looking for before deciding I wanted to continue. As it turns out, that conversation never happened because we were NOT looking for the same thing and/or just didn't want that with each other.

 

Is this denial?

Edited March 21, 2015 by venusishername

[venusishername]

It's been awhile since I've logged on and to be honest, I really needed a break.

 

I have been on one date since mid-February and am currently planning another first date with someone and the plan is to see him later this week.

At first, (last month) I was hell bent on putting it out there that I'm looking for something serious being on two dating sites now, and thought that would grant me some magical connection that wasn't there before. But it hasn't. What that change in mindset has done is changed how I want to go about dating and who I date.

I'm sure that will apply to real life as well. I am only half-assing the online dating efforts, but am putting myself out there at least.

 

 

I haven't gone out with anyone since Valentines Day (that I spent with R.) I went out for a first date a few days ago (with a guy I met online). It confirmed that there is just a certain type of personality that I mesh with... and he wasn't it. He was a total gentleman, handsome, smart, successful, looking for a relationship. Treated me with respect and courtesy, planned our date days in advance, we messaged for about a week or so before meeting. Everything was great on paper. I felt in our messages at least we were making a connection and the conversation flowed. But I didn't get the butterflies. I went anyway, open to it.

I was bored out of my mind. He was socially awkward and we had nothing in common. I felt that I was far more sophisticated and socially adept than he could match. I felt the conversation dragged and I found myself looking at my watch, so I ended it. He was at least very courteous and texted me after to thank me and it was a nice night. I said thank you, me too. That was it. It was clear that he also didn't feel any connection otherwise I would've heard from him. It's alright, I don't mind meeting new people even if it's not a good fit it's worth trying.

 

I reactivated Tinder and another site about a month ago. On Tinder I just a few days ago re-matched with Maverick (the one I went out with a few months ago.) He's the one I felt regret with because I would've really liked to explore that further. I think he was on the 'level' that I'm looking for.. but he flaked on me that one time and never made an effort to make that second date happen. However, he contacted me weeks after but it just dropped off...I wasn't really engaging because I thought he probably wasn't that interested, or busy traveling. But we re-matched last week and I've been so tempted to say hi...but haven't. I wonder why that never took off.. if we both like each other I wonder why it never materialized. Of the men I've met.. he's the closest match to the qualities I'm looking for. I don't have his number anymore or the message thread... so I could say hi but figured if he wanted to he would. Stalemate. He's been on my mind.

 

I had matched and messaged with someone else a couple times (we both have gone on and off the site) and he continues to contact me and ask me out...it's been over the course of a few months now. It hasn't ever happened. Last time I told him no was because I was actually talking with Maverick and was pretty certain it would take off. This last time we matched, he messaged me 'So Venus.. I see you haven't found your knight in shining armor yet'...and well, he couldn't be more correct. I find him very polite and I enjoy talking with him. He seems promising. He asked if I was free later this week. He suggested he come to my area so we could go for a walk on the beach. The thought of that sounds more appealing than sitting across from a complete stranger at a table having a drink. I figure a walk would be a good chance to know if we'd hit it off enough to continue to a drink or dinner. So I'm looking forward to finally meeting this guy!

 

I really do want to build a relationship with someone now. I didn't before; I wasn't quite there. I wasn't 100% convinced or ready to ACT on my feelings. It took time and to be honest, courage.

I'm not sure why I let my emotions overpower me and got in a tailspin about whether or not someone I was dating 'was interested' in me these past six months of this thread (gosh, much longer than that!)

I had hopes with A. I consider that we were actually trying to build a relationship but it just didn't turn out to be a good fit. I don't think he was in it for just something casual so I don't regret anything about the time we spent.

 

 

There's a lot of men who might be interested in me. That doesn't mean I have to date them. Honestly, it just takes a strong sense of security to change that lens and I think I've finally got a handle on it.

 

I loved the attention I received from R while it lasted. It made me want to continue seeing him. The sex was fantastic and I hoped we could make a deeper connection. But I knew early on that he wasn't the 'type' I was looking for. He was purely a fling and I knew it deep down. I hoped something would happen to change that feeling I had. I think that's why I argued on here trying to prove or justify why I wanted to continue seeing him. My intuition was correct. I was never convinced he was someone I could see having a real relationship with (for various reasons that I never wrote about here on LS).

