When it rains it pours

[clia]

 

What exactly do I need to know before deciding if he is the right guy for me? Is there an 'aha' moment or is it just a matter of deciding if the seemingly incompatible things weigh out the compatibilities? If I was clear on that it would be easy to make a move to close the distance. I'm the one hesitating, and he has an offer on the table for me. He seems to be much more sure than I am, I feel.

And- I've been with guys (including two long term boyfriends) that I 'thought' were the right guy for me at the time, until the relationship ended. What I mean to say is, I can't think of one example with a man that I've dated for more than a couple months that I felt "he's not the right guy for me". Well, I take that back. Maybe one. Mainly because we didn't have the physical chemistry. He did everything else right, though.

I can't really put a finger on what isn't "right" with my current guy. I can't say for certain "He's not the right guy for me".

 

 

There may not be an "aha!" moment. I just don't see how you can get closer to knowing whether the compatibility is there unless you are living in the same city and can spend some real time together that isn't a vacation.

 

The issues you raise above are the same issues that have been troubling you since the very beginning. Obviously these things are nagging at you. You can't really know (IMO) if you can live with this stuff unless you get a chance to see it all much more up close and personal than you have to date.

 

So, ultimately, to figure this out, one of you is going to have to take the plunge. IMO. It's obviously not going to be easy. Only you can decide whether there is enough there to make it worth the risk.

[No_Go]

The issues you raise above are the same issues that have been troubling you since the very beginning. Obviously these things are nagging at you. You can't really know (IMO) if you can live with this stuff unless you get a chance to see it all much more up close and personal than you have to date.

This ^

 

Venus, I understand that you're not moving with him because he didn't propose to you, but I think you're not doing yourself a favor by not making an effort to close the distance.

 

Actually I believe even 2-4 full weeks of regular time with him i.e. NOT a vacation mode with going out every night etc would tell you whether you're compatible or not. If you're white collar - can you work remotely? E.g. you go to New Orleans, and either take an AirBnB or stay with him, but you DON'T take a holiday, just work remotely. He continues working as well, just moves on with his regular life. That's how you'd see each other in day-to-day situations, not in romantic light. Most companies that I know of are very accommodating for this type of arrangements, would this be an option for you?

 

 

There may not be an "aha!" moment. I just don't see how you can get closer to knowing whether the compatibility is there unless you are living in the same city and can spend some real time together that isn't a vacation.

 

The issues you raise above are the same issues that have been troubling you since the very beginning. Obviously these things are nagging at you. You can't really know (IMO) if you can live with this stuff unless you get a chance to see it all much more up close and personal than you have to date.

 

So, ultimately, to figure this out, one of you is going to have to take the plunge. IMO. It's obviously not going to be easy. Only you can decide whether there is enough there to make it worth the risk.

[Sunkissedpatio]

The Airbnb for a few months is an excellent idea! There has to be a way to close that gap you are putting all the onus on this guys to ask you to marry you when he is feeling the same uncertainties. It's not fair to expect that.

 

And I also fully agree it is less about the conpatibilies which you clearly have, otherwise you wouldn't be with him for this long, but it's about the flaws you are willing to live with and that is what I think you may not fully be exposed to yet.

[BluEyeL]

The Airbnb for a few months is an excellent idea! There has to be a way to close that gap you are putting all the onus on this guys to ask you to marry you when he is feeling the same uncertainties. It's not fair to expect that.

 

And I also fully agree it is less about the conpatibilies which you clearly have, otherwise you wouldn't be with him for this long, but it's about the flaws you are willing to live with and that is what I think you may not fully be exposed to yet.

 

I think I was the first to suggest a temporary move a while back, but venus seems to be deadset against this. So there is not much to be done, although I 100% agree that the main issue for making a decision here is the inability to observe each other in a day to day environment. It's seems to be a gridlock from that point of view.

[No_Go]

I think I was the first to suggest a temporary move a while back, but venus seems to be deadset against this. So there is not much to be done, although I 100% agree that the main issue for making a decision here is the inability to observe each other in a day to day environment. It's seems to be a gridlock from that point of view.

 

Yes, but I think her explanation was that she may lose her job if she takes a leave of absence or a long vacation.

 

However, now that she said she works an office job, I though she probably does NOT need to stop working. My current boss is doing this all the time - working remotely from the house of her long-distance partner 2x month for few days. For people in IT, consulting etc, that's the new normal. Depending on Venus' job - she may be able to do that if she wants to (obviously it is not an option for her BF who is doing physical work).

[BluEyeL]

Yes, but I think her explanation was that she may lose her job if she takes a leave of absence or a long vacation.

