apologized to an ex after 10y, he is willing to meet

[elliX]

Hello everybody.

 

I had a beautiful relationship with a really good guy in our early 20s that lasted two years. He really loved me but I screwed up. I was too selfish. I thought I was too young to commit to a lifetime relationship and broke his heart. Nevertheless we managed to remain really close friends. During the first few years after our breakup I had 2 other relationships, he knew about them but I understood he was not cool about meeting all together, that is he was still not over me. After my last relationship I began to realize that neither me was over him. Tried a few times to show him my purposes, he wanted to move on.. He met a girl, fell in love with her, she was extremely jealous about me and after a few hostile meetings with her she made him cut off any contact with me.

 

To make a long story short, we are now 3 years no contact with the guy. I have heard during the past months that he was on-off with the same girl. Our best common friend called me every now and then saying pls pls talk to him I want you two get back together. I decided to e-mail him a letter of apology. I accepted all responsibility about the first two years, I admitted I made a huge mistake breaking up with him because I still had feelings for him many years after. I told him that I expected nothing by writing that letter, not even a response if he did not want to respond. That I hoped he would forgive me someday and wished him well. He replied immediately. Apology accepted, that there even was no need to apologize. He does not blame me for anything, maybe he is a bit bitter about some things I did concerning the other girl, but "ok forget about the past, whats new?" We had a brief chat concerning the present. I did not ask about the girl, he neither mentioned her. He revealed me that he is in my city at present for a few days (now we live in different cities). I proposed to meet and he accepted. What do you see? Is there any chance to get back together? I strongly believe he is my special perfect one but can it be real?

[annisk]

Darling, if you want it to happen, you can make it happen. But you're going to need to do a lot of convincing as you once broke his heart. Hurt changes people. Don't come on too strong, but you also cannot expect to try merely once and have him come back to you.

 

Actually, the more appropriate thing to say would be - if two people want it to happen, they will make it happen. If he doesn't co-operate despite your efforts, then maybe it "isn't meant to be".

 

If his feelings for you have remained throughout the years, he would do the right thing and be honest with his current girl. It's got to be very strong in order for him to leave her though. However, if he expresses the seriousness of his current relationship, I would advise against trying anything. Unless they part ways in the future, then you can consider making a movie again then.

Edited November 20, 2014 by annisk

[annisk]

I cant discern if he just accepted my invitation as a friend or if this means something more.

 

And well, you'll find out once you meet won't ya?

 

Let us know how it goes/went.

[elliX]

And well, you'll find out once you meet won't ya?

 

Let us know how it goes/went.

 

And well, I found out that I still dont get it...

 

We met outwards for 5 hours. He was initially quite cold and formal but soon we engaged to a conversation about our news and it felt like the good old *days. The same caring, same inside jokes, great intimacy and so on.

 

He broke up with that girl *8 months ago. It was his choice (with no specific explanations, but it seems she pressed him to marry her). He said that maybe he will regret it but that's ok life goes on. He sounded cool, not devastated.

 

He also repeated that there was no need from my part to apologize, he has no hard feelings, he does not blame me for anything, we both made mistakes because we were young and immature. When I asked him if he just politely accepted my invitation, he changed his attitude and became distant again. He said he was indeed interested to hear from me. BUT, we cannot be friends anymore, it was a big mistake to remain close friends after our breakup. I am a big chapter in his life rightly or wrongly, therefore he still cares about me but remaining friends is not the right thing to do. Maybe we can text once or twice per year for wishes and briefing but nothing more. Then we split.*

 

After a few hours I told myself it is now or never and texted that I was still not over him. He doubted my statement, he was quite aggressive, he repeatedly asked questions but then he withdrew them "duh, forget it you don't need to explain yourself". The resumé is that he is over me, he still cares about me but getting back together would be a *mistake and that he HAS to move on and so do I (neither he "wants", nor he "is" actually moving on-or maybe I need to see hopeful hidden messages while they dont exist).*

 

What do I do now? Should I insist or is it clear but I cannot see it?*

[Zahara]

What do I do now? Should I insist or is it clear but I cannot see it?*

 

As you said, it was a do or die. And you did. You were upfront with him and he made a decision that he does not want to even be friends except for the casual text here and there. You need to respect that.

 

You can't insist on someone wanting what you want. If at anytime he comes forward and wants to rekindle, then you can decide but don't chase and force what's he's making very clear.

 

It's time to let go and move on.

[elliX]

As you said, it was a do or die. And you did. You were upfront with him and he made a decision that he does not want to even be friends except for the casual text here and there. You need to respect that.

