When it rains it pours

[venusishername]

You could totally bring up the last minute thing. Other girls have probably spoiled him into accepting dates this way so he may think that's how it's done. Tell him once sweetly what you prefer and see if he does it, that way you are not making him read your mind. If he doesn't fulfill your wishes, that right there is a clue to how he feels about you. Btw what OTHER girls, wtf?

 

I think that's fair.

I know, that was my reaction when he said that. Wtf? I just think he meant in general. He doesn't strike me as someone who's juggling or juggled a bunch of women at all. He explained that the reason he didn't follow through on his date suggestion back in July was because he was 'kinda on and off with someone else'. I believe that. Anyway that indicated to me that he wasn't one to date multiple women at a time.

Edited December 9, 2014 by venusishername

[Eighty_nine]

I don't think talking about the last minute thing will be useful. You either deal with it, or you don't. If you do eventually become a couple, times you two meet will become more predictable but probably he'll never be a planner.

 

Wouldn't dealing with it be talking about it? Being communicative is scary... because sometimes we won't hear the answer we want. But it's a must do. I was strung along for months and months with my last 'ex' and if I had communicated what I wanted (a real relationship, which he would've been clear he didn't) I could've dealt w/the pain then and avoided much more pain. I recently got the nerve to clearly communicate something to the current guy I'm dating and it went really well, and now I feel closer to him for it. I was scared to bring it up though, even though it was something relatively small. But I think as women we avoid these conversations sometimes to avoid hearing things that will let us know we need to end things and move on... but obviously it can also do a world of good for the budding relationship if you DO hear what you were hoping to hear (like in this case, him starting to make plans more in advance).

Edited December 9, 2014 by lissvarna

[venusishername]

Wouldn't dealing with it be talking about it? Being communicative is scary... because sometimes we won't hear the answer we want. But it's a must do. I was strung along for months and months with my last 'ex' and if I had communicated what I wanted (a real relationship, which he would've been clear he didn't) I could've dealt w/the pain then and avoided much more pain. I recently got the nerve to clearly communicate something to the current guy I'm dating and it went really well, and now I feel closer to him for it. I was scared to bring it up though, even though it was something relatively small. But I think as women we avoid these conversations sometimes to avoid hearing things that will let us know we need to end things and move on... but obviously it can also do a world of good for the budding relationship if you DO hear what you were hoping to hear (like in this case, him starting to make plans more in advance).

 

 

Yeah, I think it's best to talk about it at an appropriate time. I think it's important to be communicative about what you want right away, just in general. I'm still hesitating and unsure how to pick up the pace with him because I'm not clear what that means to him and what he is expecting to change. He brought it up. I guess that's a topic for the next time we see each other (and I wish I knew when that would be!)

 

 

Like tonight, I'm kinda expecting to hear from him, as I know he has the day off today. I'm working all day and had no definite plans for tonight but I'd like to make them. I mean, I want to go to the gym and make dinner at home, if he calls and wants to get together I'd certainly rather see him.. but if we planned in advance I could arrange to do those things another day.

 

 

Ultimately, I think I'm overanalyzing this unnecessarily. I tend to do that, I blame it on being Type A

[Purepony]

Here's my thinking and I don't mean it to sound negative it's just what I believe is reality because I've been in this situation I think he seeing someone else and he said that breaking point where he has to make a decision on which way he's going to go.

 

When you don't hear from him it could be that he is at work but sometimes it sounds like you just kind of disappears so my thinking is he's probably seeing someone else and He's narrowing it down.

 

I am curious to see where this is going to go

[venusishername]

Here's my thinking and I don't mean it to sound negative it's just what I believe is reality because I've been in this situation I think he seeing someone else and he said that breaking point where he has to make a decision on which way he's going to go.

 

When you don't hear from him it could be that he is at work but sometimes it sounds like you just kind of disappears so my thinking is he's probably seeing someone else and He's narrowing it down.