 

However, now that she said she works an office job, I though she probably does NOT need to stop working. My current boss is doing this all the time - working remotely from the house of her long-distance partner 2x month for few days. For people in IT, consulting etc, that's the new normal. Depending on Venus' job - she may be able to do that if she wants to (obviously it is not an option for her BF who is doing physical work).

 

I don't know. Some people can work remotely, some can't, even in office jobs. I don't know what her situation at work is. I think she feels a move is too drastic, too much of an effort of her part for something that she's not quite sure it's worth it.

[venusishername]

I don't know. Some people can work remotely, some can't, even in office jobs. I don't know what her situation at work is. I think she feels a move is too drastic, too much of an effort of her part for something that she's not quite sure it's worth it.

I can't keep this job and work remotely. I would have to quit my job and find a new one. I have not asked to take an indefinite leave, I would think they would say no way. Blue is right... I'm not sure enough to quit my job and move across the country. If I was, I would do it.

 

But if you're going to marry, it should be someone who gives you that feeling, with a strong confidence in a happy future together. A guy who loves you deeply isn't enough if you don't feel the same way, and especially if you're hesitant about what your life together would entail.

 

Now I'm really curious. A tasteless joke is one thing, but I can't imagine something so bad that you would have walked out. Was he apologizing because you were upset or because he genuinely regretted his words? Either way I can't see how this would matter too much unless it was indicative of bigotry. I do think it's weird that a 42-year-old man is saying things that would cause you to walk out in public, though.

He made a rude and tasteless comment involving the word "tits". Maybe I'm hypersensitive but if he had yelled that out in front of me like a frat boy, I would have been humiliated. I guess I can let it go, and I'm sure he apologized because it upset me, he thought at the time it was funny or something. He doesn't genuinely regret it. He just apologized for being disrespectful and that it made me upset.

 

I understand now what you mean about not 'feeling it' for your ex. I don't feel that way about my guy. There are a lot of unknowns, and I don't know for sure about our future and am not 100% sure we are compatible, but I would be excited and happy to think of marrying him. I wouldn't be running to the altar, if it wasn't clear as day already, I don't know for sure yet.

 

Everything, EVERYTHING you have written about this man lately falls under core compatibility strengths that a person can look for to form a solid relationship. With the exception of the uncomfortable comments he made to you in public (which can totally be dealt with and discussed so that he knows how that makes you feel uncomfortable and to be avoided going forward) everything you have said here so far in terms of what this man offers you is all that you can wish for from man, a mate and a partner.

 

If the attraction is there, you ARE looking at your compatibility dead smack in the face.

 

There is nothing more after that Venus.

 

The only thing left is to see how you relate day to day face to face, that is the only unknown right now.

 

 

You are chasing unicorns by dissecting and scrutinizing every aspect of your relationship, and this man, and you are sabotaging something good because you have to make a decision you don't want to make. You need to decide if you want to take the leap or not and it seems you decided you are not ready to do that at this point. And neither is he right now and it is making you look for faults to ease the reality that he too is not quite ready to gamble it all for the move.

 

You are both in the same position right now.

 

But please, please, stop sabotaging and looking for faults in this man where there are far less than others are telling your there are.

 

The compatibility is there.

Alright. Maybe I am chasing unicorns. I think the distance is a recipe for disaster as far as spinning thoughts like these. I think that is the only problem right now.

 

The traits I think are critical for a happy life long partnership though are present and thus I choose to always look for the positive and not for the negative. I always choose positive thoughts. I think it's necessary to do that for any marriage to survive the ups and downs.

 

So my advice would be to maybe write down 3-5 traits (no more than that) that you think make for a successful marriage and if he has them, let go of the other things (what he said in public, and going through security with bags of liquids etc). If he doesn't have them, better to move on.

This is a good idea. I know I have been focusing too much on the negative lately.

 

The Airbnb for a few months is an excellent idea! There has to be a way to close that gap you are putting all the onus on this guys to ask you to marry you when he is feeling the same uncertainties. It's not fair to expect that.

 

And I also fully agree it is less about the conpatibilies which you clearly have, otherwise you wouldn't be with him for this long, but it's about the flaws you are willing to live with and that is what I think you may not fully be exposed to yet.

I don't have the money in a lump sum to buy Airbnb for a couple months with no job lined up. I would have to live with him for at least a couple weeks or a month, until I found a job and got a paycheck in order to afford Airbnb or a sublet for that matter. That is why I was considering a short term stay with him for about a month, while keeping my own place here, and deciding what to do from that point on.

 

I think I was the first to suggest a temporary move a while back, but venus seems to be deadset against this. So there is not much to be done, although I 100% agree that the main issue for making a decision here is the inability to observe each other in a day to day environment. It's seems to be a gridlock from that point of view.

