Question for the Divorced Fathers out there....how did you deal/decide?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm in the same boat. He has pursued me relentlessly and will simply not go away. He says pretty much the same as what your's is saying, just kids are different ages. I've discovered it's a pretty common story, matching almost exactly word for word what he says and what your's has said to you.

 

And this, BTW, is an allowing yourself to be "victimized" mindset...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GirlStillStrong]

Sorry, Kismet, but I have to answer.

 

I was sharing something about MYSELF to try to help you, Mr Lucky. If you don't want to see it, that's your choice. But I am not a victim, nor do I think anyone is exploiting anyone in this scenario. Two grown adults make a decision, two grown adults need to be responsible for their own part that they played, in ANY relationship, whether someone "cheats" or not. People are human and therefore FLAWED, and there are no guarantees in life no matter how many wedding dresses you put on, how many vows you make, and no matter who you make those vows in front of. Marriage guarantees NOTHING. And you cannot tell what a person is going to do, from one day to the next, no matter how long or how intimately you know them. If you want to call this "exploitation," then that is how you will continue to think (and, most importantly, FEEL).

 

I am very sorry the person you married lied to you and "cheated on" you, and whatever other really ****ty things she did to you. That kind of thing has happened to me more times than I care to admit, so trust me when I say I know how you feel. My point in my post to you was that I can continue to go through life with that mindset (which makes me miserable to say the least) or I can REFUSE to think that way, think that someone was just exploiting me, and put HIS behavior and HIS actions back on HIS side of the street where it belongs. I am through with taking the blame for someone else's decisions.

 

But no, sharing with the world here that this MM will not leave me alone is not indicative of my feeling like a victim. I am NOT a victim. I am responsible for getting involved with him in the first place. I did so because I believed he was done with his marriage and moving on. Unfortunately, he continues to have whatever issues he has and feels it is necessary to stay there with her, which I am COMPLETELY fine with. Problem is, I don't WANT to be in a relationship with a MM, never did, and have said so all along but he is not taking No for an answer. I want to move forward in my life but the person keeps chasing me. It is very frustrating when you try to break something off with someone and they won't let you.

[DKT3]

Sorry, Kismet, but I have to answer.

 

I was sharing something about MYSELF to try to help you, Mr Lucky. If you don't want to see it, that's your choice. But I am not a victim, nor do I think anyone is exploiting anyone in this scenario. Two grown adults make a decision, two grown adults need to be responsible for their own part that they played, in ANY relationship, whether someone "cheats" or not. People are human and therefore FLAWED, and there are no guarantees in life no matter how many wedding dresses you put on, how many vows you make, and no matter who you make those vows in front of. Marriage guarantees NOTHING. And you cannot tell what a person is going to do, from one day to the next, no matter how long or how intimately you know them. If you want to call this "exploitation," then that is how you will continue to think (and, most importantly, FEEL).

 

I am very sorry the person you married lied to you and "cheated on" you, and whatever other really ****ty things she did to you. That kind of thing has happened to me more times than I care to admit, so trust me when I say I know how you feel. My point in my post to you was that I can continue to go through life with that mindset (which makes me miserable to say the least) or I can REFUSE to think that way, think that someone was just exploiting me, and put HIS behavior and HIS actions back on HIS side of the street where it belongs. I am through with taking the blame for someone else's decisions.

 

But no, sharing with the world here that this MM will not leave me alone is not indicative of my feeling like a victim. I am NOT a victim. I am responsible for getting involved with him in the first place. I did so because I believed he was done with his marriage and moving on. Unfortunately, he continues to have whatever issues he has and feels it is necessary to stay there with her, which I am COMPLETELY fine with. Problem is, I don't WANT to be in a relationship with a MM, never did, and have said so all along but he is not taking No for an answer. I want to move forward in my life but the person keeps chasing me. It is very frustrating when you try to break something off with someone and they won't let you.

 

Maybe on some levels you enjoy the chase?

 

Have you told his wife? If he is a co-worker, have you reported him? What about blocking him?

 

In my opinion if you truly wanted it over it would be. Be honest with yourself.

 

This isn't judgement, I'm just asking questions.

 

Sorry for the T/J Kismet

[Minnie09]

Kismet:

 

I am not a guy, obviously, but I know many, and I hear and read about and experience similar scenarios a lot. And I don't know why, but it seems to be very very very common that WHs share with their OW how unhappy they are in their M and how they shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. That they are a bad match, that they have no passion and are not "in love" with the W blahblahblah .......... but they never really do anything about it to change that situation. They just basically talk about it. Why? Because - just like some other poster here has said before me - it's not "bad enough", and what I also think is that they're very well aware of the honeymoon phase concept, meaning that they KNOW that with a new woman (I know you've been on and off 10 years, but you're still the other one, the newer one) the sparks will always fly around more and the whole thing will be more intense. Of course! Because it's just an affair. They KNOW that if they CHANGED the situation drastically, i.e. if they decided to D and/or move in with the OW, the R would be quite similar with the new partner a few years down the road. No spark. No passion. Not in love anymore, blahblah ...... rinse repeat.

