Have you or would you Date someone with Kids?

[BluEyeL]

I'm 42 and at my age is hard to find someone who has never been married and doesn't have kids. In fact, I wouldn't date someone with those stats because of what Mrin said. I did date someone like that and will not do it again.

 

I do have one kid myself, but it didn't really pose a problem when dating. Men my age and older expect women to have kids already and some don't want younger women because, although younger are hotter, they are likely to want kids of their own, and the men don't want have any more kids themselves.

 

So I guess it depends on the person's goals and definitely the age. Without kids is easier indeed. If I were young and never married, I wouldn't want to date a single dad. One or both partners having kids that are still at home can definitely pose some additional problems for the relationship.

[irc333]

I'm 42 and at my age is hard to find someone who has never been married and doesn't have kids. In fact, I wouldn't date someone with those stats because of what Mrin said. I did date someone like that and will not do it again.

 

I do have one kid myself, but it didn't really pose a problem when dating. Men my age and older expect women to have kids already and some don't want younger women because, although younger are hotter, they are likely to want kids of their own, and the men don't want have any more kids themselves.

 

So I guess it depends on the person's goals and definitely the age. Without kids is easier indeed. If I were young and never married, I wouldn't want to date a single dad. One or both partners having kids that are still at home can definitely pose some additional problems for the relationship.

 

I've ran into a quandry myself on this.

 

Women over 40, never married, doesn't have kid. Pretty much what I'm looking for, but....some WANT children. Regardless of the health risks and the desire to be an elderly parent doesn't appeal to me. I mean think about it, let's say you have a kids at 42, the kids turns 10 and you're 52? That's 3 years shy of AARP status.

 

There was a time, when I was younger that I wanted kids, after reaching 40, I changed it to "Want kids: No" on POF.

 

In my email to them, I ask them for clarification and they are like "Yep, I want kids, even if I Have to adopt"

[Art_Critic]

I never found kids to be a roadblock in dating, they are a fact of life as we get older...

I started dating women with kids in my early 30's.. till then the women I dated just happened to have not had kids yet.

I was married in a previous life and was a Step Dad to a wonderful little girl age 4 and helped raise her till 8-9, at 22 today she is a wonderful beautiful girl with her whole life in front of her, it is nice to have been part of that... so I'm glad today that I never had the kids deal breaker or I would have never experienced that.

[Blade96]

Oh I don't disagree that my generalization is unfair. In fact I think I even called it gross and unfair. That being said, it is based ony personal experience and those of some close friends when it came to dating. And believe me, I wish it hadn't been the case! And yes, I used some inflammatory terms but honestly, some of that is an unflattering projection about me - as to what person I would be if I had not either been married or had not had kids.

 

A counter thought for you: perhaps what I am getting at is that NMNK's and the DWK counterparts just become largely incompatible once you get over 35. Two different tracks in life... Was your husband a NMNK?

 

I'm a childfree myself and saw a few guys, some had kids and some didn't, and the worst one, hands down, bar none, who I wrote about in my very first thread when I first came to this forum years ago, was the dude without kids! But that was his character and it wasn't because he didn't have kids.

 

I don't get along with babies or toddlers, but I have a few dealbreakers, but kids older than toddler and baby stage are not one of 'em. Since I like older kids, I'd be fine with them.

[Gloria25]

I resent generalizations that people w/o kids are some sort of self-absorbed jerks who have no clue about what life is.

 

There are lots of people who have kids w/o planning, to snatch/trap someone, cuz they're bored, cuz they want someone to support them (via the kids), etc. So, just cuz you're doing something God made mammals capable of does not elevate you above the rest of the species.

 

Yes, kids take sacrifice and love. You are sacrificing a lot to bring up another member of our society. That is a role that I do not take lightly. But, for years I believe a mama or a papa can have a kid - it takes a "father" and a "mother" to actually raise a child.

 

As a woman in my late 30's it's hard to find someone who doesn't already have kids. Shoot, at my job I look around some times and now even kids who barely are mid 20's already have one kid out of wedlock - it is crazy.

