Question for the Divorced Fathers out there....how did you deal/decide?

[KismetGirl]

I know this is odd, maybe Im not posting in the right area. Maybe people will hate my for asking but I have to understand.

 

I have been involved, on and off, with a married man for nearly a decade. I didnt talk to him for a long time because it was so hard to be in this situation but we recently reconnected and are speaking again, in a friendly way, but it is obvious heavy feelings still exist between us. He has told me essentially that his wife is an amazing woman in as much as she is a good person and he feels she is an amazing mother to their children. Essentially, she is a fantastic partner and mother. He loves her but he is not in love with her. They have discussed divorce but have not gone through with it.

 

At the heart of it, after much discussion, it seems the one thing really holding him from divorcing are his children. He feels that he can't imagine a life in which he is not living in the same house as his children-- waking up and seeing them every morning, putting them to bed at night, being there for all their milestones. This is literally, it seems, the only thing preventing him from leaving. Whether or not he and I ended up together is irrelevent, but he seems unhappy on a personal level. He is happy with his family life in as much as his wife and he are very good parents together, but he is not in love and lacks a real partner for himself, children aside.

 

I would like to pose the question to all the fathers out there who have divorced, seperated, or contemplated divorce....both from fathers who did go through with the divorce, and those that did not for reasons of the children in specifics. I woudl like to understand if this is something that seems worse than it really is. Surely, people do it all the time. My parents divorced and I have a good relationship with both of my parents equally because they were very good at being positive and never said anything bad about each other. It seems to me that the IDEA of being a "part time father" as he puts it is more scary in theory , and that as with anything, eventually he would form a new routine and everyone would get used to it. His children are relatively young (elementary school ages for the most part).

 

It seems to me that it's better to get a divorce at a younger age when they will more easily get used to such an arrangement than to wait until they are grown and will understand what is happening and be more surprised and bitter about it. It also seems more prudent to give both parents a chance, while they are still young enough, to really find true love with someone else.

 

I realise there is the idea of another man moving into his family which he'd probably hate, but again, sounds worse than the reality--- I have a stepfather who married my mother and in no way has replaced my father on any level. He is just another wonderful person in my life.

 

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong forum but I wasn't sure where else to ask-- I am in a state of emotional unrest regarding this man's insistence on being in contact with me and obviously being in love with me and saying I am everything he ever wanted in a romantic partner, except we met after he was already married with children. My heart is torn trying to understand if he will ever come to a place where he might believe that divorce, while initially difficult and depressing, eventually can be ok, and that giving himself AND his wife a chance to be in relationships where they are truly in love can prove to give them both happier lives over all. They fight often, though they hide it from their children, and it seems to me that the longer they stay together, the more they will eventually resent one another, wasting away their relative youth when they could have found better suited partners.

 

I just want to understand the male/father/husband perspective on this situation, please. If anyone can offer input I would be most appreciative-- whether you stayed married or actually got divorced, and how you dealt with your feelings regarding the "part time fatherhood" fear, how you dealt with seeing your children without living in the same house anymore, and how it all turned out in the end, whether you regret it, etc.

 

thank you so much in advance

[Aargh]

Kismet Girl -I feel for you. I was (still am) the man with kids.

I have since left my wife but in the 3 and a half years it has taken for me to do this, My AP has moved on and the landscape is so very different.

Mine and my APs lives were put on hold for too long whilst we both (me in particular) dealt with the implications and practicalities of breaking up our families.

I have no advice for you other than it will take time I am sure for him to come to a conclusion whether he can or cannot break the family to be with you. And all you can do is be patient.It will be hell I am sure and if my experience is anything to go by, you will have breaks and get back togethers, there will be tears and then more tears. But from experience please don't put you life on hold for him. I should have made my break 2 years ago but for fear of hurting my kids I did not. Now that I have I truly believe that the kids can be OK.

So give him a deadline and stick to it. Right now he has his cake and is eating it. I was him, remember and I am looking back at the experience from a more rational viewpoint.

His kids are also a reason for not having to make a decision - an excuse if you like for not fully committing. The emotions involved in a situation like yours/ours are immense and difficult to fully cope with. Not saying this is the situation with you man but I can be honest and say that at difficult times it was a plausible way of not having to confront the hugeness of my predicament - I love my kids right? How could I contemplate such a thing?

But then in time as the unhappiness grew at home and I worked through various possibilities/potentials I came to realise that leaving when the kids were as young as possible was the best way to do it. The alternative was them growing up in an unhappy household.

It does happen all the time and I was surprised how accepting my children were when I told them (worst day of my life) - this is due to how many of their schoolmates are from separated families. It is certainly more prevalent than it was in our days but that doesn't make the personal tragedy any less painful.

I wish you all the best. I hope you can end up together because I am filled with such sadness that I seem to have missed my chance because of my inability to make a decision.

bon courage.

[GoBlue]

At the heart of it, after much discussion, it seems the one thing really holding him from divorcing are his children. He feels that he can't imagine a life in which he is not living in the same house as his children-- waking up and seeing them every morning, putting them to bed at night, being there for all their milestones. This is literally, it seems, the only thing preventing him from leaving. Whether or not he and I ended up together is irrelevent, but he seems unhappy on a personal level. He is happy with his family life in as much as his wife and he are very good parents together, but he is not in love and lacks a real partner for himself, children aside.

