When it rains it pours

March 25, 2016

I've had a lot on my mind lately.

Have you ever noticed that when you have a lot of time to think your anxiety is at its maximum? You're an overthinker, Venus. You're an anxious overthinker.

Overthinking isn't protecting you like you think it is. It's got you having one foot on the water and one safely on land. And the mindset you need to have is both feet in the water with confidence that, whatever happens, you're going to be okay. Don't create issues where they don't exist. It isn't keep you safe. It isn't helping you reach your goals - it pushes them further away. Anxiety and overthinking are not your friends.

Venus, what if you were able to get exactly what you wanted out of this relationship? (And, no, that may not look on the surface like everything that you wanted, but something deeper than that.) What if you had confidence in the future?

You can have your surface level relationship, with the strong alpha man who makes a ton of money and has his job he goes to every day, and you can still be unhappy. What matters, beyond a baseline of security, is how he treats you. So far, this guy treats you like gold. And, surprise - he's not perfect. No one is.

The two of you have a connection that is hard to come by. You can look at one another and speak with one another and you feel known. That's a very rare find. You live in different places. You both have your own personal struggles. And now you're in the period of having times of communication and connection, interspersed with being alone and battling your own demons.

Have you ever thought about seeking something out like meditation? As an anxious over-thinker, it's a godsend. We have a buddhist community center here that offers classes, and taking one was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. A quiet mind is a relief. And if you're Type A like me, you'll struggle with getting your brain quiet enough to actually meditate. That's why it's a perfect thing for those of us who need to tell our brains "enough already!"

No, I think my dad and stepmom are just looking out for my best interest. So far they see a guy that's head over heels and is pursuing me, but until he proposes, they have their reservations, as they should. I feel the same way.

Okay. And, maybe you're going to hate me for saying this, Venus, but I really hope their mindset (and yours) isn't one based in entitlement. Yes, you have a great deal to offer, but you also have goals for your life. One of those is to be a mother.

So, while, yes, he does have to show you he's worthy of you on a basic level, you should not be approaching this from a place of entitlement. An entitled woman loses the feminine/masculine balance that is so important in a relationship. You should hold a sense of self-worth, know yourself enough to have some reasonable boundaries about what you will and won't tolerate, and receive graciously.

You should not, as your family is encouraging, have a "it's not real until a ring is on my finger" mentality.

That would be incredibly insulting to this man. He appears to be a good man who has shown that he is committed to you and willing to meet you halfway (emotionally) in order for this to work. He also isn't afraid to check you when you get anxious, and I think that's a fantastic quality for a partner for you to have. Allowing you to dwell in your overthinking anxiety is a recipe for disaster for any intimate relationships to last; you'll become resentful and look to him as a weak leader.

I have seen a pattern with you where it's very black and white: you either fear that something is wrong with you and you'll be alone forever, or you feel like god's gift to men. There seems to be no grey area in there, and you have to be in the grey area to get the relationship that you want.

Entitlement is not the answer. Your father and stepmom need to be checked with a "Well, what do you want us to do? We want to know one another well before we make a huge commitment like that. And we can't know one another well without sticking together for some time and being committed to one another. So we're in that time, where things look promising, and we have to keep learning about one another. So telling me it's not real until a ring is on my finger is, frankly, confusing. What if I already had one on my finger? You'd think that we were reckless and absurd. We can't win with your mindset, so, please, stop."

Also, do be careful about things like him wanting you to live with him to be a good role model for a dysfunctional daughter. That sounds like he wants a female to help around the house and do the parenting. Stepparenting is a two way street; you cannot be a good role model if someone is uninterested in viewing you in that role in her life. And if she's already got some issues, and you're much younger than her father, I could see her trying to challenge you every step of the way.

If he's one of these guys who thinks if he just finds a woman kind enough who will try hard enough, and if it doesn't work out it's her fault, then you need to run like the wind. All his daughter has to do is resent your presence and ice you out, and then you will fail. It's not entirely up to you, you see?

You want to be a partner, not a stand-in role model to his kids. Perhaps the latter would happen with time, and that would be fantastic. But the two of you need to focus on the partnership.

Slow and steady. I do hope you start to see the conflicting messages that people are giving you, step back, and look at the reasons the person is saying them. Yes, your Dad wants you to be happy and protected. But would he really feel optimistic if some guy who lives across the country who you've been with for 6 months puts a ring on your finger? That would make it "real?" Come on.

Your issues with your dad have played a major role in why you're in the position that you're in, because it left you looking for unsuitable men as partners. Now you've got what looks like a great one, so to let the peanut gallery of your father come in and opin about something that is truly ridiculous and for you to take that seriously would be a travesty.

March 26, 2016

I was going to write about the conversation he and I had the other night. It was a deep one. And I learned a lot about myself, and I am always learning more about him too. But then I saw Idoltree posted....

Have you ever noticed that when you have a lot of time to think your anxiety is at its maximum? You're an overthinker, Venus. You're an anxious overthinker.

I'm so glad to finally hear you chime in again!

Oh yes, absolutely I've noticed. My racing thoughts are my worst enemy. I've struggled with anxiety my entire life. I've found some great outlets though, some positive, some negative. Lately it's been yoga and working out. Sometimes in my life it's been drinking and smoking cigarettes. I'm doing a really great job shifting to the healthy outlets to relieve my anxieties. I think it will always be my crutch.

Venus, what if you were able to get exactly what you wanted out of this relationship? (And, no, that may not look on the surface like everything that you wanted, but something deeper than that.) What if you had confidence in the future?

Do you mean confidence in..... MYSELF?

Well, how would I know that I was able to get exactly what I wanted out of this relationship? I guess I just have to trust and give it time.

I think I am starting to trust in the future more. It's been a challenge. Being in this relationship has made me see that I am sometimes carrying a some baggage from my last relationship. And no, this is not on the surface everything I wanted, or even expected. Sometimes I look at him or hear things he says and think- 'Wtf? Ha, how did I end up with THIS guy? He's so goofy and strange sometimes. Plus, he lives in New Orleans. How bizarre is this? And now I might possibly have to MOVE there?! Huh?!" Seriously, I never saw this for myself. I thought I'd end up with one of the lawyers in my field. I thought I'd end up with a man in a suit.

You can have your surface level relationship, with the strong alpha man who makes a ton of money and has his job he goes to every day, and you can still be unhappy. What matters, beyond a baseline of security, is how he treats you. So far, this guy treats you like gold. And, surprise - he's not perfect. No one is.

Well, you are absolutely right. He really does treat me like gold. I guess I'm afraid someday I'll realize that I might have been settling. Like what if there's someone out there around the corner who has EVERYTHING!!? I'm beginning to realize that this probably isn't possible.

The other day I was reminded about a guy I dated a couple years ago. He was a total gentleman, very kind, very smart, we had a great mental chemistry and could talk for hours. Smart as a whip and had a successful career as a defense attorney and drove a brand new luxury car and had nice suits and took lots of vacations and had plenty of money to spend... and he spent a lot wining and dining me. I loved his personality and he did have a lot to offer. But- although I WAS attracted to him mentally, I was not attracted to him physically or emotionally. He was also a slob and drank too much and wasn't health conscious. Case in point. No one is perfect. I think the thing is with this new relationship... his financial stability is what COULD be my sticking point. But maybe only if I allow it to be.

The two of you have a connection that is hard to come by. You can look at one another and speak with one another and you feel known. That's a very rare find. You live in different places. You both have your own personal struggles. And now you're in the period of having times of communication and connection, interspersed with being alone and battling your own demons.

Yes, we do have something rare. I could feel something very special the first night we met. It was and sometimes still does feel almost effortless. The more time that goes by, the more I can see how deep and real our connection is. We both have said that we haven't had this ease or connection or 'depth' with anyone else. He even said that about his ex wife. That he has said more and has expressed a deeper level of himself with me than he did with her. I think our feelings for each other are just.... a really good match. I see that we will butt heads, both being impatient and me being stubborn, him being hyper, but....I think the way that we are able to communicate with each other is really special. Aside from having a 'best friend' kind of relationship, and having this incredible sexual attraction. And, he balances me out, and I see that I have helped balance him. Something you said about him 'checking' my anxiety...he's really good at it!!!

We talked earlier tonight... and he said, (without me even mentioning it)- "are you still feeling nervous about coming to see me? Do you still have some things that are worrying you? You know that the only thing you need to worry about is having a good time with me, right? (Stuff like that). Here I am, worrying about accidental pregnancy and ending up a single mom, and worrying about what I'm going to do with all my furniture and how could I possibly move to Louisiana, etc. Every time before I see him I get like this. And every time he has put me at ease.

Have you ever thought about seeking something out like meditation? As an anxious over-thinker, it's a godsend. We have a buddhist community center here that offers classes, and taking one was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. A quiet mind is a relief. And if you're Type A like me, you'll struggle with getting your brain quiet enough to actually meditate. That's why it's a perfect thing for those of us who need to tell our brains "enough already!"

Actually, I practice yoga regularly. I joined a new studio in December and go at least 4 times a week. I have always loved yoga and have been practicing for the past couple years. I find that it is my meditation. My stufio offers meditation-specific classes and musical meditation too. I find the regular 'workout' classes and even the gentler yoga/stretching is just as meditative. It is wonderful, and I find although I still struggle with anxiety, I am a MUCH happier and more compassionate, peaceful person because of yoga.

I use exercise as my positive outlet for my anxiety and energy, so running and yoga are really great for my mind. Sometimes, like today, I worked out so hard I wore myself out. That's how I can quiet my mind. Plus, it helps keep me in great shape! As far as meditation... last time I was in NOLA, he took me to a free mediation/breathing class. He practices meditation regularly. Sometimes we even do breathing exercises together, over the phone. He has given me guided meditations before. It's great.

And, maybe you're going to hate me for saying this, Venus, but I really hope their mindset (and yours) isn't one based in entitlement. Yes, you have a great deal to offer, but you also have goals for your life. One of those is to be a mother.

