After 6 years fiancé calls off wedding (update)

[Dobie]

Thanks downtown sounds rough as hell what you had to deal with I'm glad you managed to find a few tricks to help you cope I.e the TV etc I will try that .

 

I've never met a women who worshiped an adored me as much as my x I think that's another reason I'm finding this hard. Or who convinced me right up to the last minute that I was the most amazing man that she wanted to spend her life with .

 

She was so convinced we were meant to be she used to tell me all the time . She only started having doubts about us when she realised she was still unhappy even though everything else in her life was better

 

She is the type to always look outside for the reason of her unhappiness so once the job and friends situation was fixed she decided it was me or us . she has little faith in herself when it comes to making important descions of her own. no doubt her new single friends contributed to this as did her family hence why early on she said she didn't want to come back because she knew I would convince her to stay like I'm sort of svengali type lol

 

She is like a blank slate always looking for someone to give her meaning or to fit in.

 

She is without a doubt the most complex person I have ever met . I've studied psychology as the layman read frued and Jung among others and I know this women has definite traits of some sort of PD or mental illness but she defies categorisation among one disorder . she has some of the traits of the bdp some of the neurotic anxious depressed type ... With passive aggressive tendencies along with paranoia and trust issues (she always believes the worst in people) not jealousy per say .

 

She came into my life like a whirlwind and left like one .

Edited November 23, 2014 by Dobie

[mrs rubble]

feel like posting pictures of me out with other girls to piss her off or writting a long letter to her it does not seem fair she can just do this like she has and walk away thinking she is a "good person" ....

 

i think she has traits of the bdp and can be clingy but i don't think she fears rejection like a true bdp .

 

she is one selfish messed up person . Neurotic . Emotionally immature , stubborn , childish , lacking empathy and a permenant "victim" with mood swings , resentment , anger and anxiety , trust issues thrown in with slight paranoid tendencies in short not sure if she has a pd but she is without a doubt the above and a passive agreessive .

 

Don't go posting pic's of you and other girls. It won't piss her off, it just gives her justification to not feel bad as you are "over it" in her eyes because you're out having a good time.

I would write her a long letter, there's no need to post it. It is theraputic and does make you feel better. I did this once and posted it! Lol! The things I said would make a stripper blush! It did make me feel better. The guy I sent it to, I caught up with again years later and he actually laughed about what I'd written, and we are friends again now. (he was abusing drugs at the time.)

Edited November 23, 2014 by mrs rubble

[Downtown]

I've never met a women who worshiped and adored me as much as my x I think that's another reason I'm finding this hard. Or who convinced me right up to the last minute that I was the most amazing man that she wanted to spend her life with.

This idealization phase is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship. My exW, for example, simply idolized me when we were dating in college -- so much so that her two younger sisters also idolized me (and one of them named her only son after me). This idealization is the "high" of the relationship and the reason it quickly becomes so addictive. It also is the reason that you likely will find it hard "to settle" for a normal, healthy woman for a while -- the emotionally available women won't find you to be so God-like within the first two weeks of your relationship.

 

She only started having doubts about us when she realised she was still unhappy even though everything else in her life was better.

Similarly, my BPDer exW eventually started to project her unhappiness onto me as soon as her infatuation started to wane. A BPDer will grow increasingly resentful each year due to your inability to make her happy (an impossible task). She will project that unhappiness onto you because, as you said, "she is the type to always look outside for the reason of her unhappiness so once the job and friends situation was fixed she decided it was me or us.

 

She has little faith in herself when it comes to making important descions of her own. ...She is like a blank slate always looking for someone to give her meaning or to fit in.

Again, this "always looking for someone to give her meaning" is a classic trait of BPD. Having only a weak sense of self and a fragile ego, a BPDer typically adopts the goals and values of someone who will provide her with a sense of self identity -- until, of course, she realizes that this person is unable to make her happy. Then she will move on to someone else having a strong stable ego so that new guy can help ground and center her.

 

She defies categorization among one disorder.

This is true for the vast majority of people having a disorder. Most people diagnosed with one PD are also diagnosed as having one or two other PDs as well (together with one or two "clinical" disorders too). The reason is that the ten PDs are NOT separate diseases. Indeed, none of them are regarded as diseases. Instead, they are only groups of symptoms. These ten symptom groups, then, are simply classificatory devices that make it easier for psychologists to discuss the common patterns of dysfunctional behavior they see most often in their practices.