 

I am a divorced father and his fears and concerns are valid! They are not just "scary in theory" it is my every-day reality. As a result of my divorce, I relocated to an area where I have no family and no social group what-so-ever. I struggled for four years working 60 to 70 hours a week just to get by and pay all of my obligations. I am just now getting to a place where I can actually consider spending some money on myself!

 

All of that time and I was never able to afford anything but a single room to rent in another man's house. The result being that I couldn't have my children over for over-night visitation. In the mean-time, my ex-wife's boyfriend sleeps in the same house, spends every day with my children and my grandson, while I get every Sunday and other meetings scattered through-out the week. It isn't a theory it is a fact.

 

Now, if his wife is such a great mother and partner, and he loves his children so much, then investing himself into loving his wife is the best gift he can ever give his children. There is a reason that they got married and had children together. Any marital relationship requires effort and attention in order to maintain love and connection. Having affairs does nobody any good. It is amazing to me how couples will put so much effort into winning one-another and as soon as the marriage ceremony is over, or as soon as the children start popping out, or as soon as they get bored, etc., etc., etc., they stop all efforts and turn to someone else. It is also amazing to me that those who get involved with a married partner rationalize it because their partner is in an "unhappy" relationship. Come on - is that how you would want to be treated?

Edited November 14, 2014 by GoBlue

[Mr. Lucky]

I just want to understand the male/father/husband perspective on this situation, please. If anyone can offer input I would be most appreciative-- whether you stayed married or actually got divorced, and how you dealt with your feelings regarding the "part time fatherhood" fear, how you dealt with seeing your children without living in the same house anymore, and how it all turned out in the end, whether you regret it, etc.

 

As a BS, I can't help but feel (probably irrationally) that answering your questions is helping the enemy.

 

You seem intent on breaking up his marraige. I guess at that point the decision will be made for him ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[slizl]

I am 35 , two kids (4&7) and divorced for almost two years now. My divorce has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. I was "the victim" in my marriage and literally had to walk on eggshells every second of every day around my wife. My mission when I got home every night was to do everything in my power not to get yelled at or treated like absolute garbage. Nobody is perfect, but seriously, I was a caring and loving husband, a great provider financially and a great father. Long story short, she wanted a divorce for years, we saw three different councelors, and finally one day it hit me that I need to get out of this relationship or I will be miserable for the rest of my life. When your wife leaves on a business trip and your life is so much easier while taking care of two small children by yourself, I knew it was bad. I figured that I was young enough to still find a partner and the kids were so young that they wouldn't be affected as much, and one day wouldn't know any different. So I pulled the trigger after knowing (three councelors), that we would never, ever be happy together. For me, it was important to know that I did absolutely everything in my power to stay married to this woman, but she was just miserable with me and made my life miserable as a result.

 

Fast forward to today, I have the kids 50/50 and an absolutely amazing relationship with my kids. I love them more than anything and they love me so much in return. We literally have the best time when it's daddy's half of the week. Professionally, I have had the best two years of my life (money wise). I had a few rebound relationships in the beginning, but earlier this year, I met the woman of my dreams. She is moving in soon with an engagement soon to follow. I have gone from a beaten down man who lived in fear and misery to the happiest I have ever been in my life.

 

Your kids should always be your first priority in life, but too many couples stay in unhealthy relationships for the sake of the kids. I guess the question is, is it better for your kids to be a miserable husband and wife, fight in front of the kids, etc. or is it better to be happy with yourself and have a loving and caring relationship with someone (not the mother) as an example for your children?

 

The ultimate reason why I decided to pull the trigger was because I literally couldn't imagine living the rest of my life with my wife. I would think about us being retired together and spending most of the days and nights together, and I just knew I would be miserable. That is no way for anyone to live.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet Girl -I feel for you. I was (still am) the man with kids.

I have since left my wife but in the 3 and a half years it has taken for me to do this, My AP has moved on and the landscape is so very different.

Mine and my APs lives were put on hold for too long whilst we both (me in particular) dealt with the implications and practicalities of breaking up our families.

I have no advice for you other than it will take time I am sure for him to come to a conclusion whether he can or cannot break the family to be with you. And all you can do is be patient.It will be hell I am sure and if my experience is anything to go by, you will have breaks and get back togethers, there will be tears and then more tears. But from experience please don't put you life on hold for him. I should have made my break 2 years ago but for fear of hurting my kids I did not. Now that I have I truly believe that the kids can be OK.

So give him a deadline and stick to it. Right now he has his cake and is eating it. I was him, remember and I am looking back at the experience from a more rational viewpoint.

His kids are also a reason for not having to make a decision - an excuse if you like for not fully committing. The emotions involved in a situation like yours/ours are immense and difficult to fully cope with. Not saying this is the situation with you man but I can be honest and say that at difficult times it was a plausible way of not having to confront the hugeness of my predicament - I love my kids right? How could I contemplate such a thing?

But then in time as the unhappiness grew at home and I worked through various possibilities/potentials I came to realise that leaving when the kids were as young as possible was the best way to do it. The alternative was them growing up in an unhappy household.

