When it rains it pours

[NuevoYorko]

1. Never get in a LDR again . You don't have time for something with such low chance of working out

2. When men do not show consistent interest dump them inmediately

3. Do not come so strong with the marriage and kids talk. Ask the guy questions to learn how he thinks. You can figure out if he's the marrying type from indirect questions. If the guy falls in love with you and is the marrying type then he'll marry you. Play it cool, really , but if the guy clearly shows he's not the marrying type don't spend any more time on him.

4. Only date available men, emotionally and I. Other ways (local and unattached)

5. Consider the boring guys they are the best bet.

6. Get a dating coach. I had one and in six months I met my fiancée. It cost me $90/month it wasn't one of the super expensive ones. For that money I got phone and email access. I hated it when she told me to dump everyone I liked but in hindsight she was right. I listened to her and that's why I succeeded in achieving my goal.

 

I agree with all this, including that it's not wrong for Venus to be goal oriented about dating results; BUT, this entire thread illustrates consistently that Venus, for now, lacks the ability to do what you suggest in the bolded. She denies messages and information that don't confirm her fantasies about a situation, and if a passable guy acts like he is experiencing "love at first sight" with her, she's toast. She will not figure out whether he's the marrying type as long as the endorphins ignited by flattery, romance and fantasy are flowing. So, I think she would have to work on that before your good advice could be of help to her - and that is what the timeline is at odds with.

 

I don't doubt that it can be worked through! But the willingness to prioritize it and honestly look through all the headiness would need to be there. It takes time.

 

 

Sometymeswhy wrote:

 

Part of your problem has been the circle of men you were exposed to, particularly the Tinder crowd. Not much to work with there.

 

And consistently meeting men in bars / clubs. Guys coming on strong when you're sitting on a barstool or dancing in a club are a dime a dozen.

NOLA guy wasn't necessarily a bad boy

I really don't think he was at all - but they did meet in a bar or club. Edited December 30, 2016 by NuevoYorko

[venusishername]

I know people who felt great chemistry with reliable men. Decent men who are marriage martial don't always have to go hand in hand with low or mediocre chemistry.

In response to a post asking if I’ve ever been single for 12 months.. yes, before this current bf (ex) I was “single” for three years or so. I dated casually and did not have a boyfriend for several years.

I'm a very practical person and I'm very much ok with you wanting marriage and kids and I understand why you are panicked about not being able to achieve this goal. I would like you to get this done.

 

To do that, look at what you're doing wrong. If the goal eluded you it means you're doing something that it is not working.

 

In my opinion it's the men you select, the time you waste with them and talking too much about the relationship too early. Please read some dating and relationship books and adjust the way you think so you can get what you want faster. Not just read but also do! Just reading would be like me reading diet books and still not losing the 20 lb. ok just a few things from me:

 

1. Never get in a LDR again . You don't have time for something with such low chance of working out

2. When men do not show consistent interest dump them inmediately

3. Do not come so strong with the marriage and kids talk. Ask the guy questions to learn how he thinks. You can figure out if he's the marrying type from indirect questions. If the guy falls in love with you and is the marrying type then he'll marry you. Play it cool, really , but if the guy clearly shows he's not the marrying type don't spend any more time on him.

4. Only date available men, emotionally and I. Other ways (local and unattached)

5. Consider the boring guys they are the best bet.

6. Get a dating coach. I had one and in six months I met my fiancée. It cost me $90/month it wasn't one of the super expensive ones. For that money I got phone and email access. I hated it when she told me to dump everyone I liked but in hindsight she was right. I listened to her and that's why I succeeded in achieving my goal.

Thanks, BlueEye. If you could PM me, maybe I could locate your dating coach, or you could point me in the right direction where to look/what to look for.

NOLA guy wasn't necessarily a bad boy but he was in the sense that he remained just out of reach. The wrong guys will position and keep themselves that way. Good news is you've come full circle with the notion of "when it rains it pours" with these new prospects and now you are better positioned to act on it.

In your early conversations with a new date you can ask them what they are looking for and listen carefully to how they respond. You'll get all the answers you need before you invest emotionally. Be wary when they say they are just looking for someone to hang out with and have a good time, and so on. And be super cautious about getting caught in the web of compliments...you are so sexy, beautiful, special, etc... these players know just what to say to a vulnerable woman. Makes you feel good and you ignore red flags and you hear what you want to hear. You now know this though, right?

Yes, I do.

I think “NOLA guy” isn’t a bad boy either, but I get it what you mean, he is just out of reach. Makes sense. He’s not fully available. I see that now.

Get real. You and your ex are only talking because you're lonely and break-ups are hard. Keeping up contact will only make it harder to move on. You (both!) need to grow up and detach. I'm not trying to be hard on you when you're already in a bad place, but this isn't healthy.

If you want to have better, more mature relationships, you need to behave like someone who has better, more mature relationships. The kinds of men you want to attract would not put up with this. Would you?

I know it’s not healthy. We still have feelings for each other and it’s hard to cut things loose. I think we both feel that we could do things differently, if only we lived in the same city, etc. We are “broken up” but we still have the ties. I know it’s not right.

I agree with all this, including that it's not wrong for Venus to be goal oriented about dating results; BUT, this entire thread illustrates consistently that Venus, for now, lacks the ability to do what you suggest in the bolded. She denies messages and information that don't confirm her fantasies about a situation, and if a passable guy acts like he is experiencing "love at first sight" with her, she's toast. She will not figure out whether he's the marrying type as long as the endorphins ignited by flattery, romance and fantasy are flowing. So, I think she would have to work on that before your good advice could be of help to her - and that is what the timeline is at odds with.

I agree with you, I have done this. Maybe it’s just something I had to learn by experience, to be able to see what is good for me, what I want, what I don’t want. Some people are lucky in that they never have to go through that learning curve. I did. But now I do see things differently and see what I need to change. It was easy to get caught up in the romance and endorphins and push things aside, avoid reality, it’s easy to do that in a LDR. I will never, ever, ever do that again. Had to learn the hard way. It’s ok. I still have time. And I want to do things differently now.

[Sometymeswhy]

The guys who approach you at bars etc are the charming ones who have perfected their game and are perpetually on the hunt. Generalizing of course but your best bet is to meet someone through your network of friends who can introduce you to a nice single guy.

