Question for the Divorced Fathers out there....how did you deal/decide?

[KismetGirl]

That seems pretty clear. He wants to keep the family together.

 

Having a romantic marriage with kids is ideal, but far from the only successful family picture. Living faithfully in an unfulfilling marriage for the kids isn't a charade. It's being a dad first and foremost.

 

Actually it is being a charade. It's a charade while being a father.

 

Spending 70 years with a woman you resent more and more every day, as he seems to have been doing the last ten years, seems hardly the ideal life. Plenty of people get divorced and live happily. He's scared of taking that step.

 

he's unhappy. He used to lie and say he was happy when I asked in the past, even when we were having an affair. He used to tell me he's happy at home, just "missing a bit of spark". Trust me when I say he never tried to give me some Bulls**t about how he's so in love with me and so miserable at home and hates his wife, he used to tell me he was pretty happy at home. He doesn't even do that anymore. Now when I ask if he is happy his answer is "this is the happiest I've felt in three years" (eg- spending time with me again). Not seeing his kids would make him unhappy, or at least the thought of it does. Not seeing his wife again does not make him unhappy. Though of course he thinks she is a great mother, he is very adamant about that.

 

He is balanced between how unhappy he is going home to his wife, with how much he loves his kids and seeing them.

 

I would hardly call that a happy life. I think it is pathetic. My parents divorced and as an adult looking back, they should have done it earlier. Just like this guy and his wife, my parents started out "hiding" it from us and as years went it was harder and harder, they fought more and more until it was evident when i was a teenager just how unhappy they were. They are much happier now with their new spouses, and as an adult all I want for my parents is to be happy. I don't understand this reason that all parents are meant to be masochistic martyrs. Yes, he married her because he was comfortable and thought it was the right thing to do, but obviously, other than having children together, their union was ill-conceived. I see no reason why anyone should spend their entire lives with someone if they are unhappy. Just my opinion. you dont have to agree.

[tippydog90]

If he keeps saying how he cannot imagine not seeing his children every day and being there for them, then it is pretty clear he doesn't want to leave and his children truly matter to him. That is how it should be. Otherwise, it would seem he would have left years ago. Perhaps his wife's knowledge of you is what has fueled most of the conflict between them, i cannot imagine that his affair wouldn't have devastated her. I think the morally right thing for you to do is sever all contact with this man and let him be there for his kids. Should he leave his family for you, don't be surprised if over time he begins to resent you for what he perceives you took away from him. My husband just walked out on my 3 year old daughter and me so he could "have his freedom". It has been the most devastating thing that ever happened to me and i hate him for what he has done to his innocent little girl. Please do not be a party to that happening to another family. Do the right thing, bow out. Let him stay with his family, which is apparently where he wants to be, and should be. Should he decide to leave his wife in a few years, after you are out of the picture, and he finds you again, then at that time perhaps you and he could then have a relationship. But it is wrong for so many reasons for you to be involved with him. If he was going to leave, it appears as though he would have done so by now.

[xxoo]

They don't need to spend 70 years together. Just until the kids are grown. I'm not defending that approach, but explaining the mindset.

 

I know a lot of parents. Some divorced parents just don't date at all until their kids are older. For most parents, romantic love IS secondary to stability for the kids. Happiness need not be dependent on romantic love.

[KismetGirl]

If he keeps saying how he cannot imagine not seeing his children every day and being there for them, then it is pretty clear he doesn't want to leave and his children truly matter to him. That is how it should be. Otherwise, it would seem he would have left years ago. Perhaps his wife's knowledge of you is what has fueled most of the conflict between them, i cannot imagine that his affair wouldn't have devastated her. I think the morally right thing for you to do is sever all contact with this man and let him be there for his kids. Should he leave his family for you, don't be surprised if over time he begins to resent you for what he perceives you took away from him. My husband just walked out on my 3 year old daughter and me so he could "have his freedom". It has been the most devastating thing that ever happened to me and i hate him for what he has done to his innocent little girl. Please do not be a party to that happening to another family. Do the right thing, bow out. Let him stay with his family, which is apparently where he wants to be, and should be. Should he decide to leave his wife in a few years, after you are out of the picture, and he finds you again, then at that time perhaps you and he could then have a relationship. But it is wrong for so many reasons for you to be involved with him. If he was going to leave, it appears as though he would have done so by now.