It does happen all the time and I was surprised how accepting my children were when I told them (worst day of my life) - this is due to how many of their schoolmates are from separated families. It is certainly more prevalent than it was in our days but that doesn't make the personal tragedy any less painful.

I wish you all the best. I hope you can end up together because I am filled with such sadness that I seem to have missed my chance because of my inability to make a decision.

bon courage.

 

Thank you for responding, it means a lot to share your story with me, and I am sorry it didnt work exactly how you might have liked but your insight is invaluable, though as we see from responses below everyone's situation is different.

 

I've been involved with him on and off for a long time and honestly I have never once asked him to leave his wife. I don't think that's something I should force him to do or give ultimatums-- I think he needs to come to that conclusion on his own, IF that is what is best for him (maybe it is maybe it isn't), because otherwise he'd resent me for forcing a decision on him.

 

I can tell you that after a three year hiatus of not speaking he speaks to me about his marriage and life much more openly than he used to. He never used to say anything about how I was the woman of his dreams, or that he'd contemplate divorce. He was always tormented with guilt for even speaking to me. So, three years ago, I gave him his space. He said he was going to go to marriage counseling with his wife and I gave them both space, respected their wishes to try to work on it. I have no ill will towards his wife whatsoever. I'm not proud of getting involved with him but it was surely not something I'd done before, I was very young when I met him (a decade ago!) and it jut happened. I have since had many boyfriends and relationships of my own, and I have been in love with others, but never the way I feel about him.

 

That said he needs to figure things out on his own, but obviously I'm not going to wait ten years until his kids are in college. Obviously years of counseling have not worked for them. I think him being terrified about "losing" his children has made it difficult for him to decide anything. More and more I hear about them fighting-- they live in a house full of tension, she doesnt trust him anymore (for good reason perhaps), and why would anyone want to live in such a relationship>? He has recently said that, taking his children aside, if he had it to do over again he wouldn't have married her because it would have been more fair to let both of them end up with someone better suited. He hasn't seemed to take that epiphany and translate it over to the reality of his current situation.To me it seems obvious that

unhappiness, after years of trying to fix a marriage, and it not working, is a sign that you are wasting your personal happiness.

 

I guess I'm just trying to understand how he is thinking. I don't want to CONVINCE him of anything, but like any therapist, help him realise what is best for him for himself, whether that is staying or leaving. Right now he is not staying because he wants to-- he has made this clear-- but because he feels obligated and because of the children primarily.

 

Im not waiting for him. I am talking to other guys, I will not withold going on dates with new men because of him ....my life is not on hold but it makes me sad, and it makes him sad I think, that two such compatible people are sitting right in front of each other without anything happening.

[KismetGirl]

I am a divorced father and his fears and concerns are valid! They are not just "scary in theory" it is my every-day reality. As a result of my divorce, I relocated to an area where I have no family and no social group what-so-ever. I struggled for four years working 60 to 70 hours a week just to get by and pay all of my obligations. I am just now getting to a place where I can actually consider spending some money on myself!

 

All of that time and I was never able to afford anything but a single room to rent in another man's house. The result being that I couldn't have my children over for over-night visitation. In the mean-time, my ex-wife's boyfriend sleeps in the same house, spends every day with my children and my grandson, while I get every Sunday and other meetings scattered through-out the week. It isn't a theory it is a fact.

 

Now, if his wife is such a great mother and partner, and he loves his children so much, then investing himself into loving his wife is the best gift he can ever give his children. There is a reason that they got married and had children together. Any marital relationship requires effort and attention in order to maintain love and connection. Having affairs does nobody any good. It is amazing to me how couples will put so much effort into winning one-another and as soon as the marriage ceremony is over, or as soon as the children start popping out, or as soon as they get bored, etc., etc., etc., they stop all efforts and turn to someone else. It is also amazing to me that those who get involved with a married partner rationalize it because their partner is in an "unhappy" relationship. Come on - is that how you would want to be treated?

 

I understand you completely-- he loves his wife. He has no ill will towards her. He believes she is a fantastic mother. But he talks about her, for nearly a decade now, as if she is a best friend rather than a wife, a lover, a woman. He loves her, but is not in love with her. He HAS tried to work at it-- for at least three years they've been in marriage counseling, therapy individually....and the conclusions he's reached, again, are that at their core they are different people, incompatible romantically, that he rushed into marrying too young, and that if his children didn't exist he wouldnt been divorced long ago so that both he AND she could find compatible people and be happy.

 

I am not proud of my involvement but it is what it is. I left them alone for several years in hopes that they would work it out-- I am not bitter, angry, and do not hate his wife. I love him and as such when you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, whether its with you or someone else. If he told me at any point he was happy I'd say, good for you! He's not happy. If he told me he was getting a divorce but that his ideal partner was NOT me and he met someone else, I'd still be happy for him though a bit disappointed obviously, but I wouldn't be angry. I want him, and his wife for that matter , to be happy. As it stands now they fight a lot, she is suspicious of every woman in a 200 mile radius of him, and is that any way to live together? Their kids are small now, but do you not think they will notice mom and dad just aren't in love as they get older? I think it's very obvious when a couple is in love-- their kids will feel this is not the case at some point.

