! I had an affair and feel crazy!!!

[goodyblue]

I am not in an affair. But I don't stick my head in the sand about why it happens or that if it did the reasons for it would fall on both partners. Not the affair itself but definitely the reasons the decision was reached, with a few exceptions.

 

And I don't kid myself about how it could ruin lives if the affair was exposed in some cases. Don't tell me the affair already did th a t, I am not daft. But if someone goes their whole life and never finds out, they are not hurt. It is like breaking an old t e a cup that was a favorite. Kept in the back of the cabinet, never used, nobody ever noticed it was even gone. Nobody was worse off for not knowing.

Edited December 31, 2014 by goodyblue

[LifesontheUp]

I'm a BS of very many years ago.

 

I believe in HONESTY in my relationships, not lies to cover something that I did which may or may not be found out.

 

October87, I think that if you want to work with your bf and make your relationship work, you need to tell him what happened. That way, if he wants to make it work you can both go to counselling and try and work on your issues.

 

Wish you luck

[jbrent890]

I am not in an affair. But I don't stick my head in the sand about why it happens or that if it did the reasons for it would fall on both partners. Not the affair itself but definitely the reasons the decision was reached, with a few exceptions.

 

And I don't kid myself about how it could ruin lives if the affair was exposed in some cases. Don't tell me the affair already did th a t, I am not daft. But if someone goes their whole life and never finds out, they are not hurt. It is like breaking an old t e a cup that was a favorite. Kept in the back of the cabinet, never used, nobody ever noticed it was even gone. Nobody was worse off for not knowing.

 

Seriously! That tea cup analogy is the best you can come up with. Sorry but there is no comparison. Yes, there are some people out there that are better off not knowing if they were cheated on, particularly those who would harm themselves or others upon learning. For the rest of the world, most people do not want to waste their time, energy, and most importantly money on a cheater. Seriously take a look at this site. The WSs that chose not to confess are having a hard time keeping it together and are breaking NC left and right. DKT said it best. When you don't confess, you have no checks and balances to keep you from contacting the AP. After everything that happened to me, I'm a firm believer that it's not the cheaters right to decide how the relationship should proceed after they cheated. If they were so freckin concerned with hurting their partner, they wouldn't have cheated in the first place. Let's be honest here, most people that chose not to confess did so not to protect their partners but themselves.

 

Even though you say you would leave a cheater, it's obvious that you would not want to know if you were cheated on. That's fine. However, that's YOUR decision. Like I said, most other people would want to know. The advice you gave is bs to me. I'm sorry but it is. Her cheating was hers, so she should keep it to herself. Wrong. The OP pariticipated in an action that impacts both her and her BF, so it's not hers, it's theirs. The most disturbing aspect about this though is that she is going to let her boyfried believe that he is the sole cheater. I really do hope she is still not making him by feel guilty about this.

Edited December 31, 2014 by jbrent890

[october87]

Seriously! That tea cup analogy is the best you can come up with. Sorry but there is no comparison. Yes, there are some people out there that are better off not knowing if they were cheated on, particularly those who would harm themselves or others upon learning. For the rest of the world, most people do not want to waste their time, energy, and most importantly money on a cheater. Seriously take a look at this site. The WSs that chose not to confess are having a hard time keeping it together and are breaking NC left and right. DKT said it best. When you don't confess, you have no checks and balances to keep you from contacting the AP. After everything that happened to me, I'm a firm believer that it's not the cheaters right to decide how the relationship should proceed after they cheated. If they were so freckin concerned with hurting their partner, they wouldn't have cheated in the first place. Let's be honest here, most people that chose not to confess did so not to protect their partners but themselves.

 

Even though you say you would leave a cheater, it's obvious that you would not want to know if you were cheated on. That's fine. However, that's YOUR decision. Like I said, most other people would want to know. The advice you gave is bs to me. I'm sorry but it is. Her cheating was hers, so she should keep it to herself. Wrong. The OP pariticipated in an action that impacts both her and her BF, so it's not hers, it's theirs. The most disturbing aspect about this though is that she is going to let her boyfried believe that he is the sole cheater. I really do hope she is still not making him by feel guilty about this.

