When it rains it pours

[sc0316]

Thanks for responding, Venus. I appreciate your willingness to respond even when posters don't share your views.

[lana-banana]

I'm sorry, but I don't feel that having a goal of marriage and family is wrong, a red flag, etc. Marriage is a goal that many people have. People don't get married for love only, there are many many other reasons in addition to love that people want to get married. I DO care about finding the right person to get married and have a family. I think he has a lot of the core values and character to fit that bill. I don't feel I should need to explain myself anymore that I want to get married and have a family. The point of dating for me now is to evaluate whether a boyfriend would also be a good husband and father. Seems pretty straightforward to me.

 

Nobody said wanting marriage was a red flag. It just sounds like you're more interested in getting a proposal than determining if you actually want to be married to him in particular. To me it seems backwards that you'd be more comfortable evaluating his seriousness if he proposed; in my mind, you find out if you want to marry him first, then deal with proposing. That's purely my opinion. Others may disagree.

 

I guess you misunderstood what I meant, I was being facetious about "giving up on the dream". The dream meaning having a marriage and family. It seems that I have no trouble dating and having some boyfriends, but so far none of them have resulted in marriage and a happy ending. I was saying that out of frustration, that I haven't been able to achieve that goal yet. Marriage is just as much a goal as anything else, like graduating college, or saving money for a house. I hope that clarifies.

 

Yeah, of course I understand marriage as a goal. The facetious aspect didn't really carry over in writing (curse you, Internet!) though. I just got the sense that you were genuinely frustrated with your situation and were desperately hoping this guy was going to meet all your standards for marriage. That seemed unfortunate.

[Weezy1973]

Yeah, it's kind of putting the cart before the horse.

 

It seems like you want marriage, and here is a decent guy that's right in front of you, so might as well pull the trigger. I really feel like you have a self imposed timeline for marriage and babies which is just putting undo pressure and forcing you into a possible bad decision. Pressure can do that...

[sc0316]

Yeah, it's kind of putting the cart before the horse.

 

It seems like you want marriage, and here is a decent guy that's right in front of you, so might as well pull the trigger. I really feel like you have a self imposed timeline for marriage and babies which is just putting undo pressure and forcing you into a possible bad decision. Pressure can do that...

 

No only that, Venus' desperation to get a proposal prematurely is going to freak out her boyfriend. He had a failed short marriage relatively recently; the last thing he wanted is to hop from one marriage to another, when both of you are not even sure if you are compatible day-to-day and if you are financially ready.

[sagamore]

Venus, how are you? Was the visit this weekend? Hoping you are well.

[lana-banana]

Venus, we're all rooting for you. I looked over the last couple of pages and realized how tough this must have been to read. It's so hard to hear that other people might not think your current partner is the right fit for you, even when the other people are strangers on the Internet. But we never spoke out of a desire to hurt or confuse you. Everyone is just trying to provide guidance in their own way.

 

The only reason this thread has lasted so long is because you have a charm that's frankly irresistible, even via computer; you talk in a way that's compelling and heartbreaking and undeniably real, with all the frustrations and annoyances that come with reality. Over the course of this thread I feel like I've come to know you in some small way and I'm sure other posters feel the same way. I hope your break treats you well and you've had some good time to think, but I can't help but hope you'll come back here too. My ex-boyfriend* and I are also leaving for vacation at the end of this week and we both wish you the best.

 

 

 

* = it's only been two days, but "fiancé" still sounds weird and we agree calling each other exes is funny

[Kamille]

My ex-boyfriend* and I are also leaving for vacation at the end of this week and we both wish you the best.

 

 

 

* = it's only been two days, but "fiancé" still sounds weird and we agree calling each other exes is funny

 

Congratulations! I've heard people use "then-boyfriend" to refer to the change in status.

[venusishername]

Venus, how are you? Was the visit this weekend? Hoping you are well.

Yes, it was. I got back late last night. I'm not up for writing too much tonight but wanted to check in. I have to say, this last visit was better than the ones before, in many ways. I think we have reached a new level of our relationship now. I feel that things have/are progressing and this last time together really solidified that feeling of being a 'real couple' for me.

 

Venus, we're all rooting for you. I looked over the last couple of pages and realized how tough this must have been to read. It's so hard to hear that other people might not think your current partner is the right fit for you, even when the other people are strangers on the Internet. But we never spoke out of a desire to hurt or confuse you. Everyone is just trying to provide guidance in their own way.

 

The only reason this thread has lasted so long is because you have a charm that's frankly irresistible, even via computer; you talk in a way that's compelling and heartbreaking and undeniably real, with all the frustrations and annoyances that come with reality. Over the course of this thread I feel like I've come to know you in some small way and I'm sure other posters feel the same way. I hope your break treats you well and you've had some good time to think, but I can't help but hope you'll come back here too. My ex-boyfriend* and I are also leaving for vacation at the end of this week and we both wish you the best.

 

* = it's only been two days, but "fiancé" still sounds weird and we agree calling each other exes is funny

 

 

That is great, Lana!! I knew it would happen soon. Many congratulations to you. I am sure you are on could nine

 

 

And thank you so much for what you said, that means a lot, even though we are strangers on the internet here, I feel I have gotten to know you (and some others), as well as myself, because of posting here. I feel I have grown a lot since I first started this thread. A whole lot. I appreciate your compliment, I look forward to being here. It has been great to have the support, advice, and, well, most of all, calling me out on my own BS and making me wake up and smell the coffee. Things a good friend would do in real life.

 

 

Where do I begin. I will have to come back later on to write more, once again I am still trying to process all of these emotions. I said earlier that this time we were together, it felt like we were a 'real' couple, more so than any time before. We talked more about the future, even down to details like health insurance, a new car I wanted to plan to buy, where I would put my dresser in his house, he even pointed out a ring that he liked for me. I spent some quality time with his daughter, which I have not had the chance to do before. He introduced me to his dad, who I hadn't had the time to meet the last couple times I was there. He took me with him so he could do some work out in the flood damage there, it was good to see him in his every day element like that. We even went grocery shopping together and I made dinner for him (and his daughter) at home the last night I was there. It was nice to be in the kitchen like that, while he was out fiddling around in his backyard workshop area, and knowing he was close by, knowing he was looking forward to my meal that I was making, and to spend time together for dinner at home. I had the house to myself for that one hour, I felt comfortable there, and could 'picture' myself being there in the future. Or at least I tried to.

