Wanting a guy with both a good career & good looks considered having high standards?

[Rejected Rosebud]

TFY, your situation is not common and it doesn't sound like a very balanced healthy relationship, you sound resentful, so why do you have it arranged this way?

Anyway OP, no, there is nothing outrageous about a woman looking for a mate who has a stable career and who's attractive to her, if those things are important to her she definitely SHOULD hold out for them. This woman's criteria is really not your business anyway is it?

Edited November 16, 2014 by Rejected Rosebud

[thefooloftheyear]

TFY, your situation is not common and it doesn't sound like a very balanced healthy relationship, you sound resentful, so why do you have it arranged this way?

 

Youre wrong...It is pretty common....My own brother is in the same arrangement..As are most of my relatives...Most guys that own successful businesses or are big earners are in this situation...Maybe you dont know anyone, but it exists/.....Believe it or not..

 

And some 30-40 years ago and past, it was pretty much the norm...

 

 

Please show me one quote that shows anything about being resentful or complaining...Ive never complained once about it...Its arranged this way, because it is what it is....

 

Again, if you take what I am saying as face value...Are you, as a woman, willing to do the same for a man?? My guess is no...As would most women...But the reality is that there are women. millions of them, whose sole goal for the day is where they are going shopping, heading off to spin class or the waxing spa or taking the dog to the groomer...Yes, I know about child rearing...In fact, I am strongly pro SAHM..But there are also many women who are either childless or their kids are grown who arent exactly out there killing themselves....They are fully content with being "taken care of".and their husbands have absolutely no problem with it...

 

Unhealthy? I dunno...I think these women might argue that point with you..

 

TFY

[anna121]

It doesn't matter, but most of the people in the thread are basically saying that her standards are likely too high. That's her problem, & she comes across as having a bitchy attitude as well yet claims she's a nice person. She wants a guy with high ambition, good job, good looks, good personality. It seems social media has really screwed up some women's perceptions in finding a guy. They want their guy to be almost perfect basically. They keep waiting for this perfect guy that will never come than their stuck settling for someone when they reach their mid 30s so they can have kids before it's too late.

 

It seems, to me anyway, that most of those saying that are reacting a bit defensively and transposing it to their own sitch.

 

I think most of the successful, attractive women on this thread don't think that.

 

And I'd be willing to be that many of them did just fine in finding a mate who met these criteria.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Youre wrong...It is pretty common....My own brother is in the same arrangement..As are most of my relatives...Most guys that own successful businesses or are big earners are in this situation...Maybe you dont know anyone, but it exists/.....Believe it or not..

 

I def know couples where the husband brings home all the income. It's the wife never lifting a finger at all in any way for the couple / family that is not in my life, including my parents and grandparents!

 

 

Please show me one quote that shows anything about being resentful or complaining...Ive never complained once about it…

 

I know you didn't complain about it but you painted a picture of your wife as a lazy 100% materialistic person in that post whether you meant to or not.

 

 

Again, if you take what I am saying as face value...Are you, as a woman, willing to do the same for a man?? My guess is no

NO! Nor would I accept that role in my marriage!

 

millions of them, whose sole goal for the day is where they are going shopping, heading off to spin class or the waxing spa or taking the dog to the groomer

Well, sorry, don't mean to offend you but that sounds gross to me.

 

...Yes, I know about child rearing...In fact, I am strongly pro SAHM..

 

So am I if it works for the family but a SAHM is NOT in the same category as one who has no concerns apart from shopping and waxing and who has never written a check!!! Sounds like most of the "Real Housewives of New Jersey"!!!!

 

Anyhoo I don't like the sound of it but if it works for you and you both are happy it's none of my business. Regarding this thread though your marriage is not equal to a woman who seeks a man with a solid career or goals towards one.

[Divasu]

Perhaps some of us, myself included, are reacting defensively given the OP's reactions to certain comments. Protecting our inner self is normal human behavior. I need to drill it into my head not to offer my own personal experience and perspective to those displaying a much higher level of self-centered behavior than myself.

