When it rains it pours

[venusishername]

But Lissvarna, I want to SEE him. I hesitate to come right out and make an invitation. I'm kinda waiting to see what his next move is. I always think after becoming physical men should be the ones to come forward and make the initiative, it will prove their interest or something.

I don't want to be alone tonight and normally I'd spend a holiday night with friends but I'd much rather spend it with someone in a romantic way since that's on my horizon...

Maybe I'll give it until the end of the workday and reach out. I will be really bummed if I don't see him this week, that's for sure.

 

Good for you with your new guy. Sounds promising

Yes, hard to be patient, isn't it?

[Eighty_nine]

But Lissvarna, I want to SEE him. I hesitate to come right out and make an invitation. I'm kinda waiting to see what his next move is. I always think after becoming physical men should be the ones to come forward and make the initiative, it will prove their interest or something.

I don't want to be alone tonight and normally I'd spend a holiday night with friends but I'd much rather spend it with someone in a romantic way since that's on my horizon...

Maybe I'll give it until the end of the workday and reach out. I will be really bummed if I don't see him this week, that's for sure.

 

Good for you with your new guy. Sounds promising

Yes, hard to be patient, isn't it?

 

If you message him casually and just to talk though, he may ask you to go out and do something. If you are hesitant to just come out and ask him to hang out with you, it's a good way to lead him in that direction. Depends how direct you want to be or if you'd prefer he continue to do the pursuing.

[venusishername]

If you message him casually and just to talk though, he may ask you to go out and do something. If you are hesitant to just come out and ask him to hang out with you, it's a good way to lead him in that direction. Depends how direct you want to be or if you'd prefer he continue to do the pursuing.

 

 

Sure, I guess not a biggie. No harm in doing that. The first (and last) time I initiated contacting him and asked to see him he declined, which is why I hesitate. I'm afraid he will take it as me 'chasing', and others here have said things like let him miss you, etc. After my last experience, I guess I want to know for sure that this one's genuine about pursuing me, so I've been hoping he comes to me. He's had no trouble taking the initiative in asking me out since we reconnected a few weeks ago.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I'm still not totally clear on this guy's motives, but by now you shouldn't feel too anxious about asking to see him. There's nothing unattractive or unfeminine in saying "hey, it'd be great to see you this weekend, want to get dinner?"

 

He'll probably be jazzed to see you again. If he declines again without suggesting a solid alternate date for the coming week, then drop him. You deserve someone who's willing to fit you into his schedule.

[sagamore]

Hmm, I don't know. Yes, there's nothing inherently unattractive or unfeminine about initiating contact. But most men, and especially the type of man Venus likes, almost ALWAYS initiate contact with someone they are crazy about, especially early on.

 

My now-husband was a complete commitment-phobe before we starting dating. I heard stories about how he would only give his long-time gf two nights a month. A MONTH! But when we started dating, he made every single move. Asked to see me multiple times a week. Made tentative plans to see me again before we had ended the previous date. And within a month he had asked me to stop dating other people. (I wasn't - but I deliberately made "other plans" at least one night a week so he wouldn't know how much I liked him )

 

It's possible that this may end well. He has shown some signs of interest. But I still read some hesitation on his part, and no amount of initiation on Venus' part will solve that. I'd wait.

[GildedLily]

I find it a little off putting he didn't ask you to be his date for thanksgiving, isn't that sorta a given seeing as you guys have slept together and he's told you promising things about his intentions for you? I mean, he thought you were good enough to have sex with but not to to bring as a date to thanksgiving dinner? To me that would be a red flag! Also if he ignores this holiday and doesn't call you to at least check on you tomorrow, forget him and don't call him, don't chase, see how long it takes him to remember you're alive.

[venusishername]

I find it a little off putting he didn't ask you to be his date for thanksgiving, isn't that sorta a given seeing as you guys have slept together and he's told you promising things about his intentions for you? I mean, he thought you were good enough to have sex with but not to to bring as a date to thanksgiving dinner? To me that would be a red flag! Also if he ignores this holiday and doesn't call you to at least check on you tomorrow, forget him and don't call him, don't chase, see how long it takes him to remember you're alive.

 

How funny you should mention! He asked me to be his date for Thanksgiving. We had talked about our plans for today last time, I do have family to go to this afternoon and he does work today, but he invited me to join him at his friends' place for dinner when I got back.

 

As for yesterday, all ended well. I did text him in the afternoon to see how his week was going, he was working but did get back to me. He didn't make any invitation but I figured I would wait until he was off and ask. But I didn't have to! I was figuring I'd just make other plans when he called and asked me to dinner. Said he was just getting home from work, and asked when I could be ready!