 

I am curious to see where this is going to go

 

Ugh, this just made my stomach turn. It's completely possible. But I really do think he would've mentioned that when I asked. Even if I didn't ask, I would think that he'd offer the info. If what you're saying is true, he straight up lied to me when he said, "I'm not seeing anyone else, I'm not talking to anyone else." He shows me respect so I don't think he'd continue with the physical stuff and saying what he did if he wasn't sure about it. Just going by my last experience with my ex...

He was casually seeing someone when we first met but he told me very soon after we started seeing each other, like within a matter of weeks. He then said he didn't think we should continue with a physical relationship for that reason. My ex was a complete manipulative ass, so I'm hoping if even he was honest enough to say that to me, then this guy would too.

Edited December 9, 2014 by venusishername

[myothernic2]

Ugh, this just made my stomach turn. It's completely possible. But I really do think he would've mentioned that when I asked. Even if I didn't ask, I would think that he'd offer the info. If what you're saying is true, he straight up lied to me when he said, "I'm not seeing anyone else, I'm not talking to anyone else." He shows me respect so I don't think he'd continue with the physical stuff and saying what he did if he wasn't sure about it. Just going by my last experience with my ex...

He was casually seeing someone when we first met but he told me very soon after we started seeing each other, like within a matter of weeks. He then said he didn't think we should continue with a physical relationship for that reason. My ex was a complete manipulative ass, so I'm hoping if even he was honest enough to say that to me, then this guy would too.

 

I think this could go either way with your guy at this point. But I do want to say that I like how you're always honest in your posts, even if it doesn't sound good (if he didn't call when you thought/wanted) or when good stuff happens you put it all out there. I respect that

[BluEyeL]

I think hes, by all means, ask him to make plans in advance. But I meant, if this is who he is, he will not change.

[venusishername]

More good news

I didn't have to bring up the planning ahead thing, because he called me last night and... we planned ahead. Ha, that wasn't so hard after all.

It's never been more than two days that have passed since our 'first' date that we haven't been in communication (very good sign!)

 

More good signs:

Yesterday evening, I was feeling blue about some work related stuff. He called and I had left my phone at home while I was out exercising. I didn't see it until an hour or so later, and called him back. He said he was thinking about me earlier and wondered how I was doing. How was work? And I told him about what happened at work that caused me to be upset. What he told me made me realize that he is sincere and actually cares. He said, "I want you to call me and talk to me about these kinds of things... if something's upsetting you or you need something from me, I want to know!"

I've still been holding back emotionally.. but now he's letting me know it's ok to open up! (this is why I've been so selective, because I need someone caring and kind like he is).

Then he told me that he'd like it if I initiated more...as far as communicating. I was trying not to appear too eager or needy, and be aloof and not always available... but he doesn't seem to care about that. He just wants to talk to me. I think he's fair in asking for that. It is a two way street.

 

He then asked what the next few days looked like for me, and I told him I was open except for Friday, and he seemed interested in coming along with me to that event. He then suggested today, and that he'd call me once he was off work so we could make dinner plans.

 

He's doing everything right so far. I'm still not completely convinced and I don't believe or think "this is it!" but I do know for a fact that his interest is sincere and it's not just something casual and about sex. He's actions are matching the words. My trust is growing..

A good handful of men haven't treated me very well, since I've usually pushed the good ones away in the past. I think he's one of the good ones for sure. I also think it's great that he's letting me know it's ok to open up to him more. That means a lot to me, although it may seem trivial.

Edited December 10, 2014 by venusishername

[BluEyeL]

Sounds good. Have fun tonight!

[venusishername]

Wow.

Things just keep getting better! He called right on cue last night like he said he would, and told me that he's been so busy this week and has some catching up to do at home, but that it would be his only free night in the next few days so we better make it happen and if it was ok with me, come over and he would cook dinner for us.