 

I'm so sorry your divorce was so hard on you-- I suppose it is different for everyone and it depends a lot on how the parents choose to interact. My parents are divorced and my mother was very kind in how she spoke about my father and made certain we saw him a lot. I feel equally close to both my parents even though I lived in my mom's house , I saw my dad very often. I am an adult now and I don't regret anything-- things happen as they must, for whatever reason.

 

I hope you find happiness now that you are more settled. I know after children the finances of a divorce tend to be one of the bigger matters that are hard to deal with. I hope you find true happiness, sincerely, I just am trying to understand the male perspective and I thank you again on your insight and your story.

[KismetGirl]

As a BS, I can't help but feel (probably irrationally) that answering your questions is helping the enemy.

 

You seem intent on breaking up his marraige. I guess at that point the decision will be made for him ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky,

 

I am hell bent on breaking up no one's marriage. I have known him ten YEARS and in that time have NOT ONCE asked him to leave his wife. In fact, I have multiple times gone out of my way to help him mend his relationship. I have suggested a bloody marriage counselor for him. I left them alone for over three years to let them work things out and see if they can be happy.

 

It has not worked. They are not suitable for one another and it seems to me nothing but a downhill path. They fight more and more at home. Despite having nothing but good things to say about his wife as a person, I can sense the resentment building. One day the two of them will wake up when their children are older and realise they have spent their lives with someone they knew was incompatible 20 years earlier.

 

That is their decision to make, of course. Please believe I am not here in any way to get "tricks" to break up their marriage. That is not my intention. If i wanted to do that I could have told his wife a number of things without him ever knowing it as me that gave her that information. I am not vindictive, nor am I insane. I am a good person. I am a kind person. I am not perfect, and I have made mistakes.

 

All I am asking here is for perspective from divorced dads on how they dealt with it and if their conceived notions of "losing their kids" or "being a part time father" were really in line with the reality of their situation. Did divorce make them more miserable or are they relieved? I suppose I will (and have, as per above) get answers from both sides of the spectrum, but it still helps me to try to understand what he is feeling and what is going on.

 

I have never given him an ultimatum, nor do I intend to, ever. If I am still single when he gets a divorce I'd be happy to speak to him about it. But Im not sitting around waiting. That doesn't mean I can't be sad about it in the meantime and try to understand.

 

best,

KG

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr. Lucky,

 

I am hell bent on breaking up no one's marriage. I have known him ten YEARS and in that time have NOT ONCE asked him to leave his wife. In fact, I have multiple times gone out of my way to help him mend his relationship. I have suggested a bloody marriage counselor for him. I left them alone for over three years to let them work things out and see if they can be happy.

 

Wow! Left the two of them, husband and wife, alone for 3 whole years? You're almost a saint.

 

At least be honest. You had an affair with him, it didn't work out and now you're back...for what? To help him, right? Not thinking of yourself at all?

 

If you're fortunate enough to find a (unmarried) partner, I wonder how much you'll appreciate that kind of "help" from another woman...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KismetGirl]

I am 35 , two kids (4&7) and divorced for almost two years now. My divorce has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. I was "the victim" in my marriage and literally had to walk on eggshells every second of every day around my wife. My mission when I got home every night was to do everything in my power not to get yelled at or treated like absolute garbage. Nobody is perfect, but seriously, I was a caring and loving husband, a great provider financially and a great father. Long story short, she wanted a divorce for years, we saw three different councelors, and finally one day it hit me that I need to get out of this relationship or I will be miserable for the rest of my life. When your wife leaves on a business trip and your life is so much easier while taking care of two small children by yourself, I knew it was bad. I figured that I was young enough to still find a partner and the kids were so young that they wouldn't be affected as much, and one day wouldn't know any different. So I pulled the trigger after knowing (three councelors), that we would never, ever be happy together. For me, it was important to know that I did absolutely everything in my power to stay married to this woman, but she was just miserable with me and made my life miserable as a result.

 

Fast forward to today, I have the kids 50/50 and an absolutely amazing relationship with my kids. I love them more than anything and they love me so much in return. We literally have the best time when it's daddy's half of the week. Professionally, I have had the best two years of my life (money wise). I had a few rebound relationships in the beginning, but earlier this year, I met the woman of my dreams. She is moving in soon with an engagement soon to follow. I have gone from a beaten down man who lived in fear and misery to the happiest I have ever been in my life.

 

Your kids should always be your first priority in life, but too many couples stay in unhealthy relationships for the sake of the kids. I guess the question is, is it better for your kids to be a miserable husband and wife, fight in front of the kids, etc. or is it better to be happy with yourself and have a loving and caring relationship with someone (not the mother) as an example for your children?

 

The ultimate reason why I decided to pull the trigger was because I literally couldn't imagine living the rest of my life with my wife. I would think about us being retired together and spending most of the days and nights together, and I just knew I would be miserable. That is no way for anyone to live.

 

Hey there-- again, thank you as well for your story. I guess my guy has not reached that level of unhappiness yet. I have to say, I think it is coming, just very slowly. He spent the last year trying to find me again (we had lost touch and he didnt have my contact info anymore). Despite years of therapy, he is obviously still not happy, enough to risk everything he has by talking to me again even though he knows his wife is on top of his every move, and she knows exactly who I am. She knows I have been the "one" he has been with all this time on and off, and she would be furious if she knew he had tracked me down again. He risks a lot just by talking to me, and yet he does it-- not for sex, but just to talk to me. He snuck out of work just to take me for coffee and spend three hours talking to me. Saying how much he missed just having conversatons with me. How he feels so alive just speaking to me.

