! I had an affair and feel crazy!!!

[october87]

I have been with my BF for 8 years, we have a daughter together. My BF has a very hard time showing his emotions, he lacks affection severly BUT it is because of his childhood and reasons that I understand, I still love him. About 2 years ago we were having alot of issues and he ended up cheating on me with a ONS. I kicked him out for awhile and then after he proved himself, I took him back. I have been feeling very lonely and I have tried MANY times to tell him how I felt, he always says he will try harder but never does or he does for a little while. I was so miserable this summer that i reached out to an old friend (who happens to be married) I thought it would be ok, that I could control myself but I ended have an EA with this married friend (he is/was separted at the time).

 

My exOM is so affectionate and open, so different from my BF. For about 6 weeks the affair got physical (he performed oral on me several times but I did not do anything in return for him). Anyway the affair ended and now I miss my AP so much but I know it's for the best. I have an IC set up but it's a month from now and I feel crazy and lost. I can't focus on my relationship, I can't focus on my BF, I don't know if we or I can be happy again. I also lied to my AP and told him I was single so there was a point where he talked about divorcing his wife but i acted coldly towards a future together (because I was lying about being single) that I am sure I ran him back to his wife because he thought I didn't want him.

 

I feel like such a *****, I used my exOM but I do have feelings for him and care, I feel horrible about lying because he was honest about his separation. I also feel horrible for cheating on my BF, I guess I thought...OMG I have NO idea what I thought! I need some help to get control back over my feelings and get my focus right...the IC seems so far away...

Edited November 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

You live with an emotionally cold man who doesn't show you enough affection, that affection you managed to get from another man for a while, until real life got in the way and you separated.

 

You are bound to be upset and disorientated as your world has shifted.

What you have to ask yourself, can you be miserable for much of your life with a man who is not going to provide you or your child, with the emotional support you need, who cheated on you first, and who has not really changed.

 

I know you "love him", but what do you honestly love about him?

[october87]

You live with an emotionally cold man who doesn't show you enough affection, that affection you managed to get from another man for a while, until real life got in the way and you separated.

 

You are bound to be upset and disorientated as your world has shifted.

What you have to ask yourself, can you be miserable for much of your life with a man who is not going to provide you or your child, with the emotional support you need, who cheated on you first, and who has not really changed.

 

I know you "love him", but what do you honestly love about him?

He is a really nice and generous person, he loves our daughter to pieces, he always there for me, never judges me (I have anxiety and depression issues of my own). He tries hard for our family BUT he is very cold. He is the same way with his mom and sisters, he actually is quite a bit warmer with me BUT that isn't saying much. The only way to get him to open up is if he is drinking and then he is so talkative and affectionate. But he can't drink all the time, you know? My exOM was EVERYTHING I was missing but NOT everything I want in a man. I just want to take that wonderful affectionate side of exOM and put in my BF. Me and exOM could talk for hours about anything (same sense of humor and both love to talk). I feel so sad now that those things are gone from mylife...I'm not ready to be lonely again and honestly after being given a taste of what i want I don't think I can go back to that place of feeling alone and sad...

[jm2013]

He is a really nice and generous person, he loves our daughter to pieces, he always there for me, never judges me (I have anxiety and depression issues of my own). He tries hard for our family BUT he is very cold. He is the same way with his mom and sisters, he actually is quite a bit warmer with me BUT that isn't saying much. The only way to get him to open up is if he is drinking and then he is so talkative and affectionate. But he can't drink all the time, you know? My exOM was EVERYTHING I was missing but NOT everything I want in a man. I just want to take that wonderful affectionate side of exOM and put in my BF. Me and exOM could talk for hours about anything (same sense of humor and both love to talk). I feel so sad now that those things are gone from mylife...I'm not ready to be lonely again and honestly after being given a taste of what i want I don't think I can go back to that place of feeling alone and sad...

 

Was your current boyfriend like that in the beginning? Typically every relationship starts out like that. Great conversations, laughter and everything in between. Then when you both have learned everything about each other the relationship enters the routine, boring, stale mode. It sounds like you want to break up with your boyfriend. Why not break things off and see what happens. There's a good quote that always seems to be true - "You never know what you had until you lose it". When there's an ending it typically helps create new, unexpected responses. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting a different result. Why don't you tell your boyfriend about the affair and how you feel about him and walk away and see what happens.