Yes, it is a gridlock. I think that that is the only REAL, concrete problem about this relationship right now. All the other issues I'm analyzing don't matter now because we aren't even dating day to day in person. I don't know how I can give up my job and my place for something temporary. I have an appointment with my therapist this week. Thank God. I just feel it would be stupid to risk losing my good job, and not being able to sublet my place legally and having to put all my stuff in storage and not have a place to live. I love my place, I just hate living with a roommate, I would rather live with the man I love. As great as my place is, it's lonely.

 

Yes, but I think her explanation was that she may lose her job if she takes a leave of absence or a long vacation.

 

However, now that she said she works an office job, I though she probably does NOT need to stop working. My current boss is doing this all the time - working remotely from the house of her long-distance partner 2x month for few days. For people in IT, consulting etc, that's the new normal. Depending on Venus' job - she may be able to do that if she wants to (obviously it is not an option for her BF who is doing physical work).

I can't work remotely at my current firm. I would have to find another job.

[GemmaUK]

It sounds to me more and more like you aren't compatible - he isn't who you want.

You want marriage more than anything from what you've said - you say you would be very happy to marry him in your last post - but over and above that you aren't happy with him as he is - something which has come out on here time and time again.

 

He isn't for you, stop making it all about the lease deadline - there is no deadline when you feel it's right.

This is not your man - it's blatant from your posts.

[No_Go]

Ok, now that you said you cannot work remotely, how many vacation days you have in your current job? Even if it is two weeks, heck even one full week (.e. You fly Friday night, spend the ENTIRE week there, and fly back after 10 nights, on Monday morning) - this will be better than what you're doing now.

 

Just do your stuf there, maybe look for jobs (even if it is just for practice, it can't hurt and you're not losing anything).

 

Can you afford that? 10 nights in an AirBnB (room in NO) will be maybe $500-$700 dollars if that... I think it is worth the investment to learn if the guy that you want to MARRY is compatible with you in his day-toady life (work, errands etc, not romantic dinners etc).

 

I'd repeat myself - but if you decide to do it - DON'T move in his home, DON'T engage in 'vacation' activities - just test how you function when you're both busy and not lovey-dovey.

 

I can't keep this job and work remotely. I would have to quit my job and find a new one. I have not asked to take an indefinite leave, I would think they would say no way. Blue is right... I'm not sure enough to quit my job and move across the country. If I was, I would do it.

 

 

He made a rude and tasteless comment involving the word "tits". Maybe I'm hypersensitive but if he had yelled that out in front of me like a frat boy, I would have been humiliated. I guess I can let it go, and I'm sure he apologized because it upset me, he thought at the time it was funny or something. He doesn't genuinely regret it. He just apologized for being disrespectful and that it made me upset.

 

I understand now what you mean about not 'feeling it' for your ex. I don't feel that way about my guy. There are a lot of unknowns, and I don't know for sure about our future and am not 100% sure we are compatible, but I would be excited and happy to think of marrying him. I wouldn't be running to the altar, if it wasn't clear as day already, I don't know for sure yet.

 

 

Alright. Maybe I am chasing unicorns. I think the distance is a recipe for disaster as far as spinning thoughts like these. I think that is the only problem right now.

 

 

This is a good idea. I know I have been focusing too much on the negative lately.

 

 

I don't have the money in a lump sum to buy Airbnb for a couple months with no job lined up. I would have to live with him for at least a couple weeks or a month, until I found a job and got a paycheck in order to afford Airbnb or a sublet for that matter. That is why I was considering a short term stay with him for about a month, while keeping my own place here, and deciding what to do from that point on.

 

 

Yes, it is a gridlock. I think that that is the only REAL, concrete problem about this relationship right now. All the other issues I'm analyzing don't matter now because we aren't even dating day to day in person. I don't know how I can give up my job and my place for something temporary. I have an appointment with my therapist this week. Thank God. I just feel it would be stupid to risk losing my good job, and not being able to sublet my place legally and having to put all my stuff in storage and not have a place to live. I love my place, I just hate living with a roommate, I would rather live with the man I love. As great as my place is, it's lonely.

 

 

I can't work remotely at my current firm. I would have to find another job.

[venusishername]

It sounds to me more and more like you aren't compatible - he isn't who you want.

You want marriage more than anything from what you've said - you say you would be very happy to marry him in your last post - but over and above that you aren't happy with him as he is - something which has come out on here time and time again.

 

He isn't for you, stop making it all about the lease deadline - there is no deadline when you feel it's right.

This is not your man - it's blatant from your posts.

