When it rains it pours

[venusishername]

Hi Venus,

My advice is to give yourself a break from the analysis and wait until you are face to face with him later this month. It's causing you lots of stress and could harm your relationship. Keep things light and fun over phone and build on the positives of your relationship.

When you see him lay your cards on the table about what you want. Be crystal clear on non negotiables. If he sees this as pressure and waffles, so be it. This is your life and you're writing the script. Does he want to be part of your life? If yes he will do whatever it takes. That is what you want from your man, to do whatever it takes to win you over.

Others may disagree but if I were on your timetable for marriage and kids I would want a proposal before moving under the circumstances. He would need to express that he wants to be married to you and start a family. Something stronger than "I'm open it it."

 

Thank you for understanding where I’m coming from, thank you. I feel like my opinion on this has been met with a lot of ‘you need to find out if you’re compatible before wanting to get married’ (completely reasonable request) but even BEFORE finding that out I still need to know if marriage and family is on the table if all goes right. If I were 10 years younger, I would’ve moved to Hawaii with my boyfriend and not cared about marriage or children. Been there done that. I’m not doing it again. I need to know for sure, or as sure as possible, that the intent to marry in the very near future is the plan. If things don’t work out, fine. But I would be stupid at this point to move without knowing that.

Thank you for the shot in the arm.

[imaginarium]

This is the last thing I'll say on it, because I agree you probably don't need any more input on your actual relationship at all, as the more you think the more indecisive you seem to get about it.

 

Are you willing to move to be with him because you love him, he loves you, and you want to see if it's forever kind of love? Becaue that's what this is all about. No promise of marriage or kids is going to hold up if you get there and aren't compatible. However, a lot of your concerns may be put to rest once you get there and know what it's like to really be with him. At the end of the day, do you want to give it a try? If the answer is yes, you need to set a date and start putting the plan in motion and stop going back and forth. Things will not get easier the more you put it off, they only get harder. If you want him, go. It's been over a year. It's not some 3 day fling you're relocating for anymore. But the longer you wait the more I feel like you're ruining your chances at this ending happily.

 

And if you think about giving yourself a firm date and putting your move into action and you can't find yourself happy or excited and you're just anxious and resentful, let him go. I dated a guy long distance for 2 years once. We probably could have gotten married and lived a good life together. But neither of us could pull the trigger to uproot our lives for the other, like you the frequency of visits eventually dropped, and we fizzled until it wasn't sustainable anymore. And you know what? He wasn't the person I was supposed to be with and I'm much happier now than I would have been with my settled life for sure, and the person I'm with now, we moved mountains to be together. I know you have a lot riding on it, but deep down inside you know what you want.

 

Once you make that decision, it's really in your best interest to take solid action one way or the other. ASAP.

 

Good luck.

[venusishername]

This is the last thing I'll say on it, because I agree you probably don't need any more input on your actual relationship at all, as the more you think the more indecisive you seem to get about it.

Are you willing to move to be with him because you love him, he loves you, and you want to see if it's forever kind of love? Becaue that's what this is all about. No promise of marriage or kids is going to hold up if you get there and aren't compatible. However, a lot of your concerns may be put to rest once you get there and know what it's like to really be with him. At the end of the day, do you want to give it a try? If the answer is yes, you need to set a date and start putting the plan in motion and stop going back and forth. Things will not get easier the more you put it off, they only get harder. If you want him, go. It's been over a year. It's not some 3 day fling you're relocating for anymore. But the longer you wait the more I feel like you're ruining your chances at this ending happily.

And if you think about giving yourself a firm date and putting your move into action and you can't find yourself happy or excited and you're just anxious and resentful, let him go. I dated a guy long distance for 2 years once. We probably could have gotten married and lived a good life together. But neither of us could pull the trigger to uproot our lives for the other, like you the frequency of visits eventually dropped, and we fizzled until it wasn't sustainable anymore. And you know what? He wasn't the person I was supposed to be with and I'm much happier now than I would have been with my settled life for sure, and the person I'm with now, we moved mountains to be together. I know you have a lot riding on it, but deep down inside you know what you want.

Once you make that decision, it's really in your best interest to take solid action one way or the other. ASAP.

Good luck.

Thank you, yes I do want to go to see if it’s right and forever, I know that no promise or intention of marriage will make it that way if it’s not meant to be. I do plan to move there, because I don’t want to have this long distance anymore and stop wasting time in limbo.