 

I have one concern so far, but I think it can be overcome or improved upon. Everything else is gelling and the connection is really there. He's considerate, respectful, and is very clearly interested. We have a lot in common and have plenty to talk about. He's smart, funny, sharp, and I'm finding we share important values (like strong work ethic and wanting a family. HUGE!) I am confident that this is heading in the right direction.

I don't need a label right now or to ask him whether he's still on Tinder (because he's dating me and I can tell I am the focus of his attention). I don't need to hear from his mouth if he's sleeping with anyone else because he's sleeping with me and I don't feel insecure about it anymore.

 

I was able to open up about my concern at work and talk to him about it...and I'm glad I did because he made me see it in a positive light! I do enjoy being around him for that reason.. he has a good attitude and is positive and happy person. Makes me feel more alive myself.

I felt like a major ass this morning when I got pouty (didn't let him see) that he didn't feel like having a morning roll in the hay before heading to work. It turns out that he injured himself at work the day before and was in terrible pain. He had jumped out of bed not because he didn't want me but because he was in excruciating pain having sprained his wrist. Trying to be a tough guy.. I know men don't like to be TOO fawned over, so I just gave him a little massage while he iced his wrist and asked if there was anything I could do. He still wanted to take me out for coffee this morning before dropping me off. What a doll.

 

Now I see no reason to hold back, or play hard to get or be aloof. I need to open myself up to this man because he's proving that I can trust him.

 

My only concern is that we are not 'as' sexually compatible as I'd like to be. Maybe this is something I can show/tell him. He seems much less experienced than I am in that department. This has never been an issue for me before. I always dated men who were older than me.. and therefore more experienced in sex than me. Without being too graphic, he always finishes really quickly (which I guess I could take as flattering) but doesn't exert much 'control' as to prolonging it so that I can have that opportunity too! It's happened a few times that I wished he would make that happen BEFORE he goes for it. Not sure how to 'communicate' that...

[BluEyeL]

I'm not sure if this has to do with experience but with how he is in bed.

 

My BF is technically very inexperienced (49 yo and I'm only the third woman he ever slept with) but he always makes sure we both are satisfied. I would be quite offended if the guy wouldn't make sure of that on a regular basis. One off here and there where he gets his and I don't get mine, OK, but generally, for me, he must make sure I get mine too. I wouldn't be able to do long term with someone selfish in bed.

 

Perhaps you can ask for what you need. Every woman is different and you know what makes you happy. You could ask for it and see if he improves.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Is it inexperience or just selfishness? I have had some less experienced partners and they were always damned sure I enjoyed myself as much as possible before they were done. I don't think you need to be very (or at all) experienced to know that sex should be about mutual satisfaction. It's not at all flattering that a guy would be so focused on himself that he repeatedly finishes without particularly noticing or caring

 

I'm assuming you guys can have pretty frank conversations about sex. Next time, tell him that it's more enjoyable for you when it lasts longer. If you're really worried about bruising his ego you could try to make it sound like you're the one with the problem; that try as you might you just can't finish without a lot of time, and won't he please be patient with you? Obviously, I'd hope you're dating a guy who doesn't require such tactics, but if you think it'd be easier then go for it.

[venusishername]

I don't think it's about his selfishness... I think I just need to communicate and tell him what I need. For being just a month in, we have yet to have frank conversations about sex. But... that is coming.

 

Geez, the fact that this is the least of my dating worries right now is a breath of fresh air compared to my past experiences wondering 'is he interested? why hasn't he texted? what does that sentence mean? when will I hear from him again?'

Makes this seem like a piece of cake Now I know better. It should be this simple.

Edited December 11, 2014 by venusishername

[Eighty_nine]

It's difficult to have frank conversations about sex. Definitely takes a little bit of time, but then it makes such a difference after you're able to talk about it. Happy things are going well

[venusishername]

Thank you, things are going well. But...

 

I'm struggling with a sexual compatibility problem. I feel like an ass for complaining when he's being so good to me and doing everything else right! This has never been a problem for me before.