[october87]

Was your current boyfriend like that in the beginning? Typically every relationship starts out like that. Great conversations, laughter and everything in between. Then when you both have learned everything about each other the relationship enters the routine, boring, stale mode. It sounds like you want to break up with your boyfriend. Why not break things off and see what happens. There's a good quote that always seems to be true - "You never know what you had until you lose it". When there's an ending it typically helps create new, unexpected responses. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting a different result. Why don't you tell your boyfriend about the affair and how you feel about him and walk away and see what happens.

I do not want to hurt him. I know I already have but disclosing the affair will be purely selfish on my part. I don't think he would handle it well. No my BF was not very talkative or affectionate in the beginning, of course he put on the same show all guys do when courting you but i could tell he was naturally more quiet, not as outgoing, not as open BUT I did not know how extreme all this was with him until our relationship progressed and I learned some pretty painful things about his childhood from his mom. He also has trouble showing affection and opening up to his own mom and she says he has always been like that ever since he was a child so it's some deep rooted issues there...

[elaine567]

Do you want to nursemaid him his whole life, and get very little back in return?

[october87]

I am not really sure what I am going to do at the moment because I cannot focus enough on anything! All I think about is this OM, how I miss, how i want to talk to him, how happy I felt at that time. I would like some advice on how to stop focusing so much of my mental energy on my AP. I need to refocus on my life and everything going on in it and I feel like I can't. I have my appt for IC but a month is too long to continue focusing on my AP who I pushed away anyway and is back with his wife. I do not want to waste a month away "pining" over what I lost. I just want my focus back

[katielee]

1. Tell boyfriend

 

2. Tell OM's wife - and also inform OM you're married.

 

See how things shake out once the light of day is shined on this affair.

 

Much of your original post lists excuses why you had an affair, blaming your BF. This is all on you.

[october87]

1. Tell boyfriend

 

2. Tell OM's wife - and also inform OM you're married.

 

See how things shake out once the light of day is shined on this affair.

 

Much of your original post lists excuses why you had an affair, blaming your BF. This is all on you.

I know this is on me. I just needed to paint the picture so people can see where I am after 8 years. I am very unhappy with myself and the decisions I made, I am going to IC to figure out my issues.

[elaine567]

You're reality is being chained to a man that cheated on you and is emotionally shut down. If he was going to IC and working through his issues with you in MC and you could see some improvement, then it may be seen as unfair of you to walk away, but that is not the reality.

 

The genie is out of the bottle, you glimpsed a better life and you want that back.

You are putting your AP on a pedestal, as you were hungry for affection and normal human emotion, and he just happened to be there.

In normal circumstances you may or may not be suited, but in these abnormal circumstances, he is your opium and you are addicted and at the moment you are in withdrawal.

Recognise this, for what it is.

 

But your bigger issue, is your cold bf, my advice, is not to let an emotionally cold man drain you of all your life, because he will.

One day, after he has sucked you dry, he may just walk away to seek a more "understanding" partner.

[Darren Steez]

He is a really nice and generous person, he loves our daughter to pieces, he always there for me, never judges me (I have anxiety and depression issues of my own). He tries hard for our family BUT he is very cold. He is the same way with his mom and sisters, he actually is quite a bit warmer with me BUT that isn't saying much. The only way to get him to open up is if he is drinking and then he is so talkative and affectionate. But he can't drink all the time, you know? My exOM was EVERYTHING I was missing but NOT everything I want in a man. I just want to take that wonderful affectionate side of exOM and put in my BF. Me and exOM could talk for hours about anything (same sense of humor and both love to talk). I feel so sad now that those things are gone from mylife...I'm not ready to be lonely again and honestly after being given a taste of what i want I don't think I can go back to that place of feeling alone and sad...

 

Wow, you have time to "talk for hours"? Between raising a daughter, work and your boyfriend how did you find the time?

[october87]

Wow, you have time to "talk for hours"? Between raising a daughter, work and your boyfriend how did you find the time?

