Praying for breadcrumbs (updated)

[Atmosphere77]

It's been 5 weeks since the break up, 4 weeks since I've seen her, 3 weeks since I stopped contacting her and 10 days since I stopped responding to her contact. I've had my good days, but today was just as bad as they come. I need breadcrumbs! I doubt i'll respond but just to have that few minute high.

 

 

I've been crushed like this before. 10 years ago. Had a very good group of friends for support back then and it still was a nightmare. This time around I have nothing. Those friends have moved on to PTA meetings and are just an occasional convo on FB these days. My other friends and family are of no help. Not because they don't care. They just aren't good support people. I don't want to bitch and moan until their ears falls off. I'm just trying to occupy as much time and thoughts as possible. Thank god for this site because of this.

 

 

I feel so alone. I look forward to going to work to get out of my house. I look forward to getting out of work to get back to my house. During the week, I'll go to a bar that was my hangout before my relationship. Many acquaintances but no friends anymore. I'll say Hi to a few people and then sit at the bar with a beer and stare at the TV. The whole time thinking that everyone is like "Hey what's with that guy coming in here sitting by himself? Bet that cute blond dumped him". I thought I was prepared for the break up. I thought the depression would be better than the stress. It might be. And hey, it is a great diet plan.

 

 

I think why I'm taking it so hard is that she was the first time I felt really loved. Atleast in my adult life. I loved the one from 10 years back but she didn't love me. Years later I realized I was just a rebound for the guy she cheated on and dumped before she met me. Took a couple of years to get over but now I give her husband advice when she cheats on him.

 

 

I know women usually lose interest slowly until they can just walk away. I saw it all coming and didn't care. I wanted it. We made each other so miserable the way we responded to each others tough exterior. I never once said "Hey lets sit down and talk about our problems". And if she did I'm sure I squirmed out of it because I avoided "feelings" talk at all costs.

 

 

When we broke up, I could see in her eyes she was still in love with me. That's what kills me I think. She loves me but she doesn't have to need me. And I do know she's thinking about me. If it's 10% of the amount of time that I think of her I'd be ecstatic. I'm just afraid it's less and less as time passes. NC could possibly work the same for both parties right?

 

 

I didn't tell her I was going NC but she's a smart girl and I assume she figured it out. I may not get my breadcrumb. I may never get one again. And that doesn't make the pain go away quicker.

[Justaguy30]

Why would it feel good for this person to contact you. Does it give you a boost in confidence? I am just curious.

[IfiKnewThen]

i went to read your post because it reminded me of me seeing your subject title.

 

then you reminded me of him..

 

 

just the way you expressed yourself. this is like a drug that made us happy. that was constant. and now its not there and the withdrawals are so bad.

that a crumb seems almost comforting. i know what u mean

 

right now im in such shock and mourning that i do nothing. because i have -0- energy or interest. i ran away 2 weekend in a row just so NOT to be in my home. then i came home thinking i would be closer to him on the computer but he doesnt talk to me there or anywhere. its reminded me of when i lost my mom (she passed on years ago) and i kept running into the neighborhood where she lived..to feel closer to her...but she wasnt there. but her spirit is always with me. i used to talk to him in my room on the phone...and i want to be there to feel near him but hes not here.

 

it all feels so helpless, hopeless and useless. dang i am down but sorry to sound like a downer. i wish i had anything uplifting to say...i dont. (yikes) except that your not alone in how you feel.......for feeling a great loss in your soul.

 

i actually pray for breadcrumbs too. which would seem like a whole loaf of bread just to get any of it. i have been here b4 ...and it doesn't get easier.

 

a broken heart and spirit takes time to heal. hang in there. omg i am losing weight too. lol diet plan and i resonates with me soooo much when u said i thought depression would be better than stress. OMG so did i. i know exactly what u mean there. he didn't relieve my stress and now im depressed hes not here which is worse.

 

what hurts the most is hes miles and miles away and went on a supposed date and since then its been like 12 days since hes wanted to have anything to do with me or say to me. and its not like him. so.....i keep praying....for relief/ even a damn smoke signal. wish i could fix this. anyway pls hang in there. one day at a time. i hope something gives for u. or maybe u can make a move

Edited November 5, 2014 by IfiKnewThen

[Atmosphere77]

Why would it feel good for this person to contact you. Does it give you a boost in confidence? I am just curious.

Why not? It's no boost in confidence. Contacting me wouldn't be an ego trip for her. It may be guilt or possibly for her own emotional support though. There's also the slight chance that she's coming around. And if she is, she's not going to come out and say "hey let's get back together". I know that. I've already imagined all the scenarios so if she's thinking off me, regardless of the reason, a breadcrumb won't set me back at all. And again, I doubt i'll respond.

