After 6 years fiancé calls off wedding (update)

[Quest]

Hi quest ,

 

I'm sure she misses me sometimes she said so but its not enough for her as she said just because I miss you doesent mean we are "right for each other" I'm so angry at her for pushing me into the arms of other women when I don't want to be but can't help thinking she is probably going on dates and ****ting on our love ....

 

 

She told me I would meet another girl in time wtf and to make sure any girls I bring back to not do it on her bed wtf and that I deserve a sex life wtf

 

It's really hurtful to be told 'you'll meet someone else' by the person you love and were going to marry. Ugh! And it doesn't show much/any sensitivity towards you. There's a real coldness there that isn't good, and a lack of respect - the way she talks so casually about you having sex with someone else etc. Any decent person would be feeling terrible about hurting someone they'd spent six years of their life with and trying to break off with the minimum of harm to the other person, if they really felt they had to do it. It does sound like you've had a narrow miss and it must be really hurtful. Just try and stay away from conversations/contact with her as much as you can - you don't need any more pain. All I'm saying is if it does turn out all this is just because everything has got bitter and complicated post-break-up and not generally representative of her then things might calm down eventually and a talk might help you, if nothing else. But meanwhile, really, you don't need to take any more of that sort of stuff. And, if she is going on dates, well good luck to whoever she goes out with ... but don't dwell on those thoughts. Everyone thinks like that after a break-up, and it's like sticking a knife in your own back ... really, just try to concentrate on having OK days and spending time with people who don't speak to you like that. Shouldn't be hard! Get busy with things that interest you or find something new that interests you. Be with people - people that make you content and appreciate you.

[Dobie]

Thank you for your kind words quest , that's what hurts after the first initial week she has just become so hard and cold she doesn't seem to have any empathy or concern for me at all . She feels like she is justified and this "serves me right" when I txt'ed her a few weeks back telling her how hard this is and how I felt like dying all she could do is feel sorry for herself ... And moan about all the extra travel to work she is having to do .

 

She thinks because she has paid an extra months rent (if she even does) and left a washing machine etc that this is all OK as she said "I can't help if my feelings have changed " .

 

If not had one txt asking me how I am or do I need anything apart from the first week and after I told her I re homed our dog .

 

 

All she has had to do is move out , live with her sister till she is ready after Xmass to rent a flat and I've seen her diary she is out enjoying herself a lot of the time with friends , family .

 

I've had to re home my dog , lose her , find a flat mate, worry about finances my current job doesn't pay enough to meet all the bills . Deal with my sick and disabled father .. Have my heart broken , been humiliated , and I have which she knows all too will a long term anxiety / depressive disorder which has been under control for years thankfully . As well as come home every night to the home we shared together and were gong to buy .

 

You would think I cheated on her or beat her up ! Maybe she is compartmentalising I don't know but I can't understand how only a few weeks/months back she seemed warm and caring toward me planning the wedding and then this like she is dead inside .

 

 

I want to scream at her what's wrong with you !!! Don't you have any compassion ??? I would if I saw her but she will just turn it toward me and start blaming me or telling me "how hard its been for her" the last time I spoke to her I pretended I was fine with everything and I'm cool . which she said was "good" I really don't know what to do I'm just going NC apart from yes and no's to her questions about getting her stuff etc

Edited November 19, 2014 by Dobie

[Quest]

Thank you for your kind words quest , that's what hurts after the first initial week she has just become so hard and cold she doesn't seem to have any empathy or concern for me at all . She feels like she is justified and this "serves me right" when I txt'ed her a few weeks back telling her how hard this is and how I felt like dying all she could do is feel sorry for herself ... And moan about all the extra travel to work she is having to do .

 

She thinks because she has paid an extra months rent (if she even does) and left a washing machine etc that this is all OK as she said "I can't help if my feelings have changed " .

 

If not had one txt asking me how I am or do I need anything apart from the first week and after I told her I re homed our dog .