We went for walks in the neighborhood, we went grocery shopping and he insisted on pushing the cart while I picked out the ingredients, I guess I could really see this time how we would interact with these daily mundane things, although it was a vacation for me. He had arranged his work schedule so he could spend time with me as much as possible when I was there, although he did work about half day on Tuesday, he could take me with him. And it was nice to see him in his element too. Even going to Home Depot so he could buy parts. It was the little interactions like that which made me feel more comfortable with him, as his partner. It was almost as if I could really envision what it would be like day to day. Even sitting at a coffee shop looking at a newspaper together, that was romantic. He pointed out an engagement ring in an ad, and said that is something that he likes and would pick out for me. We talked more about rings. I told him what I liked, vice versa, we were discussing it. It isn't just a fleeting thought, it is something we've been thinking about. I know he's been thinking about it.

 

 

And the other things, like learning how we have a lot of similarities and interests, things like the same book that inspired us, our love of music and dancing (we love dancing!) and I think the fact that we are best friends and have great conversations, genuinely enjoy each others' company, and well, I think we just have a great interaction together. He is extremely affectionate and loving, I am grateful for that because I know some women who complain about their husbands being not too affectionate and not romantic. My guy is, in every way. He picked me up from the airport with a little picnic bag packed with some wine and snacks, so I could have a glass upon my arrival. Strange law in LA, you can drink in the car if you have a lid on it. Crazy, right? Drinking in the street is so strange to me, it's a whole different lifestyle over there. He took me to a really incredible dinner at one of Emeril's restaurants, and we had a really romantic couple of nights at some gorgeous hotel bars with live jazz and we danced, we went to a comedy show too. I love the way he just takes charge of a situation and makes such a romantic date. I mean, we walk in to this place, and he orders some drinks, gets a few appetizers, leads me to a table, puts his arm around me, and pulls my chair right up next to his, touching my shoulder and hands the whole time while we watch the show. He surprised me a couple times during our visit with a necklace, flowers, and a couple of blank canvases so we could paint together at home. I mean, he really is a romantic man, and very attentive most of all. I feel very cared for around him. He's the kind of guy that would never let me out of his sight, in a good way. He was, for the most part, attached at the hip to me the whole time, we didn't want to be away from each other. He's a social butterfly and talks to everyone, as it is in New Orleans anyway, everyone is very friendly and talks to everyone, but he always had his eye on me, always stayed connected with me. I've had some issues with jealousy in the long distance relationship, and in general with this one, particularly because he's a really open and friendly guy, I know he interacts with a lot of people, women too, but I didn't let it get to me. He doesn't give me a reason to really feel jealous. I need to work on that, because I know I do have some issues with trust.

He even showed me a little journal/calendar he keeps, how he had planned out in advance our days together, with notes and ideas for what we would do. He had put a big heart around the day I flew in. He showed me how much I mean to him, and that he never wants me to feel insecure or jealous, because no other woman is as good as I am anyway, and I have his heart. I mean, I can't help but trust him. He's been willing to prove it to me.

 

 

He told me something that I needed to hear, particularly now. He said he is trying to give me love and I need to be open to receiving it...that he knows I have some issues from my past that I am still hurting from, but he will do what it takes to prove to me that he has my best interest at heart, and that he really loves me. I mean, I think I already see that, almost a year has gone by. He's never dropped the ball pursuing me. He won't give up. I really think that surpasses all the other guys I've ever dated, even my long term boyfriends. I think the long distance has been a good thing to get me feeling more comfortable with being in a new relationship again. I feel my last relationships weren't healthy at all, this one is quite different, and I have succeeded in boundaries and establishing the respect that is necessary for a good relationship. I didn't have that before. I was with very manipulative and controlling men. He's not like that, and I need to remember that, and he's trying to show me I can trust him. It hasn't been easy, but I needed to hear him say what he did. I had to open my heart again slowly.

 

 

On a final note (for now), I was surprised that his daughter took an opportunity to get to know me privately, while he was showering and getting ready for our night out, she came in and joined me in the TV room where we had been painting, and struck up a conversation with me. When I had met her before she was very reserved and shy, and from what I see they don't really get along that great, so I had barely heard a few words from her. Until the other day. It was nice to talk to her like that. I was flattered she felt comfortable enough to approach me. He said it's because I'm so approachable. I mean, I'm not surprised a young girl would feel comfortable talking with another woman not so much older than her. I think all females like having another female around to talk to. She must not feel totally comfortable talking with her dad, and vice versa. Anyway, she really took to me it seemed. He was happy to see that. I even talked to him about my own advice for making a better relationship with her. I had a strained relationship with my dad from early teens to late twenties, I told him that it would pass. I gave him some kind advice as to how he could make it better, and he seemed so incredibly grateful. I felt really close to him that night.

 

 

I already know he can see me as a good wife, and a good motherly figure for his daughter (because he told me those things), and he knows well that I still would like to have my own child, he is open to that. It's not as if he says, "I don't want to have another child", his stance is, "I would be open to it". He even pointed out a new school being built in his neighborhood, he said, "if we have kids, they can go to that elementary school."

 

 

I know it sounds kind of silly, but maybe that is how it's supposed to be. You find someone you love and who loves you, and that you could picture yourself married to, then you talk about it more, then you start doing more things that make you feel like you could be married, and that it feels natural, then, well, nature takes its course. I can honestly say that this trip made me feel as if I could spend every day with him, and it would feel natural.

 

 

I still have a couple of the same reservations as I have before. I have been very torn about worrying about what could go wrong, looking into the future as far as mundane things like saving money, buying property or a car, having a child, raising a child, work schedules, whether I could take time off for a baby and he could support me then, and how we may not be compatible in certain areas of 'lifestyle' choices and goals, but then again, those are only projections and speculation. I don't know these things.

What I do know is the good things. The 'bad' things are things that I am attempting to foresee into the future as obstacles. I just want to be sure that I'm not wasting my time, and yes, at this point, I'm ready to settle down and get married and be with my husband. I'm done being single, I'm ready to grow up and be the woman of my own house, and I need a man by my side to be my friend, lover, and equal. I don't want to do this alone anymore.

And he's offering me that. He still asks if he has convinced me yet to move there. He finds it amusing that I would want to move there and get my own place, even though he understands and respects my stance on why I wouldn't live with him. I think he still thinks he can change my mind, even though I won't. I keep telling him that I will not move in with him unless we are sure that we want to get married. Until then, I am keeping my own place, even if he thinks it seems foolish, that's my belief.

