Question for the Divorced Fathers out there....how did you deal/decide?

[worlybear]

KismetGirl;6004223]THe OW isn't cheating. The OW is a single person with no responsibiity to the other parties.

 

 

I disagree. In my situation, we both worked with OW and she was well aware she was cheating with a married man and came to our house as MY friend!

 

 

 

I guess your husband is not too good at dealing with the repercussions of his actions. If he was, then he'd suck it up, stop wallowing in self-pity/guilt, act like a normal human being and have a relationship with his children, and deal with his sadness and guilt like a responsible person in therapy behind closed doors. if he is effing up his relationships with his children because he's so guilty -feeling that's because he is weak and selfish. That's it. You can't go back and change your actions, what's done is done, but he can certainly make right by then from that point out and if he's not doing it it's his own shortcomings and not just because there was an affair.

 

 

 

 

I agree with this.

 

 

 

 

You want to blame the OW for the hell you see as your life now?

 

 

 

Actually I'm in a good place and my life is not hell.

 

 

 

 

People divorce for many reasons and the ability of children to be happy despite it is entirely on how the two parents choose to act and deal with it.

 

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

 

I am sorry your life is not what you wished it to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My life has not turned out as expected but I repeat it is a good life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope your husband, or exhusband, mans up and stops doing the self-pity dance and takes responsibility for the situation at hand. I hope you choose to establish a good parental example for your children by never saying a bad word about your husband to your children, because all that will ever do is make them resent him AND you eventually.

 

 

 

Agreed.

 

 

I hope you find happiness.

 

 

 

I have.

 

 

My point though still stands that ALL partners in a relationship should bear some moral responsibility for their actions.(WS,BS and OW.)

 

 

We do not live in a vacuum and our actions will always impact on others such as family, children, friends and that must play some part in decision making.

 

 

I am genuinely interested as to the purpose of this thread as it seems as if you have resigned yourself to the fact that your OM will continue to dither and prevaricate about leaving and there will be no resolution one way or the other?

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's it.

[LifesontheUp]

this has been discussed ad nauseum. Why do people act as if its so easy to just get a divorce and bugger off? The man has a house, 15 years od relationships with not only his wife but their in-laws, mutual friends, etc, three small children....divorce is taxing emotionally, socially, financially....why would anyone think that he can just say "well i love you so ill get divorced, no biggie"

 

I can understand that, why cant anyone else??

 

The statistics don't stack up with what you are saying. People are divorcing every day, after many years or marriage or fewer, with kids and without.

 

Its clear he is looking only for an affair or otherwise he would have left. Excuses excuses.................................

[LifeNomad]

thank you for this thread! will be reading all the replies later.

 

im a dad going thru it, and my kids staying with their mom, although I see them several times a week, it breaks me everytime, they still ask if they can come home, my oldest is 10 and she still thinks we will all live together someday.

 

I feel like im a part time dad, I feel like im not raising them, I want to see them go to sleep, wake them up, do the day to day things, they are the only reason I break down.

 

 

im still going thru it so I don't know how it will turn out, but I have broken down and asked the ex to come back, to which she doesn't want to, and im glad, im so glad shes stronger than I am.

 

However when I think about my kids, it kills me. I feel like im not the dad im supposed to be, if it was up to me, id stay with their mom till they are at least 18 and hopefully can take care of themselves. If always promised myself I would be their for them, and even if it meant being unhappy in this life, maybe in the next I could make up for it.

 

 

We still haven't officially started the child support, and I have given it thought to fighting for custody, but I don't know If I can do that to her, as I know shes a good mom. I know it would be probably in my favor as shes the one that left and is currently living at her parents.

Edited November 17, 2014 by LifeNomad

[KismetGirl]

KismetGirl;6004223]

 

 

I am genuinely interested as to the purpose of this thread as it seems as if you have resigned yourself to the fact that your OM will continue to dither and prevaricate about leaving and there will be no resolution one way or the other?

