When it rains it pours

[Nicole10]

Venus, I know how long distance can be hard. It is not easy but time to move on.

[introverted1]

You have no idea what you're talking about Lana. You are obviously a pretty girl who assumes that even if you looked plain like me, that you could get it all in a guy. LOL.

 

WTH?

 

There are plenty of ordinary looking people who have successful, loving marriages with partners who tick their all their boxes.

 

I have no idea what Lana looks like but I am willing to bet that while her fiance no doubt finds her attractive, he wouldn't be marrying her unless her personality and character meshed with his!

 

Being physically attracted to one's partner is not a perk reserved only for the beautiful people of the world! In fact, that's one of the amazing things about love - when we love someone, they often become MORE attractive to us.

 

Venus - are you sure your bf and/or his friends don't know you post here? Your posts would certainly be identifiable to anyone who knows you. The response from Brenda seems quite personal.

 

How are you feeling?

[GemmaUK]

At least now - you're both at agreement stage so no need to see each other or exchange gifts - that would be pointless - you are interested in another man so it would be cruel to have that meet up with NOLA guy.

 

Clean slate. No contact.

The end.

This doesn't need to be analysed any further.

 

Move forward Venus and grow, learn how to communicate more effectively. It has been tough for us reading this thread all the way through (not just recently) - something that has been said time and again and I believe you know you 'flip flop' around yourself.

 

Get things straight for you next time - maybe in 6 months or a year when you next date. Don't be afraid to ask questions with a potential partner - it saves the angst of spin and speculation and saves on heck of a lot of time!

[BluEyeL]

I do feel that people are too harsh on you. That happens when a thread goes on too long and you put yourself out there too much.

 

This guy was clearly not compatible with you, and didn't want the same things as you. He was stalling. It doesn't mean he's not a good guy, or a good partner, but not for you. Good for you for cutting this off. Good riddance!

 

Now, when you're ready, date local men. Also, please play it more cool. Read some books, go to some therapy. Don't let the men feel you're desperate. I don't know what to tell you to do exaclty, it's all in the vibe you give. Control your emotions and keep at it and you'll eventually win!'

 

Also, maybe don't date guys who are much older and already have kids. Determine if they want marriage and kids from their demeanor, what they say in different contexts in the very beginning of dating. Generally, if you pay attention, you can tell. People tell you very early on who they are. I took notes on my fiancee after the first few dates. Now 2.5 years later, it's amazing how accurate I was about the good, and the bad.

 

Good luck getting over this break up and best of luck in the future. Keep your boundaries, and cut off men who aren't serious as not to waste time, but don't do that by coming out with strong statements directly. Be subtle! Hope it works out!

Edited December 22, 2016 by BluEyeL

[Leigh 87]

WTH?

 

There are plenty of ordinary looking people who have successful, loving marriages with partners who tick their all their boxes.

 

I have no idea what Lana looks like but I am willing to bet that while her fiance no doubt finds her attractive, he wouldn't be marrying her unless her personality and character meshed with his!

 

Being physically attracted to one's partner is not a perk reserved only for the beautiful people of the world! In fact, that's one of the amazing things about love - when we love someone, they often become MORE attractive to us.

 

Venus - are you sure your bf and/or his friends don't know you post here? Your posts would certainly be identifiable to anyone who knows you. The response from Brenda seems quite personal.

 

How are you feeling?

 

I am not advocating settling....

 

I didn't settle.

 

I am encouraging Venus to ignore some of the negative comments that are unfair and unnecessary. Not Lana but others have posted some rather nasty comments surrounding Venus's character.

 

I have friends like venus (yes I am the ugly friend; my friends are all pretty) and while I also found true love too, I totally recognize that Venus is like my friends yet was trying to settle.

 

Where as for me her relationship wouldn't have felt like settling to me. As all I need is amazing chemistry, a best friend who I admire and his ability to hold a job. I don't need a thing more andam happy to work hard on a bunch of issues.

 

Venus has been attacked to a small degree (given she is clearly an awesome girl and most of us support her positively).

 

I want to simply let Venus know that even anecdotally with a teeeeeeny sample size of friends in my life, I have a couple friends like you (pretty and educated) who have THE SAME outlook and set of standards as Venus.