 

Unfortunately, when the ten PD groups were created in the diagnostic manual in 1980, too many categories (i.e., too many PD "disorders") were created. The evidence, as I noted above, is that they overlap so badly that most PD sufferers are diagnosed with having 2 or 3 different personality disorders despite the fact that each client has only ONE personality.

 

NPD and BPD are perhaps the worst offenders in this respect. Narcissism is a trait that is commonly found in several other PDs, including BPD, Antisocial PD, and Histrionic PD. Similarly, BPD is an "umbrella" disorder having traits that overlap those of several other disorders. Consequently, the APA's new draft Diagnostic Manual proposed to eliminate half of the PDs, including NPD, and consolidating them into the remaining PDs. Then the draft committee decided to retain NPD as a separate PD (eliminating only 4 others).

 

Yet, when the APA membership voted on the proposed revision in Dec 2012, they decided to retain the existing 10 PD categories until more empirical research has been done on use of the new consolidated five categories. This is why DSM-5 retains the 10 PDs and shows the proposed revision of 5 categories in a separate section that encourages further research.

 

All ten personality disorders (PDs) are spectrum disorders. A disorder like BPD, for example, is not something -- like chickenpox -- that you "have" or "don't have." Rather, it is something we all have to some degree. This reality is not apparent in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) because anyone falling short of satisfying 100% of the diagnostic criteria is said to "not have the disorder." This is as silly as categorizing everyone above 6'5" as "tall" and everyone below that height as "short."

 

Of course, psychologists have been well aware of this silliness since the PD categories were adopted in 1980. They nonetheless adopted this absurd binary approach to diagnosing PDs largely because the courts (who don't like to institutional people) and the insurance companies (who don't like to pay for treatment) insisted on a diagnostic bright line that would be set very high. Moreover, the psychologists feared that a graduated approach to diagnosis (e.g., low, normal, moderate, strong, severe) might produce inconsistent results all over the country.

 

Hence, the binary ("yes" or "no") approach the APA adopted has been an embarrassment to the psychiatric community for nearly 35 years -- a problem they are in the process of correcting. Like the proposed consolidation of PD categories, this proposed graduated approach almost made it into the new manual released last year (i.e., DSM-5) but, at the last minute, the APA membership decided to delay its introduction until more research has been done. This, at least, is my understanding, Dobie.

[Dobie]

Thank you downtown for a most interesting and informative post .

 

Yes she always seeks men with a strong sense of identity and ego to ground her and why she is devoted to her bullying , forceful , selfish , father .

 

From the first day I met her I felt "something" was missing in her , my mother and others said the same (after we broke up) there is and I can't put my finger on it apart from to say she is lacking a vibrance or strong sense of self .

 

I have to say what attracted me mostly was her beauty and her worship of me that's what kept me there over the last six years rather than a great personality or kind , fun nature . that and a white knight complex on my behalf I thought I could love and take care of her .

 

She has no real interests or passions , part of the break up she said is due to her wanting to find them as she feels she has accepted mine over the years . errr no she never had the willpower or depth to explore anything for that long nor is she sure of anything enough to say she unequivocally has an opinion .

 

But I know how transitory her interests are and how quickly she casts them aside .

Its like the other person has to do all the work for her .

 

She is not fearful of abandenment though like a true bdp .

Edited November 23, 2014 by Dobie

[Dobie]

The last text I got she mentioned when I feel better she would like to meet for a coffe and stay friends shall I just NC or say

 

"Just because I've been decent about all this does not mean I'm not deeply hurt and shocked by your callous behaviour . Considering the way you have treated me in the last six weeks from breaking my heart out of the blue to only being concerned by how this breakup has inconvienved you and your travel to work as well as the expense of you having to move to a new flat and not having a shred of sympathy for me or what I'm going through ... I don't need or want someone like you in my life " as a friend" please never contact me again " .

[Downtown]

She is not fearful of abandonment though like a true bdp.