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's it.

 

That's true-- let me step back and say my actions aren't in a vacuum. I don't think that I'm special enough to have made MM cheat, but maybe I was just the right catalyst. At the right place at the right time (or wrong and wrong, as it were.)

 

i suppose i started this thread because I really was trying to get a look into how men view divorce, particularly with respect to the child factor.

 

It seems to me that this is often a signifcant deterrant for many in why they choose to stay married.....or maybe just a convenient excuse to not have to make a decision? Who knows.

 

Maybe inwardly I still love him a lot despite knowing that in my heart he's never going to change and I'm just trying to understand as much as I can. I suppose sometimes understanding all angles helps to take some of the desperation and sadness out of it.

 

Of all the men I've been involved with in my life, he's had the biggest impact. I've always felt like it was some kind of cruel joke fate kept playing on me. At first I thought I was being punished-- sleeping with a married man and dealing with 5+ years of the hell of sneaking around and feeling second-best to his wife and family. It took a massive toll on me mentally , for a long time I was devasted (you couldnt possibly have time to read prior posts of mine going nearly a decade back but trust me, when I read some of them my heart almost broke all over again....i could feel my misery coming off the page. They were dark days)

 

Then I stopped talking to him for three years and I felt almost free. I did think about him once in a while, of course, but I didnt feel so devastated by thoughts of him. I could think about him without crying.

 

And so I thought, maybe karma will have pity on me now. Now I'm doing the right thing. But it didnt. Because karma, fate, kismet....nothing exists. After three years of pushing him away from my life, he tracks me down on a complete whim, in a completely random way, from half way around the world. Pushes himself back into my life and my mind and heart until I am left wondering if I'll ever find a normal, single man who I matched with in all the ways I matched with him.

 

So maybe I wanted to understand how he could stay in a situation that he was obviously unhappy with for so long, that he would still try to find me from across an ocean ten years later, knowing how intense our interaction was, knowing how his wife would kill him if she found out, knowing knowing knowing.

 

Maybe I'll never get any answers that make me feel better in the end. Maybe I'm doomed. I both love him and hate him. Immensely.

[GirlStillStrong]

I know. I understand. It sucks, I'm sorry.

[KismetGirl]

thank you for this thread! will be reading all the replies later.

 

im a dad going thru it, and my kids staying with their mom, although I see them several times a week, it breaks me everytime, they still ask if they can come home, my oldest is 10 and she still thinks we will all live together someday.

 

I feel like im a part time dad, I feel like im not raising them, I want to see them go to sleep, wake them up, do the day to day things, they are the only reason I break down.

 

 

im still going thru it so I don't know how it will turn out, but I have broken down and asked the ex to come back, to which she doesn't want to, and im glad, im so glad shes stronger than I am.

 

However when I think about my kids, it kills me. I feel like im not the dad im supposed to be, if it was up to me, id stay with their mom till they are at least 18 and hopefully can take care of themselves. If always promised myself I would be their for them, and even if it meant being unhappy in this life, maybe in the next I could make up for it.

 

 

We still haven't officially started the child support, and I have given it thought to fighting for custody, but I don't know If I can do that to her, as I know shes a good mom. I know it would be probably in my favor as shes the one that left and is currently living at her parents.

 

LifeNomad,

 

thank you so much for your answer, it was much appreciated. Unfortunately the majority of this thread went way off topic into my personal OW status and my relationship with my Married man, however, you'll find a few dads did end up responding along the way. I hope you will see you are not alone, and that I think most people at the end of the day find a way to make it work.

 

I imagine it must be difficult to feel you are being a part-time father. It must be heartbreaking to field questions from a ten year old who doesnt understand why you are living apart all of a sudden. I can only imagine.

 

Do you think that, despite the difficulty right now, that divorce is ultimately the best thing? I imagine at the end of the day you are not happy being in a relationship with your wife (though you seem to respect her as a mother and partner otherwise, which is good). I suppose its hard for me to imagine what its like to have to choose between being in the same house as your kids, and relegating yourself to not finding personal romantic happiness. It's not selfish to want to be happy personally but it is difficult to find that balance I suppose.