To be totally honest, the fact that it’s been two months (the max amount of time between our visits) and he still hasn’t booked a ticket, and still keeps pushing the schedule out, it makes me very uncomfortable. At first it was Veterans Day. That’s not going to happen now. I’m really disappointed but he is working a new position and this is a good job for him that is consistent. Now it’s Thanksgiving. I looked at prices and they’re selling out and rising fast. Apparently he says he will have the whole week off, but it sounds like that isn’t 100% for sure otherwise he would’ve already booked his ticket, right? He has the money. I am so uneasy. I don’t like that he hasn’t put the plan into motion. I guess he doesn’t find it important to book in advance.

I’m so upset. I wanted to talk to him about it but I worry that it will push him away and get him upset that I keep asking. I don’t feel like the time between visits is decreasing. This time yes, it will be longer than the longest time we’ve been apart, it’s not slowly decreasing. It’s been consistently approximately every 2 months since we met.

I’m totally anxious and feel I can’t move forward with any plans because I have no idea when he’ll be here yet.

I feel like venting to him and being demanding but I know it’s probably best to stay quiet.

[Kamille]

I’m so upset. I wanted to talk to him about it but I worry that it will push him away and get him upset that I keep asking. I don’t feel like the time between visits is decreasing. This time yes, it will be longer than the longest time we’ve been apart, it’s not slowly decreasing. It’s been consistently approximately every 2 months since we met.

I’m totally anxious and feel I can’t move forward with any plans because I have no idea when he’ll be here yet.

I feel like venting to him and being demanding but I know it’s probably best to stay quiet.

 

Why? What's wrong with asking for what you need?

[venusishername]

Because I know it is based on his new work schedule and he gets frustrated that I ask all the time when it depends on his work.

 

Personally I don't know why he can't book a ticket and at least get a credit if he has to change it. Many people don't plan ahead or as organized as I am. He's a last minute kind of person so this doesn't surprise me. It's not what I would do.

I'm just worried the prices will go up so much or sell out or he can't come.

It is so imperative that we see eachother. I can't do anything about it. I can't go- I have to wait for him. I hate waiting on other people for anything. There's nothing I can do. He already knows how much I want to see him and he feels the same. In this care his work is taking precedence which I have to understand.

 

I hope Thanksgiving will happen.

[clia]

Why can't you go there for Thanksgiving? Don't you get Thursday and Friday off work? Have him pay for your flight, and problem solved.

Edited November 8, 2016 by clia

[Imajerk17]

Yeah, this is how I keep ‘spinning’, maybe too many cooks in the kitchen, right?!

 

It's not the forum's fault you are "spinning", venus, nor is it the job of the forum to keep you from "spinning". Indeed, you are a full-grown adult responsible for your own emotional state, and posting on LS means you will get several differing opinions. You knew that coming in.

 

Your posts on this read the same as they have for several months though. And I agree with the others--why can't you go THERE for Thanksgiving.

Edited November 9, 2016 by Imajerk17

[venusishername]

It's not the forum's fault you are "spinning", venus, nor is it the job of the forum to keep you from "spinning". Indeed, you are a full-grown adult responsible for your own emotional state, and posting on LS means you will get several differing opinions. You knew that coming in.

You are right. I’m going to stop. No need to keep writing, sometimes the reason I do is to get my anxiety out. Writing helps get the thoughts out of my head. But instead I’m going to get back into my running, start waking up earlier and going to bed earlier, got a trial membership at another yoga studio, and staying busy with car shopping.

Why can't you go there for Thanksgiving? Don't you get Thursday and Friday off work? Have him pay for your flight, and problem solved.

Yes I do have Thanksgiving off. It costs over $500 for me to go there for three days and the cost is rising. For some reason it costs more to leave CA than to come to it, I’ve noticed.

It will cost him less than $300 to come here for 6 days, and he says he would prefer to come here. I asked him if maybe he thought I could come there but I have such a short time. Hopefully this gets decided asap but he promised he would be here.

We got in an argument yesterday about this. He told me to please let him handle it and he will be here. So I’m going to shut up and not mention it again and trust his word and stay busy in the meantime.

[GemmaUK]

If I wanted all that you do I would have already written this guy off to be really honest.

 

I think he is stalling on the trip because you are on everything.