I'm getting more and more confused with the discrepancy of the posts I read here. I'm blatantly not compatible vs. Completely compatible, I don't know what my own heart tells me anymore. I think I need a break from LS and really need to rely on my own heart, not other people's opinions. I see that they are all over the board and it makes it very confusing for me.

 

Ok, now that you said you cannot work remotely, how many vacation days you have in your current job? Even if it is two weeks, heck even one full week (.e. You fly Friday night, spend the ENTIRE week there, and fly back after 10 nights, on Monday morning) - this will be better than what you're doing now.

 

Just do your stuf there, maybe look for jobs (even if it is just for practice, it can't hurt and you're not losing anything).

 

Can you afford that? 10 nights in an AirBnB (room in NO) will be maybe $500-$700 dollars if that... I think it is worth the investment to learn if the guy that you want to MARRY is compatible with you in his day-toady life (work, errands etc, not romantic dinners etc).

 

I'd repeat myself - but if you decide to do it - DON'T move in his home, DON'T engage in 'vacation' activities - just test how you function when you're both busy and not lovey-dovey.

 

I don't have enough vacation days remaining this year because I have been traveling back and forth for the past year because of this LDR. I am fed up with the trips and vacations for now. I don't want any more trips and vacation time with him until after we have spent time together on a real, daily basis. The only way I can do that, since he doesn't seem to be making any steps either to move to me, is to quit my job and move to NO and get my own place. I don't have enough time to do that before my lease is up, so I am choosing to renew my lease and sublet for a month or so illegally if need be. The thing I struggle with the most, not the lease deadline... is that I would have to make FAR more sacrifices than he would, if I moved there. I don't really see how we can find an equal compromise on this one.

The bottom line is, I would lose my current job. I have some savings, but not money I wanted to spend on a sublet or Airbnb. I would need to find someone to illegally pay rent on my place while I kept all my things there, then I'd have to come back and either end the relationship or pack up and make the permanent move.

Edited August 22, 2016 by venusishername

[Kamille]

You've been debating moving or splitting up for months now. In this, your focus tends to be on him, his qualities and his flaws. Could you reframe your thoughts this way: what will you regret most: moving the relationship forward or ending it?

 

I would have to quit my job and find a new one. I have not asked to take an indefinite leave, I would think they would say no way.

 

 

 

What's keeping you from asking? To me that would be one of the first steps in considering my options. It's also been mentioned as a possibility on your thread a few times. This tells me you're really not willing to move to NOLA anytime soon.

 

Are you perhaps, in spite of all your talk of marriage, a commitmentphobe? It would explain why you choose a long-distance relationship and keep focusing on the negatives.

[No_Go]

Wait until until you get enough vacation days then (maybe ask your company can you take negative days - i.e. before you accumulate them... I just find it hard to believe that they won't accommodate a reasonable request...)

 

I didn't advice you to take a vacation - I meant use your vacation days but not to go there for entertainment - just to be in the same city, different houses 10+ days in a row.

 

I really find it hard to believe that that's so impossible with your current job. If I were you, I'd consider not working there if they are so dead set against such a benign request for few days off (week or two weeks)... Or actually have you asked them at all??

 

Seems like you're not really putting an effort to get to there even for a short period of time - maybe ask your therapist what's the block (from everything said - I think is more than anything that you want HIM to step up first before you making an effort).

 

I'm getting more and more confused with the discrepancy of the posts I read here. I'm blatantly not compatible vs. Completely compatible, I don't know what my own heart tells me anymore. I think I need a break.

 

 

 

I don't have enough vacation days remaining this year because I have been traveling back and forth for the past year because of this LDR. I am fed up with the trips and vacations for now. I don't want any more trips and vacation time with him until after we have spent time together on a real, daily basis. The only way I can do that, is to quit my job and move to NO and get my own place. I don't have enough time to do that before my lease is up, so I am choosing to renew my lease and sublet for a month or so illegally if need be.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

The thing I struggle with the most, not the lease deadline... is that I would have to make FAR more sacrifices than he would, if I moved there. I don't really see how we can find an equal compromise on this one.

 

This is the third or fourth time you've mentioned something along these lines -- about you having to sacrifice more than he would if you moved to New Orleans. I'm curious: In the scenario where you move to him, what kind of sacrifice would you like him to make? What would make things more even or fair, I think is another word you've used, for you?

 

I guess I just don't think that this is a very productive way to be thinking about it. In an LDR, the couple must choose what's best for the couple, and that will invariably mean more change for one person than the other. (I speak from experience: In my case, this meant leaving a city I loved and never in a million years thought I'd leave to be with my now-husband. But looking at our individual situations, me moving to him just made more sense for us, and it's never occurred to me to think of it as a sacrifice.) In this case, it sounds like he's got a bit more tying him to his area -- kids, a house that he will inherit, a job that depends on connections.