 

You can't insist on someone wanting what you want. If at anytime he comes forward and wants to rekindle, then you can decide but don't chase and force what's he's making very clear.

 

It's time to let go and move on.

 

By saying insist, I don't mean/intend to urge him feel the way I feel. If he is over me, that's it, I can't do anything. But I doubt it. (am I wrong to doubt it?)*

 

You are right that his words were clear but his actions were not. He may be defensive because he does not want to be hurt again. Or not. I don't know.

 

Our common friend, who loves us both, insists that I should give it another try. She says that he is obviously hurt and still not over me, no matter what he says. She claims that he sounded very upset, he kept asking to explain myself, which according to her is an indication that maybe he expects from me to convince him.*

 

Am I in denial?*

[Zahara]

By saying insist, I don't mean/intend to urge him feel the way I feel. If he is over me, that's it, I can't do anything. But I doubt it. (am I wrong to doubt it?)*

 

Regardless of whether he is over you or not, he is telling you that the best thing for HIM is to move on. He may have residual feelings for you but that doesn't mean his need to move on should be disregarded because you think you can change his mind. This is a decision that HE feels best for his own emotional and mental health. It doesn't matter what you feel. This isn't all about you.

 

You are right that his words were clear but his actions were not. He may be defensive because he does not want to be hurt again. Or not. I don't know.

 

What actions? As I said, he may have feelings for you, but his need to move on overrides that. It could be that he doesn't want to get hurt again and you have to respect it, even if you feel you will never hurt him again. If he doesn't want to take that chance again, allow him to make that decision.

 

Our common friend, who loves us both, insists that I should give it another try. She says that he is obviously hurt and still not over me, no matter what he says. She claims that he sounded very upset, he kept asking to explain myself, which according to her is an indication that maybe he expects from me to convince him.*

 

It's completely up to you. In your initial post, you mentioned that you were very selfish. You are doing it again. He's hurt and likely confused. The more you badger him, the more he is going to step away. You can't force people to trust that you will not hurt them again. You told him you're not over him. He knows. He's not stupid. And when he is ready or able to trust and open up to you, he will come to you.

Edited November 21, 2014 by Zahara

[elliX]

Regardless of whether he is over you or not, he is telling you that the best thing for HIM is to move on. He may have residual feelings for you but that doesn't mean his need to move on should be disregarded because you think you can change his mind. This is a decision that HE feels best for his own emotional and mental health. It doesn't matter what you feel. This isn't all about you.

 

 

 

What actions? As I said, he may have feelings for you, but his need to move on overrides that. It could be that he doesn't want to get hurt again and you have to respect it, even if you feel you will never hurt him again. If he doesn't want to take that chance again, allow him to make that decision.

 

 

It's completely up to you. In your initial post, you mentioned that you were very selfish. You are doing it again. He's hurt and likely confused. The more

you badger him, the more he is going to step away. You can't force people to

trust that you will not hurt them again. You told him you're not over him. He knows. He's not stupid. And when he is ready or able to trust and open up to you, he will come to you.

 

 

Maybe you are right about me thinking selfishly. I have been very patient and both of us being single now is an unexpected gift. I don't want to miss the chance-if there is any.*I am not making excuses. I try to put myself into his shoes and if I was the one hurt, I would expect from the other person to insist if his effort was genuine.*

 

I have not decided yet what I am going to do, this is why I still discuss about it. And I really appreciate your opinion because you give me another perspective.

[Zahara]

Maybe you are right about me thinking selfishly. I have been very patient and both of us being single now is an unexpected gift. I don't want to miss the chance-if there is any.*I am not making excuses. I try to put myself into his shoes and if I was the one hurt, I would expect from the other person to insist if his effort was genuine.*

 

Quite the opposite. I was in your ex's shoes once and the more the other person pushed, the more I felt it was more for his own selfish needs rather than him respecting me for feeling the way I did. I felt there was an agenda and the more I didn't want to trust him, especially when he was a selfish person when we were together. I felt he was being that same person. When someone is hurt, they don't see you in a positive light anymore. It's tainted. Granted, I was emotional about him and struggled with him reappearing, but my rational side was to protect myself and to move on because I didn't want to take that risk again. It would be one thing if your ex will let you in or gave you some inclination that he wants to take it slow and try, then you can prove to him that you are no more a risk.

 

You keep saying "insist". How will you insist you are genuine? Badger him with words about how "genuine" you are? He's not even leaving a crack to let you in and prove yourself. He's shutting the door to two texts a year. How will you "insist" when he does not want contact? Regardless of you projecting your own perceptions of his actions, words, body language, etc., he's telling you how he feels. Show him the respect and allow him to resolve what he feels the way he wants to. Right now you are wanting him to resolve his emotions based on what you want.