I'm not sure if their mindset is based in entitlement. I know that they want to see me happy, and not settle. That's what I want for myself too. I don't think that entitlement has anything to do with it. I think I am DESERVING of being a wife and mother. Is that entitlement? No. I think what my dad was saying is that I shouldn't take anything less than getting what I really want. I do have goals in my life. Actually, I want to be a wife much more than I want to be a mother. I would sacrifice having my own children, I would rather be a wife and be happy. Of course I want to have children with my husband. But being a mother is my secondary goal. I also know that a goal that I DO NOT aspire to is being a housewife. Many women I know are like that. I am not. I think as it stands right now... my number one next goal in life is to get married. And I would like it to be very soon. I'm ready. I think this is the closest I've ever been.

You should hold a sense of self-worth, know yourself enough to have some reasonable boundaries about what you will and won't tolerate, and receive graciously.

That's what I mean about what my dad was telling me. He was talking to me about letting R know what I expect and will not tolerate. That's exactly what I've been doing all along. Speaking of what I will and won't tolerate... R and I had another deep, important conversation the other day. Another 'game changer' for me, usually preceded by my own internal anxieties bubbling to the surface. We were both talking about some of our fears and insecurities that have been popping up recently. Somehow we got on the subject of money, because that's his insecurity of recent. I was speaking generally and not about him, but I was establishing my 'criteria' or boundaries. I said something like 'I don't care how much money you make. That is not important to me, and that's not what matters. But I need to know that you can pull your own weight and that you are financially SECURE ON YOUR OWN. I need to know that my partner is responsible and is independently secure.'

He had said something in that conversation that just blew my mind... something like 'Please let me know what your criteria and expectations are of me. My motivation is to make you happy, to see you happy and to make you smile. I will do whatever it takes to make sure I am fulfilling your criteria.. (or something like that). He respects me so highly that he is ASKING me to tell him everything I want. I have no difficulty therefore telling him what my boundaries are, and trusting that he will rise to the occasion, and/or know that he can't pull one over on me or get away with half-assing anything. He already knows I'm too smart to be fooled or disrespected. Something most men I was in relationships with got away with, or tried to.

Also, do be careful about things like him wanting you to live with him to be a good role model for a dysfunctional daughter. That sounds like he wants a female to help around the house and do the parenting. Stepparenting is a two way street; you cannot be a good role model if someone is uninterested in viewing you in that role in her life. And if she's already got some issues, and you're much younger than her father, I could see her trying to challenge you every step of the way.

I don't think he wants me to live with him so that I can be a good role model for his daughter. Cleary he sees that as just the icing on the cake if I were to do that. He asks my opinion when it comes to some difficulties with her, and tonight I reminded him to be more patient and forgiving, as it couldn't hurt . He was so grateful to me for reminding him of that.

I'm not worried about how she will take me. Plus, I'm not planning to 'mother' her either. I'm the same age difference older than her than he is to me.

You want to be a partner, not a stand-in role model to his kids. Perhaps the latter would happen with time, and that would be fantastic. But the two of you need to focus on the partnership.

Right. I don't think I would accept any other role other than partner right now.

Yes, your Dad wants you to be happy and protected. But would he really feel optimistic if some guy who lives across the country who you've been with for 6 months puts a ring on your finger? That would make it "real?" Come on.

I have no idea. Where are you getting the "REAL" part? Who said anything about it not being or being "REAL" without a ring? Did I say that? Sorry if I'm missing something. I don't think less than a year of dating is too soon for an engagement. I think that's kind of normal, or what used to be more normal. The living together before marriage and engagements that last years that are all around us are unfortunately becoming the norm. I don't believe that is how it should be for everyone. That's not what I want, and I don't think it's any more 'REAL' or something to be more optimistic about either.

Let's be real, though. Anyone who believes in and wants marriage believes there is a FAR HIGHER level of commitment in marriage than there is in just dating. To me, and my family, and most of the people I know. I don't judge people who don't feel that way. But to me, marriage is a completely different league.

Your issues with your dad have played a major role in why you're in the position that you're in, because it left you looking for unsuitable men as partners. Now you've got what looks like a great one, so to let the peanut gallery of your father come in and opin about something that is truly ridiculous and for you to take that seriously would be a travesty.

But I don't see his opinion as ridiculous at all. He thinks it would be ridiculous for a man who has feelings for me and who treats me well and who has my love and attention too to NOT want to marry me. He knows that I want to get married and have kids soon, so he thinks if R has "any sense", he will do it. I don't believe he is saying in any way, shape or form that it isn't REAL unless I have a ring. What I (MYSELF) am saying is... yes, he is showing me his commitment to the relationship, and is meeting me halfway emotionally, and holding true to his word. But I need a higher level of commitment than just having a boyfriend.

He continues to try and entice me about what it will be like to live with him, and talks about things that he wants to do together as if we were living together. He talks about the future a lot. I'm excited about it, and I would like to trust that everything is going to be ok, because I can handle it.

March 28, 2016

Oh you guys...

I feel like things are coming along so well. Although I have my ups and downs, and I let my anxiety get the better of me sometimes, overall I can honestly say this is the most calm and confident I've ever felt in a relationship ever. A family member said something like 'long distance relationships are hard' today, and my response was, 'yes, but this has been the easiest relationship I've ever had'. So it's not that hard.

He and I both have our ups and downs with this. But we've made it a point to remain connected, and I feel that we are closer than ever now. The distance and time doesn't seem to make much difference. We're going on two months now that we've been apart. But the consistent and genuine contact has proven that we both take this very seriously.

He said something to me today that I thought was so sweet- 'I've never met another woman like you before. I think you are really incredible.' ! My quirks and faults aside, he still thinks I'm great. He still sees the best in me. I see and feel how much he values me. And I can't say that any man I've ever been with before has thought of me this way, and treated me so well. I trust his word and I know that he wouldn't want to disappoint me or fall short of my expectations.

And although he has his own quirks, he has his own faults, and he's not the guy on paper that I thought I'd end up with, I do love him dearly too. We have such an easy conversation, I feel as though I can trust him completely with my heart and my feelings. If I have a worry, he's there to listen and help offer a solution or offer words of reassurance. I realize that what we have is very rare, and I want to hold onto it.

I also look at my life and see that he's been a very positive force. He has motivated me to be the best I can be and be true to myself. Even small things that used to bother me seem to roll off my shoulder now. I can't say that he's credited with all of that, but he gives me such a boost of confidence and self-assuredness that I can't help but credit him for some of that. I find myself a calmer, happier, more open person, and more giving. This has been a great opportunity for me to practice boundaries and being true to myself in a relationship. Knowing him has made me want to never have to go out there and date again.

LIke I said, he may not be perfect, he may be rough around the edges and wacky and eccentric. But he's a loveable goof and he has a wonderful heart. So I'm excited and confident to see where this will lead. We need more time together before making any moves, but that is what's happening now, time. Every day, we are still getting to know each other more and 'peeling back the layers' so to speak. I feel good about all of this, and I'm gonna take the leap.

April 3, 2016

One more week until I'm there. Time did go pretty fast considering it has been 2 months since we last saw each other. Many people I talk to, when I tell them about my boyfriend being across the country, they are skeptical. They will say, "If he really wanted to be with you, he'd be here." But I don't see that proximity is any correlation to how strong a relationship can be. It doesn't indicate his interest, or that he's not committed to it. Of course there are things that we both miss. We wish we could have that day to day interaction and physical contact. But in my opinion, our relationship is strong enough to sustain that. Because it already has for going on 6 months now. Sometimes I have a hard time believing it, actually. We have been talking more and more about the logistics of bringing the distance together.

My biggest fear is finding myself moving again for a guy and living with him for years and nothing ever comes of it. I'm at an age where I'm 100% ready, (or I think I'm ready) to be married and start a family. I told him last night I don't want to live alone anymore, and he understands what that means. He told me that he knows that I am ready, he can tell. And that doesn't appear to scare him off. He seems willing to step up to the plate.

I've pinned my fear. I'm scared to take it to the next level (in this case, moving across the country to be together) because I don't want to get there, give up my independence and my job I worked hard for, and be just his girlfriend for years, someone he's not totally convinced he wants to marry. Because I feel this is my chance to get what I really want. I think he will give that to me. I mean, I won't get ALL I've ever dreamed of with him. I won't have the guy on paper I thought I'd end up with. But I will have someone who adores me and makes me a better version of myself.

In the beginning, I used to think he was into me because he was wrapped up in the fantasy and romance of the longing and the long distance, and that he just wanted to keep me as a girl he had to take vacations with. Just like him, I didn't expect to fall in love like this.

He's become someone I can call, 24 hours a day, to share in the small moments, and the big moments too. He's been there to share my victories and my dark moments too. In either case, he's been my number one fan. He pushes me when I slip up, and he puts me in my place when I need to calm down. He makes things really simple and clear. And he's always been very expressive with his emotions, something many men aren't. And he says he has had a hard time with that before. I think we do bring out the best qualities in each other. Even knowing he's 'there' in heart, I feel that we are still 'together' even when apart. We still will talk every day, and we are still getting to know. But I see that the more he knows me, the more he loves and cherishes me. He knows I'm not perfect, no one is. Neither is he. His quirks and qualities that are eccentric and unusual have become endearing because I know what a great character he has.

He told me the reason he continued to pursue me was because I was RECEPTIVE to him. I mean, that makes total sense. I'm glad I finally made it. Obviously I needed the right person to fall in love with again.

I read an article the other day that resonated with me; it was about how you should accept and receive someone who loves you instead of the idea of 'settling' for someone who did not check off all your boxes on your list. Obviously that applies to my situation. He's not everything I thought I always wanted. But as it turns out, he's probably almost everything I never knew I always wanted.