 

That being said, while I do agree with many of the others that you *must* spend extended non-vacation time with him before you can have any sense of your true compatibility, might it make more sense for him to come to you and spend that time in your area? It sounds like he has much more flexibility than you do to spend a few weeks or a month elsewhere. Ideally, he could work out a job for the time he'd be with you, but even if that's not possible, it sounds like he's got slow periods in his line of work during which being away wouldn't be too much of a hit to his income. Might something like that work? And might it perhaps also meet your desire for him to do a bit more legwork here?

Edited August 22, 2016 by BenefitOfTheDoubt

[Sometymeswhy]

Venus, there are few threads as compelling as yours so i hate to agree with you that at break from LS may be beneficial. Or at least a break from your boyfriend. Your head is spinning with doubts, almost as if you are looking for ways to sabotage this.

When you are high on this man the other posters encourage you to make the leap. Then the doubts set in and they tell you to bag it. Some time apart from communications with him will allow you to take a step back and your true feelings will bubble to the surface.

You are asking him to make a sacrifice for you...but really....he has a house which will be his someday when his father dies. He wants to stay connected with his children to make up for lost time. His livihood depends on him staying there. Whereas you are not as rooted...no children...no mortgage...you can work anywhere. His sacrifice would be greater IMO. He's offering you a place to live. Share his home with you. That is noteworthy. Apply for a credit card and rent a room for 50 bucks a night on Airbnb. Near the beach. Peruse job postings in NO. Start now if you're serious.

 

That said....i do believe you know him very well...nearly a year of daily communication and several visits. I think you have a very clear picture of what this dude is all about. The thing is if there are annoying little habits of his that grind away at you at this stage, the lovey dovey stage, then it's not going to improve. And the lack of respect you have for his lifestyle will only grow into deep resentment. The sexual chemistry can only do so much to assuage that. Especially over time.

 

This might seem far afield but if you went out on a few dates with a shallow California career boy you soon may be jonsing for your good old boy....the alpha male you always dreamed of. Your life goal is not living in apartments with roommates well into middle age. Even though it's a fantastic bachelorette pad. Take some steps toward the life you want.

[lana-banana]

I'm getting more and more confused with the discrepancy of the posts I read here. I'm blatantly not compatible vs. Completely compatible, I don't know what my own heart tells me anymore. I think I need a break from LS and really need to rely on my own heart, not other people's opinions. I see that they are all over the board and it makes it very confusing for me.

 

Honestly, Venus, I think the fact that you're allowing yourself to be confused by our posts does not bode well. If you were more confident in your feelings for this man you would dismiss the naysayers with "What are you talking about? Of course I'm ready to be with him. Stop being ridiculous". We are only confusing you because you yourself are very confused after almost a whole year of dating. That doesn't seem like a good sign.

 

In general you tend to be overly optimistic and happy when you have (or have just had) contact, then start to spiral down afterwards. It's not just with this guy, either; it happened with pretty much every man in this thread. Immediately after any interaction you were almost always upbeat about it. But then as time went by you would veer in the other direction. Up and down, back and forth, over and over. We would respond one way, then you would tell us we'd mischaracterized the situation and explain it differently, so we'd respond to that, and then you'd reject that too. I think part of the reason why our posts are so confusing now is because we're reflecting your own confusion back at you. We are each catching on to a different piece of the highs and lows and you don't know what to trust, because you don't trust yourself. (Can someone get idoltree in here? She was consistently the most profound poster in this entire thread.)

 

Your uncertainties are understandable. But at this point I think you are the only one standing between you and a future with this guy. If deep down in your heart you're this reluctant to do what it takes to be with him there's probably an important reason.

[venusishername]

You've been debating moving or splitting up for months now. In this, your focus tends to be on him, his qualities and his flaws. Could you reframe your thoughts this way: what will you regret most: moving the relationship forward or ending it?

 

Are you perhaps, in spite of all your talk of marriage, a commitmentphobe? It would explain why you choose a long-distance relationship and keep focusing on the negatives.

 

I know I have been debating for months. I think I keep trying a good reason to break it off. There's my commitment issues. That is a great way to reframe it, I will take my focus off the negatives as it really is keeping me stuck.

 

I am very much a commitment phobe, I realize that I have become that way since my last real relationship. I mentioned that earlier. I was ****ed over by him and I find myself extremely defensive and critical. Sometimes I don't know if I am using my head/intuition or reacting out of self-protection by doing that now I'm in a new serious relationship. Would explain why I didn't have a real, intimate connection with anyone for over 4 years until I met my current bf.

