Is criticism just a part of life that you have to get used to?

[purplesoccer34]

i've been criticized heavily by one person. This happened a few months ago, but it's still bothering me, even though it shouldn't.

 

Seven years ago, I met a guy at a party who was significantly older than me. He messaged me on facebook, and I wouldn't respond most of the time, but he would say things like, "Are you ever going to write me back" and "Why are you taking so long to reply?" He said things like I'm extremely beautiful and that I'm every young man's dream. He would also call me an angel and just things like that that were really creepy. I was 16 at the time, and he was 32, so that just made it worse. I either ignored him or responded with one sentence.

 

Several years later, he messaged me again (I must have been 20), and he seemed a lot more normal. He would actually give me real good advice regarding my friendships, relationships, and would help me with schoolwork whenever I asked him. I didn't intend on becoming good friends with him, but I did talk to him quite a bit. Since he was so nice to me, and very encouraging, I told him a lot of things about my life.

 

As we continued talking though and starting around last year, he would say things like, "You have so many dealbreakers that no guy will ever like you" and "You're hot but that's all you have going for you" and "You're not ambitious at all" and "Your cousin is physically perfect unlike you." A few months ago, he was in a bad mood and completely lashed out at me. He said that I will go nowhere in life, that my parents are failures (he mentioned something about their jobs too and the amount of money they have and that they're spoiled brats), that they raised me to be a child and a spoiled brat, that my appearance is unsightly, that I will never have any real friends, that I'll be very unsuccessful in life, that I'm stupid and annoying...and a bunch of other terrible things that I can't remember. He told his cousin about me and apparently she thinks I'm mentally ill. He said that no one else knows my true personality the way he does, which is why it seems like so many people like me. He then went on to tell me that he can get any woman he wants, that women are always secretly giving him signals, that he is viewed as a celebrity wherever he goes, etc.

 

The ironic thing is that if all of these things were true, maybe it wouldn't bother me so much. I'm in grad school now and working full-time (so I don't understand where the unsuccessful part is coming from) and I'm dating a great guy now so he must be wrong about no guy ever liking me. And he dissed my parents which I think, is the worst part! Especially since he's never met them. That hurts me the most out of everything, because my parents are great and have done so much. I also have great friends. There are several people that I can call best friends who I know would help me whenever I need it, so I find it weird that he says I have no real friends. And oddly enough, he's the only guy who has ever said anything negative to me---I've always gotten along with everyone in my life and never been bullied before, so maybe this happened to teach me a lesson.

 

When he said all these things to me, I didn't say anything. Instead, I blocked him and told him to never contact me again. I regret not retaliating, because there's so much I could've said. He's almost 40 now with no job, no girlfriend, no friends, and he's living in his parent's basement. A family friend also told me that he's gotten into many physical fights when he was younger, and even now gets into arguments with people wherever he goes.

 

I know this guy is a loser, but all these harsh words are still bothering me, even though it's been a few months. And worst of all, I regret talking to him in the first place. I had no business talking to a 30-something year old creep when I was 16--I definitely wouldn't do that now. Does this kind of thing happen to a lot of people and is it really just a part of life to endure criticism like this?

[Tayla]

Learn to cut the truth from the untruth. Dismiss any outlandish info as just that.

Most "friends" give objective information as a way to have the person "re-think" a scenario or a perspective.

You sound like you learned a lesson in typical human behavior of some folks. Steer clear of that if at all possible.

Its not the age that concerns me so much as you divulged personal information to someone you have not known other then a party or even maintained a social life around. You may want to examine that and regroup your boundaries.

[d0nnivain]

The garbage that person is spewing at you isn't criticism . . . it's outright venom. It's mean. Ignore the person & cut them out of your life.

 

Criticism can be healthy & helpful when it's constructive. For example if some one says you have beautiful eyes but they would look even better if you used different eye liner or cut your bangs those are helpful comments.

[amaysngrace]

People like that have such low self-esteem that they try to knock other people's self-esteem down. Misery loves company.

 

He preyed on a kid probably because most people his age know better.

 

Don't take his lies to heart. You know that they're lies. And consider the source!

[kindy14]

Yeah, that wasn't criticism, that was designed to hurt you because this creep wasn't getting what he wanted from you. Those words were meant to lower your self-esteem to the point where you would be more vulnerable to his advances.

 

You should have cut him off long before you did, but I think you know that now.

 

The internet does lower a persons boundaries. Look at how many people (including me) pour their twisted tales on this forum to people they do not know. When it remains anonymous, I think it can be positive and therapeutic. When it's with a semi-connected stranger, that's to far.

[Tayla]

The garbage that person is spewing at you isn't criticism . . . it's outright venom. It's mean. Ignore the person & cut them out of your life.

 

Criticism can be healthy & helpful when it's constructive. For example if some one says you have beautiful eyes but they would look even better if you used different eye liner or cut your bangs those are helpful comments.

