! I had an affair and feel crazy!!!

[oldshirt]

 

My exOM was EVERYTHING I was missing but NOT everything I want in a man. I just want to take that wonderful affectionate side of exOM and put in my BF.

 

 

 

(Side bar comment for other posters to note. This is frequently all it takes for an affair to occur. A BH could be the perfect man and husband except for "_______" And if some guy is providing that one key ingredient she is missing at home, that can be all it takes.

 

That is why many BHs are caught so off guard when they learn who the OM is and it turns out he is unemployed or shorter or fatter or less good looking etc. the OM often is not "better" in all things. Often he is just proving something ( something the WW values) that the BH is not. )

[twosadthings]

Has your boyfriend/SO, not the guy you betrayed him with, ever said and shown he loves you? Does he make you happy in ways you haven't told here or is that a part of of the 80% he provides?

 

I have an MBA and have always been pretty good with analyzing numbers. It makes much more sense to me to go after the 20% that is missing with the person you already have the 80% with. Otherwise you are risking 100% of the relationsip with that person not to mention 50% of the time with your child. The risk (physical danger, disease, personal shame, a lost relationship, time with your child) just isn't worth the reward of ego satisfaction the properly should be coming from your child's father if you can honestly say you love him.

 

lastly, if you do love him, get him the help he needs to express his love for you. You will reap the benefit, your child will benefit, and just as importantly, someone you love will benefit. It's far more worth your time and effort than selfishly being faithless.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings

[aliveagain]

Thank you. No I have not read not just friends but I will look into. Couple things, I know OM isn't all that wonderful, he only gives me everything Im missing not everything I want or need. He wanted to be with me back before he got married but he wasn't the one for me, I knew it then like I know it now. He has NEVER been around my child, I will not allow it period. I am very protective of who my child meets and when. He wanted to get our kids together but I said no. As far as getting tested after my A yes I had my physical and pap and I requested an STD check (herpes and all because you have to actually ask for that one). I am all clear but my A consisted of him only giving oral. I never slept with him or gave him anything in return. Selfish I know.

 

I guess you taught your boyfriend a thing or two, too bad he doesn't know it yet. His ONS didn't cause anyone to contemplate leaving their spouse, look at how many people you have involved with your affair. You are the hub in this disaster and you are the only person that can fix it. You knew your affair partner before he married, is he an ex boyfriend, does your boyfriend know him? You call your spouse your boyfriend, you've been together 8 years, you have a child together, you live together, I believe the proper term is Common Law Husband. You will be required to split assets, work out custody for your child no different than a regular marriage.

 

There is only one way to get through this and it includes honesty to everyone. There can be no secrets from any spouse and both you and your CL husband require independent counselling to get to the root of your foo issues and why you both look outside of your relationship for validation from others. It seems to me that communication is a huge part of both your problems, now's a really good time to start communicating by telling the truth. The truth will set you free one way or another.

[october87]

Thanks for all the advice. My BF and I are going to do therapy together and I am hopeful we can get somethings solved. I am also looking forward to my own therapy so I don't make these kind of mistakes in the future. Lately I have been feeling guilty about lying to my exAP about my status. I feel bad I gave him hope and that his wife probably felt some pain and distance, so I feel guilt about that as well. Even though my BF had a one night stand that hurt me and him, I had an affair that hurt more people than that. I hurt my exAP by lying to him, future faking him and actually letting him make moves towards a divorce, I hurt his wife because I am sure she felt the changes in him and felt him drifting away and then I hurt by BF by cheating and being dishonest, and last (and certainly least) I am hurt by own disgusting actions.

 

I have read quite a few threads on here about how MM think and act during affairs and i was shocked to see that my thinking pattern was very similar, even though I am a woman. I NEVER planned to leave my BF and was going to string along and use my OM as long as he let me. I didn't intend to develop feelings but it happened. I was beyond selfish, I lied, I future faked, I had NO intention of ever leaving for him. I KNEW it was all fantasy but I liked it, I liked my fantasy world but it was beginning to be real to my exAP and nothing about reality made it seem fun with him anymore so i started pulling away...hopefully therapy can help me find ways to avoid this type of behavior in the future

Edited November 21, 2014 by october87

[truncated]

Harry Brown

The OP if you read the thread, does not want to be with the OM, SHE finished it.

AND no woman with a daughter can ever have a relationship with anyone that is not the child's biological father for fear of sexual abuse, is that what you are saying???

 

 

Why would telling an emotionally cold, damaged person, she cheated on him do any good?

 

A thought.

 

Just becuse someone is not gushing with the words of emotion, that does not mean they do not feel them. Often, these are the people who feel thm most, while those who gush with the verbal language of love can sometimes be quite shallow. Words are all they have.