 

I suspect your contact with NOLA will slowly fade. I suppose you can maintain a friendship as long as there are no expectations. But as soon as he lets it be known that he is dating again it will be daggers to your heart and you'll be reminded of his desirability and the pain will endure. Which is why posters recommend cutting it off.

[GemmaUK]

I agree with you, I have done this. Maybe it’s just something I had to learn by experience, to be able to see what is good for me, what I want, what I don’t want. Some people are lucky in that they never have to go through that learning curve. I did. But now I do see things differently and see what I need to change. It was easy to get caught up in the romance and endorphins and push things aside, avoid reality, it’s easy to do that in a LDR. I will never, ever, ever do that again. Had to learn the hard way. It’s ok. I still have time. And I want to do things differently now.

 

 

I am also looking at the drinks cabinet here...just as Lana was in an earlier post..*sigh*

 

But look at the above, you're not changing anything - you two are still in touch and pretty much in contact as normal.

You're not learning Venus, you're doing the same thing as always.

 

Change it.

Stop contact for one thing for goodness sake!! If you want to settle down you are totally wasting more time by clinging on to this. It won't stop by the end of the week unless you stop it. It'll go on for another 6 months!

 

You have to understand your OWN responsibility in your life and your relationships for once! Now is THE time to start.

[Weezy1973]

One thing I'll mention Venus, is that I think you indulge your feelings too much.

 

One lesson you might want to take from all this is that your feelings don't actually mean much. There are multiple posts in this thread where you say "I felt 'blank' and so that must mean 'blank'!" I felt attracted to someone else, so that must mean I don't want to be with my partner anymore. I didn't feel like moving to NOLA so that must mean something is wrong in the relationships.

 

I feel intense butterflies and chemistry with some man, so that must mean this is a relationship that is going to work. Or it means he feels the same way for me.

 

And so on...and so on...

 

Our feelings don't mean much. They just come and go and often they're not useful at all. Think of food cravings. Just because you crave junk food (feeling!) doesn't mean you should eat junk food.

 

The key is to know your core values, and act (actions are very important, feelings aren't) according to those values - whether you feel like it or not! Some people don't really like figuring out their core values because they'd prefer to just live according to how they feel at any given time, and then they spin their wheels endlessly...

 

So figure out your core values. What kind of partner do you want to be? What kind of parent? What are your values when it comes to health and fitness? What about work? What type of employee (or employer!) do you want to be?

 

And then act based on those values.

 

Sooo..when you know something is wrong (like staying in contact with NOLA guy)...then stop staying in contact with him! Instead of staying in contact with him because you FEEL lonely! See how that works?

Edited December 30, 2016 by Weezy1973

[NuevoYorko]

 

I agree with you, I have done this. Maybe it’s just something I had to learn by experience, to be able to see what is good for me, what I want, what I don’t want. Some people are lucky in that they never have to go through that learning curve. I did. But now I do see things differently and see what I need to change. It was easy to get caught up in the romance and endorphins and push things aside, avoid reality

You haven't learned how to do anything differently than what you've done all your life. It's going to take focussed work.

 

Just a couple of weeks ago you were melting because some random told you he, too, wants to get married and have the babies next week, and how he doesn't believe in living together before marriage. Most, if not all the people on your thread were like "oh geez" and eye rolling; any guy who meets a woman and says that ... has problems, and IS a problem (he's single for a reason). Clearly he was feeding you exactly what you were craving. You, though, were gaga. And the other guy, the one who described in detail about the date he wanted to take you on if only you were single ... :rolleyes: These things are BS and not worth repeating much less taking to heart in any way.

 

Guys telling you you're desirable is like crack to you. If you read this thread and another one you have, you will see repeated phrases like "he never took his eyes off me." In bars. Men staring at at women in bars needs to not be a thing, if what you want is marriage and a family, even though it feels nice.

 

It puts you in a difficult corner, because I definitely feel you about not being interested in dating anybody when there is no chemistry. You need to be able to develop chemistry without grasping for flattery about how you look and your sexual desirability. It is going to take focus and conscious WORK to change this. You can definitely do it but not if you deny it's an issue.

 

Also, seconding Weezy's comments about self indulgence where feelings are concerned. Feelings aren't facts. It's wise to learn to observe ones feelings without acting upon them in ANY way for a fixed period of time.

Edited December 30, 2016 by NuevoYorko

[introverted1]

Guys telling you you're desirable is like crack to you. If you read this thread and another one you have, you will see repeated phrases like "he never took his eyes off me." In bars. Men staring at at women in bars needs to not be a thing, if what you want is marriage and a family, even though it feels nice.

 

I want to address this.

 

I think you put too much stock in this type of talk. To be clear: I am not saying you are not attractive. I am saying that, to a large extent, it is irrelevant. Guys know that a surefire way to amp up attraction is to create the feeling that you are the only woman in the room, that they can't keep their eyes (and maybe hands) off you. bla bla bla. Being desired makes us feel desirable, which feels good! It's easy to start craving that high, and also to buy into the (false) notion that some fairy tale love-at-first-sight thing is happening. If you talk to men, you will learn that they can find many, many, women beautiful. It's not nearly as elusive as you might think.

 

Anyway.... when a guy tells you that you are beautiful or hot or whatever, instead of thinking "oh, this must be special because look at how into me he is," take a step back and assess him. Not for how he's making you feel, but for who he is. Try to figure out exactly what about him appeals to you, other than how good he is making you feel by complimenting you. Pretend you are evaluating him for a friend. What characteristics would you use to describe him? What makes you think he'd be a good date/partner?

 

And yes, quit talking to NOLA guy. Take this time to work on you. You can't do that while you are still spinning.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know people who felt great chemistry with reliable men. Decent men who are marriage martial don't always have to go hand in hand with low or mediocre chemistry.

 

I felt a lot of chemistry with my stable, virgin ex-fiancé.

 

My husband and I have a great mix of chemistry and friendship.

 

But I think he feels more friendship than chemistry with me, sadly.

[lana-banana]

I know it’s not healthy. We still have feelings for each other and it’s hard to cut things loose. I think we both feel that we could do things differently, if only we lived in the same city, etc. We are “broken up” but we still have the ties. I know it’s not right.