 

You need to be real - you have no clue if you might be compatible and marriage worthy unless you live together.

You are long distance - which creates the uncertainty.

You each gave a fantasy of what you each wish - it's not real - you both need to try real.

If this for you means you need a ring then quit it RIGHT NOW. Because you will never move on and it will go down the pan - which is how it seems to be going.

[havehope4291]

it so good to think that you are finding your standards and not letting what others think ruin your happiness.

 

its not easy not letting others dominate with their opinions, especially if they are close friends, family or partners who pulling you here and there. so well done for that.

 

im not sure i caught your previous threads becasue i am quite new here, but you have got out of your rut and thats not always easy to do.

 

from a very quick read through some of the other posts, it sounds like you have and to some extent have had a lot going on that wasnt always so straightforward. but you are moving forward now, so very best of luck with your new hope.

 

its got to be a lot better than staying in a place that was not doing you any good. it'll all sort itself out one way or the other in the end. so enjoy this new adventure. who knows where it will take you.

[venusishername]

If I wanted all that you do I would have already written this guy off to be really honest.

I think he is stalling on the trip because you are on everything.

You need to be real - you have no clue if you might be compatible and marriage worthy unless you live together.

You are long distance - which creates the uncertainty.

You each gave a fantasy of what you each wish - it's not real - you both need to try real.

If this for you means you need a ring then quit it RIGHT NOW. Because you will never move on and it will go down the pan - which is how it seems to be going.

 

I was worried you might have been right about him stalling, but he was not. It really did depend on his work schedule. This is a new job for him and he didn't want to screw it up by booking a vacation before knowing his schedule. There was no hidden agenda or stalling.

 

He called me on Thursday last week to tell me he had the long weekend off and was off work until Tuesday (tomorrow). So he booked his ticket last minute on Thursday evening and he flew in Friday night. I dropped him off at the rental car place this morning before I had to go to work.

 

He didn’t want to risk not having time off Thanksgiving and paying an arm and a leg that week. So he had the opportunity to be here for a low price and he made it happen. We had been arguing and tense all last week about when we would be seeing each other. I’m so glad he came.

I need a day or so to regroup. I have some news, I bet many of you are going to go through the roof. Looks like my idea to move to Louisiana needs to be put on hold. He said he thinks it would be a better idea for him to come here. I have mixed feelings about things right now.

 

Things were good between us, although this change of plans has really thrown me off. I was willing to go there. But he feels it would be best in the long term for me to stay put and he would like to find work out here, at least we can date in the same city. This is great, because I really didn’t want to move there, and I always preferred that he come here anyway. But, there is no guarantee when, not for certain, maybe in 4 months when his current contract is over…this means long distance continues indefinitely. And I’m not sure how I feel about that. It’s been almost a year. I thought we made progress by me planning to move there. Then this happens. I’m happy, in a way, but now I feel like I’m playing the waiting game. Not sure if that works for me, or how I feel. Who knows how long I could be waiting?!

 

I did talk to him about the kid issue. He is willing to have another child. He knows how I feel about it and that I would like to have at least one child in the next year or so, etc. He is not against it, he’s open to it, he’s not actively trying but we were both as clear as we possibly could be about it.

Also, over this weekend he asked my ring size, so that would indicate to me (in addition to our previous conversations) that he is considering proposing in the future. I still don't think it would be necessary to live together or live in the same city in order to know if you would be willing to take the leap to marry someone.

[No_Go]

Cool that he visited you! However, how did he explained the withdrawal of his offer to live with him in LA??

 

In 4 months you'd be hitting 1.5 year mark... I think you should at least confirm there are definite plans by then, it is indeed dragging way too long.

[Kamille]

How exciting!

 

But before you overanalyze: he wants to move there, is shopping for a ring and you two will be trying for a baby within the year? A) Congrats B) In one sentence: how do you feel?

[GemmaUK]

Oh for goodness sake!

 

You never wanted to move there? You said you loved the place!

Now him suggesting move to you has thrown you off yet you kept on saying you wanted action from him - now you are all over the place about it?

 

OK.

I'm out.

 

Good luck!

[lana-banana]

He wants to propose but not offer any concrete plans about actually living together? I don't know. I'd really like to be happy for you but this kind of impulsive behavior is worrisome. What made him suddenly change his mind? Is something going on down there? And you still don't know about his finances!

