Sex after Cheating/Divorce- Need input

[Mz. Pixie]

Most of you that post on this forum know that my bf is divorced and that his wife cheated on him for almost two years before he found out. She still never really admitted it until the divorce was almost final and she was pregnant-starting to show.

 

I know you guys know from what I have posted that I love this man and we have a wonderful relationship. The best that I've ever had, and he says this too. Our sex life is amazing- I have never wanted a man like I want him and I tell him all the time how wonderful it is.

 

When we first got together and he talked about his wife and their issues he said that their sex life had suffered during the affair but at the time he didn't know she was having an affair. From what I can see, he tried to initiate sex and she would turn him down frequently but she wouldn't tell him what was wrong.

 

I know that a man feels love from his partner through sex. I think that when a woman is unfaithful in a marriage it does something to the husband? He had told me before that he really likes it when I initiate sex- which is great and I have no problem with that.

 

I have initiated sex a couple of times but the thing is- I don't feel like I ever really have time to because we're always mutually interested or so it seems. The other night I pounced on him and afterwards he told me how much he enjoyed that and how great it was. Then later that week on the phone he mentioned it again and how he wanted me to feel like I could initiate sex as much as I wanted to. I said okay and I asked him if he was displeased with anything about our sex life and he said no, he was fully pleased. So, then I got to thinking and I asked him why he liked that so much and he said "Well, when the woman in the relationship initiates sex, it lets the man know that she's really into him"

 

I'm wondering if this is a emotional holdover from the infidelity in his marriage? That he feels like he needs to have that to prove that I'm still interested?? Or is it a rejection thing because he felt like his wife rejected his advances??

[Owl]

It's exactly what he told you it was. It demonstrates to him that you love him, and desire him. ALL men need that...it's why sex is one of the biggest emotional needs for most men. And yes, that desire does seem to grow stronger after you've been hurt by a straying spouse, but what he is feeling really has been a part of him all along...most of us guys feel that exact same way. We need to be needed, just as much as a woman does. And that includes being physically intimate.

 

Personally, I suggest that if you don't have any problems with what he's asking, go for it. He'll appreciate it and you all the more. Don't read too much into it...

[Illusion24]

It never occurred to me that a man also likes to feel wanted. For the first time in my life I'm enjoying the pleasures of sex. My bf is great and makes me feel like a woman...especially when he just grabs me and throws me on the bed. That feeling of being desired and wanted...well he wants to feel the same way. My bf's mentioned to me once or twice that I don't initiate as 'much' as he would like me too.

I told him that I wasn't use to feeling the way I do during sex...like a woman! This feeling of being wanted and feeling sexy in bed is great never want it to go away but I was self conscious about the whole thing...

 

In part, it may have something to do with his ex not wanting to have sex but for the most part it's his desire of being wanted...just like us woman like...Being comfortable with your SO in bed is a great feeling and brings out the passion

[Mz. Pixie]

Thanks Owl! I was hoping you, Yikes, Devil Dog and Massive Atom would weigh in on this.

 

I love initiating but like I said, I feel like I never have the opportunity because we're always "going at it" Maybe waking him up in the middle of the night or meeting him at the door when he comes home from work??

 

NSN- I totally get what you're saying because I'm having the best sex of my life right now. This relationship has been a revelation to me in many ways. I've never been embarrassed in bed or anything- to me sex is beautiful and natural- but I have been in a marriage where I felt that was all I was wanted for. Nothing kills a woman's desire faster IMO.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

My ex's big complaint was that I didn't initiate it and that made him feel like I didn't want to have sex with him. BUT that was also my complaint. He didn't initiate it either, as far as I was concerned.

 

I would be in bed, almost asleep and he would come to bed, lay beside me, and put his hand on my hip. To him that meant he wanted to have sex. To me that meant he wanted to put his hand on my hip.

 

So guess what? We never had sex and now he's my ex!

 

With my new bf (the one I'm breaking up with tonight - see post under Breaking Up), there has never been an issue with initiating, because we are both horny all the time.

[Debster]

Maybe he has a higher sex drive and he's testing the water to see if you're up for more loving?

Also, it could be that he's just checking to make sure that you are getting fulfilled and your needs met.

[Yikes]

Okay Mz. Pixie,

 

You just described my marriage. I went through years of getting rejected and pushed away... and not just in the bedroom.

 

I would actually LOVE it if the woman initiated the lovemaking for all of the reasons that you mentiion. It doesn't have to be all her initiation all of the time, but wow, would that ever be a nice change of pace! After a while your man can relax knowing that everything is okay. After you have been pounded into the ground for so long, it will take a while to get comfortable again.