Perhaps so. On the other hand, she may be expressing her abandonment fear in a way not so obvious to you. Sometimes it is difficult to see because the person is so fearful of abandonment that she is quick to preemptively abandon her partners before they have an opportunity to do it to her.

 

Further, you observe that she is filled "with paranoia and trust issues (she always believes the worst in people)." It is hard to imagine a woman not having an abandonment fear when she is incapable of trusting anyone to stay by her side, treat her well, or remain loyal. BPDers are incapable of trusting anyone for an extended period because they live with the fear that, once their partners discover how empty they are inside, those partners will stop loving them and leave. Moreover, one of the nine defining traits for BPD is "having stress-related paranoid thoughts."

 

Shall I just NC or [send a message].

IMO, the short answer is staying NC looks much stronger but, if it makes you feel better, send the message anyway.

 

The longer answer is that remaining NC will speak volumes and showing her your indifference is a far stronger rejection than showing her your anger. If she is disordered, your actions are far more important than words. That said, it really doesn't matter WHAT you do or say during the parting moments if she has strong BPD traits.

 

A BPDer is so unstable that it is impossible to ensure that she will have a lasting impression of you. Instead, her perception of you will change periodically as her feelings change. A BPDer's "reality" is whatever intense feelings she happens to have at that moment in time. Those feelings will be so intense that they will distort her perception of you -- regardless of what carefully chosen parting words you decided to send her.

[Dobie]

so if she is bdp or has strong traits and is acting out due to her underlying fear that i will leave her or it wont work what's the soultion downtown? I've not exactly been chasing after her .... Is it to flood her with declarations of love let her know in still in love is there a way i can get into her head and reverse this?

[Downtown]

So if she is bdp or has strong traits and is acting out due to her underlying fear that i will leave her or it wont work what's the soultion downtown?

Dobie, if she does have strong BPD traits, there is NO solution, as far as you are concerned. Neither you nor a team of psychologists can make a dent in BPD. Although a BPDer can learn how to manage it, this healing process is an inside job. Only the BPDer can do it. Specifically, she has to be willing to spend several years learning the emotional skills she never had an opportunity to learn in early childhood. It is rare, however, for a BPDer to have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to be willing to do that.

 

Is [the solution] to flood her with declarations of love let her know in still in love is there a way i can get into her head and reverse this?

Again, I don't know whether she has strong BPD traits. You are the best judge of what behaviors you've been seeing for six years. Yet, if she does have strong BPD traits, it will be impossible for you to "get into her head and reverse this." Instead, you will always be in a lose-lose situation -- no matter what you do.

 

The reason is that a BPDer's two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at the opposite ends of the VERY SAME spectrum. This means that, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering the other. Sadly, there is no midpoint position where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I wasted 15 years hunting for that Goldilocks position, which simply doesn't exist.

 

Specifically, as you move closer to assure her of your love and devotion, your intimacy will trigger her engulfment fear -- giving her a suffocating feeling of being controlled and of losing her identity inside your strong personality. Yet, as you back away to avoid engulfing her, you unavoidably will start triggering her abandonment fear. She will perceive your distancing yourself to be evidence that you really cannot be trusted to love her and remain loyal. (This lose-lose conundrum doesn't occur, however, if your Ex does not have a great fear of abandonment.)

[writergal]

Dobie I'm sorry for what happened to you. I don't have much to add since everyone who has posted here has given you great feedback and advice already.

 

Can you get roommate to help with the monthly rent? Also, I don't understand why you had to re-home your dog if it's your house and your dog, that you love so much?

[lolablue17]

The last text I got she mentioned when I feel better she would like to meet for a coffe and stay friends shall I just NC or say

 

"Just because I've been decent about all this does not mean I'm not deeply hurt and shocked by your callous behaviour . Considering the way you have treated me in the last six weeks from breaking my heart out of the blue to only being concerned by how this breakup has inconvienved you and your travel to work as well as the expense of you having to move to a new flat and not having a shred of sympathy for me or what I'm going through ... I don't need or want someone like you in my life " as a friend" please never contact me again " .

 

Great text... let me offer some editing for you (I'm not an English speaker so you'll probably want to change some of it) it goes like that:

 

"Just because I've been decent about all this does not mean I'm not deeply hurt and shocked by your callous behaviour. I can't believe the way you have treated me in the last six weeks, only being concerned by how this breakup has inconvenienced you, and your travel to work as well as the expense of you having to move to a new flat and not having a shred of sympathy for what I'm going through.