He's handsome, funny, vibrant, social, charming, fun, energetic and I'm really physically attracted to him. On the other hand, he has some financial instability, is reckless at times, has no formal education above high school, he slips up and makes borderline inappropriate jokes and almost always likes to draw a lot of attention to himself by acting goofy. Sometimes he's really rough around the edges, in terms of manners and social graces. He's eccentric and seems to draw in all walks of life into his circle. He's a scary driver and he has ADD tendencies. He's a poor speller and well... just a little strange

But- then he's positive and light, humble, makes me laugh like no one has before, is very romantic and passionate, I think he's hot and I love his thick muscles, he loves to dance as much as I do, he's a good father, and he takes great pride in his family and his home. Our sexual chemistry couldn't be any hotter, and he makes me feel safe, cherished, protected, and valued. I've never had to hold back in any way my true self and my desires. He makes it a point to ASK me what it is I want, and what my "criteria" are so that he can make sure he fulfills them. I feel sometimes that he treats me as thought he has put me up on a pedestal. Or else... he just sees my worth, and he realizes it. He tells me often how much he adores me and how he is honored to have this chance and to have my love and attention. He validates my feelings, reassures my fears, and well.. makes me feel I am not standing alone.

Last night we had a long talk about the future plans for moving to the same city, all the options. He says in the past few months he hasn't had the financial stability that he wants and needs to have before he feels secure enough to make any big moves. Obviously this has concerned me, but it seems to be improving for him. I realize that in his line of work, there are going to be times that money is tight. He doesn't have the cash flow that a day in and day out 12 months a year Monday through Friday job like I have provides. This makes him feel insecure, he let on...how he's afraid sometimes some "rich lawyer" is going to steal me away from him. He's not rich and he never will be. But neither will I. He also says that as a man, he feels he needs to be in a financially secure position again before he can take on getting married and having a child. I mean, I would hope he would feel that way. You know- I'm not sure what it will take to make him feel like he is in an ideal position or READY to do those things. I just know that he wants to do it. He has touched on the idea of our 'future kids' and 'what if I proposed to you?' He keeps talking about it, but in more of a concrete way... as though it is directed at me, rather than just talking about it generally, or half-joking about the future kids. Last night he said the words, "diamond ring". !

I'm not sure what it is that makes a man propose, but he is thinking about it for sure. I can't say I have ever been with someone who has vocalized it. It's almost as if I'm just sitting back and observing, after putting in my two cents, and then I see his wheels turning and it's almost as if the idea came to him on his own I don't know, maybe it did. But I think it has a lot to do with me being very clear about what I am looking for in a relationship.

This makes my job easy. I just have to tell him what I want, or what my boundaries are, and he can rise to the occasion, or not ! Wow. I think I just cracked the code.

I used to worry a lot more. I've had my own doubts and insecurities with this new relationship. But every day gets easier... because I believe I can take it in stride and not let it shake me. I believe at this point I have seen all or nearly all the red or yellow flags that might come up. I did tell him that I don't care how much money he makes, I just care that he has a stable income and is financially responsible. Seriously. I don't care if he was a garbage truck driver, as long as he was financially responsible and could hold his own weight without my partnership. I mean, sure, I wanted Prince Charming, i.e. the lawyer, or the pilot. I dated lawyers and pilots and none of them treated me as well, or even came close, actually. So- I realize that is not what matters. If you can find all of that, as some people I know have, I realize that they have made sacrifices to what they were 'hoping for' too. One of my girlfriends married a rich man who gives her a luxurious life compared to what I've known, or will have on my own, but he is never affectionate or warm and fuzzy romantic with her. This is very important to her. But it wasn't her deal breaker. I already know that my guy will give me romance and affection, and lots of physical touch and warmth. Funny, I never really had that high on my list. But now that I have it, I couldn't see NOT having it. I think in the end you want to be with the person that really loves you and provides a commitment to who you really are and the relationship as a team. The more I talk to my married or engaged girlfriends, the more I realize they gave up on their 'list' in a way too, and they realized that the things that needed improving, (like finances) could be worked on. I'm very clear on what I won't tolerate, and have communicated that to him and if necessary, will continue to do so. So- I feel confident enough in that to proceed ....

I'm not sure if this time we spend together will solidify anything in particular.. he's already talking about our NEXT visit, even before we see each other. And he's always been consistent with his word and plans. I'm thinking it won't be too much longer that we will be apart. Whether he asks me to marry him and I move there, or he makes it out here and we will at least be closer in distance while he gets himself settled here.

If I'm being really honest with myself... I could see the former as more of a likely possibility in the near future. People talk about 'how can you possibly know if you want to marry someone unless living together first?' Well, what did people do before, in my parents' and grandparents' generations.. they didn't live together before marriage. And many of them are still married! I don't think living together before marriage is or should be prerequisite. It didn't used to be, and it seemed to work out for those it was going to work out for regardless. I don't know the statistics, but all I know is that I'm not willing to give up what I have to feel like I'm on the line, waiting for a proposal and finding myself knocked up by my boyfriend, and still unmarried, potentially a single mother. I don't see how it would benefit me, other than financially, to live with him.

And speaking of knocked up, we have both discussed using the pulling out method, and this is what the plan is. We both realize pulling out still carries a risk of pregnancy, but because we don't have regular and consistent sex, I use my fertility cycle as a guide for an extra measure. The fact is that we are both ok with the possibility of a pregnancy. I know that pulling out and the rhythm method do not take the place of an IUD or the pill. But I took the pill for about 10 years, and it didn't work once. Plus, this time, I actually would like to have a child in the foreseeable future. Sometimes in this relationship- it makes me think to myself- ' I have this opportunity in front of me. Maybe this is my chance, and I need to take it' (meaning the whole nine yards.. marriage, child(ren), the things I've been wanting a long time. He's willing to offer those things to me. He's thinking hard about it, and he seems to be very motivated to do so. I think this could be my opportunity, and I would regret it very much if I stopped it short. If I want to have a husband and start a family, I need to accept and receive the man in my life who I trust and who is offering that opportunity to me. Right? Because while some would caution against 'settling', I was settling by dating (or trying to date) people who weren't interested in me that way. I could 'hold out' and wait to fall in love with a rich lawyer with a fat paycheck... but then I might find myself 10 years older, unmarried and childless.

I'll see what he does. Right now he's not actually OFFERING me anything other than a place in his bed if I wanted to move in to his house. I think every day that passes for him makes it more frustrating for him to be apart, and he falls deeper. Lately I feel this unusual calm about me, I'm not used to this at all.

Edited April 3, 2016 by venusishername

April 3, 2016

Venus.

My guy is also not educated past high school and will never be rich and is financially NEVER going to be able to wine and dine me albeit on special occasions like my birthday.....

I feel that we are experiencing a similar kind of guy.

I sometimes get sad that my friend has a bf who whisks her away on small trips 3 - 4 times a year, ALL paid for by him ( despite her working full time), he spoils the cr@p out of her because he can AFFORD to. They go on romantic dates to nice places weekly. He takes her out to breakfast EVERY DAY, and spends 10 PLUS K per YEAR just taking them both out to breakfasts before they work!

So I dated and dated and dated .... I dismissed well off men freely after one fate if the chemistry was not off the charts. Even men I had a spark with I dismissed immediately if I didn't "feel it", that thing that screams " yes" with every fibre of your being.

I found my guy I had the mind blowing connection with. Yet I cannot post on instagram about our " date nights". We seldom have any because he is a truck driver and can either save or blow it ALL ( one day a week is all it takes for him to NOT save). I do not get my all exenses paid weekends away. I do not get spoilt rotten on birthdays in the way of money (where as my friend gets a massage voucher, jewellery, a watch and a 200 shopping voucher from her rich bf who adores her also and who she adores).

I like to be a bit spoilt so I have TOTALLY had to change my perception of what constitues getting "spoilt" and treated like a princess.

If your guy is anything like mine (full time worker and hard working but not rich and never will be) then you can expect decent birthday gifts still ( my bf can still afford a 500 bday gift) but he cannot then afford to ALSO take me on weekly dates. Or even fortnightly or monthly dates, he also intends to save a little and buy me nice gifts on specia occasions.

He surprises me with charms for my pandora which he got for me once every couple of months. Or expensive champayne once every 4 months or less. Or a dress OR bag he treats me to every 4 months. That is huge for someone like hi,m who can barely save, barely spends anything on himself and lives virtually paycheck to paycheck bar maybe 100 - 300 disposable per week.

On the bright side...

You have a career. You do not NEED him to be the breadwinner. You need a guy who works full time and even a low ful time income will suffice. My dad fell ill and my mum had to support the THREE of us for decades. We made do. She was on about 130 K and that was more than enough to support 3 people, pets and sponser children and take her family overseas and interstate every year.

I am 29 btw... And not a podiatrist yet and just on a part time wage myself so let me tell you: Your two full time incomes WILL be enough to keep you AND a child afloat, DO NOT worry, you are independant and do not NEED him to support you while you are a stay at home mum - if you want kids badly enough, just suck it up and expect that you will also have to continue to work at your career and not be indulged with expensive dates (or ANY dates for a good while) when you have a child. It will be back to work as usual ASAP after the baby is born so you can BOTH work towards providing your kid/kids with the best you can offer them.

Look, families do it on a lot less. You both have jobs! You will be fine! Quit worrying! You know what you're getting into - you got the chemistry and fireworks and the best friend and the fairytale relationship WITHOUT the money and man that can wine and dine you.

You are welcome to try out the men who have the nice incomes, as I did, and I can guarantee they will ALL fall short of the connection and love you and your boyfriend share! You are NOT going to get the full package, okay? Money is not on the cards for him. And that is perfectly okay, and you can be as happy as is possible for a woman, given the nature of your relationship. You do not NEED him to have a lot of money in order for you to feel blissfully happy as can be. Money would buy you time for yourself more and material processions which you can quite easily buy for yourself. What is more material things going to do? You already have the income to indulge yourself every now and again. How is MORE things, in the form of your bfs paycheck, going to make you THAT much "happier"?

