When it rains it pours

[Redhead14]

You may be right, that he would quit out of frustration. This has ALWAYS worried me, simply because we are long distance. I don’t feel he would give up after all this investment. He admitted to me that there have been times in the past that he considered breaking this off, in the beginning, when we weren’t so sure, or before things had developed the way they have. I mean, yes of course I worry that he will get frustrated and give up on me, say, “Screw this long distance, I want to date someone in my own city”- I mean, that thought has crossed my mind too in the past. (I could never admit this to him but he admitted to me). But he said he’s so happy with me and loves me, he wouldn’t want to lose that. So he commits to this. He doesn’t feel it’s worth giving up. That’s what he told me last night in fact. So he said he’s willing to be patient, this can’t happen overnight. I mean, I can take his word or not. Of course either one of us can quit.

Gemma, we did not agree to me moving there awhile back. There was no concrete plan and nothing has changed. It has gotten closer to actually happening, whereas before it was just a distant idea.

 

What more information could I get on the child issue? He is open to it, he would be happy, he loves me, etc. Can I possibly plan out and predetermine the child issue? I mean, as long as he’s not saying “no, I don’t want any more children” what problem is there?

Do you mean to say that you think he’s just interested in playing house? That he likes the idea of living together and being together, but he’s not really interested in a marriage or a marriage and family?

 

That he likes the idea of living together and being together, but he’s not really interested in a marriage or a marriage and family

 

I have been following this thread and have not commented at all because there seems to be enough input/support, however, this last post above implies that you two haven't had a conversation about each other's life/long-term goals. Is that true? If so, that conversation is way overdue.

 

If you are looking to be married and having children by a certain time in your life, he needs to know that and he needs to tell you if he sees himself being married and having kids. I don't mean that you know for sure it would be with each other right now because of the distance but if you two don't have that common goal to begin with, you're already too far in here.

 

I may have missed posts about this, so forgive me for being "late" to the party. But, when I read that last paragraph, I just had to chime in.

[sagamore]

You may be right, that he would quit out of frustration. This has ALWAYS worried me, simply because we are long distance. I don’t feel he would give up after all this investment. He admitted to me that there have been times in the past that he considered breaking this off, in the beginning, when we weren’t so sure, or before things had developed the way they have. I mean, yes of course I worry that he will get frustrated and give up on me, say, “Screw this long distance, I want to date someone in my own city”- I mean, that thought has crossed my mind too in the past. (I could never admit this to him but he admitted to me). But he said he’s so happy with me and loves me, he wouldn’t want to lose that. So he commits to this. He doesn’t feel it’s worth giving up. That’s what he told me last night in fact. So he said he’s willing to be patient, this can’t happen overnight. I mean, I can take his word or not. Of course either one of us can quit.

Gemma, we did not agree to me moving there awhile back. There was no concrete plan and nothing has changed. It has gotten closer to actually happening, whereas before it was just a distant idea.

 

What more information could I get on the child issue? He is open to it, he would be happy, he loves me, etc. Can I possibly plan out and predetermine the child issue? I mean, as long as he’s not saying “no, I don’t want any more children” what problem is there?

Do you mean to say that you think he’s just interested in playing house? That he likes the idea of living together and being together, but he’s not really interested in a marriage or a marriage and family?

 

There is a WORLD of difference between "I would be open to a kid under the right circumstances, it's just a lot to think about," etc. etc. and "I want to have another child." I don't think he's deliberately leading you on -- I just don't think he has decided yet whether he wants to get married or have kids. He's thinking in the short term, like he's frustrated with the distance and wants his girlfriend close to him. Nothing nefarious about that. But when you definitely want marriage and a child, and you have to give up your job and apartment to move across the country...I'm not sure his life goals and yours are compatible.

[No_Go]

Considering my recent experience - ring / marriage / kids talk is very very cheap if there is no time frame attached to it. Seems like guys talk about this things if they like to picture themselves in a situation even when they don't know when or with whom - but just entertain the idea.

 

Venus - I think life just showed me that YOU are right on not moving in with him. Don't move in with him if you have any insecurities - the higher cost of moving there in your own place will buy you a security that he's not with you just for convenience.

 

One thing is popping very clearly from the thread - you're BOTH not sure yet commitment with each other is worth the risk. No reason to move in or marry under this circumstances. It will save you lots of headaches.

[lana-banana]

I just don't believe living together before marriage is a requirement. I already know that he would be happy just to have me there, even if I don't live with him.

 

You keep saying this, but it doesn't look that way to me. He's still working overtime to convince you to live with him. He hand-wrote you a letter about how important it was to live together before marriage, and then you spent last night talking about what your life together would be like. It sounds like he's trying very, very hard to win you over to his perspective, and he knows to mix in some talk of rings and children and all that jazz.

 

You talk about not wasting time but you've honestly wasted a lot already. It's been a year and you aren't even sure if you're ready to be in the same city. Everyone needs to move at their own pace, but if you're in a hurry then this is not the way to go about things.

 

Well, what IS the resolution? How can we not agree to disagree? One person has to compromise. And I would feel very untrue to myself if I caved in and moved in with him, with no commitment. It just wouldn't feel right to me. I know he's getting frustrated and actually that is good, not bad.

 

No, it really isn't. You have a fundamental incompatibility on a major issue, the kind of thing that lead to deeper bonding or a break-up, and you have essentially decided you're going to push him to his breaking point. That's manipulation, not love.

 

We had a long talk tonight about what it would be like if we lived together. The day to day things, and also planning together for the future. I felt really good about the talk, and the things we talked about, I am happy to hear that he takes it seriously and wants to talk about these things.The way he sees it, living together would benefit both of us, in addition to me saving money, and he's happy to help me have the things I want. I would make my own money, I could buy a new car, I could put money away to buy a place (someday) and he said he would like to do that with me. As far as day to day things, we would do things together, like cooking at home, we have a lot of similar interests too so that would be fun of course to share those activities, we'd have our lives together and plan for the future, etc. He sounds like he's really ready for this.

 

These are not plans. These are pretty words designed to put you in a good mood (see above). There's nothing wrong with it, but you need to recognize it for what it is.

 

No one has ever been so insistent on wanting me to move in before. No one has been as persistent as he has.

 

Again, this doesn't strike me as particularly romantic. He wants all the benefits of you living with him and will push you very hard until he can reap said benefits.

 

I don't know what you're looking for at this point. If things are right, things are right, and if things happen, things happen. It just doesn't look like anything has actually happened in a long time. You continue to talk and fantasize and keep pushing each other to accept your (apparently irreconcilable) points of view. That sounds exhausting. introverted1 is right: you need to just make a decision and go with it.

[venusishername]

Considering my recent experience - ring / marriage / kids talk is very very cheap if there is no time frame attached to it. Seems like guys talk about this things if they like to picture themselves in a situation even when they don't know when or with whom - but just entertain the idea. Venus - I think life just showed me that YOU are right on not moving in with him. Don't move in with him if you have any insecurities - the higher cost of moving there in your own place will buy you a security that he's not with you just for convenience. One thing is popping very clearly from the thread - you're BOTH not sure yet commitment with each other is worth the risk. No reason to move in or marry under this circumstances. It will save you lots of headaches.

Yes, now you see why I am so firm about not living together before any real commitment is made. It works for some people, but it never worked for me. Talk IS cheap. And this is precisely the reason why I have not moved there/moved in. Because it is just talk. Until he is clear, sure, and committed, not just this ‘let’s see how it goes’.. I hesitate to go anywhere.

