When it rains it pours

[venusishername]

Thanks Leigh, I really appreciate your input and thanks for sharing. You have some good points, and I like that you recognize he spoils you with what he has. You can't compare yourself to other people.

Fortunately, I have an education and career I can depend on, so in the long run, I don't need anyone else to support me. Yes, if it came to it... I would envy my friends who get to stay at home for an indefinite period of time with their newborns, children, etc. I am not attached to the idea of being a stay at home mom, I just would like the CHOICE for a short period of time. I don't want to have to be worried about money for the rest of my life.

 

On the other hand.. he isn't offering me the 'rest of our lives' right now. So why am I even thinking about this? I have nothing but time being away from him to stew on it and pick apart everything. I guess that's not a bad thing though because I'm being very thoughtful about this. I have so much going on in my head I just have to write it out. The first week after we see each other is the hardest for me.

 

 

I have some positive news. I talked to him about my idea of putting our money aside each week together and we can pool it to spend on these 'trips' to see each other. Neither one of us can afford to continue spending hundreds of dollars every six weeks, not without saving it up first. I was only going to mention it once, deep down hoping he would jump on it and take action. I didn't want to have to ask him or hound him about it. He contacted me tonight to tell me he put x amount away this week and 'let's keep saving up our money and using it to be with each other.' I thought that was wonderful. He wants to work as a team with me, he's willing to do that, and that's what I need. I am happy that he's so willing to do that. It shows that he is invested. And to work as a team with finances... that's a good step I think!

 

 

I like what Leigh said about expressing distaste when someone spends irresponsibly. I think I had a chance to do that this last time when I was there. I can see already that he values my opinions about these things, and he pretty much is willing to do whatever he has to make me happy, so I see room for improvement here. These are things that can be improved on.

 

One of my closest friends said something very hurtful to me the other day. I know she cares about me but she has expressed nothing but skepticism about him since day one. I think there's a part of her that is envious. She's single and everyone around her is married and coupled up. I was in her shoes for years, so I guess I understand the thought of feeling you might be left out...when all your friends have relationships. Anyway, she met him twice, the first time in New Orleans... and she said the other day when asking about my trip... that she thinks this is just a fling. How when I tell her about money, that he reminds her of her ex, also in his early 40s, how he didn't have much going for him and never wanted a better job, etc. I was like- a fling?! For over 4 months? And we're talking about our plans for summer, fall, next Valentine's Day, the possibility of pregnancy and we know we're taking a risk by pulling out but we're ok with the consequences, he's been here twice already and we talk every single day... how is this even comparable to a FLING?! I could see where she was coming from as far as the financial security factor... but her ex was lazy and a pothead. That greatly influences your work ethic and ambition. My guy isn't like that by any means. In fact, the opposite. BUT- the fact that he hasn't had steady work for the past few months, and instead is making it as he can, with his side job, etc., I mean... that's not a bad thing but it's not great either. This isn't how it always is going to be with him. If it is... that's a problem. But I don't believe this is permanent. But she has a point... at his age, he should have much more security. That sure is what I would have wanted. I'm not happy about her attitude about this relationship, so I decided not to talk to her about it anymore. Maybe she's right and is looking out for me. But I think she is mostly envious. The first time he came out here after we met, she wasn't happy for me, she expressed this disdain, almost, like 'this is crazy, I can't believe he would do this.' I was like, 'wow, so it's so far fetched that someone could be in love with me?!' Maybe I should reconsider who my friends are.

 

The financial irresponsibility is very worrisome to me. But like Leigh said, these are things that can be worked on together. I want my man to have a day in and out stable income. I don't want him to be working crazy hours or not know where his money will be coming from. At this point, me wanting a husband and family... I think of that security as paramount. So, this is where there could be a divide for me. THIS is what could make me change my mind.

 

But...I think of other people I know that have that so-called 'security' financially. But their husbands sometimes go out all night and spend all their money at the bar, get wasted and not come home, or are disrespectful to them. I've seen or heard of these women not knowing where their boyfriend or husband is sometimes. He got too drunk and spent all the money in his wallet. He took off and we couldn't find him. Or he's got a solid career, but he's pretty arrogant or has a really boring personality, or they don't have that chemistry and passion together. Of course, that is not the case with everyone who is financially secure. My point is, it doesn't equal happiness, or emotional security for that matter.

 

The chemistry and connection that we have, since day one, is unlike anything I have experienced before. I've dated SO MANY MEN I can say that with confidence. I know what something real is. This relationship makes even my two long term relationships before seem completely fake. He may not be financially secure for his age as compared to others. He never went to an advanced education like I did and so of course I can't compare him to someone who went to grad school and expect him to have that income.

I could probably go back online (vomit) and shop around or attempt to find myself an accountant or engineer in my own town who bores me to death and is 'safe' and secure. But would I be happy? No!! I am so easily bored, almost every guy I've ever dated could hardly keep my attention, except for this one. I remember thinking with some guys... I am so ****ing bored I am about to kill myself, yeah he's cute, but I'm struggling to find conversation and excitement here, I could just about fall asleep.

My mom used to say that about me, how it would take someone special to keep me from getting bored. I need the full blown mental, emotional, and physical stimulation from a man. And you know what, I already know I would never be bored with him. And that's saying a lot. It MEANS a lot to me too.

And Lana, it's not just about passionate sex and hot dancing with him. He excites me, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel open and alive, very strong. He makes me feel I can trust his word and that he has my back. He has integrity. He's humble. He loves children, and is kind to everyone. He's never made me doubt his feelings for me, never ever! He makes me feel like the most confident, strongest version of myself. He values my opinions greatly, and he values me. He's romantic, passionate, the sex is just... pffft I can't even begin to explain...he'd bend over backward to make me happy, his purpose has been to do whatever he has to do to make me happy and see me smile... but above all... he makes me feel PRIZED and cherished. Dare I say that only one other man in my life has made me feel that way, my own father. No one, no one that I've been with, dated, had relationships with, has ever come close to cherishing me the way he does. I think I may be willing to sacrifice those things some of my friends have.... for someone who seems to worship the ground I walk on. But... I'm dreaming with my eyes open, like you said.

 

The good thing about this relationship is... although he's got that big powerful, alpha personality that I'm attracted to, and he's a take charge guy... I feel completely in control. Not that I'm telling him what to do, I'm just standing my ground, and he validates that in me. He isn't intimidated by what I require, like many men have been... who make me feel small and insecure for wanting those things. He brings it out of me. I feel totally comfortable laying down my 'rules' with him. I've already done that with the talk over Valentine's Day that we had. He knows my 'rules'. He doesn't know ALL of them yet, but he will soon enough. I feel like as I got older and the bad relationships/dating I've been through, the less BS I'll put up with. I have no problem calling him out whereas I didn't feel confident enough to do that before. I was a girl then

 

On that note, recently the topic of marriage in general has been in our conversation. He has brought it up, almost as if he is thinking about it, or just not afraid to talk about it. I already told him that my goal and intention is to get married and have a family, that's what I want... so I suppose now he's thinking about these things....

For example...when we were talking about saving money together for our next time together... he said something about how cooperating and discussing money, etc. was an important part of a marriage...

I told him that my best friend just got engaged and I spent yesterday with her catching up and that we had a good time. He asked me how did he propose to her, and do I like her guy? Maybe that was a meaningless comment... but the fact that he's talking about marriage with me shows me that it's on his mind. ! I don't think it's out of the question that he might propose, if this continues...

 

Sigh. It's really hard not knowing the details yet of when we can come together again. But we are planning for it. The more time apart, the worse for me. Sundays are really the hardest.

Edited February 22, 2016 by venusishername

[Eighty_nine]

Venus, a few things (I'm not good at multiquoting and don't have a lot of time at the moment)

 

1) did he give you a solid answer about the picture of the woman on his phone? I'm not saying you should worry, only, the only time I've ever been insecure is during my brief LDR experience years ago. I think I'd just want to solidly know he was committed to you, loyal, and that he has no problem explaining anything that might make you a little nervous (because people with nothing to hide are usually very upfront)

 

2) I'd hesitate to call your friend envious just because she has concerns- that very well could be it- but not every single person is jealous just because they express a concern

 

3) I've mentioned I think sometimes you display some 'rigid thinking' in the past and I just want to bring it up again-- you could find spark with an engineer or a gas station attendant or your guy; those qualities aren't mutually exclusive. I understand you know that and you weren't trying to say they are. But sometimes you do find the "whole package" -financial stability, passion, healthy communication etc-- and STILL there will always be something that's just a little incompatible. That's OK. I will say that ALL relationships have struggles. ALL have shortcomings, even when people present themselves otherwise.

 

I think some people, women and men are seekers, always looking for something 'better' and I think that's no good. Being happy when you're happy and just allowing that sounds easy but many of us don't do it. My bf has dated all kinds of people and enjoyed them while it was working; he's dated such a variety of people I remember being confused about what he was looking for or what he liked (many guys, I find, have a 'type'). Now I realize that he doesn't go into relationships with a checklist or precedent or any thoughts about others would think. If he likes people, enjoys them and he is happy he goes with it. He has really taught me something in that aspect and more in this relationship than any other, I just really enjoy him and don't find myself looking for shortcomings. I see that I make him happy, he makes me happy and that's the end of it.

 

Now as long as you know & are committed to supporting yourself I think the situation is fine-- but when it comes to joint accounts and buying houses and kids and things, you have to be careful. He has to work with you and prove he can be responsible with money when it's really important. That's not outlandish and I'm sure it's possible. It's a good sign that he followed through & put that money away after you discussed it.

Edited February 22, 2016 by lissvarna

[venusishername]

Venus, a few things (I'm not good at multiquoting and don't have a lot of time at the moment)

1) did he give you a solid answer about the picture of the woman on his phone? I'm not saying you should worry, only, the only time I've ever been insecure is during my brief LDR experience years ago. I think I'd just want to solidly know he was committed to you, loyal, and that he has no problem explaining anything that might make you a little nervous (because people with nothing to hide are usually very upfront)

2) I'd hesitate to call your friend envious just because she has concerns- that very well could be it- but not every single person is jealous just because they express a concern

3) I've mentioned I think sometimes you display some 'rigid thinking' in the past and I just want to bring it up again-- you could find spark with an engineer or a gas station attendant or your guy; those qualities aren't mutually exclusive. I understand you know that and you weren't trying to say they are. But sometimes you do find the "whole package" -financial stability, passion, healthy communication etc-- and STILL there will always be something that's just a little incompatible. That's OK. I will say that ALL relationships have struggles. ALL have shortcomings, even when people present themselves otherwise.