 

I think that, if you and your wife remain amicable, friendly, and both take an active role in your kids lives, you will be ok. There are many children in divorced households these days and I think the relationship and maturity of the parents with respect to how they choose to share custody is what makes or breaks ther elationship you end up having with your children.

 

As for custody, I suppose you need to do what is best for you, which involves having an indepth yet frank discussion with your wife on how important it is to have equal time with the children. It is the worst possible thing you can do to ever let your kids see you fight or dislike each other-- kids pick up on this very easily. I think the reason I maintained a good relationship with my parents equally is that my mother not only said nice things about our father but actively encouraged us to spend equal time with him. She was a great woman in that regard. I see many other moms use their children in a spiteful manner to get back at their exes.

 

if you can maintain a friendly relationship with their mother then the rest will hopefully fall into place, though that doesnt mean it couldnt hurt to legally have a document stating you have shared custody. It might be something you should discuss with a lawyer as far as legality/process, but with your wife amicably. Im sure if she is a good person she'd understand how important it is to you to be full involved in your kids lives as much as possible. Perhaps you can figure out how to live very near each other if finances allow, so much so that you cna walk back and forth between your houses.

 

I hope you figure out a good solution. I wish my MM could find a way to do the same but I dont think it will ever happen sometimes.

[whichwayisup]

After three years of pushing him away from my life, he tracks me down on a complete whim, in a completely random way, from half way around the world. Pushes himself back into my life and my mind and heart until I am left wondering if I'll ever find a normal, single man who I matched with in all the ways I matched with him.

 

You will but you gotta push him away and out of your life. Sure he 'found' you again after 3 years, but you let him in very quickly without taking time to really think it through. You reacted and now here we are.

 

You will find someone else that you can fall in love with, have children and build a great life with an amazing guy. You won't if exMM is a presence in your life.

[KismetGirl]

You will but you gotta push him away and out of your life. Sure he 'found' you again after 3 years, but you let him in very quickly without taking time to really think it through. You reacted and now here we are.

 

You will find someone else that you can fall in love with, have children and build a great life with an amazing guy. You won't if exMM is a presence in your life.

 

See my other thread in OW forum...

[dichotomy]

KismetGirl, when a man is unhappy in his marriage he will leave. Kids will always be his kids. I will admit that my kids (fear of not seeing them everyday, or another man playing a role in their lives) kept me in my marriage for about 6 extra months MONTHS not 10 freaking years. Nah, your buying his goods and its snake oil.

 

 

Perhaps I should change my name to snake oil.

 

It happens DKT3. Plenty of people - stay unhappy in marriages for many reasons. My own sisters have never been happy with there husbands, and stayed for family, money and other reasons.

 

OP's MM could be unhappy/unsatisfied with his wife specifically but other wise okay/happy with his situation. In this case a long term mistress is just the crutch needed.

Edited November 18, 2014 by dichotomy

[LifeNomad]

LifeNomad,

 

thank you so much for your answer, it was much appreciated. Unfortunately the majority of this thread went way off topic into my personal OW status and my relationship with my Married man, however, you'll find a few dads did end up responding along the way. I hope you will see you are not alone, and that I think most people at the end of the day find a way to make it work.

 

I imagine it must be difficult to feel you are being a part-time father. It must be heartbreaking to field questions from a ten year old who doesnt understand why you are living apart all of a sudden. I can only imagine.

 

Do you think that, despite the difficulty right now, that divorce is ultimately the best thing? I imagine at the end of the day you are not happy being in a relationship with your wife (though you seem to respect her as a mother and partner otherwise, which is good). I suppose its hard for me to imagine what its like to have to choose between being in the same house as your kids, and relegating yourself to not finding personal romantic happiness. It's not selfish to want to be happy personally but it is difficult to find that balance I suppose.