 

I mean, MM that cheat are not stupid. They know what they're doing and can assess the possible future risks that would be involved if they actually decided to change partners. Everybody knows some psychology 101, and so does the MM, and it is clear to most people that passion decreases in a R if you see your partner every day. If you share a life. If you're committed. That's exactly what he wants to avoid. And he knows HOW to avoid it, too. By having an A. Keeps the spark going. Makes him feel better, more alive, thrill of the chase, coming back 3 years later, calling you gorgeous, making an effort..........blahblah.....he can't have that with his W, and won't get the spark back, either, but he knows that if he switches partners, the same would happen with you and him. Add the children and his guilt regarding his children to that mix, and HE KNOWS exactly what to do, and - even more so - what NOT to do.

 

Of course he's interested in you. Of course he chases you. Of course he wants to play with you. Have good times with you. I am sure he feels a lot of passion and excitement for you. But how does it affect his real life?

 

The problem with us women is that we sometimes take things at face value (*). He says this and that, why would he say that if he didn't mean it? Well....because it sounds good and he's a dreamer sometimes. Because it makes him feel good. There is conflict in his M, they fight, yeah, so what? He knows it's not the end of the world. It's part of living together and sharing responsibilities. Plus, if she knows about any of his past affairs, well duh......she will let him feel her resentment occasionally. Sure she's jealous now. She has a reason. He probably feels super-guilty about it, too.

 

I am sorry I cannot help more, and I also don't want to rain on your parade......but that's just my insight. And seriously, I have talked to so many people about that particular subject, and it's the same over and over again. Things will not be perfect in a M, and if he's an ass and if he wants some attention from OW, he will spill his guts about his not so great M and his W's flaws, but it doesn't MEAN anything. It hardly ever does. Trust me.

 

(*) I am an OW and I am currently working on this. To not take everything at face value but with a grain of salt. It's not that they're necessarily being malicious or conscioulsy lying. They just daydream and dream aloud. About a new life with someone new and exciting, a passion-filled life. But at the same time they KNOW it's not going to happen. Most of them are realists. And I have to add that I would appreciate those who don't have this sense of reality a lot less.

[GirlStillStrong]

Maybe on some levels you enjoy the chase?

 

Have you told his wife? If he is a co-worker, have you reported him? What about blocking him?

 

In my opinion if you truly wanted it over it would be. Be honest with yourself.

 

This isn't judgement, I'm just asking questions.

 

Sorry for the T/J Kismet

 

At first I enjoyed being pursued, of course, because to me we were dating. But once I realized this man was NOT separated or separating from his wife anytime soon, I began to not enjoy it. Now, I am bothered by it and it annoys me. But it's like he hears nothing I say.

 

I don't have to tell her, she already knows. He apparently was hoping that this would be something she would not stand for and kick him out or something but she apparently is content with remaining married to a man who does not want to be with her and carries on an affair with someone else. This is not my bag. I want nothing to do with it. It's just not me.

 

He's not a co-worker and if he was I would not screw around with someone's career. I'd change jobs first. I've blocked him from social media but have not yet blocked him from texting. We have remaining actual business to handle so I can't do that yet.

 

I don't agree with you that just because I want something to be over, it will just happen. Not everyone processes this stuff at the same speed. I am very quick with this kind of thing. Once I realize you are not for me, goodbye, I'm done and I walk away. This guy? Not so much. I'm trying to be patient and not lose my temper. I think he is getting the picture though.

[GirlStillStrong]

Kismet:

 

I am not a guy, obviously, but I know many, and I hear and read about and experience similar scenarios a lot. And I don't know why, but it seems to be very very very common that WHs share with their OW how unhappy they are in their M and how they shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. That they are a bad match, that they have no passion and are not "in love" with the W blahblahblah .......... but they never really do anything about it to change that situation. They just basically talk about it. Why? Because - just like some other poster here has said before me - it's not "bad enough", and what I also think is that they're very well aware of the honeymoon phase concept, meaning that they KNOW that with a new woman (I know you've been on and off 10 years, but you're still the other one, the newer one) the sparks will always fly around more and the whole thing will be more intense. Of course! Because it's just an affair. They KNOW that if they CHANGED the situation drastically, i.e. if they decided to D and/or move in with the OW, the R would be quite similar with the new partner a few years down the road. No spark. No passion. Not in love anymore, blahblah ...... rinse repeat.

 

I mean, MM that cheat are not stupid. They know what they're doing and can assess the possible future risks that would be involved if they actually decided to change partners. Everybody knows some psychology 101, and so does the MM, and it is clear to most people that passion decreases in a R if you see your partner every day. If you share a life. If you're committed. That's exactly what he wants to avoid. And he knows HOW to avoid it, too. By having an A. Keeps the spark going. Makes him feel better, more alive, thrill of the chase, coming back 3 years later, calling you gorgeous, making an effort..........blahblah.....he can't have that with his W, and won't get the spark back, either, but he knows that if he switches partners, the same would happen with you and him. Add the children and his guilt regarding his children to that mix, and HE KNOWS exactly what to do, and - even more so - what NOT to do.