 

So if I know women like Venus who would have totally gone about her situation in a similar fashion, then she should go easy on herself when she is feeling terrible; in spite of some negatively here, she actually gave him WAY WAY more time of day than my pretty high calibre friends.

 

My pretty friends would have not even began the relationship or they would have ended it in a week or 2 upon finding out the guy didn't have a retirement fund.

 

I on the other hand, am thrilled to be with a similar guy to Venus; for me it aint close to settling. And that's okay, it doesn'tmake Venus too demanding or a princess for having higher standards than me.

 

And it's in fact, expect of pretty desirable women to have it all not only on paper, but emotionally and the rest. Women like me innately know we are not attractive enough to have it all so we compromise to an extent (never said it was settling, just that some of us have less pre requisites).

 

Venus wasn't fussy, she is acting like a desirable in demand female. As do my friends. Her actions were actually bending generously beyond the norm for her type.

 

I commend Venus for hanging onto the relationship as long as she did; most women like her wouldn't have even dated such a man to begin with.

 

Venus therfore actually has loads of compassion, seeinf as she wanted to hang on to true love and put her check list aside when my pretty friends and I am sure most attractive women, wouldn't have.

 

She has gotten a bit of a bad deal here from certaib posters. Namely those who aren't regulars on her thread.

[Leigh 87]

WTH?

 

There are plenty of ordinary looking people who have successful, loving marriages with partners who tick their all their boxes.

 

I have no idea what Lana looks like but I am willing to bet that while her fiance no doubt finds her attractive, he wouldn't be marrying her unless her personality and character meshed with his!

 

Being physically attracted to one's partner is not a perk reserved only for the beautiful people of the world! In fact, that's one of the amazing things about love - when we love someone, they often become MORE attractive to us.

 

Venus - are you sure your bf and/or his friends don't know you post here? Your posts would certainly be identifiable to anyone who knows you. The response from Brenda seems quite personal.

 

How are you feeling?

 

 

This is why I am elated and still infatuated and filled with joy about my relationship. He thinks I am very pretty. He was enamoured with me and smitten with my looks despite me gaining 25 lbs since meeting.

 

And we are great friends and compatible.

 

So while this is the relationship jackpot for a girl like ME, Venus needs all this AND MORE to feel satisfied and that is TOTALLY OKAY and she isn't being too demanding for requiring more than great chemistry and laughter together and the fact he holds a job.

 

At 30 personally there is no way I would expect to find a guy where we shared the special spark AND was financialy stable AND wantes kids ASAP:lmao:

 

I can definitely related to Venus in her recent dilemma, she saw that true chemistry of the white hot kind is rare enough, much less with a great hearted man who is into her! She didn't want to let go of that so easily which I understand and even pushed in this thread/her journey. I encouraged her to think beyond the box. I knew my very pretty friends wouldn't have.

 

However, now I can see/have learnt a lesson myself; women who are pretty have more options and obviously innately know they are selling themselves short if they settled for what makes the average woman happy in a relationship.

 

I hope her ex ends up with a plain girl like me who he is just as into as he was Venus, and who will accept his less than ideal financial and life situation.

[venusishername]

WTH?

There are plenty of ordinary looking people who have successful, loving marriages with partners who tick their all their boxes.

Venus - are you sure your bf and/or his friends don't know you post here? Your posts would certainly be identifiable to anyone who knows you. The response from Brenda seems quite personal.

How are you feeling?

I thought the same thing, looks have nothing to do with finding love and a compatible partner and lasting love. That is a myth, Leigh.

And I also thought the same about Brenda’s comments :/

If that is the case, I hope to god the details of this thread remain private.

I’m doing ok. Not great. He flew into CA today. It’s very strange knowing he’s in the same state but that I won’t be seeing him. I’m trying to make plans with friends and family all weekend now that m. I had originally thought to see him for coffee (away from family) on Christmas Day. I don’t think being interested in dating other men in the near future would be a reason not to see him to at least have a face to face. I know it will be difficult. But I think it’s a good idea to have the closure, and I do love him. I truly do. I had bought him a gift that he could wear in CA about a month ago, and I would really like him to have it.