 

Again...I did bow out. More than once. For anywhere from 1-3 years at a time. HE keeps finding ME again. I am never the one to reconnect with him. He has gone out of his way to find me/track me down and establish contact every time I disappear from his life. I have no doubt his marriage will fall apart, just a matter of soon or in 15 years when the kids are grown up. Every time I see him he is more unhappy and more verbally indicative of his disatisfaction with his personal life. The only constant is his fear of losing children. I don't think that's enough to sustain a lifetime of marriage, but I suppose that fear may sustain him sticking around until they are at least 18 years old or so. Which, in my opinion, is supinely sad. I would never want my husband to stay married to me out of pity and fear I'll take his kids away from him. What a horrible way to live.

 

Anyway i didnt come here to discuss my relationship with him, its off topic.

 

Just wanted to get , as I've said ad nauseum, insight from the dads around here on their situations....

[KismetGirl]

They don't need to spend 70 years together. Just until the kids are grown. I'm not defending that approach, but explaining the mindset.

 

I know a lot of parents. Some divorced parents just don't date at all until their kids are older. For most parents, romantic love IS secondary to stability for the kids. Happiness need not be dependent on romantic love.

 

Youre' fooling yourslf if you think that true happiness for most people has nothing to do with having a happy relationship.

 

I understand the mindset, i dont claim not to.

 

The parents who dont date until their kids are older are fools. My aunt divorced and stayed single purposefully for years, afraid her son wouldnt like her dating men. Her son could have cared less unless his mother was happy. Now she's 60 and alone and miserable that she has no one. It gets harder to find companionship as you get older.

 

People can be content focusing their efforts on their kids but that doesnt make them happy. Just choosing what they believe to be the easier path of least resistance.

 

One day those kids will grow up, and man and wife will be forced to live alone , resentful of each other. That's the direction this couple is going. I've watched him become more unhappy for a decade. Trust when I say the way he talks about things has progressed negatively since I met him. I've no doubt their home life is getting worse as far as their personal relationship.

 

He should do what makes him happiest, im just trying to understand him. Im leaving the country in two months. When I come back in a couple years if he's single and I'm single, great. Im not sitting around waiting for him right now. I'm not putting my career efforts overseas on hold. Im just trying to understand him.

 

HE is the one who after ten years keeps tracking me down despite his wife's threats to leave him, make him miserable, monitoring his every move, and yet he keeps risking everything just to TALK to me, when I have been half a planet away. Those to me are not the actions of a man content with life and the status quo of what he has right now. His words say he can handle life if he has his kids in his home. His actions tell me he is teetering on the bring and not happy at all. Just merely content that he at least has his kids.

 

Anyway.

[thefooloftheyear]

I am 35 , two kids (4&7) and divorced for almost two years now. My divorce has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. I was "the victim" in my marriage and literally had to walk on eggshells every second of every day around my wife. My mission when I got home every night was to do everything in my power not to get yelled at or treated like absolute garbage. Nobody is perfect, but seriously, I was a caring and loving husband, a great provider financially and a great father. Long story short, she wanted a divorce for years, we saw three different councelors, and finally one day it hit me that I need to get out of this relationship or I will be miserable for the rest of my life. When your wife leaves on a business trip and your life is so much easier while taking care of two small children by yourself, I knew it was bad. I figured that I was young enough to still find a partner and the kids were so young that they wouldn't be affected as much, and one day wouldn't know any different. So I pulled the trigger after knowing (three councelors), that we would never, ever be happy together. For me, it was important to know that I did absolutely everything in my power to stay married to this woman, but she was just miserable with me and made my life miserable as a result.