 

Of course he's interested in you. Of course he chases you. Of course he wants to play with you. Have good times with you. I am sure he feels a lot of passion and excitement for you. But how does it affect his real life?

 

The problem with us women is that we sometimes take things at face value (*). He says this and that, why would he say that if he didn't mean it? Well....because it sounds good and he's a dreamer sometimes. Because it makes him feel good. There is conflict in his M, they fight, yeah, so what? He knows it's not the end of the world. It's part of living together and sharing responsibilities. Plus, if she knows about any of his past affairs, well duh......she will let him feel her resentment occasionally. Sure she's jealous now. She has a reason. He probably feels super-guilty about it, too.

 

I am sorry I cannot help more, and I also don't want to rain on your parade......but that's just my insight. And seriously, I have talked to so many people about that particular subject, and it's the same over and over again. Things will not be perfect in a M, and if he's an ass and if he wants some attention from OW, he will spill his guts about his not so great M and his W's flaws, but it doesn't MEAN anything. It hardly ever does. Trust me.

 

(*) I am an OW and I am currently working on this. To not take everything at face value but with a grain of salt. It's not that they're necessarily being malicious or conscioulsy lying. They just daydream and dream aloud. About a new life with someone new and exciting, a passion-filled life. But at the same time they KNOW it's not going to happen. Most of them are realists. And I have to add that I would appreciate those who don't have this sense of reality a lot less.

 

This is great, thanks Minnie. I also want to add that men are really good at compartmentalizing their lives. Where we women tend to see something as black and white (for ex., "If he's so miserable why doesn't he just leave?"), men seem to be more comfortable living in the grey areas ("I love HER but I have kids with this woman, I can have both.") We can hold them to our standards if we want and call them dogs or say they are evil or whatever, but that's just not being realistic IMO. Marriage and kids is a lot of work and it will take a toll on intimacy and emotional attachment. I think affairs are more to do with filling a void than anything else.

[worlybear]

He asked me , i assume to imagine, how I would feel if another woman was in my position with my husband if I were married, so I answered his question. So Im not sure where you are coming from.

He asked how I would feel, and I answered his question.

 

Moving on-- I have been in long-term relationships and been engaged, and thus can imagine how I would have reacted to that effect. I do not think that a piece of paper would make my reaction much different. I do not think my assumption of how I would react being with someone five years, versus someone who has been married and with their partner 6 months, makes them any more able to ascertain how they would feel just because they are married. Legality does not make me unable to ascertain how I feel about being cheated on . I have had more than one woman try to steal someone I was with for a very long time. I never blamed her. She is irrelevant to my relationship in as much as I am irrelevant to my MM's relationship. I am a symptom of his marital unhappiness just like another woman would be a symptom of my marital/relationship unrest. Being married one month would not make my assumption on how I would feel any less valid.

 

Sorry if I was confusing, but your question to me is moot. I dont need to be married to know how I would feel if I was cheated on and/or another woman tried to "steal" my man away. Human beings have free will and cannot be stolen. If they are, they never wanted to be there in the first place.

 

Speaking from the perspective of having been married for 27 years and having had 5 children I really don't think you have any concept of the reality of the impact of cheating by a partner- I suspect that if the boot was on the other foot and you were the wife/partner being cheated on and your children's lives were then permanently disrupted you would not be so quick to consider the OW as blameless.

[No Limit]

but he is not taking No for an answer. I want to move forward in my life but the person keeps chasing me. It is very frustrating when you try to break something off with someone and they won't let you.

 

Chasing doesn't get you in another man's bed though. Besides, we have restraining orders.

And there is no "he won't let me". There is only one person responsible for your actions. Guess who and win a prize.

[KismetGirl]

You're original question got a bit overshadowed with advice to you about your affair with a MM.

 

It's a shame because it was a good and valid question.

 

Ultimately it is a choice for him. To leave his wife and go to you he will/may...

 

Lose the everyday access to his children, feel he is emotionally damaging them in the long run, divorce/split from a good wife (who may then meet someone else), have a huuuge financial hit, (even an amicable split will cost him a lot financially), move to a smaller apartment etc, and an uncertain future.

 

If he makes that leap your relationship may not work out and he may wonder "what the hell have I done". In other words it is a huge gamble which in his eyes risks everything.

 

As much as he loves and wants you, the costs both emotional and financial are massive to him. In balance he will choose to stay - even if emotionally he is unfulfilled. Divorce for him is the nuclear option and one to be avoided. Don't think he doesn't feel for you and want you, but the cost of having you maybe just too high for him.

 

I think the fathers who do decide to divorce and make it work and do it for the 'right' reasons are ones whose wife and life is so unremittingly awful, that all those costs are worth it. An early poster told this story very well.

 

If his marriage is bad he should and would leave it. But it is not bad enough, if he wanted to divorce he would have done so regardless of you.