 

But couldn't the same be applied to my BF? I am not placing blame on him for my affair, that was my choice, BUT he did participate in what led up to it. I would sound dumb as heck if I sat here said I cheated for absolutely no reason and that would be a lie. I have NEVER considered cheating until he opened that door...

 

He didn't give me a confession and upon me finding out in a horrible way, he admitted that he wasn't going to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me and that MAYBE he would have told me one day. So according to the standard he set in our relationship, am I not allowed to figure if/when I want to confess unless something else brings it to light?

 

My BF will have a right to be hurt and angry but really how many stones is he going to be allowed to throw? And I didn't actually sleep with my OM.

[october87]

I'm a BS of very many years ago.

 

I believe in HONESTY in my relationships, not lies to cover something that I did which may or may not be found out.

 

October87, I think that if you want to work with your bf and make your relationship work, you need to tell him what happened. That way, if he wants to make it work you can both go to counselling and try and work on your issues.

 

Wish you luck

 

I am a BS/GF too. I know what it feels like. I am going to tell him, and I do want to do CC. Thanks for advice. Thanks for the luck, I need it.

[october87]

Maybe you're right - people in affairs are not the right people to ask if secrecy and betrayal should be revealed. I think it would be more appropriate to ask those who have been affected by it.

 

So is my BF the person to ask? Since he had no intention on telling me?

[Clay]

But couldn't the same be applied to my BF? I am not placing blame on him for my affair, that was my choice, BUT he did participate in what led up to it. I would sound dumb as heck if I sat here said I cheated for absolutely no reason and that would be a lie. I have NEVER considered cheating until he opened that door...

 

He didn't give me a confession and upon me finding out in a horrible way, he admitted that he wasn't going to tell me because he didn't want to hurt me and that MAYBE he would have told me one day. So according to the standard he set in our relationship, am I not allowed to figure if/when I want to confess unless something else brings it to light?

 

My BF will have a right to be hurt and angry but really how many stones is he going to be allowed to throw? And I didn't actually sleep with my OM.

 

 

That's about him and what kind of person he wants to be in life. Being honest for your mistakes and choices is about you. What kind of a person do you really want to be. Do you really want to look back later on in life and think I could have done the right thing but I was to selfish to do it. I am a BS and I think for me its about owning what you do in your life. After my xW cheated on me and we had been apart for six months I did some real soul searching and realized some of the mistakes I made along the way as well. I called her up and apologized for them. It wasn't about her it was more about doing the right thing. If you truly want your marriage to survive this then you have to go back to your vows and honor them with your H. Give him the same rights that you have been using.

 

I know some people think they are protection the BS but honestly I would have rather known upfront instead of finding out on my own.

 

Clay

[october87]

I'm confused, you stepped out because *he* did? Was this a revenge affair? If so, why not tell him so that satisfaction isn't wasted?

 

You stayed faithful for 8... whole... years! I'm not sure if a reward should be had here because your bf doesn't know so you say 8 years he thinks differently. I've stayed faithful to my H for 20 years even though he didn't. I'm sure in similar situation the BS stayed faithful for 50+ years. Your argument is invalid.

 

Does this A make you a bad person? No. Does it make you human to make mistakes? Of course. By not coming clean, owning up and taking responsibility for your actions does that make you a bad person? YES!!!

 

It's not a little white lie such as how much you actually spent on those shoes. It is a life altering lie. It will eat you (if it doesn't that says A LOT about you). You get to know about your bf affair and he gets to make it up to you for the... rest... of... his... life! Lucky him! Meanwhile you will allow him to suffer the pain in knowing he has wronged you and his daughter. He will tiptoe around certain subjects not to hurt you or have it brought up. He will living life knowing he could never be your equal in faithful. He would deserves ALL those things IF that was the case.

 

ok so first. I do not think it was a revenge affair per se but I will say knowing he already cheated made it ALOT easier to convince myself it was ok. It is alot easier because part of me was still hurt and felt he deserved it in away.