 

I think that, if you and your wife remain amicable, friendly, and both take an active role in your kids lives, you will be ok. There are many children in divorced households these days and I think the relationship and maturity of the parents with respect to how they choose to share custody is what makes or breaks ther elationship you end up having with your children.

 

As for custody, I suppose you need to do what is best for you, which involves having an indepth yet frank discussion with your wife on how important it is to have equal time with the children. It is the worst possible thing you can do to ever let your kids see you fight or dislike each other-- kids pick up on this very easily. I think the reason I maintained a good relationship with my parents equally is that my mother not only said nice things about our father but actively encouraged us to spend equal time with him. She was a great woman in that regard. I see many other moms use their children in a spiteful manner to get back at their exes.

 

if you can maintain a friendly relationship with their mother then the rest will hopefully fall into place, though that doesnt mean it couldnt hurt to legally have a document stating you have shared custody. It might be something you should discuss with a lawyer as far as legality/process, but with your wife amicably. Im sure if she is a good person she'd understand how important it is to you to be full involved in your kids lives as much as possible. Perhaps you can figure out how to live very near each other if finances allow, so much so that you cna walk back and forth between your houses.

 

I hope you figure out a good solution. I wish my MM could find a way to do the same but I dont think it will ever happen sometimes.

 

 

Thanks for your reply, I know a lot of people say nobody should stay together because of the kids, but im one of the one that thinks its a good enough reason. I mean I helped bring them into the world, I feel like its my responsibility to be there, with them thru the aches and pains of life.

 

 

Maybe its just the idea, I want them to have both parents, I remember growing up I had some close friends whos parents had divorced, and they would always talk about their dad, their dad this, their dad that, their dad was going to buy them things, do things for them, they would always talk about their dads, but I would never see their dads, and neither would theym the things they would say never actually would happen. Thru jr high, high school, it stayed that way.

 

 

I understand not everyone feels this way, and happiness should come first. everyone is different, I would not have had mistress, I would not string someone along while I have a family at home

Edited November 18, 2014 by LifeNomad

[whichwayisup]

See my other thread in OW forum...

 

Just did. He's a piece of work! Hugs to you Kismet..

[LifesontheUp]

Perhaps I should change my name to snake oil.

 

It happens DKT3. Plenty of people - stay unhappy in marriages for many reasons. My own sisters have never been happy with there husbands, and stayed for family, money and other reasons.

 

OP's MM could be unhappy/unsatisfied with his wife specifically but other wise okay/happy with his situation. In this case a long term mistress is just the crutch needed.

 

And when that "crutch" is removed he has a number of choices. Stay married, stay married and go to counselling with the wife, get another mistress, or go after the "crutch".

 

Like I said previously, and I don't mean it badly about KG but the want of the "crutch" wasn't enough to make this MM leave. However, there are plenty of others that do and will leave.

 

The thing here is that this particular MM didn't and I don't think you will ever get the honest answer from him. Or perhaps you did, as didn't I read he tried to get an OW? If that's the case, then it looks like he'll never leave the wife, he just likes the addition of a "crutch". IMO.

[KismetGirl]

Thanks for your reply, I know a lot of people say nobody should stay together because of the kids, but im one of the one that thinks its a good enough reason. I mean I helped bring them into the world, I feel like its my responsibility to be there, with them thru the aches and pains of life.

 

 

Maybe its just the idea, I want them to have both parents, I remember growing up I had some close friends whos parents had divorced, and they would always talk about their dad, their dad this, their dad that, their dad was going to buy them things, do things for them, they would always talk about their dads, but I would never see their dads, and neither would theym the things they would say never actually would happen. Thru jr high, high school, it stayed that way.

 

 

I understand not everyone feels this way, and happiness should come first. everyone is different, I would not have had mistress, I would not string someone along while I have a family at home

 

Then you are a bigger man than many, even if you DO end up divorcing, your kids will be ok in the end if you maintain an ever present role in thier lives. But Im glad you would never resort to stringing someone else along while you figure your life out.