 

Thank you for answering the original question to a degree :-) This thread got horribly jacked and focused on me again, which was not the intent at all....I tried to get it back to the original a few times and seemed fruitless lol

 

At the end of the day honestly its not about me or if he ends up with me, because frankly its not like im 100% certain about a future with him anyway. Im a few years younger, and I want my own family, and do i want a guy with so much baggage? These are questions we've not discussed because we've never gotten to a point where he's said he could divorce.

 

So really I honestly, hand on chest honestly, was trying to understand his thought process and wanted feedback from other divorced/almost divorced dads about how they view the thought of losing "everything". I care about him immensely and i just want to understand him better. I sincerely do want him to be happy, whatever that means, and please believe me when I say that after a decade I know him fairly well, and he is content in some areas of his life, but he is not happy.

 

Anyway thanks for your thoughts.

[KismetGirl]

KismetGirl, when a man is unhappy in his marriage he will leave. Kids will always be his kids. I will admit that my kids (fear of not seeing them everyday, or another man playing a role in their lives) kept me in my marriage for about 6 extra months MONTHS not 10 freaking years. Nah, your buying his goods and its snake oil.

 

You've done things that has shown you love him, actions. Him its just words.

 

Coming to the decision is really hard, I had no wonderful woman waiting in the wings for me to make the move. Had I had one, the decision would have been even that much easier.

 

You are burning days waiting on him while he is living his life perfectly content having you do so. Is that a show of love and respect? 10 years?

 

So I suppose, then, is the question of what makes someone miserable enough to leave? Everyone, I guess, has a different setting off point. Were you super miserable-- I mean, did you like HATE your wife? He doesnt hate her and he never will. I do believe as time goes he will get more resentful, but he will never hate her because she's not a bad person. They are just....not a good fit, relationship-wise. So I suspect the threshhold of misery for him is going to take infintely longer to reach.

 

I havent been around for ten years without a break or anything--- i havent been around the last three years at all, trying to give him space to work on his marriage. Before that i would disappear for a year here and there. I have had serious relationships, even been engaged once, and moved overseas in this time span....so I wouldnt say I sat around waiting for him. But the first few years of the affair i got very invested and it was killing me emotionally, which is why i disappeared this last time three years, when he sent me an email (actually ended up being his wife that sent me the email) asking for me to not contact them i said ok and respected that request. Didnt talk to him for three years, and he tracked me down again (even though he thought i was in another country). I must admit reconnecting has brought a lot of emotions up but I AM wary of them, moreso than i was in the past.

 

Anyway-- so what did it take for you to be miserable? Hated your wife? I feel like if things at home are "ok", the family life is pretty good, he'll put up with it much longer despite not being fully happy. Easier path, less acute misery (eg- his family is very close to his wife's family, etc....its much more than a divorce between him and his wife obviously).

 

While I'm sure eventually everything would fall into place it would take a few years and yes, I agree, that's maybe something he is not prepared to deal with. At least mentally, he can't fathom it right now. I think he's closer to that idea than he was five years ago, for sure, but he's not there yet it seems.

[KismetGirl]

Speaking from the perspective of having been married for 27 years and having had 5 children I really don't think you have any concept of the reality of the impact of cheating by a partner- I suspect that if the boot was on the other foot and you were the wife/partner being cheated on and your children's lives were then permanently disrupted you would not be so quick to consider the OW as blameless.

 

I think the point you are missing is that the OW IS blameless. Because it's not HER. If it wasn't her, he would find someone else to cheat with, if he's really that unhappy for whatever reason, or if he is simply a serial cheater who can't keep it in his pants then the individual OW is definitely not an issue. They are always just a symptom.

 

i understand your knee-jerk reaction is to hate the OW and put blame on her, but your emotions about the issue don't change the logical reality that the OW is not the reason an MM is cheating. She is but a symptom, whether you like it or not.

 

Being emotional about it because you have 27 years and 5 kids invested doesn't change the validity of reality. THought I do understand why you'd want to hate and blame the OW. If I was cheated on I would WANT to hate the OW and blame her. I have often gotten jealous in my life. I understand human emotion.

 

But in making a perfectly logical, unbiased, objective view? The OM/OW is never to blame. Because MM/MW's are human beings, who make decisions to cheat. Temptation is everywhere, and certainly no one OW/OM is SO desirable that they are the ones who single handedly made a person cheat when they would never otherwise do it. They would otherwise do it eventually, whether its this OW or another one.

 

So, to answer your question, yes. if I was in your(?) situation of 27 years/6 kids , whatever, I would of course have the emotional and knee-jerk reaction to blame the OW and hate her with a fiery passion. But that would not change the reality of my situation in that my husband cheated, of his own accord, of his own free will, and no one put a gun to his head to do it. People make mistakes in fits of temptation ONCE. If they keep going back over and over again, you better believe its not because an OW/OM is just SO SO SO tempting that they couldnt resist them. Let's be honest here, please, on that.

[KismetGirl]

Chasing doesn't get you in another man's bed though. Besides, we have restraining orders.