 

Edited November 16, 2014 by Divasu

[carhill]

It appears the OP's debate with someone was surrounding whether particular parameters were considered 'high standards' or not. He asserted they were. The opponent asserted they weren't. I see no indication of any personal involvement at all, simply a disagreement about applicable standards.

[Divasu]

It appears the OP's debate with someone was surrounding whether particular parameters were considered 'high standards' or not. He asserted they were. The opponent asserted they weren't. I see no indication of any personal involvement at all, simply a disagreement about applicable standards.

 

Initially yes, but OP continued to egg on after the fact and I think that's when it turned "personal".

[carhill]

So we can choose whether to discuss the concept or respond to the egging on, yes? I think the concept merits thoughtful discussion. You'll note that I disagreed with the OP in that I agreed with his debating partner that such standards are reasonable and customary.

[NJ123]

Unless I missed something, I don't remember her saying that she wanted a man for his job first and formost. Only that is was an important consideration.

 

Everyone has a list of wants and needs in a prospective partner. And you are in for a rude awaking in you don't. I work with a guy now that is currently going thru a divorce because they fell in love and he ignored the fact that she was unemployed and unmotivated. By the time he realized it was not a temporary condition they were married. He ignored the fact that he and she had different interests and communication styles. Because they were in love and attracted to each other. Well, you can see how that works out in the real world. I know of several others in the same boat. They hooked themselves to partners that drug them down instead of being partners to a better life for both of them.

 

Looking for a partner in love is just like looking for a business partner. You both need to to be moving in the same direction.

 

I was married to a man with a good job and he was attractive. I am now divorced. I have other criteria that I now look at. How does he treat money, what is his communication style and temper, and how does he treat me. But I still will not date a man that does not have a good job and is, to me, attractive.

 

Someone referenced 2 women that made above average income and they were married to a construction worker and the other to an electrician. Both are good jobs. Im pretty sure that the men are good in their fields and work hard. The women got men with good jobs. Good job is subjective. I am sure the marriages would not have had the same outcome if they were burger flippers.

 

And if a person making 30K a year wants to marry a CEO making a million a year. I say go for it. Its nice to have goals. It is their issue not mine.

 

And if a woman doesn't want to date you, move on. Don't be angry that you don't meet her standards. Don't try to claim that her standards are too high. Just move on.

 

Actually you're completely wrong. She wants a guy with a good job/looks first before anything else. She flat out said for example if the guy was a waiter than she wouldn't want to be with them period UNLESS they were a waiter making big money...... So yeah, don't tell me that's being hypocritical/shallow as **** if all of a sudden at the same type of job they'd be able to overlook it if their pay was a lot more.

[Divasu]

So we can choose whether to discuss the concept or respond to the egging on, yes? I think the concept merits thoughtful discussion. You'll note that I disagreed with the OP in that I agreed with his debating partner that such standards are reasonable and customary.

 

Yes. I'm open to constructive exploration and learning, and most often why I choose to participate in such threads. Your participation is always very insightful.

[carhill]

Lack of such aspects as a quantifiable and demonstrative career, as well as features which inspire positive feelings (I call it the 'smile effect') simply cause the attraction erection to experience some impotence. Without that aspect standing to attention, nothing else can follow.

 

This was a harsh lesson I learned as a young man watching the ladies blow by. Then I watched which flowers they alit upon and learned from those experiences. I could have beat my chest and roared to the heavens about the unfairness and indignity of it all but that would be like a tree falling in a forgotten forest. Nobody cares, least of all the ladies who were enjoying their lives with the men who met their standards. It's simply how life works. Getting out of the local demographic and experiencing ladies with differing standards helped solidify the normality of it all. Everyone has a different normal.

[NJ123]

But the whole premise of your original post was that she did!!!!

 

You seem to want to make sure your argument shows how shallow and unfair women are and will twist your argument to "prove" that to yourself.