There is a WORLD of difference between "I would be open to a kid under the right circumstances, it's just a lot to think about," etc. etc. and "I want to have another child." I don't think he's deliberately leading you on -- I just don't think he has decided yet whether he wants to get married or have kids. He's thinking in the short term, like he's frustrated with the distance and wants his girlfriend close to him. Nothing nefarious about that. But when you definitely want marriage and a child, and you have to give up your job and apartment to move across the country...I'm not sure his life goals and yours are compatible.

What should I do then? Please tell me how I can find out, how I can resolve this.

I was very clear, and very early on… that I was interested a relationship leading to marriage, and I would like to have a child if married, and both goals are things I would like within the near future (within the next year or so). I have repeatedly talked with him about this. He knows what I want. He is also interested in getting married, and he also wants a family unit. I mean, is this incompatible? If we both want those things, but both are only willing to do that with the right person, that makes us on the same page, am I right? I want to get married and have a child. But I don’t want to marry just anyone. Aren’t we both in the same position?

I asked him last week, ‘what do you want from me?’: I said in order for me to move there, I need to know if you just want me to live with you or you are serious about a future with me’. He said he has been thinking about these things for some time, he is thinking about it now. And then he always talks about the future, so I know he is seriously thinking about it.

What else can I do to find out for 100% sure that our life goals are compatible?? I’ve told him what I am looking for, my intentions in a serious relationship, he says he would like to get married, and would be open to having a child, etc. He talks about the future. I would like to know, Sagamore.. how will I know?

 

That he likes the idea of living together and being together, but he’s not really interested in a marriage or a marriage and family

I have been following this thread and have not commented at all because there seems to be enough input/support, however, this last post above implies that you two haven't had a conversation about each other's life/long-term goals. Is that true? If so, that conversation is way overdue.

If you are looking to be married and having children by a certain time in your life, he needs to know that and he needs to tell you if he sees himself being married and having kids. I don't mean that you know for sure it would be with each other right now because of the distance but if you two don't have that common goal to begin with, you're already too far in here.

I may have missed posts about this, so forgive me for being "late" to the party. But, when I read that last paragraph, I just had to chime in.

No, it is not true that we haven’t had these conversations. Also, it isn’t true “That he likes the idea of living together and being together, but he’s not really interested in a marriage or a marriage and family“ See my comment to Sagamore above. If you all feel I am missing something, or not asking him the right questions, or hearing him correctly, please let me know.

I have obviously misinterpreted several weeks worth of postings. My apologies for that. It came across to me that you have pretty much both decided that the move was easier for you so that would be the plan.

I have to say that it sounds like that is also how he has interpreted your discussions also though. EG: 'What can I do to get you here' and 'I know a spot for the cat litter tray' and all the other comments he has made as if the choice between who moves is a foregone conclusion and that it'll be you moving.

You also discussed a move in January a few posts back.

If it's 50/50 and it could be him moving in January are you sure he knows that? It doesn't sound like he does to me.

It's a bit of a crucial thing as more preparation would be required on his part as I am guessing he would be selling his house which at a minimum could take 3 months (at least it does here in the UK) from a buyer to exchanging contracts, not even counting time for viewings and not yet having a buyer.

I’m sorry, Gemma. I feel sometimes my words get lost in translation, or lost in all the posts. He’s not selling his house. Yes, we are currently discussing me moving to NOLA after the first of the year. I hope that clears everything up.

No, it really isn't. You have a fundamental incompatibility on a major issue, the kind of thing that lead to deeper bonding or a break-up, and you have essentially decided you're going to push him to his breaking point. That's manipulation, not love.

Ugh. DO we have a fundamental incompatibility? Because I won’t live with him before we are both sure we want to get married and are making steps to actually do that (not just talk)? And he wants to live together so we can be together and just let the chips fall naturally? CAN this be resolved or do we just need to both be sure we want to commit (for real)?

And I’m not trying to manipulate him or give an ultimatum. This is very different than setting a firm boundary. I’m just not willing to budge on my firm boundary. I learned the hard way. Like Sagamore said, “But when you definitely want marriage and a child, and you have to give up your job and apartment to move across the country...”- I need a lot more than talk about rings, litter box location and all these nice thoughts.

I don't know what you're looking for at this point. If things are right, things are right, and if things happen, things happen. It just doesn't look like anything has actually happened in a long time. You continue to talk and fantasize and keep pushing each other to accept your (apparently irreconcilable) points of view. That sounds exhausting. introverted1 is right: you need to just make a decision and go with it.

I know nothing can be guaranteed. So I don’t know for sure whether his life goals are aligned with mine, or like Sagamore says, he is just thinking short term. After all I’ve done, said what I want, asked what he wants, talked about that, how else can I really know?? Is moving there and taking the plunge the only way things can happen?

My new roommate moved in this past week. I love my place, but I don’t love living with a roommate anymore. This can’t last for much longer. If only my place was affordable enough for me to cover on my own, but it’s not. I want my own place, with my man. I’m ready to grow up now. Maybe making a change is the only way I can achieve that. I’m not growing by staying where I am.

[GemmaUK]

OK, help me out here with one thing.

It sounds to me like he thinks and like you have agreed upon you moving there yet not many posts apart:

 

Your post #1374

Gemma, we did not agree to me moving there awhile back. There was no concrete plan and nothing has changed. It has gotten closer to actually happening, whereas before it was just a distant idea.

 

Your post #1380

I’m sorry, Gemma. I feel sometimes my words get lost in translation, or lost in all the posts. He’s not selling his house. Yes, we are currently discussing me moving to NOLA after the first of the year. I hope that clears everything up.

 

So you are still only at discussing point then? These two posts of yours are only a day or so apart so I'm not sure how to respond now.

 

I'm real confused! It also sounds to me like he thinks you have agreed you will move there and that you have both agreed upon January? I thought you had agreed also - hence you are saving money for relocation expenses?

[No_Go]

V, the thing is you can never know for sure what his intentions are. They can also change on the go. It's like a job - good interview is no guarantee for good long term fit. You either take a leap or not. Giving up a place with a roommate is hardly a sacrifice. Wasting months in hesitation when you're in your 30s and want kids IS a sacrifice. Living together when you don't want to IS a sacrifice but sunce that won't be the case and you'd get your own place I don't see the big deal.

 

 

Yes, now you see why I am so firm about not living together before any real commitment is made. It works for some people, but it never worked for me. Talk IS cheap. And this is precisely the reason why I have not moved there/moved in. Because it is just talk. Until he is clear, sure, and committed, not just this ‘let’s see how it goes’.. I hesitate to go anywhere.

 

What should I do then? Please tell me how I can find out, how I can resolve this.

I was very clear, and very early on… that I was interested a relationship leading to marriage, and I would like to have a child if married, and both goals are things I would like within the near future (within the next year or so). I have repeatedly talked with him about this. He knows what I want. He is also interested in getting married, and he also wants a family unit. I mean, is this incompatible? If we both want those things, but both are only willing to do that with the right person, that makes us on the same page, am I right? I want to get married and have a child. But I don’t want to marry just anyone. Aren’t we both in the same position?

I asked him last week, ‘what do you want from me?’: I said in order for me to move there, I need to know if you just want me to live with you or you are serious about a future with me’. He said he has been thinking about these things for some time, he is thinking about it now. And then he always talks about the future, so I know he is seriously thinking about it.