 

 

All she has had to do is move out , live with her sister till she is ready after Xmass to rent a flat and I've seen her diary she is out enjoying herself a lot of the time with friends , family .

 

I've had to re home my dog , lose her , find a flat mate, worry about finances my current job doesn't pay enough to meet all the bills . Deal with my sick and disabled father .. Have my heart broken , been humiliated , and I have which she knows all too will a long term anxiety / depressive disorder which has been under control for years thankfully . As well as come home every night to the home we shared together and were gong to buy .

 

You would think I cheated on her or beat her up ! Maybe she is compartmentalising I don't know but I can't understand how only a few weeks/months back she seemed warm and caring toward me planning the wedding and then this like she is dead inside .

 

 

I want to scream at her what's wrong with you !!! Don't you have any compassion ??? I would if I saw her but she will just turn it toward me and start blaming me or telling me "how hard its been for her" the last time I spoke to her I pretended I was fine with everything and I'm cool . which she said was "good" I really don't know what to do I'm just going NC apart from yes and no's to her questions about getting her stuff etc

 

From what you say, she really doesn't deserve you. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. You're right not to have any more contact, not when it's so abusive when you do have it. Time does heal and one day, hopefully, you'll see that it's her inadequacies that make her like this, and that it's not any reflection on you - AT ALL. By the sounds of it, you're a caring, loving person and you deserve the same. You could have definitely done without this experience but at least all this happened before you got married. It's as if she's flipped completely and that's a really shocking thing to experience. Don't underestimate that. Do think you really need to build some affirming experiences into your life. Be with good friends and family. Do something you'd really enjoy - a break away somewhere. Get a 'new' dog? It will feel like effort and possibly not what you want to do but just going through the motions for a while will have an effect eventually. One 'post-break-up' book I read suggested volunteering as a way of getting you out of yourself and feeling better - helps to help someone else when you're feeling crap. And use the phone - talk to people. Do think a few counselling sessions a good idea if you can afford it. Your doctor might be able to arrange them for you too. Whatever you do, look after you!

[Chi townD]

Thank you for your kind words quest , that's what hurts after the first initial week she has just become so hard and cold she doesn't seem to have any empathy or concern for me at all . She feels like she is justified and this "serves me right" when I txt'ed her a few weeks back telling her how hard this is and how I felt like dying all she could do is feel sorry for herself ... And moan about all the extra travel to work she is having to do .

 

She thinks because she has paid an extra months rent (if she even does) and left a washing machine etc that this is all OK as she said "I can't help if my feelings have changed " .

 

If not had one txt asking me how I am or do I need anything apart from the first week and after I told her I re homed our dog .

 

 

All she has had to do is move out , live with her sister till she is ready after Xmass to rent a flat and I've seen her diary she is out enjoying herself a lot of the time with friends , family .

 

I've had to re home my dog , lose her , find a flat mate, worry about finances my current job doesn't pay enough to meet all the bills . Deal with my sick and disabled father .. Have my heart broken , been humiliated , and I have which she knows all too will a long term anxiety / depressive disorder which has been under control for years thankfully . As well as come home every night to the home we shared together and were gong to buy .

 

You would think I cheated on her or beat her up ! Maybe she is compartmentalising I don't know but I can't understand how only a few weeks/months back she seemed warm and caring toward me planning the wedding and then this like she is dead inside .

 

 

I want to scream at her what's wrong with you !!! Don't you have any compassion ??? I would if I saw her but she will just turn it toward me and start blaming me or telling me "how hard its been for her" the last time I spoke to her I pretended I was fine with everything and I'm cool . which she said was "good" I really don't know what to do I'm just going NC apart from yes and no's to her questions about getting her stuff etc

 

 

 

Dude, your Ex is bat sh*t crazy and a selfish bitch!

 

 

You need to get your revenge. And, the best way to do that is to lead a damn good life. Do what you need to do it get in a better finical situation. Go back to school, learn something new that's going to get you a better paying job. Go out and meet new people, go to the gym and work off a lot of stress and frustrations. Get some new hobbies and join some clubs. Then, travel! Get out and go see new things and new places and people!