NONE of us can get it all. Maybe 1% of us get the rich guy who also shares the rare connection and chemistry with us. Most of us women have to work for the luxuries we want and not depend on a well off bf.

Plus we both love blue collar. Those men are rarely well off and the ones who are, in my experience, are either players (if they are good looking) or snapped up at a young age because women go nuts for the blue collar men who are hot and crude and a bit unrefined.

Trust me here, MOST of us women have to also work and do well for ourselves if we want stubility! VERY few women can actually depend on their partners financially, bar the occasional date nights and gifts on special occasions.

Just be happy with what you have and stop analysing it aside from to tell us how sweet things are:p:D

April 3, 2016

I feel like there's way too much focus on money going on here. Not too much focus about financial responsibility, that's important, but I guess in 2016 it didn't occur to me that being with a man who can wine and dine you and foot the bill, buy random gifts, etc is even important to women. I wouldn't even allow my boyfriend to do that, since I consider us a family and his money is mine and vice versa- money to me is to be saved and spent on experiences, like travel and movies and festivals and pizza place dates with the occasional nice restaurant thrown in. My dad makes 100k+ and my mother has never made over 30. So I guess I was raised in a family where my mom had it easy and never has to pursue serious career goals; still I was taught differently- I've dated some wealthier men, but still that was never a selling point for me. I take care of myself and my boyfriend makes decent money, so we have a good combined starting point. I feel a little annoyed when women bring up money & especially being taken out and spent on as something that's important to them. The whole gift thing is even worse- nice things shouldn't be something so many people place such a high value on. Experiences, yes, but in terms of wining and dining as an 'experience' , there's only so much of that you can expect before you just seem entitled. 500 on birthday gifts is crazy to me! My bf could technically afford it, but I'd never be ok with that. Just offering a different perspective.

Edited April 3, 2016 by lissvarna

April 3, 2016

It's impossible to tell whether the concerns about money are overblown without knowing the extent of his financial situation. It's not about date nights and fancy dresses (although those things are nice!); it's about whether he has manageable debt and enough savings to fall back on when his work dries up. This is why Venus ought to know what his financial picture looks like. She may be able to help enough where it wouldn't be an issue at all. But if it's more serious than that, she has a right to know too.

He's not everything I thought I always wanted. But as it turns out, he's probably almost everything I never knew I always wanted.

This is how I feel about my boyfriend, and it's really what sets him apart from everyone else I've ever dated. Yes, he likes to wine and dine me and spoil me with presents, but he's also a ridiculous goofball! I never knew I wanted someone who would slow-dance with me in the living room, sing Elvis to me in the shower, and fake electrocuting himself while jumpstarting my car. I know I got the total package, it just wasn't at all what I was looking for. And it sounds like this man is the same for you. Venus, if you adore him and care for him the way you say, then I have no doubt you'll be able to surmount any obstacle. You just need to know what they are.

April 3, 2016

Lana is right. I wasn't talking about wining and dining and taking me out to breakfast every day. I wouldn't say no to that, of course! But that's not what I meant.

My only concern about money in this relationship is that he has a steady stream of dependable income, and doesn't blow all his money on stupid ****. That's it. Leigh is right, he's blue collar. That means money is never going to be flowing freely with him. I make a pretty decent living, but it's certainly not even close to six figures, and never will be, unless I go to grad school. So, between the two of us, I think it would be fine and manageable. But before I agree to combine my life with his, I need to know that he is offering at LEAST an equal part.

Money is NOT the most important thing. But it is a BIG thing that causes huge stressors in relationships. My ex and I constantly fought about money. I don't want to carry most of the weight. I don't want to wake up early every day to work and he's sleeping in, or come home after working all day and see him at home, lazing around (past relationship). I don't think this would happen, because my guy isn't lazy and arrogant like my ex was. I'm an extremely motivated person and laziness is my number one pet peeve. I just need to know my man isn't lazy and irresponsible. I think the reason I harp on it so much is because I do NOT want to get involved any deeper with someone who is going to end up being like my ex. This is just my own deal, I need to come to terms with.

I think the cause of a lot of my worrying is that I compare him to my ex. My ex spent four and a half years back and forth deciding if he really wanted to be with me. Sometimes we were absolutely for sure committed. Or so I thought. The other times, once he wrote me a Dear John letter and drove out of state. Or he was screwing someone else as I found out later. He was never 100% sure that he wanted the relationship, only when he was afraid he'd lose me. Clearly, he never intended to marry me, he insisted I have an abortion when I got pregnant, and he pretty much stalked and emotionally abused me for three years following our breakup. So, he really ****ed me over. He turned out to be lazy, arrogant, and entitled, and at the end of our relationship, before I ended it, he was spending the days in his bathrobe while I went to work during the day and night school. Soon he started asking to borrow money. I ****ing loathe that guy. I spent age 23-27 with that *******, and it took me until I was 31 to even begin to trust another man with my heart again. I'm still not completely there. I have so much resentment towards him. I thought I had let it go. I forgave him awhile ago, but I still think he robbed me of years that I can't ever get back.

I keep thinking- I'm 32 and unmarried with no kids. I always wanted those things. And I still don't have it. I COULD have had that already. But I chose the wrong guy(s). What if I never have it? What if I end up living alone with my cat forever, and lose my fertility and get passed by for a younger woman. My pool is getting smaller. I have to be choosy, but I can't be too picky. Is there something wrong with me that I don't have what my friends all have? They get to spend Sundays with their husbands and kids, or with their married and kid friends. What's it going to take for me to have that? It's something I've always wanted, but it doesn't seem to be within my reach.

I think it's possible with my guy. But we don't even live in the same city. We are REALLY far apart. We would have to close that distance before anything else, and I'm just not sure how we can do that right now.

And- those are my thoughts for today. Got them out, now I can carry on with the day and just accept things for the way they are.

Edited April 3, 2016 by venusishername

April 17, 2016

So I just got back a few days ago from my trip back to New Orleans. I have to admit- I'm MORE in love with the place and the thought of being there with him than ever. This time I had a longer time with him and a longer time there to experience more of the city. It really is magical. I love that place.

I never thought I'd ever go there, but here I am, three times in 6 months visiting there. I told him I think he should come here next time. It's great where I live too, but the more I think about it, I don't have much holding me here.

I have a good job, have my annual review pending, potential raise, my family and friends are here... BUT, people move away, people move on.

I'm locked into a lease until fall, which he is aware of. I'm not really sure what the future will bring. He has made it very clear that he wants us to end up in the same city. He is trying to entice me there. After careful consideration, I am still dead against moving across the country, to shack up with my boyfriend. I did it before, and I don't want to do it again. I stand firm in the fact that I will not live with him unless we have a wedding date. This means being engaged. I think maybe he thinks I might change my mind, but I won't.

I WOULD feel comfortable living in New Orleans only if I had my own place, which is totally feasible. I have no problem getting a job, and my line of work isn't too hard to find there. He actually took me to the business district so I could get an idea of where I could possibly find work. He has put the word out to his friends if they have connections for me.

Anyway, finding a job wouldn't be any issue for me. Finding a place wouldn't be hard either. The cost to rent is half as much as it is where I live, which is sounding really appealing lately, while the rent is steadily climbing in my city. I fell in love with New Orleans all over again this trip, and I fell in love with him again too.

Being physically together and refreshing our intimacy helped me feel much more secure. I feel as if our relationship has really solidified.

He still talks about coming out here to live, but as we discussed, neither one of us can pick up and move across the country right this second. It's a matter of time.

I realize after being there and being a part of what his life is like... it is worlds different than what I am used to. Just simply the difference in backgrounds. I grew up in an affluent and privileged coastal Southern California. I don't personally make lots of money, but I grew up with everything I could possibly want, and let's just say money has never been an issue in my life. I also have a good job and a college education. He's from a humble upbringing, blue collar and simple background in Louisiana. He never went to college, except trade school. Life is simple there. He doesn't have much, and he doesn't require much either. He's never been well off and he never will be. His work is sporadic and he takes the job as it comes. He's never going to have that 9-5 stability. I realize that is not everyone's cup of tea and there's nothing wrong with that. However, that's the kind of person I am, and honestly that is what I was hoping or expecting my partner to be like too.

On the subject of money... in the past with him, I have been concerned and complained here that he was tight with his money. On this trip, not only did he pay for the majority of my plane fare, he also insisted on paying for almost everything we did, and we did a lot. He paid cash too, I noticed. There was never an issue about money, meaning, it didn't hinder anything that we did. He was so sweet: he bought some groceries thinking we could cook together, which we did one night. I had to laugh at what he bought... the combination of food wasn't exactly appetizing, but I made it happen since I consider myself to be a pretty good cook. It was nice to cook with him at home. We did a lot, saw a lot, enjoyed the city. He's from there, so he knows everything about New Orleans and we went to some amazing local places. Bacchanal was my very favorite. He picked out a nice bottle of wine and I had mentioned I would like something chocolate, so he came back with a plate of chocolate to surprise me.

He does a lot of very romantic gestures, and I really appreciate that. That quality is very important to me. He's also very affectionate and loving. We were nearly always holding hands, he almost always had his arm around me as we walked, he was always touching me while sitting next to each other. These things go a long way. He was and is always doing his best to make sure that I don't want for anything. I feel like my wish is his command.

One day, it was so humid that I almost fainted while walking around the French Quarter. It wasn't that hot, but I guess I'm not used that heavy, sweltering heat. He promptly got me some cold water, took me inside to sit in the AC, and all the way back to the car, he held his cold water bottle against my neck with his hand on my back.

Something else he does that no other man I've dated has... I think it must be the Southern chivalry thing, because men in California don't do this kind of stuff... he opened the car door for me every single time, or at least 90% of the time anyway. He will pass a flower bush and pluck one for me. My favorite was just outside his house, there was a first bloom on a gardenia bush, and he picked it for me and I wore it in my hair like Billie Holiday. I started a collection of the flowers he picked me over the months... they are all dried up now, but it's those simple things that fulfill me.