What else can I do to find out for 100% sure that our life goals are compatible?? I’ve told him what I am looking for, my intentions in a serious relationship, he says he would like to get married, and would be open to having a child, etc. He talks about the future. I would like to know, Sagamore.. how will I know?

 

 

No, it is not true that we haven’t had these conversations. Also, it isn’t true “That he likes the idea of living together and being together, but he’s not really interested in a marriage or a marriage and family“ See my comment to Sagamore above. If you all feel I am missing something, or not asking him the right questions, or hearing him correctly, please let me know.

 

I’m sorry, Gemma. I feel sometimes my words get lost in translation, or lost in all the posts. He’s not selling his house. Yes, we are currently discussing me moving to NOLA after the first of the year. I hope that clears everything up.

 

Ugh. DO we have a fundamental incompatibility? Because I won’t live with him before we are both sure we want to get married and are making steps to actually do that (not just talk)? And he wants to live together so we can be together and just let the chips fall naturally? CAN this be resolved or do we just need to both be sure we want to commit (for real)?

And I’m not trying to manipulate him or give an ultimatum. This is very different than setting a firm boundary. I’m just not willing to budge on my firm boundary. I learned the hard way. Like Sagamore said, “But when you definitely want marriage and a child, and you have to give up your job and apartment to move across the country...”- I need a lot more than talk about rings, litter box location and all these nice thoughts.

 

I know nothing can be guaranteed. So I don’t know for sure whether his life goals are aligned with mine, or like Sagamore says, he is just thinking short term. After all I’ve done, said what I want, asked what he wants, talked about that, how else can I really know?? Is moving there and taking the plunge the only way things can happen?

My new roommate moved in this past week. I love my place, but I don’t love living with a roommate anymore. This can’t last for much longer. If only my place was affordable enough for me to cover on my own, but it’s not. I want my own place, with my man. I’m ready to grow up now. Maybe making a change is the only way I can achieve that. I’m not growing by staying where I am.

[venusishername]

V, the thing is you can never know for sure what his intentions are. They can also change on the go. It's like a job - good interview is no guarantee for good long term fit. You either take a leap or not. Giving up a place with a roommate is hardly a sacrifice. Wasting months in hesitation when you're in your 30s and want kids IS a sacrifice. Living together when you don't want to IS a sacrifice but sunce that won't be the case and you'd get your own place I don't see the big deal.

Well said, No Go. You are right!!

I have a great place but I can't afford to live here by myself, so I have to share my space. Most of my peers are in the same position, all of us are professionals with college degrees, but the cost to live here is just so high, a lot of people are moving out of the area! Many of my friends in my twenties have moved away, or have moved on and had families, or are relocated due to military. CA is beautiful, and it's so close to my heart, I am born and raised here, it's just gorgeous every single day. I live in an amazing place. Compared to the swampy South, I mean, there's no comparison. Although NO has a culture that you can't find here. The people are kind, friendly, and tight. The music is the best I've ever experienced. New Orleans has real soul. It's amazing.

 

 

I think about the comment Sagamore made.. is he just thinking short term. I mean, we have a great relationship and I know he loves me a lot. He wants to be together and at the end of the day so do I. It may not work out, it may, but it's true that I want to be sure as possible that we have the same long term goals. We both desire marriage, yes. I know that he values marriage and has strong family values, he even leans towards the conservative mindset as far as family values, church and community, etc. He has similar values to how I was raised, and that is of course what I am looking for.

But I need to be sure that we are after the same thing, with each other. How can I know for sure? Well, how does anyone know for sure... I wonder if there is something MORE I can ask, or say... to be sure of that? I'm not sure what more I CAN say or ask. Sagamore?

 

OK, help me out here with one thing.

It sounds to me like he thinks and like you have agreed upon you moving there yet not many posts apart:

 

So you are still only at discussing point then? These two posts of yours are only a day or so apart so I'm not sure how to respond now.

 

I'm real confused! It also sounds to me like he thinks you have agreed you will move there and that you have both agreed upon January? I thought you had agreed also - hence you are saving money for relocation expenses?

 

 

I'm sorry, I would say that YES, we are currently 'shooting for' after the holidays. It would be a good time, and to be honest, I want to take the next couple months to learn more, get some more answers, (as much as I can), and to be confident that I am making a good choice. So to answer your question, there is nothing concrete YET. I am looking into work there, but can't interview until I get there. I could easily find a temporary housing, that's not a big worry. Yes, in the meantime I'm working on saving, I have an upcoming bonus, he's coming here in early November *looking at tickets, pending this week... holidays are coming. I'm planning to sell my car around the holidays and get a reliable one to possibly drive out there. So yes, things are pending. I'm talking with friends and family about it too and sharing my concerns and they all tell me to take a risk and do it. I can always come home, it's true.

As I've said over and over here, I want to be sure I'm not wasting my time with someone who isn't sharing my long term goals, or at least has those intentions.

The more I get to know him, each day that goes by, I love him more and more. He's a good man and treats me like gold. He's adoring and considerate, and just a sweetheart. We want to be together and he makes me happy! I find myself smiling a lot because he is in my life. When I told him I couldn't get more time off this year to come see him, he was happy to come here, and we are already talking about things we plan to do while he's here. I just don't see that me moving in with him would change our feelings, you know? Either we want to do this or we don't. Like Lana said, you just get to a point where you think it is worth the risk, any uncertainty..maybe it's taken me longer than it would most people but I have some baggage and relationship anxiety. It seems as if he's willing to do what it takes to sustain and nurture the relationship, and he takes it seriously. I told him today, half-jokingly, "I'm real sorry I couldn't make it out there again, I was really looking forward to going there again next month. But I guess you're just gonna have to come get me." Ha- In a way I want the knight in shining armor gesture.. if he wants me to be with him, he needs to ACT and not just talk about it and fantasize about what our life would be like together. I don't see what's wrong with wanting some more action before I move across the country. Like Sagamore said.

 

I was thinking the other day. I don't want my life to look like this forever. I have a good job, I live in a great location, I have great friends. My family is dispersed now and I have a brother who is removed from the family due to his drug addictions.. So my family ties are not as binding as they used to be. I am very close to my parents, who are not young, nearing 70... and I hate to be away from them as they get older. But, my mom told me she wants me to be happy. If that means me moving away, so be it. She just wants the best for me. I do too. I want to be sure that I am making the decision (to move there, to marry him in the near future)- that is in my best interest.

I would hate to move out of CA again for another boyfriend who only was thinking short term and didn't have the balls to break it off when he knew that I was looking for marriage and a family unit.

I think a lot about what happened in that last relationship, now that I am in this one. I can see a lot of differences. Most of the things my ex did would never happen with my bf. I FEAR some things, of course, but that's my fear getting in the way. It has taken me a lot of time to be fully ready for a full on commitment. My bf has had to be very patient and has taken the due time to get to know me, and has put a lot of effort into this. He said that I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had, and he was married. He implied that I am better to him and for him than she was. So- if he married her, and made a decision to do that within a year or so of dating, then why wouldn't he do the same with me? I think he loves me a lot. Does loving someone a lot mean that you want to marry them? No.

How do you really know for sure that you want to marry someone? What does it take to be ready? Is it a plotted out, methodical plan and conversation, or is it just what your heart says to do? I don't know because I've never been married.