 

If you want to hate women then go for it. You can easily make sure that you see this throughout your life. It is your perception and you will make sure that is the "proven" outcome time and time again.

 

Wrong. She never even said what her job was. She didn't want to say, so that tells me she's hiding something. And I already said that for instance she said she wouldn't date a waiter, but she would if they were making a lot of money lol. So yeah, please tell me how that isn't having high standards and wanting a guy with money.

 

And why are you coming to conclusions that you have no idea about it. I mean seriously? Saying I hate women? Sure...... Yet another attack on me on here from someone else yet again. Seems so many women are so sensitive about this. Yet it's perfectly okay to all of you for someone on here to make a thread flat out saying they refuse to date unattractive men? Yet if a guy started a thread first (not that joke thread about it) about refusing to date unattractive women all hell would have broken loose on here.

[NJ123]

It seems, to me anyway, that most of those saying that are reacting a bit defensively and transposing it to their own sitch.

 

I think most of the successful, attractive women on this thread don't think that.

 

And I'd be willing to be that many of them did just fine in finding a mate who met these criteria.

 

Well my idea is like I said before, you better have whatever qualities you want from a partner. If you're standard is expecting the guy to make 6 figures a year? You better be making big money yourself than. You want a guy with a fit attractive body & great looks, than you better have all of that yourself.

[NJ123]

And some will and some won't. I am really feeling like we are banging our heads against the wall with you. So let me spell it out.

 

There are BILLIONS of people on this planet all making personal decisions every minute of every day. On a spectrum, some swing one way and some swing another and some stay in the middle.

 

Some people make decisions that are healthy, appropriate and in their best interest, others do the exact opposite.

 

Some see positive benefits from their decisions. Some see negative benefits.

 

As we go through life we reevaluate our decisions and change them, year over year. What you decide at 15, 20, 30, 40, 50, etc. will change.

 

So your whole premise about this ONE woman is not a valid basis for an attempted argument against the whole female gender. She does not speak for us. Nor do we/I speak for her.

 

She is making decisions based on what she thinks is appropriate for herself. Whether it is right, wrong or indifferent, this is her right. She may find that she is "rewarded" for it, she may find that it is a bad decision. This is up to her.

 

What she does has NOOOOOOO impact/outcome/reflection about you or anyone else. This is about her.

 

Your premise is she is looking for what she perceives as an equal. You don't see it as being equal. You are also extrapolating that she is being unfair. Why? Why does it matter to you?

 

And age is going to play a major factor. What I wanted at 18, 25, and 30 is going to vary. At 20 I could have cared less how much a guy made as long as we could relate to life events that were happening at that time.

 

What I want NOW in my mid 30's is world's apart. I am no where close to the same person to that age. So I am not speaking as a 20 something. I am speaking as someone much closer to middle age, who is focusing on retirement planning, wealth development, debt elimination, etc. This is not something most 20 year olds focus on.

 

What this woman wants is not very different than my feeling that I could only be with someone that is progressive/liberal in their political thinking. Why? Because it lines up with my thinking and something I value. So I have only had a serious relationship with men who were of the same political thinking. Doesn't make it right or wrong. Just makes it my preference.

 

What what is the point of your argument? That she is is wrong and being a snob. Okay, she is wrong and being a snob. Does that end the argument? Are you feeling you are unfairly treated? Then don't date women who prioritize money. The world is made up of billions of women. There is a wide array to choose from.

 

I'll state it yet again, whatever your standards are, you better bring all that to the table yourself. That's all there is to it. And technically no she's not wrong which is true, but that's her problem if her standards are the way they are. And most in that thread basically feels the same way. Women like that are expecting some almost dream guy to come that has it all. And that's her problem if every little thing bothers her. She flat out said the guys she's been dating have all been good guys, but she mentioned either they don't have a good enough job or their not attractive enough to her, or their a bit too awkward to her, or don't have enough ambition to get a better job. She wants the guy to be pretty much almost perfect. And she even admitted she's been "complaining about her dating life" to people she knows. Most of them being guy "friends" that she pretty much friendzoned but they keep coming back talking to her & she's clueless that these guys keep coming back because they hope she changes her mind about them so they can get in her pants.