 

Fast forward to today, I have the kids 50/50 and an absolutely amazing relationship with my kids. I love them more than anything and they love me so much in return. We literally have the best time when it's daddy's half of the week. Professionally, I have had the best two years of my life (money wise). I had a few rebound relationships in the beginning, but earlier this year, I met the woman of my dreams. She is moving in soon with an engagement soon to follow. I have gone from a beaten down man who lived in fear and misery to the happiest I have ever been in my life.

 

Your kids should always be your first priority in life, but too many couples stay in unhealthy relationships for the sake of the kids. I guess the question is, is it better for your kids to be a miserable husband and wife, fight in front of the kids, etc. or is it better to be happy with yourself and have a loving and caring relationship with someone (not the mother) as an example for your children?

 

The ultimate reason why I decided to pull the trigger was because I literally couldn't imagine living the rest of my life with my wife. I would think about us being retired together and spending most of the days and nights together, and I just knew I would be miserable. That is no way for anyone to live.

 

I'm not judging your decision, but I bet if you asked the children that question, they would probably either tell you what you dont want to hear, or lie about it so you dont feel as bad....

 

If you are honest, I am sure you put yourself first...And thats fine...There are many others that will put aside differences and not turn the lives of their little children upside down..And they will call that putting their children first...

 

TFY

[KismetGirl]

I'm not judging your decision, but I bet if you asked the children that question, they would probably either tell you what you dont want to hear, or lie about it so you dont feel as bad....

 

If you are honest, I am sure you put yourself first...And thats fine...There are many others that will put aside differences and not turn the lives of their little children upside down..And they will call that putting their children first...

 

TFY

 

This is an unfair statement to make to him. I can only assume by your screename you have been hurt by someone leaving you and your children. Either that or this is your preconceived notion of the ideal.

 

many people have indicated they are happier after divorce. he is not the first.

 

unhappy parents do not make the best parents, eventually children will see they are unhappy.

 

i am a product of divorced parents and i was unhappy as a 12 year old when they started to seperate, but i am a happy and healthy adult , successful, and am very happy my parents found people who make them happy. Would it be cool to have my parents together today? Sure. But it was not meant to be and i dont fault them for it.

 

Everything happens for a reason. This guy says he tried for several years to make it work with his wife and it didnt work. This guy im talking to has been trying to make it work for 15 years and counting and continues to steadily become less happy with himself, losing confidence, hates going to sleep next to his wife, argues constantly. He should have left before he had all his children. His most selfish act is continuing to stay married when he should have left a long time ago.

 

I dont think its fair to tell someone they ruined their kids life because they left. If they really sincerely tried and it just didnt work, you dont think people deserve to be happy individually? Or should everyone martyr themselves and be miserable forever? Its one thing to be married six months and peace out without so much as a real conversation. This guy said he tried for four years to decide the right thing. My guy has been married 15 years and doing marriage counseling for over three and individual therapy and is still unhappy. He fights more and more with his wife as time goes. I think it is ludicrous to say the only happy family unit is one in which parents are married, and to hell with whether the married couple is actually happy or not so long as they are all in one big unhappy household together.

[xxoo]

kismet, it isn't about should or what anyone here thinks.

 

It is about what the man in question wants and thinks. He wants you, and he wants to keep his family together. It doesn't matter how other men wanted to divorce and decided. What would you do with that information? Tell him how other men felt differently from him?

 

Many, many people choose to stay together until the kids are older and out, and that isn't any more shocking that someone who chooses to divorce when the kids are small. Both kind of suck, but that's life. It's a tough call for a parent, and if the kids feel secure in the family unit, that's going to be a difficult boat to rock for personal gratification. The number of personal things I've sacrificed to parenting is impossible to quantify, still it is worth it.

[thefooloftheyear]

This is an unfair statement to make to him. I can only assume by your screename you have been hurt by someone leaving you and your children. Either that or this is your preconceived notion of the ideal.