I casually mentioned after dinner one night that ice cream sounded good, without a word he re-routed and drove us to Baskin Robbins, and bought me some ice cream. I didn't ask, I just said it sounded good, he just wanted to make me happy.

I wanted to show my appreciation for all he was doing for me, so one night I treated him to Thai food. I would occasionally pick up a drink for him, or pay for his coffee. But otherwise, he was doing all he could to spoil me. It was really nice, and I felt very loved and special.

I was able to look around and observe his home life. I could see some of his quirks and habits come out during this trip. Things that I could see getting on my nerves, but not deal breakers. Just the day to day stuff. Maybe the better word is idiosyncracies. Things about him that I found oddly amusing or just a little annoying, but not really. I think this is the stuff that being in a long distance relationship doesn't really allow you to see as quickly as if you lived in the same town, or lived together. I think there are some things he does that are rough around the edges, or indicative of being a bachelor for most of his life. For example, household things and food preparation. I tried to imagine myself living with him and how I would need to step in a little to run things a little more efficiently

I would like to think in this relationship, I would be the one to be the 'manager' of things. Give and take. I think that is what I am good at, management and organization, so it wouldn't be difficult or a burden to me to do so. Anyway, I had a good chance to observe what life in New Orleans would be like for me. I'm pretty open to the idea of moving there and getting my own place. But not making any moves yet.

This is what's difficult. I don't want to be the one to chase him, or move to him. It would be just as easy for me to move there as it would for him to move here, in theory. But he has two kids, I don't. He doesn't have the financial footing to just drop a large sum of money on a deposit on a place with no job lined up here. The same goes for me, really. For some reason, I worry less about my work situation in a new city than I think he does. But really, realistically... he's got a lot more security there than there is here. The cost of living here is so high compared to the rest of the country, it is daunting. There's also more money to be made out here. But in Louisiana, things are much simpler. I noticed the people there don't require much money and they have perfectly comfortable homes, like he does. He has already offered me to move in, I wouldn't have to spend nearly so much money to live ( a very significant amount less). It's also a place that is so much more full of life and culture than where I live. It may be the most beautiful state here as far as the weather and scenery, but the richness of life is lacking in many ways. I have a strong affinity for Southern people now. They are seriously the kindest people I've ever met.

In any case, I am still against moving in with him, but now I'm interested in looking at housing and job options for me there. I can't make any moves until October anyway; I hope by then things will have solidified more. I just hate to be the one to move out of California again because I couldn't stand the idea of being away from my boyfriend.

If I'm being really honest with myself, I do love him, and I am in love with him, and I know for certain the feeling is mutual. We have some disagreements and we occasionally butt heads, but we have never come from a place of disrespect. I can see that we resolve our conflicts in a good way, by communicating and with love and understanding. We had kind of a heated discussion one night, about a topic that divides many people. We don't really see completely eye to eye about it. I'm not sure if HE considers that to be a big difference, but I don't. I think maybe there are some things that he has doubts about too, just like I do. I think that maybe it is still too soon for me (and probably for him) to be totally convinced that we want to fully commit and get married. He is well aware that I want to get married and have a child or two in the near future. We both share that mentality, that we are open to it now. He's not in a rush, because he's already been there, done that. Plus, he's a man. I'm a 32 year old woman who has never been married and never had a child. I'm kind of on a shorter timeframe.

I'm not sure what it's going to take as far as either one of us being totally convinced that this is it, and let's take it to the next level, whether that means moving to the same city, getting engaged, etc. It's been six months of dating, I think by a year's time things will *hopefully* become clear. I don't think it should take longer than that to decide, on either end. I guess there is nothing to do to speed anything up, things will happen as they will. I still need to be sure myself. I guess the difference in background and lack of financial security are my prime concerns. But the thing is, I don't see those things as absolute deal breakers at this point. Maybe there are things about me that he needs to evaluate more too. I guess all we can do is keep feeding the relationship. I haven't talked to him today yet, except for a couple texts. Been under the weather so I'm not much up for talking anyway. I still get uneasy sometimes if he goes quiet for most of the day. I tend to think he's probably with friends, male and/or female. He has female friends, in his mind it is platonic but I can't help but feel jealous sometimes, like I am now. I don't even know if he's with a female friend right now, but there have been times that he has gone out with a female who he considers a friend, not necessarily one on one or anything, but maybe sometimes. I have male friends too, maybe he gets jealous of them sometimes. Once recently he invited a female friend to an event that he got free tickets for. He told me they went and got something to eat too. I thought that sounded like a date, but he insisted it wasn't. I think he thinks there is nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex. I don't really think it's appropriate for him or me to go out alone with the opposite sex, usually the third party will get the wrong idea... right?

Or maybe he just doesn't think of this stuff. I have no problem with the idea of having friends of the opposite sex; in fact, I have been texting one of my male friends as we speak, who will be going with me and some other friends to a baseball game this week. But it's different than a one on one alone time with a friend of the opposite sex, isn't it? Thoughts on this?

Whenever I'm home on a Saturday night and I haven't heard from him and it's getting late.. my mind always goes to him being with another woman and I start feeling jealous and insecure. She's getting the attention that I am not because I don't live in the same place. I bet many of his male friends (as do some of my female friends) tell him why bother with a long distance relationship when you can get all of that right in your own city if you really wanted to? I guess they have a point. But I don't meet men here who actually want to date me and vice versa. I don't have that connection with men here. Apparently he doesn't either otherwise he would give up and stop trying to nurture this relationship with me.

I just would feel better if I knew where things were going now.

April 20, 2016

Well- things have taken a bit of a turn. Gosh, this is hard.

So it's been almost a week now since I left there. Naturally, the separation pains kicked in over the weekend and on top of getting sick, I was in tears most of the weekend missing him. The not knowing what was next. I was sure that it wouldn't be too long before we saw each other again, since he was the one who made that clear. I told him at the airport not to worry about planning the next trip yet, let's just let it be for now.

Ok. So I've mentioned here some concerns I've had about his behaviors, and maybe some of the financial worries. As it turns out, my concerns are justified. I'll just get right to the point. He told me he has ADHD and is not currently taking medication. He told me the other night that he was previously diagnosed and used to take medication for it, but is no longer.

This would explain so much of these recurring behavioral issues I've noticed are a pattern with him.

Last night I had a missed call from him saying how upset he was, that he had a boot put on his car, (this means it's locked and you can't move it). I asked him why, and he said he parked it illegally, he guessed, and now it's going to cost over $200 to get out. This is not the first time I have witnessed parking tickets with him. I was with him last time and he had a ticket on his car when we came back to it. I asked him why and he didn't really seem to care much. A couple months ago, he told me his car was towed and he had to ask the friend he was with to spot him some money at the towyard to get it out because he was short.

Now, as a person who has lived and works in the city, I've had my fair share of parking tickets in my life for expired meters or accidentally parking in a loading zone, simply just being careless, or maybe not seeing a sign. I've had my car towed once because I didn't pay attention to the signs where I parked. It really just boils down to being careless. It does happen to all of us. But I've noticed with him it is a pattern. And he knows he may not be parking legally, I guess, but he seems to think he can get away with it, or he doesn't pay attention, or something. Anyway, then he gets really flustered and upset that he's going to have to pay the fine. But he keeps being careless.

He is almost always complaining about money. I've either witnessed him complain he is "broke" which is relative and maybe an exaggeration, or he thinks he has plenty to spend and spends spends impulsively and on things that aren't necessary. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated him buying us a hotel room one night so we could get wild and crazy, or every meal out. I figured he was trying to make up for the time not being able to take me on dates. I am guilty of spending impulsively and extravagantly too, but then I don't complain about being tight or behind on money if I splurge. I make up for it. He APPEARS to have this constant internal struggle with trying to hold it all together. He seems to me as an outsider like he has things in decent order, he's not wanting for anything, but then he spends impulsively and is in debt. So he's not in order.

The man isn't lazy, quite the opposite. I guess can't manage his money, or forgets to pay parking tickets, etc. I don't know the extent of how bad it is. But now I can kind of see how bad it could be, and I'm kind of nervous to find out. From what I have seen, it's not going to be good.

I've always noticed that he's hyper a lot of the time, he gets easily flustered and frustrated and distracted. He can't seem to focus on more than one thing at a time. He gets hyper focused and tunnel vision too at times. Like he'll do extreme workouts or fasting. I thought he was just eccentric and maybe a little hyperactive and energetic. There are things about that can be endearing, kind of like lovable quirks. But now that I've known him 6 months and we talk every day, I notice that there's a downside to that. There have been times that he'll talk a mile a minute because there are "too many things" he has to worry about. Just dealing with his kids asking him to give them a ride if he has other stuff going on seems to be a big hurdle for him, I've noticed. He gets short and very easily frustrated. There's been a time or two that I can tell he's frustrated, and he starts talking really fast, then I just have to get out of my emotions and tell him to calm down and snap out of it, and he does.

On the other hand, he's also often very calm and centering. He has a great attitude and is always kind. But he definitely has these ADHD qualities. I can picture him as a child, unable to focus on school, probably not a good student, having difficulty focusing on day to day tasks, especially the stuff adulthood throws at all of us.

I've seen his personality quirks and habits, I've noticed a little OCD in there too. Like he has multiple items of the same thing, all lined up in the medicine cabinet. Like three different eye drops, three different toothpastes. I have some OCD tendencies myself, so I recognize these things as just compulsions. That's not so bad, and that doesn't necessarily affect your life, finances, and relationships.