 

In my area we call that a back handed compliment. So yeah, its criticism .

 

 

Agree that this fellow was speaking ill to the OP.

[todreaminblue]

constructive criticism helps you grow and learn and benefits you in achieving anythign you aspire too..... and unhelpful criticism just makes you feel bad......sometimes people say things with good intentions but they have no social intuition to know that what they are saying is hurtful......i have decided from now on......that for me ....if someone says something hurtful to me and fobs it off as constructive ...i will tell them no thats not constructive its hurtful...thats my promise to myself......

 

 

 

 

 

theres two things wrong with the whole interaction between you and him......

 

 

....he spoke out of line....and you didnt speak up in line with how his comments made you feel.......from now on have your boundaries and social interaction with this guy firmly in place.......if he attacks your defences pull him up......say thats hurtful and unnecessary if you have something constructive to offer me please do....otherwise....drop it.....

 

 

I plan on doing this myself.....a new and improved deb.......i wish you all the best and hope your bf and you keep on having that beautiful beginning...:0)..deb.

[Sugarkane]

Wondering why you haven't cut him off earlier? He sounds horrible.

[d0nnivain]

In my area we call that a back handed compliment. So yeah, its criticism .

 

But it's not mean, like what this guy was saying to the OP. It's constructive criticism. It's designed to improve not tear down. my example was how criticism doesn't have to be destructive.

[mikethemechanic]

So why did you date or talk to a 30-year-old man is the next no sense if you didn't like him it seems contradicting?maybe he picked up on your behavior and said you're mentally ill because of your contrasting actions to your beliefs and wants.

[Allumere]

This man is no friend...he is a sick manipulator and IMHO dangerous. Never have anything to do with him again and ignore what he said...mind control BS is all it was.

[lollipopspot]

As we continued talking though and starting around last year, he would say things like, "You have so many dealbreakers that no guy will ever like you" and "You're hot but that's all you have going for you" and "You're not ambitious at all" and "Your cousin is physically perfect unlike you." A few months ago, he was in a bad mood and completely lashed out at me. He said that I will go nowhere in life, that my parents are failures (he mentioned something about their jobs too and the amount of money they have and that they're spoiled brats), that they raised me to be a child and a spoiled brat, that my appearance is unsightly, that I will never have any real friends, that I'll be very unsuccessful in life, that I'm stupid and annoying...and a bunch of other terrible things that I can't remember. He told his cousin about me and apparently she thinks I'm mentally ill. He said that no one else knows my true personality the way he does, which is why it seems like so many people like me. He then went on to tell me that he can get any woman he wants, that women are always secretly giving him signals, that he is viewed as a celebrity wherever he goes, etc.

 

Could be he's looking at PUA materials and trying to knock you down. Or could be he's mentally ill. Lots of reasons why he might act this way, but none ought to be of concern to you.

 

I've always gotten along with everyone in my life

 

That's not necessarily a good thing. There are plenty of people who are difficult, evil, unappeasable, unethical...who you shouldn't get along with. This guy preys on underage girls - I wouldn't get along with him. Don't strive to be a get along, go along person - pleasant to be around, but no values worth standing up for. Sometimes you need to make nice, but having no conflict is not a sign of virtue.

 

When he said all these things to me, I didn't say anything. Instead, I blocked him and told him to never contact me again. I regret not retaliating, because there's so much I could've said. He's almost 40 now with no job, no girlfriend, no friends, and he's living in his parent's basement. A family friend also told me that he's gotten into many physical fights when he was younger, and even now gets into arguments with people wherever he goes.

 

You don't need to retaliate. Telling him you won't be speaking to him again was sufficient. I'm sure somewhere inside himself he knows his deficiencies.

[preraph]

That man is a bad guy. What he's doing is he's conning you. When you're not doing what he wants, he pretends to be nice so you'll let him back in. Then once there, he tries to tear you down and make you believe you're worthless. If you google you'll find that one of the signs of abusers is they criticize and try to tell you things like no one will love you and try to turn you away from your friends and family. This guy is a bad guy. He was trying to lure you in when you were 16. That is wrong. You need to block him every single way and not ever speak to him again. He's just playing mind games with you to get control over you. Don't even try to talk to him or make sense of it. Just block him from being able to get ahold of you. If you want to, right before you do it, you can tell him in one short email "Don't ever contact me again." But don't wait for the response. Just block him. That way you have on record in case he shows up at your house or anything so that if he becomes a pest, you could get police involved.