 

Wait until until you get enough vacation days then (maybe ask your company can you take negative days - i.e. before you accumulate them... I just find it hard to believe that they won't accommodate a reasonable request...)

I think is more than anything that you want HIM to step up first before you making an effort).

I've used all but 4 of my PTO days until April 2017. I could request more time off but I wouldn't get paid. I think two weeks total of PTO a year is totally fair. I've just used almost all of it maintaining this LDR. There's not much wiggle room I'm afraid. I've nickeled and dimed my time off already and it's used up.

 

Also- you said it all above bolded. I need him to step up more before I make that kind of commitment and jump. I need more commitment from HIM and more of an effort from HIM to move things forward. To me, it appears as though he's taking the easy road, staying there, getting sex, cooking, and not giving up a damn thing. I can't help but feel this way. Maybe I'm wrong. I just need more from him before I do that.

 

I'm curious: In the scenario where you move to him, what kind of sacrifice would you like him to make? What would make things more even or fair, I think is another word you've used, for you?

 

....might it make more sense for him to come to you and spend that time in your area? It sounds like he has much more flexibility than you do to spend a few weeks or a month elsewhere. Ideally, he could work out a job for the time he'd be with you, but even if that's not possible, it sounds like he's got slow periods in his line of work during which being away wouldn't be too much of a hit to his income. Might something like that work? And might it perhaps also meet your desire for him to do a bit more legwork here?

 

I need to reflect on your first question because that is what is holding me.

 

And yes, I think that he could easily come out here and find work, just as easily as it would be for me to probably find work there. But he doesn't do it, he just talks about it. I would LOVE it if he did that and was able to get out here for a short period at least. He's always talked about that, since day one, but he never has done it. The difference is, he gets to go back to his house because it's in the family and he can rent it out. I don't have that luxury. This is where I feel that maybe I might be taken advantage of in that in order to go to him, I have to give up my job, my place, give up or store/sell my belongings, and it just doesn't seem fair in my eyes. I realize that's a problem that I think that way. Commitment phobia traits.

 

Your head is spinning with doubts, almost as if you are looking for ways to sabotage this.

When you are high on this man the other posters encourage you to make the leap. Then the doubts set in and they tell you to bag it. Some time apart from communications with him will allow you to take a step back and your true feelings will bubble to the surface.

You are asking him to make a sacrifice for you...but really....he has a house which will be his someday when his father dies. He wants to stay connected with his children to make up for lost time. His livihood depends on him staying there. Whereas you are not as rooted...no children...no mortgage...you can work anywhere. His sacrifice would be greater IMO. He's offering you a place to live. Share his home with you. That is noteworthy. Apply for a credit card and rent a room for 50 bucks a night on Airbnb. Near the beach. Peruse job postings in NO. Start now if you're serious.

 

That said....i do believe you know him very well...nearly a year of daily communication and several visits. I think you have a very clear picture of what this dude is all about. The thing is if there are annoying little habits of his that grind away at you at this stage, the lovey dovey stage, then it's not going to improve. And the lack of respect you have for his lifestyle will only grow into deep resentment. The sexual chemistry can only do so much to assuage that. Especially over time.

 

This might seem far afield but if you went out on a few dates with a shallow California career boy you soon may be jonsing for your good old boy....the alpha male you always dreamed of. Your life goal is not living in apartments with roommates well into middle age. Even though it's a fantastic bachelorette pad. Take some steps toward the life you want.

I would really hate to be living with a roommate a couple years from now. I would be totally depressed and feel like a total loser because I didn't go after the life I wanted. I don't want to be a bachelorette and bridesmaid for the rest of my life. I don't want to be Sex and the City.

 

I guess it's a matter of opinion whose sacrifice would be more. The way I see it, he's gaining a lot without sacrificing much else than a closet and half a bed. He just needs to do more than that in order for me to come to him. I need to reflect on what that is. My thought was a marriage proposal, which I have already mentioned here many times. But that's not on the table.

So, instead of a ring and a wedding date, What else is it I need from him to be comfortable making a move? I am not sure.

Why can't he come here for a month or two? Go back to his house like no time has passed. He does Airbnb at his own home occasionally, why the hell hasn't he done it so he can get out here? The way I see it is, if HE'S not willing to do it, why should I? It comes across as him being lazy. He's talked about it so many times, even mentioned it again recently, I have to wonder why he doesn't do anything about it.

Edited August 22, 2016 by venusishername

[sc0316]

Can't you ask him to spend a month with you in CA just to test your day-to-day compatibility during his next down season? Then you guys can decide from there (who moves to where and if he's ready to propose). You mentioned a couple of times that he was very sad and disappointed that his marriage to his ex-wife didn't work out. Perhaps it makes sense that he doesn't want to propose prematurely.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I just find it a little fresh to expect this man to be sure enough to want to propose at this point when Venus isn't even sure of him and is depending on that proposal to decide if he is the one or not?