[SawtoothMars]

I have been with my BF for 8 years, we have a daughter together. My BF has a very hard time showing his emotions, he lacks affection severly BUT it is because of his childhood and reasons that I understand, I still love him. About 2 years ago we were having alot of issues and he ended up cheating on me with a ONS. I kicked him out for awhile and then after he proved himself, I took him back. I have been feeling very lonely and I have tried MANY times to tell him how I felt, he always says he will try harder but never does or he does for a little while. I was so miserable this summer that i reached out to an old friend (who happens to be married) I thought it would be ok, that I could control myself but I ended have an EA with this married friend (he is/was separted at the time).

My exOM is so affectionate and open, so different from my BF. For about 6 weeks the affair got physical (he performed oral on me several times but I did not do anything in return for him). Anyway the affair ended and now I miss my AP so much but I know it's for the best. I have an IC set up but it's a month from now and I feel crazy and lost. I can't focus on my relationship, I can't focus on my BF, I don't know if we or I can be happy again. I also lied to my AP and told him I was single so there was a point where he talked about divorcing his wife but i acted coldly towards a future together (because I was lying about being single) that I am sure I ran him back to his wife because he thought I didn't want him.

I feel like such a *****, I used my exOM but I do have feelings for him and care, I feel horrible about lying because he was honest about his separation. I also feel horrible for cheating on my BF, I guess I thought...OMG I have NO idea what I thought! I need some help to get control back over my feelings and get my focus right...the IC seems so far away...

 

When I read these posts from Cheaters... I always look for something that says "good person", before making a comment.

 

I don't see that here... I just see self centered. Just as you can't fix stupid, you cannot salvage selfish. Sorry OP but you are not currently worth it. When the entire world is no longer all about you... come back and there may be a constructive conversation to be had.

[october87]

When I read these posts from Cheaters... I always look for something that says "good person", before making a comment.

 

I don't see that here... I just see self centered. Just as you can't fix stupid, you cannot salvage selfish. Sorry OP but you are not currently worth it. When the entire world is no longer all about you... come back and there may be a constructive conversation to be had.

This is the rudest thing ever to say and i wonder about a person who would tell me "I'm not worth it". What I am worth you have no idea and do not have the right to tell me. All you know is what I put on this board, so please continue thinking you know anything about me through a couple paragraphs. You are very judgemental and I have a hard time associating that with "good person". Sooo I am a "bad" person because I was faithful for 8 years of my life to a man I love, who cheated on me and hurt me in other ways. And then ONE time in 8 years I stepped out on him because I was starving??? Please stop.

 

Furthurmore I am on this board looking for advice to move past this and NOT repeat the behavior. I could very well be off in my real life continuing to cheat and string my exAP along but NO I am here trying to move forward..

Edited November 21, 2014 by october87

[truncated]

This is the rudest thing ever to say and i wonder about a person who would tell me "I'm not worth it". What I am worth you have no idea and do not have the right to tell me. All you know is what I put on this board, so please continue thinking you know anything about me through a couple paragraphs. You are very judgemental and I have a hard time associating that with "good person". Sooo I am a "bad" person because I was faithful for 8 years of my life to a man I love, who cheated on me and hurt me in other ways. And then ONE time in 8 years I stepped out on him because I was starving??? Please stop.

 

Furthurmore I am on this board looking for advice to move past this and NOT repeat the behavior. I could very well be off in my real life continuing to cheat and string my exAP along but NO I am here trying to move forward..

 

 

If you are waiting for words fro him that say he loves you, you may be waiting for a long time, as that may not be the way he expresses it. Are there other thinsg he does that show he loves you? If you aren't sure, ask him.

[nightmare01]

I do not want to hurt him. I know I already have but disclosing the affair will be purely selfish on my part. I don't think he would handle it well.

 

Um no..

 

Telling your BF would empower him. Not telling him makes him your puppet.

 

If you control what a person knows, you control their actions. By not telling your BF you control what he knows, therefore you control his actions. By controlling is actions you take away his freedom to make sound decisions about his life and choose his own path.

 

To do this to a person is deeply disrespectful.. and not an act of love at all.

 

Not telling your BH is purely selfish on your part. You want to keep him around for what he provides you and your child. He is solid and dependable, and you want to keep that. So you selfishly lie to keep things as they are.

 

Your BF will probably forgive you, or at least give you a chance toward earning forgiveness. This can be a wake up call for your relationship.

[Chi townD]

Wait a minute, so you are saying that anyone who cheats needs to leave their husband wife immediately they step over the boundary.

No mending of marriages?

No reconciliations?