 

You said that when i feel better maybe we can meet and stay friends. Well, i'm strong and feel really OK now. But i have a different offer: when YOU can change and become a bit less self centered and egocentric, and develop some ability to see other people besides yourself, maybe then we can meet and stay friends. I doubt if it ever happens, but until then, just never contact me again".

Edited November 23, 2014 by lolablue17

[writergal]

The last text I got she mentioned when I feel better she would like to meet for a coffe and stay friends shall I just NC or say

 

"Just because I've been decent about all this does not mean I'm not deeply hurt and shocked by your callous behaviour . Considering the way you have treated me in the last six weeks from breaking my heart out of the blue to only being concerned by how this breakup has inconvienved you and your travel to work as well as the expense of you having to move to a new flat and not having a shred of sympathy for me or what I'm going through ... I don't need or want someone like you in my life " as a friend" please never contact me again " .

 

Ask yourself if you would feel better sending your text response to her. Do you want to keep the lines of communication open with her or remain NC so that you can fade out of each other's lives?

 

If it makes you feel better to send it, then do. But why do you want to send it? To have the last word? To get her empathy so she will apologize to you? Based on everything that you've written about her, I doubt she will show you any empathy or apologize to you. She sounds like a very superficial, self-centered woman who puts herself first and everyone else second.

[Dobie]

Wow just got back from my brothers and she has taken litteraly nearly everything the curtains the pots pans, cutlery , even cheap £2 baking trays

 

She has only left what is old and tired or she can't use or what is unquestionably 100% mine . Anything we bought together she has taken .

 

She even took this years birthday presents ( though I said I didn't want them)

 

This whole thing beggers belief I am stunned truly how someone only months before was my fiancé and now this she has acted in a way I would expect someone who hates me to .

 

House is empty and cold ...dog had to go becuase I cant afford to keep him plus as a single man its not fair on him to be alone most of the time .

 

Got a friend moving in soon hopefully , though overheads are high so need to find a better paid job asap.

[Itspointless]

Wow just got back from my brothers and she has taken litteraly nearly everything the curtains the pots pans, cutlery , even cheap £2 baking trays

 

She has only left what is old and tired or she can't use or what is unquestionably 100% mine . Anything we bought together she has taken .

 

She even took this years birthday presents ( though I said I didn't want them)

The upside to this is that she saved you the trouble of keeping things in clear sight that remind you of her. It gives you the opportunity to make it something new.

[Chi townD]

The last text I got she mentioned when I feel better she would like to meet for a coffe and stay friends shall I just NC or say

 

"Just because I've been decent about all this does not mean I'm not deeply hurt and shocked by your callous behaviour . Considering the way you have treated me in the last six weeks from breaking my heart out of the blue to only being concerned by how this breakup has inconvienved you and your travel to work as well as the expense of you having to move to a new flat and not having a shred of sympathy for me or what I'm going through ... I don't need or want someone like you in my life " as a friend" please never contact me again " .

 

 

Don't send anything. Stay in NC. If you send that text, that makes you seem bitter and butt hurt. Well, you are..but, she doesn't need to know it. If you send her that text, then she can find a way to forgive her behavior towards you. " Wow, if that's the way he feels, I'm glad I got rid of his ass."

 

 

When you don't send anything, you give her NOTHING! She has no idea where your head is at. She has no idea if you're angry or sad or just don't give a damn. She doesn't know if you're upset that she took damn near everything out of the apartment. She knows NOTHING! Therefore, she's forced to hold onto that guilt and learn from it.

[Dobie]

Thanks chi though she has no guilt and already has justified this in her warped mind .

Edited November 23, 2014 by Dobie

[Quest]

Wow just got back from my brothers and she has taken litteraly nearly everything the curtains the pots pans, cutlery , even cheap £2 baking trays

 

She has only left what is old and tired or she can't use or what is unquestionably 100% mine . Anything we bought together she has taken .

 

She even took this years birthday presents ( though I said I didn't want them)

 

This whole thing beggers belief I am stunned truly how someone only months before was my fiancé and now this she has acted in a way I would expect someone who hates me to .