I do feel that people are too harsh on you. That happens when a thread goes on too long and you put yourself out there too much.

This guy was clearly not compatible with you, and didn't want the same things as you. He was stalling. It doesn't mean he's not a good guy, or a good partner, but not for you. Good for you for cutting this off. Good riddance!

Now, when you're ready, date local men. Also, please play it more cool. Read some books, go to some therapy. Don't let the men feel you're desperate. I don't know what to tell you to do exaclty, it's all in the vibe you give. Control your emotions and keep at it and you'll eventually win!'

Also, maybe don't date guys who are much older and already have kids. Determine if they want marriage and kids from their demeanor, what they say in different contexts in the very beginning of dating. Generally, if you pay attention, you can tell. People tell you very early on who they are. I took notes on my fiancee after the first few dates. Now 2.5 years later, it's amazing how accurate I was about the good, and the bad.

Good luck getting over this break up and best of luck in the future. Keep your boundaries, and cut off men who aren't serious as not to waste time, but don't do that by coming out with strong statements directly. Be subtle! Hope it works out!

Thank you. I thought he was serious and proved to be putting in all the efforts, as much as possible to maintain and nurture the relationship.

[lana-banana]

More to the point: it's interesting that you say you thought he was putting in a lot of effort when it was pretty obvious he wasn't. What was he doing besides calling? He wasn't coming to see you or close the distance in your relationship. Obviously being in an LDR is very different, but I'm curious as to why you thought he was "nurturing the relationship" when he was just...talking. It reminds me of the days when idoltree, sagamore and I had to tell you to separate words from deeds.

 

Even if he was not just saying but doing all the right things, it wouldn't have mattered because he wasn't the right man for you. Had you spent more time in person you may have figures that out more quickly, but I think after a couple visits (when he was already annoying you) you should have had some inkling. I think you were very hopeful to make it work and proceeded against your better judgment in hopes that you could fit a square peg in a round hole.

Edited December 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reference to banned member ~T

[No_Go]

Venus exBF financial stability is irrelevant - they didn't share life goals, so it really doesn't matter. I bet he'd be acting differently if he wanted imminently wife+kids, but he enjoyed him bohemian low-cost low-worry life.

 

Venus, how are you doing with Christmas? I'm twisting from inside that I'm apart from my ex Hope you manage your emotions and resist seeing him in person, it is VERY traumatizing if you still love him, and trust me - it won't give you closure, just more questions and concerns.

Save

Edited December 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reference to banned member ~T

[venusishername]

I just want to comment about his line of work, and job stability, etc. There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with his line of work or anything about that. I never did care how much he made, I just cared about how much he kept. I was able to observe his spending habits and they were pretty extreme and got out of hand sometimes.

His main complaint about moving to CA was that he needed to save more money. Then I see him spending thousands on this trip, and then he complains about not having any money to save left. Then don’t spend the money to begin with!! WTH! I realize that it was a way to see me, for a small portion of the trip, I get it… but the fact that he refused to put money away (as far as I could see) for a move to CA and instead put it all towards the vacation, another vacation, I think that was the nail in the coffin.

Yes, I have debt. From getting a degree at a well respected university. I am about to apply for a Master’s Degree so I will be incurring more student debt to do so. I don’t think student debt is unusual in this day and age, for people in my generation. I have never once missed a payment and I have excellent credit, and have financial security and stability in my line of work. I crave that stability. He does not share that goal, as I have seen.

I get parking tickets sometimes. But I pay them off. I actually got one a month ago and I called to dispute and to ask questions. I still had to pay it and I wanted to stick it to the man while I was writing that check!

I have never once in my entire life bounced a check. The check that was bounced was a very small amount of money. I realize his line of work doesn’t come with a steady paycheck 365 days a year. Sometimes he works double time and makes three times as much as I do. Sometimes he doesn’t work at all or does side work. Normally, that would mean he should save up while he’s working and making good income for the lean times. I have yet to see that happen. I’m not saying that he’s in dire straits but a very, very poor management of money. That’s not an attractive quality when one is looking for a stable partner. It doesn’t reflect on his character. It is just a trait that I could not overlook, no matter how I tried.