 

I think some people, women and men are seekers, always looking for something 'better' and I think that's no good. Being happy when you're happy and just allowing that sounds easy but many of us don't do it. My bf has dated all kinds of people and enjoyed them while it was working; he's dated such a variety of people I remember being confused about what he was looking for or what he liked (many guys, I find, have a 'type'). Now I realize that he doesn't go into relationships with a checklist or precedent or any thoughts about others would think. If he likes people, enjoys them and he is happy he goes with it. He has really taught me something in that aspect and more in this relationship than any other, I just really enjoy him and don't find myself looking for shortcomings. I see that I make him happy, he makes me happy and that's the end of it.

 

Now as long as you know & are committed to supporting yourself I think the situation is fine-- but when it comes to joint accounts and buying houses and kids and things, you have to be careful. He has to work with you and prove he can be responsible with money when it's really important. That's not outlandish and I'm sure it's possible. It's a good sign that he followed through & put that money away after you discussed it.

I didn't press the picture of the woman in his phone because I decided after we talked after that it wasn't anything to worry about. I know because he tells me that he is solidly committed to me and I'm his only girl, that he's not interested in other women, 'what's the point?'; he has displayed to me with actions over and over that he's invested in me. Knowing that he likes to take pictures and is a very social person, I realize he meets a lot of people and makes friends wherever he goes that a woman in a photo isn't a threat to me. It wasn't an inappropriate photo of course. Also, I have seen his honesty and from what I know of him he's a very genuine person who is transparent and very upfront as far as I have seen. He's volunteered to me in the past that once an ex contacted him and seemed like she was interested in getting back together...and he told her about me, etc. So- I mean, of course the long distance makes me worry sometimes.. but then I realize how much in love with me he is and how devoted he is to this that I know I don't have to be concerned. If there were other behaviors that made me feel suspicious, then I would worry.

 

I really like what you said about knowing that you make each other happy, not looking for shortcomings, and that's it. I like that a lot and I'm going to try to think that way from now on too. He DOES make me happy. He's not the 'whole package' or the guy on paper that I thought I would end up with. I also never thought I'd find someone like him, who is as special and wonderful as he is, and who loves me the way that he does. I sure didn't ever think I'd find my next boyfriend in another city. I didn't expect my next boyfriend to have that crazy accent. *(!) Most of the time you end up with the things that you didn't plan for, but are really good for you.

 

I'm also not sure my friend is envious, but maybe just a little. She seems more skeptical than anything. I guess that's fair that she's waiting until he walks the walk, and not just talks the talk. But so far, he's walked the walk this whole time. So when he says something, based on his track record... I believe he won't disappoint. Because- he never has yet.

 

Actually, he and I happened to have a conversation today about finances. Sometimes I have a moment of weakness and start thinking too much and too far ahead. But I am able to talk to him about it. He's there to listen and to communicate.. this is wonderful. I brought it up in a way as to understand where he was coming from, his plans, etc. I didn't pose it in a way that I was scolding or demanding. I just wanted to understand his 'goals' in that regard, so to speak. He told me very matter of fact that he is slow right now, he's still waiting on the big contracts, it's just a matter of them not hiring right now, he's doing everything he can and making money where he can and focusing on bringing in the income. He volunteered the information that he was paying off his debt, he told me he doesn't have good credit, but he's working on these things but it just takes working towards it on a daily basis. He said I was right about being financially secure, and he thinks that's very important and that's his intention. Also, he likes the idea of us putting money aside individually so we can be together. And we're doing that! I told him I like doing these things together and having a goal. It makes me feel more connected to him.

 

He continues to talk about future plans with me...in the months from now, the fall, lately it's even been next year. He asked me the other day, point blank... 'so, your long term plan is to live in your state, right? Is that what you want?' And I was caught off guard by his directness...(but I love it) and I said that 'yes, I always did think that was what I wanted. I would like to live here. It would take a lot for me to leave. But... I can be flexible under the right circumstances'. I didn't say anything about my 'rules'. It's not that I wouldn't move to be with him unless I was married. But... I would need a proposal. If things continue as they have been, I think that would be the only option.

 

And on that note.. I already mentioned here he's been talking about marriage in general lately, but today... he said something that really hit me. I know for sure he's thinking about this now. I'll try to explain the best I can. Since we've been sleeping together, months ago now, he has made offhand remarks about me getting pregnant, how he has to be careful not to get me pregnant, in a joking way. He has talked about it repeatedly, often enough to the point that it kind of has taken me aback. Today while we were talking about finances and plans for the future.. he said something that maybe was half in jest like that.. but in essence he said something to the effect of 'We have to talk about these things because you might be having my future kids.' I stopped dead in my tracks. He paused, waiting for my response...and I said 'I think I might be ok with that.' And he went 'mmm...' as in thought.

He likes the idea of it, I can tell. I admitted to my newly engaged girlfriend the other day that I would like to have his babies, and get married of course. It's strange how strong that primal desire is between us. I never had that with any other man I've been with. Maybe it's because he's older, I don't know. In any case, I'm totally ready to take that on now, so long as I have the right man. I already know what kind of father he'd be. That automatically makes him more attractive to me. I guess we can blame biology for all this.

 

He'll call me just to tell me he's thinking about me; if I call him and he missed the call, he'll always call back, no matter how late. It's been almost 5 months now, and not one single day has passed that we have not been in contact. He has said recently that he considers me his closest friend.

I feel I can tell him anything, be silly, be myself, even be emotional. He calms me down because I'm a very anxious person and I do need someone patient. He suffers from the same anxiety, and he says with me I am able to diffuse him. We do compliment each other very well. As I found out, our high energy levels and passionate and stubborn natures combined can get fiery, but we worked together as a team very well to come to a resolution.

 

The most important part is that we are truly in love. I'm reminded of that every day, throughout the day. Even from small things like comments he makes on my Facebook, and pictures he sends me. He'll talk about how xyz reminded him of me that day, how he misses my smile, how he can't wait to love and squeeze me very soon...he tells me I have his heart and I know it. I'm not sure I've ever met a man who is so much in love with me.

 

And while we are talking today... I looked up at the buildings in my beautiful city... and I told him that 'I do really love it here, but it doesn't have YOU.' There's so much longing mixed with happiness and being in love.. it is romantic... but the more time passes... the stronger our feelings are, the deeper it seems to become. I know this distance won't last. We've both grown so attached that distance just won't be an option soon enough. I can feel it coming.

 

And Lissvarna, you are right. I'm going to stop looking for shortcomings or reasons not to be happy and be part of this. This is a very exciting and special time for me, and I'm going to enjoy it for what it is.

Edited February 23, 2016 by venusishername

[venusishername]

Just felt like writing a little. It really does help to get my thoughts out.

Sometimes I feel good, sometimes not. I think about him constantly. Sometimes I find myself stalking him on FB just to see what he's up to, then I have to stop myself. It's really hard being apart.

 

I decided the other day to stop picking this apart and just enjoy it. I find myself worrying too much about the future when I should be focusing on now, and where it is. I just thought about it and we are almost going on 5 months! We've talked every single day since we met, and that's saying a lot for a long distance relationship I think. When I find myself starting to get antsy, or sad, or missing him, I hear from him. It's like... he feels the same way. I don't worry about games or making a move, if I want to text or call, I do. It's really easy. I've also found that we really do have a special friendship also. Someone asked me what do we talk about when we have our long phone calls?... I couldn't really give an answer. But we always have found so much to talk about.

 

 

Since our last visit a couple weeks ago, we talk about our plans to see each other next, in April, and this summer, the fall, next year. He asked me if I would like to plan to go with him to his family member's wedding in July. Out of the country! (but not too far). THAT would be more romantic than New Orleans any day. He even asked me if I would be interested in living in a particular city in my state, closer to his family here, in the future. We talked about living together before marriage and how we both felt about it. I thought that was good. I told him I don't think it's a good idea, based on my previous experiences. He thinks it's a good idea before getting married. He lived with his ex wife only a couple months before they married. I assume they were engaged at that time. But it was good to talk about it.

 

 

I think I mentioned here that the other day, he was talking about 'our future kids', maybe it was half in jest, but the fact that he said it...

And he knows what I'm looking for... he feels the same, so if we stay together and make this happen I don't doubt that's where it's going.

I've never been with a man that was so forward about his desire to have kids. I mean, I think he likes the idea of it with me. I realize we don't know each other all too well just yet, but I guess when you find someone who you are totally in love with, you start thinking about the future and if you both want that family unit, you want that with each other. And it seems that we do.

 

 

He said something so sweet the other day... how when I was there, he liked seeing me in his house. How he was so used to being alone, it took him by surprise sometimes to see me there. How he liked having me with him at home. ! He's truly in love.. he wants to share his home with me. Then it got me thinking... I would be flexible to moving to be with him, not unless we were engaged.. but it doesn't matter WHERE we are, if we are together, I will be happy with that. But that's no time really soon. I'm locked into my lease until October. And that just happens to be the one year mark. I can't think ahead that far, but it's hard not to since we've been talking about the future so much.

 

 

He has said things like he has never had this much communication and connection and never talked so openly about everything even when he was married before. When I was with him, he was talking about his daughter and how she's a bit of trouble and how she really could use a good female role model, and he looked at me, as if he thought that I could be that role model.

 

 

Despite all these things that show his investment and sincerity, I find myself looking for reasons to feel uncertain. When he's been so transparent and always followed through. I try to imagine a time when we can be together, day in and out, but I can't picture the details. I think waiting a year is going to be too long. He told me the other night, 'I have something to tell you, and I need to find the right words. This isn't working out for me.' I was like 'what?!' and my heart fell into my stomach. He said, 'this isn't working out for me being away from you. I want to be with you.'