Edited November 5, 2014 by Atmosphere77

[tikay00]

Trust me. When you're weening off the Heroin (break up), you just want a little taste. Soon as you get the taste, "I WANT MORE!!!", and you start over thinking, your heart is racing, can't sleep, wake up ridiculously early hours, try to fall back asleep, no motivation to cook. Will literally eat anything that's readily available that you don't have to cook.

 

Don't go there, son. Trust me.

 

I contacted ex after 12 days NC, and let me tell you, it SUCKS! Not only did you give in, but then you think about whether to send them another text that you have to go NC again, and you're scared to go NC without telling them, because if they respond to your text, you don't want to push them away by not responding (all in your head).

 

DON'T DO IT.

[Dmoney28]

Hey bro, I can feel the pain in your words. You sound like me over 5 years ago when I went through my break up. And because I went through this and survived, I am not going to sugar coat my words.

 

 

In your mind...in your heart...she can't exist anymore. You have to think of her as a Ghost, a specter from a part of your life you guys shared. Those breadcrumbs will kill you bro, I'm telling you. For a year, I happily accepted anything she would offer....a random text, friendly post..etc. Until I ran into her and her fiancé at a restaurant...I got breadcrumbs, this new dude got the whole damn loaf. This was followed by a "get the hell out of my life".

 

 

People hang onto what is familiar, until they feel comfortable enough to make a full transition to their new relationship. I think they call it Tarzan syndrome...hanging onto both vines, until you feel "safe" enough to swing to the new one. Please, take the time to morn the relationship...but don't let her ghost haunt you too long. I let my ghost haunt me for almost 3 years, I regret it.

[Atmosphere77]

IfIknewthen: We will both be fine. I'm on my emotional rollercoaster and yesterday was the worst yet for some reason. Today I'm still wanting a breadcrumb but if she plays games I'm going to respond and put her in her place. (My attitude today lol) I've had women and very close friends walk away from me before. I got over it and found something better down the road. Atleast with women.

 

 

My main issue I think with this one is the mutual love that might be lost. I've dated a lot of great women, but I don't fall in love easy. And the few that I did ended up not feeling the same. This causes me to not show my feelings which was a major contributing factor to the downfall of my relationship.

 

 

Chasing her with I love you's and please come back will not fix anything though. It's too late. She knows I'm open to talk about us. If she misses me enough to swallow some pride that's great. That is what I hope for. I figure I have a 25% chance, and if not, time will heal the wounds

[Atmosphere77]

S**t. I got caught up reading other posts and I think I'm down to 10% now lol

[IfiKnewThen]

oh no atmos. yikes 10%

youre a statistic man huh? j/k

 

you may have far more than 25% you never know.

 

you have a good survival attitude, though, i can tell. though your world has been turned upside down. it IS an emotional rollar coaster.

 

well from every thing u say this hurts because u really knew and felt her love. and sounds as though you trusted it.

 

but it doesnt sound like anyone really fought for this...because tough exteriors and pride put you on the spot for keeping it up. but someone has to let their guard down. someone will have to champion this relationship. everyone measuring stick is different. what am i willing to risk and what is this worth to me. can i put pride aside and express my love and be who i am ..in spite of the walls that she or i put up?

 

i have always believed in timing. even in the bible..the wisest of books and advise.. it says there is a time to everything...a time to laugh..a time to cry..a time to reap, a time to sow...a time to mourn a time to heal..etc.

 

i personally have a time to NC theory. i dont always think people have to go NC or should go NC right away etc. i think there is a time for NC and everyone is different on that note. situations vary.

 

to me, when things are ending or ended and if a person truly has overall been a real craphead, then its time for silence. or nc so the other can think and reflect on themselves. like when someone is getting abused. BUT, where there was love and some pain arouse and it seems remotely fixable...i think its time to express love and say what could i have actually done better, or what can i do now. or i love you and miss u. i wish there was a fix to this. i would do it. and if after putting everything into it . your best foot forward..it doesnt work...then NC and i think its easier for us to live with ourselves...knowing we did fight the good fight. now of course im not talking about begging and crying. i am talking about confessing the love in our souls and showing its real and available. if they want it...they can break down and chance too and if not...then its your turn to get rid of them.