 

We are still seeing each other twice a week, he makes most of the initiative, he calls me often, the phone calls are becoming more frequent, he took me out to dinner last night, our conversations are great, we laugh, have things in common, can talk to each other about things, etc. He checks in with me when we don't see each other and remembers what I said I'd be doing, asks how it was, he's listening, he cares, he's affectionate,he even told me he missed me the other day!

 

After dinner last night, I asked him to stay with me and we watched a movie, he was touching me and being affectionate.. but he doesn't initiate sexual touching or sex.. at least not often. I have to be the one to do it.

I mean, we are very attracted to each other, but he isn't physically aggressive with me and that has never happened to me before. Usually with a guy I'm getting involved with at any stage can't keep his paws off me. I know he's interested, but he doesn't have the appetite I do or that I think I need.

 

Last night it did happen but we didn't make it to intercourse, which is obviously what I want..and I told him what I wanted and he did that so it wasn't like I was unsatisfied. Sex hasn't happened every time we see each other, it's been about once a week. But he spent the night last night and in the morning had obviously no desire to do it. He seemed totally distracted by the things he had to do today on his day off, not in the naked woman next to him. Still being affectionate and present, just not wanting me.

I brought it up. I said sometimes I wonder if he really wants me, that he's not physically demonstrative, and he seemed completely perplexed by that question. I said maybe it's just a difference in appetite, and he said yes, he thinks that's it.

He was teasing me and told me to RELAX, he had these things to do but he'll see me later. He teased me the other morning too, how he's figured out my demons.. sex and coffee. He's right. He took me to get coffee, but he didn't give me sex.

 

I have a very high sex drive, but have never been with a man who didn't match it. I expect the man I'm seeing to want to sleep with me often. He doesn't touch me sexually unless it's during the act. There have been a handful of times that's happened but it's not the norm. The fact that the past two mornings we've been together in bed he just pops out of there has really bothered me. I'm attractive, he thinks I'm attractive, obviously...I'm just used to men being much more physically aggressive and being very forward that they WANT me. I like being grabbed and pushed into bed, or kissed passionately on the sidewalk, and carried into the bedroom and have my clothes torn off. I want to wake up in the morning with a man I'm seeing twice a week and have him pull me into him. I don't want to be viewed as a sex object, but I am very sexual and this isn't working for me.

 

Like I said, he's doing everything else right, I'm just not happy with that aspect. I'm not sure if that's something that can be improved. We aren't seeing each other that often (twice a week) so there's plenty of time to build up sex drive if he's not a very sexual person...

I would hate to end something that's good in every other way and regret letting go of a good man who genuinely enjoys being with me other than just sex... but he's leaving me wanting much more.

 

I don't know if it's something that will take time, or something that's a deal breaker. In the first months of dating, I expect sex to be very frequent. If it's like this now, what will it be like months and years into it?

Edited December 15, 2014 by venusishername

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

This is exactly why I don't advocate waiting a very long time before having sex with a new partner. Yes, you should spend some time establishing yourselves outside the bedroom and getting to know each other, but sexual compatibility is a fundamental issue.

 

It sounds like he genuinely has a low sex drive, which is okay but maybe a dealbreaker; and he doesn't seem willing to meet your needs, which is definitely a dealbreaker for me. Teasing you about your "demons" without making any particular effort to address the problem is a d-ck move. I would go stark raving mad if I only had sex once per week, much less during the honeymoon period. You're in your sexual prime with a new guy! You ought to be having so much sex that you miss your dinner reservations (um, not that I speak from experience or anything.)

 

You know what your needs are, and this isn't an unreasonable one. You've tried bringing it up and he's more or less blown you off. You should be fair to this guy, but don't try to force a square peg in a round hole. The decision is yours.

[cif]

Even people with low sex drives would want sex more in a new relationship, no? My money is on him seeing/sleeping with other people. Don't shy away from doing detective work. You should be snooping. You don't know this guy or his intentions yet. But I haven't read the entire thread so might be wrong.