 

As I posted on another board, I just found out yesterday from this man that after not having any kids for a long time his wife "accidentally" got pregnant again. She's two months in. He claims he's miserable about it and didn't want it but at the end of the day I've managed to go my entire adult life without "accidentally" getting pregnant so I see no reason why they are pregnant now if he didnt want it. Maybe his wife thought having another baby would save the marriage but that doesnt absolve him at all-- no one put a gun to his head and made him have sex with her now did they.

 

It's all bollocks.

[xxoo]

 

It's all bollocks.

 

Yep, bollocks.

 

His life, his problems. He reaches out to you to soothe him and make his life more bearable. Ultimately, he uses you. You don't have to let him.

[whichwayisup]

Then you are a bigger man than many, even if you DO end up divorcing, your kids will be ok in the end if you maintain an ever present role in thier lives. But Im glad you would never resort to stringing someone else along while you figure your life out.

 

As I posted on another board, I just found out yesterday from this man that after not having any kids for a long time his wife "accidentally" got pregnant again. She's two months in. He claims he's miserable about it and didn't want it but at the end of the day I've managed to go my entire adult life without "accidentally" getting pregnant so I see no reason why they are pregnant now if he didnt want it. Maybe his wife thought having another baby would save the marriage but that doesnt absolve him at all-- no one put a gun to his head and made him have sex with her now did they.

 

It's all bollocks.

 

See the thing is, you do not know if pretending to be miserable about it.

If they didn't want any more kids, why no protection? He is still having sex with her so she can't be that awful. He's omitted stuff from you, he's manipulated you once again. Please, doubt 'his truth' and see the big picture here. Regardless if he's happy about her pregnancy or not, he WILL be a dad to their child which means he's not leaving, ever.

 

Bolded part: Don't assume about her. You know nothing, only what he's told you and that now is questionable since he originally reached out to you under the guise that he and his wife were talking divorce. Why on earth would he "omit" the fact his wife was pregnant? I really REALLY doubt he "just" found out in the past few days since he's been talking to you. He knew about it before he contacted you.

[whichwayisup]

Yep, bollocks.

 

His life, his problems. He reaches out to you to soothe him and make his life more bearable. Ultimately, he uses you. You don't have to let him.

 

Yup, I believe that he roped you in (tested the waters), pushed a bit more, got you to cave and meet him in person since he knows you were still 'into' him after 3 years of NC and years before of real shi.tty treatment. He's got balls. What an ass.

[LifesontheUp]

Then you are a bigger man than many, even if you DO end up divorcing, your kids will be ok in the end if you maintain an ever present role in thier lives. But Im glad you would never resort to stringing someone else along while you figure your life out.

 

As I posted on another board, I just found out yesterday from this man that after not having any kids for a long time his wife "accidentally" got pregnant again. She's two months in. He claims he's miserable about it and didn't want it but at the end of the day I've managed to go my entire adult life without "accidentally" getting pregnant so I see no reason why they are pregnant now if he didnt want it. Maybe his wife thought having another baby would save the marriage but that doesnt absolve him at all-- no one put a gun to his head and made him have sex with her now did they.

 

It's all bollocks.

 

Not that its much consolation, but at least this time he didn't sucker you all the way back in. Yes, I would imagine it hurts, but you get to see what the real him is and can block and move on with your life.

 

Wish you luck.

[thefooloftheyear]

Here is the thing....And this is likely how most guys think....and why women cant relate to it....

 

IME, Most guys will look at a situation and carefully weigh the consequences...Women often act swiftly and emotionally and dont get too introspective or pragmatic about it....And this isnt an "us vs them" mentality, its just the way the genders are wired...