 

I don't believe in dating people with kids cuz yes, I believe their kids come first. I'm a woman and when things go bad with dating I get moody and I'm sure not only would your kids pick up on your mood change when you are in dating ruts, you are not brining your best "self" to your kids if you're so worried about some guy/gal you're trying to date.

 

RLs take time away from the kids who are already down one parent. Also, dragging Tom, Dick, Harry, and Jane in front of your kids - only to break up with him/her also sets the kids up for more disappointment. Also, no matter how much some single parents say their kids just want them to find another mommy/daddy - kids still want their original parents. Step situations don't always work out.

 

Then, you got the exes. Then, if you have a new kid, the previous kids are gonna start feeling like a 3rd wheel and feeling less special cuz mommy/daddy made another baby with someone who's sticking around this time instead of the original mommy/daddy.

 

When it comes to dating with kids - as long as you aren't dragging that person in front of your kids, I'm cool with that. I think ideally is you see Tom, Dick, Harry, and/or Jane when your kids are at your grandparents and/or the other parent. You don't mix your kids with your dating life. When they are 18, up and gone, you still have the rest of your life to meet someone.

 

Twice I seriously thought about giving a guy with kids a chance. I figured I could just be sweet to them on the weekends. But, no, these guys were looking for a mommy replacement. I don't want kids and am not raising someone else's kids. You gotta also watch out for men who are not looking to date, they literally want a mommy/maid to tend to their kids.

[Tayken]

I'm 42 and at my age is hard to find someone who has never been married and doesn't have kids. In fact, I wouldn't date someone with those stats because of what Mrin said. I did date someone like that and will not do it again.

 

I do have one kid myself, but it didn't really pose a problem when dating. Men my age and older expect women to have kids already and some don't want younger women because, although younger are hotter, they are likely to want kids of their own, and the men don't want have any more kids themselves.

 

So I guess it depends on the person's goals and definitely the age. Without kids is easier indeed. If I were young and never married, I wouldn't want to date a single dad. One or both partners having kids that are still at home can definitely pose some additional problems for the relationship.

 

Funny enough, I am in your age group, and also have a son of my own. However, the difference is my arrangement is a week on/week off i.e. I have my free week to do stuff. Dating a woman with sole custody kid(s) is completely different and honestly you are getting a bum deal (no double entender pun intended). I do not want any more kids (I took care of that), and as you mentioned, younger / older women that want kids are out for me.

 

FWB is my ideal option to be honest.

 

 

 

I was married in a previous life and was a Step Dad to a wonderful little girl age 4 and helped raise her till 8-9, at 22 today she is a wonderful beautiful girl

 

Hardly in a position to tell people it's OK considering you were only in the picture for 4yrs (i.e. she was not even a pre-teen when you left)...don't you think?

 

If you were physically there to see her go from toddler to teenager (the drama years), then you might have had a point.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I don't think I would want a relationship with a guy who had kids. Unless he was REALLY special enough for me to try work past it. I love kids, I really do. But I'm not ready for my own yet and although you're not insta-stepmom by any stretch of the imagination, if you're looking at the long haul you need to be aware that by dating someone you're considering a long term relationship. If not, then I'd feel I was wasting my time.

 

I want my own at some point (maybe in four/five years) and I really want to do it all first time around with someone for whom it's equally as new and exciting. I don't want to be pregnant with a guy's child and he's been there, done that. I want parenthood to be a brand new adventure we embark upon together. In an ideal world, obviously!

 

Then again I'd consider dating a guy who had been widowed and had young kids, I guess. Maybe it's knowing the ex is always hanging around in the picture that puts me off. I speak to people who've been with their partner a decade and they talk about still having to arrange their schedule around the ex's social life. Too much mess for me. At 26 most people are still childless in my demographic so the opportunity hasn't presented itself particularly yet, perhaps if I were 40 and single I'd start thinking about it because there wouldn't be many other options!