 

So, as we have left it since then, I am considering more seriously moving there, I would still get my own place. I have some reservations and more thoughts about that, but will post more later. Mainly it is because I feel I need more action from him before I make a big move. It doesn't seem right that I would be the one leaving my stable job, my own place, and he just has to stay put and change nothing. To me that reeks of desperation and maybe a bit of chasing. I need some more concrete action from him before I make an action. I know that would make me feel far more secure in a decision to change my whole life. I don't see that I am going to budge on that. I need something more from him before I do. Or at least more time...

We have made some progressions, but as it stands, he still wants me to be the one to come to him. His idea of moving to CA seems as an afterthought, although he might consider it later. On one hand I prefer NOLA to CA in many ways. Plus, there's nothing really keeping me here as far as my home environment. I live with a roommate, about to try and find find another, in a place that is one of the most expensive to live in the country, I have a good job but I could find something comparable in time. We even talked tonight about "IF" we lived together, how I could fit my furniture in his house, and he agreed with me that we could keep my queen bed and tufted bedframe and he would move his king bed to the spare room.

 

Good night.

[lana-banana]

Thank you, Venus! We're off to our own vacation (more on that in my other thread) but I wanted to say hello and welcome back before I sign off for the week.

 

I am incredibly happy to hear about your trip. And it's so fantastic that his daughter has opened up to you! You sound like you're in a solid and responsible place mentally, so much so that you are distinguishing among your aspirations, fears, and priorities with real clarity. You couldn't be more right that when two people love each other in a healthy way, nature really does take its course. You love them, you care for them, and then life happens.

 

Maybe my rose-colored glasses are extra-powerful today, but nothing you said worries me in the slightest and you know I worry more than anyone. Boarding now...the banana is headed out. And many congratulations!

 

[No_Go]

Venus, I can see a change in the tone in this post - you sound much more stable and in peace.

 

It is great that his daughter opened up to you - it is essential to be in good terms with his kids if you are planning to get married in the future.

 

If you see NOLA as a better place to live, and you want to be with this man - I think it is a no brainer that you should be the one to move (not necessarily soon). The only thing that hits me with a negative vibe is that you want him to essentially 'pay off' your inconvenience (to move) with an inconvenience for him. That doesn't sound loving. But I'm getting the impression that what you mean by that is just him proposing, am I right? Essentially that's the only option that you're really open for (the temporary move of him to CA for example won't be what you'd like even if he offers?)

[BluEyeL]

Congrats Lana! So happy for you!

 

And I'm glad it went well, venus, i'm glad to hear there is progress.

[venusishername]

Now that I've had a few days to process and regroup, I really feel I am at a crossroad. This last trip was wonderful and I miss him more than ever. Like I said I really felt like we had a chance to be a real couple. I also see how much I want to share my time (and life) with him. I realize that a long distance relationship across the country really isn't conducive anymore to what I want in the long run. I'm very surprised that it lasted this long. I went into it wanting a relationship but I had no idea it would actually succeed as it has. I didn't think we could sustain or maintain it.

I know that he meets lots of women, sometimes I wonder why he would want to have a long distance with me. We both chose this, and we are in love and we are compatible in friendship and we have quite the chemistry and connection. He treats me very well and is caring, loving and very attentive and affectionate. He likes to spoil me and care for me. He treats me with adoration and respect, and he is a good man.

 

 

The same reservations I've always had are still there, and I don't see that will change. This is why I feel at a crossroad. We may be compatible in the now, but are we compatible as far as lifestyle and long term goals? That is the real question. I am not sure that we are in some ways, but on the other hand is that something we can work together on to make it work so that we are both happy?

 

I am nowhere near being able to afford to buy my own home, unless I come into some money or win the lottery, but I would like to work towards that with my partner and be diligent and work towards that goal together, equally. This means both putting the same amount of money away, consistently to reach that goal. I don't see that is a very high priority (or a priority at all) for him. He doesn't seem to be very concerned with the long term, as far as saving for a house or saving in general. I mean, he saves to go on these trips to see me and have me come to him. I'm talking about the big picture though. Lord knows I'm far from perfect on that front, I have very little savings and I make a decent income but by no means enough to make a down payment in CA but I get by but I'm generally very responsible about money and I'm careful about what I spend for the most part. I am getting there but I only recently started caring about this stuff since I saw all my friends buying houses and starting a family. Once I got into my line of work it became more and more important.

As I've mentioned repeatedly here, he is not so careful and does not voice the same desires about long term planning as I do. I see the way he spends his money and while at this point it is not my business to interpose my opinion on it to him, I do observe his general habits. Since we have been dating for almost a year, I have had a chance to observe these habits. Everyone likes to spend their disposable income different ways, I think some of the ways he spends his money is totally frivolous, but so is the way I drop $150 for my favorite perfume because I can't wait to have it any longer.

 

His daughter mentioned to me during our conversation while I was there that the last serious girlfriend he had, he married. And she really liked his ex wife. Daughter said she thought it was his fault because he was always working a bunch of jobs and didn't stick to one, his daughter felt that the ex got fed up with that. That is something that would bother me too. And that's something I need to think about, because that lifestyle choice has not changed on his part. Now, I know several free spirited people who have no problem working for themselves, being independent contractors and making their own schedules, being their own boss for the most part and they do make it work. I'm not that kind of person, which is why I went to college and am very happy with an office job where I get paid the same amount every month and get full benefits, retirement plan and life insurance. He doesn't always have that, depending on the contract. I mean, that is in no way a character flaw, but if my partner is not serious about saving and budgeting money, for example for a shared goal or responsibility such as saving for a home, even a small modest house in New Orleans, (totally doable if we did it together), or does not have an always predictable means of income and health insurance or pension, I mean.. that is a difference that may not be compatible in the long term.

I tend to think too far ahead about the unknowns, but I can't be the breadwinner, money keeper, money monitor, bank, etc. This happened in my last relationship. My ex was extremely intelligent and could have been a professor or a mathematician, but dropped out of college. He got kicked out of the Navy on an honorable discharge before we met, had a problem with authority, was always trying to get around the law, thought he was too good to work for anyone else, he had a drinking problem, and the last year of our relationship while I was working and going to night school 5 days a week, he was hanging out in the house sleeping in, staying up late drinking with friends, being lazy and entitled, and even resorted to asking me to borrow money. I broke up with him at that time. I don't want that to happen to me again. I know I'll be fine, but I need my partner to be responsible and motivated, and to pull his own weight, otherwise I'm going to lose respect for him.