I also think a lot about opportunities I have had when I was in my early-mid twenties, I was proposed to, I was pregnant before, I turned a lot of guys down that were in love and wanted me. I just realize I'm one of those women who is very independent and strong willed, all the men I've ever dated, or the ones who wanted me, weren't what I was looking for. I didn't love them. My ex was just a bad person who wanted me to get an abortion and who played me, manipulated me, lied, stalked, harassed, and was controlling. He wasted so much of my time, I feel I carry that with me today. It's a resentment. And I don't want to carry that over to my bf, however I don't want to spend years in a relationship that isn't moving towards marriage.

 

 

If I were to do this, to move there... I would give a timeline of 2 years (next October) to either marry him or break up. One year is a good enough amount of time to get to know each other, decide if you are compatible and have shared goals for the future, etc. From there, I personally believe that it shouldn't take much more time to decide if you want to make a real commitment, not just dating. I know many people take a lot longer, but at this point in my life, I'm not willing to put in so much time again. So, I move there. Get a job, get my own place, date him in the same city. Go grocery shopping together, watch TV at home, pay the bills together and do the every day things. I already know his quirks and his weaknesses, and vice versa. I think we are pretty close to knowing now at one year that we like each other a lot and we make each other happy and we want to be together, and we are talking about the future; I can see his point that if I just get there, things would fall into place. He's probably right.

[lana-banana]

How do you really know for sure that you want to marry someone? What does it take to be ready? Is it a plotted out, methodical plan and conversation, or is it just what your heart says to do?

 

These are great questions, and some I feel remotely qualified to answer. Other married/engaged/long-term committed folks should weigh in too.

 

How do you really know for sure that you want to marry someone? There are so many amazing things about my fiance that I could spend pages describing all his good qualities and still find more. He energizes and inspires me, and my heart still skips a beat when I see him across the room. But he's not perfect. Sometimes he's impulsive, easily distracted, and forgetful. For a while I worried about his reliability. But he has proven to me over and over that when it's important I can count on him. He has never let me down for something significant. He has always, always been there for me when I needed it. That reliability is part of what made me sure I wanted a long-term future with him.

 

What does it take to be ready? Ample experience in good times and bad. Toasting with champagne and a five-course meal at New Year's Eve, strolling hand-in-hand at the farmers' market, sitting through a deeply uncomfortable drive while you explain why you're annoyed at each other. Neither of us have ever yelled, but we do sometimes get really upset and briefly retreat to a corner to calm down and regroup.

 

A huge part of a stable relationship is being able to handle major disappointments, even catastrophes, in a healthy way. Before our first fight I wondered how my fiance would react because he can be so, well, capricious. But he's consistently responsible and mature, even more than I am sometimes. I know there will be plenty of times in the future when we want to throttle each other, and I'm encouraged by knowing how well we handle that.

 

Is it a plotted out, methodical plan and conversation, or is it just what your heart says to do? I think once you feel emotionally secure with being with someone for the rest of your life, then it turns methodical.

 

- On our first date he said he was terrified of marriage and said he couldn't ever imagine getting married. I was feeling somewhat similar at the time but reminded myself it could be a red flag later.

- At around six months he started talking about our hypothetical wedding ceremony.

- Later we went to a friends' wedding and he said "you know, being married to you, um, wouldn't be the worst thing".

- At nine months I told him I loved him, but decided I wanted marriage, and was not going to be anyone's forever girlfriend. He told me if our relationship continued on a positive path that we would go in that direction/

- After one year he told me straight-up that he wanted to marry me. I panicked somewhat and asked what that meant---did he have a timeline? Plans? Ideas? His response was honest as always: no, he didn't know anything just yet and wasn't ready for that, but he would be someday.

- In January of this year we discussed our leases expiring and what we would do. We decided I would move in with him once my lease expired.

- In March we decided to buy a house by the beginning of October when his lease expired. I was clear that we'd have to be engaged by then. His response: "Okay!" He proposed in the beginning of September.

 

Yes, there was ample planning involved---he calls me Patty Plan-Ahead for a reason---but at the end of the day there wasn't any forcing or arm-twisting. He was straightforward with me and we both kept our ends of the bargain. Once we were absolutely certain we wanted to be married it was just a matter of getting organized.

 

Also, I'll echo what Sagamore and others have mentioned: you need to get a straight answer on the children issue. If you are one hundred percent committed to raising a child then you need to make sure he feels the same way, because being "open to" the possibility is not remotely the same. Consider me. It's not clear if I'm fertile, I like the idea of raising a child but am worried about the expense, and don't consider it a life goal. If things happened that made me feel more secure in my future (and the future of the planet!), and I thought we could handle it both financially and professionally, I wouldn't necessarily be opposed to having a kid. I'm not really counting on having kids, but I'm open to it. That sounds quite different from where you are.

 

Your boyfriend can't just be "open to" it. My fear is you may go down there and get engaged, even married, but never have children because your boyfriend isn't in a place where he feels it's a financially responsible decision. He's previously implied he needs to be more financially sound before kids come into the picture. What if it's six or seven more years before that happens? Would you be okay having kids at 40 or later, or not at all? They're just more things to think about before you go down there.

[venusishername]

These are great questions, and some I feel remotely qualified to answer. Other married/engaged/long-term committed folks should weigh in too.

 

How do you really know for sure that you want to marry someone? There are so many amazing things about my fiance that I could spend pages describing all his good qualities and still find more. He energizes and inspires me, and my heart still skips a beat when I see him across the room. But he's not perfect. Sometimes he's impulsive, easily distracted, and forgetful. For a while I worried about his reliability. But he has proven to me over and over that when it's important I can count on him. He has never let me down for something significant. He has always, always been there for me when I needed it. That reliability is part of what made me sure I wanted a long-term future with him.

 

What does it take to be ready? Ample experience in good times and bad. Toasting with champagne and a five-course meal at New Year's Eve, strolling hand-in-hand at the farmers' market, sitting through a deeply uncomfortable drive while you explain why you're annoyed at each other. Neither of us have ever yelled, but we do sometimes get really upset and briefly retreat to a corner to calm down and regroup.

 

A huge part of a stable relationship is being able to handle major disappointments, even catastrophes, in a healthy way. Before our first fight I wondered how my fiance would react because he can be so, well, capricious. But he's consistently responsible and mature, even more than I am sometimes. I know there will be plenty of times in the future when we want to throttle each other, and I'm encouraged by knowing how well we handle that.

 

Is it a plotted out, methodical plan and conversation, or is it just what your heart says to do? I think once you feel emotionally secure with being with someone for the rest of your life, then it turns methodical.

 

- On our first date he said he was terrified of marriage and said he couldn't ever imagine getting married. I was feeling somewhat similar at the time but reminded myself it could be a red flag later.

- At around six months he started talking about our hypothetical wedding ceremony.

- Later we went to a friends' wedding and he said "you know, being married to you, um, wouldn't be the worst thing".

- At nine months I told him I loved him, but decided I wanted marriage, and was not going to be anyone's forever girlfriend. He told me if our relationship continued on a positive path that we would go in that direction/

- After one year he told me straight-up that he wanted to marry me. I panicked somewhat and asked what that meant---did he have a timeline? Plans? Ideas? His response was honest as always: no, he didn't know anything just yet and wasn't ready for that, but he would be someday.

- In January of this year we discussed our leases expiring and what we would do. We decided I would move in with him once my lease expired.