 

 

 

Not unless that person is willing to own up to their own sh*t. To take responsibility for their own actions. Not to be pointing fingers and saying, "I'm sorry I hurt you, but if you were more emotionally available. then this would have never happened."

 

 

If a person isn't willing to claim 100% responsibility for the choices that THEY MADE FOR THEMSELVES, then you're wasting your time with reconciliation.

[Thegreatestthing]

I think fidelity is not for some people,people should be allowed to sleep with and chat with other people when they're bored in their relationship,just because chocolate ice cream is my favourite and I chose it above all other flavours doesn't mean I have to eat it for the rest of my life.

[Chi townD]

I think fidelity is not for some people,people should be allowed to sleep with and chat with other people when they're bored in their relationship,just because chocolate ice cream is my favourite and I chose it above all other flavours doesn't mean I have to eat it for the rest of my life.

 

Well, if you feel this way, then there's no point of being in a relationship at all.

[Thegreatestthing]

There's many pluses to being in a relationship why should I give that up.

[jellybean89]

I hadn't read this thread before posting to your other thread. I see that you lied to the MM about being single. I am assuming that you have now told him you are with someone and have been for the last few years?

 

Have you and the BF started therapy together? Have you two discussed in therapy your cheating and his? Is BF working on his childhood issues? Can you accept him the way he is?

 

His ONS was wrong, just as your affair was wrong. Have you both been HONEST with each other about what happened and are you working on your individual issues?

[sandylee1]

That was a rude uncalled for response from sawtoothemars. Best to let it go.

 

Hopefully you are in IC now and CC with your BF. Sometimes when one partner is unfaithful, it makes it easier to do the same. I'm not saying it's right, but is often a sign you didn't get over their betrayal.

 

I hope you can both be honest in CC and express what you need from each other to make the relationship better and healthier.

 

If you're still around, let us know how it's going.

[HomanWater]

There's many pluses to being in a relationship why should I give that up.

 

Maybe because a relationship takes two? Maybe because there would be another person, who has their needs, wishes too and might not tolerate that? And maybe that other person's needs and wishes are just as important as yours?

 

Maybe if you cannot comprehend that, don't inflict yourself on others?

[Spectre]

To the OP: What did your boyfriend say when you told him you cheated on him? How did he react to this information? Did he say he wants to try to work on your relationship?

Edited December 30, 2014 by Spectre

[goodyblue]

Wow, you have time to "talk for hours"? Between raising a daughter, work and your boyfriend how did you find the time?

 

Wow, you have time to work,raise kids, have a social life? You sound ridiculous. I have six kids, worked full time and still talked to my guy ALL DAY during the affair (actually we still do). Your comment speaks more of you than OP.

[goodyblue]

This is the rudest thing ever to say and i wonder about a person who would tell me "I'm not worth it". What I am worth you have no idea and do not have the right to tell me. All you know is what I put on this board, so please continue thinking you know anything about me through a couple paragraphs. You are very judgemental and I have a hard time associating that with "good person". Sooo I am a "bad" person because I was faithful for 8 years of my life to a man I love, who cheated on me and hurt me in other ways. And then ONE time in 8 years I stepped out on him because I was starving??? Please stop.

 

Furthurmore I am on this board looking for advice to move past this and NOT repeat the behavior. I could very well be off in my real life continuing to cheat and string my exAP along but NO I am here trying to move forward..

 

I am sorry you had to read that rude response. I hate to tell you this but unfortunately you will get a lot of angry responses because a lot of the people here have been betrayed and will use you, and anyone else that will allow it, as their whipping boy.

 

I am sorry you are in a scrappy situation. I can't tell you what to do but I don't believe in disclosure. You would only hurt your boyfriend. I believe it is yours to tell if you decide and nobody should tell you otherwise.

 

So what are your plans in moving forward?

[DKT3]

I am sorry you had to read that rude response. I hate to tell you this but unfortunately you will get a lot of angry responses because a lot of the people here have been betrayed and will use you, and anyone else that will allow it, as their whipping boy.

 

I am sorry you are in a scrappy situation. I can't tell you what to do but I don't believe in disclosure. You would only hurt your boyfriend. I believe it is yours to tell if you decide and nobody should tell you otherwise.

 

So what are your plans in moving forward?

 

What utter non-sense.

 

Its one thing to not tell if you plan on leaving, but if you plan on staying and making it work then the BS deserves the chioce. Of course this is hard for some to understand. Not to mention affairs don't go away, people aways know, no matter how careful you were.

 

We've had many stories here about how the BS found out 5, 10 or 20 years down the line and for them it may as well have happened last Friday. It still blows up the marriage.