 

 

I see all of my girlfriends in relationships. Almost all are married or engaged. I do want what they have... but I think what it is that they found a friendship and partnership with their men. I don't see why I can't have that too, if I allow myself to build a friendship and partnership with the right person. It doesn't come with the snap of your fingers. Just because you want a relationship doesn't mean you can go out and get one and fall in love. Right? It's not on your own time. Maybe for some people. Some seem to have an easy time being attached. I find myself extremely picky as to who I show my heart to and give my time to because it's precious.

 

I'm 31 and the clock is ticking. I don't want to be single much longer. I want to get married and have my family very soon. There's no way to force that I've found. I think it just has to happen at the right time.

 

I've met some great guys and I just wasn't ready... or I've spent time in purely casual flings hoping it would progress, or had just casual with no strings in the past.... but I do know this: I haven't made a real connection with anyone since my last relationship over three years ago. I think I know why. I wasn't ready. I associated with people who were also not available or not really interested in anything serious or that required effort because I was on the same page.

 

 

I was also unavailable and not in an emotional place of security so I closed off and kept a safe distance when all I wanted was to forge a real bond... but like I said if I had met the right person, maybe I would have opened up. Maybe now I am finally there.

 

 

Because I am truly ready now, I will no longer waste time on men who aren't giving the 100% effort and showing the signs that I KNOW mean sincere interest, and not the fleeting and superficial kind of interest.

 

 

Since I haven't been dating (that last date doesn't count much since it ended there) for almost 2 months now... I think that I have a better grasp on what is important to me and what I won't settle for anymore.

I started a new job that has taken up most of my mental effort which has been a great channel rather than obsessing and feeling sorry for myself, or worrying about what some man thinks about me that I'm interested in.

 

 

I haven't had time or honestly much interest in looking for anyone either. I'll casually go online here and there, talk to a few people, maybe accept a date with someone I genuinely feel could be a good match... but I'm not very actively searching either. I haven't actually struck up a conversation with someone in real life that I'm really interested in yet either.

 

 

I've learned I have a lot of my own interests and a full life, and I don't need to fill any void by being attached to someone. I would only do that if it was the right fit... and at this point, I really do believe that I'll know it when I see it.

 

 

As far as personality, I know I'm still going to be attracted to the strong, social, outgoing, confident alpha male. That doesn't mean he's going to be bad boyfriend/husband material. He can have those qualities and also have the qualities I want for long term. I know men who are like that.

 

But I think ultimately it's not a matter of personality but just simply making a connection with someone on a deeper level. You can't do that if you jump into sex. Sometimes you get lucky and you fall in love after sleeping together. Happened to me and many other people I know. But it's not too likely and I'm not going to risk it anymore. When I was younger, I had time and didn't care if it would develop into a long term relationship or marraige. Now I do.

 

So I decided I'd rather make a connection with someone on a friendship level as a foundation first and take sex out of the equation if I see it as a good fit with that person. If I don't see it as a good fit, I think the lesson I've learned is to not hold onto it hoping it will turn out to be if the writing is already on the wall.

 

That's where I'm at. I'll post more sometime after my date later this week.

[Leigh 87]

You'll get there.

 

I have started going for available men. But I still need to feel a connection and a bit of butterflies.

 

It doesn't have the same intensity as unavailable or alpha men but I still got butterflies with the current boyfriend for sure.

 

I also tried dating a really " nice guy" but just didnt feel the chemistry after several dates and even sex.... I felt a spark initially but it didn't stay lit at all past the first date due to reasons I won't go into on here.

 

You may need to learn how to become attracted to men that are good for u. That's a far better alternative to settling for a man who you're just not into sexually and have not even tiny butterflies for by the first few dates!

 

I wish you the best of luck.

 

I am officially dating the most decent man I've ever had who seems available so I am new to dating men who actually want me and who I feel chemistry with..

 

Surely it'll happen for you too soon!

[lana-banana]

I wish you well, Venus, but it's hard to be optimistic about your newfound self-awareness when you're still insisting that you were trying to change your own feelings about R (rather than his). You can't seem to accept these relationships ended by their choices, not yours. It has nothing to do with your being ready. Maverick, A and R didn't want to be with you. That's all.

 

Just have a good time with this guy. You'll do well so long as you're honest with yourself about what you really want.

[venusishername]

I wish you well, Venus, but it's hard to be optimistic about your newfound self-awareness when you're still insisting that you were trying to change your own feelings about R (rather than his). You can't seem to accept these relationships ended by their choices, not yours. It has nothing to do with your being ready. Maverick, A and R didn't want to be with you. That's all.