 

As a side, when sex is good in a relationship it accounts for 10%, when bad 90%.

[venusishername]

It sounds like he genuinely has a low sex drive, which is okay but maybe a dealbreaker; and he doesn't seem willing to meet your needs, which is definitely a dealbreaker for me. Teasing you about your "demons" without making any particular effort to address the problem is a d-ck move. I would go stark raving mad if I only had sex once per week, much less during the honeymoon period. You're in your sexual prime with a new guy! You ought to be having so much sex that you miss your dinner reservations (um, not that I speak from experience or anything.)

You know what your needs are, and this isn't an unreasonable one. You've tried bringing it up and he's more or less blown you off. You should be fair to this guy, but don't try to force a square peg in a round hole. The decision is yours.

 

I'm really upset about this. I don't believe he meant to pull a d-ick move, I just genuinely believe he's not at my level of appetite and is far more inexperienced than me. He doesn't seem to not care or not be willing to meet my needs... I'm just not sure.

However, I agree that I am in my sexual prime with a new guy and I am just completely thrown off about the lack of sex and initiative that's happening. He and I both are 30, this should be our prime either way!! I know it's certainly mine....

For the first YEAR my ex and I were together, we had sex pretty much daily, we couldn't keep our hands off each other, and missed a birthday party due to screwing all day. That's what I want again. I guess it's really difficult to get it all, isn't it?

I could dump him and start from square one and take a crap shoot on the sea of men who are out there, but then I think, he's so kind and he seems really into me... and am I willing to give this a little benefit of the doubt to give him a fair chance? Maybe it's something that could take a little time to 'open up'.

Each time there's been something that 'bothers' me that's come up so far, I never have needed to bring it up because he seems to naturally and intuitively rise to the occasion. i.e. like planning ahead, more 'real' dates, a bit more emotionally opening up, etc. Maybe this is one of those things.

 

I wouldn't even know how to bring it up or in the worst case scenario break it off with him and explain why. I never thought this would be an issue in my dating life.

 

Even people with low sex drives would want sex more in a new relationship, no? My money is on him seeing/sleeping with other people. Don't shy away from doing detective work. You should be snooping. You don't know this guy or his intentions yet. But I haven't read the entire thread so might be wrong. As a side, when sex is good in a relationship it accounts for 10%, when bad 90%.

 

Well, first of all, the sex IS good, when it happens.

And I am nearly 100% sure he's not seeing or sleeping with anyone else.

I asked him that some weeks ago, and made it clear I don't want to continue having a physical relationship if that's the case. You are right, I don't know for CERTAIN. I just have his word. That's about as good as I can get. I don't believe in snooping.. where would I snoop?! Take his phone while he's asleep?? Never. Even the guys I dated completely casually and were most certainly seeing/sleeping with other women, they STILL couldn't keep their hands off me and we never had any sexual compatibility issues. Every time we saw each other we were very much on the same level of lust.

 

He calls or texts me every day, said that he had missed me, he seems genuine and I trust he does have good intentions. He's putting in the effort and he is physically affectionate, and I can tell by the way he looks at me that he's attracted to me.

However, if the sexual part of it were at the level I want it to be, I believe that would step up the pace of our relationship so much more. It's lacking.

I'm so disappointed. I hope that it will improve. I wanted to fall in love, and he seemed so far to be worthy of opening my heart... but here I am, lonely and disappointed.. especially this time of year. I'm sad that it's not naturally progressing to the next level and I think sex would help that along very much

 

I think that within the next few weeks I'll become more certain about whether or not I want to continue this. So far, I do want to... but he's going to need to step it up. Like I've said, each time I feel a little disappointed or like I want more out of this, he delivers without me having to ask. So my hope is that by new year's time, I will have my answer.

Edited December 16, 2014 by venusishername

[Eighty_nine]

Even people with low sex drives would want sex more in a new relationship, no? My money is on him seeing/sleeping with other people. Don't shy away from doing detective work. You should be snooping. You don't know this guy or his intentions yet. But I haven't read the entire thread so might be wrong.