 

we will get thru this atmos. i took my breadcrumbs tonight . he called and it sooth my soul for a bit for now. i said i love you..the works. he was quiet. no i love yous nothing. he seems like a changed man..but i did this and i have to live with that now..i broke it with him and then wanted it back. i never wanted to leave him really. i was stressed to the max. and not thinking. the circuits in my brain went but never in my heart.

 

he seems preoccupied and probably has some love interest now. because though he was nice and somewhat quiet...he was cold. there were many times he could have said it back or i see love seeping thru. but i felt a selfish man. but i hurt him so i was humbled to the core and just gave my love over to him. this was on the phone not in person. i might regret all that gushing...(not needy..i was just loving) when i wake up tomorrow morning. i am stoic now to know what i feel. i might regret it. but usually i to be true to myself i tried. if i didnt hurt him..i wouldnt profess so much..but i did. i did go somewhat overboard...but cant take that back. but i saw it as my time to do something. im sure some of my judgement was off. again i do tho believe in doing something...then NC. i hope you have a decent rest tonight and wake up...later.

[Atmosphere77]

Ifiknew: Since you were the dumper in the relationship I think that makes your chances a lot better for a possible reconciliation. Maybe his pride is too hurt to come around at the moment? Our break up was mutual, but when I tried to get her back I became the dumped.

 

 

Today I'm not sure where I'm at yet. I went out to my usual bar last night and they had my favorite craft beer. As I was drinking it I realized my ex used to go out of her way to find it and keep it in her fridge. That got me thinking that it's all my fault. The whole downfall. Yeah, she made mistakes, but I started it. I got too comfortable and thought I could be myself all the time. I felt I deserved her and took her for granted too often.

 

 

I think she took the hint from me being NC. No breadcrumbs. In 2 days it would have been our 3 year anniversary together. I doubt she'll remember at this point and I'm not expecting contact. I assume there's another guy. She didn't leave me for another guy but may have lined one up to make it easier for her to break with me.

 

 

The other day I was so depressed I was even having trouble breathing. All of a sudden I heard in my head "You don't love her". I agreed and felt so much better for the next 24 hours. Weird Guardian angel s##t I guess lol.

I do though. I think the voice in my head was telling me we fell out of love even though it still may be there underneath.

I know we aren't though completely. Unfortunately, our past relationship is, and I'm not sure either of us will be willing to take the gamble down the road. It kind of was a perfect storm to get her to be done with me and I doubt another one will come to get her back. She had a lot of bad things going on the last few months. Her friends and family were not there for her. Other than her mother, I was the only one but we had our problems going on at the same time. I figure she's lumped all those bad feelings into me being the cause. Now that she's better she's out and about with the friends she didn't hear from and it's a wrap for me.

 

 

She's happy now. Hopefully she's wrong

[aMguilts]

why are you tormenting yourself?

come on!!!

what are you doing?

stop talking about her

that'll be a start

 

think man!!!

aM

[Sugarkane]

I can't blame you, especially when the vast majority of people on this site hear back from their exes.

[IfiKnewThen]

i admire you that your trying to work this out in your heart and head. unfinished business is so unsettling.

 

the world renowned relationship expert john grey who wrote "men are from mars, women are from venus" also wrote another book called

"mars and venus starting over". and in this book he really points out the differences in men and women going thru things and how they heal. and he sites in this book, how men do far better going thru their feelings ...including feeling the love they have to get to that other side of healing called acceptance. i mean youre gonna get sad , mad, hope, etc. run the gamut of emotions.

 

the key is just not to get stuck in 1 emotion he says. and switch from one to the next till it peters out. but writing about it on here and processing it all is excellent and healthy. and ppl who can feel their love and put it in a good place somehow ..fair better. he said this about men.

 

we are all in the same boat.

 

i havent heard from him so im not so sure about the dumper and his pride. but yes, he is proud. but hes always gotten over it for the sake of love in the past. i told him i loved and i wanted to repair it. no word. im convinced he has a love interest. and since he thinks he is right and was wronged by me and has no empathy for me, it looks beyond bleak here.

 

but i was touched on your take of things...and making me look on that side of it. it would be so sweet if he were just all prideful. would be a blessing for me.

 

thank u for talking the time out in your post to consider where my situation may be at.

 

as i was sitting here...i felt your girl might contact you soon. maybe 2 days. did you ever think of what you would do or say?

Edited November 9, 2014 by IfiKnewThen

[Atmosphere77]

I'm not sure if i'll hear from her anytime soon. I think I let her off the hook by going NC. Today would have been our semiofficial 3rd anniversary. For her to be so distant there has to be another guy to keep her occupied. I went out last night and unfortunately, that was all I could think about.