My BF works nights. My daughter is young and goes to bed before 9pm. Idle time is the devil's playground I guess.

[jm2013]

I guess I don't get this all. Your BF makes you unhappy but your AP is the love of your life and he's the only thing running through your mind day in day out. Then you have this nagging going on which is some sort of pity on your boyfriend because of a rough child hood which seems like the only thing gluing your relationship together right now. How did you affair end? Did he break it off with you to work on his marriage?

[october87]

I guess I don't get this all. Your BF makes you unhappy but your AP is the love of your life and he's the only thing running through your mind day in day out. Then you have this nagging going on which is some sort of pity on your boyfriend because of a rough child hood which seems like the only thing gluing your relationship together right now. How did you affair end? Did he break it off with you to work on his marriage?

AP is NOT the love of my life. Yes he runs through my mind all day because I'm addicted to his attention and what I was missing i guess. I know it is just lust I feel for AP ( I had a chance to be with him in the past and I shot him down for reasons that still apply today). RE: My BF, I wouldn't call it pity, I UNDERSTAND ( I have childhood trauma as well) him and so it hurts me to tell him that the very thing i understand about him is the reason I am leaving him. The affair didn't really end...just started fizzling out I guess, AP was getting to open with wanting to be with me so I started acting cold because I didn't want to lead him to think it could be more than an affair. He sensed this and said we should stop so he can try on his marriage one last time. he was worried he would leave his wife for me and then I wouldn't be with him so he would have egg on his face. So yes essentially he broke it off to work on his marriage AFTER I shut down any talk of a future together and basically let him know I had no idea if i would be with him in the future.

[jm2013]

AP is NOT the love of my life. Yes he runs through my mind all day because I'm addicted to his attention and what I was missing i guess. I know it is just lust I feel for AP ( I had a chance to be with him in the past and I shot him down for reasons that still apply today). RE: My BF, I wouldn't call it pity, I UNDERSTAND ( I have childhood trauma as well) him and so it hurts me to tell him that the very thing i understand about him is the reason I am leaving him. The affair didn't really end...just started fizzling out I guess, AP was getting to open with wanting to be with me so I started acting cold because I didn't want to lead him to think it could be more than an affair. He sensed this and said we should stop so he can try on his marriage one last time. he was worried he would leave his wife for me and then I wouldn't be with him so he would have egg on his face. So yes essentially he broke it off to work on his marriage AFTER I shut down any talk of a future together and basically let him know I had no idea if i would be with him in the future.

 

This is kind of interesting to me. My wife "claims" pretty much the same as to what you just said. She had an affair with a co worker who was married and she claims she never wanted to be with him. I was completely baffled. All she would say is he was there emotionally for her and listened. Of course he was listening with the intentions of having his way with her. Typical give and take.

 

If you plan on being with your BF and not separating perhaps you can make things more fun. Communication helps and you need to communicate your needs to him. I think if you tell him how you feel and give him a choice to change or you leave you might start getting somewhere. Also, it may help your relationship in the areas it is faltering. Good luck to you.

[elaine567]

Your AP obviously fell for you harder than you did for him. That was a pretty selfish and cold way for you to treat him IMO.

 

Is it selfish and cold or is it just realistic and honest?

She could have strung him along and he would have then left his wife. Would that have been the right thing to do then?

As it is, he is mending his marriage, and october87 is now deciding what she can do to make her life more fulfilling.

[jm2013]

Is it selfish and cold or is it just realistic and honest?

She could have strung him along and he would have then left his wife. Would that have been the right thing to do then?

As it is, he is mending his marriage, and october87 is now deciding what she can do to make her life more fulfilling.

 

To answer your questions, yes, it would have been the right thing to do. Not string him along but he should have left his wife. Maybe when he was left with neither of them he would have taken a step back and realized how stupid he was.