 

many people have indicated they are happier after divorce. he is not the first.

 

unhappy parents do not make the best parents, eventually children will see they are unhappy.

 

i am a product of divorced parents and i was unhappy as a 12 year old when they started to seperate, but i am a happy and healthy adult , successful, and am very happy my parents found people who make them happy. Would it be cool to have my parents together today? Sure. But it was not meant to be and i dont fault them for it.

 

Everything happens for a reason. This guy says he tried for several years to make it work with his wife and it didnt work. This guy im talking to has been trying to make it work for 15 years and counting and continues to steadily become less happy with himself, losing confidence, hates going to sleep next to his wife, argues constantly. He should have left before he had all his children. His most selfish act is continuing to stay married when he should have left a long time ago.

 

I dont think its fair to tell someone they ruined their kids life because they left. If they really sincerely tried and it just didnt work, you dont think people deserve to be happy individually? Or should everyone martyr themselves and be miserable forever? Its one thing to be married six months and peace out without so much as a real conversation. This guy said he tried for four years to decide the right thing. My guy has been married 15 years and doing marriage counseling for over three and individual therapy and is still unhappy. He fights more and more with his wife as time goes. I think it is ludicrous to say the only happy family unit is one in which parents are married, and to hell with whether the married couple is actually happy or not so long as they are all in one big unhappy household together.

 

if you bothered to read the post:rolleyes:, you will see that I didnt judge him...

 

Youre wrong.....My username means I was the dope that made a huge mistake and let my family down....And I will regret it for as long as I live...It didnt have to be that way...

 

 

All I am saying is that IN MY OPINION, breaking up a household and throwing little kids into the chaos of a divorce, isnt necessarily "putting the kids first"...

 

And yes, I knew when I had my kid that my life as I knew it was not my own anymore...Not until she is emancipated..Whatever my personal desires were had to be secondary...That doesnt make me a martyr....It makes me a proper parent...Me personally (like the guy in the original post) cant envison a scenario where I cant be able to see my daughter on a daily basis...the mere thought of it makes me cringe..

 

Like i said, to each their own...I have known too many parents to mention, that instead of "being miserable" as you say, sit down among each other..Put aside differences, and do what is best for their kids..

 

If you are ever fortunate enough to be a parent maybe you will see this more clearly...In the meantime, dont be so quick to assume anything about what anyone does with their life...

 

TFY

[KismetGirl]

kismet, it isn't about should or what anyone here thinks.

 

It is about what the man in question wants and thinks. He wants you, and he wants to keep his family together. It doesn't matter how other men wanted to divorce and decided. What would you do with that information? Tell him how other men felt differently from him?

 

Many, many people choose to stay together until the kids are older and out, and that isn't any more shocking that someone who chooses to divorce when the kids are small. Both kind of suck, but that's life. It's a tough call for a parent, and if the kids feel secure in the family unit, that's going to be a difficult boat to rock for personal gratification. The number of personal things I've sacrificed to parenting is impossible to quantify, still it is worth it.

 

Yes I see your point.

 

i don't intend to tell him any of what i learn here, that isn't the point. It was more for my own understanding I suppose, trying to hear how other people dealt with the situation. Ive heard a couple of stories so far and both are helpful in seeing both sides. Wish I could hear more but this thread seems to be going off topic a little bit :-)

 

I think lately I've been more confused than usual for various reasons. It's hard to truly explain without going into all the details of the last ten years, but in the beginning when we started the affair he was VERY guilt laden. I mean to be honest we did not have sex very often, he often was distracted. It was more about talking with some kissing and hugging and etc. He broke up with me countless times feeling guilty, and always found me again after . Up and down, up and down. The biggest difference I notice btween then and now is how and what he talks about. Back then, he kept sayng (and I don't know who he was trying to convince, him or me) that his wife was a good partner. That she was attractive, smart, a good person, a good mom. That they got along really well. That he didnt want to disappoint her. He never told me he loved me really. We didnt discuss feelings much. The word divorce was like a curse word that was never mentioned.

