Wanting a guy with both a good career & good looks considered having high standards?

[thefooloftheyear]

I'm not saying women need to lower their expectations. Just change them. Certainly ask more questions prior to marriage/kids and do as much as possible to eliminate gender based assumptions... I recommend women get it in writing.

 

 

I know more than one couple where the husband wanted to back out of his end of the deal once kids arrived, and tried to get his friends/family to help pressure the wife to give up or back off on her career rather than him making sacrifices too.

 

 

In other words... Find a partner who wants to be a partner.

 

 

Or stop having children. That's pretty much what it took for other countries to start making changes in work policies. Women simply decided to stop having kids and they started providing more incentives. That's what I did.

 

 

Having kids just felt like one more chore designed to improve my exH's quality of life, while burdening me with more work. So I didn't have them.

 

 

C'mon...really??

 

I mean, I fully respect your right to choose to not procreate, but this logic is kinda crazy...Most men I know that are proper father's often work twice as hard as they ever did in their lives, in order to ensure that their kids get the type of unbringing they deserve...Its a sacrifice for both man and woman..But a worthy sacrifice..

 

Kids bring a quality of life to both parents...Its a true gift, IMO...And I dont know any guys who look at it as a way to tie a woman down and burden her unnecessarily...

 

TFY

[Tayken]

The advice to marry a much older man is ridiculous. Especially when he dies before her and deprives her of time/attention/sex she could be having with a similar age peer. Horrible advice. If the choice is to marry a much older man or adopt/sperm donor... I'd take the adopt/sperm donor. End of story.

 

 

It was written by someone who was bored sitting in their basement, and probably not getting laid.

[clia]

Much better to find a guy who is open to negotiation, fair-minded, and believes in a real partnership... no matter what is job/career might be. That is always what I've searched for. Very tough to find for women. Especially since I'm not a millennial.

 

I've never seen a true 50/50 relationship when it comes to kids/house in real life. It's always lopsided, typically with the woman bearing the primary load of taking care of the kids and taking care of cooking, cleaning, and other household duties -- usually in addition to a full time job. One person is always doing less.

 

Every single one of my female co-workers, girl friends and my sister work full-time and bear the primary load of taking care of the kids and the house. Every single one. They have to get the kids up and ready in the morning, to day care/school, pick them up, feed them, bathe them, etc. Occasionally dad might help out, but it's mom's job. When dad helps, he expects some kind of a prize. And these aren't bad guys -- they are nice guys, good fathers, good providers (but mom is working, too), etc. But they fall into that traditional male/female dynamic, and the woman typically ends up doing more. Seeing this has definitely factored into my choice not to have kids. I don't want to have to do it all.

 

Actually, the only exception to the woman doing more I've seen in real life is my brother, who married an extremely lazy, narcissistic woman. As a result, he is the one who is taking care of the house and kids, in addition to working full time. She doesn't even work.

[Got it]

It was written by someone who was bored sitting in their basement, and probably not getting laid.

 

You seriously didn't read it then. What a ridiculous comment. And what does having, or not having, sex have anything to do with the article?

[NJ123]

I've never seen a true 50/50 relationship when it comes to kids/house in real life. It's always lopsided, typically with the woman bearing the primary load of taking care of the kids and taking care of cooking, cleaning, and other household duties -- usually in addition to a full time job. One person is always doing less.

 

Every single one of my female co-workers, girl friends and my sister work full-time and bear the primary load of taking care of the kids and the house. Every single one. They have to get the kids up and ready in the morning, to day care/school, pick them up, feed them, bathe them, etc. Occasionally dad might help out, but it's mom's job. When dad helps, he expects some kind of a prize. And these aren't bad guys -- they are nice guys, good fathers, good providers (but mom is working, too), etc. But they fall into that traditional male/female dynamic, and the woman typically ends up doing more. Seeing this has definitely factored into my choice not to have kids. I don't want to have to do it all.

 

Actually, the only exception to the woman doing more I've seen in real life is my brother, who married an extremely lazy, narcissistic woman. As a result, he is the one who is taking care of the house and kids, in addition to working full time. She doesn't even work.

 

Why doesn't he just get a divorce then? Or is it only you that views her in a negative light, but not your brother? I just don't understand why some stay in a marriage just for the sake of the kids. I get it sucks to break up a family, but if you can't stand living with each other & your life is hell, it wouldn't be a healthy household environment in the first place.

[Got it]

I've never seen a true 50/50 relationship when it comes to kids/house in real life. It's always lopsided, typically with the woman bearing the primary load of taking care of the kids and taking care of cooking, cleaning, and other household duties -- usually in addition to a full time job. One person is always doing less.

 

Every single one of my female co-workers, girl friends and my sister work full-time and bear the primary load of taking care of the kids and the house. Every single one. They have to get the kids up and ready in the morning, to day care/school, pick them up, feed them, bathe them, etc. Occasionally dad might help out, but it's mom's job. When dad helps, he expects some kind of a prize. And these aren't bad guys -- they are nice guys, good fathers, good providers (but mom is working, too), etc. But they fall into that traditional male/female dynamic, and the woman typically ends up doing more. Seeing this has definitely factored into my choice not to have kids. I don't want to have to do it all.

 

Actually, the only exception to the woman doing more I've seen in real life is my brother, who married an extremely lazy, narcissistic woman. As a result, he is the one who is taking care of the house and kids, in addition to working full time. She doesn't even work.

 

I caution that since there are two adults in the relationship they are both responsible for this set up. We teach others how to treat us so, as women, we also have to make sure we are pushing for equal involvement right from the beginning.