 

 

I think my boyfriend is trustworthy and he makes his living and is doing just fine pulling his own weight. However, what would he be like as a husband and not a bachelor? As far as long term life goals and long term planning, I'm not convinced we are on the same page. Now, is this a reason to end the relationship? Maybe. You must have the same general life goals in order to sustain a relationship Again, I don't KNOW these things, I am mainly speculating from across the country. I think that if we lived together and were married and making this relationship really happen for REAL and every day, yes, we would share in creating long term goals and planning and we would come up with a way to share our finances to benefit us as a couple. These things could just come with practice and cooperation....?

 

 

He's a bachelor in every sense of the word, and from what I know his ex wife was certainly not grounded like I am, she didn't have a real career and was flighty and free, so I mean, I guess being single for so long he just got comfortable with the life he has made for himself. Some people don't want much. I guess I want more and strive for more. I'm an ambitious person and I realize I am probably more so than others. Lately I

am even considering going to law school, if I move to New Orleans. If I were to live with him someday, I could go to school (we talked about this), I could work part time, I could save the money I'm currently spending on my pricey CA rent, and I know he would make it work for us. I could contribute to paying for some groceries and cooking in, he would support us, that's what he said to me. I wouldn't HAVE to work full time. I could go back to school so I could make more money in the long term.

I think we could make it work if we tried. At least I sincerely hope so. I can't judge his lifestyle by any means. I guess some people don't chase material things and status.

 

I realize after being there with him again that CA is extremely fixated on status and material wealth. I see many people in my life here who are successful businessmen and women, with houses in the suburbs and drive luxury cars, have boats, have huge diamond rings and basically live a life comparable to the Real Housewives. That's important here in CA, it's important what you own and your status.

 

 

In other parts of the country, like New Orleans, people aren't so greedy and materialistic. This is why many people I know have LEFT CA. They don't care about having lots of money, having luxury cars and big houses and lots of material things. They are more communal in nature, open and friendly, warm and down to earth. I really see the difference now. And I grew up in CA, this is familiar to me, as a lifestyle. I guess what I'm saying is... although I can accept a difference in our backgrounds and what is important to us as far as those things go, all I'm after is having a shared understanding of lifestyle choices and goals. This is why I split up with my ex at the core. I also am seeking SECURITY. He knows this, and he has done everything he can possibly do to make me feel emotionally secure. I know he wouldn't let me down in that regard, and I know he wants me to be happy and cared for, and feel secure. I know that 100%. But I don't want to be struggling. I don't want to live in his house forever. I want something more, something to work towards, something to call my own and be proud of. I don't want to have to worry about where his money is coming from or what he spends his money on. This is where I see a joint account is important for household and savings but to keep separate bank accounts for personal money.

 

I look around and am evaluating my parents and friends' relationships. They are all married. Each man in the relationship has a steady job and makes decent income. Half of the women I know in these relationships do not work and are housewives. I am far too independent to ever be a housewife, (no offense to anyone who chooses to do that), it's just not going to be me. So I don't need my man to provide it all. I'm just looking for no less than my equal. So, it comes back to... can we be compatible as far as long term goals, planning, and well, to make a comfortable and happy life together. I'm thinking when we're old and can't work anymore. When our kid needs braces. I'm thinking far ahead. And it's impossible to see the future, only to have a goal or an idea of how you want your life to be. You can create your destiny, it's not in the hands of anyone else. I know that. So I can't depend on him to fulfill my life goals, but I would like to be a team to achieve what is important to me. I am pretty dang certain that he would be willing to step up and make that happen, if something was important to me. I can't expect him to set me up and give me a meal ticket, sure it would be nice to fall in love with a rich man with a big house who told me I'd never have to worry about money for the rest of my life, that would be nice, but I sure never found that. Plus, I think I'd rather be with someone who loved me and treated me well, and valued me as he does.

 

I have a lot of trust issues, I realize that. I know, and he knows, that I've taken a lot of baggage from my last relationship. The ex really ****ed me up and I've had a real hard time opening up and allowing love to enter my heart again. This is why I think I've felt more comfortable easing into a new relationship from a distance. It has given me a chance to evaluate whether he is worthy of my love and attention. He's done a lot and continues to make real effort to nurturing and progressing this relationship. I give him that. He didn't give up on me. And that surprises me sometimes. I thought he would give up.

 

Here I am, seriously considering moving away from CA, putting my stuff in storage, renting an Airbnb furnished room until I find a decent job there comparable to what I do now as far as pay and benefits, just taking a risk. I know that I would be ok if I did. I would just have to uproot my life, and leave my belongings, condo, and job behind. I do love it here, but my life is empty and lonely without being with my love, at the end of the day. I have no one to come home to, I share my home with another woman in her early thirties, I would like to be the 'queen of my own castle' and I realized that when I was at his home this last time. He made me feel like I was, and could be, the queen of his castle. I know that sounds corny, but I mean, I would have a special purpose and place there with him. I need that. I don't want to do this alone. It doesn't fulfill me.

 

On the other hand, although moving in with him would solve all problems of long distance and we could finally be together, I am willing to hold out for what I really want. I don't want to be a live in girlfriend and play house. I want to be a wife. And if that means keeping my own place until I am going to be, that's what I have to do. I would consider moving there and getting my own place, yes. He finds that amusing and thinks I'd be throwing away money when I can live with him. He playfully calls me "Miss Independent". It may mean I lose him since I won't give in. He may give up on me. He may think- 'I could be with plenty of other women who live here. She won't move in with me, and therefore we can't be together because I'm not leaving, so I'm going to find someone I can actually date, have regular sex with, etc.' I realize this could happen. I guess it goes both ways. He may have the same fear.

 

I realize that although he likes CA, he likes New Orleans more. I can see why in many ways. It's his home. He has roots. He has children, although grown, he has ties. I have great friends here, and some remaining family, mainly my parents I hate to be away from, but they want me to be happy. My mom told me that my dad (her ex husband) asked her if I was moving in with him, and she said no, and he said it would be over his dead body if I moved in without a proposal!

Seriously, that is all it's going to take, I will not move in with him unless we are getting married, period. I have not changed my mind.

 

I am not ready to get my own place there yet. I realize I can't continue this forever. Something needs to happen. He's not moving here, any time in the near or foreseeable future. He told me when we said goodbye that he's going to plan to come to see me in November, which is in about 6 weeks or so, which has been our standard since we met. This is always the hard part. Spending such a great time together, all the sex, emotions, and endorphins, then the let down, the come down, the sadness and deep thinking.