 

His wife is not a bad person-- it seemed yours was a bit abusive in some respects. She is not. As I've said, I harbor her no ill will, and neither does he as far as her as a person. He has told me that he thinks she is smart, funny, kind, but what he stresses the most about her is that she is an amazing mother to his children. It always basically comes back to the same issue'' the children. Please believe, as I've said before, that I don't want to CONVINCE him of anything, I truly want him to just see what he basically tells me every day in not so many words. He's just so terrified about losing his children it's almost impossible for him to look ahead into the future and just envision himself in a happy relationship, with a good relationship with his kids even if he doesnt live in the same house as them full time anymore.

 

I wish I could make him see what I see so clearly after all these years but he's just resistent. I can see in his eyes a difference with how he speaks about his wife now than in the past. He used to tell me nice things about her-- but at the end of the day they have no spark. No passion for one another. They never did. He married her because she made him feel comfortable, like he was at home. He was very young. He has said, for the first time in a decade I've known him, that if he had to do it over again he would have not married her (children aside).

 

I just wish there was a way for me to express to him that divorce isn't the end of the world and the end of him being a good father. I just don't want to seem pushy about it, because I really do not want to convince him of anything. Just to help him see what he's already said to me in so many ways anyway. I just want him to connect the dots better because I can't sit and wait another decade and I find it a travesty that we are so in tune with one another and yet can't be together.

[KismetGirl]

Wow! Left the two of them, husband and wife, alone for 3 whole years? You're almost a saint.

 

At least be honest. You had an affair with him, it didn't work out and now you're back...for what? To help him, right? Not thinking of yourself at all?

 

If you're fortunate enough to find a (unmarried) partner, I wonder how much you'll appreciate that kind of "help" from another woman...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Look-- i realise that you are bitter because you are a BS. I get it. You're response to me is biased from the get go despite you not knowing me, not knowing this guy, or the situation.

 

I would like to reiterate, again, that I respected him and his wife enough to let them work on their marriage. I fully removed myself from the situation, I did not say a word to him for over three years. I never once in ten years asked him to leave her. I told him always to do what was best for him overall.

 

I did not come back after three years. HE found ME again. He spent a year asking various ex-mutual-coworkers of ours if they knew where I was, how to contact me, etc. I had moved out of the country, so it wasn't easy to track me down. He was in marriage counseling and therapy for THREE YEARS with her and still kept thinking of me, even though he know I was on the other side of the planet and that he'd likely never see me again even if he did manage to find a method of communiation to say hello.

 

I don't know your situation or why your wife cheated on you, but I assure you it was in no way due to her affair partner. SHE cheated on you. SHE is the one who had a responsibility to be honest with you. It was not her affair partners place, role, or anything else to concern himself with you. But I dont know your story and so I wont presume to know if you pushed her away, if you were a bad husband, or who was at fault. Maybe she sucks. Maybe she doesnt.

 

My point is, that yes, you know what-- Im a good person. Ive probably done a hell of a lot more in my life than you have to help people around this planet. have sacrificed a lot. Have literally saved people's lives.

 

My only morally questionable action that has ever been significant in my life was getting involved with a married man, and again-- not ONCE have I ever demanded he leave his wife or sacrifice his family time to be with me. I quite literally tortured myself for years by changing my work schedule to accomodate his lunch breaks to get moments here and there with him. In ten years I never once had an overnight with him because I thought he should sleep at home with his children. He is a good father. He and I engaged in this affair because at the end of the day we fell in love with one another. It wasn't a sex thing, though yes, we are adults and eventually that became a part of it (though to be honest, as well, much of our affair was purely emotional in nature...there were great periods of time where he was too guilty to have a physical relationship and we would just spend hours talking, having coffee, maybe holding hands and a few stolen kisses).

 

So, you know what, your sarcastic condescending commentary is unwarranted. You don't know me, him, or our situation, and I do not know yours. But I can assure you that you have no right or knowedgle by which to compare my situation to yours. Every situation is different. I'm sorry your life didn't work out the way you wanted, I sincerely am. I can only hope that at this point you can find someone who is well suited to you, because as much as you dont like it, if you are not with your wife anymore or she spent an inordinate amount of time cheating on you, then something in your realtionship was amiss and maybe she was not the right one for you.

 

She probably should have told you that and left you without cheating on you. But people are weak, and they are afraid of change, and I've never been married but I don't have to be to know how hard it would be to uproot a life made with someone.