- In March we decided to buy a house by the beginning of October when his lease expired. I was clear that we'd have to be engaged by then. His response: "Okay!" He proposed in the beginning of September.

 

Yes, there was ample planning involved---he calls me Patty Plan-Ahead for a reason---but at the end of the day there wasn't any forcing or arm-twisting. He was straightforward with me and we both kept our ends of the bargain. Once we were absolutely certain we wanted to be married it was just a matter of getting organized.

 

Also, I'll echo what Sagamore and others have mentioned: you need to get a straight answer on the children issue. If you are one hundred percent committed to raising a child then you need to make sure he feels the same way, because being "open to" the possibility is not remotely the same. Consider me. It's not clear if I'm fertile, I like the idea of raising a child but am worried about the expense, and don't consider it a life goal. If things happened that made me feel more secure in my future (and the future of the planet!), and I thought we could handle it both financially and professionally, I wouldn't necessarily be opposed to having a kid. I'm not really counting on having kids, but I'm open to it. That sounds quite different from where you are.

 

Your boyfriend can't just be "open to" it. My fear is you may go down there and get engaged, even married, but never have children because your boyfriend isn't in a place where he feels it's a financially responsible decision. He's previously implied he needs to be more financially sound before kids come into the picture. What if it's six or seven more years before that happens? Would you be okay having kids at 40 or later, or not at all? They're just more things to think about before you go down there.

 

Thank you Lana. I think the way things happened for you sounds natural, although well thought out. I would expect after a year of dating to be pretty sure that you could see yourself marrying someone. I always thought within two years of serious dating that is make or break time, anything longer than that is wasting time. Just my opinion. I spent over 4 years in 2 previous relationships, it is my belief that was a big mistake. But I didn't know better then.

My bf started talking about our hypothetical wedding after about 6-8 months in. He asked me several months ago if I would want to marry him. That wasn't a proposal, he was just looking for my reaction. He asked me to move in around that same time. So I also know he (like yours) was thinking about it within a year's time. I think living together is a big deal. It's a form of commitment without marriage. I think that many people think that living together is a prerequisite to marriage, but as I know, unless you decide (like you did) that marriage with that person is the goal/intention before moving in, you'll waste time being a live-in girlfriend with no commitment. So that is exactly what I need to know, with more certainty, before I move across the country.

 

 

Also -I agree with you about the child issue. At this point I would be happy with one child, because I'm older now and I know I could give more to one child than multiple. However, and I'm being really honest here, I would rather have a good marriage than have a child. But I think having a child is the result of a good marriage with two people who love each other. It's a natural result. You know? I'm not sure of half the world planned out having a child when it happened. I know only a handful of people who 'tried' to get pregnant. Many times it just happens, and you can't plan everything. My bf and I are not currently in a position to plan to have a child. We're not married, we don't live together, and there is no commitment more than dating. And to answer your question, no, I would not wait around until I was 40 until I had a child, if I married him.

 

 

What would you suggest that I ask him then, to be sure we are on the same page? I was wondering this question about marriage too. I mean, I could ask him and talk about it, as I thought I have been doing, but is there something concrete he would say to make me sure of it?

He already has kids. He was married, but she sounds like a loose cannon and not a good wife anyway. He told me that he wanted to do it right this time, he wanted a wife and to have a family unit. So- is that sufficient? That's what I want too.

As far as being in a more financially sound position- I think if we decided to really do this, then we would for certain work together towards savings and security is very important to us. I think as a team effort it could be accomplished. He spends like a bachelor and has no wife or child to support and live with now, so I mean, I am sure that if we were in that position both of our spending habits would change. Instead of him eating out all the time and spending money on sunglasses and rental cars, he would (I would hope) be spending that money on putting towards a new car, towards his house/remodel, saving money with me to buy a place, opening up a savings account together, etc. I would also change my spending habits. I wouldn't be buying expensive perfume and furniture and going out for drinks and dinner so often with friends.

 

 

If I'm honest with myself, although he lives like a bachelor and spends for himself, he seems to really want to contribute to the things I want and are important to me. This is good. He has offered to help me put a down payment on my new car I'm looking at. He has said that he would want to help contribute with me if I wanted to buy, like a small house or condo, etc. And although he lives like a bachelor now, it's not really his fault because he's been single for a long time, this is the bulk of what he knows. His kids didn't live with him when they were growing up. He had joint custody but the mothers took care of them every day. He didn't have his family at home back then, his ex wife was flighty and I don't see any comparison to me and the kind of wife I would be and want to be. But I can see in him that he also wants to settle in and settle down. He did want that family unit. He does value marriage. He can be a bit of a homebody sometimes. When I stayed there last month, he took me to work with him, we stopped at the grocery store, he pushed the cart while I checked off the list of ingredients to make dinner, we got home, he puttered around in his workshop in the yard, I went out to find him and told him that dinner would be ready in 20 minutes, he came inside and showered, and we ate with his daughter, they washed the dishes and cleaned up. I could see that would be how a typical home day would be with him. It reminded me of my parents. If he's not out on a Saturday night, he likes to work out and then watch TV at home. I'm just trying to say that he seems like he wants to be settled, although very social and outgoing and active, he's also a man who values his home life. And that is something I have been observing to determine what he would be like as a husband and father material. He loves children. It is so endearing to see him around kids; he values a family unit, I can see that. He comes from a good family himself, like I do. My point is, he values family. He adores his kids, although his daughter gives him a hard time. He is very devoted to his kids and very protective of them. So that shows me what he would be like as a father.

 

However, this doesn't mean that he wants to be a father to another child, or to put it another way, he's not in a position where he is going to TRY and have another child, same goes for me at this moment. We have both said we would like to be married first, so we're not married and so planning for a child is premature. Well then, to close this out... I guess the best way to find out for sure is to ask him then, 'if we were to get married, would you want to plan to have a child within the near future, like within a year or two?' Am I right?

 

 

What if he says no? Or what if he gives a vague response?

In my mind the same question applies for our intentions to marry each other. Sagamore says he is looking short term. He just wants to be closer to me, although I know he has talked about us getting married, etc.

Here's another tough question that he didn't answer when I asked a few weeks ago. He gave a response like, "I've been thinking about this a lot lately." (Recall I asked him if he just wanted to live with me or he was serious about a future with me, meaning marriage). He didn't say, "yes, I want to marry you." He said he has been thinking about it. I had to drop it and not push.

 

 

But I DO need to know the answers to these questions (and I'm not sure words are enough) in order to move to New Orleans. I guess I need to find out as soon as possible. I have tried. I just can't force answers or force things unfolding naturally...

[No_Go]

I re-read your last posts and... I think I know the answer:you don't need a knight in shining armor gesture, you need a ring. Tell him that. Tell him that you are not dead set on a child but you want a marital unit. Tell him that you can help (like with a heirloom diamond) if it is just logistical issue. No point to walk around the issue anymore. You know you want him IF he proposes. So just make it easy for him by telling him that. What can you loose? Him - if he's not willing/ready. But would you want him anyway in this case??

 

I think circling around kid talk, downpayments etc is just another way to bring what you really want (marriage). I just can't fanthom how another year of circling around that notion will bring peace to you or him. I think he'll appreciate your honesty and 1) propose 2) bail or 3) give you a time and reason (e.g. no money for diamond right now; waiting for daughter to move out etc). I don't know which of the three but I can tell it will be one of these and this will give you the peace that you need. Don't be scared and tell him what you need without spinning out of the topic.