 

I don't think I deserve a reward for being faithful for 8 years. The 8 years only correlates how long we have been together. So what I mean to say is I was faithful our WHOLE relationship, even though his lack of affection hurt me, I still never considering cheating. I was faithful the whole time and he couldn't be, whether it was 5 years, 8 years or 20 years. The time is moot. Him cheating put the idea in my head and the fact he wasn't faithful and I was made me want to hurt him back. As silly as it seems, I thought if we were even then his cheating wouldn't bother me as much. For 2 years I constantly thought about how he cheated, picturing it in my mind, comparing myself to any girl he had contact with...it was bad, I wanted things to be fair again. The irony is I no longer obess over my BF's ONS. And that's what I really wanted to begin with these past 2 years. I got there in a messed up way though but it no longer bothers me the way it was.

 

Is my BF a bad person for not coming clean to me? He wasn't even going to tell me. We are equal, on the same playing field.

Edited December 31, 2014 by october87

[october87]

I hadn't read this thread before posting to your other thread. I see that you lied to the MM about being single. I am assuming that you have now told him you are with someone and have been for the last few years?

 

Have you and the BF started therapy together? Have you two discussed in therapy your cheating and his? Is BF working on his childhood issues? Can you accept him the way he is?

 

His ONS was wrong, just as your affair was wrong. Have you both been HONEST with each other about what happened and are you working on your individual issues?

 

No I have not told MOM the truth yet and I guess that plays apart in my other thread.

I have started therapy and my BF and I will be starting therapy together soon. Right now everything is still up in the air on how I am going to confess but rest assured people, this will end with him knowing what I did one way or another.

[october87]

That was a rude uncalled for response from sawtoothemars. Best to let it go.

 

Hopefully you are in IC now and CC with your BF. Sometimes when one partner is unfaithful, it makes it easier to do the same. I'm not saying it's right, but is often a sign you didn't get over their betrayal.

 

I hope you can both be honest in CC and express what you need from each other to make the relationship better and healthier.

 

If you're still around, let us know how it's going.

 

Thank you. I am now in IC, and I will be starting CC with my BF very soon. You are right, it was easier to be unfaithful after he was. It doesn't make it right but it is a fact when one partner cheats, the BS at least THINKS about it or it crosses their mind. The idea has been placed whether you want it to be or not. Cheating disrupts the innoncence of a relationship so I doubt I am the first BS/GF to revenge cheat.

 

BS's can go either way with how they handle learning about an affair or ONS. Some leave, some reconcile and some revenge cheat.

 

I went through my emotional rollercoaster over this for 2 years, "I love him, I hate him, I should cheat, I shouldn't cheat, I should walk away, I shouldn't walk away, I can forgive, how can I ever forgive, I can't throw 8 years away, but he did and didn't think twice".

 

And after I cheated, I didn't feel better but worse. All I ever wanted was the emotional rollercoaster to GO AWAY to just STOP. I wished to forget.

 

Well I no longer care about the emotional rollercoaster but I did something bad to get there...be careful what we wish for.

Edited December 31, 2014 by october87

[october87]

I am sorry you had to read that rude response. I hate to tell you this but unfortunately you will get a lot of angry responses because a lot of the people here have been betrayed and will use you, and anyone else that will allow it, as their whipping boy.

 

I am sorry you are in a scrappy situation. I can't tell you what to do but I don't believe in disclosure. You would only hurt your boyfriend. I believe it is yours to tell if you decide and nobody should tell you otherwise.

 

So what are your plans in moving forward?

Thank you. I plan to continue my IC and go into CC with my BF. I am doing more to get my BF to open up more and show him what I want/need in our relationship. Like when I come home from work, I just start talking about my day and I don't stop. Usually when he doesn't comment back I get down and stop trying to talk and then I would disappear into our bedroom. But lately I just keep talking and lo and behold he actually sparks up and keeps it going! . I started just kissing him out of no where for no reason or hug him just because. He has started mimicking and copying these behaviors back...so progress I hope.