 

I guess that is one way to look at it, but I certainly didn't pursue these guys either when it started to drop off. There were things about each of them that weren't what I was looking for, and I knew it. Sure, I guess one way to explain why it didn't continue is because they weren't that into me either. Looking back on it, I think I was trying really hard to make something stick that I lost sight of what I really wanted.

I continue to hold firm to the fact that clearly I wasn't totally ready to go after something serious; it was/is what I wanted but I just wasn't in the right place mentally to achieve it.

 

Lately, and I have never felt this way before (or its been a really long time)- I am the most apathetic about dating as I ever have been. Of course I'm still interested in meeting someone, but I'm far less involved in trying than I ever have been. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

 

Maybe I should make SOME effort since I am looking for a relationship. Is it unrealistic to want to get married very soon? I may just end up one of those women who never gets married, or marries very late. I thought I'd be 25 with three kids and married... if I married that guy, I'd be divorced and in a custody battle I'm sure.

 

I still occasionally look at Tinder. I talk to one or two people on there less than weekly. One guy I think is super cute and keeps popping up, but won't ask me out, so I engage him for a bit and he still won't take the bait. He's apparently shy, but interested. Frustrating.

I deleted OKC. I tried it for a month. I met two people in the last 2 months from online and neither were a match. Just not compatible; they clearly felt the same, nothing was there.

 

In real life lately, of course I see lots of men I'm interested in, but I don't make any effort to talk to them and actually be available to something because for example, I work with one of them, (new job), I assume they are taken, and like I said, I just don't feel the need to try anymore.

 

I'm not sure if that's beneficial to me, the not trying. But I was just thinking earlier today how relieving it is not to feel that 'pressure' or worry about needing to find someone. It's pretty liberating.

 

I saw some good friends out tonight; they are married and are a great couple. I'm sure they were on their way to dinner or Home Depot or something like that. I was out by myself and made dinner for myself at home, which I ate alone. There are many times of course that I wish I could share my life with someone, but then again, I've come to the fact that I'm going to embrace the being alone. I could continue with negative thoughts thinking something is wrong with me, and feel sorry for myself, and waste time on men I know aren't what I'm looking for... or I could just actually enjoy all this independence I have.

 

I remember what it was like to be in a real relationship, and you lose a lot of yourself being in one. It's been almost 4 years since I actually loved someone and had that.

Everything since has been fluff. There have been one or two men who popped in there that stood out from the rest and made an impression on me. I'm grateful for meeting those few, because had the timing been right, it could've been something. But it wasn't the right time. I wasn't ready.

 

One person (who is a long time acquaintance) and a very close friend of my best guy friend... has become recently single after an engagement. It's been a few months. We met years ago when we were both single and my friend tried to play matchmaker. It didn't work, but we really liked each other as people and got on really well. Fast forward a year or so and he became engaged. A year or so later, he's single again and I haven't seen him since before the holidays when he was still with her at their Halloween party.

The other day he contacted me out of the blue. I mentioned how I haven't been over to his area in months, and he said let's get together.

I don't think he's interested in me in THAT way, but it's possible. I think he's an amazing guy and a total catch. He's the closest thing I've encountered to what I would want in a man as far as the fundamental qualities and the high level of mental/intellectual stimulation. He's my type. He's just about 10 years older than me, and that's kind of a roadblock in my mind.

Anyway, haven't seen him yet after that text this past weekend, but I would DEFINITELY be interested in spending time with him again, this time maybe it could be more than friends. Not sure. If not, that's ok too.

 

 

Either way,I think that at this point, I'll just know it when I see it.

I'm not sure I have to put forth much effort into trying to make something happen; if it's not what I'm looking for to begin with, I won't waste my time. Like I said, I think I'll know it when I see it.

 

I feel like I just got to a point where I would rather be alone than waste any more time hoping to create a relationship when there wasn't really any foundation to begin with. When a guy comes along that I feel I could make a real emotional connection with, then I think I'll know... and more importantly, I think I'll be ready this time.

 

I may come back occasionally and post. Good night, LoveShack.

Edited April 22, 2015 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

10 years age difference is not too much of a roadblock, imo. I hope you enjoy meeting your friend. Be sure he's not going to rebound with you though.

[venusishername]

Alright so the old friend that's recently single. We haven't yet actually seen each other since Halloween, but he reached out a few weeks ago and we've been in contact. Tonight he asked if I had plans and I honestly am feeling under the weather otherwise I would've loved to spend time with him. He said he'd check in tomorrow instead.