 

 

I know it's cliché, but I really do believe now that when you know, you just KNOW. I don't feel either one of us are completely and totally convinced, and we don't "just KNOW" yet. I think the self-imposed timeline of October is a good point to evaluate the relationship and progress, but I don't feel a fixed time would be being true to my heart. I know not to waste too much time but I feel that I will know when is the right time to make the 'right' decision for me. I would guess that would be by the end of the year.

I remember something my stepdad told me when I was dating my last boyfriend. We were on and off for over 4 years. He told me remember the '2 year mark'. If you've made it 2 years, it's time to poop or get off the pot. In this case I'm not saying 2 years needs to pass long distance because we are at a point where we are trying to find a way to really close it, I think that within the next couple months things will become clear, even if we don't know all the answers. I think we will just get to a point very soon where we just KNOW. That is my hope. That takes some patience.

[introverted1]

Hey Venus, welcome back!

 

I read all you wrote and am confused on just one point. Doesn't your bf already have a house in NO? I thought I read somewhere that he is making the payments on his dad's house and that, when his dad dies, that house will pass to him. So it's effectively his house, no? Or did I miss something? I am trying to understand the emphasis on saving for a house, unless you are just using that as a metaphor for other things?

[Kamille]

What does he say when you share your concerns about your desire to save for a downpayment on a house? These are things you should be discussing with him, not speculating about.

 

I think you might be looking for reasons to stall.

[No_Go]

Venus, I'm not really sure what the dilemma is any more. You know his desires, financial status, what he has to offer in this relationship is crystal clear to you. I think he offers you a lot, I also think he loves you and sees your potential as a life-time partner, but you're not satisfied completely with what is on the table and this is not going to change (only thing that can change is you reevaluating your requirements).

 

I'm sorry to say it but I think you also know he's blowing smoke up your *ss with the marriage / ring discussions. He will probably consider it in the future but I will bet money it won't be before you live in the same city. He's scared for a reason from his previous marriage, and you (pls don't be offended) come with high risk too (debt, no history of successful relationships, a lifestyle that is a bit foreign to him).

 

Don't waste your limited fertile years if you want bio-kids. It is really time to poop or get off the pot - now.

[venusishername]

Venus, I'm not really sure what the dilemma is any more. You know his desires, financial status, what he has to offer in this relationship is crystal clear to you. I think he offers you a lot, I also think he loves you and sees your potential as a life-time partner, but you're not satisfied completely with what is on the table and this is not going to change (only thing that can change is you reevaluating your requirements).

 

I'm sorry to say it but I think you also know he's blowing smoke up your *ss with the marriage / ring discussions. He will probably consider it in the future but I will bet money it won't be before you live in the same city. He's scared for a reason from his previous marriage, and you (pls don't be offended) come with high risk too (debt, no history of successful relationships, a lifestyle that is a bit foreign to him).

 

Don't waste your limited fertile years if you want bio-kids. It is really time to poop or get off the pot - now.

 

So are you saying you believe my best move here is to move there and get my own place so we can maybe get married someday, and decide if we really are compatible?

[No_Go]

Yes, that will solve your problems at once. I think you'll learn so much from the move that you'd probably (both) know the answer by the time you get there:)

 

With living independently there you don't give him the convenience to take you for granted. You can safely evaluate him and the people around him. And if you get a good job there - it actually works well for your resume (flexibility is a big thing these days). Pretty much I see only pros except losing some habitual 'comfort' of old job, rental space, old roommate - I mean nothing to die for ...)

 

So are you saying you believe my best move here is to move there and get my own place so we can maybe get married someday, and decide if we really are compatible?

[venusishername]

Yes, that will solve your problems at once. I think you'll learn so much from the move that you'd probably (both) know the answer by the time you get there:)

 

With living independently there you don't give him the convenience to take you for granted. You can safely evaluate him and the people around him. And if you get a good job there - it actually works well for your resume (flexibility is a big thing these days). Pretty much I see only pros except losing some habitual 'comfort' of old job, rental space, old roommate - I mean nothing to die for ...)

No Go, how and why do you think he's "blowing smoke" by talking about the marriage/ring conversation. I was just curious why you would say that. Is this kind of like the way he talks about moving to CA, it's like an afterthought but no action is being made to do it. Just curious.

 

Here's where I stand on it...I am not ready by October 1 to quit my job, leave my place, give notice, pack up all my stuff in storage, and leave this behind, with hardly any savings to even cushion myself for one month while I found a job out there. I would have to stay with him until I did. I thought we've gone into this detail before. How if I were to move there, wouldn't it cause a rift when I moved out to my own place, etc.

 

My main concern is wasting time, but I can't force feeling ready. I still think it isn't right that I would be the one to move across the country, give up so much, when he doesn't have to sacrifice anything. I just need more security and commitment than that. I'm stuck.

[No_Go]

I think he enjoys the idea of talking about it, maybe even dreaming about it, and definitely knows you enjoy talking&dreaming about it. So it is at the moment it is just a courtship talk (blowing smoke was probably rude way to put it), but without steps towards it (e.g. putting money aside for it, take measurements, discuss when and where to do it etc).

 

Probably same with his move to CA (seems like he has way too much ties to do it in fact - maintaining a property is a job itself, kids etc). So it is a bit of a grandiose courtship talk (the 'if you don't come to me, I'll come to you').

 

I understand you can't move immediately - this won't be wise, I'd never suggest it. My advice was to decide whether you want/can move, when & how and start taking steps. E.g. first thing to do will be looking for jobs there. It can take 1-6 months (depending on your field). But there are so many pros! He'll see you're serious for him, you'd probably be flied there for interviews (yay free flights to him ), you'd see the NOLA work culture close up.

 

After you land on a job, looking for a house & storage will be easy, I'm sure friends and family and your BF will assist in the search. Say this shouldn't take over few weeks to a month. This will give you time to sublet/break the lease of your current place as well (I've done this so many times that I'm a firm believer your landlord will agree - usually the deal for me was to assist them to find new tenants - Craigslist ads, interviews etc).

 

I'm convinced that you should NOT coast in his place, even for a week, if you want to keep your stand for no cohabitation. With a job lined up and his assistance to look for an accommodation it is feasible.

 

Forget about who gives up what - if you marry you will be an unit, so all sacrifices and gains are for the unit (you two together) - act like it if you really want marriage, and from all written - you do.

 

In short: if you act now - you may be able to move there in 6 months and get all you want with minimal/zero loss. If you don't - IMO it won't go anywhere by the spring and you're really wasting your time staying in this limbo.

 

 

No Go, how and why do you think he's "blowing smoke" by talking about the marriage/ring conversation. I was just curious why you would say that. Is this kind of like the way he talks about moving to CA, it's like an afterthought but no action is being made to do it. Just curious.