 

 

If she does contact me and it's just for her attention I was going to say something along the lines of Hey, what are you trying to get out of contacting me? Let me make this easier for you. You treated me like crap for months, then you used me, and then the last month you painted on the wall I'm going out to cheat on you! And then you threw me away like garbage.

 

 

Something along those lines lol. I've got to start dating. It's such a rough field though here in NY. I really don't want to deal with having to sell myself to a girl who is talking to 20 other guys.

[lemonsugar]

I'm not sure if i'll hear from her anytime soon. I think I let her off the hook by going NC. Today would have been our semiofficial 3rd anniversary. For her to be so distant there has to be another guy to keep her occupied. I went out last night and unfortunately, that was all I could think about.

 

 

If she does contact me and it's just for her attention I was going to say something along the lines of Hey, what are you trying to get out of contacting me? Let me make this easier for you. You treated me like crap for months, then you used me, and then the last month you painted on the wall I'm going out to cheat on you! And then you threw me away like garbage.

 

 

Something along those lines lol. I've got to start dating. It's such a rough field though here in NY. I really don't want to deal with having to sell myself to a girl who is talking to 20 other guys.

 

Dont force yourself into dating until you feel ready. If she contacts you the saying is silence says a thousand words. Honestly the best thing you can do is stay silent it says youve moved on dont care. It will hurt her pride far more than giving her a piece of your mind . PS you are making NYC sound like Sex in the city type dating scene

[IfiKnewThen]

i know a lot about ny. it can actually be a lonely place. lol. it feels like ppl are colder than they used to be years ago. the world seemed warmer b4. sometimes masses in the city can more feel lonely, when ur grieving. dont know if u live in the boroughs or upstate. all i know is... you need to tell her whats on your mind when she does call. get to the bottom of anything you can. without being forceful. some say n/c. its true, there is so much merit to it. but i still feel...like it says in the bible....that there is a "time" and purpose for everything under the heavens. sometimes is NOT the time for nc. you just have to know the difference, when it becomes right for u. and when it is the time and isnt.

[Atmosphere77]

Well I heard from my ex today. Unfortunately it was a different ex lol. A few of the women I've been with in the past have been coming around now that I'm single. I'm not really feeling it. They're in the past for a reason.

 

 

Yes NY is rough for dating. I'm also on the short side and that is usually the biggest deal breaker with a lot of the women. I'm not ready for a real relationship but most of the women I've dated never became anything real. My ex took advantage of me towards the end so the thought of wining and dining a chic will probably leave me bitter.

 

 

There is a girl I met before my ex that I hit it off great with. We talked but I procrastinated and she met another guy and got into a relationship. I ran into her friend about 4 months ago. She said they were just talking about me, she's single, and I should give her a call. Ofcourse I couldn't because I was still with my ex. Hopefully she'll be around when I'm ready to contact her.

 

 

I've got to get over my ex. It blows my mind that after 3 years of sleeping next to each other that she can just walk away but obviously it happens all the time. I think me going NC made it easier for her to move on then it will for me. But, there's no way in hell i'll reach out to her again. If I hear from her who knows what will happen.

[Atmosphere77]

Man, the pain has been so bad these past 2 days. It's like a cloud of sh** in my head and a car parked on my chest. I'd like to think I'm realizing the relationship is totally over but tomorrow I might feel better and optimistic. I don't know what's worse.

 

 

I can't get anything done outside of work. I can't put my laundry away, exercise, nothing to improve myself. I take St John's wort all day. I have no idea if it helps because my mood swings so often. I'm drinking beer at home which I rarely do, just trying to catch a light buzz. It puts me in a better mood but drunk goes the other way.

 

 

No breadcrumbs for 12 days. I have a feeling they're being saved for when I start to get better. My brain can keep me in this sh** for a long time though. I thought about writing a list of her bad attributes but she doesn't have too many. So I figure i'll write a list of all the slights and things she did to me as we slowly pulled away from each other. Hang it on the wall, keep it in my wallet IDK. It's hard to get started.

 

 

I feel like such an a**h*le. The last few months I wanted to get the hell out of the relationship because of how I was being treated. Meanwhile it was me causing her to pull away and be nasty. We could have fixed it or at least have known that we tried. I'm not stressed anymore but this depression is kicking my a**. Suicidal thoughts constantly (NOT STUPID ENOUGH TO CONSIDER THAT).

 

 

I'm pretty sure it's because I have no one to talk to. That's got to be the difference this time around. My father is always there for me to vent to but he doesn't have any answers. The best advice my current close guy friends will give, If I can track them down is AHHHH F HER! Meanwhile, if their wife/gfs every leave i'll have to go take away their guns/knives and bring their moms with tissues.