I can't get excited about this being a romantic prospect, but to be honest I'm looking forward to just spending time with someone as a friend! I already know how well we get along and what a great guy he is... so even if it was just as a friendship I'm ok with that! I think he's 'on my level' as far as the type of PERSON I want to be around. I also am attracted to him but not in the heady, overwhelming way that tends to be bad news. So I'm definitely looking forward to reconnecting.

 

I'm still on and off my dating sites. OKC I find is just not my style... I tried two first dates in mid-April and nothing was there, and ended after date one. One guy even blocked me after! (Geez, I didn't think it was that bad!)

It was ok to just put the effort into meeting these people; no harm. It's really just a matter of connection, I think. Attraction too. It wasn't there. Oh well. Didn't let it discourage me.

 

Still on Tinder and I matched with someone last week who was the definition of my type. In a good way. Not the bad boy, or the guy that would put the moves on me and be disrespectful and pushy. He had the looks, manners, driven, very polite, reserved and just seemed like an all around good guy. If you were to open up the dictionary to "Venus' type" he was it.

He asked to meet me early last week, and I declined because I had other plans, and he said he'd keep at me until I was available. So the next day, we continued to text and I was getting more and more excited about meeting him, and I could tell he was eager to meet me too. So as it turned out, I happened to go to his part of town that night with friends and he and I met up alone after I decided to ditch my group. We wanted to meet somewhere quiet place where we could talk.

It was immediate fireworks. The second he turned and looked at me, that was it. He even told me so! The attraction was very strong... I should know by know these feelings are risky. They don't mean much... if it's just a fleeting thing. And it was.

He was very nice, and I really liked him, and we were extremely attracted to each other. I mean, wow. It was great to feel that way again. It's been a LONG time since I was beside myself attracted to someone like that. Apparently the feeling was only mutual for the time we spent together because I texted him the next day and said I had a great time. He said he did too. That was it. I was thinking I might hear from him again, but I haven't. So apparently he didn't see me as potential for further dating for whatever reason, although he was attracted to me. Happened again! This time I let it roll off my shoulder. (Although I was/am disappointed).

 

I decided to keep positive and realize that it's not about me picking the 'right type'. The Tinder guy was a good guy on paper. I've met a lot of 'good guys'. They just didn't want to pursue it with me, or vice versa.

I think it really is about making a connection with someone that is beyond physical attraction. I have been in a habit of just acting on attraction, but I have come to realize in the length of this thread that attraction is only one factor in whether a relationship can actually develop. I know, duh.

 

It's like sleeping together early and then hoping things will actually click in a deeper way. Sometimes it happens. But for me lately, it has not. It seems so easy for everyone else I see around me.

 

So I decided to take a break after R and Valentine's Day.. put myself back out there in my own time and kept taking chances. I really think I need to continue trying. But I have never felt more blasé about it than I do now.

It's like 'yeah, dating would be nice. If I found the right person.'

I'm done feeling sorry for myself that I'm single and alone and haven't had real intimacy with someone in 4 years. The last time I felt intimacy, it turned on me in the worst possible way that broke my heart and spirit for a long time.

But I think I'm better now. It's ok that I haven't 'had' someone to be with in 4 years. Call me vain but sometimes I think about how terrible it would be to be an old bride. I'd like to get married soon when I am still young and still able to have children.

BUT...I've come to kind of embrace the fact that it may not be in the cards for me. And that's ok, although it's hard to swallow. And most people who love me just can't see how that would even be possible.

 

I have a close gf who has been trying to conceive and can't. She's been with her boyfriend for 8 years and she told me she's afraid it's never going to happen with him, marriage and children. I told her I could relate and that I wanted the same things. But it might just not be for us, even though we want it. My cousin is the same way. She's always had boyfriends, a husband, divorced and was single for years until recently. She's almost 40 and she's had to accept the fact that she's probably not going to get married again or have kids.

But then I think... if you REALLY want those things, you will TRY for it, meaning you won't put up with LESS than what you really want. I see my friends do this. I did it too. I think maybe you just have to get to a point and say 'screw it'. Sometimes nothing is better than not much.

 

Time is passing. But instead of fighting it, I just decided to embrace it.

That's always worked for me when I'm feeling dejected and disillusioned, and hopeless. I have a choice: I can be miserable and wish for greener pastures, or love myself, and enjoy my life, even in the sad and lonely moments, like tonight. Or when I see my married friends together, and I never have a date to bring.

 

I have no trouble meeting men. I just have trouble meeting men I am really interested in/attracted to. And when I do meet them, either the feeling is mutual for only a short time, or it's not there at all for one or both people.

So... how to make it longer? I think a big part of it is me being OPEN to something more than superficial, which I wasn't always ready for. But now I am. And it's about the actions following the words, and being true to myself.