[GoBlue]

You have the capacity to control what you dwell on in your own mind. Feelings will always subside when you take the necessary steps to bring your thoughts under submission. I am not sure what an IC is - but disclosure is always a great way to get grounded again. He cheated on you - you found out and kicked him out - now you have cheated on him. So, do you plan on keeping this a secret? There is no need to sit back and wait four weeks to get your brain right. Have you considered responding to your BF and your exOM the same way you would want them to respond to you? You are in a relationship for eight years with a man whom you have a child with but are not married to and both of you have now had affairs. What is it that you really want? How about a stable environment for your child...I hope you and your BF get help and decide to deal with whatever issues you both have and make a decision that is best for that baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[elaine567]

To answer your questions, yes, it would have been the right thing to do. Not string him along but he should have left his wife. Maybe when he was left with neither of them he would have taken a step back and realized how stupid he was.

 

Why did he need to leave his wife?

[harrybrown]

The relationship with the OM was not real, you did it in fantasyland.

 

The OM is not the best man in the world. You may think so, but he cheated on his wife with you.

 

If you do try to get back together with the OM, he will cheat on you and you will have those feelings of pain that occur when your heart is ripped out of your chest.

 

Think about the OM in reality. If he is so wonderful, how could his wife bear to part with him?

 

Use the 180 and think about the pain of your daughter. My friend's daughter was sexually abused by his wife's OM. Of course your OM is different, he would never hurt your daughter.

 

Good luck, but think about how this will impact your daughter. Please tell your boyfriend. Yes it will hurt for years, but he needs to know.

 

Did you get tested by your Doc after the A?

 

I hope so. Good luck to you and your family. Have your BF go with you to counseling.

 

Have you read not just friends while you are waiting for your counseling?

[jm2013]

Why did he need to leave his wife?

 

He had already left his wife the second he crossed the boundaries with another woman.

[elaine567]

Harry Brown

The OP if you read the thread, does not want to be with the OM, SHE finished it.

AND no woman with a daughter can ever have a relationship with anyone that is not the child's biological father for fear of sexual abuse, is that what you are saying???

 

Please tell your boyfriend. Yes it will hurt for years, but he needs to know.

Why would telling an emotionally cold, damaged person, she cheated on him do any good?

[elaine567]

He had already left his wife the second he crossed the boundaries with another woman.

Wait a minute, so you are saying that anyone who cheats needs to leave their husband wife immediately they step over the boundary.

No mending of marriages?

No reconciliations?

[october87]

The relationship with the OM was not real, you did it in fantasyland.

 

The OM is not the best man in the world. You may think so, but he cheated on his wife with you.

 

If you do try to get back together with the OM, he will cheat on you and you will have those feelings of pain that occur when your heart is ripped out of your chest.

 

Think about the OM in reality. If he is so wonderful, how could his wife bear to part with him?

 

Use the 180 and think about the pain of your daughter. My friend's daughter was sexually abused by his wife's OM. Of course your OM is different, he would never hurt your daughter.

 

Good luck, but think about how this will impact your daughter. Please tell your boyfriend. Yes it will hurt for years, but he needs to know.

 

Did you get tested by your Doc after the A?

 

I hope so. Good luck to you and your family. Have your BF go with you to counseling.

 

Have you read not just friends while you are waiting for your counseling?

 

Thank you. No I have not read not just friends but I will look into. Couple things, I know OM isn't all that wonderful, he only gives me everything Im missing not everything I want or need. He wanted to be with me back before he got married but he wasn't the one for me, I knew it then like I know it now. He has NEVER been around my child, I will not allow it period. I am very protective of who my child meets and when. He wanted to get our kids together but I said no. As far as getting tested after my A yes I had my physical and pap and I requested an STD check (herpes and all because you have to actually ask for that one). I am all clear but my A consisted of him only giving oral. I never slept with him or gave him anything in return. Selfish I know.

[jm2013]

Wait a minute, so you are saying that anyone who cheats needs to leave their husband wife immediately they step over the boundary.

No mending of marriages?

No reconciliations?

 

No, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is it would be proper for him to have left his wife while he was having an affair. To further expand on what I was saying the WS does leave the BS emotionally while in an affair. Their attention gets focused mostly on the AP during the entire betrayal until they're exposed. If his BS wanted to give him another that he may have asked for and she wanted it then so be it. I just don't find a point to be married to one specific person if a WS will always feel the need to find support from parties outside of their spouse.