 

I am rapidly running out of sympathy and patience. Venus, you guys are broken up, no quotation marks about it. Your relationship would not have lasted if you lived in the same city. Your lifestyle incompatibilities would have been obvious much sooner, and one or both of you would have cut the cord.

 

You didn't break up because of the distance. You broke up because neither of you were willing to close the distance. Your relationship was ultimately not strong enough to make that jump. He was not willing to make you a priority, not even when he came to visit. And good on you for recognizing that.

 

Do you realize this continued contact is significantly easier for him than it is for you? You want an everyday, real-life relationship. Meanwhile he is satisfied with conversations, phone sex and only occasional meetings. He is a self-sufficient man who enjoys his bachelor's life and the company of his children. Just chatting meets a fair portion of his needs while none of yours are being met at all. You are both sabotaging your ability to heal and your development of healthy relationship behaviors.

 

It’s ok. I still have time. And I want to do things differently now.

 

Then stop contacting him. Explain you think it's best for you both (and you know it is) to take a break from each other. What are your plans for tomorrow? Make it a priority to go somewhere and do something, because otherwise you're going to spend New Year's Eve at home alone texting your ex-boyfriend and that is the worst possible way to begin a new year. You deserve a fresh start. Make one.

[venusishername]

NOLA guy wasn't necessarily a bad boy but he was in the sense that he remained just out of reach. The wrong guys will position and keep themselves that way.

I never thought of it that way but I completely see what you mean. I've been reflecting on that (the out of reach part) and second guessing my decision....in that he *says* he was planning to come out here *in six months*... when I was confronting him about the plans... he always got frustrated and upset, like he was tired of telling me the same thing over and over. But he never gave me any concrete plans. I thought... if he was serious about the move, and instead of letting the relationship go, he would tell me "wait, I am scheduling a job interview at xyz, I'm planning to leave on April 1, I am going to stay at xyz, etc. He never did that.

One thing I'll mention Venus, is that I think you indulge your feelings too much.

 

One lesson you might want to take from all this is that your feelings don't actually mean much. There are multiple posts in this thread where you say "I felt 'blank' and so that must mean 'blank'!" I felt attracted to someone else, so that must mean I don't want to be with my partner anymore. I didn't feel like moving to NOLA so that must mean something is wrong in the relationships.

 

I feel intense butterflies and chemistry with some man, so that must mean this is a relationship that is going to work. Or it means he feels the same way for me.

 

And so on...and so on...

 

Our feelings don't mean much. They just come and go and often they're not useful at all. Think of food cravings. Just because you crave junk food (feeling!) doesn't mean you should eat junk food.

 

The key is to know your core values, and act (actions are very important, feelings aren't) according to those values - whether you feel like it or not! Some people don't really like figuring out their core values because they'd prefer to just live according to how they feel at any given time, and then they spin their wheels endlessly...

 

So figure out your core values. What kind of partner do you want to be? What kind of parent? What are your values when it comes to health and fitness? What about work? What type of employee (or employer!) do you want to be?

 

And then act based on those values.

 

Sooo..when you know something is wrong (like staying in contact with NOLA guy)...then stop staying in contact with him! Instead of staying in contact with him because you FEEL lonely! See how that works?

Yes, I see what you mean. It doesn't show much maturity to indulge your feelings so much, does it? As far as the part about "I'm attracted to someone else so then it must mean I'm not happy in the relationship"... is different than the way I was/have been feeling, which is not specifically attracted to any particular person, but that I want to be available to date men who live here and who are available and are likely a much better fit for me. The fact that I was noticing other men and thinking I'd like to be available WAS in fact a cue to me that I wasn't happy in the relationship. Otherwise, I agree with what you said. Thank you.

 

I am rapidly running out of sympathy and patience. Venus, you guys are broken up, no quotation marks about it. Your relationship would not have lasted if you lived in the same city. Your lifestyle incompatibilities would have been obvious much sooner, and one or both of you would have cut the cord.

 

You didn't break up because of the distance. You broke up because neither of you were willing to close the distance. Your relationship was ultimately not strong enough to make that jump. He was not willing to make you a priority, not even when he came to visit. And good on you for recognizing that.

 

Do you realize this continued contact is significantly easier for him than it is for you? You want an everyday, real-life relationship. Meanwhile he is satisfied with conversations, phone sex and only occasional meetings. He is a self-sufficient man who enjoys his bachelor's life and the company of his children. Just chatting meets a fair portion of his needs while none of yours are being met at all. You are both sabotaging your ability to heal and your development of healthy relationship behaviors.

 

 

Then stop contacting him. Explain you think it's best for you both (and you know it is) to take a break from each other. What are your plans for tomorrow? Make it a priority to go somewhere and do something, because otherwise you're going to spend New Year's Eve at home alone texting your ex-boyfriend and that is the worst possible way to begin a new year. You deserve a fresh start. Make one.

Hi Lana. Well, the good news is I had friends in town all week and I was not alone on NYE and I had a great time with them. I went out with a single girlfriend for dinner on NYE and spent the rest of it with best of friends. I was very lonely to think that I COULD have had a *relationship* with him still, but in the end I would have been alone on NYE, he would be doing his own thing, I would be lonely anyway. He did call on NYE day, and sent a couple texts during the day. I didn't answer the call but I did text back and thanked him for the message. That was the last contact we had. I didn't hear from him anymore that night, New Years Day, today, on FB, etc. So this past weekend was very tough, but I'm so grateful I spent such quality time with my closest friends. I am very lucky. I was lonely, and felt terrible

 

 

I did mail him a thank you note for the Christmas gift he gave me when we met last weekend. There are times that I want to reach out, but I haven't. I see that he's trying to move on, or already is. It seems lately that he is and has been over it. The last time we had a phone conversation was on Thursday last week and we were hashing it out, he just seems tired of talking about it. He doesn't seem willing or interested in fixing it. I said something last week about how I wished there was something I could do to fix this situation and make it better. He never said anything like that.

I guess he has also realized that his feelings for me have changed.... and I could tell he was angry although he denied it. I know I hurt him and that has killed me but I know I couldn't continue like this any longer.