Edited November 21, 2014 by Zahara

[Shields boy]

I have been in the guys shoes here.

 

If you want my honest opinion, I think you are underestimating the emotional pain and torture he has been through over the years. Boy is it painfull.

 

Other posters would disagree with me here's. My advice would honestly be to get on your hands and knees and crawl....

[annisk]

By saying insist, I don't mean/intend to urge him feel the way I feel. If he is over me, that's it, I can't do anything. But I doubt it. (am I wrong to doubt it?)*

 

You are right that his words were clear but his actions were not. He may be defensive because he does not want to be hurt again. Or not. I don't know.

 

Our common friend, who loves us both, insists that I should give it another try. She says that he is obviously hurt and still not over me, no matter what he says. She claims that he sounded very upset, he kept asking to explain myself, which according to her is an indication that maybe he expects from me to convince him.*

 

Am I in denial?*

 

If your gut feeling is telling you that it doesn't seem as though he's over you, I would go with that. But maybe it's not you that he isn't over, but the hurt and confusion you caused him.

 

Maybe he's still in search of some closure? Have you explained to him clearly the reasons behind why you broke up with him ten years ago? 10 years is a long time to be holding on to hurt and bitterness. I think you may need to understand that from his pov - if you weren't so selfish in breaking up with him, you could've had a marvellous relationship together. Simultaneously, I see that what you did was not merely selfish but also honest, because you saw that you couldn't commit to him the way you needed to, is that right?

 

Making up for loss time is not the easiest thing to do.

 

Zahara makes some very good points. He's most probably shielding himself from getting hurt again the way you hurt him before. Don't badger him. You've put yourself out there now yet he insisted on keeping contact minimal. It's likely he either needs some time to think through whether he wants to let you in again or to move on completely. If he decides to come back, he will.

 

But if and when he comes back and your door is no longer open, then that's saying something. Do you really feel strongly about this guy? How long are you willing to wait?

 

At the same time though, Sheilds boy makes a point. You cannot just express that you're interested once and expect him to believe you. You have to understand that he must be having thoughts such as "Oh she's not? Probably because she's tried it out with a number of guys, it's all failed, she's alone now so she's decided to come back." Don't badger him, as Zahara said, but you also need to show him that your interest in him is genuine. Not just with words. How that's going to be done, I don't know. But where there's a will, there's a way. You need to treat this situation very gently and at the end of the day, if he still doesn't let you in, let go and move on.

 

It's not going to be easy, but if you think it's worth it, the effort needs to be made. I wouldn't do anything materialistic if I were you. I'd show him that you really do love and care about him, that you want to make up for loss time.

 

Apologies if some of the things I've said appear contradictory, I hope you get my point nevertheless.

[chados]

if they are together it is weird. i would not accept that. then again im not you or him, or her. if its meant to be i guess its meant to be. but there must be some kind of boundries in a relationship. if he really wants to see you and she doesnt want him to. then i guess they have to break up.

[idoltree]

I feel like I'm in the middle of the other opinions you've received.

 

His words and actions are inconsistent. Someone who only wants to be friends and text two times a year does not go out of his way to meet that person he only wants to be semi-annual text buddies with in-person. Those things don't match.

 

I think he has feelings for you, but has convinced himself that shutting you out is the way to go. That may have to do with fear, possibly amplified by whatever happened with the other woman. He is conflicted, and living both sets of emotions at the very same time. He wants what he fears and he fears what he wants. That's the reason his words don't match his actions.

 

I think you're picking up on the inconsistencies and that is why you want to do more, and why you feel frustrated.

 

I don't see this as the typical posts on loveshack, where someone has lost feelings.

 

So, here's the problem, because this is an internal struggle, there is really nothing that you can do. All you can do is make sure he knows your feelings for him and your desire to be with him. Then you have to let go. (Don't use the mutual friend as a go-between anymore. Let him/her know that you tried your best, that it's in his hands now, and because his answer is no you need to be freed up to heal and move on. No more conversations about him with the mutual friend.)

 

And here's my problem in advising you what to do - I think you tried to be self-protective, and the full message wasn't delivered when you met. You said you had feelings for him, but I'm not sure he knows the degree of the feelings. He may just think you're shopping around because you're single, not that he is someone special to you. And I don't think you told him that you want to try again. You hinted around, but you can't be certain he received that message. But, as a previous poster told you, you have to be very careful because you might push him away. Any action you take runs that risk.

 

Honestly, if I were you, I'd consider the following in the spirit of him knowing what I need him to know, and then respecting his wishes.