 

Just...be careful, Venus.

[introverted1]

I still don't think it would be necessary to live together or live in the same city in order to know if you would be willing to take the leap to marry someone.

 

Whoa! Am I reading this right: you are willing to be engaged without first spending time together in a more realistic day-to-day dating situation, determining compatibility, etc?

[venusishername]

Cool that he visited you! However, how did he explained the withdrawal of his offer to live with him in LA??

In 4 months you'd be hitting 1.5 year mark... I think you should at least confirm there are definite plans by then, it is indeed dragging way too long.

There is no withdrawal of his offer to live with him or move to LA. He says I can still do that if I’d like but his goal is to move or at least find work in CA, so me moving there to just move back wouldn’t really make sense. I still told him I’m still open to going (as we have been talking about) if need be.

Oh for goodness sake!

You never wanted to move there? You said you loved the place!

Now him suggesting move to you has thrown you off yet you kept on saying you wanted action from him - now you are all over the place about it?

OK.

I'm out.

Good luck!

I DO love it there. But I love CA more. I thought it was pretty clear that I would only be moving because I wanted to give the relationship a fair shot to get off the ground. I always wanted him to be the one to move to me. I was willing to make the sacrifice to move there, deep down I wanted to stay put. Hence my hesitation to move.

I’m not all over the place. I feel fine. I’m happy, but I mean, words are words… no concrete plans have been made yet.

He wants to propose but not offer any concrete plans about actually living together? I don't know. I'd really like to be happy for you but this kind of impulsive behavior is worrisome. What made him suddenly change his mind? Is something going on down there? And you still don't know about his finances!

Just...be careful, Venus.

Hold on. He asked me for my ring size. Among all the other conversations we’ve had and his value of marriage, all I’m saying is that he is thinking about a future with me, and asking for a ring size is usually a very good indication that someone is thinking about proposing. He’s not actually getting on one knee and doing it. And he still offers me to live with him, if I wanted to. I’m pretty certain that if he was ready to propose, a living arrangement would follow and work itself out. We talked about getting a place here. Or we could live in Louisiana.

I know, Lana. It does seem all over the place, but I don’t think anything in particular happened, maybe after careful consideration, he saw that I was willing to make a move to him but seeing that he likes it in CA a lot, now has been here four, five? Times within the year, has extended family here, and has heard the job market is better (and let’s face it, the South isn’t exactly known for being as progressive and forward thinking as CA)… I kind of think that the results of this presidential election had a bit of an influence. He’s always talked about CA… it just wasn’t immediate.

[clia]

I'm surprised you aren't thrilled about this news. Now he will be the one making the sacrifices, which is what you wanted, isn't it? You don't have to give up anything.

 

And waiting an extra couple of months is no big deal, assuming he plans to move after his contract is up. You weren't planning to move until January anyway, so four months off just takes you to March.

[venusishername]

Whoa! Am I reading this right: you are willing to be engaged without first spending time together in a more realistic day-to-day dating situation, determining compatibility, etc?

Well, although it defies logic and reason, yes, I would be willing to be engaged before living together day to day. Engagements can be broken, right? At this point, we know some basic compatibility and incompatibilities. You can never really know for 100% right?? So yes, I would be willing to take a risk (by the way, he hasn't proposed), by accepting his proposal even if we had not dated in the same city.

 

I'm surprised you aren't thrilled about this news. Now he will be the one making the sacrifices, which is what you wanted, isn't it? You don't have to give up anything.

 

And waiting an extra couple of months is no big deal, assuming he plans to move after his contract is up. You weren't planning to move until January anyway, so four months off just takes you to March.

Sure, I am happy. But there is no concrete action and he said this same thing last November too, well at least the idea is the same. So I hate to be cynical or mistrusting but I'll believe it when I see it. If he's willing to put his money where his mouth is, that is wonderful. Until then, it's just talk.

 

Right, that is true only a few more months. I guess me going there would be me taking matters into my own hands and creating my own timeline. Now I don't feel the pressure to move if he wants to be here. That won't happen on my timeline, but his.

[introverted1]

Well, although it defies logic and reason, yes, I would be willing to be engaged before living together day to day. Engagements can be broken, right? At this point, we know some basic compatibility and incompatibilities. You can never really know for 100% right?? So yes, I would be willing to take a risk (by the way, he hasn't proposed), by accepting his proposal even if we had not dated in the same city.