 

 

I met someone while out (yes at a bar) who seems to be nice guy. I know, meeting at a bar is not ideal. BUT I don't go out to bars like I used to when I was younger, and it IS a place where single people go to meet other singles. He was with friends and said it was rare that he would be out on a weeknight but had friends to entertain. I was in the same situation. He just seemed very shy and kind of nervous to talk to me, I was out with friends and we played pool and he asked for my number and said he'd really like to see me again. He lives down the street. We even talked a little about past relationships.. trying to get to know each other... he's single and available. I told him I was coming out of a LDR. And I broke it off because I need someone who lives here and available and I need something 100%. He said of course he can see why I would say that and he feels the same. The next day he texted and asked how my day was going and that he would really like to see me again. We both had friends in town so we were booked up for plans. But he has consistently kept in touch over the weekend and asked if I would like to get a drink in the next few days. I really hope it follows through. I have been asked for my number many times over the years but many times it doesn't follow through. I am hoping, and I can see by his consistency in communication (so far) that he means to see me again. From our conversation I gathered he is a stable, responsible guy and he lives in my same city. That is a good start, and I'm looking forward to going on that date with him. No rush, I think it is good to focus on other prospects, and I am determined to find that 'good guy'.

I know what it is supposed to look like. Someone who pursues you, who is consistent and available and doesn't keep you guessing or waiting. It seemed like NOLA man was always on his own time and terms with me. He DID do a lot, as far as consistent contact and spending money on plane tickets and came out to see me, made vacations planned for us.

 

But I realized I need and want the everyday boring, stable stuff. I told him that the best time I ever had with him wasn't the vacations or parties or family time and running around and playing tourists. It was going to the grocery store in Louisiana with a shopping list and cooking dinner for him at home. I just want the simple stuff. And someone to go with me to weddings, and holiday parties, and to be with on NYE, and to go on dates.

 

 

I have realized lately that being in a LDR has been extremely dysfunctional for me and not healthy. I used to get all anxious and insecure before we would reconnect in person, every time, then be depressed for a week after. Then the limbo of not knowing when we would see each other again, was even worse. I can see that he's been satisfied with 'no pressure' and a part time relationship. I do think he would want something more, IF it was in his city and IF it was on his terms. He's not a bad guy by any means. BUT he told me, and has mentioned in the past (during our relationship) that he doesn't feel he has TIME for a relationship anyway. He's tied up in his work, kids, friends, whatever... he just isn't able to fully commit and I see that. I'm not asking for 100% of his attention all the time, of course. But I don't want to be with someone who says that anyway. I also don't want to be with someone who has trouble making plans. And he does.

 

 

My very close friend that was just here said something about how if there are so many obstacles and things feel resistant, or if it isn't a natural, organic relationship and 'easy', then it's not right. Many of you here had said the same thing. I see that now.

I think back to my ex, although he treated me badly and wasn't good for me, the times that we were together and happy was very easy. We had no trouble making decisions together or planning things, it was all a natural flow and no resistance. We shared a phone plan, we bought a car together, we house hunted, we signed leases and had a pet together, we created budgets, etc. All those things are what makes up a relationship... and with him it was easy. With this one, it was not. Not at all. Perhaps because the distance, maybe personalities.

 

 

Lana, you say, and others have guessed, that if we lived it the same city it would not have lasted this long. Maybe you're right, but we'll never know. I think the lifestyles and places in our lives ARE different. Probably too different. Although it's good to have some differences, I think the every day stuff and maybe our backgrounds would have caused it not to work out, I just don't know though.

 

 

BUT I can see that I do for certain need someone very stable, responsible, secure, takes initiative, and who is in my age group, who lives here and is fully available. I see that he was not a good fit in that way. He complained all the time about needing to be more financially secure. He never specified what exactly he meant, because I see that he makes decent money at his current job and is a hard worker. But I don't want to be with a guy who is in his 40s who says that. He appeared to not have his sh&* together. He got by and did fine. But I need someone who has their sh&* together and would be a good provider of consistency and stability. I suppose in my heart of hearts I always doubted that in him.

 

 

I see my friends with men who are the kind of men I want to marry. They are hands on fathers and they desire a stable life with the woman they love. They put down roots, they make plans for the future. They don't live day by day. They think ahead. I need a man like that, and for that reason, I feel confident in my decision to break up.

 

 

Even though I hurt him, and I'm lonely and sad, and I wish it was different.... he's not the kind of man I need. I always knew that in my heart. That's why the angst, that's why the resistance. That's why I didn't move to LA..

 

 

I can see how I could have been a better partner. I could have been more compromising and not have tried to bend him to my will in some ways. BUT I don't feel I was too demanding or impatient. He called me "high maintenance" last time we talked. Yes, I can be a lot to handle, but no other man I've been with has ever said that to me. I also don't think I'm a good fit for what he's looking for either. I guess he needs someone more like him, and I need someone more like me. I could write more but need to sign off.

[Leigh 87]

Happy new year Venus.

 

I have been going through a break up too, and it really is terrible. Especially when you started off with the special spark that you don't often find in the majority of relationships.

 

I too, am finding it hard to cut ties and I even still feel like we are together. How bizarre, right?

 

I am flying to the US and Canada soon soon (ironically a gift from my ex and mum as a gift for getting half way through my degree).

 

Overseas travel is obviously a magnificent distraction. What will yours be? I am not too social so don't have the yoga or regular weekly outings with mates that you do. My goal is to become better friends to my acquaintances and meet new people and get FIT.

 

I wonder what things you could possibly do to aid your recovery? Seeing as you seemingly already have a very full life.

 

I would suggest getting into dating again but sometimes that can backfire if it's too soon...it can make you feel annoyed at potential dates when their chemistry doesn't match up to that of which you and your ex shared.

 

I am not ready to date again but it sounds like you are ready for some serious flirting and potential dates.

 

Have fun, whatever it is you do.

 

I'm sad too and so are lots of recently singlee like us. Most of us will find love again, it is just unfortunate that you wish to be a parent so much given your age and high bar of chemistry you once shared with your exes.

 

Take care.