 

Here's where I stand on it...I am not ready by October 1 to quit my job, leave my place, give notice, pack up all my stuff in storage, and leave this behind, with hardly any savings to even cushion myself for one month while I found a job out there. I would have to stay with him until I did. I thought we've gone into this detail before. How if I were to move there, wouldn't it cause a rift when I moved out to my own place, etc.

 

My main concern is wasting time, but I can't force feeling ready. I still think it isn't right that I would be the one to move across the country, give up so much, when he doesn't have to sacrifice anything. I just need more security and commitment than that. I'm stuck.

[venusishername]

I understand you can't move immediately - this won't be wise, I'd never suggest it. My advice was to decide whether you want/can move, when & how and start taking steps. E.g. first thing to do will be looking for jobs there. It can take 1-6 months (depending on your field). But there are so many pros! He'll see you're serious for him, you'd probably be flied there for interviews (yay free flights to him ), you'd see the NOLA work culture close up.

 

After you land on a job, looking for a house & storage will be easy, I'm sure friends and family and your BF will assist in the search. Say this shouldn't take over few weeks to a month. This will give you time to sublet/break the lease of your current place as well (I've done this so many times that I'm a firm believer your landlord will agree - usually the deal for me was to assist them to find new tenants - Craigslist ads, interviews etc).

 

I'm convinced that you should NOT coast in his place, even for a week, if you want to keep your stand for no cohabitation. With a job lined up and his assistance to look for an accommodation it is feasible.

 

Forget about who gives up what - if you marry you will be an unit, so all sacrifices and gains are for the unit (you two together) - act like it if you really want marriage, and from all written - you do.

 

In short: if you act now - you may be able to move there in 6 months and get all you want with minimal/zero loss. If you don't - IMO it won't go anywhere by the spring and you're really wasting your time staying in this limbo.

 

I see what you mean, and I think your solution is totally reasonable. I am actually looking at jobs there (online) but haven't made steps yet. I've just looked around and today I called a recruiter there asking for some guidance as far as whether I can transfer my experience there, if I can send resume, what the market salary is there for me. I had to leave a message. But I was thinking maybe I would just send out a couple resumes in response to some ads I saw on Craigslist, to just put some feelers out. I might get lucky and someone might be willing to answer some questions I have. With my job, it isn't too likely that I'd be getting free flights anywhere, unless I got into a big company who might do that, but for my title I don't see that is very likely. I work in the legal field but in an administrative capacity, I don't have a lot of weight as far as that goes. I'd be lucky to find a job there that pays as much as mine does, with full benefits and life insurance, 401k, etc. I may be looking at a pay cut or just a lateral move. But in any case, I am willing to start looking at my options.

 

Your timeline seems to make sense, but is not quite as easy as you make it sound. I would have to sublet my place for a month so that I could go there and find short term housing (which looks to be around what I am paying now if I got an Airbnb on the cheap for one month), so I would need to cover the expense of my stay there until I found a job, and decide if I was willing to stay. That part would be feasible, but basically I need to go there with one month's rent to put down and living expenses. I know that my bf would help out as much as possible as far as day to day expenses like food goes, etc. but things would be a bit tight if he were to support me until I found a job. He did offer, but I guess I'm not sure how much I would need to feel 'comfortable' with going there. I would guess maybe $2,000 for one month? I would have to dip into my savings for that and I prefer not to. I could get reimbursed by my subletter although that's really coming down to the wire because I need that money in advance to cover my own rent and expenses.

 

In all practicality, I need to actually BE there before I can nail down a job and actually go on interviews. I would have to depend on my bf and public transportation to get to my interviews, which would likely be 5 or so miles from where he lives, not far. So if I got short term housing, like an Airbnb or a furnished room somewhere for one month, I could look actively for jobs, and see if I still even want to stay there and decide that I really want to go all in for this guy.

 

 

At the end of that month, I could renew what I'm doing if I need to bide some more time, renew my subletter (this would be illegal as far as my landlord goes, and I would have to make sure my upcoming roommate would even be ok with that), and then I would decide to give notice and break the lease and arrange to move across the country. I really don't see how I can actually be hired there without a physical interview, let alone the employer wouldn't be too keen on the idea that I don't even live there.

I'm just picturing me applying somewhere, I tell them I don't live there, but am planning to relocate but don't have concrete plans where, etc. I would need to move there to find work. I think it's a far stretch of luck to get hired before I am actually present there.

 

I could come back to CA and pack up my things, put them in storage, move out of my place, help find a new tenant, which is all a huge headache, and then go back to a short term rental or another furnished place. Since I won't live with my bf, although that would make the whole process a hell of a lot cheaper, and wouldn't have to worry about shipping my stuff over there eventually ($$$$$$), I have to jump through all these hoops. If I did eventually live with him, we have already discussed my furniture situation and he claims I can bring whatever I want and we can make it work. I am already trying to picture how I can redecorate his house, haha and how I will arrange my furniture there, and I can put my stuff in one of the guest bedrooms, etc.

 

Anyway, let's say I do that. I would have to quit my job here. I don't get a leave of absence. I didn't ask, and I don't want to. I think I'm too proud, and I think it would reflect badly on me to my employers. I know they value me a lot, but I am replaceable. I would rather quit and then be in a position to ask for the job back in a month or two time, if things didn't work out over there. So, I'd quit my job, have no income, have to dip into my savings, and move there and try to find a comfortable, safe, furnished living situation, illegally sublet my place against my landlord's rules, have to persuade the new roommate coming in to be ok with a stranger staying here in my absence. I would have no job and would be forced to lie to my landlord and inconvenience my roommate, and then have to rely on my bf to support me, by buying my food, driving me around, and paying for my entertainment and daily activities if I couldn't do it. Yes, it would be so much easier if I were to sublet and live with him for a month while I looked for a job there, but at the end of the day, I would need to quit my job here before I do any of that. That's very scary.