 

 

How are we going to do this? He can't pick up and leave New Orleans anytime real soon, nor would I pick up and leave all this behind to find a place there to work, put my stuff in storage, and move in to his house. He has always talked about coming to my state, he would find a place here and get settled with work, then we could be together all the time. But I think it might just be easier for me to go there. But I'm not ready for that yet. Plus, I think he'd rather come here. Ugh.

 

 

It's so hard just to take a step at a time, because I don't want to waste my time. That's what I need to work on, every day... reminding myself to appreciate the moment.

 

 

In the worst case scenario, we break up because we meet someone else in our own city, or we discover we aren't willing to continue putting in the commitment and effort, for whatever reason. I wish there was a way that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's so hard knowing that I don't get to share his day to day life, we can't go on dates although we try to have 'simulated' dates sometimes on video, and talking, we both see other couples and it makes us lonely, obviously the physical lust is driving us crazy too. I think I would feel better if I knew we had an upcoming date. Then I would start counting down the days like I've done before. I'm sure that will be soon. It just scares me a little to not have it planned. Like I could lose him. I don't want to lose his love.

 

 

But then I think.. he wouldn't let me go easily. He'd have to be desperate to risk losing me. I think about my exes, who didn't want me at one time, in their own ways, and we ended it, then they begged me to take them back after. I'm pretty confident that any man who's ever really loved me has kicked himself with regret for losing me. That gives me consolation, because god forbid that happens now, he'll come back fighting for me. (I know, negative thoughts).

 

 

Ultimately, I realize that I've arrived at a different level of maturity, far more than when I began this thread. I used to wonder if I was worthy, or if I was good enough to be in a normal, healthy relationship, and be a wife and a mother. I used to wonder if I was cut out for it, otherwise I would have it already. But I realize, and he's helped me believe it, that I am very much worthy of those things, and that I would be a good wife and mother, that I can hold true to what I want, and ask nothing less than what I deserve. I truly think it just took the right man to make me feel so secure in that. Of course, I had to get there myself first. But he reminds me daily of how highly valued and prized that I am. He makes me feel that way with or without his love. His love only enhances it.

 

 

I have to say... I go through so many emotions and thoughts about this relationship... but it makes me settled at the end of every day when he calls or when we connect. It's our best reminder that we are there for each other, and not alone.

[venusishername]

Hi everyone. Today has brought a new development. Things have now progressed to another level.

 

 

I spent the entire weekend full of nerves. Sundays are the hardest for me because that's a family day, all the couples are out together, having breakfast and walking on the beach. It makes me lonely. But we talk all day long, throughout the day. I called him this afternoon and ended up pouring out my feelings.Something happened today that compounded my nerves, and I reached out to him. I told him that this distance is really hard for me, sometimes I feel insecure about it and I don't want to, but I have to admit to him that I do sometimes. I can't hide it and pretend I'm happy and like the distance doesn't get to me. And he said he feels insecure too sometimes. I think the hardest part for me is knowing that we have this together, and being apart. And knowing that he's out with people sometimes, other women are around, I feel a twinge of jealousy and fear that I could lose him. I think we both feel that way. I told him about what happened that made me upset (I had a blast from my past today).

Ah, long story. My ex, who stalked me for a couple years, crossed my path today. It's been a couple years since I saw him or even thought about him much. I saw him, don't know if he saw me, but it really shook me up. So, I told my guy, and he knew generally about what I went through with it, and his reaction was so strong that I think it was then I realized that is what I want. This is what I was looking for all this time.

He went into total protective mode. He even raised his voice a little, telling me I better listen to him, I need to do xyz, etc. He said "'I will protect you, I'm here to protect you." Then he said "Let's start planning our next visit together. I think I might be able to buy your ticket, how about in April. Or, you know what, maybe I need to come out there, if your ex is around, maybe he needs to see that he's not going to be able to bother you, or even look at you, if I'm with you."

You guys, I don't want to get into what I went through with my ex, but it was really, really traumatizing. No other man in my life, even my own father, has ever gotten as protective and angry as my man just did today. I struggled during that time going through it, single, wanting a hero to get mad like he just did, and who would step in and protect me against someone who was hurting me. All that time I wished for someone who would make me feel as secure and safe as he just did. And he doesn't even know the half of what I went through, either. But that doesn't bother him. He wants to protect me, doesn't matter what obstacle. I can see that now. He just earned so many more points with me because of that. I was so worried I'd have to settle for a pansy, who played it safe. This man is going to stand up for me.

 

We had a couple phone calls already today. I think he's been having a tough day too, lonely as I have been. We had been texting and I told him I bought this ingredient because he cooks with it a lot, and I wanted to try and make it too. He called, and said it would be great if I could learn to cook this and that. Then he trailed into musing about what if I were to live with him. That since he's met me, he notices all the other couples around, in his romantic city, and he wishes that he could have me there. How he's just trying to find a way to be with me.

 

What if I found a job there, I could move in with him, I wouldn't have to pay much, hardly anything, he'd be happy with me just taking care of the groceries, I could save so much money.. how he couldn't get out to my state anytime really soon, plus he has a house there to take care of, and the move out here isn't a secured deal anyway, he's got it set up there already. How if I moved in, I could save so much money, I could pay off my student loan, and even get a new car, (which I do need), then he could take care of getting things secured there and leave the house for his daughter to take care of, etc.

 

Here was my cue. I haven't brought up my engagement before living together rule yet, but this was my chance. Coincidentally, we've recently talked about how we feel about living together before marriage. He thinks it's a good idea; I do not, based on my experiences. I told him that it would take A LOT for me to leave this behind. I have a good job here, I love my city, I have a place full of my own furnishings and have worked hard to create my own home and my security. I appreciate what he is offering me, but I'm not willing to give this up to move across the country for a boyfriend who is simply offering me a place to live. (!) If I were to do that, I would need a proposal. And although I respect his feelings that it's good idea to live together before marriage, I would not budge on mine. (I said it!!)

 

At first he joked about it, like 'ok, I hear your rules. So, you could have your own room if you insist, I already gave you that 'girlfriend ring' on our first date, haha,' and I said that didn't count, I would need a ring that actually fit! Ultimately, he said 'I see your rules. You are hard to get. Just like the first night I met you, and the night of our first date, you wouldn't let me in your hotel room. But consider what I'm offering. Maybe you could look into what the jobs look like out here, just to get an idea.' And I said I would, and thanked him for his offer, and I'll consider these things. But now he knows, very clearly, how I feel about moving in together. The fact that he even brought it up is huge. We even talked about the idea of buying something, just generally, like we would need joint income to do that. Then he said he doesn't have good credit, I knew that, and I said that's something that can be improved, I did it myself, and he says he's working on it.

 

So- now we've progressed to talking about living together, talking about marriage, kids, our plans next year, etc. I think now that I was so firm in my stance (like I was the first time when I didn't allow him to come in and sleep with me during my first visit to New Orleans), all I have to do is sit back and be totally secure in that he knows what it will take if he wants to be with me. He told me he's just trying to find a way that we can be together... because clearly he doesn't want the distance anymore. I could see how much it's affected him today. I thought I was the only one feeling so sick with longing.

 

I need another visit or two (which is already being discussed) before I would agree to marry him, although I would be very close to saying yes right now. Now I know it's on his mind. His wheels are turning. Just like the first time, when I left NOLA not knowing if I'd ever see him again, thanking myself that I didn't sleep with him that last night...he obviously was affected by me and has never stopped pursuing me since. I think the same thing will apply this time. I'm really confident in that. All I had to do was stand my ground. And I think some men would back down because of that. But he hasn't yet.

 

I think today was a big shift. I'm beside myself with so many emotions.

[lana-banana]

I'm happy you laid out your piece and said what you needed to say. However, I think you may have to do more than just "sit back and be totally secure". It's not just on him. He seemed equally firm in his conviction that living together prior to marriage is important, and you will probably have to find some kind of compromise if things are to continue agreeably. But that's what relationships are all about anyhow. It's very good that you had a rational, mature conversation despite your opposing viewpoints.

 

It seems like you're still very much in the honeymoon period so I'm not sure if you're really (almost) ready to marry this guy. Have you had a serious fight yet? Can you spend long hours together in silence? How do you both manage day-to-day tasks? There's still so much you don't know about him---especially his finances. While it's wonderful that he's trying to address his situation I think it's a huge red flag that he's 42, regularly maxing out his credit cards and is in no place to buy a home. I think you absolutely need to know the following things before making any life-changing decisions:

 

- his monthly income, both on average and on a month-to-month basis since it seems to vary

- his current credit limits

- how much he has on each of his credit cards

- how much is in his bank accounts

- how many debts he has and the total of said debts

- if any debts are delinquent or in repayment

- his current credit score (honestly the least important since that can change fast if you're responsible and the debt isn't too severe)

 

I'm not trying to be mercenary about this. But there's a huge difference between living on a budget and deciding which bills you can afford to pay.

 

I didn't respond to your earlier posts because I spent this past weekend moving in with my boyfriend. I used to be like you and was strongly anti-cohabitation before marriage. We're doing it just for six months to save money prior to an engagement (provided things continue to go well, of course!). I know some people might not like the lack of surprise, but I was thrilled when he promised we'd be engaged by the end of September. It allows me to focus on my career, my savings, and our relationship without stressing over what the future will bring.

[venusishername]

I'm happy you laid out your piece and said what you needed to say. However, I think you may have to do more than just "sit back and be totally secure". It's not just on him. He seemed equally firm in his conviction that living together prior to marriage is important, and you will probably have to find some kind of compromise if things are to continue agreeably. But that's what relationships are all about anyhow. It's very good that you had a rational, mature conversation despite your opposing viewpoints.

That's true, I may need to compromise some. That may mean me leaving here at some point. I think what really shook me was that he actually is talking/thinking about this next step. I realize that is generally the natural progression of a relationship... I just didn't think it would happen to me again, and so soon into something so new, especially long distance. I just was/am happy that he's thinking in that direction! It was such a relief to me because I've been sick with loneliness and anxiety this past weekend. All along, it's been progressing into a deeper level anyway... maybe the reality of it just takes me by surprise. I was thinking about someone who I thought was my friend saying that she thought this is just a 'fling'. Interestingly, I haven't heard too much from her for awhile. Some friend, right? I was so offended when she said that. Yeah, sure, almost 5 months talking every day and head over heels in love, now he's talking about moving in together? Pretty far from a fling, isn't it.