 

House is empty and cold ...dog had to go becuase I cant afford to keep him plus as a single man its not fair on him to be alone most of the time .

 

Got a friend moving in soon hopefully , though overheads are high so need to find a better paid job asap.

 

Think it's great you've got a friend moving in - company, new stuff around the place and help with bills. Also, it should mean new people coming into your life and someone to go out for a drink with, or whatever, in the evening from time to time. As soon as the new stuff moves in with your friend you'll be able to forget all the blank spaces she's left ... you don't want reminders of her around the place anyway. So sad that you had to lose your dog but agree it'snot fair on a dog to be left on its own all day. Some people I know dog share to get round that ... just a thought!

[Dobie]

Thanks quest yes its deff a plus my god the women even took the pizza cutter I'm sitting here eating pizza with no slicer lol

 

Total classless act for all her money and education .

[Chi townD]

Thanks chi though she has no guilt and already has justified this in her warped mind .

 

 

Oh, give it time. It may not be today, tomorrow, next week or even months from now. But, sooner or later, she's going to feel it and get curious.

 

 

See, one thing about girls. They can't stand the fact that someone on this planet might hate them or not think they are a nice person. Therefore, she'll contact you to see where your head is at. Especially if she doesn't have any idea what's going on in your life.

[Dobie]

That's her she can't stand to be disliked and when she does reach out chi what's the best way to screw with her ?

[writergal]

That's her she can't stand to be disliked and when she does reach out chi what's the best way to screw with her ?

 

Pretend she doesn't exist if she texts you. In fact, delete her phone # from your cell phone and block her phone number so she can't reach you. Then delete her from all of your shared social media (Facebook, email, snapchat or whatever online platforms you two are connected through).

 

You are a ghost in the wind now...

 

 

Don't waste your energy screwing with her if she reaches out to you again (all exes do this unfortunately). Any breadcrumbs she throws your way will be self-motivated to boost her ego at your expense. The best revenge is to go on with your life and be happy. Meet new people. Date women when you're ready. Partake in hobbies that fulfill you. Do whatever you want to achieve happiness that doesn't involve her.

[Diezel]

Don't try screwing with her, it'll only twist you up even more.

 

And I'm glad she took all those things, those are less things you'll have of her that'll remind her of you. To new beginnings... cheers.

[Quest]

Thanks quest yes its deff a plus my god the women even took the pizza cutter I'm sitting here eating pizza with no slicer lol

 

Total classless act for all her money and education .

 

So, in her 'new' life she'll have nicely cut pizzas ... Now is definitely the time to put your attention on to you and not have contact so you really do it. Best 'revenge' is to have a good life someone said to me and think it's true though it takes a lot of effort not to want to send letters/emails and say how you feel etc. Writing letters and not sending them, though, is therapeutic!

[Dobie]

i think im finding it hardest becuase i know she is out enjoying her new life while im left picking up all the pieces . She has no feelings for me anymore , money is no issue and she has money and new friends to enjoy holidays days out etc while i feel like im three steps behind .

[writergal]

i think im finding it hardest becuase i know she is out enjoying her new life while im left picking up all the pieces . She has no feelings for me anymore , money is no issue and she has money and new friends to enjoy holidays days out etc while i feel like im three steps behind .

 

Sorry you feel that way Dobie, but I see you as being three steps ahead of her. You are no longer attached to a shallow, self-centered woman who cares more about pizza-cutters and curtains than the welfare of her relationship with you.

 

Think of the years of misery you've freed yourself from experiencing now that she's gone. She sounds like a truly awful person who values things rather than people. You are free of her now and get to start your life over and meet a woman who is 100% more compatible with you than she ever was. Right? Try to see the silver lining in your situation.

 

I know it's hard to see right now, but there is always an upside to situations like these.

[elaine567]

Well pick yourself up, you are now free to do what you want with your life.

 

It is up to you to make your own happiness, no-one can do that for you.

Think of all the stuff you always wanted to do, make a list and just do them. there is no-one to stand in your way now.

 

YOU had a lucky escape, she may have married you anyway, some do, and you would have been saddled with an unhappy wife for the next 30 years.

Count your blessings.