[Els]

I met someone while out (yes at a bar) who seems to be nice guy. I know, meeting at a bar is not ideal. BUT I don't go out to bars like I used to when I was younger, and it IS a place where single people go to meet other singles. He was with friends and said it was rare that he would be out on a weeknight but had friends to entertain. I was in the same situation. He just seemed very shy and kind of nervous to talk to me, I was out with friends and we played pool and he asked for my number and said he'd really like to see me again. He lives down the street. We even talked a little about past relationships.. trying to get to know each other... he's single and available. I told him I was coming out of a LDR. And I broke it off because I need someone who lives here and available and I need something 100%. He said of course he can see why I would say that and he feels the same. The next day he texted and asked how my day was going and that he would really like to see me again. We both had friends in town so we were booked up for plans. But he has consistently kept in touch over the weekend and asked if I would like to get a drink in the next few days. I really hope it follows through. I have been asked for my number many times over the years but many times it doesn't follow through. I am hoping, and I can see by his consistency in communication (so far) that he means to see me again. From our conversation I gathered he is a stable, responsible guy and he lives in my same city. That is a good start, and I'm looking forward to going on that date with him. No rush, I think it is good to focus on other prospects, and I am determined to find that 'good guy'.

 

 

Venus...

 

I get the time issue (considering your strong desire for biological kids), but do you REALLY think it's a good idea to start putting out feelers to other men right now, right away???

 

I think it might do you some good (and paradoxically get you closer to your 'goal') to actually be single for a while. And I mean single single, not 'considering other guys but just not committed yet' single.

[Leigh 87]

Venus...

 

I get the time issue (considering your strong desire for biological kids), but do you REALLY think it's a good idea to start putting out feelers to other men right now, right away???

 

I think it might do you some good (and paradoxically get you closer to your 'goal') to actually be single for a while. And I mean single single, not 'considering other guys but just not committed yet' single.

 

 

The only decent time to meet men for me personally, is when I am simply not looking. The big love relationships of my life happened this way; literally bumping into each other on the streets.

 

I have never had anything that magical occur when I've looked.

 

Nor have I ever seen couples who are truly head over heels, who met via forced means while they activity looked. Most people who look tend to want such things as marriage and babies more than they want the relationship.

Edited January 3, 2017 by Leigh 87

[No_Go]

Venus and Leigh,

 

Considering I went recently through similar heart break, I understand you very well. It doesn't feel real initially (in my case was feeling unreal for good 2-3 months... I couldn't even say 'break up', I was saying to him 'our argument).

 

Then there is the overanalyzing and either demonizing or on the other end of the spectrum - romanticising the ex.

 

I think these emotions are normal as long as they don't take over our lives. Personal growth and managing the emotions I think are the priorities for the months after the break up.

 

I personally do not plan to date until I've processed completely the break up, mainly to avoid rebounding and 'playing' someone unintentionally. But time for new men will come and I think each relationship is giving better chance for the next one to succeed.

[introverted1]

 

I met someone while out (yes at a bar) who seems to be nice guy. I know, meeting at a bar is not ideal. BUT I don't go out to bars like I used to when I was younger, and it IS a place where single people go to meet other singles. He was with friends and said it was rare that he would be out on a weeknight but had friends to entertain. I was in the same situation. He just seemed very shy and kind of nervous to talk to me, I was out with friends and we played pool and he asked for my number and said he'd really like to see me again. He lives down the street. We even talked a little about past relationships.. trying to get to know each other... he's single and available. I told him I was coming out of a LDR. And I broke it off because I need someone who lives here and available and I need something 100%. He said of course he can see why I would say that and he feels the same. The next day he texted and asked how my day was going and that he would really like to see me again. We both had friends in town so we were booked up for plans. But he has consistently kept in touch over the weekend and asked if I would like to get a drink in the next few days. I really hope it follows through. I have been asked for my number many times over the years but many times it doesn't follow through. I am hoping, and I can see by his consistency in communication (so far) that he means to see me again. From our conversation I gathered he is a stable, responsible guy and he lives in my same city. That is a good start, and I'm looking forward to going on that date with him. No rush, I think it is good to focus on other prospects, and I am determined to find that 'good guy'.

I know what it is supposed to look like. Someone who pursues you, who is consistent and available and doesn't keep you guessing or waiting. It seemed like NOLA man was always on his own time and terms with me. He DID do a lot, as far as consistent contact and spending money on plane tickets and came out to see me, made vacations planned for us.

 

 

Venus! Please - take the time to reflect on your patterns and how you can change them so that you can have a happy, healthy relationship. What you wrote in bold above demonstrates that nothing has changed - you are already projecting your desires onto a complete stranger you met in a bar! Not to mention that you cannot have finished the work of truly understanding how you contributed to your last relationship. This doesn't happen in a week or two.

 

Sigh.

[Redhead14]

Venus, you're doing "it" again . . . be careful here. You've been on these boards enough, I think, to know that it's not a good idea to date "seriously", at least, for some time after you end a relationship. Don't set yourself up or a new person to experience "rebound" syndrome . . . step back a little here.

 

It's very easy to start dating new people and be excited but 99% of time, it's because it's a distraction from the pain and confusion of the previous scenario and boosting the ego that has been hurt. Manage your emotions and expectations and don't project out. Take baby steps and balance emotions and logic.

[venusishername]

I personally do not plan to date until I've processed completely the break up, mainly to avoid rebounding and 'playing' someone unintentionally. But time for new men will come and I think each relationship is giving better chance for the next one to succeed.

This is a good idea. Considering I’m angry, depressed, still feeling regret and even doubt… I couldn’t possibly be fully available to another relationship. I’m so resigned, so disappointed, and seriously, I want to just curl up and die. I feel like I’m not good enough and I’m not worthy or deserving of a happy, committed, serious relationship. I feel like I’m not good enough and that I’m not ever going to find what I am looking for. I feel like giving up. I know that I made mistakes in this past relationship. I feel that the number one I did wrong was engage in a LDR at all. That wasn’t conducive to my goals and needs, and desires. I had hope that it COULD lead into something but as time went on, I saw it wasn’t going to, and didn’t. I also think that I did project my desires onto him and didn’t listen or believe I could change him when he said things about a two year engagement, or insisting to live together before making any kind of commitment, and that he was “open” to marriage and a child in the future but really wasn’t any priority or strong desire.

But lately, I feel like I am not partner, wife material and I need to just let go of the dream. I know I’ve spent time with the “Bad boys” and need to focus on different things, different values, etc. I see that. I really do. Truly. I also know that I won’t tolerate certain things anymore nor will I put myself in situations like I used to.

With this past relationship, honestly, I had hopes that it would and could work out.