[Leegh]

It's best not to react at all to this type of person, as it gives them something to "feed" on. It sounds as if he could be a narcissist, as narcissists are critical of other people, yet they are very sensitive if they are criticized. If he is indeed a narcissist, then he has a personality disorder (NPD). I would find him very insulting if I were in your shoes, and it is also very insulting that he criticized your parents. He seems to have no emotional boundaries, which can be a narcissistic trait. Unfortunately, when we are criticized we ponder that more than if someone compliments us. I think it is totally normal the way you feel, as I am still bothered by unkind remarks from years ago from people. You sound great, and over time you'll think about this jerk less and less.

[Satu]

Avoid hime like the plague.

[Ronni_W]

The ironic thing is that if all of these things were true, maybe it wouldn't bother me so much. I'm in grad school now and working full-time (so I don't understand where the unsuccessful part is coming from) and I'm dating a great guy now so he must be wrong about no guy ever liking me. And he dissed my parents which I think, is the worst part! Especially since he's never met them. That hurts me the most out of everything, because my parents are great and have done so much. I also have great friends.

purple,

It's bothering you because somewhere, deep-down inside of you, there is a part that wants you to think-believe that it's true. It WANTS to limit you. Your job and task and role and responsibility is to just be really, really, Wonder-Woman and Amazonia strong in refuting and rejecting and banishing that part from your mind and psyche and being and world.

 

You could look at it as some "external force or entity" or whatever; but know that it is your enemy.

You could look at this moron-guy as a blessing in disguise, in that he uncovered this "enemy within" that you need to tame, control, dominate...with your own knowing of your goodness, worthiness and positive qualities and gifts and talents and attributes.

 

You are letting this "enemy (voice) within" win, by keep doubting all your own and KNOWN goodness, worthiness and positive qualities and gifts and talents and attributes.

 

Don't it! Dont' it! Don't it! Be Wonder-Woman and Amazonia strong. Which you are, yes? Say it with me, if you will please: "I AM Wonder-Woman and Amazonia strong!!! Weird, freak inner-voice enemy, get the EFF out of here!!!" (Repeat that...lots and lots of times.)

[freestyle]

purple,

It's bothering you because somewhere, deep-down inside of you, there is a part that wants you to think-believe that it's true. It WANTS to limit you. Your job and task and role and responsibility is to just be really, really, Wonder-Woman and Amazonia strong in refuting and rejecting and banishing that part from your mind and psyche and being and world.

 

You could look at it as some "external force or entity" or whatever; but know that it is your enemy.

You could look at this moron-guy as a blessing in disguise, in that he uncovered this "enemy within" that you need to tame, control, dominate...with your own knowing of your goodness, worthiness and positive qualities and gifts and talents and attributes.

 

You are letting this "enemy (voice) within" win, by keep doubting all your own and KNOWN goodness, worthiness and positive qualities and gifts and talents and attributes.

 

Don't it! Dont' it! Don't it! Be Wonder-Woman and Amazonia strong. Which you are, yes? Say it with me, if you will please: "I AM Wonder-Woman and Amazonia strong!!! Weird, freak inner-voice enemy, get the EFF out of here!!!" (Repeat that...lots and lots of times.)

 

 

^^^^ This. X1000..........

 

Never, EVER allow anyone else to define you. It's a domination/control game.

 

For empowering reading, I highly recommend Patricia Evan's , "Controlling People" as well as her book on verbal abuse.

 

And definitely channel your Inner Amazon---she's got your back.

 

(Tawanda!!!)

[purplesoccer34]

Could be he's looking at PUA materials and trying to knock you down. Or could be he's mentally ill. Lots of reasons why he might act this way, but none ought to be of concern to you.

 

 

 

That's not necessarily a good thing. There are plenty of people who are difficult, evil, unappeasable, unethical...who you shouldn't get along with. This guy preys on underage girls - I wouldn't get along with him. Don't strive to be a get along, go along person - pleasant to be around, but no values worth standing up for. Sometimes you need to make nice, but having no conflict is not a sign of virtue.

 

 

 

You don't need to retaliate. Telling him you won't be speaking to him again was sufficient. I'm sure somewhere inside himself he knows his deficiencies.

 

Oh gosh, the second part of your post is so true. I've been told this my entire life, but I never took it seriously. For many years of my life, I've tried so hard to please and to be liked by everybody I came across. I know it's ridiculous to strive for that, and it's impossible too. Your comment really resonates with me, because now after dealing with this guy, I'm starting to understand that you can't, and really shouldn't try to be someone that every single person in the world likes. If someone doesn't like your personality for what it is, it's not your problem. Thanks for helping me realize this!

[purplesoccer34]

purple,

It's bothering you because somewhere, deep-down inside of you, there is a part that wants you to think-believe that it's true. It WANTS to limit you. Your job and task and role and responsibility is to just be really, really, Wonder-Woman and Amazonia strong in refuting and rejecting and banishing that part from your mind and psyche and being and world.

 

You could look at it as some "external force or entity" or whatever; but know that it is your enemy.