[NJ123]

Initially yes, but OP continued to egg on after the fact and I think that's when it turned "personal".

 

Wrong. All that woman's posts towards me have all been met with a huge attitude towards me since the beginning of this thread. I didn't egg anyone on. Every single post she made had a nasty demeanor towards my posts. I made the thread, and it didn't get bad until she started posting her argumentative posts in here.

Edited November 16, 2014 by NJ123

[Got it]

Wrong. She never even said what her job was. She didn't want to say, so that tells me she's hiding something. And I already said that for instance she said she wouldn't date a waiter, but she would if they were making a lot of money lol. So yeah, please tell me how that isn't having high standards and wanting a guy with money.

 

And why are you coming to conclusions that you have no idea about it. I mean seriously? Saying I hate women? Sure...... Yet another attack on me on here from someone else yet again. Seems so many women are so sensitive about this. Yet it's perfectly okay to all of you for someone on here to make a thread flat out saying they refuse to date unattractive men? Yet if a guy started a thread first (not that joke thread about it) about refusing to date unattractive women all hell would have broken loose on here.

 

Good lord you are tedious.

 

She said she makes a certain living. She doesn't need to tell you exactly what she does to make it true or untrue. Others have said that she doesn't owe you any sort of explanation. She may be telling the true, she may be lying. We are discussing the premise of her argument not her personally since, for all you know, she is a fat man eating cheetos and screwing with you.

 

I have not supported her stance outside of saying it is her right and whether or not it is successful for depends on a lot of factors. But it is her choice.

 

Is she the ONLY woman available for you to date? Why are you spending so much energy on what one woman has said to you. Gawd, it is ridiculous. This isn't even someone you actually know in real life and an actual event that happened. It is just ridiculous online debating. It could be a lot to do about nothing.

 

So don't date women who you don't feel aren't fair and parable. There, problem solved. There are MILLIONS of women who focus on many other attributes that you may shine at and are not looking for a barbie doll.

 

And who is all of you? You are referring my post. I only speak for myself and I never got the memo that I am speaking for the female gender. So enough of the "all of you". This is one female debating with one male.

[Got it]

I'll state it yet again, whatever your standards are, you better bring all that to the table yourself. That's all there is to it. And technically no she's not wrong which is true, but that's her problem if her standards are the way they are. And most in that thread basically feels the same way. Women like that are expecting some almost dream guy to come that has it all. And that's her problem if every little thing bothers her. She flat out said the guys she's been dating have all been good guys, but she mentioned either they don't have a good enough job or their not attractive enough to her, or their a bit too awkward to her, or don't have enough ambition to get a better job. She wants the guy to be pretty much almost perfect. And she even admitted she's been "complaining about her dating life" to people she knows. Most of them being guy "friends" that she pretty much friendzoned but they keep coming back talking to her & she's clueless that these guys keep coming back because they hope she changes her mind about them so they can get in her pants.

 

I will say this one more time in very clear terms:

 

THEN SHE IS CRAZY AND WILL NEVER FIND ANYONE THAT WILL MEET WHAT SHE IS LOOKING FOR BECAUSE SHE PROBABLY HAS NO IDEA AND HAS PURPOSELY SET UP SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY OF UNHAPPINESS AND DISCONTENT.

 

WHY SO MUCH ENERGY ABOUT WHAT ONE CRAZY UNREALISTIC WOMAN IS SAYING!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

[NJ123]

Good lord you are tedious.

 

She said she makes a certain living. She doesn't need to tell you exactly what she does to make it true or untrue. Others have said that she doesn't owe you any sort of explanation. She may be telling the true, she may be lying. We are discussing the premise of her argument not her personally since, for all you know, she is a fat man eating cheetos and screwing with you.

 

I have not supported her stance outside of saying it is her right and whether or not it is successful for depends on a lot of factors. But it is her choice.