[october87]

Seriously! That tea cup analogy is the best you can come up with. Sorry but there is no comparison. Yes, there are some people out there that are better off not knowing if they were cheated on, particularly those who would harm themselves or others upon learning. For the rest of the world, most people do not want to waste their time, energy, and most importantly money on a cheater. Seriously take a look at this site. The WSs that chose not to confess are having a hard time keeping it together and are breaking NC left and right. DKT said it best. When you don't confess, you have no checks and balances to keep you from contacting the AP. After everything that happened to me, I'm a firm believer that it's not the cheaters right to decide how the relationship should proceed after they cheated. If they were so freckin concerned with hurting their partner, they wouldn't have cheated in the first place. Let's be honest here, most people that chose not to confess did so not to protect their partners but themselves.

 

Even though you say you would leave a cheater, it's obvious that you would not want to know if you were cheated on. That's fine. However, that's YOUR decision. Like I said, most other people would want to know. The advice you gave is bs to me. I'm sorry but it is. Her cheating was hers, so she should keep it to herself. Wrong. The OP pariticipated in an action that impacts both her and her BF, so it's not hers, it's theirs. The most disturbing aspect about this though is that she is going to let her boyfried believe that he is the sole cheater. I really do hope she is still not making him by feel guilty about this.

I stopped bringing up his cheating about a year ago...so I don't make him feel guilty. And because I cheated, I will never make him feel guilty about it again.

 

In a twisted way this is what I wanted. I wanted us to be even. If I did it too then I don't have the right to feel hurt as much or make him feel bad about it anymore.

 

Then if an intrusive thought about his cheating entered my mind, I could sweep it away with "Well I did it too". I didn't want to think of him as a bad person, so if I did it to then we are equal. If people questioned my decision to stay with a cheater or called me stupid, I would know they were wrong because I am the same as him...

 

I am still young and I know my thought pattern wasn't the most mature BUT I loved him even though he cheated, how could I love such a disgusting person, how could I want him to touch me after he touched another? How can my friends and family NOT look at me as an idiot for staying with him or thinking I am doormat? Well if I did it too then no one has room to judge us or our relationship

 

Stupid thinking, I know.

Edited December 31, 2014 by october87

[harrybrown]

Have you told your H about your A? Then you would both know and that would make things a bit more "equal".

[truncated]

I am not in an affair. But I don't stick my head in the sand about why it happens or that if it did the reasons for it would fall on both partners. Not the affair itself but definitely the reasons the decision was reached, with a few exceptions.

 

And I don't kid myself about how it could ruin lives if the affair was exposed in some cases. Don't tell me the affair already did th a t, I am not daft. But if someone goes their whole life and never finds out, they are not hurt. It is like breaking an old t e a cup that was a favorite. Kept in the back of the cabinet, never used, nobody ever noticed it was even gone. Nobody was worse off for not knowing.

 

Yes, they are.

 

My mom passed away not that long ago, and after she died I was taking to my dad. He was really upset after her wake, and had a few drinks. he opned up to me about how hed had a brief affair many years ago, and my mom never knew ( or so he thought). He had fet guilt all those years, and it had poisoned aspects of their rlelationship, always levaing that part of himself closed off to her.

 

As far as I had known, their relationship was good and both had been happy, but who knows how much happier it could have been if not for the dishonesty between them.

 

When everything is said and done, one only gets one shot at life. Better to live it honestly than live a lie.

[road]

October87, two wrongs never make a right. You can not blame anyone for your decision to cheat. You were not forced to cheat. You chose to cheat.

 

 

Revenge affairs never help relationships.

 

 

Time to grow up. Own what you did. Tell your BH.

[Spectre]

So OP I ask again: what was your boyfriends reaction when you confessed to him you cheated? You have told him, right? There is nothing else to say if you haven't. Anything telling you to not tell him the truth is not really looking out for you or giving you sound advice. Whether you are going to stay with him or move away to Alaska and never see him again: he deserves the truth. Nope, I don't care if he has lied to you before. Don't stoop to his level. You already cheated, do not make it worse by hiding it or waiting until he specifically asks if you cheated.

 

Own up, tell him what you did. I do not find it a good sign you honed in on one of the few people advising you not to tell. Why is it cheaters always do this, and skip every other post saying the opposite?