 

Given that he is now willing to come to CA and you have the option of having a normal dating life with him, why on earth would you even entertain the notion of an engagement when there are still so many things you don't know about eachc other, so many open questions?

 

Sometimes, Venus, I get the feeling that you want to be married more than you want to be with this particular man.

[sagamore]

I think I have whiplash.

 

There's a lot to comment on here. But for now, I have to ask..."he's not actively trying" to have a child? What does that mean?? Please, please tell me you are using birth control right now. If you won't live together without a ring then you BEST be trying to prevent pregnancy when you're not even committed to the same city. Girl...

[lana-banana]

Is he planning to move in with you or will you rent your own place together? How would this work?

 

You went from serious car shopping and apartment hunting to him moving out there at some undefined point in the future, entirely out of your control and dependent upon his schedule, without any explanation as to why he changed his mind, and before you can ask why he's left and dropped hints about a ring.

 

Is it just me or is something not right here? I don't mean he's up to anything malicious, but this seems extremely off to me.

Edited November 15, 2016 by lana-banana

[Sometymeswhy]

Venus,

It appears that you are getting what you want...provided it is sincere. Stick to a firm timeline. What is he doing as far as looking for work in California? Does he have ideas? Hopefully it's not just talk.

I would stick to your guns about not living together. It's a way for some men to stall on further commitment and I fear you would resent supporting him.

Sorry but asking for your ring size is a little manipulative in my book. It's a passive way of placating you. I would come right out and ask why. Are you getting me a friendship ring, taking a survey? What's with the question?

[venusishername]

Given that he is now willing to come to CA and you have the option of having a normal dating life with him, why on earth would you even entertain the notion of an engagement when there are still so many things you don't know about eachc other, so many open questions?

 

Sometimes, Venus, I get the feeling that you want to be married more than you want to be with this particular man.

I'm sorry, I was just answering your question. I didn't mean I would be against living in the same city and having a normal dating life. On the other hand, I still don't think it is an absolute requirement that people who have been dating for a year, talking every day and are in love and have a deep connection should live together or even date in the same city to want to get engaged. I mean, what about people in the old days like my grandparents or parents for that matter, they met, dated for a short time, heck I've heard of penpals who got engaged. There's no rules in love, right? Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic. Of course it is practical and wise to get all the questions you could possibly want to know answered, but there will always be things that you don't know, or find out later. I've talked to many married couples who have said they still learn new things about their partner every day. I just don't think it's possible to be totally and 100% sure beyond all doubts about someone. You just choose based on what you do know and make an educated decision and be willing to take a risk if that is what you feel. Right? He and I even talked about that. Of COURSE there are things that we have questions about and don't know yet. It would be impossible to learn everything. Sometimes you just have to go for it, if it feels right and worth taking the leap.

I agree with you that it is a good idea in theory to live together in the same city before deciding to get married. Sure. I wasn't saying otherwise. I just think it's possible without that too.

 

I think I have whiplash.

 

There's a lot to comment on here. But for now, I have to ask..."he's not actively trying" to have a child? What does that mean?? Please, please tell me you are using birth control right now. If you won't live together without a ring then you BEST be trying to prevent pregnancy when you're not even committed to the same city. Girl...

I also feel whiplash. This is not the first time this has been mentioned, by the way... so it doesn't completely shock me although yes, this changes my immediate plans for after the holidays. I know, it's a shift. But not totally out of the blue.

 

I really don't want to have the birth control discussion again because I feel we have been over this many times here. What I mean by "not actively trying" is like some of my friends who tell people "We're trying to get pregnant"... meaning both people are actively trying to conceive and doing everything in their power to make that happen. I was just speaking in context. He's not saying "yes, I want to have a child right now so let's try and get pregnant". I was comparing his attitude about being open to it and knowing that I would like a child in the next year or so... with other men that I have known who are actively trying to impregnate their wife. Sorry for the confusion.

Is he planning to move in with you or will you rent your own place together? How would this work?

 

You went from serious car shopping and apartment hunting to him moving out there at some undefined point in the future, entirely out of your control and dependent upon his schedule, without any explanation as to why he changed his mind, and before you can ask why he's left and dropped hints about a ring.

 

Is it just me or is something not right here? I don't mean he's up to anything malicious, but this seems extremely off to me.