My first reaction when he told me about the boot on his car last night was, to tell him bluntly, "well that was stupid." Then somehow he started getting into how he was feeling "ADD" lately, and then I think it dawned on me that maybe he had that. Then I got a knot in my stomach. I asked him if he had been diagnosed, and he said yes, and that he used to take medication. I asked him how it made him feel, and he said that it helped him feel focused. But his doctor wouldn't prescribe him anymore because she was worried he was getting too old to take the drugs, the amphetamine, I'm guessing. She was worried it would be too hard on his kidneys. So he hasn't taken it. I don't know how long it's been.

I was very upset to hear this. I thought- I can't be with someone who racks up parking tickets and spends hundreds to get his car out of tow on a recurring basis. I can't be with someone who has trouble getting a grip on normal adult day to day things that might come up. I can't be with someone who absentmindedly doesn't take the screws out of his pocket and damages the washing machine and has to spend money to fix it. I can't be with someone who seems to have great difficulty taking care of his own basic needs let alone mine and potentially a child.

But then I realized that these traits are not personality defects. He is a very good man. He one of the most kindest and most loving and attentive men I have ever known. Not just dated, ever known. He has so many good qualities. He truly has a heart of gold, treats me like a queen, makes me feel safe, protected, and honored. I know he'd be my knight in shining armor, always have my back, and would probably take a bullet for me. He also falls all over himself doing whatever it takes to make me feel happy, comforted, and secure. He is a person of integrity, and a gentleman. That is very rare. And I HATE to walk away from that.

So- I'm in an awful dilemma, guys.

I took a day to sleep on it. He called me today after work and I brought it up. Very kindly and from a place of respect. I told him I've been very worried about him lately, now especially with what happened to his car and the money it cost him. I brought up the ADHD and medication. I told him that I don't judge him, and I'm not angry about what happened with his car. I am disappointed, but mainly this concerns me. Now that he told me about his behavioral/mental situation, I guess this really helps me understand. I used to worry that maybe he was just purposely scatterbrained and careless sometimes. Now that I see how upset this makes him, I can try and understand. He really opened up to me. How this has affected other relationships. How sometimes he feels "stupid" and like he knows better, but he does "stupid things" sometimes. He has been beating himself up about the car since it happened. He couldn't bring himself to call his daughter to pick him up 3 miles away to take him back to the house because he was humiliated. He felt so terrible that he couldn't even take a cab and walked instead because he felt he should "do penance" for being so stupid. He said he has been in relationships with women, maybe his ex wife too, that have called him names and gotten upset over things that he does like this, etc. and ridiculed him in front of other people. He said he wasn't going to tell me about the car because he thought I would have the same reaction that other women did when he did these things. But that he wanted to tell me, he wanted to be honest.

I told him I was glad he did tell me, and I'm not mad at him. Now that I understand.

We had to cut the conversation short, but he did say he would call me later tonight. I know it is hard for him to talk about this. But I am coming from a place of CONCERN more than anything. Because I do love him. And up until this point, we have been head over heels in love, and grown very close, and I would consider him one of my best friends. We've seen now the good and the bad sides of each other. It's not all hearts and flowers anymore.

Now I feel it is good to take a "pause". I can't just tell him "I can't see you anymore" without talking to him more about it, and if he would be open to going back to the doctor and getting back on medication.

Someone compared it to living with a "special needs child". He does so many wonderful things and has great outlets for his energy... he does these really creative household projects like woodworking and painting furniture, building his best friend a kitchen table, meditating and yoga, reading books about anatomy and health, studying to learn Spanish, learning to cook exotic foods, studying for his electrical license to work in other states. But then he really struggles sometimes.

I guess when I take a step back and look at it objectively, I can see what that person meant about "special needs child". He has this sharp memory most of the time, like remembering very specific details. He is so friendly and open. He reminds me in that way of my dad, who is an eccentric scatterbrained mad scientist, very intelligent and inquisitive, but often misunderstood. Compulsive. Easily frustrated. Impulsive.

At this very moment, I'm not sure the best approach to proceed. He doesn't want to lose me. I know that if I ask him to please consider going back to the doctor and getting help again, he will likely do it. But I don't know if that will solve the problems he has. I don't know if I could be with someone like that, like as a husband and father. I'm such a Type-A personality overachiever, straight A student, the day to day things that fluster him wouldn't even hardly faze me.

For example, just the idea of him moving out here, getting a job lined up, getting a place... the way he talks about it, it's like it's this HUGE thing that is going to take time and lots of money. In my mind, it's like, yeah, if I would move to New Orleans, I'd definitely have to save a bit, figure out what area I could afford to live, I'd have no problem getting a job immediately or probably even lined up way before I got there. It's like... to me, that seems totally feasible and easy. But to him, it's feasible but it seems so much more difficult. That is the difference that I see now. It's like the day to day things for him are harder than they are for most of us.

I know very little about his disorder, so I'm pretty lost here. But I see all the traits matching up to it.

What worries me most is what if I married him, had a child, and he had to spend hundreds of dollars getting his car out of tow for the second time in a couple months because he's careless or did something impulsive again. Or he broke the washing machine again because he forgot to take the screws out of his pocket. There's absentmindedness, and then there's a disorder that affects your life, like his is. And believe me, I've done stupid **** in my life, I've definitely had lapses in common sense. But for the most part, I have a good grip on it.

But his impulsive behavior, financial problems, lack of focus, hyperactivity, and frustration with "too many things all happening at once"... I am going to think twice about whether I can think about making any moves to progress this relationship. I may not be able to.

I'm really not sure what to think. I think I'll tell him tonight that I'm very concerned and that I would like to see him get help. That's the best I can do right now.

Edited April 20, 2016 by venusishername

April 20, 2016

Venus, I'm so sorry to hear this. That aside, the ADHD isn't as important as his attitude towards it. ADHD isn't a debilitating illness and if he pursues treatment---I mean practicing CBT and working with a psychologist, not just popping pills---he'll be fine. ADD/ADHD shouldn't be a deal-breaker any more than mood swings. (Also, don't be so quick to knock OCD! Organization and attention to detail is awesome!)

What could be a deal-breaker is a refusal to seek treatment. Why did he stop his last treatment? Was it just because he had bad side effects from the medication, or did he feel cured and decide to quit? If he denies he has a problem then, well, you really do have a problem. On the other hand, if he's willing to seek treatment and serious about getting better, this may be nothing more than a minor inconvenience. All of us cope with varying degrees of mental irregularities every day.

A couple months ago, he told me his car was towed and he had to ask the friend he was with to spot him some money at the towyard to get it out because he was short.

This, to me, is far and away the biggest red flag of everything you wrote above. How much does it cost to get your car back? In my city it's never more than $200 and is typically around $140; my guess is in Louisiana it's substantially less. He doesn't have cash on hand or a credit card that can handle a basic emergency! That's not just financial irresponsibility, that's literally broke. I am not sure what this guy's debt situation looks like but you now have hard evidence that it's very, very bad. You are right to be worried because the hypothetical scenarios you describe are all very plausible.

I wish I had better suggestions for you, but the most I think you can do is discuss treatment (try to suggest seeking help without sounding like it's an order or ultimatum) and the full extent of his finances. I know you have a good head on your shoulders. You'll make the right decision for you, whatever that is and no matter how hard. Be compassionate and empathetic but don't compromise your common sense.

April 20, 2016

"I was very upset to hear this. I thought- I can't be with someone who racks up parking tickets and spends hundreds to get his car out of tow on a recurring basis. I can't be with someone who has trouble getting a grip on normal adult day to day things that might come up. I can't be with someone who absentmindedly doesn't take the screws out of his pocket and damages the washing machine and has to spend money to fix it. I can't be with someone who seems to have great difficulty taking care of his own basic needs let alone mine and potentially a child."

I'm sorry, and I'm not an expert on ADD or ADHD, but these things sound more like the result of a combination of laziness and stupidity. I wouldn't have used that word if you hadn't had that thought 'well that was stupid'.

Your reaction right there sums it up perfectly.

I've been lurking here and skimming (can't possibly take it all in), but I don't see this working out. Isn't he in his forties? He may have done fine as a father the first go round, but.........

Add in the money thing, and it sounds like a disaster in the making, especially since you're pondering a relocation (on your part or his).

Again, so sorry.

April 20, 2016

"I was very upset to hear this. I thought- I can't be with someone who racks up parking tickets and spends hundreds to get his car out of tow on a recurring basis. I can't be with someone who has trouble getting a grip on normal adult day to day things that might come up. I can't be with someone who absentmindedly doesn't take the screws out of his pocket and damages the washing machine and has to spend money to fix it. I can't be with someone who seems to have great difficulty taking care of his own basic needs let alone mine and potentially a child."

I'm sorry, and I'm not an expert on ADD or ADHD, but these things sound more like the result of a combination of laziness and stupidity. I wouldn't have used that word if you hadn't had that thought 'well that was stupid'.

Your reaction right there sums it up perfectly.

I've been lurking here and skimming (can't possibly take it all in), but I don't see this working out. Isn't he in his forties? He may have done fine as a father the first go round, but.........

Add in the money thing, and it sounds like a disaster in the making, especially since you're pondering a relocation (on your part or his).

Again, so sorry.

So perhaps giving up a once or twice in a lifetime connection in favour or a more "financially responsible guy" is what floats your boat.

Or maybe you were one of the 1 in 2 million woman who got the earth shattering chemistry and connection with a mentally stable and financially desirable individual.

Venus is making a choice. The rare connection that gives her butterflies and will give her passion and a spark to draw from when they cannot stand each other - or, the financially sounds guy who does not ever make her heart skip a beat but gives her good sex and secure, high quality of life.

Who would you want to live on a street with you in a cardboard box? If you HAD to choose? Who brings you the most joy irrespective of their financial status?

It will be hard to deal with this guys issues don't get me wrong. I am living it currently. But ultimately, me and my own financially irresponsible guy want to be together and experience a nice quality of life enough to make changes in order to reach our goal.

This guy wants Venus enough to make changes. Maybe not ground breaking changes on a large scale, but I am sure he WOULD definitely be more financially responsible if it meant he could be with the love of his life. Which I believe Venus is to him.