So we met and walked to this new hotspot in our town, had a great dinner. I really like spending time with him and although we rushed the physical part, I'm finding the conversation comes just as naturally. Learned we have more in common than I thought... I'm glad to meet someone who can share some of my same passions! Who would've thought... some guy I kissed on the beach over the summer I'm now dating some months later. Timing is everything, right?

 

He invited me back to his place where he put on a movie he was telling me about, and we ended up in bed of course.

I admit to having been very eager with him as far as being physical, but the emotional/intellectual connection is following. I know it's generally 'supposed' to be the other way around. But this has worked out well so far. I've been very closed off to let my heart open, so I've only let myself be open to the physical part of a relationship because I do want that intimacy. He's very patient and kind so it makes me want to trust him with more than just that. It's easy to find physical attraction. I have to say... I've never been with a man with a body like his, it was really hard to resist! I mean, WOW. Talk about being in prime physical condition.

 

In the morning we woke up very early because he had to work today (being that he is with the fire department! ) and he drove me home.

I'm falling for this guy, but I don't feel so in the clouds about it. I feel pretty grounded about this. Plus, as much as I hate mornings, he made it not so miserable today, hearing him sing in the shower. He's a complete sweetheart, and a gentleman too. I don't think his phone call the other night was a booty call at all anymore. He just seems to like calling me and from now on I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

It's very nice to be treated well. Last time I dated a guy who treated me like this was last year around Thanksgiving. He asked me to be his date on Thanksgiving and I said no because he was moving too fast for me. I pushed him away and kicked myself the rest of the year for letting that one go. Now I feel like I have another chance to let a good guy into my life and my heart. He makes the last guy I dated over the summer that I was so gaga for look like an arrogant and inconsiderate prick. I know it's still too soon and we haven't talked about being exclusive, but the way things are going I have a feeling it may not be long. I wonder if he assumes I'm not dating anyone else... sigh, it's been a LONG time since I had that conversation with someone. How does it work?!

Edited November 27, 2014 by venusishername

[acrosstheuniverse]

Anyway, update! Ha, all the stressing about whether or not I should keep my date tonight.. and now it's not happening.

I woke up early, got all dolled up to meet him after work, and I saw he had texted me around 8 a.m. to cancel due to him having the flu. He said he did want to meet me and asked if we could 'shoot for next week'. Of course I understand, and I don't think he's not interested in meeting me, I was sick last week too...but this alleviates my anxiety about it!

 

I hate to sound like I'm shooting you down in flames, but you really are too forgiving, and will end up hurt if you insist on believing the best of people you don't even really know yet! If a guy was interested in meeting you, he'd be meeting you. If he had flu, he would let you know a day or two beforehand rather than text that morning to cancel. He'd respect your time and the fact you could be making other plans and not wait until the last minute like that. He wouldn't be content with 'shooting for next week', he'd know that as someone on online dating, he needs to pin you down for a date fast because somebody else might snap you up before he gets chance to see you. Take it from someone who has done lots of online dating, seen a lot of crappy behaviour that men thought I would take, and wound up finding relationships as a result of not settling for the kind of lukewarm behaviour that this guy 2 chap is pulling.

 

As for things with guy 1, if you've been on multiple dates, and been intimate several times, that's enough for him to know whether or not he wants you with exclusivity or not. If he was really into you then he knows enough by now to know that he dislikes the thought of other men sleeping with you and to ask you if you're seeing anyone else. I read that his behaviour is quite lukewarm but because you are so desperate to find a relationship, you're sort of jamming him into the 'potential boyfriend' shaped hole when really, he doesn't fit. I'm sorry to say, because you've been having sex with him without even finding out where he wants this to go with you, he's probably pleasantly passing the time of day with you or doing whatever he needs to to keep the sex going, while unfortunately you're building up a potential relationship in your head. And I can't say the guy is doing anything wrong either, it doesn't sound like he's lied to you. What's holding you back from asking him where he sees this going? There's nothing wrong with that. Although to be fair, most of the time if you have to ask then the answer isn't usually going to be positive!

 

I think it's alright to contact him, casually, ask how his week has been so far or something like that.

I don't know. Most men don't need the kind of communication women do. I'm dating a guy who tells me he likes me, asked to be exclusive, compliments me, is always available to me, makes plans in advance etc., but I don't necessarily hear from him every single day. He always contacts me after a day, two at the most. But it still bugs me that he doesn't check in every single day. I'm trying to start realizing... this is pretty normal behavior for an early dating situation. So I do make first contact now and then.