 

First, decide whether you are okay with just texting twice a year to keep in touch, or if that will be too painful for you. Decide for you, not for a hoped-for outcome. For me, I wouldn't be able to do it. I'm an all or nothing person. That's just me. I will write the below as if you decide the same. If not, adjust it accordingly.

 

Second, find a small card, and write a message in it. A small card won't be as intimidating as a letter or large card, and it's something that he can hold onto and look at occasionally:

 

"Dear ____, I'm not sure I was clear with you and it is important to me that I am clear. I still have feelings for you ten years after the fact. Those feelings have not left and they are strong. I want to try to work things out with you because you are special to me.

 

Now that I've been clear about that, I want you to know that I care about you enough to respect your decision. Please respect mine that I don't want to be occasional text buddies, because that will keep me hanging on. I want to work on things or I want to move forward with my life. I will not contact you, and will be moving forward with my life, but I would love to hear from you if you change your mind. Take care."

 

So, that's what I would do. It's a big risk, because in the short term it may make him angry and push him away. In the long term it may be more effective at getting him to acknowledge his feelings for you and what he is losing by letting you go. Others may disagree.

 

This is a tough situation, because you need to strike a balance of being up front with your feelings without pushing, and also respecting his decision not to pursue anything at this time. That's almost an impossible feat, and why I wish you hadn't been self-protective when you met (but you also didn't know what you were up against at that time.)

 

In the end, you need to do what will set you free, which is to know you did what you could. If that means you have to send a short note to make sure that he knows how you feel and what you want, so be it.

Edited November 22, 2014 by idoltree

[annisk]

I've just read through this entire thread once again and you've already mentioned twice that he's expressed interest in moving on, twice. Once in your OP and another time in your response to me regarding your meeting with him.

 

Maybe he doesn't believe in second chances?

[elliX]

I feel like I'm in the middle of the other opinions you've received.

 

His words and actions are inconsistent. Someone who only wants to be friends and text two times a year does not go out of his way to meet that person he only wants to be semi-annual text buddies with in-person. Those things don't match.

 

I think he has feelings for you, but has convinced himself that shutting you out is the way to go. That may have to do with fear, possibly amplified by whatever happened with the other woman. He is conflicted, and living both sets of emotions at the very same time. He wants what he fears and he fears what he wants. That's the reason his words don't match his actions.

 

I think you're picking up on the inconsistencies and that is why you want to do more, and why you feel frustrated.

 

I don't see this as the typical posts on loveshack, where someone has lost feelings.

 

So, here's the problem, because this is an internal struggle, there is really nothing that you can do. All you can do is make sure he knows your feelings for him and your desire to be with him. Then you have to let go. (Don't use the mutual friend as a go-between anymore. Let him/her know that you tried your best, that it's in his hands now, and because his answer is no you need to be freed up to heal and move on. No more conversations about him with the mutual friend.)

 

And here's my problem in advising you what to do - I think you tried to be self-protective, and the full message wasn't delivered when you met. You said you had feelings for him, but I'm not sure he knows the degree of the feelings. He may just think you're shopping around because you're single, not that he is someone special to you. And I don't think you told him that you want to try again. You hinted around, but you can't be certain he received that message. But, as a previous poster told you, you have to be very careful because you might push him away. Any action you take runs that risk.

 

Honestly, if I were you, I'd consider the following in the spirit of him knowing what I need him to know, and then respecting his wishes.

 

First, decide whether you are okay with just texting twice a year to keep in touch, or if that will be too painful for you. Decide for you, not for a hoped-for outcome. For me, I wouldn't be able to do it. I'm an all or nothing person. That's just me. I will write the below as if you decide the same. If not, adjust it accordingly.

 

Second, find a small card, and write a message in it. A small card won't be as intimidating as a letter or large card, and it's something that he can hold onto and look at occasionally:

 

"Dear ____, I'm not sure I was clear with you and it is important to me that I am clear. I still have feelings for you ten years after the fact. Those feelings have not left and they are strong. I want to try to work things out with you because you are special to me.

 

Now that I've been clear about that, I want you to know that I care about you enough to respect your decision. Please respect mine that I don't want to be occasional text buddies, because that will keep me hanging on. I want to work on things or I want to move forward with my life. I will not contact you, and will be moving forward with my life, but I would love to hear from you if you change your mind. Take care."

 

So, that's what I would do. It's a big risk, because in the short term it may make him angry and push him away. In the long term it may be more effective at getting him to acknowledge his feelings for you and what he is losing by letting you go. Others may disagree.

 

This is a tough situation, because you need to strike a balance of being up front with your feelings without pushing, and also respecting his decision not to pursue anything at this time. That's almost an impossible feat, and why I wish you hadn't been self-protective when you met (but you also didn't know what you were up against at that time.)