I'm still actively car shopping. That is separate from this and I'm still moving forward regardless.

I'm trying to understand why you would say this as though all of these things came out of nowhere. All of these things we have talked about before. I mean, the ring discussion and talk about wedding, living together, future plans... is nothing new. He came right out and asked me my ring size the other day, that is the only thing that is 'new'.

 

 

I'm also trying to understand why you would feel that there is something "off". What is off to you? I really do believe he is sincere.

 

 

And by the way, no, he would not be living with me if he came here. I can't offer him a space to stay because I share my place and my roommate would not appreciate my boyfriend crashing here. He would get his own room or rent a place or stay with family.

Venus,

It appears that you are getting what you want...provided it is sincere. Stick to a firm timeline. What is he doing as far as looking for work in California? Does he have ideas? Hopefully it's not just talk.

I would stick to your guns about not living together. It's a way for some men to stall on further commitment and I fear you would resent supporting him.

Sorry but asking for your ring size is a little manipulative in my book. It's a passive way of placating you. I would come right out and ask why. Are you getting me a friendship ring, taking a survey? What's with the question?

 

Well, I would have to agree with you. He went today to check out job opportunities out here before getting to the airport. He rented a car to drive around while I was at work so he could do that. He's also been talking to his family members about his plans so that if possible they could help make a transition if need be (I'm talking about if he needed a place to 'land' when he gets here). From what I have seen him do (including today) is physically go to inquire about job opportunities, speak to people about potential contracts, talk to people about temporary housing options, etc.

It's basically the same thing I was doing when I have been applying for jobs in New Orleans and contacting short term rentals out there. There's not a whole lot people can do as far as getting hired and getting a place unless you are physically living in that city. If you are lucky you can line up a job to transfer or have something waiting for you. Many of us don't have that luxury... it's more of you have to be living there to get those things. So he has been actively looking into it and today he said he was looking all over the county for pending positions and job openings he could get into.

And yes, I am holding firm to not living together. I was willing to live with him for a few weeks or a month until I found a job and had income, but I can't have him live here. I share my place and I also don't want him to move in. If we live together it's either going to be in his house or we get our own place if we are getting married. I'm not going to change my mind on that. I am in absolutely no hurry at all to live together. I do think he is sincere. The only thing "off" is that he is all over the place. He has good intentions, he just jumps around a lot, in general. But if he wants something he will make it happen, I think he just needs the space and time to do that on his own. I realize that about him. He doesn't like pressure from others or demands... so I can back off a bit and not press or ask, I trust if he does really intend to do this, then he will.

 

 

As far as asking my ring size... I truly think he was asking me because he wanted to know what size ring I wear because he has been thinking about proposing. He also asked me again about my family's jewelry connections... he's getting the pieces together so he has all the info. I truly don't believe he's passively trying to placate me. I believe he loves me, it is evident... I can see it and feel it. It is real. I don't think he has ulterior motives or is trying to keep me at bay. If we were living together and he was dropping hints about a ring but not delivering, then I would start to think he was trying to placate me and drag it out. By the way none of these conversations have happened with my exes before and we lived together. None of them talked about marriage the way he has. So that is why I give him credit. I don't think it's BS. I think he's serious.

 

 

Over the weekend, there were behaviors and things about the way he acted that kind of annoyed me sometimes. Like habits and mannerisms, etc. When he gets hyper and anxious, it really puts me on edge and I get all wound up, that's when we clash. I can see that. Then on the other hand, we are connected and affectionate, best friends really, we enjoy new experiences together and well I think we are a good team. We resolve differences and even got in a couple little spats recently, little arguments, nothing big... I think we both have hot tempers so that can be a bit of an issue. But we seem to diffuse it quickly.

I mean, there are things I don't LOVE, there are things I find annoying sometimes, these things won't change. I'm sure he finds some of my traits kind of annoying sometimes too. I can be difficult also. You all know that. I feel like I am frustrating and my anxiety gets out of control sometimes.

 

 

But at the end of the day, it is evident that we love each other and he is good to me, kind and loving and well, he treats me like gold. He isn't perfect, he's rough around the edges and eccentric, but....I feel safe and secure with him. Even if sometimes he's all over the place, his heart is in the right place. Other people have commented that they can tell he really loves me. And I know that.