 

I don't really get this, each to their own but... if I've agreed to be exclusive with somebody, and turn down other options for relationships and other options for fun social activity (going on dates), then I'd definitely expect to be hearing from the person I'd basically promised myself romantically and sexually to on a daily basis. If the chemistry and budding bond is that strong that you both are happy to be exclusive, I don't see how it's weak enough that neither of you mind if you don't share at least a few texts or a phone call about your days. I think it's normal behaviour when two people aren't hugely into one another, but I don't think it's usual for the majority of happy relationships when they start out. Usually you're so smitten with one another you can hardly hold back from getting in touch. Most people talk about trying to hold back when they're truly into somebody, I'd wonder if somebody was into me enough for me to be willing to be exclusive if all day, and all night, they didn't send a single text.

 

Trust your gut. Don't force yourself to be okay with that level of interest from somebody if deep down you'd rather be with somebody who is swept away by you!

[venusishername]

Do not post abusive comments to my thread. (Not you, acrosstheuniverse)

Anyway, guy 1 seems genuine to me, of course no harm asking where he sees this going. To be honest I've been deciding whether I'm interested in continuing it, but so far I want to. I'm not looking for an instant boyfriend. I'm gunshy about being exclusive with someone again. It's been years and I had a very traumatic breakup so really in no rush to label it. I don't think he's doing anything wrong and neither am I. I'm comfortable with where things are right now. Today would be a good time to mention it. But. I probably won't. I think actions speak louder than words anyway. My last boyfriend didn't bring that topic up until a month of us dating, after sleeping together. So the fact that he hasn't asked doesn't cause the alarm to go off at this point in time. It is amazing to me how many here are cynical and quick to assume. I'm not desperate for a relationship. If I was I'd be in one by now, believe me.

As for the online guy, he's been texting me regularly even today to wish happy thanksgiving. He went out of town and wants to meet next week. I'll still met him but I'm not making any decisions yet.

And just to clarify for the record, sleeping with someone to ME means only sleeping with one person.

Edited November 27, 2014 by venusishername

[Eighty_nine]

I hate to sound like I'm shooting you down in flames, but you really are too forgiving, and will end up hurt if you insist on believing the best of people you don't even really know yet! If a guy was interested in meeting you, he'd be meeting you. If he had flu, he would let you know a day or two beforehand rather than text that morning to cancel. He'd respect your time and the fact you could be making other plans and not wait until the last minute like that. He wouldn't be content with 'shooting for next week', he'd know that as someone on online dating, he needs to pin you down for a date fast because somebody else might snap you up before he gets chance to see you. Take it from someone who has done lots of online dating, seen a lot of crappy behaviour that men thought I would take, and wound up finding relationships as a result of not settling for the kind of lukewarm behaviour that this guy 2 chap is pulling.

 

As for things with guy 1, if you've been on multiple dates, and been intimate several times, that's enough for him to know whether or not he wants you with exclusivity or not. If he was really into you then he knows enough by now to know that he dislikes the thought of other men sleeping with you and to ask you if you're seeing anyone else. I read that his behaviour is quite lukewarm but because you are so desperate to find a relationship, you're sort of jamming him into the 'potential boyfriend' shaped hole when really, he doesn't fit. I'm sorry to say, because you've been having sex with him without even finding out where he wants this to go with you, he's probably pleasantly passing the time of day with you or doing whatever he needs to to keep the sex going, while unfortunately you're building up a potential relationship in your head. And I can't say the guy is doing anything wrong either, it doesn't sound like he's lied to you. What's holding you back from asking him where he sees this going? There's nothing wrong with that. Although to be fair, most of the time if you have to ask then the answer isn't usually going to be positive!

 

 

 

I don't really get this, each to their own but... if I've agreed to be exclusive with somebody, and turn down other options for relationships and other options for fun social activity (going on dates), then I'd definitely expect to be hearing from the person I'd basically promised myself romantically and sexually to on a daily basis. If the chemistry and budding bond is that strong that you both are happy to be exclusive, I don't see how it's weak enough that neither of you mind if you don't share at least a few texts or a phone call about your days. I think it's normal behaviour when two people aren't hugely into one another, but I don't think it's usual for the majority of happy relationships when they start out. Usually you're so smitten with one another you can hardly hold back from getting in touch. Most people talk about trying to hold back when they're truly into somebody, I'd wonder if somebody was into me enough for me to be willing to be exclusive if all day, and all night, they didn't send a single text.

 

Trust your gut. Don't force yourself to be okay with that level of interest from somebody if deep down you'd rather be with somebody who is swept away by you!

 

Since I wrote that post he has been contacting me daily, because we're just getting closer and things are progressing. But i have to disagree with your general theory that constant contact is the hallmark of serious interest. What about before cell phones? Did people who had been dating a month or so speak on the phone every single day? Seems like a lot to me. Also seems like a little bit of mystery, or missing someone, would be good for a relationship. The last almost relationship I was in, we texted constantly. All day every day. And I actually think that had a lot of adverse effects on what could've been a real relationship.