 

I'd like to refresh my points of when I first posted in this thread:

 

• if marriage and kids is your main goal in life right now why pick a man in another state? I think you might have commitment issues and while on paper you feel you would like to be doing all those things your friends and social circle are doing, I wonder if you are not just falling prey to social pressures rather than to what you ultimately want for yourself
  

• you can't be deciding if this man is compatible enough for and if you are meant to be based on whether he proposes or not, feeling he is "the one" has to come to your organically not dependent of ring or a big gesture like that. You can however decide if want to live with a man based on that criteria "I know enough about him that I feel I can spend the rest of my life with him if the living together pans out so in order for us to live together we need to be committed a little more" That's reasonable. Propose now before we have had a chance to live out the relationship in full face to face, is not.
  

• if marriage and kids ARE what you are certain you want at this point then be careful not to compromise settling for someone simply because you need to achieve that goal
  

 

To me the decision seems obvious. But then again I am not emotionally invested nor in your situation. I can empathize with everything you are going through but this has become stressful for you and the analysis is so deep the relationship must be losing its appeal on some level.

 

Please don't kill this relationship due to analysis paralysis you will regret it.

 

Step away and do some introspection away from the noise. You may have had a few concerns coming on here but seeing so many conflicting opinions is now creating a confusion in you I don't even believe you had prior to doing all this crowd sourcing.

 

You've called a friend, you've asked the audience and used up all your lifelines, it's time to make the deal Venus. I'm definitely rooting for your happy ending with Mr New Orleans

[Sunkissedpatio]

Sometimes I don't know if I am using my head/intuition or reacting out of self-protection by doing that now I'm in a new serious relationship. .

 

Speaking from experience, probably all of the above.

The good part is that you are aware that you are doing this so you have time to improve that right now.

 

It's great that you are documenting this relationship and are able to reflect based on what you journal because it allows you the venue to actually fix it. Just be aware that what you just described is the road that leads to self-sabotage.

[No_Go]

Venus, this doesn't appear like a loving relationship at the slightest. You think of it as tit for tat - I make sacrifices of and only if he makes sacrifices.

 

Closing the distance shouldn't FEEL like a sacrifice but as a leap to be together with the love of your life. I'm the most unromantic person in this forum and this sacrifice talk still hits me as cold and calculated...

 

Here your pride is taking a huge toll on your happiness - your desire HIM to be the first to 'sacrifice' may kill a relationship with a man you want to marry!

 

Just make your priorities straight - if you are not making any moves and not breaking up as well - you're wasting your time. You clearly stated your next life goal is to marry - if so you either need to make a move, or to break up and get in the dating carousel ASAP. The actual sacrifice that yoi are making is letting the time pass...

 

I know I have been debating for months. I think I keep trying a good reason to break it off. There's my commitment issues. That is a great way to reframe it, I will take my focus off the negatives as it really is keeping me stuck.

 

I am very much a commitment phobe, I realize that I have become that way since my last real relationship. I mentioned that earlier. I was ****ed over by him and I find myself extremely defensive and critical. Sometimes I don't know if I am using my head/intuition or reacting out of self-protection by doing that now I'm in a new serious relationship. Would explain why I didn't have a real, intimate connection with anyone for over 4 years until I met my current bf.

 

 

I've used all but 4 of my PTO days until April 2017. I could request more time off but I wouldn't get paid. I think two weeks total of PTO a year is totally fair. I've just used almost all of it maintaining this LDR. There's not much wiggle room I'm afraid. I've nickeled and dimed my time off already and it's used up.

 

Also- you said it all above bolded. I need him to step up more before I make that kind of commitment and jump. I need more commitment from HIM and more of an effort from HIM to move things forward. To me, it appears as though he's taking the easy road, staying there, getting sex, cooking, and not giving up a damn thing. I can't help but feel this way. Maybe I'm wrong. I just need more from him before I do that.

 

 

 

I need to reflect on your first question because that is what is holding me.

 

And yes, I think that he could easily come out here and find work, just as easily as it would be for me to probably find work there. But he doesn't do it, he just talks about it. I would LOVE it if he did that and was able to get out here for a short period at least. He's always talked about that, since day one, but he never has done it. The difference is, he gets to go back to his house because it's in the family and he can rent it out. I don't have that luxury. This is where I feel that maybe I might be taken advantage of in that in order to go to him, I have to give up my job, my place, give up or store/sell my belongings, and it just doesn't seem fair in my eyes. I realize that's a problem that I think that way. Commitment phobia traits.