[Art_Critic]

Hardly in a position to tell people it's OK considering you were only in the picture for 4yrs (i.e. she was not even a pre-teen when you left)...don't you think?

 

If you were physically there to see her go from toddler to teenager (the drama years), then you might have had a point.

 

Actually I am in a place to tell people it's OK, I also have my own child today as well, I was also in my Step Daughters life as she grew up through her teens and had influenced her during those years, and the marriage was 5 years not 4...

I also am still in her life today.. but she is an adult now so my influence is minor to the influence that I had on her those 5 years.

 

At least I have been in that position, have you ?.. didn't think so...

[Mrin]

Now I have actually been on the flip side of this too and dated a single mom back in my 20's before I had kids. It is different for sure. I got used to it pretty quickly and it wasn't too big of a deal.

 

One other thing - especially to women thinking about dating a single dad - if you even get the whiff that he's wanting you to take on a mom role then be afraid. Very very afraid. That's total BS. If you grow into that mom role then that's your decision and the decision of the children. But it should never be forced or expected. Oy vey! I have little tolerance for dads who won't parent.

[Gloria25]

Now I have actually been on the flip side of this too and dated a single mom back in my 20's before I had kids. It is different for sure. I got used to it pretty quickly and it wasn't too big of a deal.

 

One other thing - especially to women thinking about dating a single dad - if you even get the whiff that he's wanting you to take on a mom role then be afraid. Very very afraid. That's total BS. If you grow into that mom role then that's your decision and the decision of the children. But it should never be forced or expected. Oy vey! I have little tolerance for dads who won't parent.

 

I beg to differ. I have a gf who had a friend who got married to this guy that was widowed. She had nothing going on, so she was desperate to be taken away and trust me, he needed a "mom" for the kids. He cheated on her up to the day he married her. Not sure if he's still cheating.

[NoMoreJerks]

Currently seeing a guy who has a kid (10 y.o). I knew about the kid before we started dating. I didn't mind it at first, as I like kids (and I want to have some of my own). However, things have been difficult and lately have been rocky, because of things that I am not sure are red flags or if they are part of dating a guy with a kid (playing happy families with the ex, not being happy I mentioned that he shouldn't let the 10 year old watch adult TV series, which led him to stop hanging out with me on days he had his kid). He has his kid half of the week, and some weeks almost 2/3rds of the week (so the kid is with him more than he is with the ex)..

 

I am trying to break away from this relationship, but it's hard. There are many things I like about him, but there are many dealbreakers as well , including him telling me just the other day that he doesn't want any more kids, and if I don't like that, then he will understand if I break up with him (!!). While I appreciated the honesty, I did not appreciate the message and tone of what he said -- if he loved me, we should be discussing this and trying to find a solution, not one partner taking a decision for the both of us. To me, that does not indicate that he loves me and cares about my desires.

 

So no, I will not date a man with a kid again. Never ever. Pretty convinced about this. Too much drama, too much effort to just get accepted, need to walk on eggshells around the dad all the time because most single parents are in some sort of popularity contest against their ex, to see whether the kid prefers him or the ex (this was pretty evident in the case of the guy I'm seeing, and I've seen this play out with other separated / divorced partners with kids as well...

[writergal]

Since I'm 43 and it's too late for me to have kids I would be open to dating a single father for sure. I'd love to be a step-mom as long as the situation I married into didn't include an insecure, controlling ex-wife. I've seen those situations play out with friends who became step moms and it was scary! Wow. So far I haven't met any single fathers via OLD, mostly just single men.

[NoMoreJerks]

One other thing - especially to women thinking about dating a single dad - if you even get the whiff that he's wanting you to take on a mom role then be afraid. Very very afraid. That's total BS. If you grow into that mom role then that's your decision and the decision of the children. But it should never be forced or expected. Oy vey! I have little tolerance for dads who won't parent.

Then, on the flip side, you have men who will keep you away from their kids , like you have the bubonic plague... like my current guy. And telling you off for even expressing an opinion on him letting the kid watch adult shows. But still expecting you to babysit them when it's convenient for him.