Edited November 28, 2014 by lissvarna

[Brooke02]

Since I wrote that post he has been contacting me daily, because we're just getting closer and things are progressing. But i have to disagree with your general theory that constant contact is the hallmark of serious interest. What about before cell phones? Did people who had been dating a month or so speak on the phone every single day? Seems like a lot to me. Also seems like a little bit of mystery, or missing someone, would be good for a relationship. The last almost relationship I was in, we texted constantly. All day every day. And I actually think that had a lot of adverse effects on what could've been a real relationship.

 

2 days though!? I agree with the missing each other, that is good. But after one day hes not missing you and wanting to contact you!? If he's into you, he'd be contacting you more often than that.

 

The mystery would be questioning if he is into you ir not. Especially after your exclusive.

[Eighty_nine]

2 days though!? I agree with the missing each other, that is good. But after one day hes not missing you and wanting to contact you!? If he's into you, he'd be contacting you more often than that.

 

The mystery would be questioning if he is into you ir not. Especially after your exclusive.

 

lol. I hate to hijack Venus' thread but I gotta respond to this. Because the guy ive been dating a month and a half who sees me 3-4x a week, asked to be exclusive, tells me how much he likes me and compliments me regularly, posts about us on fb etc, has on two occasions gone a day and a half (not two full days, I correct myself) without contacting me, - I should be questioning his interest in me? There's a lot of good advice on these boards, but the criticism of potential partners gets excessive. I notice it a lot. There can be all kinds of great evidence that someone is clearly into someone, but there's always a few people who will find the one expectation the potential mate doesn't live up to and say "move on". It's a little ridiculous.

[venusishername]

It's all relative. Everyone has different expectations of what they think is enough or adequate contact or what 'pace' is appropriate. Obviously we all have different values and goals as to what we are ready for in terms of dating.

 

Anyway, with my situation I was just thinking about that yesterday: how I'm comfortable with the pace and frequency of contact as it is right now. Being so soon, and not getting wrapped up in expectations, I am really happy with the way things are going so far. This will only be the third week we have been seeing each other and it's been consistently twice or three times per week for dates and and 90% contact on his part every couple days.

Last night was really nice.. he had invited me to join his friends' party after my family dinner. I had a good time. He was attentive to me but we weren't all clingy with each other either, which I feel comfortable with. I'm an independent and very social person, and felt confident enough to mingle with people I've never met before while he's there but not 100% attached at my hip. It's still new so we're not all over each other but definitely engaged. Always different around a crowd...all the other couples were all over each other and he and I were close and only playfully affectionate but kept at a slight distance. I guess that's to be expected this early on. Then again, I'm not sure if I'm ready for that or he is, or what he wants from this, and what I want yet...

 

We left in a taxi together and I was ready to go home, but he invited me to spend the night, which I did..because well, I wanted to have sex with him... and we simply just cuddled (ugh, that word makes my stomach still turn just a little!) No sex, no sexual touching, just holding and intending to fall asleep. Being the woman I am, I thought that would be a good time to kind of gauge where his head was at and we kind of talked about the 'pace' it was going and how we both were comfortable with it and how we are enjoying getting to know, etc. but that it was just a matter of time at this point for us to get closer. I was satisfied with that, honestly. I don't feel a need to demand from him: "So, what are your intentions with me?". The actions speak louder than the words anyway. In this case, his actions are telling me he genuinely wants to get to know me and spend time with me and likes me. I truly do not get the impression that he's being dishonest or insincere or just interested in screwing around and passing the time. We talked about that, how the sexual part came easy (and fast) but it's all this other 'stuff' that takes the real effort and TIME. (I know, what a concept! ) That's what is happening now. At least on my end, I feel we have great conversations and he even mentioned the chemistry on all the levels, I'm very comfortable around him, have similar goals and values, he makes me feel at ease and is respectful and considerate and is taking me on nice dates, calling me on the phone, making plans in advance, asking me about things I mentioned once before because he's listening, not pressuring or being aggressive sexually. (To me those are all very positive signs that someone is genuinely interested). In fact I've usually been the one instigating anything sexual with him, beyond a kiss or something comparably innocent... So last night I didn't. We just slept. Woke up very early again and he went to work, drove me home, and kissed me goodbye. He called out to me something sweet and endearing too, which has made me smile for the remainder of the day.

I've been busy with other people today, and was pleasantly surprised when he texted me tonight, just checking in and saying hello.

I had told him this morning that I wanted to make him dinner at my place sometime in the next few days... and that I'd get in touch. I thought it would be best to take a step back and give some space considering we spent the last two nights together. As much as I'd like it to be right away, I think pacing it is a better idea. Either way, I just really want to make this man dinner, and have him on my turf.