 

So to answer your question, I am not "back". HE found me. I assume he has never forgotten about me despite over three years of no contact and marriage counseling with his wife, because in his heart he knows how he feels about her and how he feels about me. It is not a flippant, rushed, spontaneous decision. he has had 15 years with his wife to see how he feels about her. He has known me for a decade. We have gone through three years of NC, we have been through a year or two of no contact prior to that at various points. He has spent years in counseling trying to work on his marriage. And guess what? At the end of the day he keeps tracking me down and finding me. To be that indicates that in his heart he knows where he wants to be, but the reality of his situation and his fears of losing his children and the status quo of being a divorced man (eg- the stigma, the shame of his relatives probably asking why he would do such a thing because his wife is a very nice woman and they are not in his realtionship and would likely not undertstand why he is 'throwing it away'....when in reality he's been trying a long time to make himself happy in his marriage and it's obviously not bloody working)

 

I have NOTHING to do with his marriage. I am merely a symptom of the fact that his marriage is ill. You do not blame the sneeze for the development of the flu....the sickness was brewing inside a long time ago and the sneeze is just one sign of that. And yes, to answer your question, I have always supported him. I have told him multiple times to do what makes him happy, includind staying with his wife if she legitimately makes him happy. She does not.

 

If you think that two people who are not in love with each other should stay together even though the only thing that has resulted is an ever-increasing household tension, fighting, and unhappiness, then I feel sorry for your perceptions of what constitute a good marriage. I am single because I wish to avoid being in such a situation. I'm still young enough to not be desperate about whom I end up with and I hope that whoever that is makes me feel alive.

 

After I had coffee with him the other day for the first time in years, I got a text message at night before he went to bed saying that he felt alive and happy for the first time in years. That is very sad.

 

I am not your problem, and neither is your ex-wife's affair partner. We are but symptoms. I hope you find happiness again, if you have not already. I sincerely do. But if you haven't got anything to add that directly relates to the question i originally asked....then this thread is not for you, please. I'm trying to understand how men deal with divorce and the child situation. If you don't want to tell me how you dealt with it, that's your perogative. I really dont know why you bothered to respond except to give me a bitter and sarcastic response that was irrelevant to the question asked.

 

Have a lovely day.

[GirlStillStrong]

Wow! Left the two of them, husband and wife, alone for 3 whole years? You're almost a saint.

 

At least be honest. You had an affair with him, it didn't work out and now you're back...for what? To help him, right? Not thinking of yourself at all?

 

If you're fortunate enough to find a (unmarried) partner, I wonder how much you'll appreciate that kind of "help" from another woman...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Come on, now. It takes TWO people. Don't act like he doesn't play a part in it, that's unfair. Don't act like Kismet is the first person to have an affair with a married person. She didn't invent adultery, you know.

[KismetGirl]

And one more answer to Mr. Lucky's question that I almost forgot:

 

 

As to how I would feel if another woman wanted to "help" my husband (I will ignore your sarcasm for the time being).. If I were married and my husband cheated on me, I would not blame the other woman, for starters. If she was interjecting into my life by being a crazy lunatic that's one thing, but I assure you I am in no way Glenn Close's character, and I'm not killing any pet bunnies. If my husband met another woman and she made him question our rrelationship, I would hope that it happened fast enough so that if he is unhappy with me he either works on the marriage or gets the hell out. I certainly dont need anyone to stay with me out of pity. But you know what? I communicate. When I am with someone I do everything in my power to let them know if they are ever in any way unhappy, to let me know, and they've generally been very receptive and my relationships, when I do have them, are generally quite successful. I am friendly with all my exes. My break ups have normally been because at the end of the day we're just not meant to be. Which is ok. I am not married yet for the very reason that I am very careful about choosing who I end up with, because I've seen enough unhappy couples to know I want to avoid being there. I was asked to marry someone twice in my life and I turned them down because i didnt feel it was right, even if i was comfortable in the situation. I am now at an age where I know myself better, what I want, and I hope whomever I end up with feels the same way. Far too many people marry young. I am in my 30's and god knows ten years ago I was much different. I can't fathom having chosen the right life-long partner in my 20's. Ask any adult how much they changed personality wise and most people say from their 20's to 30's was a mindblowing maturity and development. In my opinion no one should get married before 30-- people would probably find much better suited partners. But that's another discussion for another day.

[GirlStillStrong]

Hey there-- again, thank you as well for your story. I guess my guy has not reached that level of unhappiness yet. I have to say, I think it is coming, just very slowly. He spent the last year trying to find me again (we had lost touch and he didnt have my contact info anymore). Despite years of therapy, he is obviously still not happy, enough to risk everything he has by talking to me again even though he knows his wife is on top of his every move, and she knows exactly who I am. She knows I have been the "one" he has been with all this time on and off, and she would be furious if she knew he had tracked me down again. He risks a lot just by talking to me, and yet he does it-- not for sex, but just to talk to me. He snuck out of work just to take me for coffee and spend three hours talking to me. Saying how much he missed just having conversatons with me. How he feels so alive just speaking to me.

 

His wife is not a bad person-- it seemed yours was a bit abusive in some respects. She is not. As I've said, I harbor her no ill will, and neither does he as far as her as a person. He has told me that he thinks she is smart, funny, kind, but what he stresses the most about her is that she is an amazing mother to his children. It always basically comes back to the same issue'' the children. Please believe, as I've said before, that I don't want to CONVINCE him of anything, I truly want him to just see what he basically tells me every day in not so many words. He's just so terrified about losing his children it's almost impossible for him to look ahead into the future and just envision himself in a happy relationship, with a good relationship with his kids even if he doesnt live in the same house as them full time anymore.