[Adelaide86]

Kids are a total deal breaker for me. Just as I assume that myself being a 28 year old female who doesn't like children and who has zero interest in having them would be to most men.

[amaysngrace]

It's no picnic trying to date when you have kids either.

 

The guy better be damn special to make it worth my while for all the juggling I have to do.

 

I don't do dating sites so I don't advertise being a single mom but I would if it meant weeding out the selfish from the righteous.

[WhatIsLove2014]

Wow, being a single mom, some of these posts seem like there is no hope for me in the dating world.

 

But I definitely understand the reasoning behind it. I'm not quite at the stage where my son has sports practices and school and all that. Plus I can always find a babysitter.

 

Before I had my son, I didn't care if guys had kids unless they had like 4 baby mamas and crazy drama going on.

[MissBee]

Have you or would you date someone who has kids from a previous relationship? Whether it'd be that kid living with them 24/7 or not living with them, staying with their mom 24/7 with visitation rights?

 

I've had this happen to me a few times, a few of the guys I tried getting to know would drop the kid bomb on me, and that's where I would end the communication between us, because kids are not for me.

 

But what about you? Have you or do you know of anyone that has or would?

 

Lots of people do...that's why there are families with stepchildren and lots of blended families exist. This is not a rare thing at all.

 

I have seriously dated 2 men with children. It was fine. One of them his son lived with him and the other he had him 4 days a week. In the first case we were long distance so I did not interact with his son much. In the second case I interacted with his son often and it was fine.

 

It's not my preference. Some things are more difficult when dating a parent, like they have to plan around their child and so on, but in my experience it wasn't insurmountable and it was rare that we couldn't do something because of their child. I like kids so it's not a deal breaker but in dating now I do prefer someone who doesn't have kids and in getting married I'd like to be with someone where we have our first kid together...but I'm not opposed to dating a man with a child. A big positive for me was that with my two boyfriends who had kids I could see for myself how they would be as dads. They were good dads, especially the one who had his child full time. I would have had a child with him in a heartbeat because he was so very loving, yet knew how to discipline his child, the love for his child was palpable and since he had him full time by choice I really respected him for it, we also had very similar values with respect to how we'd raise kids (the other one, while he was a good dad some choices he made as a parent I wouldn't have made personally, which was also a positive for me to see for myself where we differed with regards to some values). So dating a dad at least helped me to see that if we did have a child I could trust that he would do a very good job.

 

But give me two guys with the same qualities but one has a child and the other doesn't, I will most likely go with the childless guy.

Edited November 16, 2014 by MissBee

[organizedchaos]

I have a kid. My last ex, who did not have kids, was with me for 3 years before she decided she couldn't see herself with someone who has a kid. Go figure.

 

Current gf has a kid and it's working out great for us so far.

[Tayken]

It's no picnic trying to date when you have kids either.

 

The guy better be damn special to make it worth my while for all the juggling I have to do.

 

I don't do dating sites so I don't advertise being a single mom but I would if it meant weeding out the selfish from the righteous.

 

 

Regardless....whoever you end up with, will have to be told that you have kids, and then they will be able to decide if it's part of what they wish to sign up for. Nobody wants to be picking up other people's responsibilities.

 

There are women who actually think by keeping quiet that they have kids will make a guy change his mind, a behaviour akin to women on OLD that post head shots thinking a guy won't have a problem when they finally meet even if he doesn't like big girls.

[Mangina]

If yes does it matter how many? I would date someone with kids but not more than 2.

[curly sue]

Nope, never. But then I don't want kids so I don't really want to deal with someone else's either.

[SomeDude16]

Yes but it depends on the age of the kid/kids

[DrReplyInRhymes]

It depends on the person, and on the kids,

Sorry to say, but that's just how it is.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

No. Not currently. At my age (which is also the age range of guys I date) if you already have kids you've made some serious missteps in life thus far.

[todreaminblue]

yes i would......the number of kids wouldnt matter.....i love kids......deb