 

However, I still have the same looming dilemma. Online guy has been consistently making sure I know he's interested in meeting me. Whether or not that actually happens remains to be seen (and frankly, it would be no skin off my nose if we didn't). My attitude is, 'well, I'm still feeling A out, so until I KNOW whatever it is I need to know, I am not going to limit my options if the opportunity arises'. I guess that's what I can expect that he may be thinking as well!! As far as the online thing, I haven't looked since. I am tempted to see when A was last active, but I've been able to control that urge so far. I don't want to go there.

In my experience, if a man is really interested, he makes sure that he contacts you and/or sees you at a consistent and regular basis so you don't have TIME to go out with or talk to anyone else. That's just been the case with the men I've dated seriously. They just kind of 'popped up' all the time.

In this situation though, I do feel that we are on the same page.. it does seem that he is looking for more than just fun. I know I am, but I also want to take the 'relationship/emotional' part slowly, like we talked about. I don't need to know any answer right now, and he's not obligated to give me anything or vice versa just because we slept together. I don't think 'well, I'm good enough for him to screw, than that means I'm good enough to invite to Thanksgiving' as someone mentioned earlier. Sex to me is not a means of a power play.

However, if I turn the tables, if I saw him or knew that he went out with someone else, it would hurt! I would feel mislead. I might consider not dating him anymore if that happened. I can't help but wonder if I do that, he might want nothing to do with me anymore. Maybe it's ok to just dedicate my efforts into one man at a time.. until I know for sure I want to continue it or not. It would be alright just to enjoy the present and what is happening right in front of me, and not what I think I 'should' be doing. So far, it is working well and I am happy with it. I think it's a good idea to let it develop as it will. If A disappoints, then it is NOT the end of the world, and I still have other options out there. I don't see the harm in giving it a fair chance with all my efforts. Even if it turns out he isn't doing the same, then at least I know I did.

Edited November 29, 2014 by venusishername

[venusishername]

How can I bring up the Tinder thing? He mentioned it on our third date (two weeks ago now) asking me what I thought about it. I think he may have been fishing a little... but I deflected the conversation by giving a half assed response and changing the subject.

I'm curious to know if he's still looking on there. He mentioned that he's only met with one other person before me through the app. I'm not looking anymore, but I bet he's also curious. How can I bring this up, or should I wait for him to? Maybe he just assumes I'm not talking to anyone else. If I bring it up I'd have to be honest about my looming date with the other guy. The last time I had the 'are you seeing anyone else' conversation was 7 years ago. I haven't made it to this point with someone in that long. Ugh, don't know what to do. Help.

Edited November 29, 2014 by venusishername

[venusishername]

I hear crickets it's so quiet in here

I guess that means things are looking positive and no one thinks I should dump the guy yet! (half-joking)

After Thanksgiving, he texted me on Friday night just say hello. Then he called Saturday night and asked to see me on Saturday night. We did. Yesterday we didn't see each other.

I invited him over for dinner tonight that I'm making from scratch, which is something I really love to do for someone I'm dating and interested in. He's really looking forward to it, and so am I.

 

I haven't felt the need to bring up the conversation about intentions or seeing other people. It's pretty clear that all of his free time is directed on me and he's genuinely interested. I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask, just to put me at ease. I don't want to continue sleeping/and 'sleeping' with him if we aren't on the same level. It wouldn't be fair. I want to get married (someday soon)... and don't have time to waste on men who aren't interested in anything serious. I'm not jumping in full force; I want to take time and get to know, which we are doing now... I'm trying to set the pace on the amount of time we see each other. I think this week I need to make a more conscious effort of that. So far, going into the fourth week now we have been seeing each other for dates about maybe 2 times a week. I think that's good. He texts me most of the time, and we are in communication every other day or so. Now it's been picking up.

 

 

The best part is, after spending the time we have together, I'm learning we are building a friendship too. He's someone I have the important things in common with (so far) and who I genuinely enjoy being around. He's thoughtful and kind and talks about our future dates and is showing me all the signs he really likes me. Tonight I was thinking I would bring up the topic as to dating other people, etc.. only because I want to continue having sex with him and don't want to waste my time and miss out on someone else who is on the same level as I am.

[Eighty_nine]

How can I bring up the Tinder thing? He mentioned it on our third date (two weeks ago now) asking me what I thought about it. I think he may have been fishing a little... but I deflected the conversation by giving a half assed response and changing the subject.

I'm curious to know if he's still looking on there. He mentioned that he's only met with one other person before me through the app. I'm not looking anymore, but I bet he's also curious. How can I bring this up, or should I wait for him to? Maybe he just assumes I'm not talking to anyone else. If I bring it up I'd have to be honest about my looming date with the other guy. The last time I had the 'are you seeing anyone else' conversation was 7 years ago. I haven't made it to this point with someone in that long. Ugh, don't know what to do. Help.