Drug addiction abuse and being homeless and destitute due to being too lazy to work - those are deal breakers. ....

Look, most women cannot have it all. SO it is up to the individual as to what most makes them happy - and what they can do without. For most women, they go without the ' best sex they have had" when it comes to a long term partner. They go without the earth shattering connection in favour of character and stability.

venus and I obviously favour a connection over stability. Although in saying that, it is often the case that even the most intense connections can be broken through incompatibilities. Even the best chemistry and strongest inclinations to be with another person can dissipate if one or both partners demonstrates behaviour that is too unsavoury or unfavourable.

Who are you to say though that his faults cannot be controlled enough to make things tolerable on the financial front?

Why does his financial woes have to necessarily lead to resentment, providing he gets things under more control?

April 20, 2016

I think there are separate issues here. Having ADHD (or ADD) is not the reason he gets repeated parking tickets or doesn't have $200 on hand (or available on a credit card) to get his car out of the impound lot. In fact, it's been pretty clear all along that this guy lives on the edge financially and you've written about it on multiple occasions. For whatever reason, this last incident is causing you to actually reflect on what this would mean if you were to actually marry him.

The ADHD is, as others have pointed out, a manageable condition (assuming he is willing to treat it as such).

I do think that, in fairness to him, you need to think about your next steps. He's been who he is through pages and pages of this thread. This latest piece of information (about the parking boot) is consistent with what you've told us about him already. He hasn't changed, and he isn't likely to change, although it's possible that, if married to you, you could exert more influence over some of his decisions.

Hope you can come to a happy conclusion.

April 20, 2016

Leigh, I'm sorry for whatever experience led you to believe only 1 in 2 million women have wonderful chemistry with a healthy, responsible partner they find attractive (as they say on Wikipedia, "citation needed"!), because it's absurd. If that kind of love was so unlikely, why would anyone ever hold out for it? The best analogy I can think of is everyone in the world participating in the lottery all day every day, obsessing about how they might win and being crushed when they don't. I certainly don't think a lottery forum would be as much fun as LoveShack!

Venus is making a choice. The rare connection that gives her butterflies and will give her passion and a spark to draw from when they cannot stand each other - or, the financially sounds guy who does not ever make her heart skip a beat but gives her good sex and secure, high quality of life.

Who would you want to live on a street with you in a cardboard box? If you HAD to choose? Who brings you the most joy irrespective of their financial status?

You are making this situation a binary when it isn't one. There are millions of men who are sexy, stable and financially secure. And maybe she wants to not live on the street in a cardboard box, period. If Venus is entitled for wanting a relationship with a mature, responsible adult, then I'm Marie frickin' Antoinette.

It will be hard to deal with this guys issues don't get me wrong. I am living it currently. But ultimately, me and my own financially irresponsible guy want to be together and experience a nice quality of life enough to make changes in order to reach our goal.

This guy wants Venus enough to make changes. Maybe not ground breaking changes on a large scale, but I am sure he WOULD definitely be more financially responsible if it meant he could be with the love of his life. Which I believe Venus is to him.

She's already talked to him about the need to make financial changes and (pardon me if I'm reading this wrong) he's still spending way outside his means. Furthermore, your situations aren't really comparable. A poor student who still makes enough to save a bit for retirement and a rainy day is worlds apart from a flat broke fortysomething man with two children. One or two hundred bucks ought to be an annoyance, not a catastrophe.

Venus has talked about her fantasies of a hero on a white horse. I don't think she realized she'd be the one on the horse.

Drug addiction abuse and being homeless and destitute due to being too lazy to work - those are deal breakers. ....

It's up to each of us to decide what our dealbreakers are. I wouldn't date someone who was even half as irresponsible as this man. I'd also never date a Family Guy fan. Chacun à son goût.

Look, most women cannot have it all. SO it is up to the individual as to what most makes them happy - and what they can do without. For most women, they go without the ' best sex they have had" when it comes to a long term partner. They go without the earth shattering connection in favour of character and stability.

Again, I have no idea where you're getting this, because it's really not true at all. It's also a tremendously depressing lie to tell yourself. In this day and age, very few people bother with the expense and stress of a wedding (and lifelong relationship!) unless they truly love their partners.

Who are you to say though that his faults cannot be controlled enough to make things tolerable on the financial front?{/QUOTE]

We aren't. She is. That's the point.

Why does his financial woes have to necessarily lead to resentment, providing he gets things under more control?

The whole "love conquers all" song and dance carries very little weight for two people trapped with children in an underwater mortgage on an old, leaking house they can't even afford to sell. If financial responsibilities weren't significant they wouldn't be one of the most (if not the most) common cause of long-term breakups. If this man hasn't gotten things under control as a single parent in his forties, he's unlikely to start now. The worst part is she shouldn't have to issue an ultimatum at all. Ultimatums are for bad employees and children. Venus has way more dignity than having to tell a man some 11 years her senior to get it together or she'll walk.

April 20, 2016

Someone compared it to living with a "special needs child"...I guess when I take a step back and look at it objectively, I can see what that person meant about "special needs child".

Just an aside: did someone say this about having a partner with ADHD, or your boyfriend specifically? Were they making a somewhat off-color joke or were they serious? If it's the latter that's a pretty intense comment to make. Love makes us biased and terrible judges of character, but I would wonder about my relationship if I knew other people saw it that way.

April 20, 2016

I can't really write much at the moment.

No, Lana, the person who said about 'special needs child' was not specifically referring to him or making a joke. It was not a comment that was directed towards or about my bf.

I have to disagree with you in a few respects - I don't think that spending a couple hundred is "catastrophic" for him. I think you may overexaggerate. I think it's an annoyance, but it seems to be a regular annoyance.

I also disagree with you, Leigh. It's not about chemistry over stability. You can have both.

I will NOT tolerate these behaviors and patterns. But I love him and would like to give him a chance to at least KNOW that I don't tolerate it and I would like to see big changes.

Lana. You say that I have too much dignity to issue an ultimatum. So what would I do instead? Just walk away?

Edited April 20, 2016 by venusishername

April 20, 2016

I have to disagree with you in a few respects - I don't think that spending a couple hundred is "catastrophic" for him. I think you may overexaggerate. I think it's an annoyance, but it seems to be a regular annoyance.

I don't know how else you describe a situation where a grown man with children doesn't even have a couple hundred dollars on hand or in credit. Many unexpected things in life---cars, emergency medical treatments, funeral arrangements, home repairs---cost a hell of a lot more than that. The "regular annoyance" of getting one's car towed is arguably not as bad as the fact that he has fewer liquid assets than a teenager who flips burgers part-time. If that's not a financial catastrophe, what is?

I will NOT tolerate these behaviors and patterns. But I love him and would like to give him a chance to at least KNOW that I don't tolerate it and I would like to see big changes.

Lana. You say that I have too much dignity to issue an ultimatum. So what would I do instead? Just walk away?

You talked to him before about the importance of saving money. He apparently didn't listen. How many times will it take? You are already at the point where you have to set expectations about what you will and won't tolerate, like you're talking to a petulant child. When you move to be with him are you ready to be a parent to both him and his kids?

If you don't want to walk away then lay it out on the line. Say you're committed to making it work but only if he's equally committed. Get the cold hard numbers of all his debts, not just his credit card. Insist on financial counseling. Talk to a professional and set concrete, realistic savings goals. Be willing to sacrifice your fancy date nights and personal luxuries until you meet them. Show him you're in this for the long haul by sacrificing whatever you can to get him on good footing again. If he can't or won't do just as much if not more then you walk away.

Edited April 20, 2016 by lana-banana

April 20, 2016

No relationship or person is perfect. I suggest you move to NOLA in your own place to live and get to know him on a regular basis. It's not workable from s distance. You can't know exactly who he is and you may also fill in gaps with catrastophic information. If it's easy to find a job, do so, sublease your apartment in Southern Cal, get a 6 month lease in NOLA and a job and give this a chance. If it doesn't work out at least you actual got all the info.

April 20, 2016

I don't think or know that he doesn't have a couple hundred on hand. I sure as hell don't carry hundreds in cash or would want to or use a credit card for things like this. I think - but I don't know- that one time he was in a crunch and either didn't have the cash or have the credit to pay hmmm... Couple hundred?

I think it's about $200 to get your car out of tow.

If something like this happened to me, I was already tight with money due to the holidays, I was in a bind, I'd ask a friend to borrow a little cash if I had to. I think that's all that happened.

You said you make six figure income, so You and I are in totally different leagues as far as money. My bf is either less or about the same on average as I am, so I think our concept of hundreds of dollars at a time is quite different from yours. He's had the washer break and it's not a catastrophe to repair its just a bother. I really don't feel things are as destitute as you make it out to be. Then again, I really don't know the numbers.

I am so pissed off and so upset. I want to just run away and not face this.

April 21, 2016

^no, he isn't destitute. Lana, a financial catastrophe for you might equal not having a few hundred dollars (it also would be for me) but for many people, being able to pay their bills on time, just barely-- that's financial security. No one is really in a position to judge what another people might consider financially secure.

I think it's really more about irresponsibility than ADHD, the parking ticket/boot/tow thing anyway. But I'm in the MH field and I feel ADHD is seriously over diagnosed. One thing is that he hasn't seemed to use it as an 'excuse' for anything so far (except maybe now) so that's good.

Look, I wouldn't be OK with this sort of thing either. Id probably point out to him that $200 is half a plane ticket to come visit. But I'm not sure if it would be a deal breaker for me. We live in an extremely privileged society where padded bank accounts, expensive diamonds and new cars & houses are the norm. Plenty of people in the world get along just fine without these things.