 

 

I tried to change the text tone for my ex's number but my phone won't allow it. Only ring tones and we almost always texted. Every time I get a text I think, IS IT HER? Really annoying. I erased pics, and all previous text history but I'm not going to forget her number in my head. It's easy. I still remember my ex's from 20 years ago. Like 555-3355! I guess I need a new phone. Luckily, because of her job she does not have a facebook account though

[johnson_j]

I was in your shoes at the beginning of this year. So talk to us - my friend got fed up listening to me talk about it so I had to bottle it up inside. That didn't help either. The two friends who were fantastic through it all received a personal thank you after I recovered.

 

 

As far as her text, can you mute her number? So that it's not blocked, but if she texts you it won't notify. Then one day months later you'll see it in your text history. When my ex last texted me (she's muted), I didn't discover it for a few days and I didn't recognize the number, just wondered "Who the hell is texting me this information". Then it dawned on me, and didn't cause a reaction.

 

 

My family was practically worthless during the process, typical was "Stuff happens" and unhelpful comments like those.

 

 

I don't think anyone who has a "soft heart" or a conscience can just easily walk away from another person like that over the long term. I continue struggling to understand how it's possible.

[IfiKnewThen]

omg atmos ..i just wrote you a whole response and it got lost or deleted. was so stressful and annoying when everything beat the hell out of me already, and then have to get challenged further. sheesh,.

 

all i can say is, i relate to all of the above. all of it. every last bit of everthing you said.

 

i am just about OCD with cleaning etc. and i dont have the strength now to do my laundry or even wash a dish. its that bad. seriously i always did my laundry 1 x a week..all my life and its been weeks and weeks and i have still yet to do it. and im overwhelmed at the thought of doing it with no strength like this. i truly feel like i barely have the strength to walk. when i do anything im so zoned and i dont feel like im experiencing anything. i just feel dead inside. but like a dead person with pain in the front part of my turso. this is horrible.

 

its been a 3 year relationship for me too.

 

i too was very stressed but with outside things...not him so much. and i ended it.. but i really didnt want to. i was a fool. and when i told him i loved him, he had already solidified it the ending of it in his mind and looks like heart too. but has not come out and said anything direct to me. as to not wanting me or wanting me back. but the mere silence speaks volumes. but its not giving me real answers or closure.

 

and this depression of mine from not being with him and the life we knew or hearing from him in any manner has truly trumped all the the stress of the past. at least i had the comfort he as there and it did keep me going and give me strength. but this is horrible. i dont know how to live this way. i hate myself and my life like this. no joy in anything i do or dont do ..and i dont do anything because i cant barely walk from the weakness of this pain in my heart. i feel a physical ache so bad in the heart and chest area. and my heart beat has become sluggish. i too like u said, feel like a car or someone is sitting on my chest. its there 24/7. sometimes i feel it spread to my stomach too and my head is feeling clogged up and foggy. i feel like my blood pressure must be off the charts. i feel sadness and doom.

 

i dread the beginning of a round of another day feeling like this. the mornings are the worst with dead and aching. but its there all day too 24/7. really no relief. i only look forward to sleep. but im having weird nightmares too at times.

 

i never drink. EVER. i have a disability with my inner ear and it makes me spin out more. so i NEVER drink. but i actually have now been drinking beer at night just to calm down the pain in my heart and the dread of my life. im also feeling ridged inside. boy i must sound bad. i cant believe i am writing this about myself. but he hurt me that bad...to the core and i hurt me to the core with what i did that got this whole ball rolling to begin with. he was or acted happy with being with me. and hopeful but i shot down his hope and then he just made a way for himself in not even 4 weeks time.

 

i find myself asking ppl to pray for me and i am praying so very hard myself.

i dont want bad news but i do feel i need something..a word of closure. i need to hear from him and just us say things and move forward from there. however separate. and i feel so utterly helpless. b/c we are miles away and since i last spoke to him.. almost 7 days ago......whereas i professed my love to him. he hasnt called back like he said he would! prior to that and collectively speaking... he has not reached out to me a total of 19 days altogether.

 

i have one person i periodically talk to, but they feel helpless too. no one can help in this situation.

 

i cant stand the phone not ringing or like u said or when i get a text and its NOT him. i have actually considered changing my numbers so NOT to hear him NOT ringing the phone. <--- i cant even describe this.