 

Here is my dilemma. I think it's foolish to quit a job that you really like, that pays pretty well according to the median family income in my area I heard on the radio today at work), with security, full health insurance, etc. I realize I can find another job like that, but it probably won't be immediate, or even easy. I'm not sure it would happen in 1-6 months, like you say, and if it took that long, I'd have to find something else to support myself in the meantime, which I could. I just think people would frown upon me for quitting, particularly some family members who are very conservative. Some members of my family don't support the idea of me moving there, my dad even said it would be over his dead body that I move in with my bf. I realize I'm kind of proud, and that gets in my way sometimes. The one thing I know about myself is that I am hard working and will find a job. I have worked since I was 18 years old with the exception of my senior year in college. I've always found a job. If everything fell to **** and I had to move back home I could live with my parents (ugh!) and try and find a job here again. I don't think it reflects too well to relocate, unless you STAY at that job for a year or more. People would ask, why did you quit the job in CA? I would have to ask myself the same question... if I moved there, I couldn't find work, or only decided to stay a month or so, yeah it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, I guess. None of this is anything I ever thought I'd be doing.

 

You are right that there is nothing here that is REALLY worth that much to hang on to. My parents are getting older and I would hate to not spend time with them. I would miss them a lot. I would miss my friends too, but I already know that many of them would come and visit me because they love NO too. And of course I would come back home to visit. Just like I did the last time I left CA. I missed my aunt's funeral when I was gone last time. I regret that very much. I couldn't go because my new job wouldn't allow the time off, and I didn't have enough money for a plane ticket. I rented a furnished room and found a little job that paid enough for the room, some groceries, and my phone bill. I was broke, but I was 24. I did make it happen. Then I moved back, stayed at my mom's, found a job, and really soon after that I moved in with a friend, and went back to school. Actually, coming back was a very good move for me at that time, I basically put the 'out of CA' experience behind me and settled myself in to really being here. I never thought I would ever consider leaving again. I was very homesick, and I was living in what many people consider to be paradise.

 

What if I go to all that trouble, spend all that money, dip into my savings, which is supposed to be to buy a new car or to slowly chip away to put down on a house (probably not in CA because I can't afford it here)... then I get there and I can't find a comparable job, my boyfriend and I aren't compatible, I realize he's not the guy for me, vice versa, etc. and I lost my money, have nothing to come back to, all my belongings are in storage collecting dust, and I have to start over?

What if I get there and do all that and things seem to be going well but we find ourselves a year later and we are no closer to being married, and all this wasn't the answer to getting us closer to that commitment and togetherness? What if I get there and I realize- wow this guy has some issues that I've known all along, why did I think it would be better once we lived in the same city? What if I discover he's not the person I think he is, what if he cheats on me or betrays me, lies, isn't a good person, is lazy, doesn't share my life views and goals, etc.?

 

I guess I can answer my own questions about 'what if'. I know I could handle it if it didn't work out. I've definitely done it before. I think that if I put pressure on myself because of my age, I am just asking for disappointment. I realize I can't have children forever, but I really would like to be married and have a child within the next year or so. Like before I'm 35, that would be nice. However, I realize there are no guarantees. I may never get married or have my own children. Of course that's not what I want, but that may happen. It would probably happen if I stay here, live with a roommate and stay in my comfort zone. I have an opportunity to start a new life with this man. I admit I am not 100% sure that I would be happy with all he has to offer. He does offer a lot, but it's not ALL I want. I guess that's where I have to depend on myself for many things. I guess what I am thinking is- just because he's in front of me and we are in love and we want to be together- is that enough to KNOW that you want to devote your LIFE to this person? Would I be settling, just as some of you have suggested? I would hate to pass up an opportunity though. If I stay here, I am not getting anywhere. I have a steady income and a home that I created with all my own things in exactly the place I like them to be.

I have friends and my parents close by (the rest of my family moved out of CA for the most part), and I have my security here. But- I'm alone. What good is it when I want to have my own family? (that means husband first).

 

Sure, I would love to have met someone I connected with and fell in love with here in my own city. Yes, I would have loved to find a rich lawyer in my building and never have to worry about money or financial security.

This is the factor that I'm not sure that my current bf can provide. I think he does just fine and gets by decently, but I don't see a cushiony life with him. I see that sometimes he's not going to have a steady income, as he's independently contracting. If I wanted nice things in life, I couldn't depend on him to give it to me, I would have to do my part. I see many of my friends as housewives (which I don't envy but I do envy their financial security) and I live amongst 'yuppies' as Lana has put it. We wouldn't be well off by any means, we would be middle class all the way, probably renting for a long time, not having a lot of disposable income to spend so freely, or put into remodeling his house which I think could use it. I always take for granted how well I'm doing, when I think I'm dirt poor and have nothing to show for all my hard work. I'm doing better than I think and I'm sure it would be that way in the future with him.

 

He says although it would help him financially if I lived with him (because he wouldn't be eating out nearly as much), he also wants me to have the things that I want and he wants to help me achieve those things. Like a new car, (which he is convinced that I need soon), maybe even going back to school, etc. He wants to help support me, as much as he can. I guess that's what couples do, right? So I am grateful for that, since he is offering to do all he can, and I know he would do his best.

 

So- that is my thought process as to how it could ACTUALLY work, if I were to move there. I guess I'm kind of afraid to leave so much behind, for nothing certain, for someone I've never seen for more than a week at a time, in his day to day life, schedule, face to face. I guess my fear is what if I discover I just gave up my job and my place that I love for a guy I don't want to be with, or can't see myself marrying and being happy with?

 

At this point, although I can't put the pressure on myself to start having kids and getting married right this second, what I CAN do is only be in a serious relationship and committed to someone that I can picture being married to and being happy with as a married couple. I could picture and imagine myself married to him after this last trip. I think we are very happy together, and I think we're a great couple. I know he loves me and I love him a lot, although he's not perfect and he's not the guy I thought I'd end up with. I guess my parents too. They were hoping I'd marry a doctor or lawyer. I think at this point they just want me to be happy, although they do want to see me get married and have a child or two. My brother didn't get married or have kids for various reasons. I'm kind of like their last hope, and our family has dwindled since my grandparents died, aunts and uncles died, the grandkids all moved away except me and my one cousin. I am really wanting that family unit, and I know that my parents want that for me too. They want me to be with a man who is financially sound and who could support me if I had his child, for a period of time at least. I would want the same for my child. I wouldn't want my daughter to be with a man she had to support, or worry about supporting both of them. I don't feel that's right. They don't want to see me end up with another guy like my last boyfriend. Sometimes I wonder if my current bf will be like he was, who I found out he was.