 

It seems like you're still very much in the honeymoon period so I'm not sure if you're really (almost) ready to marry this guy. Have you had a serious fight yet? Can you spend long hours together in silence? How do you both manage day-to-day tasks? There's still so much you don't know about him---especially his finances. While it's wonderful that he's trying to address his situation I think it's a huge red flag that he's 42, regularly maxing out his credit cards and is in no place to buy a home. I think you absolutely need to know the following things before making any life-changing decisions:

 

- his monthly income, both on average and on a month-to-month basis since it seems to vary

- his current credit limits

- how much he has on each of his credit cards

- how much is in his bank accounts

- how many debts he has and the total of said debts

- if any debts are delinquent or in repayment

- his current credit score (honestly the least important since that can change fast if you're responsible and the debt isn't too severe)

 

You make it sound like a laundry list of questions to ask him! Did you actually ask your boyfriend these things before agreeing to continue dating him? I get your general point though. Over the past several months, I have gathered much of this information from what he has volunteered to me. He has debt, he doesn't have good credit, and he doesn't have a steady income source for all 12 months out of the year. Some months are great, some 6 months at a time, etc. I do know that. I also know he's not lazy and works as much as he can to make the ends meet.

I DON'T know him day in and day out on a face to face basis because we live so far apart. When I was there last, we did have an argument, we did spark each other up, we have seen some of our main weaknesses throughout all this time. Of course the only way to learn more is to spend more time together.

And I agree, at his age, I would have liked to fall in love with someone who has more money, more stability, and more financial backing. But it seems he has done well enough all this time on his own. I know he's not rich and I'll never be a pampered housewife with a huge diamond if I stay with him. He can't offer me a new Cadillac and the luxury of staying home with our child like my friend has. But I'm not helpless. There are two of us in this, and it would be a partnership. I already know that when he has his contracts (which he has continued to pursue), he has a very stable and decent income, he will work a lot, and that's what he's been doing all his life anyway. He just does what he can. I'm in a lot of debt myself with student loans. It's not unmanageable, it just takes time. Someone on here said the financial part is something that can/will be something to work together on. One person can have most of the 'control' over it, etc. if they are better suited for it, etc.

 

But the fact is, I can't help who I fell in love with, and I can't help that we are REALLY IN this now. I was thinking about this earlier today... how I do love him and I'm in love and excited and ready to experience this relationship in whatever capacity it will be. He seems to think I have men falling all over me and he admitted tonight he feels threatened by other men who will be fighting for my attention. "It must be hard being so beautiful and wonderful. Now I have to fight against the other knights in shining armor to make sure no one takes you away from me." (No man has ever said that to me, by the way.) And that's what all women really want to hear. And he means it! I have dated so many men. Not ONE has ever said something like that to me. It means the world.

 

I'm too proud to admit to him that I have no one pursuing me, no one else is after me, despite what he may think. He doesn't understand how I could POSSIBLY be single for so long, and not have men fighting for my attention.! I think if he knew the truth he wouldn't be able to understand how they couldn't see what he sees. Sure, it would be nice to think I have men fighting for my attention, and offering me all this love at every corner, but man... in the past 4 years I was single, I can't say anyone ever was willing to fight for me, not even close. I was lucky if I dated someone for more than a couple weeks. It made me laugh inside when he said that... how I must have men wanting me all the time, how they're going to try and get to me...(!) I can't remember the last time I was approached and actually PURSUED. Sure, I've seen some cute guys out here and there and they would talk to me. But none of them pursue me. Not like he has.

 

My point is... what he is offering me... is my best offer now, and has been my best offer so far. I have never met anyone so willing to give his heart to me, to show me love and respect in the way that he does, and who has so many of the important core values and qualities that I find attractive and indicative of a good partner (money aside). I could spend the rest of my life searching for someone with all his financial ducks in a row, but who doesn't make me feel alive and cherished and protected like he does. He's offering me far better than what I've ever been offered before. And no other man is fighting for my love... he can think so if that keeps him motivated to get me by his side. I'm sure other men do notice me and do think I'm great, or think I'm beautiful, whatever. But maybe they just admire me from afar, or are taken, or are intimidated, or they just aren't suited for me. I must say, I can't think of anyone in my life, past or present, who thinks as highly of me as he does. I'm not willing to let that go.

 

We talked tonight about our next visit. He said he would pay for my ticket in a heartbeat if he could, why don't I send him the info and he'll look at it. I offered to split the cost, or if he bought my ticket I would take care of the groceries and I'd cook at his house nearly all the time. He liked that idea too. So- it's in the works for April. He says he's got a job up in the air right now so he's got to stick around and get that settled so he can have that worry off his mind. I told him to not let this traveling and long distance between us cause him stress but to focus mostly on securing the work/financial situation. He seems to be highly motivated because of me/this, so he said he will do whatever he has to do so he can have me with him as soon as possible. And, the best part... I trust that he will.

 

He told me tonight that he's been worried about me.! I think after I mentioned my ex back in the area, he seems to have started to worry that he's going to try and get me back. I explained that wasn't going to be an issue, that's long past! But either way, I think me telling him about it caused some trigger in him to want to protect me (very good), and well, like after we met... he was so worried that someone else would steal me away from him, he called me every day, flew out here twice, and showed me how much I mean to him. Phffft. So he may not be perfect. He may not be in the place that other men 'should be' at his age. But he's offering me far more than anyone I've ever encountered. Most men I've known, if they ARE interested in me, the don't have the balls to say so and fight for me, or they liked me and wanted to have casual sex with me but didn't want to date me, or... they took me for granted. He's not anything like those guys. He's far better. That's why I am investing.

 

I didn't respond to your earlier posts because I spent this past weekend moving in with my boyfriend. I used to be like you and was strongly anti-cohabitation before marriage. We're doing it just for six months to save money prior to an engagement (provided things continue to go well, of course!). I know some people might not like the lack of surprise, but I was thrilled when he promised we'd be engaged by the end of September. It allows me to focus on my career, my savings, and our relationship without stressing over what the future will bring.

Congratulations!! I think in most normal circumstances, living together before marriage is reasonable for many people. I've done it before and was burned so I am far more reserved and not willing to take that risk again. Obviously you are confident in your upcoming engagement, and I'm sure that made your decision much easier to move in. And just for the record- I'm not against living together before marriage if there is an engagement. That's my compromise. Good luck with your first week

Edited March 1, 2016 by venusishername

[Eighty_nine]

 

- his monthly income, both on average and on a month-to-month basis since it seems to vary

- his current credit limits

- how much he has on each of his credit cards

- how much is in his bank accounts

- how many debts he has and the total of said debts

- if any debts are delinquent or in repayment

- his current credit score (honestly the least important since that can change fast if you're responsible and the debt isn't too severe)

 

I think this is a little excessive; I'm having a baby and buying a house with my partner, and even still I'd feel very invasive asking him all this. I do agree that Venus should know around how much debt her boyfriend has and what his income is. Then, she'll know what she'll be working with when it comes to buying a home together.

 

I do agree with Lana though that while it sounds like he is serious about moving your relationship forward, I got the sense that living together before an engagement or marriage is important to him. Not that he won't compromise, but he didn't mention it in your conversation. I think it's just something to be mindful about-- that you may need to be the one who compromises.

 

I'm glad he's concerned about and treating you well. Just remember this is normal good boyfriend behavior! He *should* be concerned and he should be protective. Sign of a good man.

[lana-banana]

You make it sound like a laundry list of questions to ask him! Did you actually ask your boyfriend these things before agreeing to continue dating him?

 

No, of course not. But you'd better believe I would ask him these things if I knew he had serious financial problems! If my boyfriend said "hey, I'm sporadically employed and my credit situation is very bad but I'm making it better", I wouldn't just say "oh, okay then". I would need to know how much, when, where; not only for my own sake, but also to determine how I could best help.

 

Yes, you will address financial issues as a couple and work together. But if you are planning a future with someone you have a right to be an informed party in all major decisions, financial or otherwise. Details matter. Does he have 300 bucks in debt or $30,000? In the first case, you might just cut back on going out for a month; in the second, you might need another job.

 

I'm not telling you to let him go, reconsider, or walk away. Far from it. I'm just telling you to be informed. Everyone, and I mean everyone, comes with red flags. It's just a matter of how they address them. When you know there's a problem you should know as much about it as possible so you fully understand it.

 

Congratulations!! I think in most normal circumstances, living together before marriage is reasonable for many people. I've done it before and was burned so I am far more reserved and not willing to take that risk again. Obviously you are confident in your upcoming engagement, and I'm sure that made your decision much easier to move in. And just for the record- I'm not against living together before marriage if there is an engagement. That's my compromise. Good luck with your first week

 

I was nervous when he first brought it up because the statistics for cohabiting couples, on their face, aren't good. But when you get into details the pictures changes dramatically. Couples that move in together with no plans for marriage do indeed have a high rate of separation. However, couples who move in with a defined timeline for engagement and/or marriage actually fare as well as or better than couples that don't cohabit at all. The odds get even better when both partners have bachelors' degrees and make similar incomes. So I'm not worried. He already told me he plans to put his latest bonus into the ring fund.

 

I don't think it'll be all that different. I was already spending most of my time over here anyway, and I'm glad I did. If I hadn't spent so much time with him I never would have learned about his apparently life-threatening laundry hamper allergy.

[venusishername]

I agree if moving forward, moving in, getting engaged, having a baby, any joint venture... it's best to be as well-informed as possible.

 

 

I also have a large debt due to student loans, one that you said would require a 'second job', but I don't think that's true. It's all relative. If you pay off your debt, that's what counts, no matter how large it is.

Also, the cost of living is double where I live compared to where he lives. So I have to take that into consideration too.

 

 

I'm not planning to move in with him anytime in the near future, but he has reiterated the offer. I think he seems just anxious to be with me. And we have been looking at flights together for next month. He has offered to pay for my ticket as soon as he can, or I offered to split the cost of the plane fare and we (I) could cook at his home most of the time. I certainly don't have the money to fork over a couple hundred dollar plane trip when I just got back three weeks ago. That's absolutely ridiculous. Plus, I have a wedding in Mexico to plan for in 4 months that he invited me to.