 

maybe I missed something... bring up what about tinder?

[venusishername]

maybe I missed something... bring up what about tinder?

 

Tinder is how I 'met' the other guy I have been talking to and was trying to plan a date with.. may still be in the works..

 

 

But what I mean is this guy, A, and I reconnected via Tinder. We met in person several months ago and that's how it came about that he recognized me on Tinder and he then contacted me via phone to ask me out.

I've been so busy dating him that I haven't wanted to look for others on Tinder, or subject myself to the temptation to see when he was last active. I just want to know if he's still using it, because I'm not :-\

[venusishername]

Well, I guess the fact that there's no drama or apparent red flags here doesn't prompt any responses It's alright.. I'm really happy and it doesn't matter! I'm really enjoying this budding relationship, and I think it has definite potential.

 

I had to finally tell the other guy from Tinder that I couldn't meet him. He asked last night and I responded this morning that I couldn't anymore. Unfortunately just a matter of missed timing, if it had been a little sooner it may have been different. But the fact that this relationship with A has progressed in the way that it has, I want to dedicate my efforts to him.

Even if it doesn't work out, I want to fully focus on nurturing this because he has proven so far that he has good intentions and I really like him.

 

I brought the conversation up with A last night. I made dinner and he came over with wine. He seemed really looking forward to it all day. As usual, the conversation was fun and there's a very strong physical attraction as well as just a great connection. I feel like we are friends too, or building a friendship anyway.

After dinner (which was my favorite part of the date) he asked if I wanted to go walk and get ice cream. I thought that was so sweet. That made me feel really happy; it reminded me of being young and falling in love with my high school boyfriend. It was innocent and sweet. It's been a long time since I've done something like that on a date.

 

We watched a movie at my place and he just had his arm around me and touching my hand, and he asked to stay with me. Before things heated up in bed, I felt that was my only chance to talk about things so I went for it. It was awkward and I stumbled on my words, but he let me talk. I said I wanted to make sure we are on the same page, if we are going to continue to be physical, I need to know if he's seeing anyone else and what he's looking for. I told him I realize the first night we met over the summer that although I jumped into the physical part fast, that's not all I am looking for anymore. It was then, but not anymore. He said, "I know." And I asked how he knew, and he said "because you told me." Ha, that was easy. I said I really wanted to see where this will go but that I wanted to make sure he's on the same page.

He wasn't very verbally expressive in response, but the few words he said spoke volumes to me. He said he wants something serious, he really likes the way this is going between us, and he wants to continue that. He's not seeing or talking to anyone else. He didn't ASK me if I was, I think the fact that I even brought it up was his answer. Besides, he's contacting me so often I don't have time! He's been making sure no one else can date me because he's the one staying at the front of the line! He always talks about our future plans and dates, like how next time he will cook for me, or let's check out this restaurant, or let's go to this movie, etc. This is how it's supposed to look!

 

Unfortunately, we couldn't have sex because I was physically unable... but I truly cannot wait to do that again. It's been over a week since we did and it's been constantly on my mind. He promised he would give me everything I wanted as soon as I was ready. Damn, I can't wait. I'd like to spend the whole day in bed with this guy.

Anyway, I feel much better after having that conversation and being reassured that we were on the same page. Then I could cut my Tinder connections loose. We didn't talk about deleting our accounts or anything. He didn't ask me to be his girlfriend. But that's the direction it's heading so far...

Edited December 2, 2014 by venusishername

[venusishername]

Since the other night's conversation (on Monday), I'm disappointed that things haven't picked up a little. In fact, now I'm feeling insecure. Trying to do my best to be patient and not expect too much so soon.

I think I was expecting things to move a little faster once I brought that up, but things at least this week have stayed about the same. I can't help but wonder if I made the right decision.

We are still getting to know each other and ironically, the physical part has kind of cooled (a little) compared to the beginning. I think that part comes easy, it's the other stuff that's more difficult.

After Monday night, we did spend the night together (no sex because I wasn't able) and I had a busy week and was happy to hear from him Wednesday night asking how was the play that I went to. He remembered, I didn't respond until later because I was in the play, and I didn't hear back from him for almost 24 hours! I assumed he fell asleep after he texted me, which he said he did. (He has done that before, and I believe him). So last night we just texted a little bit, and he did it again! The last thing he said was he was really tired. I asked him a question and he never responded, so I'm guessing the same thing happened! I can't help but feel insecure, wondering if I brought that conversation up too soon. I mainly did that because I want to continue sleeping with him and be sure that I'm not wasting my time.