[Sometymeswhy]

Listen the bottom line is we all have the right to accept or reject whatever traits work for us or do not. There are different ways to live your life. Fantastic if flying by the seat of your pants works for you. But for Venus it doesn't work. And over time these incompatibilities only grow into resentments so better to know now then later. She has the right to break up over any reasons she sees fit.

 

Every one of us has fallen in love for the wrong reasons. No shame in that. Venus, you will move on from this heartbreak. The best scenario is that you can come to a place where you two can remain friends as you have a bond, yet can move on and be at peace with the situation.

[NuevoYorko]

But I know I can't have it all the way pretty women like Venus and I am sure you do.

That's ridiculous. Yes, a pretty woman attracts more men than one who's not pretty. And a pretty woman has just as much chance of ending up sitting at the bar alone when she's 50 as one who's not pretty.

[Leigh 87]

That's ridiculous. Yes, a pretty woman attracts more men than one who's not pretty. And a pretty woman has just as much chance of ending up sitting at the bar alone when she's 50 as one who's not pretty.

 

I attract lots of men. Despite not being pretty. I have a good smile.

 

But I am sure someone like Venus should realistically hold out for the full package on paper where as why should a med student aged 30 like me be demanding in my lists of relationship criteria?

 

I tried to point out that her bfs situation in life would be a okay by me but I have friends like her who are pretty and degree educated who can OBVIOUSLY wait until they find their equal.

 

When and if I am a well off podiatrist in 2 to 3 years (if I don't dck up my exams, gulp), I too would be hoping to find a financially stable man. But being a lowly med student I have no business dismissing men like Venus's recent. The chemistry and true love and good character would be well enough for me! And is with my bf.

 

I am a med student at 30 with no pretty looks so obviously some people, possibly others on here who have made negative remarks, are super content with men like Venus's recent. And may find Venus *fussy* and nit picky.

 

I am here to say that Venus showed loads of compassion and a down to earth nature in how she gave it a shot.

[Weezy1973]

So Venus, you fell in love with someone who isn't compatible long term. That's it. Most of us have done it. The key is - what have you learned? How do you grow from this?

 

And Leigh...I just can't...even...

[Leigh 87]

So Venus, you fell in love with someone who isn't compatible long term. That's it. Most of us have done it. The key is - what have you learned? How do you grow from this?

 

And Leigh...I just can't...even...

 

What's right for Venus and her criteria shouldn't be what women of a much lower callibre aim for.

 

How is that baffling?

 

I am trying to figure out why that poster reacted the way in which they did. I figured he just had lower standards and couldn't believe Venus would turn down the opportunity to be with a man who clearly was crazy about her and sounds like he was well satisfied and loyal.

 

I was explaining that different people have different standards based on who they are and what options are available to them. It isn't useful to call strangers out for ending relationships for valid reasons that franky, most attractive women would have done the same and much earlier on than Venus did.

[NuevoYorko]

What's right for Venus and her criteria shouldn't be what women of a much lower callibre aim for.

 

How is that baffling?

Because what Venus looks like has nothing to do with the caliber of woman she is. We don't even know what she looks like. Yes, she says she is beautiful and I'm sure she is, but we can't see her. So - it's kind of going down a weird and random rabbit hole to keep on about the looks thing.

[venusishername]

I'm glad to hear everyone's input. This is a really tough time. And Leigh, I hear you, it's just that me and others are trying to say that being pretty or not pretty has very little weight in the long run. Sure, I get noticed by men, and approached, but look at me now, I'm still single. I had three long term failed relationships, none of which resulted in marriage. I take my part in that. I just don't think you have to settle for anything less whether or not you are attractive. Plus, Leigh, I think you are a very pretty woman! For what it's worth

 

I'm not handling this holiday well. It's pretty dang lonely and I'm really beating myself up. It's especially hard since I know he's in the state and to go through the next couple days knowing he's close by, that's tough. I think for the time being we are still planning to meet sometime on Sunday privately. I thought I would do that after the family stuff. Then if it was painful and emotional, as I expect it to be... I can just drive home and cry my eyes out if I want to, and not have to compose myself. I am very lucky to have such good friends and people in my life supporting me and offering their time and company. I am trying to stay busy and around people as much as I can. It's very sad. The original plan was that I would meet him Christmas Eve for a big family party, then stay with him at family's home, same for the next day, we were going to stay together. Obviously the plans changed. Like he says, we just have to adapt now.