 

As a side, when sex is good in a relationship it accounts for 10%, when bad 90%.

 

This is a pretty drastic assumption and I'd say there's almost no evidence that this is true. If he had a higher sex drive (I guess), he'd want sex in the morning regardless if he was sleeping with some other chick that night.

 

But Venus, I guess I'm wondering why it's such an issue to you... are you sure you don't use lots of sex to calm anxiety you may have about your relationships, for whatever reason? Are you upset because you want to get laid more, or because you're worried it means something about what he's feeling for you? I'd consider myself a pretty sexually charged person but I don't think this would bother me so much. Quality of sex would, but not quantity. Maybe it is just a very high need for sex but you should probably ask yourself if it has to do w/your own insecurities?

 

How little sex are you having... did you say it's like once a week, and doesn't happen every time you see each other? I don't think that's super abnormal... if you're seeing each other twice a week, anyway. If you start seeing him 4+ times a week and are still only having sex once a week, then I could see the problem.

[venusishername]

But Venus, I guess I'm wondering why it's such an issue to you... are you sure you don't use lots of sex to calm anxiety you may have about your relationships, for whatever reason? Are you upset because you want to get laid more, or because you're worried it means something about what he's feeling for you? I'd consider myself a pretty sexually charged person but I don't think this would bother me so much. Quality of sex would, but not quantity. Maybe it is just a very high need for sex but you should probably ask yourself if it has to do w/your own insecurities?

How little sex are you having... did you say it's like once a week, and doesn't happen every time you see each other? I don't think that's super abnormal... if you're seeing each other twice a week, anyway. If you start seeing him 4+ times a week and are still only having sex once a week, then I could see the problem.

 

I really never thought about it this way. But his drive compared to each and every other man I've ever been with is much, much lower.

I don't expect constant sex, but the fact that he didn't even look up and watch me as I walked around the bedroom naked, or even reach out and TOUCH me in the morning is a major problem for me! I know he's attracted to me, but yes, this is making me question whether he is interested in me at the level I want. I need some passion in my relationships, that is a MUST. Maybe that's unhealthy, maybe I'm using sex to quell some insecurity, but I know that I have a healthy appetite and I want to feel desired and looked at in a sexual way by the man I am dating. I'm not saying he doesn't, but so far, it's just not enough.

 

The other night I was wearing a top that accentuated my assets in the hopes he would be more aggressive in taking the top off. That wasn't the case, although his eyes were there. He just didn't try! He doesn't touch me enough, although he can be affectionate.

 

I think it's both that you mention: I'm extremely sexually aroused around him and also because yes, I wonder how much he really wants me in that way. Seriously, every other guy I've been with in my life has been at my level of drive, or more. I realize I'm 30 now and mens' drives lessen, but I've been with men in their 30's before, and that still hasn't been an issue.

 

I'm seriously considering breaking it off with him, but I feel like a jerk without giving it due time. We have been seeing each other twice a week, and are physical every time, but sex only once a week, if that.

 

What really upset me is that he left yesterday morning, after taunting me about it, and I haven't heard from him since. I even sent a text shortly after making a little joke about it and still nothing. I mean, his response should've been indicative of 'I'll take care of you later' at least. If he wants this to progress, I'm afraid it's not going to if the sex doesn't step up. I think that's a pretty damn vital part of a budding relationship going to the next level.

 

Last week, I was still amped up and excited about this, but now my interest is starting to wane. I was going to invite him to dinner tomorrow, we'd have a chance to be alone again at my home, but now I'm not so keen on that idea. I'm not so anxious to see him now after what just happened, and the fact that it seems to be a pattern.

 

Should I give this a fair chance and be more patient? I'm afraid he may not be able to keep my interest if this doesn't change very soon.

[PogoStick]

You should be fair to this guy, but don't try to force a square peg in a round hole. The decision is yours.