 

You sure have a good handle on this stuff... you had it all figured out the whole time.

 

Y

[Yikes]

Okay here's a question...

 

Who here went in for a STD test after a cheating spouse?

 

Y

[Rosewilt]

if you guys are cheating, it's best if you take an std test.

 

if they arent being honest to the person they married, be on guard if they will be honest with you

[Yikes]

Originally posted by Rosewilt

if you guys are cheating, it's best if you take an std test.

 

Hey, I've never cheated... it was my wife who was the cheater, or as I like to say, "cheater cheater pants on fire".

 

I'm thinking that I may go get tested anyway just to be on the safe side.

 

Y

[Mz. Pixie]

Rosewilt- we're talking OTHER people who have cheated.

 

Yeah, he did get a STD test.

 

I have to wonder too if he's ever thought about how his Xwife probably had the OM over at their home while he was working his 2nd job. I've never asked and he's never said........I guess I just never thought of it from the mans perspective at all and about how it might make him feel to be cheated on until now.

 

Yikes- I thought that I hit the nail right on the head. Thanks for the confirmation.

[Yikes]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

I have to wonder too if he's ever thought about how his Xwife probably had the OM over at their home while he was working his 2nd job. I've never asked and he's never said.

 

I can pretty much guarantee that he has and it's probably best you don't bring it up. That is one of those things that a guy (or a woman who's husband cheated, I expect) would rather just not think about. Especially if they are still in the same house with the same bed. That was one reason that I had no problem selling our family home. I liked the house and the neighbourhood but didn't like the memories. My new place is a fresh start although I do have the bed... but I turned the mattress over so that makes it okay.

 

Y

[SleepingLover]

Originally posted by Owl

It's exactly what he told you it was. It demonstrates to him that you love him, and desire him. ALL men need that...it's why sex is one of the biggest emotional needs for most men. And yes, that desire does seem to grow stronger after you've been hurt by a straying spouse, but what he is feeling really has been a part of him all along...most of us guys feel that exact same way. We need to be needed, just as much as a woman does. And that includes being physically intimate.

 

Personally, I suggest that if you don't have any problems with what he's asking, go for it. He'll appreciate it and you all the more. Don't read too much into it...

 

Very well said Owl

 

My wife cheated and after it was very difficult for me. The first time I had sex with a partner was 2 years after my divorce and it was a very difficult thing for me. The first time, was excruciating in that I couldn't keep an erection. I felt embarrassed and ashamed, but my partner was very understanding. Second time was much better, no erection problems, but there was still a lot lacking. Only much later on did I realize what it was that was lacking. It was because I wasn't in love with my partner. I had, initially, thought there was something physically or emotionally wrong with me. Sex is at it's greatest when it is with someone whom you connect with and are in love with. I desire for my woman to desire me, not to feel like she HAS to please me, but rather wants to please me as I want to please her. This doesn't even have to involve sex, itself, sometimes. Sometimes lying on the couch with my head in my partner's lap as she strokes my hair or forehead til I fall asleep can make me feel oh so wanted and loved. After a man has been on the receiving end of the betrayal, I think he begins to seek and desire more affection. As the old addage goes "actions speak louder than words". And he may have been fed a lot of false words by his ex while she was cheating all the while. This would ring true for me.

[SleepingLover]

Originally posted by Yikes

Okay here's a question...

 

Who here went in for a STD test after a cheating spouse?

 

Y

 

Raises hand!

[Devildog]

Okay, since you specifically asked for my input. The sex life in my marriage had gone to hell long before the problems with the "friend" ever started. 2 Years prior actually. Shortly after our first child was born. Every time I would try to initiate anything I got rejected. Every time. It was always some excuse. Her back hurt, she had a headache, her hips hurt, her stomach hurt. Always some excuse.

 

After about 8 months of always getting rejected I stopped even trying to initiate sex because the constant rejection just killed me. Made me feel totally unwanted.

 

It got to the point that as we were going to bed, or shortly before going to bed she would start with the excuses of what hurt that night. The message I got was "Unless you are an uncaring, selfish jerk don't even try it." I learned that if she got into bed naked, which was once or twice a month at best, then she was going to allow me to get some sort of satisfaction. But even then it was "I don't want any foreplay, let's just do it." In other words "I'm just doing this because it is expected of me once in awhile."

 

I felt totally unwanted, and undesired. Would it have rocked my world if she pushed me up against a wall, undid my pants and started blowing me with some enthusiasm? Hell yes. Even her digging her nails into my back to show me she was into it when we had sex would have been incredible to me.