 

We've still been talking, communicating, not as much as before of course. I know he's hurting and so am I. I've been going through a lot of guilt, for hurting him, second guessing myself often... like Leigh keeps saying, he is a great guy and loyal and he sure did offer me a lot of love. It's hard to wrap my head around it sometimes... like am I being foolish and selfish in letting that go? I have a man who was/is willing to love me and be there for me. To make plans together, to have a relationship...he treated me very well. That's very hard to walk away from. Despite everything else. I have thought sometimes... maybe I have taken him for granted....

I admit I have been critical and hard headed... I can see where I could have been more willing to compromise.

 

 

But I think obviously it must have been a feeling in my gut that made me choose to do this... the red flags, the incompatible goals and lifestyles....the 'no rush' to close the distance. His unwillingness to fully commit. To at least commit to SOMETHING. Even just moving to CA. And I was willing and ready to help him, I even created a budget template.

I remember talking to him often about the plans, my plans to move there, etc. We started arguing about it, and it began to cause a tension in the relationship. The honeymoon was over... not the heady, romantic lustful longing feelings... it was time to get real. My idea, of course.

 

 

I think when we started (talking about) planning to close the distance (me moving there)... is when things kind of started to unravel. The last time I went to New Orleans it was the best time we had spent together (in September). After that I knew I just couldn't do the long distance anymore. I wanted to be with my love. And once I started thinking about all the planning and what it would mean to leave CA.. I was very torn. I started thinking about the negative things that I couldn't ignore... I was just overwhelmed by it and I realized there was something holding me back. Most people I talked to (friends and family) encouraged me to be happy and take a risk but they all told me after the fact that they knew I didn't want to go, and that it would've been a mistake if I did.

Honestly I think in my heart at that time I was debating to move there, I knew that there were some major hurdles and incompatibilities that wouldn't or probably wouldn't work out in the long run. I would have liked to have been more courageous, but I just couldn't bear it to leave here.

And once he said he would like to come here, and that staying in CA would probably be in my best interest....I was so happy. Then he came in November and I felt something different. I felt like I wasn't as in love anymore. I can't really explain why. But after that visit, I think I started detaching. We had a great time together, and of course we have a special connection... I just couldn't put my finger on it. I was slipping away. That was a painful feeling. Soon I couldn't ignore it. We went from planning, or trying to plan my move out there, to not talking about it anymore. Then I switched over to talking to him about his move here, and he said he couldn't do it for another six months, or so, so he didn't want to talk about it and started getting angry and frustrated. It was like he didn't have any real motivation to close the distance, and it was just me itching to make that happen. It was almost as if he could've easily continued that forever. Although of course he wanted to be with me and loved me, he was satisfied with the status quo. That was mid-November.

 

 

Then I started noticing that I was noticing other men. I went to that wedding and I think it sealed the deal. I saw all the couples together and one of my best friends get married, and I realized that I want an every day relationship like theirs. I could see that it just 'fit' and felt right. I saw how much she loved him, and how she was practicing writing his last name before the wedding. I saw how in love she was, and how he got tears in his eyes when people were congratulating him. I thought, 'I want to feel like that too'. With my bf, it just didn't feel that way. Not that he did anything wrong. It just didn't feel that way with us, for me.

 

And I haven't ever meant to nitpick on him or make him out to be a bad person, he's not.. he's a great man and he is genuine and loving. He deserves happiness. And I knew if I wasn't happy in the relationship, I'd not only be hurting him but I'd be hurting myself. I couldn't stand the thought of thinking of him lonely and hurting, like I was feeling. I thought he deserved more than that. And he does.

 

 

And I think with the bickering and butting heads that we did sometimes... the lack of intimacy, being long distance, it was just getting too painful. Of course there were many happy moments, and love between us.