 

 

You're life isn't over, dude.

[Dobie]

So I had to speak to her on the phone yesterday as she is coming to pick up 99% of her stuff this weekend . as usual all she could go on about was the cost of her having to start again in her new flat and how i get to enjoy all the decorating she paid for over the years and "how she is not a bad person" and how else could she have broken up with me . she is even taking the a/v cabinet she bought which she knows I need more than her but she offered to sell it to me for what she paid (thanks)

 

I admit I lost it with her she blantly lied and denied half the things she has said to me and even accused me of making things up . I told her she has done me no favours and she is callous and selfish she seems to think because she sent a couple of txts over the last 5 weeks asking if I'm OK that proves she has a conscience . after I put the phone down on her and told her I never want to see or speak to her again I sent her a text telling her how much pain and suffering she has caused she replied as always with a one liner "I'm sorry I hurt you x " ....

 

No your not , your sorry you feel a little bad the only thing she is sorry for is the money and time she has spent on this relationship and the fact she has to pay out for new stuff .

 

She is an Utterly emotionally disconnected person who can not see what she has done or how much suffering she has caused .

[Dobie]

so she txt me this morning after last nights fight "are u ok x" not sure what to say? Dreading Saturday when she comes for all her stuff

[Quest]

so she txt me this morning after last nights fight "are u ok x" not sure what to say? Dreading Saturday when she comes for all her stuff

 

Don't think I'd reply. Do you need to be in when she comes for her stuff? Or can you at least have someone with you when she does? Ideally, you could be out and then go back in with someone with you, so you don't have to be alone when you face that.

[CarrieT]

so she txt me this morning after last nights fight "are u ok x" not sure what to say? Dreading Saturday when she comes for all her stuff

 

Leave all of it on the curb. You don't need to see her.

[annisk]

U f**kin serious? She texted asking if u are ok?!

 

My god, I'm all for putting up a fight for someone you love but this woman sounds nuts! What is she thinking? I can't help but think she's feeling a little guilty for putting you through all of this s*** but is at the same time too selfish or stubborn to admit that she's feeling unsure of it all. She sounds like a child.

 

Honestly yeah, just leave it. What kind of a stupid question is that, obviously you aren't ok?!

 

My god, people can be so selfish some times.

[Quest]

Agree with Annisk. Can't help feeling she feels guilty. May also be a bit confused about what she's doing and being defensive. Would explain the way she's hitting out so much. But def try to be out or with someone when she comes to get her stuff. Any exchanges you have will just be upsetting and make you feel worse. That's why I wouldn't respond to her text.

[mr.blond]

did she start taking any kind of medication before the break ? ssri's perhaps

[Dobie]

its good to know its not just my family and friends who think she is nuts thanks "guys" no no ssri she refuses to believe she suffers low mood or anxiety but the happiest i ever saw her was when she started reading books like "the power of now" and positive thinking sadly it only piqued her interest for a week or two though she told me she is reading some crappy book at the moment about relationships that she suggested i read . Yes she is very childish for someone so bright and sucsessfull she has the maturity level of a 10 year old

[Chi townD]

so she txt me this morning after last nights fight "are u ok x" not sure what to say? Dreading Saturday when she comes for all her stuff

 

 

Please tell me you didn't respond. Ignore her.

 

 

As far as Saturday is concerned. Don't be there. If you have a brother or sister (or even one of your parents) to house sit while she's there. Or even a trusted mutual friend. Just don't be there. Go do something else.

[Diezel]

So I had to speak to her on the phone yesterday as she is coming to pick up 99% of her stuff this weekend . as usual all she could go on about was the cost of her having to start again in her new flat and how i get to enjoy all the decorating she paid for over the years and "how she is not a bad person" and how else could she have broken up with me . she is even taking the a/v cabinet she bought which she knows I need more than her but she offered to sell it to me for what she paid (thanks)

 

She is an Utterly emotionally disconnected person who can not see what she has done or how much suffering she has caused .