 

So now it's Friday. I have already made plans for this weekend but I would really like to see him in between those plans. Now I'm not sure that will happen. He has a tendency to be a spontaneous inviter, calling me once he gets home from work to ask me out. It's been every weekend so far.

Looking back on the past month now, it's been 2-3 times a week for dates and no more than two days have gone by without contact, almost always by his initiative.

Am I just being impatient? Are there red flags I'm blind to? I don't think so... I feel he is trustworthy and genuine. My concern is still that he's using Tinder or not sure about me and therefore keeping a safe distance. My gut is that he's just trying to pace the relationship... and I should too. Thoughts?

[Eighty_nine]

Since the other night's conversation (on Monday), I'm disappointed that things haven't picked up a little. In fact, now I'm feeling insecure. Trying to do my best to be patient and not expect too much so soon.

I think I was expecting things to move a little faster once I brought that up, but things at least this week have stayed about the same. I can't help but wonder if I made the right decision.

We are still getting to know each other and ironically, the physical part has kind of cooled (a little) compared to the beginning. I think that part comes easy, it's the other stuff that's more difficult.

After Monday night, we did spend the night together (no sex because I wasn't able) and I had a busy week and was happy to hear from him Wednesday night asking how was the play that I went to. He remembered, I didn't respond until later because I was in the play, and I didn't hear back from him for almost 24 hours! I assumed he fell asleep after he texted me, which he said he did. (He has done that before, and I believe him). So last night we just texted a little bit, and he did it again! The last thing he said was he was really tired. I asked him a question and he never responded, so I'm guessing the same thing happened! I can't help but feel insecure, wondering if I brought that conversation up too soon. I mainly did that because I want to continue sleeping with him and be sure that I'm not wasting my time.

 

So now it's Friday. I have already made plans for this weekend but I would really like to see him in between those plans. Now I'm not sure that will happen. He has a tendency to be a spontaneous inviter, calling me once he gets home from work to ask me out. It's been every weekend so far.

Looking back on the past month now, it's been 2-3 times a week for dates and no more than two days have gone by without contact, almost always by his initiative.

Am I just being impatient? Are there red flags I'm blind to? I don't think so... I feel he is trustworthy and genuine. My concern is still that he's using Tinder or not sure about me and therefore keeping a safe distance. My gut is that he's just trying to pace the relationship... and I should too. Thoughts?

 

Nothing you mentioned is setting off huge red flags. I think it's POSSIBLE he's cooling off, but he may just be trying to keep a reasonable pace. I feel like as long as he's still contacting you first (even if not constantly), he's still into it. It's also good that he remembered your plans to go to the play. If you took a long time to respond, could he have been trying to match you by waiting til the next day?

 

It reminds me of my situation a littlle. I've been dating the guy for about two months. For about 3-4 weeks, he made all of the plans and 90% of initial contact. Then, we had the exclusive talk, which he initiated. He continues to initiate most of our contact and regularly asks me how my day is going, but now I'M usually the one to ask to see him. He has been, literally, available every single time I've ever asked to get together & often makes the actual date plans. Like, yesterday I asked if he wanted to do something tonight and he suggested the restaurant and made reservations. It still bothers me sometimes that he's not scheduling all the dates like he was in the beginning but other than that factor, ALL signs point to him being very into me. So... my wonder is, do guys back off from the "taking charge" or "chasing" roll a little after the exclusivity talk? I'm wondering what men have to say about this.

[venusishername]

Nothing you mentioned is setting off huge red flags. I think it's POSSIBLE he's cooling off, but he may just be trying to keep a reasonable pace. I feel like as long as he's still contacting you first (even if not constantly), he's still into it. It's also good that he remembered your plans to go to the play. If you took a long time to respond, could he have been trying to match you by waiting til the next day?

 

It reminds me of my situation a littlle. I've been dating the guy for about two months. For about 3-4 weeks, he made all of the plans and 90% of initial contact. Then, we had the exclusive talk, which he initiated. He continues to initiate most of our contact and regularly asks me how my day is going, but now I'M usually the one to ask to see him. He has been, literally, available every single time I've ever asked to get together & often makes the actual date plans. Like, yesterday I asked if he wanted to do something tonight and he suggested the restaurant and made reservations. It still bothers me sometimes that he's not scheduling all the dates like he was in the beginning but other than that factor, ALL signs point to him being very into me. So... my wonder is, do guys back off from the "taking charge" or "chasing" roll a little after the exclusivity talk? I'm wondering what men have to say about this.

 

I don't know, I don't think there's any room for 'games' or 'matching' here... after I posted, I got a text from him apologizing for not responding last night, as he fell asleep again. He offered his work schedule for the weekend, which is what I had asked (about his time off, hinting that I'd like to see him at some point). He didn't make any suggestion to get together, but I'm hoping that may be coming later. I'm not going to respond and just go about my plans for the night. I just wish he'd take more initiative (all around). That's my only complaint so far.