 

So- I decided to just chill out. I just went there, I paid for my plane fare this last time, but he hosted me and paid for everything when I was there. I don't have $500 extra dollars laying around to spend on another trip to New Orleans next month.

So, if he wants to pay for my ticket, or make plans for us to be together again, I trust that he will. I personally think we should try and be more patient, considering money is a factor and neither one of us can afford to spend all this money every 6 weeks. It would be great if we could, but we can't. It's just not practical. So I'm willing to not make any more rash decisions, if we are going to dedicate the time to this, we have to cooperate together. That may mean 8 weeks apart instead of the standard 6 as it has been since October.

I'm not sure if he's willing to wait, that's the thing. He seems really focused on being with me. For that reason, I can relax a little.

 

The separation is hard... but sometimes it feels easier because now I know how serious he is about moving this forward. It has solidified much more than before.

[Eighty_nine]

I agree if moving forward, moving in, getting engaged, having a baby, any joint venture... it's best to be as well-informed as possible.

 

 

I also have a large debt due to student loans, one that you said would require a 'second job', but I don't think that's true. It's all relative. If you pay off your debt, that's what counts, no matter how large it is.

Also, the cost of living is double where I live compared to where he lives. So I have to take that into consideration too.

 

 

I'm not planning to move in with him anytime in the near future, but he has reiterated the offer. I think he seems just anxious to be with me. And we have been looking at flights together for next month. He has offered to pay for my ticket as soon as he can, or I offered to split the cost of the plane fare and we (I) could cook at his home most of the time. I certainly don't have the money to fork over a couple hundred dollar plane trip when I just got back three weeks ago. That's absolutely ridiculous. Plus, I have a wedding in Mexico to plan for in 4 months that he invited me to.

 

So- I decided to just chill out. I just went there, I paid for my plane fare this last time, but he hosted me and paid for everything when I was there. I don't have $500 extra dollars laying around to spend on another trip to New Orleans next month.

So, if he wants to pay for my ticket, or make plans for us to be together again, I trust that he will. I personally think we should try and be more patient, considering money is a factor and neither one of us can afford to spend all this money every 6 weeks. It would be great if we could, but we can't. It's just not practical. So I'm willing to not make any more rash decisions, if we are going to dedicate the time to this, we have to cooperate together. That may mean 8 weeks apart instead of the standard 6 as it has been since October.

I'm not sure if he's willing to wait, that's the thing. He seems really focused on being with me. For that reason, I can relax a little.

 

The separation is hard... but sometimes it feels easier because now I know how serious he is about moving this forward. It has solidified much more than before.

 

I think you should wait longer than 6 weeks too. It's just not practical to travel across the country that often, and so you should get in a rhythm of doing it less frequently, in a way that you can maintain.

 

What about meeting in a city in the middle sometime? Santa Fe? Then it would be a new place for you both to explore.

[venusishername]

I think you should wait longer than 6 weeks too. It's just not practical to travel across the country that often, and so you should get in a rhythm of doing it less frequently, in a way that you can maintain.

 

What about meeting in a city in the middle sometime? Santa Fe? Then it would be a new place for you both to explore.

 

Well, this time it will be 2 months between visits. We booked my flight to New Orleans the other day. I found a great deal and he said go ahead and book it now if you can, you'll be getting money from me within a few days. I fronted the cost but he's paying for my flight this time, most all of it.

You ask why we don't meet in the middle? Because... New Orleans and where I live are pretty awesome. Plus we have family and friends in both places too, and free places to stay. And... I love New Orleans, and I like being at his house. We have talked about other places in the future.

 

I don't expect this traveling back and forth to continue on for much longer, so I'm not really too concerned with making it a point to 'plan' for future visits. Maybe that sounds silly, but I don't see that it will be something to worry about.

 

 

He has offered me to live with him there. I think he's started to realize that he really doesn't want the distance anymore. I think at first he thought it was romantic, but now I feel like he is pained by it. Just last weekend I was physically sick because I missed him so much, and didn't know when we could be together again.

I remember not long ago I used to wonder if all he wanted was this fantasy of a long distance relationship, keeping me at an arm's length. I turned out to be wrong.

 

I keep thinking about his offer; it's been weighing on me. First of all, I think it's a huge deal for your boyfriend to ask you to move in together, mind you this hasn't happened to me for a long time. I seriously thought I'd be on my own forever... so I really set myself up with my own home, furnishings, my own independence. And I worked hard for it, and I have a nice comfortable life.

He's been talking about wanting to offer me what he has, how he wants me fully as part of his life, he is ready for that kind of love, how his unruly daughter is going to be living with him this semester and he needs a good role model for her, he needs help with that, now that I told him about my ex being in the picture, for some reason he's really worried he will try to bother me or get me back, so he has to keep on his toes to make sure no one steals me away from him, he wants to protect me, help me, etc.

 

 

I asked him last night why he asked me to move in with him. I am looking for whether he wants me to for the right reasons. Yes, he's lonely, yes, he wants to have sex with me whenever he wants, yes, he wants me to cook and play house with him. (he didn't say those things, I am). He says he wants to share his life with me and offer me everything he can. He also misses me and figures this is a way we can solve this problem of distance.

 

 

Ok- I sure do see his points. But I don't think those are good enough reasons FOR ME to move away from my home, job, family, friends, security and independence. And you know what, the more I think about it, the more I am sure that I won't budge. I told him after asking him why he asked me to move in, that the last time it didn't work out for me living with someone, I told myself that the next time I would ever live with a man is if I was marrying him. And, although I appreciate his offer, I still feel that way and won't change my mind.

It is tempting to think I could be with him every day, but I'm not willing to give up what I have for anything less than a full commitment. I won't do it again. I wouldn't even do it for a 'promise' to marry. I did that before and we never got married, because he was complacent, got sex and all the other benefits of a real commitment without one. **** that. I guess it works out for a lot of people, but it doesn't work out for me, so I'm not doing it again.

 

 

I keep worrying about the financial factor too. I have already realized that this WILL be a concern if I stay with this man. I'm not well off by any means, and I have a large student debt that I pay off every single month. My credit is good, but I spend money on plane tickets and drain my savings too. I guess he's just the same. His sporadic employment is a big concern. I understand that when things are good, things are stable and he has a steady flow of income and actually he has good benefits and pensions coming to him too. But if I were to ever consider living with and marrying someone, he absolutely MUST go to work every single day during normal working hours. Call me old fashioned, but there's something to be said about consistency and stability in schedule. He hasn't had that recently. I realize that he normally does, but things are tough lately. I wonder then... would that always be the case with him? I would predict that sometimes times would be tough in the future. It wouldn't be stable.

 

 

I wonder if that's something I'm willing to compromise on, just like I had to think about the moving in before engagement/marriage offer.

[lana-banana]

Well, this time it will be 2 months between visits. We booked my flight to New Orleans the other day. I found a great deal and he said go ahead and book it now if you can, you'll be getting money from me within a few days. I fronted the cost but he's paying for my flight this time, most all of it.

 

Did you ever find out if he'd finished paying off his credit cards completely from last time?

 

You ask why we don't meet in the middle? Because... New Orleans and where I live are pretty awesome. Plus we have family and friends in both places too, and free places to stay. And... I love New Orleans, and I like being at his house. We have talked about other places in the future.

 

I don't expect this traveling back and forth to continue on for much longer, so I'm not really too concerned with making it a point to 'plan' for future visits. Maybe that sounds silly, but I don't see that it will be something to worry about.

 

Are you suggesting you're going to be engaged in the near future, so this won't be an issue? He's told you he isn't ready for that step yet and wants to live together first. I think you may be jumping the gun. It may still be several months before you're ready to even have those discussions.

 

He has offered me to live with him there. I think he's started to realize that he really doesn't want the distance anymore. I think at first he thought it was romantic, but now I feel like he is pained by it. Just last weekend I was physically sick because I missed him so much, and didn't know when we could be together again.

I remember not long ago I used to wonder if all he wanted was this fantasy of a long distance relationship, keeping me at an arm's length. I turned out to be wrong.

 

I keep thinking about his offer; it's been weighing on me. First of all, I think it's a huge deal for your boyfriend to ask you to move in together, mind you this hasn't happened to me for a long time. I seriously thought I'd be on my own forever... so I really set myself up with my own home, furnishings, my own independence. And I worked hard for it, and I have a nice comfortable life.

He's been talking about wanting to offer me what he has, how he wants me fully as part of his life, he is ready for that kind of love, how his unruly daughter is going to be living with him this semester and he needs a good role model for her, he needs help with that, now that I told him about my ex being in the picture, for some reason he's really worried he will try to bother me or get me back

 

I don't think the points in bold are particularly good reasons to move in with someone. He seems too caught up on your ex. Do you feel comfortable beginning your life with him while struggling financially and adapting to the presence of his rebellious adult daughter?

 

I asked him last night why he asked me to move in with him. I am looking for whether he wants me to for the right reasons. Yes, he's lonely, yes, he wants to have sex with me whenever he wants, yes, he wants me to cook and play house with him. (he didn't say those things, I am). He says he wants to share his life with me and offer me everything he can. He also misses me and figures this is a way we can solve this problem of distance.

 

This is one of those cases where what someone says is just as important as what they don't say. He's not saying he's ready to be engaged or marry you. (Frankly, I don't see how he could be at this point, but still.) Are you comfortable with that?

 

Ok- I sure do see his points. But I don't think those are good enough reasons FOR ME to move away from my home, job, family, friends, security and independence. And you know what, the more I think about it, the more I am sure that I won't budge. I told him after asking him why he asked me to move in, that the last time it didn't work out for me living with someone, I told myself that the next time I would ever live with a man is if I was marrying him. And, although I appreciate his offer, I still feel that way and won't change my mind.

It is tempting to think I could be with him every day, but I'm not willing to give up what I have for anything less than a full commitment. I won't do it again. I wouldn't even do it for a 'promise' to marry. I did that before and we never got married, because he was complacent, got sex and all the other benefits of a real commitment without one. **** that. I guess it works out for a lot of people, but it doesn't work out for me, so I'm not doing it again. [/quote

 

I completely understand this. I see where you're coming from, and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. But this guy isn't promising you "a full commitment" and hasn't shown himself to be prepared for it anytime soon. Could he even afford it? Even if he were ready, and he's clearly not, he would still have many months of saving ahead. I know where your boundaries are and I fully respect them, but I don't think a ring by October is necessarily a realistic goal.