And there is no "he won't let me". There is only one person responsible for your actions. Guess who and win a prize.

I agree here, sure. No one makes anyone do anything. No one is a victim. That's not the point.

 

Man my thread got uber-jacked.

 

Guess Im not going to get too many responses to my original question anymore :-)

[thefooloftheyear]

Problem is, I don't WANT to be in a relationship with a MM, never did, and have said so all along but he is not taking No for an answer. I want to move forward in my life but the person keeps chasing me. It is very frustrating when you try to break something off with someone and they won't let you.

 

Sorry...I dont buy this at all..

 

If you wanted it to really end you have two choices...Get a restraining order or call the wife...Either one will end the affair...abruptly...and you can go on with your life as you state you want to...

 

But, tbh, neither of these extreme measures are probably even necessary..ABout 98% of men would leave the person alone, if the OW only told them to stop contacting them and blocked all incoming contact...If that didnt work, then just the mere threat of the above measures will end it...For the other 2%? Just do what you have to do..

 

TFY

[worlybear]

I think the point you are missing is that the OW IS blameless. Because it's not HER. If it wasn't her, he would find someone else to cheat with, if he's really that unhappy for whatever reason, or if he is simply a serial cheater who can't keep it in his pants then the individual OW is definitely not an issue. They are always just a symptom.

 

i understand your knee-jerk reaction is to hate the OW and put blame on her, but your emotions about the issue don't change the logical reality that the OW is not the reason an MM is cheating. She is but a symptom, whether you like it or not.

 

Being emotional about it because you have 27 years and 5 kids invested doesn't change the validity of reality. THought I do understand why you'd want to hate and blame the OW. If I was cheated on I would WANT to hate the OW and blame her. I have often gotten jealous in my life. I understand human emotion.

 

But in making a perfectly logical, unbiased, objective view? The OM/OW is never to blame. Because MM/MW's are human beings, who make decisions to cheat. Temptation is everywhere, and certainly no one OW/OM is SO desirable that they are the ones who single handedly made a person cheat when they would never otherwise do it. They would otherwise do it eventually, whether its this OW or another one.

 

So, to answer your question, yes. if I was in your(?) situation of 27 years/6 kids , whatever, I would of course have the emotional and knee-jerk reaction to blame the OW and hate her with a fiery passion. But that would not change the reality of my situation in that my husband cheated, of his own accord, of his own free will, and no one put a gun to his head to do it. People make mistakes in fits of temptation ONCE. If they keep going back over and over again, you better believe its not because an OW/OM is just SO SO SO tempting that they couldnt resist them. Let's be honest here, please, on that.

I did not say that I totally blame the OW but your delusion that the OW is somehow blameless is frankly unbelievable, they are responsible as much as WS.

To follow through your example that no-one put a gun to MM's head to cheat, then the same logic could be applied to OW-no-one put a gun to her head to cheat either !

Reality. He is married. He has not left in 10 years. He has kids. He is playing with you.

By the way I have 5 children- not 6 AND I make no apology for my "emotional, knee-jerk reaction."

I really hope that any possible future children of yours are never in this situation.

As to your original question- I can only comment that despite my trying to facilitate contact etc, my ex is so racked with guilt that he has destroyed his relationship with his kids and regrets it.

A heavy price to pay.

[LifesontheUp]

I just want to understand the male/father/husband perspective on this situation, please. If anyone can offer input I would be most appreciative-- whether you stayed married or actually got divorced, and how you dealt with your feelings regarding the "part time fatherhood" fear, how you dealt with seeing your children without living in the same house anymore, and how it all turned out in the end, whether you regret it, etc.

 

thank you so much in advance

 

In this day and age, many families break up and move on to new partners and in some cases live in "blended" families.

 

Whatever the reason for the split, most sensible parents try and minimise the effects of the split and try to make it work so that the kids are not affected.

 

For me the more pertinent question is why if he loves you as he says he does, hasn't he divorced?

[lollipopspot]

I did not say that I totally blame the OW but your delusion that the OW is somehow blameless is frankly unbelievable, they are responsible as much as WS.

 

Well, the OW or OM didn't break any vows or promises, so they haven't betrayed their partner. It's the WS who needs to protect their marriage, if they find it worth protecting.

[KismetGirl]

I did not say that I totally blame the OW but your delusion that the OW is somehow blameless is frankly unbelievable, they are responsible as much as WS.

To follow through your example that no-one put a gun to MM's head to cheat, then the same logic could be applied to OW-no-one put a gun to her head to cheat either !

Reality. He is married. He has not left in 10 years. He has kids. He is playing with you.

By the way I have 5 children- not 6 AND I make no apology for my "emotional, knee-jerk reaction."

I really hope that any possible future children of yours are never in this situation.

As to your original question- I can only comment that despite my trying to facilitate contact etc, my ex is so racked with guilt that he has destroyed his relationship with his kids and regrets it.

A heavy price to pay.