 

 

I would really hate to be living with a roommate a couple years from now. I would be totally depressed and feel like a total loser because I didn't go after the life I wanted. I don't want to be a bachelorette and bridesmaid for the rest of my life. I don't want to be Sex and the City.

 

I guess it's a matter of opinion whose sacrifice would be more. The way I see it, he's gaining a lot without sacrificing much else than a closet and half a bed. He just needs to do more than that in order for me to come to him. I need to reflect on what that is. My thought was a marriage proposal, which I have already mentioned here many times. But that's not on the table.

So, instead of a ring and a wedding date, What else is it I need from him to be comfortable making a move? I am not sure.

Why can't he come here for a month or two? Go back to his house like no time has passed. He does Airbnb at his own home occasionally, why the hell hasn't he done it so he can get out here? The way I see it is, if HE'S not willing to do it, why should I? It comes across as him being lazy. He's talked about it so many times, even mentioned it again recently, I have to wonder why he doesn't do anything about it.

[introverted1]

Venus, this doesn't appear like a loving relationship at the slightest. You think of it as tit for tat - I make sacrifices of and only if he makes sacrifices.

 

Closing the distance shouldn't FEEL like a sacrifice but as a leap to be together with the love of your life. I'm the most unromantic person in this forum and this sacrifice talk still hits me as cold and calculated...

 

Here your pride is taking a huge toll on your happiness - your desire HIM to be the first to 'sacrifice' may kill a relationship with a man you want to marry!

 

Just make your priorities straight - if you are not making any moves and not breaking up as well - you're wasting your time. You clearly stated your next life goal is to marry - if so you either need to make a move, or to break up and get in the dating carousel ASAP. The actual sacrifice that yoi are making is letting the time pass...

 

 

Venus, this is so spot on! I, too, have been really uncomfortable with your calculation of sacrifices. If you moving to NOLA results in the happy life-long relationship you want, there is NO sacrifice. A sacrifice mentality either means you expect it to NOT work out, or that you don't see him as fully "in," either of which suggests that something is off.

 

You complain often than his actions don't align with his words but, in many cases, yours don't either. You know that you need to spend non-vacation type time together, yet you keep planning vacation type times with him. You haven't asked about taking additional (perhaps unpaid) time off so you can go there and experience daily life (with you in an AirBnB or similar). Maybe you should defer this month's vacation time and use that time plus some unpaid time to spend 2-3 weeks in NOLA in your own place. Ask him to split that cost with you -- it's a worthwhile investment in your mutual futures.

 

Good luck!

[BluEyeL]

I'd be less harsh on venus. The move we are all suggesting is very drastic. She is clearly not there, not ready to make these sacrifices. I know I wouldn't have been ready at under one year of relationship, especially long distance, to just drop everything and go. Perhaps she'll be ready at some point, but it's a huge thing to ask her to do. Maybe this is why she keeps analyzing him so much, she needs to make sure he's worth such a risk.

 

I don't think spending 2-3 weeks in a different place would make much of a difference. It's a bit far fetched and forced. I think when/if she's ready to close the distance gap, she'll need to just quit her job and get a new one in NOLA. Maybe in a few more months, if she decides it's worth it.

 

IMO, women should actually be a bit more calculating, on average. Generally women tend to jump in head first, drop everything for a man and then get screwed over. I think this situation is difficult, I think it is necessary to close the distance gap, but I don't fault her for not being ready yet. It's not even been one year and they have barely seen each other.

[Sunkissedpatio]

BlueEyeL

 

I fully agree with what you posted!

 

But then Venus needs to back off from the proposal, having kids expectation from her man and in particular the ridiculousness a few pages back of sitting him down for an open disclosure of finances

 

This relationship isn't at that point for many reasons.

 

Personally, I would never give up my life to move to try out with a man in another place while I am just dating him so I am biased that way but then I wouldn't entertain dating a long distance man unless I was forced into that situation: we met of vacation and were completely smitten etc.

If she was open to an LDR there had to have been some thought put into that before hand and some level of acceptance of the reality of things if they work out. So while it is a big hard move, I believe people are offering advice based on the notion that this was already accepted and thought about prior to getting knee deep emotionally.

 

We all have choices to make even when we fall in love.

[Kamille]

 

 

 

Personally, I would never give up my life to move to try out with a man in another place while I am just dating him so I am biased that way but then I wouldn't entertain dating a long distance man unless I was forced into that situation: we met of vacation and were completely smitten etc.

 

This is exactly how they met.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Oh! Thanks Kamille for clarifying. Didn't they meet online?

I stand corrected.

My apologies, I'm getting stories confused on here.