 

 

I left CA for my ex boyfriend and left my job and place behind. I made it work there but it was the end of our relationship. Unfortunately we wouldn't let go for a couple years after that, and I did waste too much time on him. He basically took up 7 years of space in my head. I didn't find another relationship that was substantial until we had been broken up for 4 years. That's how much it affected me negatively. I don't ever want that to happen again, which is why I'm so firm about keeping my independence as far as not living together before we are sure that we want to get married and are actually engaged and planning a wedding date. I am so strongly against it I am willing to spend my savings to get my own place there, even though he thinks it's foolish. He teasingly calls me "Miss Independent". I know I only feel that way because of my past, but after you waste 10 years of your prime and what did you call it, No Go, "fertile years", you learn the hard way. I mean business now. If I were to move there, get a job, get things settled somehow, and we did not make a decision about progressing the relationship very soon after, like after dating for 2 years, that would be the end of it for me. Then I'd be almost 34 by then, single, heartbroken, in Louisiana, and have to accept that my dream of being married and having my own family may not come true after all. I'm not sure why some of us can't have that if that is what we really want. I see that I get in my own way.

[lil_missy]

Hi Venus,

 

A few thoughts

 

- your post above seems mostly similar to the posts you've made before, same issues and concerns your still having... Seems like you're going in circles again...

 

- one big thing I don't understand is why are you not willing to take a month leave without pay at work? Why is that a big deal? I wouldn't want to quit a job I loved over being away for a month either, that seems too extreme. Your job sounds stable and I take it you're a paralegal or something similar, why is leave so out of the question?

 

- I also think you're letting your past affect ur future too much. Living with your bf for a month a totally feasible, it's not permanent and much more practical than renting your own place if you wanna save money. That way also has the added bonus of spending more time with him n getting to know him deeper than living apart.

 

- other options I see for you may not be ones you'd even consider, 1) is having a baby with your bf now, that will force him to make a decision whether to come to you or 2) tell your bf it is too hard and consider opening yourself up to options locally. That might also force him to step up. 3) break up and start dating again locally, it's not too late, honestly if you meet the right person you can be married and pregnant within a year!

[No_Go]

Although I agree with your analysis, I find 1) and 2) downright dangerous.

 

Especially manipulating him with a baby - remember this man had 2 kids and NEVER married the mother, was never constant part of their life while they grew up. History will repeat - this in not a man to be conned into things.

 

Hi Venus,

 

A few thoughts

 

- your post above seems mostly similar to the posts you've made before, same issues and concerns your still having... Seems like you're going in circles again...

 

- one big thing I don't understand is why are you not willing to take a month leave without pay at work? Why is that a big deal? I wouldn't want to quit a job I loved over being away for a month either, that seems too extreme. Your job sounds stable and I take it you're a paralegal or something similar, why is leave so out of the question?

 

- I also think you're letting your past affect ur future too much. Living with your bf for a month a totally feasible, it's not permanent and much more practical than renting your own place if you wanna save money. That way also has the added bonus of spending more time with him n getting to know him deeper than living apart.

 

- other options I see for you may not be ones you'd even consider, 1) is having a baby with your bf now, that will force him to make a decision whether to come to you or 2) tell your bf it is too hard and consider opening yourself up to options locally. That might also force him to step up. 3) break up and start dating again locally, it's not too late, honestly if you meet the right person you can be married and pregnant within a year!

[GemmaUK]

From your last post you have an indefinable amount of reasons why you cannot go find a job and find a place in NO and actually never can unless you get married to him.

 

What strikes me the most though is that you said you are saving for a car.

If this relocation was a serious prospect then surely you would be saving to relocate?

 

Your lease is up next month and you seem to be putting that as some kind of deadline on things. You can actually alleviate that entirely yourself and agree to a new lease or a shorter lease some place in CA and then see how the relationship pans out instead of putting the relationship under pressure (and yourself also) by October and the end of the lease being the make or break time.

Relationships and leases are different things and if you value the relationship then a lease is just a technicality - Heck! 6 months of a new lease could give you time to find a new job, save for that relocation, get to know him better and prepare for moving if you decide to do so.

[No_Go]

@Venus - i read your last post, although it is great you put so much though around eventual move - I see major issues:

 

If I were you, I'd never ever move there with no job for so many reasons. Him 'supporting' you, even with food IS playing house. You are just dating, don't put the horse in front of the cartridge. Second - going there without a job will make him your sole source of social interaction - I bet you'd hate each other before you know it because of this social isolation and pressure. Third - you are still talking about a test drive (subletting for a month etc). If you are to go for it - do it 100% in, or don't do it at all - I bet he can read your hesitation and that's contagious.

 

I personally relocated for jobs overseas - it is not that big of a deal. I sold most of my furniture and packed the rest maybe within a week or two? Then moved and was up and running with my new life within another week or two.

 

Phone and skype interviews are increasingly common and no one will give a sh*t that you don't live there if you have a firm intent to relocate. Big companies will pay your moving expenses as well. Life in NO us cheaper so lower salary will give you the same lifestyle. Same salary will make you richer.

 

I don't see how you can have a baby within next year even if you engage tomorrow - there still will be 6 months minimum to a wedding - plan realistically. I also don't see why your life will be doomed if you live and work in NO - obviously you can date others there if this relationship fails, find other jobs there etc. I'm saying it from the position of someone who has done the moving (2x to different countries). And if you want fine life - what's wrong with you being the main breadwinner?? He is supporting his daily expenses, it's not like he'll be dependent on you. And btw - the house is his inheritance, right? I wouldn't worry about a downpayment if so - you can live there indefinitely (maybe save for renovations).

 

Just send 5-10 resumes and see the response. You don't know before doing it. I think that's the next step if you want marriage, not ring dreaming.

Edited September 14, 2016 by No_Go

[clia]

There are going to be loads of "what ifs" in a scenario like this. I don't blame you one bit for being hesitant to take the plunge. There is no way in hell that I would do it, if I were in your shoes.

 

That said, if you are going to make all of these sacrifices and take all of this risk, your boyfriend needs to also have some skin in the game. In my view, he needs to contribute financially to this undertaking in a substantial way, not just buying food. The two of you need to sit down and figure out a savings plan to accumulate the $3-5000 you will need to go out there. (I personally don't think 2-3000 is enough.). Both of you need to be saving toward it, not just you. And I totally agree that you need your own place. I also think you should not solely rely on him for transport. Is there decent public transport in New Orleans?

 

I'm also a bit alarmed by you subletting your current place when it's not allowed and having to rely on your roommate to agree to let you sublet. (I wouldn't agree to that if I were your roommate.). Have you told her this might be the plan so she can make an informed decision about whether or not to renew the lease with you?

 

Finally...at worst it costs you inconvenience and money. You will eventually find a job and a place to live and work things out. You can always go back to CA. You just need to figure out if it's worth all that to try and find out if this is the right guy for you. Honestly, you don't sound convinced at all that it's worth it.