 

THe OW isn't cheating. The OW is a single person with no responsibiity to the other parties. Moral ascertations aside, the only person making a dishonest ploy is the WS. And no, one one put a gun to his head. He is the one who made vows he is breaking, not the OW. She is, again, a symptom of something amiss in the marriage. You might be a wonderful person but that doesnt mean you and your husband were ever meant for each other or a good match. I'm sorry to say. Sometimes the WS is just a confused, selfish p**k and there's nothing you could have done differently. Cant control other's actions.

 

He's (my MM) married because he thinks he has to be, not because he wants to be. If I were his wife I'd feel pretty sh*t that someone is staying with me out of propriety rather than being in love with me. But it is what it is.

 

Your having 5 or 6 children is a typo, which Im sure you realised, so stop it. I have not been around with him for 10 years continuously-- i simply met him ten years ago. Throughout that time there have been several years I had no contact with him whatsoever, lived my own life, had my own serious boyfriends/relationships. My MM is the one who has, without fail, tracked me down each time, even if I was on the other side of the planet. So yes, I assure you, he doesnt want to be married. He's just afraid not to be. There is a significant difference. I have no intention of waiting for him and never have-- I've gone through ups and downs but I always keep livng my own life and dating people. HE is the one who after ten years, despite having his wife track his every move,despite going to marital counseling and therapy, STILL believes I'm the only woman he's ever met that makes him feel happy, but you know what, he has three children and a life established with his wife, he DOES love her as one would love any family member, and I don't expect that it's very easy for him to leave that nor do I expect him to. If he was able to so easily leave three small children, especially when I've never even told him I'm willing to have a serious relationship with him or take on the huge baggage of his life, then I don't see why he would just spontaneously do so. Men who just leave their wives on a whim are idiots and obviously don't think things through. Despite being upset over the years and wishing he and I could find time to date normally, I am in some ways glad he is trying to maintain responsibility. He is selfish but only just.

 

My parents divorced when I was a kid, ends up that at least one of them cheated on the other one. My dad ended up marrying the woman I'm pretty sure he cheated with. My parents are both remarried to people who suit them better. My relationship with both my parents is now and always has been great. The ability of children to deal with a divorce rests solely on the ability of the parents to deal with the situation. I guess your husband is not too good at dealing with the repercussions of his actions. If he was, then he'd suck it up, stop wallowing in self-pity/guilt, act like a normal human being and have a relationship with his children, and deal with his sadness and guilt like a responsible person in therapy behind closed doors. if he is effing up his relationships with his children because he's so guilty -feeling that's because he is weak and selfish. That's it. You can't go back and change your actions, what's done is done, but he can certainly make right by then from that point out and if he's not doing it it's his own shortcomings and not just because there was an affair. You want to blame the OW for the hell you see as your life now? You wan't to blame the OW for your children's sadness? Go ahead, if it makes you feel better, but its inaccurate where you choose to place the blame. If it wasn't her, he'd have done it elsehwere. If you think he never once thought about cheating until she came along and she somehow seduced him into a life or family ruin you are really being delusional, Im sorry.

 

People divorce for many reasons and the ability of children to be happy despite it is entirely on how the two parents choose to act and deal with it. My parents dealt with their relationship on their own, me and my 5 siblings (perhaps thats why i subconscious wrote 6 kids) were never subjected to their personal conversations regarding divorce, and despite any upset or anger they had at one another, it was something we were not subjected to.

 

Ergo, I have a great relationship with both my parents, despite not living with my father after the divorce, and as an adult my only concern is that both my parents are happy, healthy, and with people who make them happy.

 

I am sorry your life is not what you wished it to be. I hope your husband, or exhusband, mans up and stops doing the self-pity dance and takes responsibility for the situation at hand. I hope you choose to establish a good parental example for your children by never saying a bad word about your husband to your children, because all that will ever do is make them resent him AND you eventually. My mother never, in my entire life, said a negative thing about my father. And she had every inclination to at times, I'm sure.

 

I hope you find happiness. If you have troubel doing so, then blaming everyone else certainly isn't going to do it. The happiness of your children rests solely with you and your husband, and their happiness is very much possible even if you two are not married. Best to you, sincerely, and apologies if I seem harsh at times, but while I understand your emotional reactions, it does not make them logically valid. People often use emotion kneejerk reactions as an excuse to be unhappy. You are the master of your own fate, your own destiny, and there are people with worse lives than you who find ways to be happy. I'm sure you and your husband can find a way to make life work and be happy again, despite not being together. Others have done it, so can you. Anger, vengeance, and trying to put the blame on someone else will do nothing but feed negativity and perpetuate a world of hate, loathing and self pity. And THAT your children will definitely pick up on.

 

That's it.

Edited November 17, 2014 by KismetGirl

[KismetGirl]

In this day and age, many families break up and move on to new partners and in some cases live in "blended" families.

 

Whatever the reason for the split, most sensible parents try and minimise the effects of the split and try to make it work so that the kids are not affected.

 

For me the more pertinent question is why if he loves you as he says he does, hasn't he divorced?