 

i am a good problem solver and survivor and i know i have helped many people thru the years on loveshack. its helped me to heal b4. but this is so much more overwhelming than anything i have been thru. and i cant seem to solve this problem of find a fix right now..to stop this pain, regret and longing. i feel it will take God almighty himself to get me out of this living hell i feel. so sorry to sound like this...i want so bad to help others and be uplifting always. i always have been. i dont feel anything like the strong women i was. i wish God would deliver me from this and somehow make him call and give over some closure and peace.

[Atmosphere77]

Johnson J thank you for your support. Ifiknewthen, you need to get into an angry swing. I might go 2 days at a time feeling like you do but I can't imagine being able to survive it all the time. You need to get pissed off. Who the f is he? He might be afraid to get hurt again but sh*t, if you're holding his hand take a leap. Man up and show a little feelings.

 

 

I'm angry today. Thank god I got home past her bedtime because I was going to break NC. I want to know who she cheated on me with. Not the actual person. The week before we broke up she ran into this douche she knew from years ago. Friends of an ex. Had Rod Stewart hair. He was the weird old guy that shows up to live bands alone to grope women on the dance floor. We were fighting. He gave her his card cuz he's a divorced lawyer lol. She kept it to piss me off and I let her.

 

 

I want to know. Did she go for the money because at that point I cut her off for the most part or did she just **** a random guy in a bar parking lot. I have no proof. But a girl that had to text me good morning and goodnight every day for 3 years if we were not together has to be distracted by something.

 

 

6 weeks of barely talking to someone who couldn't go a few hours without contact. I know it's done. I want to bag, tag, classify and forget our relationship. I deserve the details. This girl knew everything about me. Everything. The girl that broke my heart 10 years ago? We went out to dinner with them all the time. She got caught cheating a month or so before we broke up lol. They went on vacation.

 

 

She owes me this and I don't think i'll get it. Tomorrow i'll pretend she's really at home upset. Reading. Going out with her friends that I know and just getting over me and respecting the relationship until she can move on. But that's bull****. I've read enough on LS. She's done. Be honest so I can be done. I know she still loves me but love is 20% of the equation these days.

 

 

Our sex was great. Even when we were fighting. She even mentioned it while she was trying to list all my faults as we broke up. I'm not afraid of what the truth is. I need to know.

 

 

Just like an ex that throws breadcrumbs to keep an ex on a string mine is getting away with murder I feel. We broke up. Had sex. She said she loved me then the next morning was gone. I chased and tried to work it out. She checked in to ease guilt I guess until I went NC and let her off the hook. So pissed about that. My imagination is my reality so the truth can't be worse. Knowing the end would make it so much easier and quicker.

 

 

If she moved on then give me closure. Tell me you ****ed Rod Stewart cuz he'd take you to restaurants I wouldn't take you to anymore. What is the problem? Best way to kill it right? At the same time the truth will kill me so she's definitely at home reading a novel. Good rant

[johnson_j]

Think of yourself 6 months, 12 months down the road. At that point, will you care who she cheated on you with? You shouldn't.

 

 

So don't care now. Just be glad that you know she's a scumbag, a dirtbag, and will get everything good coming to those types of people. Your heartbreak is temporary, but her living a lie is permanent. And if she has any conscience or soul it will bother her whether you know it or not. And if she doesn't have conscience or soul, well you nor anyone else will ever be with her in a long term healthy stable relationship.

[IfiKnewThen]

atmos.......................i cant believe how much i can relate to you . but im in the females version of the same story. dead to right this NC thing gets them off the hook. no darn accountability. same thing, as you, we shared intimate moments and poof he was gone. called me day and night. text goodnight and loving hello's every single morning for 3 years. now NOTHING.

 

its the truth of all truths they now have someone. and its vanished what they feel apparently for us. i dont know what else to make of it.

 

and your right i need to get mad. but since i ended it and he "took me up on it". i am left feeling guilt and pain and frustration.

 

i swear to you. ..for me everyday this pain get worse, not better. i just described it to someone today. they say time heals all wounds. and im a grown woman, and in my life time i have seen that to be true. however, in this instance, it feel like someone kidnapped a loved one of mine. and as time goes on..the pain gets worse and worse and worse. not better in the least. because as each day goes by, they seem more and more lost to me....never to be returned. its like the fear that someone is dead. but its the relationship is dead. its just an example of how my pain is not getting better.

 

i felt so bad today, i considered if i havent already had a mild heart attack. because im short of breath and weak..and the pain in my chest is a constant no relief thing. i feel like someone is sitting on my chest. im in such a bad depression. i have lost 2 parents, lost previous loves ...etc. and i NEVER EVER felt anything like this. nothing to compare. im truly frightened. i am very scared im going to die of heartbreak...this time out. i hope i dont have any heart problems. im shaking as i type this. and im going to lay down again..because the fatique is off the charts.