 

Fast forward and how he speaks is much different these days. She's still a great woman , but his focus is always squarely on how she's an amazing mother to his children. He now freely says he loves her (and hell, I love my family members too) but is not IN love with her and never has been. He mentions divorce and wishing he could go through with it quite often in retrospect but is scared of the uprooting it will do to his kids and way of life. This may not seem like much to you but it is huge that he talks like this now-- he never did before. He says he learned a lot about himself in therapy, which was mostly that he and his wife were never compatible and shouldnt ever have gotten married. That they see the world and relationships differently and in that respect have nothing in common.

 

Perhaps in another few years he will decide to leave.

 

I am not waiting around for him,as I said. That's not the point of this. I think just reconnecting with him, and the way he has been speaking about things, has made me think a lot and wonder about what's going on in his head. How despite knowing how horrified his wife would be to know he's contacted me again, and how she is on high alert about every activity or minute he spends outside the house, he spent nearly a year trying to track me down, and god knows why because he thought I'm on the other side of the planet-- he didn't even realise I'm visiting for a few months.

 

To be frank he can't have me right now, honestly. Im not going to be living anywhere near him for at least another couple years, I'll be overseas. He has lots of time to think, if I'm really something he wants. Again, I've still never said anything to him about wanting to be with him, waiting for him, or asking him to leave his wife. Never have, never will. He knows I care for him. If he wants to change his life that's on him to decide, not for me to tell him or convince him. I have no intention of doing so really. It seems fruitless right now.

 

Again, ad nauseum, I just care a lot about him and want to udnerstand this progression of thoughts he seems to be having. His fears, his concerns, his desires. By hearing other guy's stories, maybe I can try to understand some of what he is thinking. At least that was my hope. I'm a cerebral sort of person and I like understanding what is going on I guess. Who knows.

[KismetGirl]

if you bothered to read the post:rolleyes:, you will see that I didnt judge him...

 

Youre wrong.....My username means I was the dope that made a huge mistake and let my family down....And I will regret it for as long as I live...It didnt have to be that way...

 

 

All I am saying is that IN MY OPINION, breaking up a household and throwing little kids into the chaos of a divorce, isnt necessarily "putting the kids first"...

 

And yes, I knew when I had my kid that my life as I knew it was not my own anymore...Not until she is emancipated..Whatever my personal desires were had to be secondary...That doesnt make me a martyr....It makes me a proper parent...Me personally (like the guy in the original post) cant envison a scenario where I cant be able to see my daughter on a daily basis...the mere thought of it makes me cringe..

 

Like i said, to each their own...I have known too many parents to mention, that instead of "being miserable" as you say, sit down among each other..Put aside differences, and do what is best for their kids..

 

If you are ever fortunate enough to be a parent maybe you will see this more clearly...In the meantime, dont be so quick to assume anything about what anyone does with their life...

 

TFY

 

thats true. though different things work for different people i suppose. Many people who divorce have clearly stated that they are happier and that they actually have better relationships with their kids because they aren't engrossed with feeling bitter and resentful that they are wasting their personal happiness with someone.

 

Everyone is different. Everyone experiences loss differently.

[thefooloftheyear]

thats true. though different things work for different people i suppose. Many people who divorce have clearly stated that they are happier and that they actually have better relationships with their kids because they aren't engrossed with feeling bitter and resentful that they are wasting their personal happiness with someone.

 

Everyone is different. Everyone experiences loss differently.

 

I feel for you....

 

Your story has been told a million times...What he is saying to you, is likely 1000% true...You are just filling the "gap" that is missing in his life, but that gap isnt enough for him to blow his life up over it...Not that he doesnt care about you...I bet he really does...but the scale is balanced in favor of his family..He's no hero, btw...what he is doing is still patently wrong on all levels..

 

There isnt much to reason, from what I can see...