 

this has been discussed ad nauseum. Why do people act as if its so easy to just get a divorce and bugger off? The man has a house, 15 years od relationships with not only his wife but their in-laws, mutual friends, etc, three small children....divorce is taxing emotionally, socially, financially....why would anyone think that he can just say "well i love you so ill get divorced, no biggie"

 

I can understand that, why cant anyone else??

[chew123]

KismetGirl,

 

You are right, the op took no marriage vows. And the MM or MW is the one responsible for the affair.

 

However I believe that OM/OW taking no ownership at all for their behavior is disingenuous. Yes you took no vows, however you are getting together with someone who is actively breaking theirs. At the very least you have to see that this is probably not good for your soul/Karma whatever you may believe in.

 

Incidentally I am the stbex of a cheating spouse so I admit to being a little biased. I do hold my wife 100 percent responsible. That does not mean I have any respect at all for the behavior of the other man. I consider him to be a damaged person who would assist in the breakup of a long marriage, even though it certainly might have broken up without him.

 

Good luck with your decision.

[chew123]

Kismet,

 

Sorry for not answering your original question. As the one who is initiating the divorce, it was not that difficult for me. Once I found out about the affair I was out. And I have been married for 28 years, blended finances, friends families etc.

 

Granted, no small children, but if someone really wants out, there is a way.

You hire a lawyer and get out.

[KismetGirl]

Kismet,

 

Sorry for not answering your original question. As the one who is initiating the divorce, it was not that difficult for me. Once I found out about the affair I was out. And I have been married for 28 years, blended finances, friends families etc.

 

Granted, no small children, but if someone really wants out, there is a way.

You hire a lawyer and get out.

 

Hey

 

Thanks for answering

 

I would love to point out that I in no way said my behavior/being an OW is any way morally just. It isn't the best karma move. However, in and of itself it has little to do with the marriage. As I've said, ad nauseum, it is a symptom of a marriage that has issues regardless. Happy people do not have affairs if nothing is missing. They may cheat ONCE in a fit of temptation, but they dont keep doing it like some masochistic fool just for the sake of doing it unless they are some kind of sociopaths.

 

The majority of people who have ongoing affairs are , for whatever reason, filling a void. What that void is can be the subject of a thousand books and is not necessary for purposes of this response.

 

If my MM got divorced it wouldn't be because of me. I was three years out of the country and hadnt spoken to him when he brought up divorce with his wife. If he ever does get divorced, it won't be my fault or due to my influence. If we ever got together after he divorced, which is unliekly seeing as how he's too scared to make that jump and I ain't wasting my youth and potentially to have my own family waiting for him to decide if its another ten years, then regardless it wouldnt be because of me. It would be because he's unhappy. That's it.

 

Your situation is different-- i assume after such a long marriage your children are grown and really in that scenario its a bit different. They are out of the house-- the potential for "part time fatherhood" is not an issue for you. I suppose the social/mutual friends thing can be odd , but again, SHE is the "cheater" here and so you would probably garner more sympathy in the matter if people find out why the divorce. In his situation I assume he'd be labeled the devil once his wife started telling people he left her-- even if he didnt leave FOR me she'd assume that's the reason no matter what. I havent been around in three years and to this day she asks him questions about me.

 

Anyway, the part time father hood thing is a huge issue... I think that is a huge issue in my MM's situation seeing as how his kids won't be even in college for another 12+ years. He is also not financially able to support paying for two households right now-- his wife is a SAHM/part time work on occasion. Alimony , child support, and two house payments are financially not feasible for him now either. I can't fathom paying for all that myself and at this point in my career i make more than he does.

 

I do thank you for your input, however.

[GirlStillStrong]

even if he didnt leave FOR me she'd assume that's the reason no matter what.

Everyone would. Because that's how people think. 1. They're always looking for a scapegoat because looking at themselves is just too damn painful and 2. They think it's entirely about sex when, in fact, sex is just a means to the ends, that is, the emotional bonding. From my position it seems people are just starved for attention, affection, and emotional connection.

 

Sorry I'm off topic again but I just wanted to comment on this as it seems you would understand where I am coming from while most do not.

[KismetGirl]

Everyone would. Because that's how people think. 1. They're always looking for a scapegoat because looking at themselves is just too damn painful and 2. They think it's entirely about sex when, in fact, sex is just a means to the ends, that is, the emotional bonding. From my position it seems people are just starved for attention, affection, and emotional connection.

 

Sorry I'm off topic again but I just wanted to comment on this as it seems you would understand where I am coming from while most do not.

 

Well-- i suppose there are different types of cheaters-- there are the ones who cheat because they are essentially sociopaths (its not exactly just for sex, but more of a power issue, a blatant disregard for anyone but themselves)...you might consider these the sex-fiends, or the men who just f**k everything with a vagina in a ten mile radius.

 

Then there are the men who do a one-time slip up-- tempted by a person one evening, after a few drinks, lack of decision making , but then they never do it again.