 

On Tinder, you can write a little section if you want to. I used to have a paragraph of who I am and what I'm looking for, just so it was clear as day and I'd weed out the trouble. It worked for the most part because I was very clear on what kind of man I am looking to date. But instead of words, instead of trying to prove or explain....

Yesterday, I deleted it and just wrote "I used to have a paragraph here, but at this point I think I'll know it when I see it." I think that's a big step for me to say that and actually mean it.

 

I bought a journal that I haven't written in yet, which has my new favorite quote on the cover. I saw the quote a few months ago and it really resonated with me.

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance". (That's Oscar Wilde). And so I'm just starting to fall in love again. It's been a long time.

[Leigh 87]

I met a guy I also had instant fireworks with the other week.

 

I chose not to pursue it.

 

Because I am not over my ex. ANd I'm also infatuated with my neighbour.

 

So Venus, sometimes it's a matter of the guy being attracted instantly yet not being able to feel " into you " beyond thinking you're hot and feeling the fireworks.

 

Other times, people are hung up on exes. Or plain not ready to date someone new.

[lana-banana]

I think it really is about making a connection with someone that is beyond physical attraction. I have been in a habit of just acting on attraction, but I have come to realize in the length of this thread that attraction is only one factor in whether a relationship can actually develop. I know, duh.

 

I'm happy to hear this and happy you're doing well. Yes, physical attraction plays a huge role, but it's only a fraction. Have you ever seen the movie "Before Sunrise"? THAT is the kind of connection you're looking for.

 

It's ok that I haven't 'had' someone to be with in 4 years. Call me vain but sometimes I think about how terrible it would be to be an old bride. I'd like to get married soon when I am still young and still able to have children.

BUT...I've come to kind of embrace the fact that it may not be in the cards for me. And that's ok, although it's hard to swallow. And most people who love me just can't see how that would even be possible.

 

You're right, that is vain. You're already 31 and are unlikely to be married before 34, which isn't particularly young. But later marriages also generally last longer, and more people are waiting to marry. What's wrong with getting married at 40 or later? Isn't true love worth it?

 

I have a close gf who has been trying to conceive and can't. She's been with her boyfriend for 8 years and she told me she's afraid it's never going to happen with him, marriage and children. I told her I could relate and that I wanted the same things. But it might just not be for us, even though we want it. My cousin is the same way. She's always had boyfriends, a husband, divorced and was single for years until recently. She's almost 40 and she's had to accept the fact that she's probably not going to get married again or have kids.

But then I think... if you REALLY want those things, you will TRY for it, meaning you won't put up with LESS than what you really want. I see my friends do this. I did it too. I think maybe you just have to get to a point and say 'screw it'. Sometimes nothing is better than not much.

 

This is very true. Some things simply aren't in the cards for all of us, and every decision can change the course of other decisions available to us. But you never know. I'm 28 and just found out that I may actually be able to have children. It's been a very unsettling discovery; I was comfortable being infertile, and this means thinking about my life in a new way. I hope you feel ready to think about your life in a new way too and remain open to all its surprises.

 

On Tinder, you can write a little section if you want to. I used to have a paragraph of who I am and what I'm looking for, just so it was clear as day and I'd weed out the trouble. It worked for the most part because I was very clear on what kind of man I am looking to date. But instead of words, instead of trying to prove or explain....

Yesterday, I deleted it and just wrote "I used to have a paragraph here, but at this point I think I'll know it when I see it." I think that's a big step for me to say that and actually mean it.

 

Oh, Venus, you know I love you, but that's a big step backwards in terms of attracting the right caliber of man. Uninstalling Tinder altogether may be your best bet.

[venusishername]

Just wanted to post some thoughts. I've been doing much better.

I had a blast from the past a few weeks ago that confused me but in the end made me see very clearly the type of man I need to be running away from and not be drawn to. It's hard to break the habit.

 

R was the last guy I was last seeing, the last time we spent together in a romantic capacity was Valentine's Day. I believe I mentioned here that afterwards, I saw him in 'Locals' in OKC. He had viewed my profile and I figured what the hell, we obviously see each other on there, so after a week or so I just said 'hey, small world' and he engaged with me for a bit. He would message back and I let it drop off because although he would initiate contact, he wouldn't follow through with asking to see me. I had deleted his number some time ago.

He approached me a couple weeks ago while I was out with friends. It had been a few months since we had seen each other.