 

For example, my brother and his wife. His wife works in her family's business 5 days a week including a weekend day. My brother works a white collar IT position 5 weekdays a week. They take turn on taking the kids to daycare/preschool (it is a high end well documented child care center and so their kids start going at 6 months old. This was very important to my brother as research shows how proper engagement of a child's brain especially in years 1-3 have direct impact to academic success including high percentage of college completion. In fact children start learning sign language at 6 months as they learn how to communicate far better this way then waiting to speak and can minimize frustration/tantrums because of frustration of lack of communication. All very interesting). He gets up in the middle of the night, watches the kids equal amount, gets up at 5am to do his own work/exercise prior to the kids. His wife does the household care, childcare, her business, etc.

 

He has wowed us on how great a dad he is. He hates to hear them cry and so is the one jumping up. He is a very doting dad.

 

 

It takes both parties really discussing these things in the beginning, absolutely, but to stick to the expectations after the kids come. This isn't saying one party doesn't renege on their obligations but most just follow the path of least resistance or were never fully on board from the get go.

[Got it]

C'mon...really??

 

I mean, I fully respect your right to choose to not procreate, but this logic is kinda crazy...Most men I know that are proper father's often work twice as hard as they ever did in their lives, in order to ensure that their kids get the type of unbringing they deserve...Its a sacrifice for both man and woman..But a worthy sacrifice..

 

Kids bring a quality of life to both parents...Its a true gift, IMO...And I dont know any guys who look at it as a way to tie a woman down and burden her unnecessarily...

 

TFY

 

I am sure there are some. There are people on all ends of the spectrum.

[clia]

Why doesn't he just get a divorce then? Or is it only you that views her in a negative light, but not your brother? I just don't understand why some stay in a marriage just for the sake of the kids. I get it sucks to break up a family, but if you can't stand living with each other & your life is hell, it wouldn't be a healthy household environment in the first place.

 

Oh, my brother views her in a negative light with respect to her laziness, but he is also very easily manipulated by her in a lot of ways. I also don't think I ever said that they can't stand living with each other or their life was hell? They are in love; it's just that he is shouldering much more of the burden than she is. That was my only point. It's none of my business -- but it bothers me to see him so exhausted when she could easily help take the load off him. I expect he will divorce her once the kids turn 18.

[clia]

I caution that since there are two adults in the relationship they are both responsible for this set up. We teach others how to treat us so, as women, we also have to make sure we are pushing for equal involvement right from the beginning.

 

I don't disagree with this at all. I was just relaying what I see around me. You also have to fight a lot of ingrained stereotypes about who should be doing what, which can be tough.

[NJ123]

Oh, my brother views her in a negative light with respect to her laziness, but he is also very easily manipulated by her in a lot of ways. I also don't think I ever said that they can't stand living with each other or their life was hell? They are in love; it's just that he is shouldering much more of the burden than she is. That was my only point. It's none of my business -- but it bothers me to see him so exhausted when she could easily help take the load off him. I expect he will divorce her once the kids turn 18.

 

Well, you were saying she was a narcissistic woman so I figured their home life was really bad. Being a narcissist isn't exactly a trait in a woman where I'd think everything was fine at home.

[thefooloftheyear]

I caution that since there are two adults in the relationship they are both responsible for this set up. We teach others how to treat us so, as women, we also have to make sure we are pushing for equal involvement right from the beginning.

 

For example, my brother and his wife. His wife works in her family's business 5 days a week including a weekend day. My brother works a white collar IT position 5 weekdays a week. They take turn on taking the kids to daycare/preschool (it is a high end well documented child care center and so their kids start going at 6 months old. This was very important to my brother as research shows how proper engagement of a child's brain especially in years 1-3 have direct impact to academic success including high percentage of college completion. In fact children start learning sign language at 6 months as they learn how to communicate far better this way then waiting to speak and can minimize frustration/tantrums because of frustration of lack of communication. All very interesting). He gets up in the middle of the night, watches the kids equal amount, gets up at 5am to do his own work/exercise prior to the kids. His wife does the household care, childcare, her business, etc.

 

He has wowed us on how great a dad he is. He hates to hear them cry and so is the one jumping up. He is a very doting dad.

 

 

It takes both parties really discussing these things in the beginning, absolutely, but to stick to the expectations after the kids come. This isn't saying one party doesn't renege on their obligations but most just follow the path of least resistance or were never fully on board from the get go.

 

 

My kid is one of the top 5 in her entire school/grade, she is a brilliant child, yet never spent a single day in a day care center...Same for all of my cousins kids...Most are studying or graduated to be doctors and engineers...None went to daycare..All had SAHM's...

 

But I dont want to veer off topic any more than has already been..

 

You are correct in that both parties need to be on the same page..

 

TFY

[Got it]

My kid is one of the top 5 in her entire school/grade, she is a brilliant child, yet never spent a single day in a day care center...Same for all of my cousins kids...Most are studying or graduated to be doctors and engineers...None went to daycare..All had SAHM's...

 

But I dont want to veer off topic any more than has already been..

 

You are correct in that both parties need to be on the same page..

 

TFY

 

Okay, doesn't negate the studies I posted about. No one said that children of SAH parenting never do well. That is a leap. What was documented was the development of the child's brain during that time period. That is not saying a parent couldn't give that level of education and enrichment. But it is not assumed that they will.

 

I went to preschool though never a daycare and think I am pretty brilliant.

 

And you are right there with my mom, old school and suspicious.