 

Then there are what I believe majority of married people fall into who cheat-- those who are missing something, normally emotionally. WHo use an affair to try to fill a void. In these cases they MAY incidentally end up falling in love with their affair partner, yes, but the affair in and of itself was sought out in seeking a void to fill. This last one my MM falls into. He happened to fall in love with me, yes, though I highly doubt he intended to still be doing this a decade later. I think he just felt empty, missng a spark, had no sexual/intimate/emotional connection with his wife. Still does not, apparently. In my last three year absence from his life he tried to find another woman who could fill that void-- he hooked up with a coworker one time, and had something of an emotional affair with another married woman who ended up being something of a confidant to him because she was also unhappy in her marriage. IN both cases he did not continue it because neither of those women were the "one" for him. The one-off hook up , he said he had no emotional connection with her. The married woman he felt close to as a friend but did not want to make it an intimate relationship. With me though it as different and I guess that's why he kept trying to find me all these years. It would have been easier to just shack up with random women. His wife knows exactly who I am and is on HIGH alert for anything involving me. If she so much as saw my name in his work email she'd lose her s**t. To this day she still asks him about me randomly.

 

While he enjoys sex with me, it isn't the purpose of why he speaks to me, or god knows he wouldnt try to track me down when he thinks Im halfway around the planet and knows I moved to another country. Our affair was often emotional, as I often withheld a physical relationship when it was getting complicated. In fact by some stroke of luck when he tracked me down a couple weeks ago I just happened to be in town visiting, but he wouldnt have known that. He wrote to me just saying he missed me terribly, missed our connected and wanted to at least talk again. I fill a void for him emotionally/intimately, and yes, sex was often a part of that, but I think men express themselves emotionally often via sex. Women are more adept at expressing this connection with words. This is a common theme in socio-psychological research.

 

I have often mentioned to him that maybe he only feels this way about me because I am "forbidden fruit", or because an affair is exciting. I've purported that perhaps if I was living with him every day, cleaning his laundry, popping out his children, seeing every day at its best AND worst that he'd feel differently. His response has always been to say that he is sure we'd have our downs, but he compares how he feels about me to how he felt about his wife when they first met, and that we are just two entirely different people. He feels his personality always has aligned more with the type of woman I am. That when he met his wife he thought she'd make a good wife and mother but that inwardly he was never IN love. On the basis of how different she and I are is how he assesses how we'd be if we were together longterm, given into account what comes with living with someone on a day to day basis.

 

maybe he's delusional and maybe he's not- who knows? We'll probably never find out to be fair.

 

This thread is bouncing all over the place-- ive gotten a handful of responses to my original query and I would love to get more from divorced dads out there :-)

 

But its gotten off thread a lot. I think the idea of an OW asking questions is provactive on a board like this and with understanding I have received responses from spouses who have been cheated on and are thus emotional about hearing from someone in my position. Which I totally understand.

 

And if they have questions for me on the OW perspective or what types of behavior and things their WS's have said/done , they are welcome to ask me and I'm happy to give insight into the other side of an affair. I have no ill will towards my MM's wife and have none towards them either.

[Poppy's sister]

Hi kismet,

I am in similar situation, only we are both married with children.

I wonder the same as you all the time

I could type loads and loads but will keep it short...I agree with comment about why do people think divorce is easy.

On other threads it was all I heard..." just divorce "

Yeh right!! And also heard a lot of ' if he loved you he would leave, nothing would stop him'

Yeh right!!!!

It just isn't that black and white.

Or that easy.

Pm me if you want to talk more.

[dichotomy]

I am a married man, but not (never) cheated. The things mentioned by your MM are things that have kept me in a difficult and often hurtful marriage. It would be difficult for you to understand (if not impossible) the bonds with children - and the consequences to a man during and after divorce.

 

 

I am also a child of divorce (and my mom remarried several times). I am also a step dad as well as a bio-dad. My brother is divorced with two kids. I have been on step parent support boards. Therefore I have more experienced more than many - the awful things that divorce does to children and also to divorced dads.

 

Every divorce and co parenting situation is going to be unique. I do know of a few divorced couples that co-parent well and the ex's are amicable and respectful and healthy, but this is rare.

 

I have very carefully examined what would happen in my situation and its very likely extremely unpleasant and unhealthy for me and my child. A downgrade in all areas of our lives - loss of home, schools, etc. Also I would literately crumble to the ground - have a major mental breakdown/mental illness -if another man came into my child's life. I have good reason to worry, that in my wife's case this could mean multiple and unhealthy men coming into my childs life if we divorced.

 

So I stay - but not "just stay" - but keep trying and hoping to fix things, i love my wife and want her to love me the same way, but how do you fix a wife who does not really cherish/desire you above all others?

 

Anyways back to you.

 

I believe what your MM says. You need to decide what you need in your life. Your MM is getting his needs met from having both situations. Are you willing to wait a decade till his kids are old enough? Maybe he will then and maybe he wont at that point. But if your looking for marriage, and kids and all that - please move on, because your only getting half of what you want/need while your MM gets it all.

Edited November 17, 2014 by dichotomy