 

It has done alot of damage to my self-esteem and confidence. Yes, my next relationship it will probably take some time for me to feel comfortable enough to initiate any kind of physical intimacy after so much rejection. And it would definetly help me if the woman would show me that she wanted me desperately enough to ravage me a few times.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

I love initiating but like I said, I feel like I never have the opportunity because we're always "going at it" Maybe waking him up in the middle of the night or meeting him at the door when he comes home from work??

 

Both excellent ideas Mz. Pixie, and I would like to add that nothing beats waking up in the morning to your wife or GF performing oral on you.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Speaking as a man, there is nothing sexier, or that makes me feel more wanted, than a woman who jumps me almost every time I see her, and wants it so often I can barely keep up. Not to say that it is necessary for it to be like that every single day, or that it can't be fun to do lots of other things, but it gives a guy a really good feeling inside to know that the significant woman in his life loves him and desires him that much. It really is a major turn-on.

 

That said, I know that most women (at least the ones I have known) love for the guy to initiate too, and sometimes there is nothing more fun than throwing her on the bed, and...

 

Basically, I think both sexes need that. It's about mutually wanting each other, and wanting to be close to each other, so much that you can't keep your hands off of one another. I've had a couple relationships where we did lots of things together, but also were, um, like that, and they are some of my very best memories.

[Yikes]

The best part was when attempting to make love to my wife I'd get this awful feeling that she felt that she was cheating on someone with her own husband. Assuming of course that se didn't shut me down all together, which was the norm. BINGO! I tell you if that just doesn't give you a warm fuzzy feeling down deep I don't know what will. It's all very sad and pathetic.

 

Just having a woman who actually participates would be a new thing for me.

 

Y

[Mz. Pixie]

DD- wow, I'm speechless by your first post. I know that this D hurt you alot but really, you are SOOOOO much better off. I can't imagine how that must have been for you.

 

I admit I shut down sexually in my marriage. Lots of reasons- my husband had gained like 100 lbs, he never pleased me sexually, and he never tried to meet my needs out of the bedroom. That kinda killed any sexual desire I had for him. He had also at one point said if you would just have more sex with me I would try to meet your needs. So, I even tried that- and it didn't work at all.

 

Yikes- as far as the house and bed thing goes- I would never ask him. He got the house in the D because all she wanted was to get away with her new guy. All she really got was a coffee table and a end table. He refinanced the house and changed the locks. He got a new bed and mattress. When I go over there it's really like she never lived there- except for some ugly dishes that I will be throwing away once I move in. One night he did say something to me along the lines of how he thought I was more than awesome for not being bothered about moving into that house with him once we're married, since he lived there with another woman. He has also said things about how once we're married for a year or two he wants us to sell his house and build one of our own- that we can say neither of us have lived in with anyone else.

 

Sleeping- your posts are great- I am so sorry for what you've suffered through. Any guy though that gets the emotional connection with sex is sure not to stay alone for very long. You WILL find the right one. What you said about your partner playing with your hair- I had to smile. My BF loves to have this certain place on his head scratched as he goes to sleep. He said his wife would never do it for him or she would say, "Okay, I'll do it for five minutes" which breaks my heart. I love to do it for him.

 

I'm totally into it in every way with this guy. He is so good to me in every way. He has read alot of books on marriage because of going to counseling and he has alot of good insight. We've talked about alot of issues, such as how to keep your partner from feeling rejected, who should plan the dates in marriage (because you still need to date your partner) and things like that. One night he was saying how tired he was because I had worn him out that weekend and I was like do you know how many guys would KILL to have your problem? And he was smiling and he was like Oh yeah, I think I can suffer through.

 

This is funny. One night I was looking for a picture of his son that I told him I would put in a frame for him and I came across his marriage counseling information. This was apparently the notes he had to write to his counselor at the end of the session stating what he had learned or whatever. In his notes he was like, "What was I thinking expecting my wife to know how to be a wife and a mother and how to make love to her husband?" "How selfish am I?"

I had to laugh because it was so funny. He was like, "I love my wife, no matter if she doesn't know how to cook or clean or keep her husband satisfied in bed"

 

Sounds like how sarcastic a few of you guys have been.

 

You are all prizes, I hope you know that.

[Yikes]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

One night he was saying how tired he was because I had worn him out that weekend and I was like do you know how many guys would KILL to have your problem? And he was smiling and he was like Oh yeah, I think I can suffer through.

 

Okay, there you go trying to hurt us again. Girl, you're a machine.