[venusishername]

I re-read your last posts and... I think I know the answer:you don't need a knight in shining armor gesture, you need a ring. Tell him that. Tell him that you are not dead set on a child but you want a marital unit. Tell him that you can help (like with a heirloom diamond) if it is just logistical issue. No point to walk around the issue anymore. You know you want him IF he proposes. So just make it easy for him by telling him that. What can you loose? Him - if he's not willing/ready. But would you want him anyway in this case??

I think circling around kid talk, downpayments etc is just another way to bring what you really want (marriage). I just can't fanthom how another year of circling around that notion will bring peace to you or him. I think he'll appreciate your honesty and 1) propose 2) bail or 3) give you a time and reason (e.g. no money for diamond right now; waiting for daughter to move out etc). I don't know which of the three but I can tell it will be one of these and this will give you the peace that you need. Don't be scared and tell him what you need without spinning out of the topic.

I am so frustrated lately. Life stuff, new lease, work, new roommate adjustments and compromises, co-workers getting on my nerves, and lastly, being separated from my bf and having zero control over when I am going to see him again. Unfortunately he isn’t able to commit to his schedule yet, work related he says, so he can’t book his ticket just yet. We were looking last week, I’ve been looking frequently to get a good deal, but he just can’t pin down a time yet. He says it will be soon and not to worry. But I have no say or control over it. I can’t see him, I can’t travel anymore because I ran out of time. My worry is that he’s not going to come here, or he’s not coming for a long time. He mentioned Thanksgiving (I was against that idea due to cost and time). If he waits that long it will be 2.5 months between visits. I’m so annoyed, irritated, and fed up. It’s been one year exactly since our first ‘date’ in NOLA and we’ve seen each other so little during that time. Despite the fact that we have talked daily, and in depth, and clearly have a serious relationship… it hurts me that I have no idea when I’m going to see him. I could breathe easy if he just booked his ****ing ticket. Nothing I can do. I told him I’m going to stop looking at flights and the ball is in his court.

I lost several nights of sleep over the weekend due to my anxiety. My relationship is adding to that anxiety, although it is other factors too. I had a really hard time making the decision to renew my lease (which I intend to break after the first of the year). My new roommate moved in and I had to rearrange my living space. I have OCD and anxiety tendencies (as you all can see by my thread), so it really caused me to stress. I had to rearrange my furnishings, accommodate her furniture that I absolutely HATE, and stuff like that. It made me realize I can’t live with a roommate anymore. I need to be the queen of the castle. I’m a woman now. And I could have all that if I just lived with my boyfriend, AHEM, I mean husband. The bad news is I can’t afford to live where I do without sharing the cost. So, I realize I need to get out of there as soon as I can.

This kept me up all night the other day. I also realize that I need to move in with him for about a month (or weeks) IN ORDER to find a job. I have to move there to get a job. I have to get a job before someone will rent to me for my own place. I still hold firm that I will not be a live-in girlfriend with no real commitment to marriage (ring and wedding date), BUT I will concede to living with him until I find a job. I could also find a cheap Airbnb until I do. The money is a big factor. There is no use applying for jobs and going to see places to rent until I get there. No one will hire me or rent to me unless I live there and have income. So, I need to get there and get settled. I thought of all the costs and details over the past weekend, and I’m drowning in details. It’s just a lot.

 

Not sure what exactly my bf is willing and able to contribute financially to my move, although as it comes up I am sure he would do whatever he could.

He has been mentioning recently more and more about future plans and purchases together, for example my upcoming ‘new’ car (I’m taking steps to sell my car by the end of the year and buying a more reliable used car… the thought is to drive it out to NOLA). He said he would like to help me out so that I could have the car. Not sure HOW he means, but if I lived with him for no cost (other than the food I’d be cooking), I could pay off the loan and/or save money. He also mentioned in the future how he would like to work together and save up for and buy property, he knows I want that too and I brought it up before. His family member has some property and we could buy. I was happy to hear he is thinking long term and planning as a team. That shows he is seriously considering me in his future. That is a progression from a couple months ago.

 

He even mentioned if we got married, a pre-nup (he did this with his ex wife so I guess he thinks it is a good idea). I’m ok with that. First time anyone’s ever talked so seriously about the future and marriage with me. He told me the other day how he would love to come home and have me there, to come home to a nice meal, and then on the weekends we would spend time with family, etc. I didn’t know this about him. From the exterior, he seems out and about, busy, social, etc. But he does this because he’s restless and lonely. He wants to settle down. (Those were his words). I said I’m so glad to hear you say that because I wondered, and I feel the same way.

So- now I am taking the steps. New car pending. Get through holidays, TRY and save some money :/

The details will have to unfold once I get there. I know I will feel such a relief once his ticket out here is booked for next month. I was hoping for early November, but now I am not sure yet. He’s working on it.

 

I realize how hard it is for me to give up control.

 

As far as your suggestion, I would feel comfortable asking him this question and sticking to my guns about my own personal timeframe:

"how long do you expect me to live there with no commitment from you?"

My timeframe is next October. That will be the two year mark. If we are not engaged with a close wedding date by that time, I'm moving back to CA.

[No_Go]

No one will hire me or rent to me unless I live there and have income. - that's absolutely not true, I've done it again and again, different states, countries etc. Trust me it is just your anxiety. If you pay - they rent to you. If yu work- they hire you. It is soooo simple Plus you can move in with him but I'm willing to bet money that you'll stay there if you do it, so you'd get the dreaded live-in gf status (hey, much better than ltr gf).

 

I would feel comfortable asking him this question and sticking to my guns about my own personal timeframe:

"how long do you expect me to live there with no commitment from you?" - I think this will relieve your anxiety big time, and also his. Just don't say 'no commitment' but 'no engagement' because he may get offended (presuming he feels committed already). Give him your maximal timef limit (2 year mark) and leave the ball in his court.

[lana-banana]

I also realize that I need to move in with him for about a month (or weeks) IN ORDER to find a job. I have to move there to get a job. I have to get a job before someone will rent to me for my own place...No one will hire me or rent to me unless I live there and have income.

 

Echoing No_Go, this really isn't true at all. If it's only a matter of a month, two tops, or even just a few weeks, no one is going to care about income verification. Craigslist is full of listings for situations like yours and you could easily check into an extended stay hotel for business travelers. I'm a big fan of the Homewood Suites by Hilton.

 

Just a reminder that as frustrated as you may be, you do have options, and you don't have to compromise on this.

Edited October 12, 2016 by lana-banana

[No_Go]

Yes - Craigslist sublets is super fast track to get a room and no one ever asks for credit/income verification, at best for Skype call. I think a month is actually too much heads up (listings pop with immediate move in date).

 

My own experience with it: got my room in the US from Amsterdam just a week or less before my overseas relocation. It was also dirt cheap for the area .

 

Echoing No_Go, this really isn't true at all. If it's only a matter of a month, two tops, or even just a few weeks, no one is going to care about income verification. Craigslist is full of listings for situations like yours and you could easily check into an extended stay hotel for business travelers. I'm a big fan of the Homewood Suites by Hilton.

 

Just a reminder that as frustrated as you may be, you do have options, and you don't have to compromise on this.