 

I wish I could make him see what I see so clearly after all these years but he's just resistent. I can see in his eyes a difference with how he speaks about his wife now than in the past. He used to tell me nice things about her-- but at the end of the day they have no spark. No passion for one another. They never did. He married her because she made him feel comfortable, like he was at home. He was very young. He has said, for the first time in a decade I've known him, that if he had to do it over again he would have not married her (children aside).

 

I just wish there was a way for me to express to him that divorce isn't the end of the world and the end of him being a good father. I just don't want to seem pushy about it, because I really do not want to convince him of anything. Just to help him see what he's already said to me in so many ways anyway. I just want him to connect the dots better because I can't sit and wait another decade and I find it a travesty that we are so in tune with one another and yet can't be together.

You might get more varied responses from posting to the OM/OW site here.

I hear what you're saying about all these things he is telling you but try to bear in mind that he may just be pulling your chain. Plus, it seems like you are playing the role of therapist, which is inadvisable. If he needs someone to talk to about his marital problems, there are professionals for that. You have a vested interest in the outcome, that much is clear, so for him to be discussing this stuff with you is questionable. Sorry, I don't trust him.

 

Regardless of the reason, he doesn't want to leave his wife. He may prefer to be "unhappy" as I bet he is living his life just the way he wants, all while telling you how miserable he is and how you and he are much better matched, blah blah blah. A man may be miserable in his marriage but if he doesn't do anything about his misery, he's just another guy cheating on his wife.

[KismetGirl]

Come on, now. It takes TWO people. Don't act like he doesn't play a part in it, that's unfair. Don't act like Kismet is the first person to have an affair with a married person. She didn't invent adultery, you know.

 

I'm not taking it personally. I can imagine he was quite hurt finding out his wife cheated on him. Im not entirely sure why he needs to bring his bitter sarcastic cynicism onto a thread and totally thread jack it, though. I asked a simple question of divorced fathers who wishes to share their stories, which he did not do, so his commentary is frankly incompatible with this thread and should be taken elsewhere.

 

But that's by the by. Thanks GirlStillStrong, for being logical :-) I would never have another affair again, but this happened and its been difficult for me to deal with and I'm just trying to understand the situation a bit better now that I've recconnected with him. Trying to understand why he keeps talking to me for so long-- even when there's no sex involved he can't seem to remove himself from my life.

[GirlStillStrong]

And one more answer to Mr. Lucky's question that I almost forgot:

 

 

As to how I would feel if another woman wanted to "help" my husband (I will ignore your sarcasm for the time being).. If I were married and my husband cheated on me, I would not blame the other woman, for starters. If she was interjecting into my life by being a crazy lunatic that's one thing, but I assure you I am in no way Glenn Close's character, and I'm not killing any pet bunnies. If my husband met another woman and she made him question our rrelationship, I would hope that it happened fast enough so that if he is unhappy with me he either works on the marriage or gets the hell out. I certainly dont need anyone to stay with me out of pity. But you know what? I communicate. When I am with someone I do everything in my power to let them know if they are ever in any way unhappy, to let me know, and they've generally been very receptive and my relationships, when I do have them, are generally quite successful. I am friendly with all my exes. My break ups have normally been because at the end of the day we're just not meant to be. Which is ok. I am not married yet for the very reason that I am very careful about choosing who I end up with, because I've seen enough unhappy couples to know I want to avoid being there. I was asked to marry someone twice in my life and I turned them down because i didnt feel it was right, even if i was comfortable in the situation. I am now at an age where I know myself better, what I want, and I hope whomever I end up with feels the same way. Far too many people marry young. I am in my 30's and god knows ten years ago I was much different. I can't fathom having chosen the right life-long partner in my 20's. Ask any adult how much they changed personality wise and most people say from their 20's to 30's was a mindblowing maturity and development. In my opinion no one should get married before 30-- people would probably find much better suited partners. But that's another discussion for another day.

 

I'm sure I sound crazy but I'd go so far as to say that 30 is even too young. I think closer to 40. But then, you're really getting too far past child-rearing age and having children is just so important to so many people. It's unfortunate that so many people get married, have kids, and then realize having kids is so much work and takes away so much from any relationship that ever existed.

[GirlStillStrong]

Sorry I got way off topic. Just wanted to put my two cents in

[xxoo]

I disagree that kids will notice their parents aren't in love. If they aren't fighting in front of the kids, kids really don't care about mom and dad's love life. They don't think of mom and dad romantically. I sure didn't.

 

Having the family together is HUGE. If they function as a family, the kids will lose that security for dad's love life. As a parent, I can understand his hesitancy (but not his cheating).

[GirlStillStrong]

I'm not taking it personally. I can imagine he was quite hurt finding out his wife cheated on him. Im not entirely sure why he needs to bring his bitter sarcastic cynicism onto a thread and totally thread jack it, though. I asked a simple question of divorced fathers who wishes to share their stories, which he did not do, so his commentary is frankly incompatible with this thread and should be taken elsewhere.

 

But that's by the by. Thanks GirlStillStrong, for being logical :-) I would never have another affair again, but this happened and its been difficult for me to deal with and I'm just trying to understand the situation a bit better now that I've recconnected with him. Trying to understand why he keeps talking to me for so long-- even when there's no sex involved he can't seem to remove himself from my life.