My biggest thing is that we spent over a year invested in this, planning for the future (or talking about it) and he talked about marriage and I know he loves/loved me… so how can he just walk away like, “oh well, I respect your decision and I’m not willing to do anything about it”…..?!?!

That hurts the most. How is this even possible??!!~? I’m so angry about it and how he’s completely let it go without a fight. After all that, how could he not??!

Venus! Please - take the time to reflect on your patterns and how you can change them so that you can have a happy, healthy relationship. What you wrote in bold above demonstrates that nothing has changed - you are already projecting your desires onto a complete stranger you met in a bar! Not to mention that you cannot have finished the work of truly understanding how you contributed to your last relationship. This doesn't happen in a week or two. Sigh.

Introverted… I’m not sure it can be fixed. I feel like a failure. I can see where I was projecting my desires onto my last relationship….not listening to my ex and hoping I could convince him or he would change his mind. Still, I had hope. I think even if I never projected anything, (obviously), it STILL wouldn’t have worked out, just due to our personality and lifestyle differences, and age difference, etc.

As far as the guy I met in a bar last week. I wasn’t projecting. I said he has contacted me consistently since we met. I’m just looking forward to moving on and that’s all I was trying to say. It was just a comment. I didn’t say “he must really be interested”, I mean, many guys have asked for my number and they don’t follow through. This one asked for my number and has been following through. How is this projecting? I was making a statement. Can you explain how this is a fallback?

Venus, you're doing "it" again . . . be careful here. You've been on these boards enough, I think, to know that it's not a good idea to date "seriously", at least, for some time after you end a relationship. Don't set yourself up or a new person to experience "rebound" syndrome . . . step back a little here.

 

It's very easy to start dating new people and be excited but 99% of time, it's because it's a distraction from the pain and confusion of the previous scenario and boosting the ego that has been hurt. Manage your emotions and expectations and don't project out. Take baby steps and balance emotions and logic.

Of course I’m not ready to date seriously right now. But I’m not going to turn down a date if I meet someone and there’s mutual interest. I think it’s ok to just get to know someone and take it slow. I just want to get back out there and be open and move on. I want to focus on finding someone close to my age, with the same goals and lifestyle choices. I want someone who makes plans and thinks in long term, and who dates with the intention of starting a life with someone. And someone who is stable, responsible and who can provide financial security and stability. Those things didn’t used to be as important to me, obviously.. look at the men I chose. Now that I’m REALLY READY.. those things are much more attractive than charming personality and high emotions and unavailability.

I just can’t help but feel like I’m not good enough, not a good girlfriend/wife material, otherwise I would have had success. Added to my choices in long term relationships and engaging in meaningless casual relationships over the years. I can’t help but feel like even if I met the “right” guy, I wouldn’t deserve it anyway. Obviously feeling sorry for myself.

All I can say is that I’m really happy that I ended the dysfunction of the long distance relationship. I didn’t realize how unhealthy it was for me, to go through that and be in that situation. Despite my feelings for him, I can see now how it wasn’t good for me.

[lana-banana]

BUT he told me, and has mentioned in the past (during our relationship) that he doesn't feel he has TIME for a relationship anyway. He's tied up in his work, kids, friends, whatever... he just isn't able to fully commit and I see that.

 

I just. What? Really? Venus, the man told you WHILE YOU WERE DATING that he didn't think he had time for a relationship, and you still didn't listen? And you never mentioned this to us? I'm hovering somewhere between completely shocked and not at all shocked.

 

My biggest thing is that we spent over a year invested in this, planning for the future (or talking about it) and he talked about marriage and I know he loves/loved me… so how can he just walk away like, “oh well, I respect your decision and I’m not willing to do anything about it”…..?!?!

That hurts the most. How is this even possible??!!~? I’m so angry about it and how he’s completely let it go without a fight. After all that, how could he not??!

 

Because at the end of the day he was more interested in his lifestyle and the talk about marriage was just that: talk.

 

Now that I’m REALLY READY..

 

This set off all my alarms. Venus, you've used this phrase at the end of every failed relationship and the beginning of every new one for years now. Even your epic thread about B is called "Finally ready"! You seem to be implying that all the previous breakups and fakeouts and awkward pseudo-relationships were somehow a function of not being "ready", even though you've been ready for happily ever after and a picket fence since at least 2013. Can you accept your previous relationships ended for a variety of reasons, including sometimes your own suitability and possibly actions, rather than just not being "ready"?

[venusishername]

I just. What? Really? Venus, the man told you WHILE YOU WERE DATING that he didn't think he had time for a relationship, and you still didn't listen? And you never mentioned this to us? I'm hovering somewhere between completely shocked and not at all shocked.

It wasn’t until fairly recently that came up, Lana. Like within a couple months. I did listen because all those things accumulated and brought me to the decision I made. I think the words were, “I never had time for a relationship”, or “I’m so busy with xyz, sometimes I don’t have time for a relationship anyway”.

Yeah, that set off the alarm bells at the time. It was the beginning of the end. I didn’t mention it, I felt there was already too many other things stacked against the relationship succeeding, why mention another one?! I was taking everything in.

Because at the end of the day he was more interested in his lifestyle and the talk about marriage was just that: talk.

Well, no one has ever “talked” about marriage (and for awhile I *thought* yes, this could happen, finally, why wouldn’t it?) as much as he did. I can see now that his lifestyle is his priority and he doesn’t have much space for anything else, in particular dealing with the pressures of a serious relationship. I think he lived in a dream world or something and preferred everything to be easy and on his terms, and no stress. Once it became real or serious, or I started putting demands and expectations to close the distance, he felt I was too much work or something. The other day last week (last time we had a phone conversation), he called me “high maintenance”. Now, I know many of you will agree I can be difficult, but no man has ever referred to me as high maintenance before. I feel he isn’t willing or able to deal with the regular stresses of every day life. I think he gets too overwhelmed or something and just backs out and doesn’t want to “deal” with it.

He said some things in our last conversation (before New Year’s) that made me think, “WTF?”

 

This set off all my alarms. Venus, you've used this phrase at the end of every failed relationship and the beginning of every new one for years now. Even your epic thread about B is called "Finally ready"! You seem to be implying that all the previous breakups and fakeouts and awkward pseudo-relationships were somehow a function of not being "ready", even though you've been ready for happily ever after and a picket fence since at least 2013. Can you accept your previous relationships ended for a variety of reasons, including sometimes your own suitability and possibly actions, rather than just not being "ready"?