 

 

After the wedding, and all this building up.... the fact that men around me seemed to come out of the woodworks and were approaching me and asking me out... I was vulnerable to it and certainly tempted, for the first time. All of a sudden, I wanted to be available to dating someone in my own city... out of loneliness, maybe... but when that guy at the wedding was describing the date that he wanted to take me on... I thought to myself, 'Yeah, that would be nice'. Once I realized I was entertaining the idea of going out with someone else, I knew I had to end it. Among the other things too. Because it wasn't just that guy who asked me out, I noticed I started looking at other men the same way, as if I wanted to be available. And I realize that I do. I want to be available to someone who is also available, who lives here. And I've noticed lately that there are men around who are, who are interested in me.

 

I've been in a long distance relationship for over a year that I poured my heart, soul, and dedication into. I was fully committed. I may not have been as compromising as I could have been sometimes. I was too hard headed at times, I think.

But I want to date someone who lives here in my city, and I have the opportunities to. I also have opportunities to date someone who is in a similar life place and who wants similar things and who could be a good provider and husband. Not that my bf wouldn't be a good partner, I just saw evidence that he didn't share my life goals, in particular starting a new family. I think I was compromising what I really want when I said on this thread that having kids isn't important to me. It is. Provided I'm married, that is first and foremost. But I would rather marry a man and have our own child that he wants just as much as I do, than marry a man and be a stepmother, who doesn't really want another child. I think I'm still plenty young enough to meet someone who wants to marry and who wants his own children, with me. So I'll have to date men who are younger, closer to my age, who either don't have kids already, or ones who want more, and very soon. Some men I have been romantically involved with in the past, really wanted to have kids. So I need to only date guys like that now. Clearly that will get me closer to my goal.

 

 

After over a year, he still hesitated and made excuses not to close the distance in any definite timeframe.. even if he had good intentions... I just got to a point where I wasn't willing to wait indefinitely. He has had plenty of opportunity to commit more than a daily phone call and visits every 2 months.

 

Lana, you asked me what I felt he was doing to nurture the relationship, other than call me and make plans for us to see each other (funding the majority of the expenses other than my flights).... I mean, all along I thought that was more than plenty. He put in a lot of effort in my eyes... by doing that. He was consistent in his communication, he was there for me, to talk.... well, to talk. Of course he was an emotional support and vice versa.

 

I think what hurt me the most is that he wasn't planning to make time at all during this upcoming trip to be alone with me, not even half a day. I couldn't take any more time off because I maxxed it out this year, so I couldn't join him up in Northern CA and make the drive down, even though he had offered me to join them. I know that circumstances are that this is his family time, but even if we had two days together, I would have liked just some time alone. Maybe I'm asking too much. He didn't seem to understand how I could be hurt about that. Being around family 24/7 is lovely, but not if you don't have a regular day to day relationship. That's nice if you're together all the time. I've done that before with an ex from the past... we lived together so any vacations up to his Mom's place with family all around was so lovely and welcoming. This hectic running around and no privacy of this current trip was beginning to cause me anxiety.

 

When he said a couple weeks ago that he may try to come see me first so we could have time together first, much needed, I was so happy and told him that would be great, I hope he can. Then he told me he couldn't do it, and I said I understand, but I think that's when I finally resigned.

 

He said I was causing him stress and putting him in a bad mood, so he didn't have time or want to argue or have that stress in his life. He doesn't even really want to talk about it. He seems to not want to talk about a lot of things. He always said I was beating a dead horse. I admit sometimes I press, but whenever I started talking about his move here, he would get angry and frustrated that he already told me a million times he can't do anything about it right now. I do understand that, but like I said, I saw no action on his part to actually make a real move, other than just talk. Like Lana, Sagamore, Introverted were saying... talk is cheap. I see that.

 

 

Honestly all his vacation planning was centered around his family, and he spent a lot of money (fine if he has it), but in his mind the excuse he has always used with me is that he can't move is because he doesn't have the money to do it yet. So you work and make good money, and you spent it all on the trip and gifts. And then you don't even carve out a little bit of alone time for us? When we see each other every 6-8 weeks if we're lucky?