[lana-banana]

I'm sorry, I was just answering your question. I didn't mean I would be against living in the same city and having a normal dating life. On the other hand, I still don't think it is an absolute requirement that people who have been dating for a year, talking every day and are in love and have a deep connection should live together or even date in the same city to want to get engaged. I mean, what about people in the old days like my grandparents or parentsfor that matter, they met, dated for a short time, heck I've heard of penpals who got engaged. There's no rules in love, right?

 

With regards to the underlined part, you are way too smart to make such an asinine comparison. Our grandparents and parents grew up in an era when marriage was essential, divorce was social suicide, and unless you lived in a big city your potential partners were very limited. Of course people got married right out of school; it was their only option. Even today, women around the world get married after meeting their husband-to-be once, and many insist they fall madly in love by sneaking glances across a room. Love is a phenomenon that changes with context.

 

Of course it is practical and wise to get all the questions you could possibly want to know answered, but there will always be things that you don't know, or find out later. I've talked to many married couples who have said they still learn new things about their partner every day. I just don't think it's possible to be totally and 100% sure beyond all doubts about someone. You just choose based on what you do know and make an educated decision and be willing to take a risk if that is what you feel. Right? He and I even talked about that. Of COURSE there are things that we have questions about and don't know yet. It would be impossible to learn everything. Sometimes you just have to go for it, if it feels right and worth taking the leap.

 

The critical difference between all those other couples and your situation is that those people were certain they were with the right person. In the past two weeks you have said you aren't sure he's the one, you don't know if you're making a good decision, you don't know if you're compatible and you have grave doubts about his stability and suitability to support you. But as soon as anyone points this out you do exactly what you've done above---go spinning it off as totally normal, telling us nobody is ever sure and how could anyone be sure, everybody's different, life comes at you fast, maybe this is all just a simulation, etc. You would be an outstanding press secretary.

 

To the point: this is not normal. People in genuinely happy, healthy relationships don't spend a lot of time trying to convince themselves and others that everything is fine. They definitely don't swing back and forth wondering whether their partner is right for them or not. I'm not saying things can't work with this guy, but you're just so far from being ready to marry him, and instead of acknowledging that you're plowing ahead.

 

 

I also feel whiplash.

 

Again, not ideal. I would feel whiplash too if some months into house hunting my fiancé had said "eh, let's move to Boston instead!" I can handle some impulsiveness about where to go for dinner, but on major life decisions? No way.

 

I'm trying to understand why you would say this as though all of these things came out of nowhere. All of these things we have talked about before. I mean, the ring discussion and talk about wedding, living together, future plans... is nothing new. He came right out and asked me my ring size the other day, that is the only thing that is 'new'.

 

You had plans to move to New Orleans by January. You were going to sublet your apartment and find a job out there. He was arguing passionately to get you out there and even willing to talk to your father to convince him that you should move out there. Then he's suddenly over it and wants to come to you. But he can't say when and it's completely out of your control.

 

This is...weird. It's yet another step backwards for your relationship. Instead of preparing for s future together you are back to being long-distance indefinitely. I have a feeling if he hadn't asked about your ring size you would have had a very different reaction to the entire situation.

 

I have said (repeatedly!) in the past that this guy is probably sincere but the way he brings up marriage is manipulative. It always seems to happen when you're disagreeing or on the verge of some major change or discussion. And here we are again.

 

I just don't know, Venus. It's been over a year and you still haven't spent much time together, you're no closer to living in the same place and have no timeline for anything further. Worse yet, it appears you're determined to be engaged before you can actually figure out whether you'd function well as a couple or not. That just doesn't sound like a strategy for a happily ever after; it's more like emptying your refrigerator into a pan, tossing it into the oven and hoping to God it'll come out well.

 

But at the end of the day, it is evident that we love each other and he is good to me, kind and loving and well, he treats me like gold. He isn't perfect, he's rough around the edges and eccentric, but....I feel safe and secure with him. Even if sometimes he's all over the place, his heart is in the right place. Other people have commented that they can tell he really loves me. And I know that.

 

This is so important, but it's only one of many necessary elements for a successful relationship. If you truly aren't in a rush, don't rush. I don't see why you're determined to add the stress of an engagement so long before you're ready. Why not just say "hey, we should hold off on the ring until we're sure we can make this work"?

 

(PS: One hundred pages! Wow!)