You could look at this moron-guy as a blessing in disguise, in that he uncovered this "enemy within" that you need to tame, control, dominate...with your own knowing of your goodness, worthiness and positive qualities and gifts and talents and attributes.

 

You are letting this "enemy (voice) within" win, by keep doubting all your own and KNOWN goodness, worthiness and positive qualities and gifts and talents and attributes.

 

Don't it! Dont' it! Don't it! Be Wonder-Woman and Amazonia strong. Which you are, yes? Say it with me, if you will please: "I AM Wonder-Woman and Amazonia strong!!! Weird, freak inner-voice enemy, get the EFF out of here!!!" (Repeat that...lots and lots of times.)

 

Wow, you are absolutely right! I never thought that something like this could be a blessing in disguise, but it is, and I'm definitely learning to get that enemy voice out of my head! It's definitely possible that somewhere deep down, I do believe that all his comments are true even though I'm trying to convince myself otherwise. Thanks for the advice!

[purplesoccer34]

Wondering why you haven't cut him off earlier? He sounds horrible.

 

Because I was young and dumb lol. No really, I should've blocked him years and years ago (I'd definitely do that now if the same thing happened), but I felt bad for ignoring his messages so I continued to talk to him. He was pretty insistent too with his "So are you ever going to write me back?" and "Guess you're too busy for me now" messages. It's funny because every single one of my close friends told me to block him right away, but I didn't. Really, I don't know what I was thinking. It amazes me how clueless I was at 16 lol.

[TigerLilly78]

I had no business talking to a 30-something year old creep when I was 16--I definitely wouldn't do that now. Does this kind of thing happen to a lot of people and is it really just a part of life to endure criticism like this?

 

My guess hes a pedo and was angry he couldn't have you back then and when he saw you were doing good in life now and hes still sad and miserable in mommy's basement he felt the need to try and bring you down to his level.

 

NO that sort of thing is not normal its not criticism its verbal and mental abuse criticism is a genuine friend telling you something you might not like to hear but need to anyways and doing it in a respectful manner.

 

I even think you should mention this guy and some of his shenanigans he tried when you were 16 to some one else close to the situation and see what they say..

[purplesoccer34]

My guess hes a pedo and was angry he couldn't have you back then and when he saw you were doing good in life now and hes still sad and miserable in mommy's basement he felt the need to try and bring you down to his level.

 

NO that sort of thing is not normal its not criticism its verbal and mental abuse criticism is a genuine friend telling you something you might not like to hear but need to anyways and doing it in a respectful manner.

 

I even think you should mention this guy and some of his shenanigans he tried when you were 16 to some one else close to the situation and see what they say..

 

The first part of your post is probably true. He might just be upset at himself and trying to take it out on others.

 

I remember a time when he asked me what the moral is of a certain movie (a movie I had watched years and years ago and only vaguely remembered the story), and I told him that the movie has many morals. He said that every movie has one big moral that everybody just has to pick up on. Because I couldn't tell him what this "big" moral was, he said I was pretty stupid, and he couldn't deal with stupid people. It's just hard not to think about all this when he said so many similar nonsensical things--I also can't even tell if he's being serious.

[SpiralOut]

purple,

It's bothering you because somewhere, deep-down inside of you, there is a part that wants you to think-believe that it's true. It WANTS to limit you. Your job and task and role and responsibility is to just be really, really, Wonder-Woman and Amazonia strong in refuting and rejecting and banishing that part from your mind and psyche and being and world.

 

You could look at it as some "external force or entity" or whatever; but know that it is your enemy.

You could look at this moron-guy as a blessing in disguise, in that he uncovered this "enemy within" that you need to tame, control, dominate...with your own knowing of your goodness, worthiness and positive qualities and gifts and talents and attributes.

 

You are letting this "enemy (voice) within" win, by keep doubting all your own and KNOWN goodness, worthiness and positive qualities and gifts and talents and attributes.

 

Don't it! Dont' it! Don't it! Be Wonder-Woman and Amazonia strong. Which you are, yes? Say it with me, if you will please: "I AM Wonder-Woman and Amazonia strong!!! Weird, freak inner-voice enemy, get the EFF out of here!!!" (Repeat that...lots and lots of times.)

 

 

This.

 

Every now and then we will meet someone who embodies our inner critic. This guy says to your face (well, email inbox) what your inner critic says inside your head. It's hard to ignore what they say because the critic says, "see? I told you it's true. He sees it too. It's just that nobody else has the guts to say it to you." It's hard to deal with but you've got to talk back to it, just like you already did on here.

 

This guy is angry that he is not a part of your life, he wants more but can't have it so he tried to bring you down to his level.

 

Try not to be too hard on yourself for talking to him. You were 16. Some of us don't recognize this type of person right away, especially if we're still young. He's the one who should feel bad for targeting a teenager.

Edited November 17, 2014 by SpiralOut