 

A guy will look at a situation..."I have a nice home, my finances are stable, my family is stable, I adore my kids, etc... We(him and wife) may not get along, but aren't throwing dinner plates across the dining room or having screaming matches"...Its just a deep disconnect..Heck, for all anyone knows the guy doesnt want to put his wife in harms way, even if the romance ship has sailed...

 

And so what if he divorces..? Well...The whole world is turned upside down..He'll take a hit in every aspect of his life, finances, stability, access to kids, etc..He will have the shame of his peers and family..Go from a nice home to a tiny apartment, ..and on and on...

 

So, will all that be worth it, if he finds a better mate? Heck, even if he finds a perfect mate, his life still may be worse than before...There is no guarantee of happiness after a divorce...

 

So then it becomes the "lesser of two evils", as they say...Stay married and find someone else to be the "filler" or "band aid", or blow your life apart...As long as there are a steady supply of Band Aids, then most guys might go that route...

 

Its all about choices...If an OW/OM knows the person is married, then they need to decide if a "half a loaf" is going to be enough....More than not, thats all you are going to get...if that...

 

Be well

 

TFY

Edited November 19, 2014 by thefooloftheyear

[GirlStillStrong]

Yep, bollocks.

 

His life, his problems. He reaches out to you to soothe him and make his life more bearable. Ultimately, he uses you. You don't have to let him.

 

I agree with XXOO. I didn't have any unhappy MM issues until MM brought them into my life. I've learned that when I let unhappy people who are not grateful for what they have into my life, I also become unhappy and lose sight of what I have, because I'm so focused on the trouble they bring.

 

I really need to be more selective...

[KismetGirl]

Here is the thing....And this is likely how most guys think....and why women cant relate to it....

 

IME, Most guys will look at a situation and carefully weigh the consequences...Women often act swiftly and emotionally and dont get too introspective or pragmatic about it....And this isnt an "us vs them" mentality, its just the way the genders are wired...

 

A guy will look at a situation..."I have a nice home, my finances are stable, my family is stable, I adore my kids, etc... We(him and wife) may not get along, but aren't throwing dinner plates across the dining room or having screaming matches"...Its just a deep disconnect..Heck, for all anyone knows the guy doesnt want to put his wife in harms way, even if the romance ship has sailed...

 

And so what if he divorces..? Well...The whole world is turned upside down..He'll take a hit in every aspect of his life, finances, stability, access to kids, etc..He will have the shame of his peers and family..Go from a nice home to a tiny apartment, ..and on and on...

 

So, will all that be worth it, if he finds a better mate? Heck, even if he finds a perfect mate, his life still may be worse than before...There is no guarantee of happiness after a divorce...

 

So then it becomes the "lesser of two evils", as they say...Stay married and find someone else to be the "filler" or "band aid", or blow your life apart...As long as there are a steady supply of Band Aids, then most guys might go that route...

 

Its all about choices...If an OW/OM knows the person is married, then they need to decide if a "half a loaf" is going to be enough....More than not, thats all you are going to get...if that...

 

Be well

 

TFY

 

This.

 

This is pretty much it. His life is not miserable enough to take the public shame, the hit to financial status, the loss of a nice home, in lieu of the "what if relationship". EVen if after a decade of knowing me he thinks we'd be happy together, it's just not worth it pragmatically. And again, it's not like he hates his wife. She's a good person, a nice woman, a great mother-- essentially she's a great friend that he has a mediocre sex life with and no romantic or passionate interest in. Certainly not enough to make him run screaming for the hills and turn his life upside down.

 

Do they fight more these days? Yes (so he says). The tension is there a lot, she doesnt trust him anymore (with good reason) and frankly you can't have a normal relationship once trust is out the window anyway. They are disconnected and don't see eye to eye on relationships. They are not a good match, romantically. But, they share three (almost four...) children together, a house, mutual family and friends, finances , and the only thing he'll get if he gets divorced is the hatred of everyone around him for leaving his wife and children.

 

I'm not sure I would be able to leave my husband and children if I was in his position. Not unless I was extremely unhappy. I guess it's just once you make your bed....