 

Is she the ONLY woman available for you to date? Why are you spending so much energy on what one woman has said to you. Gawd, it is ridiculous. This isn't even someone you actually know in real life and an actual event that happened. It is just ridiculous online debating. It could be a lot to do about nothing.

 

So don't date women who you don't feel aren't fair and parable. There, problem solved. There are MILLIONS of women who focus on many other attributes that you may shine at and are not looking for a barbie doll.

 

And who is all of you? You are referring my post. I only speak for myself and I never got the memo that I am speaking for the female gender. So enough of the "all of you". This is one female debating with one male.

 

What annoyed me is when you said I hate women, which is absolute bs. Don't know why you even said that in your post, except to get a reaction out of me, which of course is what happened since it's a flat out lie.

 

And I said that because there's a few others who have been getting argumentative with me as well over this stuff. Just seems some of you are really sensitive about this topic, like it's negative towards all women. Yet it's okay for a woman on here to make a thread titled "I refuse to date unattractive men" & there's absolutely no problem from women on here about it whatsoever.

 

And I agree, I absolutely would not want to be with a woman like that anyway. So fair enough.

[Got it]

What annoyed me is when you said I hate women, which is absolute bs. Don't know why you even said that in your post, except to get a reaction out of me, which of course is what happened since it's a flat out lie.

 

And I said that because there's a few others who have been getting argumentative with me as well over this stuff. Just seems some of you are really sensitive about this topic, like it's negative towards all women. Yet it's okay for a woman on here to make a thread titled "I refuse to date unattractive men" & there's absolutely no problem from women on here about it whatsoever.

 

And I agree, I absolutely would not want to be with a woman like that anyway. So fair enough.

 

Um, no. My annoyance, as I don't speak for other people, is that you are extrapolating that one woman speaks for all women and that because you are absolutely fixated on this one woman's comments and have broad brushed this to most/every woman.

 

The topic isn't sensitive. The broad-brushing and jumping around on your argument is where the friction lies.

 

You want to prove that women are unfair, double standard and men have it so hard. That's your conclusion correct? That is what you are looking for women to say. Correct?

[NJ123]

Um, no. My annoyance, as I don't speak for other people, is that you are extrapolating that one woman speaks for all women and that because you are absolutely fixated on this one woman's comments and have broad brushed this to most/every woman.

 

The topic isn't sensitive. The broad-brushing and jumping around on your argument is where the friction lies.

 

You want to prove that women are unfair, double standard and men have it so hard. That's your conclusion correct? That is what you are looking for women to say. Correct?

 

Huh? Seriously WTF? When have I ever said that this woman speaks for all women? Copy & paste that supposed comment I made into your post where I exactly said this? That's just ridiculous. Of course I know not all women have these standards that apply to this. I know there's a lot of women that don't care about a guy's job/how much money he makes, or doesn't care that he's not the most good looking guy.

 

And I was stating what I did because women had no problem with that topic about men, yet this topic is filled with bashing by women because some of you are obviously sensitive about it due to it being about women. You're the one jumping to conclusions about me by making false statements about me.

[NJ123]

I will say this one more time in very clear terms:

 

THEN SHE IS CRAZY AND WILL NEVER FIND ANYONE THAT WILL MEET WHAT SHE IS LOOKING FOR BECAUSE SHE PROBABLY HAS NO IDEA AND HAS PURPOSELY SET UP SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY OF UNHAPPINESS AND DISCONTENT.

 

WHY SO MUCH ENERGY ABOUT WHAT ONE CRAZY UNREALISTIC WOMAN IS SAYING!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

lol and you say you're not being argumentative towards me? You just made a post in all caps which tells me you're annoyed.

[CrystalCastles]

NJ123,

 

I have no idea why you care so much about what a woman who you have never met wants.

 

People are free to want whatever they want, whether it is realistic or not. You also didn't mention in your OP that she wanted a 6 figure income guy. She wants someone with a good job and good looks, that's actually the bare minimum.