Well, let’s put it this way. I’m READY TO BE READY, again. I just have to start over, again. I was ready then, I’m just a hell of a lot more ready now and am not going to act the way I have in the past or be obsessive (like the thread with B), or pursue or give my attention men who are unavailable, in distance or otherwise. I’m not implying that those other relationships were a function of not being ready. I HAVE been ready since 2013. And yes, I do accept my actions and my mistakes. I really do. I think this last one really made me see. I hope so. I really do. I am very angry with myself for engaging in a LDR and expecting a serious result and a normal relationship out of it. I wanted to have hope. At least I know I can fall in love and find intimacy again. I didn’t have that for a couple years after my last long term relationship.

[Mkn1010]

This is a good idea. Considering I’m angry, depressed, still feeling regret and even doubt… I couldn’t possibly be fully available to another relationship. I’m so resigned, so disappointed, and seriously, I want to just curl up and die. I feel like I’m not good enough and I’m not worthy or deserving of a happy, committed, serious relationship. I feel like I’m not good enough and that I’m not ever going to find what I am looking for.

 

 

I am SO confused how you can say the above and then say you're now "REALLY READY"... in the same post!!! Gosh, all I'm going t say is poor guy if you date this new dude! All that self-pity talk above shows that you have very low self esteem at the moment, but supposedly that makes you ready for marriage and to find that 'good guy'. We are only as good as we believe ourselves to be, so currently you are not good enough for that 'good guy' given your above statements about your self.

 

 

You keep ignoring everyone's suggestions to go do some self healing before jumping into dating. Very needy/desperado behavior!

 

 

You then said "I can see where I was projecting my desires onto my last relationship….not listening to my ex and hoping I could convince him or he would change his mind." BUT then have asked a poster to explain how you're now projecting onto the new guy! So yeah, no insight has been achieved in mere weeks of you being single.

[venusishername]

I am SO confused how you can say the above and then say you're now "REALLY READY"... in the same post!!! Gosh, all I'm going t say is poor guy if you date this new dude! All that self-pity talk above shows that you have very low self esteem at the moment, but supposedly that makes you ready for marriage and to find that 'good guy'. We are only as good as we believe ourselves to be, so currently you are not good enough for that 'good guy' given your above statements about your self.

 

 

You keep ignoring everyone's suggestions to go do some self healing before jumping into dating. Very needy/desperado behavior!

 

 

You then said "I can see where I was projecting my desires onto my last relationship….not listening to my ex and hoping I could convince him or he would change his mind." BUT then have asked a poster to explain how you're now projecting onto the new guy! So yeah, no insight has been achieved in mere weeks of you being single.

Oh yeah, I'm wallowing in the self-pity. I don't feel worthy of a happy, successful relationship right now.

 

Ok. I want to know, please tell me, because this is what many of you pointed out I have been consistently doing wrong. Maybe I'm a lost cause but I am not seeing specifically what I said that indicated I was once again, projecting.

HOW did I project my desires onto a guy that I met at a bar who asked for my number and who has been contacting me since to set up a date?

I said, *and introverted highlighted: " I can see by his consistency in communication (so far) that he means to see me again. From our conversation I gathered he is a stable, responsible guy"

 

Um, well... how is this projection? Isn't it just facts? He contacted me after we met several times and asked me to meet again and said he looks forward to seeing me. I would *gather* that means he is interested in seeing me again, exactly like he says. Is that projection? Isn't that kind of.... common sense?

Also, my comment about *stable and responsible* is based on what he told me his background is and career and things of that nature.

 

Is it wrong to assume someone is interested (or wants to marry you) if they TELL YOU and ACT AS IF they are interested (and are thinking about marriage, etc.)??

A person who wasn't thinking about marriage and long term future plans would not talk marriage and the future out of his arse. I just have a really hard time believing that. It doesn't make sense. It had to come from some kind of desire. When you say I'm projecting it makes me feel like I'm crazy and making things up to fit into my "narrative". Please explain. I feel like I'm incapable of understanding or I'm just so messed up I still don't see it.

 

A person who didn't find another person attractive and want to get to know that person more on a date would not ask for their number and follow through and keep a connection and try to pin down a date. So is it projecting that I say he "means to see me again" because he did (and said) those things? What am I missing? If a person says, "I want to see you again", why wouldn't I take that at face value?? Huh? So when my ex mentioned a two year engagement, after living together first, I was supposed to take that at face value. But when someone says, "I would like to see you again", I'm NOT supposed to take that at face value. I'm lost.

 

If my ex boyfriend said "I think we should live together before we get married"- I think, "he wants to live together and he's intending to marry me". Is that projection?

I feel like I'm hopeless and I'm not in any position to be in a healthy, normal, successful relationship. I feel like I really f'ed everything up and I created this situation and I'm never going to be better.

 

I feel like I'm not capable of achieving my goals. Although I've been "Ready" for years, it's obvious I'm f'ed up and not in a good place to be really "ready" in literal terms. I spent over a year in a LDR. How f'ed up is that? I didn't see it until now. How dysfunctional.

I want to trust what people say and their intentions. I trusted my ex's intentions in that he was consistent in his contact, talked about the future, included me in his family, talked about marriage, asked me to move in, etc. To me, that showed he was a serious prospect, and considered me the same. Over time, the little things (like the thing he said about not having time for a relationship), all added up and caused the demise of the situation.

Now, after a week, he's dropped off in contact, and is basically just saying "ok, I respect your decision. I want the best for you, I'm trying to move on."

I mean, I'm totally f*(king flabbergasted. How dare he? After all this? What was the point in over a year of committing to a LDR if that was his reaction? All i said (at first) was "I can't date you anymore unless we live in the same city". Then his attitude is "you're high maintenance" and "I wish you the best". WOW. it's for the best, I know that. But how can I possibly believe anyone in the future, after all this?

 

I feel like resigning. I want to just commit to myself and give up on my dreams of family and security. I'm so F*(king lonely. I hate it. I just want to give up.