 

 

when i read your words to me today, i got all teared up ..when u wrote: Who the f is he? He might be afraid to get hurt again but sh*t, if you're holding his hand take a leap. Man up and show a little feelings.

 

i almost felt like someone was finally sticking up for me from a bully. so thank u. for those words and sentiments.

 

but i know all too well. its not about him being afraid to get hurt by me again. its about he moved on and doesn't gave a damn and i know has to have found someone that hes attracted to and makes him look forward to her. for him to not be talking to me at all. like im dead or something. to have taken the love he had for me out of his site and mind like this...there has to be someone. and i hate the person who coerced him too. the jealous , opportunist at his job that helps keep him from me. shes the one he said he was going out to a movie one night with. when he thought i didn't want him anymore. so she is likely the one ..this is now all about. that keeps him from contacting me on any level.

 

ours is a complicated situation. i didn't just throw him away. and i came back as fast as i could. under a month. but in the meantime i was talking to him everyday. every single solitary day. there was no NC tormenting him like this. there was a friendly loving person on the other line. i helped him bridge the gap. and now im left alone to my own devices. and i hate him for that. but i love him. im so upset hes not calling.its making me shakey and ill.

 

he knows darn well i wouldnt want him after he practically used me while i was professing my love and to then not call back? and that proves he doesnt care, or he would be worried to risk it all with me and hes not. he doesnt even seem to care what i think of him. 1 week..really? NC after me being loving and intimate with him?

 

and it's a total of near 1 month since he called willing and lovingly. its been nothing. im about to write to him. not that he gives a flying................. but i have to say something in my behalf already. i feel like a jerk. and he just gets off the hook? and tho he doesnt deserve a picture of me.. hes been asking for 1...( just a normal conservative everyday picture)and im about to send it to him along with the note. because hes waited so long for an updated pic. i want him to have that BUT i have to ask him to call me...and get some honest closure. as to where i stand..if anywhere ..and if not i need to know by words not silence and move on.

 

also, while all this is going on. this past last week, an ex of mine contacted me after 10 years. hes shockingly tells me i was the love of his lifetime and that hes in the worst marriage is wanting to leave or went to a lawyer 2 times and that he made a huge mistake leaving me 10 years ago. and that its haunted since. now, on a normal day, this would seem satisfying to any person. but i didnt care. i cant even absorb what he is saying because im missing my current ex so much. im grateful that he is calling now...because it feels like someone gives a damn about me and it really is a beautiful thing, in that repsect. bitter sweet even. but its too late and i i cant function right now.and only think of my current ex. when we talk on the phone and the pc...he is very gingerly trying to get me to tell him what is up with me in my life now? and i dare not tell him i feel like im about to die. and im almost too out of breath to talk to him. and i would LOVE to have any energy to chat with him about old times etc... and wish i were myself....but i am NOT. i feel like hes talking to a rag doll, not me. he wouldnt believe how far i have come from the days of him and me and i would have loved to showed that to him. but i cant. i cut it short and can barely get up. im faking any up -beatness on the phone with him. im like yeah im fine...then i ask him about work. he know nothing of my life. im down and depressed and have to sound happy. ugh. i feel like i need decongestant for my chest pain. i have to lay down now...the pain is getting even worse. but thank u for ur kind words. i am no where near mad/angry. and i beg God to please get me to that stage of things. because this pain, grief, sorrow and hopelessness is way too much for me anymore....and its constant. no relief. not even the beer that i NEVEr drank in my life. this is horrible i wish i could get mad. i know that might cure me ..or give me some damn relief on any level.

 

they DO OWE it to us to tell us something. darn straight they do. i hate reaching out to him to say give me closure. but God i really need it at this point. good news ..bad news whatever. but this sux astmos. i cant take this. its truly killing me. i am scared this time around. like never b4. i hope u can read this. not editing. too tired and weak at the moment.

Edited November 12, 2014 by IfiKnewThen

[Atmosphere77]

Ifiknewnow: I'm in the same boat as you today. Last night I was pissed. Today I'm in horrible pain. I pushed her into doing this to me. I wanted her to find someone else so I could escape the feeling of her pulling away. And I was causing her to pull away with my bottled up emotions and attitude. She tried to communicate and I would run away. Sometimes literally.