 

It depends on how old a woman is, as well. My man is a masters student, and I'm an undergrad, so we're poor. But we're going into very high paying careers so the present financial situation is temporary and it doesn't bother me. If I were 40, I'd have different expectations. There's nothing wrong with wanting a man who you find attractive. That's what many people want when they look for a mate anyway. If she's planning on having a family, then there's nothing wrong with wanting a well-established man. In fact, that's smart.

 

You keep saying how this woman is a gold digger. So should women settle for broke losers then? Should they not want men equal to them, for them not to be called gold diggers? If I'm going to end up making good money, I am going to want a man who makes good money. I know what being poor is and I don't want to go there again. I want financial security, such that if I lose my job, there's someone else in the family who makes enough income to support us.

 

If you don't like these women, you are free to not go out with them. But making angry threads about them...what's the point?

[NJ123]

NJ123,

 

I have no idea why you care so much about what a woman who you have never met wants.

 

People are free to want whatever they want, whether it is realistic or not. You also didn't mention in your OP that she wanted a 6 figure income guy. She wants someone with a good job and good looks, that's actually the bare minimum.

 

It depends on how old a woman is, as well. My man is a masters student, and I'm an undergrad, so we're poor. But we're going into very high paying careers so the present financial situation is temporary and it doesn't bother me. If I were 40, I'd have different expectations. There's nothing wrong with wanting a man who you find attractive. That's what many people want when they look for a mate anyway. If she's planning on having a family, then there's nothing wrong with wanting a well-established man. In fact, that's smart.

 

You keep saying how this woman is a gold digger. So should women settle for broke losers then? Should they not want men equal to them, for them not to be called gold diggers? If I'm going to end up making good money, I am going to want a man who makes good money. I know what being poor is and I don't want to go there again. I want financial security, such that if I lose my job, there's someone else in the family who makes enough income to support us.

 

If you don't like these women, you are free to not go out with them. But making angry threads about them...what's the point?

 

 

Well, everyone that keeps saying that I care so much what she wants is mistaken. I couldn't careless whether she ends up with a billionaire or never finds anyone ever. I just applied what she wants to this thread to see if that's considered having high standards to anyone else. But this thread seems to keep referring back to this woman constantly over & over. It was more so of a general question, at least that's what my intention was when I made this thread.

 

And she didn't say she wanted a guy with 6 figure income. But she said she wouldn't date a waiter. Than a little later on someone asked what if that waiter worked in an expensive place where they tend to make really good money. Than all of a sudden she said yeah she would regardless of them being a waiter. So that to me tells me she's after money in general regardless of what they do. That's why I label her with the gold digger mentality.

 

And like I said, I have absolutely no problem with this. If you make good money than it's entirely your right to expect the man to make good money. But I kept saying I'd like to think that people would care more so about someone's personality & how much they like spending time with someone over stuff like money. But I guess everyone just has a different mentality on these things & I guess it depends on where you are in your life. But to each their own.

[thefooloftheyear]

NJ123...

 

Listen...Its likely as simple as this....

 

You shoot high....You dont get what you want? Well maybe you get close....Or maybe you get lucky and get the whole enchilada...I dont see anything particularly wrong with that strategy, if that is what this woman is shooting for...

 

At the end of the day, the cream usually rises to the top, for both genders...If she digs her heels in and is truly dreaming, then she will wind up empty and alone...You get what you bring to the table...There are no participation trophies...Believe me, quality guys arent that desperate to get laid that they'll lower their standards for her...If thats even the case...

 

Just ignore it if you dont want to play....They dont live on a deserted island with only them as the sole female....And all other women have the same parts she does, if she thinks she possesses the only gold lined vagina on Earth....Its as simple as that, bro...

 

TFY

[Got it]

lol and you say you're not being argumentative towards me? You just made a post in all caps which tells me you're annoyed.

 

I was trying to make it clear as you continue to seem confused.

 

And I never said I wasn't being argumentative. I am argumentative by nature. I am the definition of argumentative especially on something this simple.