[truncated]

Op,

considering the advice you've been given on this thread. there's been a lot, and it may seem hard to sift through it all lookig for the nuggests of truth.

 

In my opinion, if I were in your shoes, I would pay close attention to that given by people who have been BS's. They know how your partner might feel, and they know the consequences of the lying. Many ( but not all) of the people who advcate for lying have been involved in an affair. What does that tell you? This isn't saying they are bad people, but rather that they may be basing their 'don't tell" advice upon what is best for them and their situation ( an affair) and not the long term relationship.

 

You say that you wnat to keep your long term partner, which is great, if that's what you want. the thing is that once you decide that, you have to stick to it, and not let anyone else's needs come first. In this context, that means puttng the relationship first, not your needs, or, for that matter, even your boyfriends ( you're not married to him? if you are, sorry for the misunderstanding). I'm no relationship expeert, but one thing I do know is that relationships can't be built on lies. they just can't. Sooner or later they have a way of comming out, and you'll either be "outed" or slowly poisoned by keeing the lie to yourself. Some people even begin to tale that out on their spouses, which is the exact opposite of what you want.

 

yes, it's going to hurt to tell him the truth, both hurt him and hurt you too. It won't be an easy time, and it could even spell the end of your relationship with him. I know that can be frightening, but it's the proverbial elephant in the room, and ignoring it won't make it go away. After all, if you were able to push it all under the rug and simply go on with your life, then you wouldn't be on a forum, trying to find some help and advice.

[road]

What utter non-sense.

 

Its one thing to not tell if you plan on leaving, but if you plan on staying and making it work then the BS deserves the chioce. Of course this is hard for some to understand. Not to mention affairs don't go away, people aways know, no matter how careful you were.

 

We've had many stories here about how the BS found out 5, 10 or 20 years down the line and for them it may as well have happened last Friday. It still blows up the marriage.

 

 

 

I second this for the truth always finds a way to come out. Better to blow up the marriage now when your are both young enough to do the repair work and have many years to forget. Then to be older, tired, and chances you or your BS will be dead before there is enough time to recover and forget.

[Mal78]

This is the rudest thing ever to say and i wonder about a person who would tell me "I'm not worth it". What I am worth you have no idea and do not have the right to tell me. All you know is what I put on this board, so please continue thinking you know anything about me through a couple paragraphs. You are very judgemental and I have a hard time associating that with "good person". Sooo I am a "bad" person because I was faithful for 8 years of my life to a man I love, who cheated on me and hurt me in other ways. And then ONE time in 8 years I stepped out on him because I was starving??? Please stop.

 

Furthurmore I am on this board looking for advice to move past this and NOT repeat the behavior. I could very well be off in my real life continuing to cheat and string my exAP along but NO I am here trying to move forward..

 

I'm confused, you stepped out because *he* did? Was this a revenge affair? If so, why not tell him so that satisfaction isn't wasted?

 

You stayed faithful for 8... whole... years! I'm not sure if a reward should be had here because your bf doesn't know so you say 8 years he thinks differently. I've stayed faithful to my H for 20 years even though he didn't. I'm sure in similar situation the BS stayed faithful for 50+ years. Your argument is invalid.

 

Does this A make you a bad person? No. Does it make you human to make mistakes? Of course. By not coming clean, owning up and taking responsibility for your actions does that make you a bad person? YES!!!

 

It's not a little white lie such as how much you actually spent on those shoes. It is a life altering lie. It will eat you (if it doesn't that says A LOT about you). You get to know about your bf affair and he gets to make it up to you for the... rest... of... his... life! Lucky him! Meanwhile you will allow him to suffer the pain in knowing he has wronged you and his daughter. He will tiptoe around certain subjects not to hurt you or have it brought up. He will living life knowing he could never be your equal in faithful. He would deserves ALL those things IF that was the case.

[goodyblue]

What utter non-sense.

 

Its one thing to not tell if you plan on leaving, but if you plan on staying and making it work then the BS deserves the chioce. Of course this is hard for some to understand. Not to mention affairs don't go away, people aways know, no matter how careful you were.

 

We've had many stories here about how the BS found out 5, 10 or 20 years down the line and for them it may as well have happened last Friday. It still blows up the marriage.

 

It is nonsense to you because you are a betrayed. I don't happen to agree. BUT... I would never stay in a marriage where there had been infidelity so perhaps I'm the wrong person to ask.

[Zenstudent]

It is nonsense to you because you are a betrayed. I don't happen to agree. BUT... I would never stay in a marriage where there had been infidelity so perhaps I'm the wrong person to ask.

Maybe you're right - people in affairs are not the right people to ask if secrecy and betrayal should be revealed. I think it would be more appropriate to ask those who have been affected by it.