 

 

I think that women would be surprised just how many men put emotional intimacy as high, if not higher than sex. I think that my ex and I wanted pretty much the same things but for some reason we just couldn't get it together. It may have had something with the OM... Gee do ya think?

 

Y

 

It's no trick loving someone when they are at their best. True love is loving them when they are at their worst.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by Yikes

Okay, there you go trying to hurt us again. Girl, you're a machine.

 

That's what I was thinking Yikes. I'll paraphrase her initial post as it sounded to me:

 

So me and my BF are going at it like bunnies, and he tells me he gets really turned on when I initiate things, The problem is it's a 24/7 circus of kink when we are alone together. Do you guys, who haven't felt the touch of anything other than your right hand since before John Kerry accepted the Nomination for Democratic Party Candidate, think this is a turn on?

 

Thanks Pixie.

[SleepingLover]

Originally posted by Devildog

That's what I was thinking Yikes. I'll paraphrase her initial post as it sounded to me:

 

So me and my BF are going at it like bunnies, and he tells me he gets really turned on when I initiate things, The problem is it's a 24/7 circus of kink when we are alone together. Do you guys, who haven't felt the touch of anything other than your right hand since before John Kerry accepted the Nomination for Democratic Party Candidate, think this is a turn on?

 

Thanks Pixie.

 

LMAO DD, you had me crying!

[SleepingLover]

Originally posted by Yikes

I think that women would be surprised just how many men put emotional intimacy as high, if not higher than sex.

 

Amen brother!

[SleepingLover]

Originally posted by Devildog

It has done alot of damage to my self-esteem and confidence. Yes, my next relationship it will probably take some time for me to feel comfortable enough to initiate any kind of physical intimacy after so much rejection.

 

I completely relate to that staement and it brings a tear to my eye because it is really affecting me at this moment. I feel myself slipping into depression again because I just completely feel unwanted and fearful. I understand that my kids love me and want me but it's not the same as adult companionship.

 

The story that brings me to this moment is there is this young lady whom I really like and, simply, wish to get to know better. We have known each other for awhile but mostly in passing and I enjoy her company and sweet personality. I haven't met too many women like her... they are far and few in between. I have never gotten her phone number or contact information, but recently heard that she has taken a liking to me. Although I would like to believe that, it is from a thrid party and unless I hear it from her herself I am not sure what to believe. Well, last week I was trying to think of something special just to make her day. I know she never recieved anything for Valentine's day so I made a belated Valentine's card. I'm an Artist, so I did all of the artwork myself for the card. On the front cover of the card I put "It may be too late for Valentine's day..." and on the inside "..but it's never too late for a Valentine's Card". The image on the front is of a kitten sitting next to a puppy stroking his face and on the inside they are leaping in the air for a red ball. Inside I wrote, "Just being my goofy self and hope you are having a wonderful day!"

 

Anyhow, I have been hoping to bump into her so I could give her this card, myself, but haven't seen her since the last time we chatted about 2 weeks ago

 

So, I decided I could just drop the card of to her workplace at the ER (she's the 3rd shift trauma technician for one of our local hospitals). So last nite I included a little note with the card asking her to call me today because I have a question I would like to ask her, but felt it was innapropriate to ask in a simple note. I said that I hope she forgives me for contacting her in this way, but I had no other way to get in touch with her. Her friends had offered me her number but I refused to take it from them. The question I wanted to ask is if she was free tomorrow night, since she is off work , because I'd like to treat her to dinner and a movie. Just a little out time to talk and have a good time.

 

It may be nothing but I have this fear that she won't call at all. I get that often it seems. Guess I'm too nice or something cause I don't understand it much .

 

But that simple statement by DD, above, is so very true. My confidence is shot as well as my self-esteem and I feel horrible. Each new blow puts you one step back further than you were. I can recognize it but it doesn't matter much. I try to fight it, but I lose. Such a mess I can hardly stand it sometimes.

[Mz. Pixie]

OMG- I was laughing so hard I almost spewed coffee all over my monitor!!

 

Not to add insult to injury, but I've been told I'm hot too!

 

Seriously guys, I wasn't trying to rub it in! You know I have mad love for you fellas on this forum!

 

I was honestly wanting the opinion of guys who have been through what my BF has been through- the extended cheating and wife leaving them.

 

I know I have to handle him carefully and for me, he is so worth it.

 

I have to wonder though how in the world he could possibly doubt that I'm as hot for him as I am??? I've never not been interested!!

 

I asked him before how could he have not known what was going on after that amount of time and he said, well, I knew, I just didn't want to accept it.