 

You just need to decide how much of this arrangement you are willing to tolerate...You may one day be forced to make a very hard decision to abandon someone you obviously care a lot about..But it might be necessary to get off the emotional rollercoaster..

 

I wish you well...

 

TFY

[whichwayisup]

I asked him the other day if he thought he could pull off this charade another 40 years of his life. His face told me a resounding no.

 

You saw him then..

 

Kis, you're already so invested in him all over again. I worry about you.

[lollipopspot]

Despite years of therapy, he is obviously still not happy, enough to risk everything he has by talking to me again even though he knows his wife is on top of his every move, and she knows exactly who I am. She knows I have been the "one" he has been with all this time on and off, and she would be furious if she knew he had tracked me down again. He risks a lot just by talking to me, and yet he does it-- not for sex, but just to talk to me. He snuck out of work just to take me for coffee and spend three hours talking to me. Saying how much he missed just having conversatons with me. How he feels so alive just speaking to me.

 

I think be careful what you wish for, if you want this guy He doesn't have the highest integrity.

 

Please believe, as I've said before, that I don't want to CONVINCE him of anything, I truly want him to just see what he basically tells me every day in not so many words. He's just so terrified about losing his children it's almost impossible for him to look ahead into the future and just envision himself in a happy relationship, with a good relationship with his kids even if he doesnt live in the same house as them full time anymore. I wish I could make him see what I see so clearly after all these years but he's just resistent.

 

I don't think you're being honest with yourself. It seems to me that you're trying to convince everyone that he should leave her and take up with you, and that will make him happy. And that you're just kind of an innocent bystander wanting the best for everyone.

 

at the end of the day they have no spark. No passion for one another. They never did.

 

This is probably revisionist history.

 

He has said, for the first time in a decade I've known him, that if he had to do it over again he would have not married her (children aside).

 

How old are his kids? If you've known him for a decade, and they are 9 or under, then he made a choice to procreate with her rather than to be with you. Look at his actions. It's unlikely he's been that unhappy and unsatisfied if he was making decisions to invest himself further and further.

 

I just wish there was a way for me to express to him that divorce isn't the end of the world and the end of him being a good father. I just don't want to seem pushy about it, because I really do not want to convince him of anything.

 

See here, you do want to convince him to leave his wife, you just don't want to seem like you're doing it.

 

I have NOTHING to do with his marriage. I am merely a symptom of the fact that his marriage is ill.

 

Yes and no. Sticking around and being his "counselor" is being involved in his marriage. I honestly think the best thing for you would be to disassociate yourself from him completely now and move on. Let him make his own decisions without a woman in the wings (you say you aren't waiting, but this is a pressure on him now to make a decision at the risk of losing you). He ought best to make his decision with you completely out of the picture. No contact. I'll bet he won't leave.

[KismetGirl]

You saw him then..

 

Kis, you're already so invested in him all over again. I worry about you.

 

WWIU,

 

yeah, i caved on the coffee meeting, I must admit. I guess that was bound to happen. Wanted to see his face when he spoke to me. Easier to read him that way.

 

Curiosity killed the cat they said, i guess, or something.

 

Meow.

 

7 weeks till im outta here. On the bright side Im staying with family so I have no where to invite him back to. So hey, thank eff for the small things that aid in resisting temptation. We're certainly not going to his place!

 

Womp womp.

 

sigh.

[whichwayisup]

WWIU,

 

yeah, i caved on the coffee meeting, I must admit. I guess that was bound to happen. Wanted to see his face when he spoke to me. Easier to read him that way.

 

Curiosity killed the cat they said, i guess, or something.

 

Meow.

 

7 weeks till im outta here. On the bright side Im staying with family so I have no where to invite him back to. So hey, thank eff for the small things that aid in resisting temptation. We're certainly not going to his place!

 

Womp womp.

 

sigh.

 

Did the sexual feelings come rushing back when you saw him, heart flutters? Did he kiss you? Just wondering if he behaved himself (and you too)..