He didn't just say hello and be cordial and keep passing- he gave me a big sweeping hug, and was at my side and engaged with me like white on rice. My girlfriend mentioned later that he seemed really into me, he had his eyes on me the whole time, etc.

 

 

I wasn't opposed to talking with him. But as the time went that we caught up, I remembered we DID and still do have that 'chemistry' and the 'fireworks' that are so appealing. I did like the guy before, he just didn't pursue anything further, and there were things about him that rubbed me the wrong way in many respects, so I just chalked it up to 'at least we can be friendly' if we see each other in the future... it just didn't work out.

But that night that we spent talking- we talked about the last time we saw each other. He brought it up. In so many words, he said things like 'I could never get a read on you- how you felt about things, you were like this mystery that I just couldn't crack. You were very closed off with me. I figured you just weren't that interested!'

I told him I figured the same, the morning after I left after spending the night on Vday, I had asked him to coffee and he declined, and never contacted me again. He said neither did I. So he made it seem like he was just as confused as I was.

He told me he stands on his balcony a lot, and often sees me walking on the other side of the street, in that dress I wear, how I always look so beautiful... (we live in the same neighborhood and I walk everywhere).

He complimented me in front of his guy friend who was also there, how smart I am, etc. As time went on he became that same old affectionate R... I admit, he was zeroed in on me, that's for sure.

I also admit I was very tempted to repeat history with him, meaning stay with him again because it's been a long time and the nights I did spend with him in the past were pretty damn spectacular. The memory was there.

 

He asked if me and my friends would like to go somewhere else with his group; I held off and told him goodbye. My girlfriend pressed me that he seemed really interested and was extending the invite to spend more time with me.

I deleted his number so I had no way of contacting him, so she convinced me to just make our way there down the street anyway. He was still there.

 

As the night went on we were in our own world, very engaged, he put his arm around me, talked to me the whole time, never let me out of his sight. We left in a group, and he and I had to walk the same way home. I told him I would just take a walk home. He convinced me to come in, and I knew I could control the desire not to sleep with him again... and I succeeded. I thought, I really do like talking with him and being around him... I'm just going to enjoy spending time. Also, the things he was saying and the way he was acting made me want to stick around for more (validation).

As we walked together, I let it out. He acted hurt that I deleted his number although he saved mine and had in fact contacted me earlier to say it was really nice seeing me. I was very clear that I was upset after he didn't contact me after Vday, and I deleted his number because I felt he wasn't interested in anything more than just the physical part. (The way I said it was much more heated)! He had been holding my hand and he stopped me, put his hands on my shoulders and turned me to face him and said, (which did seem very sincere)- "I'm really sorry if I ever made you feel that way. That isn't true! I really like you and I like being around you very much. I feel more comfortable with you than most, etc. I really like you, etc." He kissed me and I wanted to believe him.

I did go inside... I've been there a handful of times before, so I thought, what's the harm. He's no stranger. I've been very intimate with this man and I'd like to feel more comfortable about this than I actually am, so I'll try and trust this situation.

He poured us some wine, lifted me off the ground and sat me on the island counter while he cooked a little snack for us... honestly I was just eating this up. I felt very validated that he was acting this way and telling me what he was about why it all stopped so suddenly. My curiosity was piqued.

He made it seem like it was because I was so closed off and he couldn't tell how I felt about being with him. Maybe I was.

 

 

I KNEW at the time that I was putting so many walls up. I WAS playing games. I never once contacted him on my own initiative. I declined his invitations half the time. I made a point to be aloof and seem disinterested in actually having something beyond superficial. My actions didn't align with what I actually wanted. Interesting.

 

 

So when he said that I was so closed off and he thought I wasn't interested... even though that was likely an excuse on his part, it made me confront something that many of my girlfriends have mentioned that I do with men. I shut them out. This is one of the main reasons why I'm still single, and I know this. I went through HELL with my last relationship and the thought of opening up and being vulnerable to another man made me so scared I've never let it happen since.

 

I told R sincerely that I was glad that he told me this. I told him also that I do like the time we spend together, and I also feel a connection and I do feel comfortable being myself around him, which is also more true in this case than I have with others.

Anyway, we did not have sex and I did not stay. I told him that wasn't going to happen, although he was trying. We said goodbye, he walked me out, gave me a hug and kiss and I told him that I didn't have his number anymore, but he should text me.

