To Wed or not - PLEASE help!!

[Arizona]

I've been dating a man exclusively for over three years now and we've recently gotten engaged. I'm 27 years old and he's 45 years old. This will be his second marriage and he doesn't really want any more children. I want children but would consider not having them. He would leave the option open also. Both of us are aware of the other's preference but would consider the other for the sake of the other's happiness. Both of us realize as years progress, I will want them more and he will want them less (he's got children from the previous marriage who are already out of the house).

 

Maybe this sounds like a stupid question, but how do you know when or IF it's right to get married? I've got doubts about our abilities to work through issues since we seem to be "at" each other more since the engagement. Is this just nervousness? I'm worried that if I let him go and say "we just can't seem to stop bickering at least once a week" that I'll never find someone as special. He is a wonderful man, don't get me wrong. He always puts my feelings first and is very thoughtful. He says, regarding the children issue, "You would be a wonderful mother and I don't want to keep you from having them." But also says "But you have to realize that there's a real possibility that we may not have any. In a few years I may not be open to even a possibility of them."

 

We don't get stuck on this topic very often so that's not really even my main concern right now. It's the fact that we seem to bicker all the time! We can't go a week without having an argument that leaves us not talking for a day. Then we rationally talk it out. We never call each other names or anything like that, but is it normal to bicker all the time???

 

I don't want to get into a marriage only to be unhappy and divorced within a few years. How the heck does anyone know what to do?????

 

I'd really appreciate any help. This is making me sad and confused and the wedding date is fast approaching.

[Rachel]

Dear Arizona;

 

I am 31. YOu can see the situation I'm in by reading the posts below. I have always known that I want children and I can tell you that those are extremely primal feelings that cannot and should not be denied. The "biological" clock that they talk about is not bogus.

 

Trust me when you hit 30, as many many other friends of mine have, something inside you says, I want a child really bad.

 

Then when you see your friends pregnant and holding their firstborns, something inside you just yells, I want that sooooo bad.

 

This is an issue that will not go away. You MUST deal with this now. You must get him to agree 100% that he will give you a child by the age of 3x, whatever is right for you. I know you think you would "consider" not having children, but my dear in a year or two, that small panging, becomes a loud "clanging".

 

As far as the bickering, look in your heart and see if somehow, somewhere you are fighting about other small things to avoid a final resolution on this big issue.

 

Maybe because neither wants to rock the boat, you are absolutely living in extreme tension.

 

Anyway, I have been married before, when I was right out of college. Going through a divorce is absolutely a mess, and emotionally very difficult, I was lucky I didn't have children. However, you are soooo much better off, dealing with issues BEFORE your marriage, than after. It only seems that much more difficult after you're married.

 

Good luck and lots of hugs.

 

There is absolutely Nothing wrong with postponing the wedding date for 6 months or indefinitely. Maybe its something you could discuss with your fiance'. It's NOT the end of the world.

[jb]

That biological clock issue? It's very real. I felt pretty much like you when I was 27, and I had been married for years (I thought happily at the time). Now I am in my early 30s. The fact that I am in a healthy, committed relationship (divorced years ago) just increases the TICK TICK TICK. You grow quite a bit in the next 5-10 years. Think about whether you'll truly be able to grow together. Best of luck.

Dear Arizona; I am 31. YOu can see the situation I'm in by reading the posts below. I have always known that I want children and I can tell you that those are extremely primal feelings that cannot and should not be denied. The "biological" clock that they talk about is not bogus. Trust me when you hit 30, as many many other friends of mine have, something inside you says, I want a child really bad. Then when you see your friends pregnant and holding their firstborns, something inside you just yells, I want that sooooo bad. This is an issue that will not go away. You MUST deal with this now. You must get him to agree 100% that he will give you a child by the age of 3x, whatever is right for you. I know you think you would "consider" not having children, but my dear in a year or two, that small panging, becomes a loud "clanging". As far as the bickering, look in your heart and see if somehow, somewhere you are fighting about other small things to avoid a final resolution on this big issue. Maybe because neither wants to rock the boat, you are absolutely living in extreme tension.

 

Anyway, I have been married before, when I was right out of college. Going through a divorce is absolutely a mess, and emotionally very difficult, I was lucky I didn't have children. However, you are soooo much better off, dealing with issues BEFORE your marriage, than after. It only seems that much more difficult after you're married.

 

Good luck and lots of hugs. There is absolutely Nothing wrong with postponing the wedding date for 6 months or indefinitely. Maybe its something you could discuss with your fiance'. It's NOT the end of the world.

[Tony T]

If you are engaged and getting married isn't something you want to do more than anything else in the world, then DON'T do it.

 

And don't get married thinking things will get better or worse once you are married. Resolve EVERYTHING ahead of time. If you don't, there will be lots of bickering after you're married.

 

The two of you have a lot to work on. If you can't get it straight soon, head straight on out the door.

 

For my money, I think this issue of children will end up being your biggest. If your clock starts ticking and he doesn't want children at that time, you will be very bitter. You only live once. Your child-bearing years are limited.

 

Everything the other posters said was 100 percent correct.

[Victor]

I would imagine that the bickering is okay, just a phase that you need to get through, because my girlfriend who I will marry when the time is right (I know we will), I used to fight with each other (little fights, but sometimes they get big) constantly!... We eventually worked it out, and it was only for 2 or 3 weeks that we fought daily... I think you will work this out if both of you love each other dearly.

 

You have to be completely happy and in love with this man to marry him, and the same goes for him, don't marry him if you feel that he doesn't love you just as much as you love him.