are we helping ourselves?

[goldy]

does anybody wonder if using forums really helps their situation?. it certainly helped me get out of my relationship with mm, but my departure was hasty and rather clumsy really! i am also having trouble getting over it and wondering whether the more i come in here, the more it makes me feel like a sad, used ow. it may well be a good thing, i am just not sure anymore. all i know is that i left without any dignity and i dont advise anyone else to do the same. are we just consolidating our self image as an ow? or are we getting needed support?

[ww]

Help yourself and god will help you

[kkat]

I think for me LS has been an invaluable asset in my process.

 

The reality is that I have moved from being in an every day/every night connection with seeing the MM to the process of moving on. It's taken me over a year and I am obviously not even close to being complete with this, but I have made progress -- at least I am not seeing him anymore, sleeping with him, thinking that I had a romantic future with him, and haven't been for a long time.

 

LS was a big help in that process. Even though I had friends, and when $$s permitted, a therapist to work with, and my own reading, prayers, etc. - LS was and continues to be one of my most helpful tools. I think for me that's because within this community I very rarely have felt judgement - almost everyone has been consistently caring and supportive and urged me to forgive myself and move on.

 

And that's the key - the "move on" part - I feel like while LS'ers have supported me with comfort and understanding, there has been ZERO enabling - no one has said, "hey Kkat, that's OK, just stay in an addictive relationship with a MM who has broken your heart too many times to count - sure, he loves you enough and one day he's gonna leave his wife and make it all worthwhile"....no one has enabled me or encouraged me to stay in a bad situation -- everyone has encouraged me to leave, and has given me the strength to inch towards that goal...bit by bit.

[BoatingBabe]

LS has helped me stay OUT of an affair involvement...6 months now, and I"m still strong in fighting it...I hope to outlast him.

[izzybelle]

hmmmm.... yes and no. there have been days, many of them, that this site has been invaluable. although the stories are sad, there is some strength to be gained from going through all of this with others who are experience similar dilemnas. to know i'm not along in the pain that existed at one point. it was also eye opening to see that although i thought my situ was sooooo different, and there are aspects that are, there are so many similarities. that was a painful realization, but a good one.

 

there have been days, weeks, when i could no longer read or post here. when i was at my most vulnerable and needed the support, there was a lot of bashing going on. since the post by midori, i think, about the "rules" it's calmed down. and there are still days when some of those posts end up here, and it still gets under my skin because i know how much they didn't help when i was at my worst. i know now that there are some that just don't get it, they haven't lived it and we can't expect them to understand. and i took a break for a while because i felt like so much of my energy was going into being on the defensive that it was becoming difficult to start to focus on the positive aspects of the life that i have ahead of me without MM in it. it was, in very many ways, becoming a detriment to healing. when you're vulnerable and someone's trying to convince you what a terrible awful person you are and how could you do that and what did you expect .... ohhhh that's just sooooo not helpful. it doesn't happen as much anymore, but it was getting very problematic.

 

at one point i toyed with the idea of posting under a different name in a section more about "breaking up" .... knowing that if i was to post the story there.... just got dumped by my guy, heart broken, hurting, not sure how to get up and face the next day .... the responses would be different than what we hear much of the time. and yes, adding that MM factor into it changes the picture. but what many don't get is that regardless of whether or not he's married, the hurt, the pain, the emotional mess is much the same as it would be if he was single.

 

having others there for encouragement and support is important.

[goldy]

thankyou everybody for the interesting comments

izzy what you say is so true, even with friends lately i feel i cant mention it because they are saying not so much what did you expect but that it was really just about the sex and i've got to expect that thats it, he has no feelings beyond that etc.

well i'm sure that is true and i should probably just accept that quickly but it feels as though i dont have a right to be upset because of what the situation was if you know what i mean, and i know my friends love me and care about me it is just that the understanding isnt there of how it is from the inside.

i do think that this process was what i needed, i felt that i could handle things better before coming in here, however that was probably denial and who knows, i may have continued the relationship for another 10 years or more. it is better to fully acknowledge the feelings and exorcise them once and for all no matter how painful.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Goldy, being an "OW" is not WHO you are, it is a situation you got into because of circumstances. I got myself into a situation (and thanks for posting some advice to my thread, btw), where I was an "OM". It doesn't mean that defines who I am as a person, or as a man, and I do plan on moving on, and if anything, hearing what people here have to say will probably help me to do that. I think it is nice that there is a place like this where people in similar really bad situations (or even different situations that have similar elements to them) can come together and give each other advice or encouragement. Hearing the perspective of others who have been there, or who have been in places that give them some insight into what me (and my MW) have been going through, has helped me to realize a few things, and acknowledge a few other things that I think somewhere deep down inside I already knew. Yes, some of those things may hurt, but it is still important to face up to the truth. I don't regret posting here, and I plan to stop back in periodically to offer whatever advice or experience I can to those who may be trying to figure out what to do in their own relationships.

[Sad Flower]

How funny I came across another post with the same topic as this one in the infidelity forum....I think LS doesn't let you move on...but LS is a bit addictive

[Mr Spock]

No, I have a hard time reading posts in the OW forum as well. For about a month I couldn't stomach it.

 

Time makes it feel better. Eventually, one is able to push all the junk into a corner of the brain that isn't used as much so it doesn't pound inside our heads, every, single, day.

[NotMeToo]

I don't know if this forum is helping or hurting..guess I will have to see what happens with my MM. He left his W, but after reading all the posts here I am very paranoid about him returning!

[lynnered]

sometimes it helps ,

to vent ,

sometimes it makes me sad ,

sometimes stuff pisses me off,

when the W &non OW come here starting ,

i try to stay away from those posts,

it helped me starting this NC that has lasted 2 months (except for on IM)lol,

which is the longest i haven't seen his face since I've been with XMM ,

now the point I'm at now, i don't feel understood as much so i haven't posted so much lately,it helps me alot not to contact him ,since reading other peoples situations ,kind of made me think really hard,

but it is helpful i guess?

[1Yoyo]

I agree, sometimes it helps, but when the bashing goes on, I stay away. I don't read as often as I used to, nor do I post too often. It is nice to see how others handle situations with their MM.

 

Yo