 

I keep worrying about the financial factor too. I have already realized that this WILL be a concern if I stay with this man. I'm not well off by any means, and I have a large student debt that I pay off every single month. My credit is good, but I spend money on plane tickets and drain my savings too. I guess he's just the same. His sporadic employment is a big concern. I understand that when things are good, things are stable and he has a steady flow of income and actually he has good benefits and pensions coming to him too. But if I were to ever consider living with and marrying someone, he absolutely MUST go to work every single day during normal working hours. Call me old fashioned, but there's something to be said about consistency and stability in schedule. He hasn't had that recently. I realize that he normally does, but things are tough lately. I wonder then... would that always be the case with him? I would predict that sometimes times would be tough in the future. It wouldn't be stable.

 

This is why I said specifics matter. I don't think student debt like yours is problematic: if you're paying it off every month, the interest is reasonable and you're living within your means, there's no need to ask about the details. But this guy is not living within his means and does evidently have financial problems substantial enough to where he's maxing out credit cards. If he had a nice nest egg to fall back on, his inconsistent income might not be such an issue. But he doesn't have savings and he continues to spend beyond what he can afford. That's a problem.

 

Until you know the extent of this guy's debts there's no way to know exactly just how much you'd to sacrifice for a life together. Beyond that, you have to determine what standard of living you're willing to accept. I'm pretty low-maintenance and I don't mind living on a tight budget, but I like being able to go out to eat sometimes, take an annual luxury vacation, and drop a couple hundred dollars on a bottle of wine every now and again. I work with my financial advisor to make sure my income and spending stays in line with my goals. If you don't have a financial advisor the two of you could at least meet with someone from your bank/credit union to determine the best way forward.

 

I wonder if that's something I'm willing to compromise on, just like I had to think about the moving in before engagement/marriage offer.

 

It might be, it might not. What matters is you make your own decision and feel good about it. You've shown a good sense of intuition so far and I admire your ability to stand by your guns. You've been so mature about this whole thing, which makes me really hopeful for your future with him. You just may need to compromise or discuss things more before things proceed the way you're hoping.

[venusishername]

Did you ever find out if he'd finished paying off his credit cards completely from last time?

No, and I don't believe that is any of my business. The same would apply to if he were to ask ME if I paid off my credit cards.

 

 

Are you suggesting you're going to be engaged in the near future, so this won't be an issue? He's told you he isn't ready for that step yet and wants to live together first. I think you may be jumping the gun. It may still be several months before you're ready to even have those discussions.

I think it is a possibility. He knows how firm I am about it, and I'm not sure he's as unwilling to compromise as I am. You are right, neither one of us is at a point that we are ready for that step. But he is ready to live together, because he offered it. In my mind, that's a step in the right direction. It shows that he is interested in moving things to the next level. We still need to get to know each other more. This can only be a matter of time, nothing else. Time has to pass to get to that point.

 

 

I don't think the points in bold are particularly good reasons to move in with someone. He seems too caught up on your ex. Do you feel comfortable beginning your life with him while struggling financially and adapting to the presence of his rebellious adult daughter?

I don't think he seems too caught up in my ex at all. I think maybe it prompted him to get to another level with me though. It just appears that he is feeling protective and feels that he doesn't want to lose me.

The kids don't bother me at all. It's a package deal, and I have no problem if that comes with the territory. Struggling financially? That's the real issue. But I'm not even in a position with him yet that it is a real concern, because I'm not living with him, engaged to him, married to him, etc.

 

 

This is one of those cases where what someone says is just as important as what they don't say. He's not saying he's ready to be engaged or marry you. (Frankly, I don't see how he could be at this point, but still.) Are you comfortable with that?.

Yes, I am comfortable with that. I am also not ready to be engaged or marry him either. I think we are still at a point where we need to spend more time in order to get to that level.

 

 

 

I completely understand this. I see where you're coming from, and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. But this guy isn't promising you "a full commitment" and hasn't shown himself to be prepared for it anytime soon. Could he even afford it? Even if he were ready, and he's clearly not, he would still have many months of saving ahead. I know where your boundaries are and I fully respect them, but I don't think a ring by October is necessarily a realistic goal.

Honestly, Lana, I'm not sure finances have much to do with whether you are ready to or want to marry someone. I'm sure that if he really wanted to, he would make it happen. I wouldn't get the $10k ring I've been drooling over, but geez, at this point, for love I would accept a simple band. Money doesn't matter in these things.

He is NOT offering me a full commitment. However, he has been moving things along at a steady and progressive pace. We will see what happens. Again, it takes time. I wouldn't agree to marry him right this minute. Not without getting to know him more first. We have to spend the time to do that.

 

But this guy is not living within his means and does evidently have financial problems substantial enough to where he's maxing out credit cards. If he had a nice nest egg to fall back on, his inconsistent income might not be such an issue. But he doesn't have savings and he continues to spend beyond what he can afford. That's a problem..

But I really don't KNOW that. I don't know all the details. It seems to me that he has some struggles sometimes, but he's keeping it all together and paying his debts off like a responsible person would. I think that sometimes he does not live within his means, but hell, I don't either sometimes.

 

 

It might be, it might not. What matters is you make your own decision and feel good about it. You've shown a good sense of intuition so far and I admire your ability to stand by your guns. You've been so mature about this whole thing, which makes me really hopeful for your future with him. You just may need to compromise or discuss things more before things proceed the way you're hoping.

 

 

Thank you. I agree, need more discussions. And time.

[lana-banana]

No, and I don't believe that is any of my business. The same would apply to if he were to ask ME if I paid off my credit cards.

 

If you guys are already pooling money for trips and splitting major purchases like hotels and airfare, it is kind of your business because it could help you determine who's in the best place to pay a certain charge. I do think that kind of stuff is nobody's business when both partners have proven themselves responsible, but this is something I'd ask about. I freely concede that's a matter of opinion.

 

Honestly, Lana, I'm not sure finances have much to do with whether you are ready to or want to marry someone. I'm sure that if he really wanted to, he would make it happen. I wouldn't get the $10k ring I've been drooling over, but geez, at this point, for love I would accept a simple band. Money doesn't matter in these things.

 

You're absolutely right that finances have nothing to do with wanting to marry someone. But I do think that it's normal to want to be in a stable if not comfortable place before putting a ring on it! My boyfriend and I are emotionally ready to get married, but we're both seeking out new careers and want to be more established beforehand. Engagement is such an enormous life change; it makes sense to minimize other potential stressors as much as possible. We were actually talking about getting engaged in March, but decided to wait a few more months. (He's also hinted repeatedly that it will happen during our September vacation, but knowing him, that's probably misdirection!)

 

I think in your case it may be less likely to be about finances than it is about basic practicalities since you won't be living together. And I really don't think any of this is a concern. All the couples I know have had some gap between "we want to get married" and "okay, we're engaged". Like you've said you aren't at that point yet. And he's been progressing things at a very rapid pace. I would just have faith that things are moving along and not worry too much about exactly when the next steps take place. I am certain that if you guys continue to get along and support each other, you really will end up married; I just don't think it may be as soon as October.

 

But I really don't KNOW that. I don't know all the details. It seems to me that he has some struggles sometimes, but he's keeping it all together and paying his debts off like a responsible person would. I think that sometimes he does not live within his means, but hell, I don't either sometimes.

 

Is he? You just said that you don't know the details. I honestly think a 42-year-old with bad credit, who maxes out his credit cards and whose cards are declined is either irresponsible or in dire straits.

 

I know a lot of this is just a matter of differing personal philosophies, and I'm going to drop it after this post unless you bring it up again. I'm not trying to be a jerk. But you keep swinging back and forth between fretting over his red flags to trusting him completely, and I don't see how you can be secure until you know what you're dealing with.

 

I'll repeat what you already know: things will take time. Let it all unfold at its own pace. He's given you absolutely no reason to doubt him and you shouldn't start now!

[venusishername]

I know a lot of this is just a matter of differing personal philosophies, and I'm going to drop it after this post unless you bring it up again. I'm not trying to be a jerk. But you keep swinging back and forth between fretting over his red flags to trusting him completely, and I don't see how you can be secure until you know what you're dealing with.

I'll repeat what you already know: things will take time. Let it all unfold at its own pace. He's given you absolutely no reason to doubt him and you shouldn't start now!

Thanks, Lana.

Well, I didn't want to harp on it but I can't help it, it's been on my mind. The good news is that I can freely talk to him about it, and he is open and honest and doesn't freak out or get upset that I express concerns over these kinds of things. I guess it's a combination of the way I express it and his personality. He doesn't get butt hurt like most men I've known. He can take the heat, I've learned this about him. That shows maturity, what a concept.

I told him since he has presented the offer to me to live together that I can't help but think about the long term as far as what will it be like if we did live together, the finances, the stability, etc.

I'll be very honest. From what I have gathered, the man has debt (as do most of us, including me), and when money is good, it's pretty good, but then times get tight, it's real hard. It won't be stable. He claims (and I believe him) that this is an unusually slow time for him and he's very frustrated about it, but he keeps trying and stays positive, and he has found ways to make ends meet and take care of things the best he can in the meantime. He works for the union, so it's about when the jobs are available and he gets chosen for those jobs. But in the interim, he pulls it together. Things are tight, but he's resourceful. That may mean renting out a spare room in his house, or doing side contracting work. I mean, he does what he has to do. He's not lazy, which would be my deal breaker. It DOES concern me that he hasn't had a regular schedule or income for the past couple months. When I go to work every day, 8:30-5, regular schedule, I wish that he could be the same. But he's not. I think that is where the divide is, and may continue to be. It may go up and down. But if we stay together, the financial struggle or instability, rather, is going to create stress between us, or for me at least.

 

 

I need to think about what is really important to me. I do want someone who gets up early and goes to work every day, who keeps a regular schedule and is productive and dependable with a regular paycheck working regular hours. He is a hard working man. So I don't doubt that he would do what he has to do. It just doesn't seem like it's gonna be too easy.