 

I missed the part where this guy has a square peg. Ouch!

[PogoStick]

How little sex are you having... did you say it's like once a week, and doesn't happen every time you see each other? I don't think that's super abnormal... if you're seeing each other twice a week, anyway. If you start seeing him 4+ times a week and are still only having sex once a week, then I could see the problem.

 

When I'm seeing a new girl, typically once a week, it's actually a noticeable event when we don't have sex. It happened with a girl this year after about 4-5 months; we didn't have sex and she actually pointed it out "Wow this is the first time we've been together (excluding the first date) and NOT had sex!". I forget the reason why, her period? sick? And well, usually we have sex twice before we part for the evening.

 

Signed,

36 y/o man

[PogoStick]

Should I give this a fair chance and be more patient? I'm afraid he may not be able to keep my interest if this doesn't change very soon.

 

What concerns me is that you haven't even discussed the issue with him. You say he's great in other respects so it's sad you're willing to throw that away. Why wouldn't you see if the issue can be fixed? It's unfair to expect him to just know or get it right when you haven't communicated your concern.

 

On the flip side, I can see how this might be something where his natural instincts are important. I feel sexuality is something that can be difficult to learn (or fake). Maybe he can move a bit in the direction you want, but does he really have "it". Or maybe he does have it, and is a tiger waiting to be uncaged. Maybe he's afraid of making you think that all he wants is sex, and you letting him know you want it will set him free.

[venusishername]

What concerns me is that you haven't even discussed the issue with him. You say he's great in other respects so it's sad you're willing to throw that away. Why wouldn't you see if the issue can be fixed? It's unfair to expect him to just know or get it right when you haven't communicated your concern.

 

On the flip side, I can see how this might be something where his natural instincts are important. I feel sexuality is something that can be difficult to learn (or fake). Maybe he can move a bit in the direction you want, but does he really have "it". Or maybe he does have it, and is a tiger waiting to be uncaged. Maybe he's afraid of making you think that all he wants is sex, and you letting him know you want it will set him free.

 

Thank you for this insight. I feel like I did bring it up the other morning but I suppose that I could actually talk to him about it in a serious context.

Yes, he's a great guy, we have a wonderful connection and he treats me well. I'm attracted to him very much and I really enjoy his company.

I'd like to see if it can be fixed before breaking it off. I think it's too soon for that but I am not sure how to broach the subject.

 

I think he does have "it", I've seen it come out. It came out the first night we met, and has come out since, just not consistently.

 

I really like what you said about a tiger in a cage, and by letting him know (which I tried to) will set it free.

 

What do you suggest I say?? I told him the other morning that I was frustrated because he doesn't seem to initiate sexually... and it makes me wonder if he's really interested in that way...I sent a text after he left making a sexual joke indicating I wanted him, and he didn't respond.

 

 

What can I do?? Please help :/

Edited December 16, 2014 by venusishername

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Or maybe he does have it, and is a tiger waiting to be uncaged. Maybe he's afraid of making you think that all he wants is sex, and you letting him know you want it will set him free.

 

But she did bring it up with him. She asked if he really wanted her, saying she didn't feel desired, and his answer boiled down to "well, I guess we're different". He basically had an invitation to give in to his wildest passions and he didn't. That speaks volumes.

 

Venus, it ultimately doesn't matter whether this is a biological and/or psychological issue. What matters is that he's content with the way things are. If this is who he is, you can't change him. Communicate your needs again, and be clear that it's non-negotiable, but don't hold out hope that he'll become a different person. I also think it's a little rude that he didn't respond to your text. How long does it take to craft a quick reply, or even just a kissy-face emoji? If someone ignored my overtures I would feel vulnerable and rejected.

 

And I completely agree with PogoStick that sex once per week at the beginning is unusual. Since my boyfriend and I started having sex five months ago we've had sex every single time we met up, often three or four times at a stretch. We're planning a party after the first time we go without. I think that's normal for most new couples, really.