[clia]

Yeah, it's not true at all that companies won't hire you unless you already live there. However, you need to have a date set when you will be living there, so you can establish that in your cover letter, and you will likely need to pay your own travel expenses to go out and interview before the move. It's not uncommon at all for people to apply for jobs in cities they plan to move to.

[venusishername]

Echoing No_Go, this really isn't true at all. If it's only a matter of a month, two tops, or even just a few weeks, no one is going to care about income verification. Craigslist is full of listings for situations like yours and you could easily check into an extended stay hotel for business travelers. I'm a big fan of the Homewood Suites by Hilton.

Just a reminder that as frustrated as you may be, you do have options, and you don't have to compromise on this.

Wow, Homewood Suites would be plush! If someone else was footing the bill, that would be great. My financial situation more like less than $50 a day. This would mean a sublet or room rental… until I got established and steady paycheck. I think it would take a month to find a good job, a decent place, and have things settled in.

No one will hire me or rent to me unless I live there and have income. - that's absolutely not true, I've done it again and again, different states, countries etc. Trust me it is just your anxiety. If you pay - they rent to you. If yu work- they hire you. It is soooo simple Plus you can move in with him but I'm willing to bet money that you'll stay there if you do it, so you'd get the dreaded live-in gf status (hey, much better than ltr gf).

Placing bets! I’m not changing my mind on this. I would stay with him until I find a job, and a safe and comfortable place. The only way I would move in with him and bring all my belongings into his home is if we were actively planning a wedding.

I would feel comfortable asking him this question and sticking to my guns about my own personal timeframe:

"how long do you expect me to live there with no commitment from you?" - I think this will relieve your anxiety big time, and also his. Just don't say 'no commitment' but 'no engagement' because he may get offended (presuming he feels committed already). Give him your maximal timef limit (2 year mark) and leave the ball in his court.

Yup, actually everything is in his court now. I still don’t know when I’m going to see him. I told him this morning that I am making plans with family for Thanksgiving, so I hope to see him before then. His response was brief, and said he will for sure see me soon. Ok. Letting go. It sucks. I have no clue when I’m going to see him again. I hesitate to make any moves myself until he does. I just want to be sure he is serious about this. I guess I have struggled with that all along (past relationship baggage I guess).

Once he is here we can talk more about details like this. And I am very firm about the 2 year mark to **** or get off the pot. After spending 4 years with 2 long term relationships, I am never doing that again.

And to be honest, lately I’ve been feeling jaded, frustrated, and impatient… I feel he needs to step up to the plate. If nothing progresses soon, (also if he doesn’t come here within a month’s time), to be honest, I would begin to consider my options. I’m just at a point where this needs to move forward or I need to reconsider. I realize I have power here to make a move and we are discussing and planning the beginning stages of that. But I still need action on his part. A ring? I feel we went through many pages of discussion about posters here telling me it was “skewed” that I would want to be engaged to him before determining if we were compatible. I don’t think he’s going to propose before I move there and we spend time in same city. If we find out we’re not compatible and the relationship does not progress to marriage (at least planned) by next October, I’m breaking it off. I already know that. I’m not spending years in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere ever again. This is why I feel it is better to live in my own place, in the event it doesn’t work out, I maintain my independence and can leave when I like.

For the time being, I’m feeling on shaky ground as it is since I don’t know when I will see him. He’s not saying much to make me feel there are any concrete plans either. Something changed with work schedule.

[NuevoYorko]

I'm trying to catch up here. Do you, or don't you actually have a concrete plan to move to NOLA in January?

[No_Go]

Placing bets! I’m not changing my mind on this. I would stay with him until I find a job, and a safe and comfortable place. The only way I would move in with him and bring all my belongings into his home is if we were actively planning a wedding. Ok, bets placed:) It is 10x harder once you're in. This is just friendly warning from someone who was tricked into 2 live-in situations with the idea to be 'temporary'.

 

A ring? I feel we went through many pages of discussion about posters here telling me it was “skewed” that I would want to be engaged to him before determining if we were compatible. I don’t think he’s going to propose before I move there and we spend time in same city. Yes, true, but that's what YOU really want and need. Posters here and friends and family etc can only tell you what they think is right. If you need a ring,, you need a ring.

 

If we find out we’re not compatible and the relationship does not progress to marriage (at least planned) by next October, I’m breaking it off. Solid and realistic plan, 2 years should be just right to decide:)

 

For the time being, I’m feeling on shaky ground as it is since I don’t know when I will see him. Understandable, but I think you're not doing yourself a favor by telling him you're making other plans. If I were him, I'd take it as if the relationship is not your priority and would back off at minimum...

[GemmaUK]

Something I'm really stuck on is you keep saying you want to see 'action' from him and him stepping up.

 

What exactly is it you want him to take action on?

You're the one who seems to be more serious about moving there and getting a job there which sort of seems to be the un-agreed plan for an un-agreed date but I don't know what action it is you want him to take to prove he is serious at this stage?

[lana-banana]

Something I'm really stuck on is you keep saying you want to see 'action' from him and him stepping up.

 

What exactly is it you want him to take action on?

You're the one who seems to be more serious about moving there and getting a job there which sort of seems to be the un-agreed plan for an un-agreed date but I don't know what action it is you want him to take to prove he is serious at this stage?

 

I think I know the answer to this but don't want to be rude and talk about Venus in the third person, so...

 

Venus: just admit you want a ring. Whether it's rational or a good idea is another matter altogether. But you want a ring really badly. My theory is that you're willing to move in with him as a means of pushing the issue, i.e. you're hoping he will propose by the time you're allegedly going to move out, so you don't have to. You are so determined that he take some grand action or gesture (the why of this is what confuses me; why do you need it?) that you're essentially trying to force him to make one. You're banking that he'll be so insistent to have and keep you in his home that he'll propose.

 

I'm not passing judgment here or saying that's right or wrong, that's just how it reads to me. Because if you really prioritized getting your own place down there for a few weeks, you'd be saving up for it now. Even if you don't have much to spare on rent you can afford to do it, especially during the dead of winter and for a short-term arrangement. So I guess my question is are you okay knowing a proposal is likely not coming during this next visit and maybe not for a while after?

[introverted1]

My financial situation more like less than $50 a day.

 

Metairie Extended Stay Hotels | Extended Stay America

 

$50.56/night based on a one-month stay from January 9 - February 10.

[NuevoYorko]

I know it seems so simple objectively. Of course I'm in love with him, it's just such a big move, and a big risk too. It's also not that I don't trust HIM, I had some bad relationships in my past, both living with the guys, and it's taken me a long time to feel really comfortable and confident with having my own place, life, etc. I know I have some trust issues, but it has nothing to do with HIM in particular. I always lived with boyfriends before and it never worked out.

 

Is it going to qualify as "working out" if you leave your job, your home, move down there to total uncertainty and stay in a Marriott - and end up not getting married to this guy? How would that be better than moving in with him and ending up not getting married?

[venusishername]

Is it going to qualify as "working out" if you leave your job, your home, move down there to total uncertainty and stay in a Marriott - and end up not getting married to this guy? How would that be better than moving in with him and ending up not getting married?

 

Well, that is a fair question. I just think living together in total uncertainty would not feel as 'secure' as if I had my own place. It gives me a buffer, so to speak. Going there, to a new city, I could have the independence I have now and need, I could be on my own terms being there. You know? I wouldn't be giving up everything here and living with him and depending on him so much. I think it's just my personality? I'm a very independent person. We could at least date in the same city and spend day to day together, something which we haven't ever done.