 

 

It's been 6 weeks now but I've been in hell for months. We still had plenty of good times but the disdain underneath kept growing. I was stressed then. I think being with her gave me the strength to leave her and once she was gone I lost my support system. I really don't know what I was thinking.

 

 

If another guy swooped in I don't hate him. I asked for it before she did. If his d**k fell off that would be great though lol. She was a wonderful woman. I mean the best you could get. She did so many little things for me to show she cared. I took it for granted and those little things slowly stopped. Instead of taking note and communicating, I thought WTF? Why can't she pick up my half&half? and I stored it away in my anger tank. I felt I deserved her. Don't get me wrong, I was very good to her. I think I was just scared to show her my all. Probably because I've felt like this before.

 

 

Nothing in 2 weeks. Now I'm shooting for a "Happy Thanksgiving" . I won't break NC at my lowest because no response would put me over the edge. If she met someone else it was only days before we broke up. That was 6 weeks ago. I've had committed relationships that were shorter than that. I pray she's mourning the loss of me but after reading posts on LS for hours a day I doubt it's her main pastime .

 

 

We both had a few FWB before we met. We fell for each other and that was that. Those FWB were always waiting in the wings so that's a possibility for her as well. I know I tried with 2 of mine. In bed with both and had to bail. I felt disgusting. Can't date either. I don't know what my mood will be during the date. When I'm ok I want to try though.

 

 

I know she's gone and I know she loves me. I know if she saw me in person she would not be able to resist me. At least for now. She probably knows the same thing. In my head I think How can she not give me a 2nd chance? In her head she gave me too many.

[IfiKnewThen]

once again. i relate to everything. except the fwb. dont have that never could do that and wont its too empty. but i acknowledge men are different too. not all the same ...but different from women too in a sense. its exactly 6 weeks for me too... no its 4 ...just looked at the calender. 3 weeks since i told him i loved in and wanted him. and 7 weeks ago since i told him i didnt want to be with him when i did. i swear if i could really kick my self i would. i truly hate myself right now for doing this and he too was my support system. i miss that support and interaction. i am also very attracted to him...drawn to him. he just did it for me. and he was truly unlike anyone i had ever known in my life.

 

when u said you dont want to call because u couldnt bare not hearing from her. thats how i feel. i did this over a week ago. text and wrote to him and left messages trying to get him to call. he didnt. then finally in a few days he did. when he did it was..1 week ago today.

 

he called me by my name in a semi loving way like he does when i he said hello. then i told him i was in love with him. and sorry i didnt mean what i did. and he told he he had no clue..and sounded angry. but he also sounded like (BUT HE DID NOT SAY THIS)

like dont blame me for moving on you told me you didnt want me. its sounded like that when he said. YOU didnt want me. YOU did this YOu told me there isnt ever going to be any chance. its as though he was saying i have done things because you said this and that. its hard to explain this. but youre smart i guess you get the gist of it.

 

then i was gushing but with class and taste and telling him how much i loved him. he was so silent. but i told him even being next to him in silence is sweet. just to be next to him. he never said not 1 loving word. not 1. mostly quiet and saying hmmm mmm. yep. he did call me 3 x that day. he was at work. but the last call...i got too intimate i think. its not what it sounds like. its hard to explain. then i was thinking about his work..(idiot of me again) and i said well let me let you get back to work. he sounded mad and said YEAH i have to go back to work. sounded annoyed in his tone. and then said...almost mad at himself or me. i will call you back. but he never did.

 

this is Soooooooooooooooooooo unlike him to say hed call and never did. first time even. in 3 years. but obviously to me, he doesnt care that he ditched me after our closeness. he never hurt me so bad. but i still dont hate him . i ache for him. because he wouldnt have EVER acted like this if i didnt act like i was trying to get rid of him 7 weeks ago. or if he hadnt met anyone to pull him away from me. and i suspect there is this 'strength" person for him. NOT a DOUBT in my mind.

 

i didnt ask him any questions while i had the chance because i felt it was ON ME since i broke it up. so all i did was give love and kindness over to him. the ONLY 1 thing i asked him was..if there a chance i can fix this..or can we fix this somehow. he said: there might be a way. did he mean it? obviously not. i dread tomorrow again. i ahte each day. sorry to vent. i already wrote a letter. just telling him we were possible and i want to fix this in baby steps. im going to ask him to call me. i pray he does. because if there no hope in sight i need to know and wan to move on. not that knowing will help. but i cant stand this either. its like im a very scared little person..asking if its safe to come out from hiding under the bed in the dark. i don t want to feel like this anymore. i really need answers.

Edited November 13, 2014 by IfiKnewThen