 

Um... BPD. BPD. BPD. BPD. BPD.

 

Even if she wasn't, she has a BUNCH of the markers in just that quoted part above. You dodged a MASSIVE bullet.

[Dobie]

Thanks to all of you complete strangers for the kind words

 

I won't be there when she comes and no I did not respond to her txt I got the book "walking on egg shells" but I don't think she is bdp no impulsive behaviours no history of self harm apart from one incident .

 

There is something wrong with her but I don't think its bdp?

[Downtown]

I don't think she is bdp no impulsive behaviours no history of self harm apart from one incident.

Dobie, perhaps you are correct. Please keep in mind, however, that a person only has to exhibit 5 of the 9 BPD traits at a strong and persistent level to satisfy the diagnostic criteria. Hence, the lack of impulsiveness does not, by itself, rule out her having strong BPD traits. Moreover, it is common for BPDers to exhibit a lack of impulse control during very stressful moments but not do so when they are not upset. Your Ex, for example, showed a lack of impulse control when wanting to cut her arm with the knife -- even though she was good at managing her money under normal conditions.

 

Although the DSM-5 lists 9 defining traits for BPD, those traits are not equal in importance. There is one trait -- emotionally instability -- that is essential because it is the hallmark of BPD. BPDers have a limited ability to control their emotions around loved ones because those people pose a threat to the BPDers' two fears (abandonment and engulfment). This instability would be most evident in a repeated cycle of push-away and pull-back and the inability to have a calm, rational conversation with you about sensitive issues. It also would be evident in rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you. Hence, if you did not see a pattern of instability during your 6-year relationship, you were NOT seeing a pattern of BPD warning signs.

 

As to her having "no history of self harm apart from one incident," I note that most BPDers do NOT self harm. The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning and most of them do not self harm or try to commit suicide. The incidence of self harming (and suicide attempts) is much greater among the low functioning BPDers. I mention this because, if your Ex really does have strong BPD traits, she almost certainly is high functioning or you would have never been dating her for six years, much less proposing marriage.

Edited November 21, 2014 by Downtown

[Dobie]

feel like posting pictures of me out with other girls to piss her off or writting a long letter to her it does not seem fair she can just do this like she has and walk away thinking she is a "good person" ....

 

i think she has traits of the bdp and can be clingy but i don't think she fears rejection like a true bdp .

 

she is one selfish messed up person . Neurotic . Emotionally immature , stubborn , childish , lacking empathy and a permenant "victim" with mood swings , resentment , anger and anxiety , trust issues thrown in with slight paranoid tendencies in short not sure if she has a pd but she is without a doubt the above and a passive agreessive .

[Dobie]

So she came today while I was out and took all her stuff .. Even things she knows I need like a microwave pots pans hoover (though she left me a few towels and a bit of bedding as she thinks that's fair) wtf

 

She kept her word and paid one months rent (the only favour she's done me ) however that's minus the money she thinks the a/v cabinets worth which she doesn't need anyway

 

 

She thanked me for being so understanding and mature and implied she respects the love we had hence why she has been so "fair" and hopes when I'm OK we can meet for a coffe and stay friends

 

I am truly speechless so has not shown me act of kindness or compassion since she started this nor does she think she is anything but a moral , kind and good and fair person ....I don't know if I should tell her exactly how much damage and hurt she has caused me or just NC her??

[Downtown]

I don't know if I should tell her exactly how much damage and hurt she has caused me or just NC her??

NC, Dobie. Everything you've told her lately has fallen on deaf ears. If she has strong traits of BPD or NPD, she likely has little or no empathy for anything you have to say.

[Dobie]

Thanks downtown .I Dont know what's worse is if she is not I'll with a specified disorder like bdp and she is in fact just "evil how the hell did I not see it .

[Downtown]

Thanks downtown .I Dont know what's worse is if she is not I'll with a specified disorder like bdp and she is in fact just "evil how the hell did I not see it .