I feel like we are not at the point you are, Lissvarna... I was hoping that he would bring up the exclusivity talk soon. Maybe it is too soon still. When I mentioned it the other night, it wasn't about being exclusive. It was about what are you looking for, what are we doing, etc. I did ask him if he was talking to or seeing anyone else (for purposes of sleeping together) but it's still really bothering me, as we have yet to have the 'exclusive' talk. I'm pretty sure we are on the same page as that goes, I'm just mistrusting I guess. It's been a long time since I cared and am now actually taking it seriously.

Edited December 5, 2014 by venusishername

[Eighty_nine]

I don't know, I don't think there's any room for 'games' or 'matching' here... after I posted, I got a text from him apologizing for not responding last night, as he fell asleep again. He offered his work schedule for the weekend, which is what I had asked (about his time off, hinting that I'd like to see him at some point). He didn't make any suggestion to get together, but I'm hoping that may be coming later. I'm not going to respond and just go about my plans for the night. I just wish he'd take more initiative (all around). That's my only complaint so far.

 

I see. You said he wasn't seeing/talking to anyone else so I thought that meant you'd had that exclusivity conversation. But if he offered you his schedule, sounds like that's him letting you know when he is available and maybe you should suggest a time to hang out that works for you also.

[juicygirl]

This guy(a) isn't interested. His just sleeping with you. If his were he would have took your details three months ago when you kissed him at the beach. When he saw you online he thought sex, sex,sex,sex and sex. After dating you a while he could have changed his mind, but the fact that he is not the one asking to be exclusive speaks volumes, he would have told you I" want to be with you" statements like I wanna see where this go just mean I like the sex. He likes having sex with you and is keeping you around until he finds a better fit for him. You are getting to emotionally involved with him because you slept with him already and it's clouding your judgement. If you want a **** buddy ok keep him around. Another thing is op, you don't seem very clear yourself on what you want.You like this guy (a) , but you're still chasing guy ( b on Tinder)etc. If you want a relationship this doesn't seem the way to do it, it will blow up in your face.

[venusishername]

This guy(a) isn't interested. His just sleeping with you. If his were he would have took your details three months ago when you kissed him at the beach. When he saw you online he thought sex, sex,sex,sex and sex. After dating you a while he could have changed his mind, but the fact that he is not the one asking to be exclusive speaks volumes, he would have told you I" want to be with you" statements like I wanna see where this go just mean I like the sex. He likes having sex with you and is keeping you around until he finds a better fit for him. You are getting to emotionally involved with him because you slept with him already and it's clouding your judgement. If you want a **** buddy ok keep him around. Another thing is op, you don't seem very clear yourself on what you want.You like this guy (a) , but you're still chasing guy ( b on Tinder)etc. If you want a relationship this doesn't seem the way to do it, it will blow up in your face.

 

Wow, seriously?! Try reading the thread more carefully. We had sex ONE night. He DID get my number months ago and used it. He told me when we reconnected that he didn't follow through because he was kind of on and off with someone at that time and it wasn't a good time to pursue something with me, although he was interested. I made it abundantly clear that I was interested in more than sex. He knows that and is still sticking around. I'm not chasing anyone on Tinder. I told him I wasn't able to meet him anymore. Once it became clear A was interested and has been proving that he's interested in more than sex (as I am), and actually building something, I decided to devote my energy to that.

You are entitled to your opinion, but I really couldn't disagree with you more. I know the difference between someone who's just interested in sex (trust me) and someone who actually wants a relationship. He does seem sincere. A guy just in for the sex isn't going to do the things he's been doing. Plus, if he was in it just for the sex, he'd be pressuring for it.

My concern is not whether he's interested in me. My concern is whether I can trust that we are on the same page as to what we are looking for out of this.

Edited December 5, 2014 by venusishername

[Brooke02]

He wasn't very verbally expressive in response, but the few words he said spoke volumes to me. * didnt say he wanted to be exclusive

 

 

He said he wants something serious, he really likes the way this is going between us, and he wants to continue that. * The sex

 

He's not seeing or talking to anyone else. He didnj't ASK me if I was, I think the fact that I even brought it up was his answer. Told you what you wanted to hear for the Sex If he was really interested in being exclusive he wouldve asked you if you are seeing anybody else...

Besides, he's contacting me so often I don't have time! He is? Your latest thread days hes not.. Or just not asking to do things with you?

 

 

He's been making sure no one else can date me because he's the one staying at the front of the line! He always talks about our future plans... [B]Then why cant you just ask him yourself? Least you'll have an answer, how long are you going to wait?