What kind of relationship is that? To see each other every two months, sleep together for a couple days, many of the times while he's in CA it is surrounded by family?! I guess he didn't see why I wasn't satisfied with that anymore. I know I'm harping, but I don't recommend anyone ever get involved in a long distance relationship, unless you're ok with just casually dating. And I'll never do it again, that's for sure.

 

We tried, I tried, I truly did. It was very romantic and special. I'm very sad that I had to end it. I feel that if I didn't, this would drag out indefinitely. That's why when at first I said to him that I can't date him unless we live in the same city, I was really leaving it open. What I didn't say is, and I don't want to have to, is that I'm not willing to wait. I can't potentially keep myself available to him and also date other men. I just can't. So I can't tell him that I will date him if and when he gets here, that would be leaving it open. I don't date multiple people anyway, plus I want a serious, committed relationship so I can't be a hypocrite and not be committed to the person I'm with.

 

Plus, if he moved here, ever, I would want him to do that for himself, and not to appease me. I told him that before. And now that the relationship has ended I can see that he doesn't really seem into the idea anyway.

 

I'm beating myself up sometimes for not compromising more, and thinking well, maybe if I could just wait until April.... and not be so quick to let a good man go who loves me... just to be alone...

I can see where I didn't listen to him before. I wanted to believe otherwise, or that he would or could change. I thought I could convince him or that he would be more open to the things I wanted. Maybe I didn't accept him for all he is, and that is unfortunate. Like Lana said, I think I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I truly wish this would have worked out. Most of all, I wish we had never been in a long distance relationship, I think the mistake was that we thought it could last being 100% committed and monogamous while being long distance. Like I said, those are nice if you're into casual dating. But I'm not. I started to think that he was really just interested in something casual at the end of the day. Like he was too preoccupied or busy or liked his own life too much there to make any major changes or disruption. As it turned out, it seems that was the case.

Or maybe he just started to see that I wanted a lot more and was becoming demanding and putting the pressure on, and was hard headed and kind of difficult sometimes. I guess that probably turned him off even more, I'm sure. Maybe next time I won't be so hard headed and stubborn, and be more compromising. I'm not sure that would have changed anything in this situation though. My girlfriends all tell me they're proud of me and to stick to my guns, which I certainly have.

 

 

I started to agree with my parents, that he's been getting the sweet deal of being able to see me and spend time with me on these vacations every two months, and then going back to his own life, as a single guy, not making any moves to close the distance, to keep it low pressure, no commitment other than calling and making arrangements for 'vacations'.

I don't want a relationship based on vacations. I told him that. In fact, I started getting ANGRY when he started talking about vacations after awhile.

 

And I am not dating yet or really plan on it right away, but I do know that I want to open myself to the possibility of meeting someone in my own city who shares my goals and lifestyle and is available and is in a stable place and who isn't just talk. I do believe he had good intentions. He just didn't follow through on them.

 

 

Anyway, trying to get through each day. Looking forward to feeling better soon.

[venusishername]

Because what Venus looks like has nothing to do with the caliber of woman she is. We don't even know what she looks like. Yes, she says she is beautiful and I'm sure she is, but we can't see her. So - it's kind of going down a weird and random rabbit hole to keep on about the looks thing.

 

I never said that, by the way. I have been called pretty, beautiful, sexy, hot, whatever, by men. If you were asking me I would say none of that matters here anyway. So what if men think I'm attractive? It just means I'm probably approached more often. It doesn't mean I'm happier, have better luck in relationships, or am not lonely. I'm unhappy, unlucky in relationships, and lonely right now.

 

 

One of my best girlfriends pointed out to me that every time she is out with me some guy either approaches me, is checking me out, or has asked her about me after the fact. I'm like, 'where was I when all this was happening?!' And she's now married. Just because some men find me attractive doesn't mean they approach me, I date more, or have success. I may get more looks on the street but I could count on one hand the men who have approached me and expressed their interest and asked me out in the past 6 months. In the past week or so it's been about three times, which I found was interesting.

 

 

Anyway, being beautiful or pretty or handsome will probably get you asked on more dates than if you were not as attractive, but as you can see, it has no bearing on being a good partner, or any reflection on a person's caliber/worth. I feel like a really sh**ty person right now. I feel very ugly for hurting him and for ending the relationship. I feel like the bad guy.