 

So- when I think about all that.... I ask myself if love can conquer all. I would be hard pressed to find a man who fulfills every aspect of what I require. I haven't found him yet. I might die alone if I turned away a man who clearly adores me and treats me like gold just because he didn't have much money and has occasional job instability and has some debt.

I think about any other man I know who has a good job, makes good money, drives a really nice car and has lots of dispensable income... but none are as kind and loving and humble as he is. He has far more positive qualities that outweigh this negative. I am torn, though... because I just can't help that it concerns me. I told him now that he mentioned living together and now that things are more serious....I couldn't help but be concerned about these things. He told me to not worry about him, he is taking care of what he needs to, this is a hard time, things will get better, he is motivated and does not want me to worry about his situation because he's taking care of it. And I told myself today I'm not going to bring it up anymore. I voiced my concern, he is aware I am concerned, and he is telling me that everything will be ok. Alright. Well, I'm just going to have to put my trust into this.

 

 

On another note...

we talked earlier tonight and what he said brought me to tears. This is why I want to give this my best effort and have faith. He is really a wonderful man. He is so sincere, and so loving. And he truly does appreciate me for who I am. I can't think of any other man I've been with, in a long term relationship or just dated, who sees and appreciates me as the best version of myself. He also sees my faults, but he thinks that in spite of those faults, I am so special and strong. And that's what he wants, a strong, sweet, loving and independent woman, and that's what I am in his eyes. He says although I get uptight and Type-A sometimes, and I'm very honest and there's no BS with me, and I don't take any either... but I come across in a respectful way. I'm glad that he appreciates that in me... sometimes it takes someone else to bring it out of yourself.

He said what I've been thinking all along- "I don't know how we've made it this long.. I guess in spite of the distance, we've had more connection than we could find with anyone else in our own town, and well, I guess I just continued to pursue you, so... here we are... almost 6 months later! :lmao:"

It was almost effortless, actually.

 

 

I think since I met him I've felt the most mature, most confident, most strong and most independent, the best of who I am. He is a very positive influence in my life. And I know that I am for him too. We motivate each other, we call each other out, (he really put me in my place recently and I respect him so much more because of that), we can talk about anything, fears, hopes, past traumas, feelings, we laugh, we have incredible chemistry and connection, we have become best friends... I mean... everything is there. Everything good is there. He is there when I need him and I know he would always have my back. He is protective and caring, he would bring me breakfast in bed and if my food was cold at a restaurant, he would walk up and ask politely for them to please re-make my food, if I wanted oysters, he would go get me some oysters. If I wanted flowers, he would pick me some flowers. He built a firepit in his yard with seats around it. I am a musician, so he said when I come there I can have a space to play music around the fire. He is trying to make his house comfortable for me to want to be there. My wish is his command. He wouldn't abandon me. He would always be there and would always defend my honor. He got so upset and protective about my ex situation. I didn't know but one person during that time in my life when I needed a 'hero', but had I known him then, he would've been my hero. I can't really express how important this is to me. He would be my hero now. I mean, he already is. He is a true gentleman. I found there are so few left...... I always wanted to end up with one.

 

He asked me tonight if I would agree to live together if he proposed. And how long would I be ok with being engaged?

 

Guys... I think it is very possible that he will propose. It's already in his mind. I can't say when. But I think if he does it will be a surprise. I laid down my rules and I won't budge on them either, even still he keeps offering, hoping I'll cave. I told him, "I don't believe you should live together if you aren't sure you want to marry that person. That's just my opinion, it is not an ultimatum or demand." He says that I have a good point. !

 

One month from today, we are both counting down the days. I am excited and nervous to go back to New Orleans. I think this time will be much different, as I'll be looking around at everything in that city, and his house, thinking what it would be like if I were to live there with him.

[introverted1]

Venus, I would normally agree that it's premature to worry too much about his finances, debt, etc. But two things make me think that you might want to probe a little deeper. The first is that you're considering marrying this guy. And the second, and by far more important, is that you're considering having kids with him.

 

It's one thing to max out credit cards when it's just the two of you, but how will that play out when there's a baby (or two) in the mix? How will you pay for day care, clothes, emergencies, braces, summer camp, private school, college, etc.? What happens if, god forbid, you have a child with special needs that either prevent one of you from working or requires significant (and expensive) medical care?

 

Talking about finances is not romantic, but something you should really have a good handle on before you move in together, imo.

[venusishername]

Well, yes I think I need to start kind of thinking about it. I mean, the long distance is hard enough, add the financial worry on top of it. It sucks. He appears to have very little to offer me in that regard. I am so torn about this. I don't want to be struggling or stressing about money for the rest of my life. I thought a partnership/marriage was supposed to IMPROVE your financial situation.

It freaked me out to think about moving in with him, finding a job out there, giving up all my independence, putting my stuff in storage, and going out there totally out of my element. Then I started thinking about what he would be doing. Would he be sitting around home all day like my ex ended up doing, drinking? Then he'd be up super late, still sleeping while I went to work every day. I REALLY don't see this guy doing that, in fact, I know he wouldn't... but lately he's not keeping a regular schedule. This bothers me. He wakes up early and is productive, but he's usually up or out late, not all the time but frequently. I think he's one of those people who really doesn't need that much sleep, to be honest. I'm trying not to make comparisons to my ex who was an arrogant loser and alcoholic. My guy is very humble, productive and motivated, and hardly ever drinks.

The lack of stability worries me greatly. I just can't help it. If we weren't discussing living together, marriage, and children, I wouldn't be as concerned.

I wonder if I need to find out more, or give more time, or explain my concerns further... maybe I really don't have all the information.

If I were to marry him, and/or have a child/children... my life would never be plush and comfy. I don't make enough to have that on my own, really.

I see many of my friends live in these comfortable homes, they have nice cars, and they have nice diamond rings and go out often. They don't have to work because they're too busy having babies and their husbands make good money and have stable jobs. The more I see it, the less it appeals to me actually. Sure, I want nice things too, and not to worry so much about money, but the thought of being a housewife... all they talk about is babies, their baby, their friends' baby... they lose their independence.. and geez... I really don't think I could do it.

So maybe this should be less of a worry for me because I have been financially independent since I was 18 years old. I never had a man or anyone else supporting me since I was a child. I dunno.. I think I value my independence more than most women I've known, at my age. If I stay with him, and things progress... I would be able to take care of myself. Sure, he may have some financial issues.. but as long as I kept my independence financially, I would be ok.

I mentioned this earlier.. but my biggest concern is not that he doesn't make a lot of money. My concern is if he's going to pull his own weight. I don't ever want to be in a situation with someone again that I am pulling the financial burden. My ex started asking me for loans towards the end of our relationship. I became repulsed by him. I don't want to ever feel that way again... it was so terrible.

[GildedLily]

Well, yes I think I need to start kind of thinking about it. I mean, the long distance is hard enough, add the financial worry on top of it. It sucks. He appears to have very little to offer me in that regard. I am so torn about this. I don't want to be struggling or stressing about money for the rest of my life. I thought a partnership/marriage was supposed to IMPROVE your financial situation.

It freaked me out to think about moving in with him, finding a job out there, giving up all my independence, putting my stuff in storage, and going out there totally out of my element. Then I started thinking about what he would be doing. Would he be sitting around home all day like my ex ended up doing, drinking? Then he'd be up super late, still sleeping while I went to work every day. I REALLY don't see this guy doing that, in fact, I know he wouldn't... but lately he's not keeping a regular schedule. This bothers me. He wakes up early and is productive, but he's usually up or out late, not all the time but frequently. I think he's one of those people who really doesn't need that much sleep, to be honest. I'm trying not to make comparisons to my ex who was an arrogant loser and alcoholic. My guy is very humble, productive and motivated, and hardly ever drinks.

The lack of stability worries me greatly. I just can't help it. If we weren't discussing living together, marriage, and children, I wouldn't be as concerned.

I wonder if I need to find out more, or give more time, or explain my concerns further... maybe I really don't have all the information.

If I were to marry him, and/or have a child/children... my life would never be plush and comfy. I don't make enough to have that on my own, really.

I see many of my friends live in these comfortable homes, they have nice cars, and they have nice diamond rings and go out often. They don't have to work because they're too busy having babies and their husbands make good money and have stable jobs. The more I see it, the less it appeals to me actually. Sure, I want nice things too, and not to worry so much about money, but the thought of being a housewife... all they talk about is babies, their baby, their friends' baby... they lose their independence.. and geez... I really don't think I could do it.

So maybe this should be less of a worry for me because I have been financially independent since I was 18 years old. I never had a man or anyone else supporting me since I was a child. I dunno.. I think I value my independence more than most women I've known, at my age. If I stay with him, and things progress... I would be able to take care of myself. Sure, he may have some financial issues.. but as long as I kept my independence financially, I would be ok.

I mentioned this earlier.. but my biggest concern is not that he doesn't make a lot of money. My concern is if he's going to pull his own weight. I don't ever want to be in a situation with someone again that I am pulling the financial burden. My ex started asking me for loans towards the end of our relationship. I became repulsed by him. I don't want to ever feel that way again... it was so terrible.

 

But it's not an all or nothing sorta deal. What I mean is; you could be with a man, have kids and still work but together be very comfortable financially. Just because your friends opted to be full time moms doesn't mean that you would have to be, if he could afford it. You COULD find a man who made a consistent living, treated you very well AND could support you and a family if the day came where that was needed or wanted. Wouldn't a load just be taken off your mind to know that you were married to a partner that could take on the financial burden if something catastrophic happened ? ( someone mentioned a special needs child).

I really don't like the fact that there's a perception that full time moms give up their independence, how? Financially they have should have access to the joint bank account. They are equally contributing members to the household; it's a partnership and you can bet that a GOOD man will love and appreciate their contribution.

The more I read of your story, the more I think you are trying to paint things with a broad brush, ie; you could be with a successful man but not be treated well and be in a passion-less marriage or be with this man, who is everything you want but not financially sound. That's a scarcity mentality; the world is full of people you could be with that will offer you what you want, which in my opinion; isn't asking for too much.

[introverted1]

But it's not an all or nothing sorta deal. What I mean is; you could be with a man, have kids and still work but together be very comfortable financially. Just because your friends opted to be full time moms doesn't mean that you would have to be, if he could afford it. You COULD find a man who made a consistent living, treated you very well AND could support you and a family if the day came where that was needed or wanted.