The next morning, I saw I had a text from the night before saying it was really nice seeing me, but I didn't know who it was. I responded who is this? and he identified himself. I said I was also glad we ran into each other. A day or so went by and silence. I figured, hey.. I'm just going to be honest and true to myself and stop being closed off and cold and just shoot a text hello. So we small talked but no plans were made. The rest of the week went by and over the weekend, I decided to for the first time initiate asking him out. It was a Sunday night and he couldn't make it, we continued to chat a little bit, and joked around, etc. That was it. That was over a week ago.

 

I was very confused at first, and thought I'd give him the benefit of the doubt-again. I initiated that last time, and let down the walls, and was just being myself- and he didn't take the bait. I called his bluff.

So now, although I'm disappointed that I couldn't really trust what he said to me, and the way he acted too that night...because I do think we have a great 'chemistry'.... the fact is, for whatever reason unknown to me... he likes me that's for sure... but he doesn't choose to date me.

I'm pissed that someone could be so two-faced. What purpose in saying those things to me? I think he WAS being sincere. He just didn't follow through! I know that if he really wanted to date me, he would.

What gets me is that I'm drawn to his personality and passion so much that it IS disappointing that we aren't actually dating and enjoying the 'connection' we feel with each other. But then he acts so full of hot air that I'm pissed that I could even be THINKING about someone so fake who is either conflicted and unsure of what he wants, or just a straight up jerk.

As it stands right now, I was confused but now I'm pissed about it. I'll never contact him again, or even believe him again. I have no idea what the hell he wants. But I know I don't want someone who doesn't follow through. I mean, there are no dates happening or being discussed. There's no phone calls asking about how I am or what's going on in my life. There's no plan to meet again. Screw it.

THIS is why I put the walls up. Because over and over, I want to trust a man I feel a connection with and am attracted to, who does have good qualities and the characteristics I find important. But time and time again, I keep getting disappointed.

This goes back to me picking the wrong people. Also, not being open to building something substantial. I think it's a combination of both.

My best girlfriend who has known me through many relationships, whether they be long or a one night stand: she said something to me the other day that resonated with me. She said, 'You need to want a guy that makes you feel wholesome.' The way R made me feel was cheap, disposable, not that important. Yeah, he may like me, but he didn't treat me well. My ex was a manipulative controlling narcissist that was emotionally and psychologically abusive. He made me feel loved and wanted, but he made me feel like there was something wrong with me or that I wasn't good enough. Like I needed to be 'fixed'.

I've dated a few men who were the 'good guys'. I didn't feel that crazy heat that I did with my ex or like with R. They weren't charming and full of hot air and egotistical, or overly sexual. For various reasons, nothing became of those relationships... partly my fault, not always the case.

BUT- I think I have now pinpointed the issues.... even though many of you have been pointing this out for some time, maybe I needed to see these examples in action to actually learn from my mistakes.

It's very challenging for me to NOT be drawn to someone who is as charming and affectionate and who has the 'presence' of the men like R.

 

 

But I did meet someone the other day who seems to be one of the nice guys, and I'd like to give it a chance. We've been talking since last Friday, since we met, and are planning to meet again this week. So far he has been very polite and considerate and has maintained the contact. I enjoy talking with him and we met in person so I already know there is that connection.

 

Who knows, but I do know this: from now on I'm definitely going to be more open, more honest, and more true to who I am and what I want. This short 'break' has done me good because I now have the attitude I didn't used to have, and that is 'I don't care what people think about me, I have nothing to hide, I am myself and am unapologetic about it.' It took me a LONG time to get to this place, and it feels great. I will never again play 'tit for tat' games with men; I was trying SO hard to play by 'the rules' and hide my true feelings. I put up many walls. I've been guilty of this in many areas of my life, not just romantically.

 

 

And actually, I've come to a place where I am more at peace with being single than I have been ever before... and sure I do want to get married soon and have my own family... but just because I may not doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. Sometimes I feel left out though.

I'm just not going to have those things in my own timeframe is all.

[Leigh 87]

We could all see from the start that R just wasn't that into you.

 

Many Rs have happened to me. The men who DO feel the strongest chemistry for us are usually the ones who don't get feelings for us; men who are wildly attracted to us physically rarely end up genuinly " falling " for us. It's just the laws of attraction. Those we feel the hottest for are rarely the men who FALL for us beyond the physical, very superficial layer.

 

You shouldn't have even entertained hanging out with R.... He showed u who he was long ago. You're a girl he felt sparks and passion for on a physical level. He showed you he never felt anything of substance.....

 

It wasn't u putting your walls up. Oh please. Men who fall for u..you know, all those " rreally genuinly nice guys " ??? The ones who actually text and call us when they say they will?? your walls could be right up and THOSE types of men, who are actually into you, will still reach out and arrange a date. Even if you don't get first most of the time.