Edited December 23, 2016 by venusishername

[Timshel]

Venus,

Is there any way on earth that you will condense your thoughts? Of course I am being a jerk by saying this but holy crap woman, reading your thread is as Midwest put it, War and Peace.

 

I am sorry that you are hurting this Christmas time, I think that you do love the man. I also think that you are moving on and it's the right way.

A few people read your thread and care about you...maybe one of your NY resolutions will be to shorten the story.

 

Merry Christmas XO

[Timshel]

I have to add this; I have kept up with your thread Venus, mostly because every poster has broken your posts to bits.

It's too easy for me to come in now when we know who has been with you every step here. I have not contributed diligently.

 

I have followed and I am sure many others have as well. There has been no need to offer my opinion as it is the same.

Edited December 23, 2016 by Timshel

[NuevoYorko]

And I haven't ever meant to nitpick on him or make him out to be a bad person, he's not.. he's a great man and he is genuine and loving. He deserves happiness. And I knew if I wasn't happy in the relationship, I'd not only be hurting him but I'd be hurting myself. I couldn't stand the thought of thinking of him lonely and hurting, like I was feeling. I thought he deserved more than that. And he does.

 

I'm really glad to hear you say this. One of the reasons I personally have been less empathetic with you than I could have been is that you usually have seemed down on him and picking him apart for being who he is - who you KNOW he is, because you've told us since a long time ago. I completely get and respect that he is not a good fit for you, and that he has major faults as a human, but the nonstop repetition of "he's irresponsible," "bad provider," "all talk," "wants a trophy," "in it for convenience" was making me feel cold towards your situation. You chose to have this relationship and I don't believe he led you on or misrepresented himself, you just deeply wanted him to be a different person than he was, you weren't successful at molding him to fit what you want, and you seemed angry at him for it.

 

I do understand staying with a person when you really know that they're not the right fit for you, or the relationship is not going well. I've also done what you've done and complained about their traits, which I certainly knew about early. As we mature, I think we should hold ourselves to higher standards and expect less projection and more self reflection from ourselves in our relationships.

 

I know it's a very tough Christmas for you. Stay strong and know that this won't last forever. One good thing about an LDR is that when it's over, you won't see the person in your social life, work, whatever.

[venusishername]

Venus,

Is there any way on earth that you will condense your thoughts? Of course I am being a jerk by saying this but holy crap woman, reading your thread is as Midwest put it, War and Peace.

 

I am sorry that you are hurting this Christmas time, I think that you do love the man. I also think that you are moving on and it's the right way.

A few people read your thread and care about you...maybe one of your NY resolutions will be to shorten the story.

 

Merry Christmas XO

 

My apologies, I use this as a journal. Merry Christmas to you too.

[NuevoYorko]

My apologies, I use this as a journal. Merry Christmas to you too.

I actually think it might be good for you to try to condense your thoughts and discern what the core point is before committing to them. If you step back and read one of your posts completely objectively, I think you will be able to see that you're encouraging your own circuitous thought patterns, and they are not helping you any. Self editing is a useful discipline, including when applied to how we function within our imaginations. Here on LS it could be helpful in practicing good communication.

[lana-banana]

You say you're still communicating---why? What good does it do you to stay in touch? Why do you absolutely need to meet to exchange presents, instead of mailing them to each other? Do you really think you'll achieve any kind of closure when you see him? I think it's more likely you'll just re-traumatize yourself and set back your healing process. Do what's best for you but be careful.

[GemmaUK]

It seems you need drama - hence still meeting and still being in contact.

I'm getting that you like spin, speculation and drama - you feed from it and spin more on it. Why? This kinda stuff is pointless and exhausting.

 

If you always do this in each relationship then it's no wonder you have long lasting problems each time.

 

It won't help either of you to meet and exchange gifts that were from when you were together.

 

It'll just make Christmas that bit more sucky and give you stress - you already have stated you have anxiety so how will meeting him help?

But - you like drama it seems so maybe the meet will feed that - in which case - enjoy!