 

Leave it at one coffee, don't go meeting up with him again, and really try not to be in touch daily. You're opening the door for constant contact once you move.. That move should be clean slate, move on and don't look back. And that includes leaving him behind.

[KismetGirl]

Did the sexual feelings come rushing back when you saw him, heart flutters? Did he kiss you? Just wondering if he behaved himself (and you too)..

 

Leave it at one coffee, don't go meeting up with him again, and really try not to be in touch daily. You're opening the door for constant contact once you move.. That move should be clean slate, move on and don't look back. And that includes leaving him behind.

 

Hey

 

Well, i mean, he's ten years older than when I first met him (as am I , obviously...Im older now than he was when we met :-) ), but yes there was obviously still a physical attraction. Which feels nice in a sense seeing as how I've been a bit down on myself. Other than looking a bit older and more defeated about life, he is still a pretty attractive guy. I didn't expect that to change much. He still apparently finds me gorgeous which is nice. He touched my hand across the table. He hugged me just a bit longer than you'd hug a friend. We more or less behaved otherwise. Talked a lot. He's obvi trying to see me again. Just dont know why he insists on torturing himself.

[worlybear]

And one more answer to Mr. Lucky's question that I almost forgot:

 

 

As to how I would feel if another woman wanted to "help" my husband (I will ignore your sarcasm for the time being).. If I were married and my husband cheated on me, I would not blame the other woman, for starters. If she was interjecting into my life by being a crazy lunatic that's one thing, but I assure you I am in no way Glenn Close's character, and I'm not killing any pet bunnies. If my husband met another woman and she made him question our rrelationship, I would hope that it happened fast enough so that if he is unhappy with me he either works on the marriage or gets the hell out. I certainly dont need anyone to stay with me out of pity. But you know what? I communicate. When I am with someone I do everything in my power to let them know if they are ever in any way unhappy, to let me know, and they've generally been very receptive and my relationships, when I do have them, are generally quite successful. I am friendly with all my exes. My break ups have normally been because at the end of the day we're just not meant to be. Which is ok. I am not married yet for the very reason that I am very careful about choosing who I end up with, because I've seen enough unhappy couples to know I want to avoid being there. I was asked to marry someone twice in my life and I turned them down because i didnt feel it was right, even if i was comfortable in the situation. I am now at an age where I know myself better, what I want, and I hope whomever I end up with feels the same way. Far too many people marry young. I am in my 30's and god knows ten years ago I was much different. I can't fathom having chosen the right life-long partner in my 20's. Ask any adult how much they changed personality wise and most people say from their 20's to 30's was a mindblowing maturity and development. In my opinion no one should get married before 30-- people would probably find much better suited partners. But that's another discussion for another day.

But the whole point is that you are NOT married. How can you possibly know how you would react when you have zero experience of being in a marriage?

[KismetGirl]

But the whole point is that you are NOT married. How can you possibly know how you would react when you have zero experience of being in a marriage?

 

He asked me , i assume to imagine, how I would feel if another woman was in my position with my husband if I were married, so I answered his question. So Im not sure where you are coming from. He asked how I would feel, and I answered his question.

 

Moving on-- I have been in long-term relationships and been engaged, and thus can imagine how I would have reacted to that effect. I do not think that a piece of paper would make my reaction much different. I do not think my assumption of how I would react being with someone five years, versus someone who has been married and with their partner 6 months, makes them any more able to ascertain how they would feel just because they are married. Legality does not make me unable to ascertain how I feel about being cheated on . I have had more than one woman try to steal someone I was with for a very long time. I never blamed her. She is irrelevant to my relationship in as much as I am irrelevant to my MM's relationship. I am a symptom of his marital unhappiness just like another woman would be a symptom of my marital/relationship unrest. Being married one month would not make my assumption on how I would feel any less valid.