Dobie, you are describing a distinction -- disordered behavior vs. "evil" behavior -- without a difference. My experience is such behavior arises from a disorder. The reason is that people exhibiting evil behavior are either totally lacking in empathy and ability to love (e.g., full-blown sociopaths and narcissists) or temporarily have a distorted perception of your intentions (e.g., BPDers). This, at least, is my understanding.

[Dobie]

Well I agree in extreme cases like that of sociopaths lack of empathy due to biological or envoirmental factors etc but for her she has no set PD I can feel empathy etc but on occasion I've been selfish or horrible in my life I'd like to think not more than a handful of times but the times I was I regret and can only view that past behaviour as wrong .

 

Some people just don't get a pass card imo

[Downtown]

Well I agree in extreme cases like that of sociopaths lack of empathy due to biological or envoirmental factors etc but for her she has no set PD.... Some people just don't get a pass card imo.

Regardless of whether she has a PD or not, she must be held responsible for her own behavior. Having a PD does not give one a free pass to abuse others.

 

I can feel empathy etc but on occasion I've been selfish or horrible in my life I'd like to think not more than a handful of times but the times I was I regret and can only view that past behaviour as wrong.

Yes, we all occasionally exhibit PD traits. This is why PDs like BPD and NPD are said to be "spectrum" disorders. At low levels, most of these traits are essential to our survival, especially during childhood. The traits become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they undermine one's efforts to sustain close LTRs with other people.

 

Significantly, even we emotionally healthy people do not remain in the "low" region of the PD spectrum all of our lives. During early childhood, for example, we all exhibit strong BPD traits on a 24/7 basis. Those traits return to a strong level for several years, for most of us, when the hormones surge in our early teens. And these BPD traits will flare up again during subsequent occurrences of hormone change (e.g., pregnancy, postpartum, or perimenopause).

[Dobie]

I think I'm still in shock I'm staying at my Bros but am dreading going home to my empty house tommorow ... I can't believe 6 weeks ago we were "in love" she was my bf and I thought we were both excited about our promising future together . Now here I am posting on LS wondering wtf happened and how do I reconcile the person I loved with the person she had become towards me these last few weeks cold, unloving and callous, indifferent and blaise . Ive been dumped before in my 20s but it was always with warmth and affection the other person felt bad, tried to make me feel better asked my family about me , tried to reach out etc . pretty much what I would do if I ruined someone's life .

 

This psycho feels everything she has done is fine and that she has even been magnamanious towards me !!! Just when I try and see things from her point of view she does something else nasty or selfish ffs feel so angry I'm not the bad guy here !!!!

Edited November 22, 2014 by Dobie

[Downtown]

I think I'm still in shock I'm staying at my Bros but am dreading going home to my empty house tomorrow.

When my BPDer exW filed a R/O against me, I was ordered to stay away from my own home for 18 months (until the D was finalized). Like you, I dreaded going back there. But I was surprised how quickly I adjusted to living there by myself. One thing that helped was to leave the TV on all the time so I always had "people" and "voices" in the home. Another thing that helped a lot was completely replacing all the carpeting, which I had to do because she had ruined it before leaving. I made some other changes to the home that made it feel like "mine" again.

 

I can't believe 6 weeks ago we were "in love" she was my bf and I thought we were both excited about our promising future together.

If she has strong traits of a PD, that instant flip from loving you to hating you is to be expected. As we discussed earlier, a disordered person does black-white thinking wherein she can put all of her loving feelings toward you completely out of reach of her conscious mind. Then, several weeks or months later, she can flip back just as quickly for a few hours while she is in touch with those good feelings. And, of course, they can disappear again -- into the recesses of her mind -- just as quickly.

 

This is why it is said of BPDers that their feelings for a spouse are "a mile wide and an inch deep." That is, the feelings are real and very intense but can be quickly replaced by an opposite set of feelings that moves to the conscious level. When you are "split black" in this manner, a BPDer (or NPDer) perceives you to be Hitler incarnate and treats you accordingly.