The last time I left CA for a boyfriend, I lived with him in his living situation and it wasn't comfortable for me. So as soon as I got a job and could afford my own rent, I rented a furnished room. He was nearby, and we saw each other every day, but I had my own 'space'. He didn't like the idea, but it just made me feel more secure and independent. It made me feel comfortable to have my own say in the way I lived.

I realize that most people would just say 'suck it up and live with him'. But I am just very against the idea of being a live-in girlfriend. I would have no say in how the house was set up, I would be very dependent on him as far as emotional, social support. I just kind of would rather go there and get my bearings independently, so in the worst case scenario, (as we all know it's hard to leave a live-in situation), I could be ready to leave. This has happened to me before. Living together is a big commitment.... and it doesn't necessarily lead to marriage either. Not in my experience. For him though, it does. Just because that happened with his ex wife.

 

 

Thanks for looking that place up in Metairie, Introverted. That is right outside the city and close to him, about 15 minutes. But tell me why we are looking into extended stay hotels? Why wouldn't I go there, stay with him until I got a job, got income, and could take the time (on my own) to find the right place? It wouldn't take that long. Plus, the idea is that I won't be working when I go there right away. So I'll have a paycheck plus some savings to stash, and put towards a new place. I would rather not spend $1500 on top of all the other expenses to move, if I could stay with him and at least wait until I have income again. It wouldn't take me long I'm sure. If I had to, I'd take a little job just to have income. I'm not going there with a whole lot of money. It would save me significantly to just 'land' at his place and then earn money and look around for my own space. I'm not staying on there long.

Also- in the event that I don't do that, I could also just rent an Airbnb room, which over there I've seen for less than $40 a day, and lowered rates for monthly. The first month I'm there with no paycheck coming in, I would rather pay nothing or far less than $1500. He's offering me to stay there, obviously.

 

 

And the more time that goes by, I realize how silly this is, to be apart. We have had some tension lately because we are both frustrated that we can't see each other and be together. We have a video chat 'date' in about 20 minutes, so I can't write long. I love my place here, and I feel secure, with a stable job with good benefits, friends and family of course, I love my house and home, I'm very particular in the way I have my place set up and I'm comfortable here. But then at the end of the day, I'm alone. I made this great soup tonight for dinner and ate it by myself. Meanwhile, he's across the country sending me pictures of him on a run and he tells me he's stopping to get some soup at Whole Foods, then that he's looking forward to getting home and relaxing and reading. If we were together, we'd be sharing all those things together. So, I realize lately that although I love my life here, and my place, it kind of amounts to very little in the big picture, since I want to share my life with him, and vice versa.

 

 

I got a message today from his son, on FB (we are FB friends). He has never privately contacted me before, so it took me by surprise. He asked me for my phone number, and I asked what's up and he said that he was just getting numbers for people who are important to him. (Aw). He said he was hoping to come back out to CA with some friends over his Christmas break. I told him I'm looking forward to seeing him soon. He's a great kid. That made me feel good that he thought I was important. I feel like my bf's family has invited me in to their family. That is great.

 

 

I get frustrated that he doesn't have a plane ticket yet but he promised he'd be here before Thanksgiving. I had an invite from family to go up to Northern CA for Thanksgiving, so I told him I told my cousin that I think I'll be available. I didn't mean to put my bf as a lesser priority... he's just not making the plans yet so I'm going to tell my cousin I may be able to come. Of course I would prioritize my bf if he couldn't get out here until then. I was just kind of hoping that would put a fire under him to get here ASAP. I told him I feel very frustrated that there's nothing I can do at this moment to see him. If I could I would have taken his offer of a plane ticket and gone back out there the first week of November, as I wanted to. But- I have other obligations now.

 

 

And Lana, yes, I would like a ring. Moving there is a big commitment. Moving in together is a big commitment (to me). I want to know that he is also offering a commitment. Do you see what I mean? I have to make a lot of moves, spend (a lot of) money to physically move, fly, drive, rent storage, pack, etc., leave a good job, my friends, family and comfortable home that I've worked hard for and means a lot to me... where he just has to stay put and change nothing. Offering me to move in, yes, that is an 'action' that he is willing and ready to offer. But I need to know, if he wants all this because he is serious about a LONG TERM future with me, and wants to get married (to me), and intends to do this so that we have that goal in mind. How do I know that, other than the words he's said and the action he takes to maintain this relationship and progress it? I have no guarantee. For all I know, I move out there and he's not sure that he wants that? The only reason that I would be moving out there at this point is BECAUSE I can see marrying him and starting our lives together. I just need to know he feels the same.

 

 

The question I asked him a couple weeks ago, (asking that in particular), because I want to be sure he's not just thinking short term... hasn't been answered. He told me he's been thinking about it a lot lately. That's not a firm answer. That's not "Yes, I want to marry you", or "I think we should be planning that soon", etc. If I moved there, that's my part of offering commitment. What's his offer? Half of his bed and to cook in his kitchen?

I need more than that.

To answer your question if I would be ok with no proposal this visit or anytime soon.... I mean, that's the dilemma. I don't think that he'll propose before I get there. I would have to go there first, and live it, and then things would happen as they will. I wish it was different, I really do.

And no, I'm not moving there and getting my own place so he will propose so I'll stay at his place. I hadn't thought of that, actually. But hey, he might do it then. But that wasn't my intention.

 

 

I was just thinking about what I would have to tell my bosses (who love me): "yeah, I'm moving to New Orleans." "Oh, are you engaged?" "No, I don't know if we're going to get married. I just decided to move away from my hometown, good job here and my friends and family to see if it will work out with my long distance boyfriend." Ha, they would think I was pretty ballsy, maybe not very smart. I don't know what they would think. They would be sad to lose me, I know that.

 

 

My bf said recently, 'don't worry, next year by this time, you'll be here with me and all settled in.' ! He's trying to ease my anxiety the best he can. He is so sweet. I do love that man.

[NuevoYorko]

Well, that is a fair question. I just think living together in total uncertainty would not feel as 'secure' as if I had my own place. It gives me a buffer, so to speak. Going there, to a new city, I could have the independence I have now and need, I could be on my own terms being there. You know? I wouldn't be giving up everything here and living with him and depending on him so much.

 

I can understand that. But, don't forget that you have said often that this decision has things to do with it "not working out" when you lived with men in the past. This still might not work out the way you want it to, and you'll need to be able to accept that possibility.

 

I want to know that he is also offering a commitment. Do you see what I mean? I have to make a lot of moves, spend (a lot of) money to physically move, fly, drive, rent storage, pack, etc., leave a good job, my friends, family and comfortable home that I've worked hard for and means a lot to me... where he just has to stay put and change nothing. Offering me to move in, yes, that is an 'action' that he is willing and ready to offer. But I need to know, if he wants all this because he is serious about a LONG TERM future with me, and wants to get married (to me), and intends to do this so that we have that goal in mind. How do I know that, other than the words he's said and the action he takes to maintain this relationship and progress it?

 

If he's anything like me, he needs to know how you'll deal with daily life together before seriously considering marriage. So that kind of commitment would not be able to happen when things were long distance, for me. I think that is a built in risk of an LDR that both people will need to be OK with.

 

You will be taking a huge risk by moving down there. Please be 100% sure you WANT to take this adventurous step without being so attached to the outcomes you are dreaming of.