 

Sorry if I was confusing, but your question to me is moot. I dont need to be married to know how I would feel if I was cheated on and/or another woman tried to "steal" my man away. Human beings have free will and cannot be stolen. If they are, they never wanted to be there in the first place.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Hey

 

...Talked a lot. He's obvi trying to see me again. Just dont know why he insists on torturing himself.

 

Not sure who's torturing themselves. Of course he's trying to see you. It's not let's just be friends, he knows you're leaving now. Can he get in your pants before you go?? I'm not so sure that its his marriage that is ill or rather him. Unhappy, unfulfilled or bored? Time will tell. One things for sure, you're going to get hurt again. And it's no ones fault but your own, free will and all that. You've got to know that this is not good for you.

[No Limit]

If you want to be with your MM, you'll have to wait another decade. Or a few more, depending on how much he values what his social circle, family etc thinks of him.

[jackslife]

You're original question got a bit overshadowed with advice to you about your affair with a MM.

 

It's a shame because it was a good and valid question.

 

Ultimately it is a choice for him. To leave his wife and go to you he will/may...

 

Lose the everyday access to his children, feel he is emotionally damaging them in the long run, divorce/split from a good wife (who may then meet someone else), have a huuuge financial hit, (even an amicable split will cost him a lot financially), move to a smaller apartment etc, and an uncertain future.

 

If he makes that leap your relationship may not work out and he may wonder "what the hell have I done". In other words it is a huge gamble which in his eyes risks everything.

 

As much as he loves and wants you, the costs both emotional and financial are massive to him. In balance he will choose to stay - even if emotionally he is unfulfilled. Divorce for him is the nuclear option and one to be avoided. Don't think he doesn't feel for you and want you, but the cost of having you maybe just too high for him.

 

I think the fathers who do decide to divorce and make it work and do it for the 'right' reasons are ones whose wife and life is so unremittingly awful, that all those costs are worth it. An early poster told this story very well.

 

If his marriage is bad he should and would leave it. But it is not bad enough, if he wanted to divorce he would have done so regardless of you.

[GirlStillStrong]

We have more in common than you think. We both wasted 10 years of our lives in a relationship with someone that cared more about themselves than us. What you describe - having you spend a decade in the wings while he slept at home with his wife - isn't love, it's exploitation. Don't sign up for any more of it.

 

I will indeed bow out of your thread. Good luck...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

IMO This is a victim mindset, which I (LONG ago) used to ascribe to. It will make you absolutely miserable and I think it nearly killed me once. I had to fight my way out of it, weak as I was, and I did so by first recognizing that I thought this way and then actively refusing to think this way each time it occurred.

[DKT3]

KismetGirl, when a man is unhappy in his marriage he will leave. Kids will always be his kids. I will admit that my kids (fear of not seeing them everyday, or another man playing a role in their lives) kept me in my marriage for about 6 extra months MONTHS not 10 freaking years. Nah, your buying his goods and its snake oil.

 

You've done things that has shown you love him, actions. Him its just words.

 

Coming to the decision is really hard, I had no wonderful woman waiting in the wings for me to make the move. Had I had one, the decision would have been even that much easier.

 

You are burning days waiting on him while he is living his life perfectly content having you do so. Is that a show of love and respect? 10 years?

[DKT3]

IMO This is a victim mindset, which I (LONG ago) used to ascribe to. It will make you absolutely miserable and I think it nearly killed me once. I had to fight my way out of it, weak as I was, and I did so by first recognizing that I thought this way and then actively refusing to think this way each time it occurred.

 

I'm not sure I get your point. I think what Mr.Lucky is saying is that they both believe what they were being told for such a long time putting their life on hold while the other person lived theirs fully, including some extra on the side. All they got what half a relationship and smoke blown up their backside.

 

I think a victim mindset in this situation would be blaming the AP's for it, or acting as if they have no choice in the matter.

 

Sometimes its truly hard to believe and or accept that sometimes in life we love and invest emotionally wholeheartedly in someone who simply doesn't return it outside of words. Love is a verb.