 

Be willing to wait a very long time of you want the chemistry you had with R and Maverick, in a man who has legitimate feelings for u and WANTS you, all of you. I choose to wait a few to possibly ten years to get the elusive combo of white hot chemistry with a man who happens to fall for me. Then again, I don't care whether or not I have kids...

 

I date heaps of men. The ones I share the most PHYSICAL chemistry for often come on strong and then dissapear a date or three later. And I don't care because I never invest anything at all. I talk to multiple men. I now date multiple men at once. Because the men I feel the hots and the spark for often won't stick around. The dating game is pure luck. Numbers. Getting lied to and dissapeard on over and over and over again. U have to learn to not care.

[Leigh 87]

We could all see from the start that R just wasn't that into you.

 

Many Rs have happened to me. The men who DO feel the strongest chemistry for us are usually the ones who don't get feelings for us; men who are wildly attracted to us physically rarely end up genuinly " falling " for us. It's just the laws of attraction. Those we feel the hottest for are rarely the men who FALL for us beyond the physical, very superficial layer.

 

You shouldn't have even entertained hanging out with R.... He showed u who he was long ago. You're a girl he felt sparks and passion for on a physical level. He showed you he never felt anything of substance.....

 

It wasn't u putting your walls up. Oh please. Men who fall for u..you know, all those " rreally genuinly nice guys " ??? The ones who actually text and call us when they say they will?? your walls could be right up and THOSE types of men, who are actually into you, will still reach out and arrange a date. Even if you don't get first most of the time.

 

Be willing to wait a very long time of you want the chemistry you had with R and Maverick, in a man who has legitimate feelings for u and WANTS you, all of you. I choose to wait a few to possibly ten years to get the elusive combo of white hot chemistry with a man who happens to fall for me. Then again, I don't care whether or not I have kids...

 

I date heaps of men. The ones I share the most PHYSICAL chemistry for often come on strong and then dissapear a date or three later. And I don't care because I never invest anything at all. I talk to multiple men. I now date multiple men at once. Because the men I feel the hots and the spark for often won't stick around. The dating game is pure luck. Numbers. Getting lied to and dissapeard on over and over and over again. U have to learn to not care.

[venusishername]

The men who DO feel the strongest chemistry for us are usually the ones who don't get feelings for us; men who are wildly attracted to us physically rarely end up genuinly " falling " for us. It's just the laws of attraction. Those we feel the hottest for are rarely the men who FALL for us beyond the physical, very superficial layer.

 

 

But I don't want to believe this, Leigh. It makes no logical sense. If you have a great chemistry with someone, and you enjoy being around them and like them as a person, why the heck wouldn't you want to be involved with that person? My long term relationships began with men I had that 'passion' with from the start. Granted, neither one of them was a 'good guy' or a healthy relationship.

 

 

But I refuse to believe that the strong chemistry doesn't amount to someone not developing real feelings. I've personally experienced it and I've also witnessed it with many people I know who are in long term relationships.

 

 

It doesn't make SENSE to me that if you do have a chemistry beyond physical, like mentally, emotionally as well.. that those two people wouldn't end up together or at least pursue something.

 

 

So the fact that R and I had this crazy chemistry, not only just physically, we enjoyed being in each others' company, we got along well, we talked, the conversations were good, we had fun... I just don't get it. But I guess that's not my problem.

It wasn't u putting your walls up. Oh please. Men who fall for u..you know, all those " rreally genuinly nice guys " ??? The ones who actually text and call us when they say they will?? your walls could be right up and THOSE types of men, who are actually into you, will still reach out and arrange a date. Even if you don't get first most of the time.

I know. But I was putting walls up and I'm ready to take them down.

Be willing to wait a very long time of you want the chemistry you had with R and Maverick, in a man who has legitimate feelings for u and WANTS you, all of you.

Why? I had that for ten years straight before. Leigh, I think its ok to have a hot chemistry with someone as long as it also has substance. Hot physical chemistry doesn't mean it's superficial at all. I want a passionate (healthy) love. I won't settle for less. If that's keeping me single for four years and counting, I think that's ok. Maybe I'm just stubborn. But I want someone who I feel butterflies and a draw with, physically and on all levels.

Getting lied to and dissapeard on over and over and over again. U have to learn to not care.

 

 

I know what you mean; I've gotten to the point where it's starting to roll off my shoulder. I still get disappointed and well, pissed, but I find it easier to (try and) not give a damn! I think that comes along with being more secure in yourself, not that it is being cynical.