Edited January 4, 2017 by venusishername

[anna121]

 

The other day last week (last time we had a phone conversation), he called me “high maintenance”. Now, I know many of you will agree I can be difficult, but no man has ever referred to me as high maintenance before. I feel he isn’t willing or able to deal with the regular stresses of every day life. I think he gets too overwhelmed or something and just backs out and doesn’t want to “deal” with it.

He said some things in our last conversation (before New Year’s) that made me think, “WTF?”

 

 

 

Because you have mentioned this a couple of times, it is clearly weighing on you. I just wanted to point out that the fact that other men have not used that exact word doesn't really say one thing or another about whether you are . Being high-maintenance can mean alot of things, including that you have high standards and insist on them (which is great)...or that you have constantly shifting standards depending on your particular mood of that day (not so great).

 

Based on this thread, I think you are right to surmise that most of us would nod along with that descriptor (with exasperated affection, of course). Would we really be wrong?

[Mkn1010]

Oh mannnn.... it's projecting because you don't know the guy for a bar of soap and already you have deduced a whole storyline for who he supposedly is! You could be right and his communication with you (albeit very very early days) is a good sign BUT A TINY ONE AT THAT! It is NOTHING to hang your hat on at this point and you don't know him and haven't watched his actions across a PERIOD OF TIME to know whether his word is good or to know anything valid about him at all really. You already have expectations based on your own desires. It's totally clear from how you describe a person with whom you've been in the presence of ONCE! Not what I call 'common sense' but actually quite foolish!!

[Leigh 87]

Oh yeah, I'm wallowing in the self-pity. I don't feel worthy of a happy, successful relationship right now.

 

Ok. I want to know, please tell me, because this is what many of you pointed out I have been consistently doing wrong. Maybe I'm a lost cause but I am not seeing specifically what I said that indicated I was once again, projecting.

HOW did I project my desires onto a guy that I met at a bar who asked for my number and who has been contacting me since to set up a date?

I said, *and introverted highlighted: " I can see by his consistency in communication (so far) that he means to see me again. From our conversation I gathered he is a stable, responsible guy"

 

Um, well... how is this projection? Isn't it just facts? He contacted me after we met several times and asked me to meet again and said he looks forward to seeing me. I would *gather* that means he is interested in seeing me again, exactly like he says. Is that projection? Isn't that kind of.... common sense?

Also, my comment about *stable and responsible* is based on what he told me his background is and career and things of that nature.

 

Is it wrong to assume someone is interested (or wants to marry you) if they TELL YOU and ACT AS IF they are interested (and are thinking about marriage, etc.)??

A person who wasn't thinking about marriage and long term future plans would not talk marriage and the future out of his arse. I just have a really hard time believing that. It doesn't make sense. It had to come from some kind of desire. When you say I'm projecting it makes me feel like I'm crazy and making things up to fit into my "narrative". Please explain. I feel like I'm incapable of understanding or I'm just so messed up I still don't see it.

 

A person who didn't find another person attractive and want to get to know that person more on a date would not ask for their number and follow through and keep a connection and try to pin down a date. So is it projecting that I say he "means to see me again" because he did (and said) those things? What am I missing? If a person says, "I want to see you again", why wouldn't I take that at face value?? Huh? So when my ex mentioned a two year engagement, after living together first, I was supposed to take that at face value. But when someone says, "I would like to see you again", I'm NOT supposed to take that at face value. I'm lost.

 

If my ex boyfriend said "I think we should live together before we get married"- I think, "he wants to live together and he's intending to marry me". Is that projection?

I feel like I'm hopeless and I'm not in any position to be in a healthy, normal, successful relationship. I feel like I really f'ed everything up and I created this situation and I'm never going to be better.

 

I feel like I'm not capable of achieving my goals. Although I've been "Ready" for years, it's obvious I'm f'ed up and not in a good place to be really "ready" in literal terms. I spent over a year in a LDR. How f'ed up is that? I didn't see it until now. How dysfunctional.

I want to trust what people say and their intentions. I trusted my ex's intentions in that he was consistent in his contact, talked about the future, included me in his family, talked about marriage, asked me to move in, etc. To me, that showed he was a serious prospect, and considered me the same. Over time, the little things (like the thing he said about not having time for a relationship), all added up and caused the demise of the situation.

Now, after a week, he's dropped off in contact, and is basically just saying "ok, I respect your decision. I want the best for you, I'm trying to move on."

I mean, I'm totally f*(king flabbergasted. How dare he? After all this? What was the point in over a year of committing to a LDR if that was his reaction? All i said (at first) was "I can't date you anymore unless we live in the same city". Then his attitude is "you're high maintenance" and "I wish you the best". WOW. it's for the best, I know that. But how can I possibly believe anyone in the future, after all this?

 

I feel like resigning. I want to just commit to myself and give up on my dreams of family and security. I'm so F*(king lonely. I hate it. I just want to give up.

 

Oh sorry you feel like this:(

 

I feel the same. Except I am 30 and am finishing up a decent degree and am totally not at your stage in life.

 

All my friends are crazy in love with long term partners. Even the super unlucky in love one.

 

They are what I was not so long ago.

 

I have come to the realisation that I likely won't ever find the big love like some rare few find. So I am focusing on the things in life that I'll enjoy doing the most. All my visions revolve around myself, my degree coming to an end, working and saving for various dreams. I have cut out some great love from my vision because honestly it doesn't happen for everyone.

 

In your case, just remember that you can adopt, end up dating a man with young kids and make them your own.... you don't need to wait for your great love story in order to have a child of your own. Family is more than having to go the more normal, biological child nuclear family route.

Edited January 4, 2017 by Leigh 87

[NuevoYorko]

IMO theoretically there is nothing wrong with you doing some dating; sadly this doesn't seem like a thing you do. You tend to meet a guy - in a bar - & immediately imbue him with all kinds of qualities. If you get to the point where you can be like: "I met a guy and we're supposed to go out sometime" and then not say one more word, or have more than a passing thought about him - THEN you will be in a reasonable place for low pressure dating.

 

BTW I have no issue with meeting people in bars. Seems like you hang out in bars / clubs where men and women are scoping each other out a lot. It's unlikely that the plan of getting married and having a baby fast is a high priority for many of those people, even the nicest among them.

 

And ... since you mentioned it ... I am laughing a little to myself at your evident shock that your ex called you "high maintenance." My impression is that you would be a top tier high maintenance girlfriend. I almost feel that you cultivate it!