 

I'm in the same boat. He has pursued me relentlessly and will simply not go away. He says pretty much the same as what your's is saying, just kids are different ages. I've discovered it's a pretty common story, matching almost exactly word for word what he says and what your's has said to you.

 

From what I understand, sex is not the issue as so many people automatically think. It's the emotional attachment. They are seeking that emotional bond that is so strong in affairs. Sex actually FUELS the emotional attachment. Take the sex away and the bond still exists. I've also found that men are much less savvy when it comes to dealing with their feelings and emotions as women. It's apparently more difficult for them.

[Mr. Lucky]

My only morally questionable action that has ever been significant in my life was getting involved with a married man, and again-- not ONCE have I ever demanded he leave his wife or sacrifice his family time to be with me. I quite literally tortured myself for years by changing my work schedule to accomodate his lunch breaks to get moments here and there with him. In ten years I never once had an overnight with him because I thought he should sleep at home with his children.

 

We have more in common than you think. We both wasted 10 years of our lives in a relationship with someone that cared more about themselves than us. What you describe - having you spend a decade in the wings while he slept at home with his wife - isn't love, it's exploitation. Don't sign up for any more of it.

 

I will indeed bow out of your thread. Good luck...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

I disagree that kids will notice their parents aren't in love. If they aren't fighting in front of the kids, kids really don't care about mom and dad's love life. They don't think of mom and dad romantically. I sure didn't.

 

Having the family together is HUGE. If they function as a family, the kids will lose that security for dad's love life. As a parent, I can understand his hesitancy (but not his cheating).

 

SO true. As long as the kids are taken care of, they all do family outings, spend time together as a family unit, the kids aren't paying attention to hugs/kisses, and also depending on the kids ages, ALL kids once they reach a certain age are really grossed out when they see their folks kiss or be affectionate.

 

That "love but not in love" how does one define that? Comparing to what, affair passion vs marriage? This is why so many don't divorce because of the unknown...

 

And Kismet, there will be no divorce because they both are afraid of the unknown and being apart from their kids, having to share custody. They love one another still, maybe not passionately like they once did but I'm sure they sleep in the same bed, still talk and do stuff together. Remember you still may not be getting the 'real and full' truth here, you're not a fly on the wall in their house so you don't know their daily dynamic.

 

Not wanting to uproot and turn the kids lives upside down IS a reason not to divorce if he's happy enough. Who says you (general you) have to 'happy and in love' with your spouse all the time, 24/7?

 

He should confide in a therapist. Him confiding in you when you have invested interest, that may come back and bite you some day. Someone else said it that he could resent you. Let's say you give him advice to try a trial separation - He does that, moves out. What if there's a rule NO DATING others. Doesn't that still put you as the OW (if you choose to continue contact, whether it be a PA or an EA)? Then he decides to go home and stay married - Breaking your heart again as you'll get your hopes up all over again and be back to where you once were 3 years ago.

 

Just be careful, you're playing with fire. You were out of his life for a long time so don't believe every single thing he's telling you. I pray you have the strength to stay away..

[xxoo]

His marriage isn't enough for him, which is why he cheats. You help him keep the family together.

[Tayla]

I've followed this conversation and must say, Mr Lucky nailed it. And No I am not Bias.

 

Bottom line- You have no place in his current legal marriage.

 

As to him getting custody, that could happen. As to him dating other ladies, that can happen too. As to him moving on and cleaning up his moral barometer, that can happen as well. the possibilities are endless. ! Lets all hope he can find forgiveness by his children when they realize how He behaved, whether he removes himself from the marriage or not. The errors of one do seem to pass on and affact others.

[KismetGirl]

I disagree that kids will notice their parents aren't in love. If they aren't fighting in front of the kids, kids really don't care about mom and dad's love life. They don't think of mom and dad romantically. I sure didn't.

 

Having the family together is HUGE. If they function as a family, the kids will lose that security for dad's love life. As a parent, I can understand his hesitancy (but not his cheating).

 

They aren't fighting a lot in front of the kids, yet. But they are fighting more and more as time goes. The other night he was up half the night arguing with her. They had multiple days after arguments where they are cold and sort of distant though trying to put up a face in front of the kids. You think they can keep up this charade forever? i don't think so. It's only gotten worse as time goes. Kids are small now but eventually they will sense a lack of love there, even if they dont understand what that is at first.

 

I asked him the other day if he thought he could pull off this charade another 40 years of his life. His face told me a resounding no. His mouth said he didn't know. Kept saying the same thing over and over "I can't imagine a life where I don't see my kids everyday. I just don't know how I could not be there for them every day." He's trying to convince himself of one thing that his inner core seems to not believe is sustainable. Seems....sad.

 

Anyway this seems to be going off topic...was hoping to hear from more dads out there....

[xxoo]

 

I asked him the other day if he thought he could pull off this charade another 40 years of his life. His face told me a resounding no. His mouth said he didn't know. Kept saying the same thing over and over "I can't imagine a life where I don't see my kids everyday. I just don't know how I could not be there for them every day." He's trying to convince himself of one thing that his inner core seems to not believe is sustainable. Seems....sad.

.

 

That seems pretty clear. He wants to keep the family together.

 

Having a romantic marriage with kids is ideal, but far from the only successful family picture. Living faithfully in an unfulfilling marriage for the kids isn't a charade. It's being a dad first and foremost.