 

I very much agree with this, and would caution you against black/white thinking. I am in no way suggesting that your guy is a deadbeat or lazy or any of the things you've said about your ex.

 

I *am* saying that finances are important and that it's not necessarily a choice between pampered housewife and living on the edge. There's a middle ground, as GL alludes to.

 

FTR, I am not someone who thinks you have to be rich to afford a child, or that having children equates financial ruin. But having children does up the financial ante because, well, stuff happens. And not even necessarily bad stuff like a special needs child, but just ordinary stuff -- your daughter decides she wants to join the soccer team and you need to buy cleats and shin guard and whatever. Your son needs $200 for the class trip. You get the idea.

 

Stuff is forever coming up and nothing will erode the romance of a situation faster than wondering how to pay the bills.

 

Right now, you don't really have to worry about bills. Even if you can't afford a fancy restaurant, you don't mind because you are still getting high on the sex and a night in instead of out is fun. But that changes. I'm not saying you stop having or wanting sex, but at some point you want BOTH the dinner out AND the sex. And now you have to pay a sitter to boot.

 

Just be careful, V. It sounds like you have a genuinely good guy, but you know yourself and the details of your situation better than any of us here. Try to imagine what life will be like when your #1 worry isn't when you will see him again but the more mundane day-to-day stuff that couples have to deal with.

 

xx

[venusishername]

I just need to write because I'm home tonight and my plans fell through, and now I'm feeling a little antsy.

I decided to let go of the worry about money. I realize that I'm independent, I have a good job, I can get a job anywhere and I have a good education too. So there's not a good enough reason for me to get all wrapped up in worrying about how money might be a problem between us in the future. I know that no matter what, I can take care of myself. And that's what I can always depend on. I can/will also let him know that I won't tolerate financial recklessness or irresponsibility either. He seems to be pretty open to my opinions anyway. He's a very masculine, alpha male type of guy, but in this relationship... I feel like I hold a lot of the power. So if I tell him something that I don't like, or what I want, so far he's been real quick to adapt to that and try and make me happy. He's pretty smart, he knows that if he doesn't stay on his toes, he could lose me.

 

On the other hand... I still have my moments. This is where the long distance is hard. The weekends. I mean, sometimes I go out and he's not, and vice versa. Sometimes I get insecure about other women that may be around. But at the end of the day he always contacts me and we are in touch. I just can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy when he's out with other people, including women around. I don't get to go out on dates with him, or go to bed with him like I want to. So I hate the thought of him out having fun and other women might be in the group or around, or talking to him. Because THEY get to have his presence and attention and I don't. I'm home on a Saturday night and he's out all dressed up. haven't heard from him in a few hours ..

We're both pining over each other half the time and the other half of the time we're out living our lives having a good time.

 

 

In the beginning of the relationship, I wondered if he pulled this on all the women he meets. He has no problem talking to people, I'm sure he has an easy time approaching women. Sometimes I feel insecure. Like I have these moments sometimes where I think he does this to all the women he meets. Like maybe this is his MO.

He has plenty of opportunities to hook up with other women in New Orleans. I'm his long distance girlfriend... I would never know what he does over there. Am I being stupid? There's lots of women there. There are lots of tourists, like I was.

 

Do you all think that he's really serious about this? I know, that sounds dumb when I read it back. I'm trying not to put too much weight into what my drunk stepmother said tonight about how in the beginning, he was the one coming here, now I've been going there, he's not really proving that he's really truly serious about this. I guess I kind of see her point. Like he should be coming to me, and continuing to come to me. I mean, he did send me money to pay for this flight. That says a lot, I think! Now he knows I won't move across the country without a really good offer (his commitment). Just recently he has become fully aware of what he needs to do to have me close to him. It WOULD be easier for me to move there than for him to come here. But you know what? I'm willing to risk losing this relationship before I sacrifice all I want. What I mean is, I'm not going to be a pushover and cave in because I'm afraid I'm going to lose him.

 

So- after this next visit... the ball is in his court. I'm not going there again, unless he makes another move. I have done my part. And if this is going to the next level, he's going to have to be the one to make that happen. I plan on just staying put. It's going to be hard. It's already hard. I find myself feeling jealous when I know he's around other women and I hate feeling this way

This long distance is really testing my strength. But so far, I think it's made me much more strong! My dad told me tonight I should only accept the best. That I will have to tell him that I won't tolerate financial recklessness, or any other behavior that isn't good enough for me. That I should only accept a diamond, and until he does that, then he's responsible for the next move. And if he screws up, or doesn't follow through, that's his problem, not mine.

I used to be kind of a pushover with men. This relationship has taught me that I hold a lot of power. I used to think that I'd have to settle for a meek, gentle guy who didn't have a lot of balls because I thought that's how I could find someone who actually respected me. But in this case, I've found a perfect balance. My guy is very strong, alpha, masculine, take charge... but he dotes on me and will bend over backwards to make sure I am happy. He seems to have this very strong motivation to make sure no one else steals me away from him, so he makes certain he makes his 'presence' known.

On one hand, sometimes I fear losing him to another woman because I'm so far away. He's charismatic, handsome, talks to everyone, life of the party, is very charming, funny, vibrant, and fun. But I know that it would cut him at the knees to think he could lose me. I think I've got him exactly where I want him

 

But ugh... these Saturday nights are hard sometimes. And Sunday afternoons. He's out having a great time tonight and I haven't heard from him in a couple hours. It's real late there now. Damn it! I hate this. This is when I could cave in easily and take his offer. He's offering me a way to be with him all the time. But I can't do it. I could lose him. But he could lose me too. Well, the ball is in his court. I'm not going to chase him.

[lana-banana]

I hate to admit it but I don't understand your post. How has he not proven he's serious? What do you think refusing to visit him in New Orleans (which is cheaper, a major incentive for you both) or another less expensive midpoint will accomplish? And what exactly is "the next level"?

 

Your father is right that you should set your standards and accept nothing less. I just don't see what you want this guy to do that he isn't doing already, except for paying off his credit card. I also don't see why your father, stepmother and friend have such a radically different picture of this relationship than we do. Is there something going on that they can see and we can't?

 

Unless I'm reading this wrong---and I may well be because I freely admit I don't understand---it sounds like you are saying you expect him to propose to you sometime after your next visit. You haven't even been dating six months and it's been entirely long-distance. Do you really want to be engaged so badly?

 

Also, does it *have* to be a diamond? Even with industry connections, getting a quality 1-carat diamond under 3500 is tough. It could be very costly and time-consuming for him to save up the cash. With so much of your problems revolving around finances, do you really want to begin your journey together in even more debt?

[venusishername]

I hate to admit it but I don't understand your post. How has he not proven he's serious? What do you think refusing to visit him in New Orleans (which is cheaper, a major incentive for you both) or another less expensive midpoint will accomplish? And what exactly is "the next level"?

I know my last post was kind of out of left field. I'm not sure how he hasn't proven himself serious. I think I'm looking for a very CLEAR sign that this is progressing. I think it is, but for the time being all it is back and forth visits. In response to your question in bold... if I am understanding you correctly: refusing to VISIT him in NO? I think what I meant was that I'll be going there twice in a row now. I think that the next time we get together should be an alternate location or he should come here. Rather than me taking time off, flying, etc. "Next level" means putting a ring on it, Lana !

 

Your father is right that you should set your standards and accept nothing less. I just don't see what you want this guy to do that he isn't doing already, except for paying off his credit card. I also don't see why your father, stepmother and friend have such a radically different picture of this relationship than we do. Is there something going on that they can see and we can't?

No, I think my dad and stepmom are just looking out for my best interest. So far they see a guy that's head over heels and is pursuing me, but until he proposes, they have their reservations, as they should. I feel the same way. As far as my girlfriend who said about a month ago that she thinks this is just a fling... our friendship has been totally strained since then. We still talk, but it's been like pulling teeth to hang out with her. So, I decided I'm done trying. I don't do one-sided relationships with negative people. I don't know why she said that. You all know much more about my relationship than she does... so her opinion doesn't hold much weight. It hurts though. I was thinking of starting another thread in the friendship section. I've had to reevaluate some friendships lately.

 

Unless I'm reading this wrong---and I may well be because I freely admit I don't understand---it sounds like you are saying you expect him to propose to you sometime after your next visit. You haven't even been dating six months and it's been entirely long-distance. Do you really want to be engaged so badly?

Yes I do. I'm ready to be off the market!

No, but in all honesty...

I think the fact that it has been long distance has in a way sped things up in a way that it would not be if we were living close together. What I mean is, because we are apart, we have more motivation to close the distance and progress the relationship. There's a very strong sense of LONGING that we have compared to people who have a relationship in their own city. You get the instant gratification. We don't. And we miss each other; our whole goal is to be together again, and plan how that's going to happen. I don't EXPECT him to propose after my next visit. But judging by the way things have been going, I don't think it would be so far-fetched!! It took him less than 6 months to TALK about engagement, marriage, children. That's sooner than any other relationship I've had before. So, I would say things with him have occurred a lot sooner in general. Some people don't need as long as others to get to an engagement. Some take years. Some take months. I don't think just because we have only been dating less than 6 months that is too soon at all.

And yes. I want to get married and start a family in the next couple years. Engagement is the first step in that direction. That's why I won't move in with him without a ring and a wedding date. If I moved in without that, I have no idea how long it would be, or if it would happen at all. I (personally) am not willing to take that risk.

 

Also, does it *have* to be a diamond? Even with industry connections, getting a quality 1-carat diamond under 3500 is tough. It could be very costly and time-consuming for him to save up the cash. With so much of your problems revolving around finances, do you really want to begin your journey together in even more debt?

No- I'm open to another gem, but my personal preference is a diamond. Two of my girlfriends have gorgeous emerald engagement rings. I'm pretty familiar with jewelry and the cost. If he's really serious about it, I think he'll figure it out. Time will tell.

[Eighty_nine]

How's it going, Venus?

[venusishername]

How's it going, Venus?

Thanks for asking. I've had a lot on my mind lately. Starting to get cold feet again, just like the last times it's coming up soon to see him.

I'll have to write more later. We have plans to talk tonight.