 

In the end, you need to do what will set you free, which is to know you did what you could. If that means you have to send a short note to make sure that he knows how you feel and what you want, so be it.

 

1. Inconsistency of words and actions, exactly, thank you. Although he says he is over me, he behaves as if he is not.

 

 

2. When I sent him my apology, I did not expect from him to answer, I was unaware of his relationship status and I could not have imagined he had been in my city. Even in my wildest dreams I would never have believed I could meet him again face to face. Maybe I was self-protective but most probably I was not at all prepared that the circumstances would have been ideal to communicate my feelings.

 

 

3. I am not ok with texting sparsely, but he has already self-negated his statement; we texted about 30 messages the day after I told him I am still not over him! Why would he keep texting if he did not have residual feelings (of love, hate, anger, frustration)?

[elliX]

I've just read through this entire thread once again and you've already mentioned twice that he's expressed interest in moving on, twice. Once in your OP and another time in your response to me regarding your meeting with him.

 

Maybe he doesn't believe in second chances?

 

 

He rather doesn't believe in a second chance after us two having been close friends. He has seen me with other guys, I have seen him with other girls. But I actually don't know, this is a mystery for me too.

[elliX]

Maybe he's still in search of some closure? Have you explained to him clearly the reasons behind why you broke up with him ten years ago?

 

 

 

At the same time though, Sheilds boy makes a point. You cannot just express that you're interested once and expect him to believe you. You have to understand that he must be having thoughts such as "Oh she's not? Probably because she's tried it out with a number of guys, it's all failed, she's alone now so she's decided to come back." Don't badger him, as Zahara said, but you also need to show him that your interest in him is genuine. Not just with words. How that's going to be done, I don't know. But where there's a will, there's a way. You need to treat this situation very gently and at the end of the day, if he still doesn't let you in, let go and move on.

 

.

 

 

 

 

He knows exactly the reasons of the breakup, I am pretty sure he is not in search of a closure.

 

 

This is my main fear if I quit my effort. I don't want him to end up thinking that since I tried only once, I was perfunctory and irresponsible and I would do the same for everybody.

[No Limit]

Sorry but from what it sounds you are just reacting too strongly on the opinion of a friend that you and your ex share that wants you two to be together. That guy will be happy without you too, you know. And you could also find other guys to be happy with.

[bachdude]

And well, I found out that I still dont get it...

 

We met outwards for 5 hours. He was initially quite cold and formal but soon we engaged to a conversation about our news and it felt like the good old *days. The same caring, same inside jokes, great intimacy and so on.

 

He broke up with that girl *8 months ago. It was his choice (with no specific explanations, but it seems she pressed him to marry her). He said that maybe he will regret it but that's ok life goes on. He sounded cool, not devastated.

 

He also repeated that there was no need from my part to apologize, he has no hard feelings, he does not blame me for anything, we both made mistakes because we were young and immature. When I asked him if he just politely accepted my invitation, he changed his attitude and became distant again. He said he was indeed interested to hear from me. BUT, we cannot be friends anymore, it was a big mistake to remain close friends after our breakup. I am a big chapter in his life rightly or wrongly, therefore he still cares about me but remaining friends is not the right thing to do. Maybe we can text once or twice per year for wishes and briefing but nothing more. Then we split.*

 

After a few hours I told myself it is now or never and texted that I was still not over him. He doubted my statement, he was quite aggressive, he repeatedly asked questions but then he withdrew them "duh, forget it you don't need to explain yourself". The resumé is that he is over me, he still cares about me but getting back together would be a *mistake and that he HAS to move on and so do I (neither he "wants", nor he "is" actually moving on-or maybe I need to see hopeful hidden messages while they dont exist).*

 

What do I do now? Should I insist or is it clear but I cannot see it?*

 

Something concerns me here...

 

Why would he meet with you for 5 hours and then turn around and say "we cannot be friends"..."we can only text a couple times a year"? What was the point in engaging in all the same inside jokes and good conversation if he had no intention of having a friendship with you? Your meeting was almost a friendship "one night stand". Did he want to engage in the old friendship one last time before saying good by forever? He thinks it was a big mistake to remain close friends after the breakup yet still meets with you for 5 hours? Why start something if you have no intention of continuing it?? Doesn't seem very fair to you, honestly. If he really felt that way he shouldn't have met with you at all.

 

I can think of several possible explanations for his behavior but in the end he did meet with you for an extended period, which would give most people the impression that at least a friendship is possible, then turned around and pulled the rug out from under you and walked away.

 

Are you sure you really want to be with him?