If you decide it's not a deal breaker, I'm sure it won't be because chemistry and comparability are sooo rare, like Leigh is always saying- they're really not- but you might decide to stay because you are committed. Being committed to another person means that we accept that there are obstacles, and genuinely try to work through them before we consider bailing. Maybe you're not at that level of commitment at this point, and that's fine-- but being committed to someone is a perfectly good reason to stay in times of trouble. In fact, it's pretty much the only reason any relationships ever last.

If we followed all the 'rules' on Loveshack for why a partner isn't suitable, or good enough, all of us would be single. No doubt. There are things you will have to work out, things that would bother you, about every single human male on this earth if you had time to date them all!

Now no, I'm absolutely not saying that there aren't times when you have to cut your losses and move on. It's not the only option though. I like Blue's idea. I think you should move there as soon as you can. Spend time with him, see what he's really like day-to-day; it's the only thing that's gonna clarify all this for you. I really believe in taking risks in life, I think even when they don't work out, we are better for having taken them.

Edited April 21, 2016 by lissvarna

April 21, 2016

I don't think it is ever " too late" to become financially responsible.

People can change. And what sort of woman is attractive and intelligent and affable enough to land the guy they have the magnetic chemistry with, and who is also on 6 figures and highly compatible with them? Honestly, how many friends do you guys have that both fell for their partners instantly, had amazing magnetic chemistry and are both amazingly financially sound individuals? I certainly only know 2 women out of every women I know that are the sort of woman who can attract that type of man - but they are both very successful (as is Venus career wise) and they are, frankly, GORGEOUS.

So maybe Venus is one of those women who can have it all in a man. I am certainly not, and nor are any of the non stunning, uber successful women I know. We pick. Amazing butterflies and a guy who makes us laugh but who is poor or has a history of addiction or something - or the stable guy who we have no chemistry with. Most women pick unless they are stunning and have the myriad of options available to the most beautiful.

In regards to Venus' guy being in his 40s and still " not getting his act together"...I was irresponsible career wise my entire life; working several crappy jobs at once with the occasional solid job maybe twice in my entire life, just to travel the world rather then knuckle down at college and get a legit reliable career that had longevity.I am at college now. Being responsible and working my way towards a reasonable career now even at my age of 30. It is so hard I feel like I am suffocating in a sea of work most of the time. Yet I am doing very well at is thus far. I even work by choice in order to save for my future and have a comfortable life, despite being weighted down with work and having the option of not having to work in order to survive comfortably.

So as far as I know, people can change even later on life. Then again, there is strong evidence to suggest that people of a certain age tend to NOT change, too. There are exceptions to each rule. How uncommon is the exception? Is this man likely to just flat out never change irrespective of how hard he tries?

My own bf and I ARE facing the difficult choice to either have faith in one another, or to leave for someone more "responsible". He is a former drug addict and I am a woman who did not even have her act together at age 30! As you can see, I know all about giving people the benefit of the doubt. It is a huge risk though. But what else would we do? Would we really be happier being away from each other, for the sake of " bettering ourselves and getting financially responsible before we date"?

And again, it is all well and good that you are obviously attractive and desirable enough to attract hot men with great bank balances who you have wild chemistry with. Most women I know are not so lucky.Venus lamented at how hard it was for her to find a man with whom she shared something special with. I also find it easy to find men with whom I share chemistry with. However, it IS rare for magnetic chemistry to also come along with HIGH compatibility and mutual respect and admiration.

In the movie Train Wreck, is there not merit behind the scene with her sister telling her " you don't marry the best sex of your life; he's in jail". Therefore in my eyes based on my life experience, truly feeling " head over heels" in the deepest sense of the word is rare.Maybe if you are miss supermodel and can attract SUCH a huuuuge cross section of men, and you are in your early to mid 20's. Sure, then you are likely to have so many options that one of them is bound to be a great guy with whom you share amazing chemistry with.

I feel like Venus is stuck with the dilemma of knowing what she has is rare - but also knowing that if she wants kids, that holding out for the holy grail of relationships - the 6 figure salary and financially responsible man with he amazing chemistry and compatibility - is NOT feasible. I know this is harsh, but if she wants kids, she IS at an age where she DOES have to choose; the financially responsible guy with lesser (but still good) chemistry, or this guy with the white hot spark and the rare connection without the money or great sense of responsibility.

Venus does not have time to hold out and get it all in the one guy. There I said it. It is taboo isn't it, actually telling someone that.

What she CAN do, is work hard with this guy and have him on board also with it - to make the changes necessary to raise a family responsibly. together.

I do feel that I can relate to Venus - I am 30. I do not have much time left to decide whether I want kids. Sorry I do not believe having kids at 37 to 40 is an option for me. And also - like with her bf - my bf is an INJSANELY hard worker. He works 19 hr days sometimes. He just knows how to work hard and get the job done. I admire his work ethic, especially since at heart he prefers being lazy and chilling out rather than being active (outside of riding his motor bike).

SO I also have the very hard working bf who is not the best at saving.

Chances are, if I was hell bent at having kids ( it would be nice but I do not need them) I would ALSO be facing the dilemma; work myself to the bone in order to have a comfortable life since my bf may never be able to save much - or be single and settle for Mr 6 figure responsible guy who does not light my fire.

IdiotTree seems to be the only other poster who acknowledges that it is indeed very rare to have the connection alone, that Venus and her bf share - let alone having the financially responsible and "perfect on paper" guy to go along with it!

April 21, 2016

Lets brain storm a bit to try and help Venus ascertain what limit of financially responsibility she can handle and what his situation will likely mean for her How bad is it and what sort of consequences are we talking about here....

I believe they will afford food and necessities. With children even.

As it currently stands, if he makes no improvements, you will have to spend extra for the unforseen circumstances. Like car towing for instance. This can also lead to resentment in the long run - like, WHY can't he just grow up and get his act together? Venus has. And she may find it frustrating and libido killing to have to deal with a grown child when it comes to money!

So while you can feed yourselves and probably afford to raise a family on the bare essentials, you may not have much room to go out often or spend disposable income at all if he does not get his act together. Will being a home body and not being able to go on many date nights or afford much in the way of entertainment be the kind of lifestyle you can handle?

Do you feel that after college and working hard career wise, you are comfortable taking a hit in the quality of lifestyle because this man is financially irresponsible and you will, more than likely, have to sometimes pick up the bulk of financial hits during the more financially taxing months?

Are you willing to sacrifice the quality of life after you worked so hard to get to where you are work wise? This guy has not spend years on a degree. He doesn't understand that people like you busted their asses in order to get a decent quality of life.

There ARE men out there who earn enough to: allow you to be a stay at home mum, who you will never have to worry about financially. You could have a very comfortable life without ANY money trouble. SHORT TERM - the chemistry and connection you and this guy share seems more preferable to Mr responsible - but later on, you will likely be gritting your teeth and feeling resentful if this guy is in fact a man child who just cannot grow up and get responsible, leaving you to tend to the baby, clean the house and have to get back into work when the baby is 2 months old.

I can see it being a struggle at times to afford decent, nice food, night out with friends or as date nights alone and luxuries like new clothes from non bargain bin shops - IF they have kids and IF he remains as he is. But they probably won't struggle to put food on the table if they are two working adults.

So if the bare essentials and love is all she needs - and mutual respect and compatibility and all that jazz - she has got it by the sounds of things. With a college degree however and a decent career on her side, I am sure Venus wants MORE than affording the bare minimum. And may be resentful if her quality of life has to take a hit on account of her bf being irresponsible with money after they have kids....

Venus, does your bf have an option of working more hours? Maybe that is what he would need to do if you were to have children together, hypothetically. Would him working more and earning more money, in combination to saving a little better, be enough for you?While it may be unrealistic for him to totally change his ways, maybe you can both work a little harder towards the end goal; kids and raising a family together. Perhaps YOU could work more hours, just a few, and make a small sacrifice in your working life balance in order to acquire more wealth, in addition to HIM also working longer hours and spending a little less?

Ideally, he would just shape up and be responsible and not have to put in extra work and enable you to be a stay at home mum. But can you honestly see yourself finding what you have with this guy or the equivalent, with a financially sound man? I am suggesting that you BOTH make sacrifices in order to afford the lifestyle you want if you were to have children together.

Can you not write down a set budget that you BOTH have to stick to, and give a chance to see how much he really CAN improve?

So the main questions are: how likely is a 40 year old man likely to improve for a woman he would prob do anything for?

What quality of life are they likely to have as it stands, if he does not get his act together and they have a child together?

Would Venus' quality of life fall drastically in order to accommodate this man and his financial woes?

Is this just a matter of not affording the nice holidays and luxuries, or do they have a real chance at barely affording to put food on the table if they were to have a child together?

April 21, 2016

Or maybe you were one of the 1 in 2 million woman who got the earth shattering chemistry and connection with a mentally stable and financially desirable individual.

Seriously, you believe that only one out of 2 MILLION grown women can fall deeply in love with a man who is able to handle himself like an adult?

:laugh:

It's not true, OP.

The regular nuts and bolts of life are the things that break couples apart. No amount of this so-called EARTH SHATTERING CHEMISTRY () is going to stick a couple together if one, or both of them can't function successfully in real life. Dealing with all the messes would certainly put a big damper on the EARTH SHATTERING CHEMISTRY pretty quickly, I would think.

You don't live near each other, right? I'm pretty sure that if you did, you would have reached your limit by now.

April 21, 2016

I still maintain that what Venus has with this man is rare.

I don't personally know many couples who both, mutually, fell absolutely head over heels for one another and had 10/10 chemistry with amazing compatability.

I know two couples who have what venus has and with a financially responsible emotionally healthy man.

There is actually an entire website and dating guru, Evan Marc Katz, who stresseds that the amazing chemistry and the 10/10 compatability rarely ever happens simultaneously.

I don't personally think the average woman should hold out for the full package. I have it all besides a financially very stable man. Despite some hurdles associated with it, we are very happy despite not " having it all" on paper ( in this case we lack two well paid secure incomes). But you don't see us wanting to call it quits until we are both " financially stable ".

When it rains it pours

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