After 6 years fiancé calls off wedding (update)

[Quest]

i think im finding it hardest becuase i know she is out enjoying her new life while im left picking up all the pieces . She has no feelings for me anymore , money is no issue and she has money and new friends to enjoy holidays days out etc while i feel like im three steps behind .

 

I've felt like that before and it sucks but, really, you have no idea if she's having a great time or not. She can have the money and holidays etc but there's that saying, "Wherever you go, there you are" and wherever she goes she's there too - with all her issues and stuff.

Anyway, think the best and only thing you can do is not dwell on that ... you can have a good time too. It just takes time to build up your life again and take pleasure from the things you do, the people in your life etc.

With or without a pizza cutter you can have fun!

[Dobie]

that's the thing she never stoped me doing anything . My whole life and goal was loving her and making her happy , every dream i had was for us buying a flat getting married traveling together when i past my exams and got a better paid job .

 

in the early years she was a lot kinder she used to drive me to my fathers every week , she was good to him but the last year or so her worse qualities seemed to come to the surface more and more its not like she was ever a saint but she was warmer more of a sharer a nicer person as the years drew on she became more resentful more cold more self obsessed . The crazy thing is i saw more of the old her weeks before the bu then bu and post bu its like all her most negative traits are on steroids and what sweet parts to her just vanished .

[Quest]

that's the thing she never stoped me doing anything . My whole life and goal was loving her and making her happy , every dream i had was for us buying a flat getting married traveling together when i past my exams and got a better paid job .

 

in the early years she was a lot kinder she used to drive me to my fathers every week , she was good to him but the last year or so her worse qualities seemed to come to the surface more and more its not like she was ever a saint but she was warmer more of a sharer a nicer person as the years drew on she became more resentful more cold more self obsessed . The crazy thing is i saw more of the old her weeks before the bu then bu and post bu its like all her most negative traits are on steroids and what sweet parts to her just vanished .

 

It's really hard. You've been everything you should be in a relationship and a lot of women would really appreciate all the good qualities you have to give. Wanting to please you SO and make her happy are absolutely natural. Why she's changed, you might never know - or you might find out in the long run that she regrets what she's done and it was all an over-reaction to something. But she's done this now and it would be really hard ever to trust her again, even if this is all an aberration. Still think it's best to be NC ... you need time to process all this.

[FortunateSon]

Dobie, your situation really resonates with me. I went through something very similar, a 6 year relationship/engagement was ended and my ex fiancé exhibited the same behaviors your did, right down to picking my house clean when she left!! Mine demonstrated VERY strong BPD tendencies and got in a relationship 4 months after our split. She was emotionally abusive and by all accounts not a very good person, especially for the last year and a half we were together, but she shifted all of the blame on to me for her unhappiness.

 

For me it was a very difficult period after the break up. Even though in hindsight it was clear she did not to treat me well, we had a comfortable life together which I mostly funded. We had a lot of hopes and dreams together that were never going to be realized, which was one of the things that hurt the most. I struggled with the fact that she seemingly was able to find a new relationship quickly, while I was still working through my feelings and alone. The minute I found she was in another relationship, I went completely NC including blocking her on social media, which was the best thing I could have ever done.

 

It's been over a year now and the the progress I have made in tremendous. My advice to you, as others have said, is to focus on yourself. Do the things that make you happy and find ways to evolve in your life that you may not have before. This woman is not the one for you, don't continue to let her have space in your mind. Staying NC is key. I am to the point where I wouldn't even know what to say to my ex anymore if I ever saw her, it's funny how that works. With time you will feel whole again and be ready to move forward with a woman who is truly compatible wit you and that will show you the love and respect you deserve!

[Dobie]

quest : i could trust and forigve that's how i am if she even just appoligised for how she has been since the bu it would do wonders but like i said she thinks she is being fair no doubt she is receving reinforcment from her selfish family and friends they came with her to pick the house clean so that gives you an idea of thier sense of compassion . Like i said before she is even denying the things she said or accusing me making them up . She is on a mission to hate me and justify all this .

 

fortunate son

 

im very sorry you went through something smilar i wouldent wish this on anyone . IM glad you are in a good place now bro

[Dobie]

her mind works exactly like this

 

" I've paid More toward the joint bills over the last couple of years so im justified "

" I've paid more towards holidays she wanted to go on so im justified "

" I've paid towards decorating the flat so im justified"

 

she forgets that what little i had i always shared or even spent thousands on her birthdays selling my stuff to make her happy.

 

i never said ok we don't have sex often so im entitled to cheat .

 

i couldent compete with her salary over the last few years but i made sure i contributed in other ways ... Picking her up from work every night, cooking , listening to her problems for hours each night after a long day at work and dealing with the dog , going shopping and trying to make her feel better the only thing she put into this relationship over the last few years was money .

[BC1980]

her mind works exactly like this

 

" I've paid More toward the joint bills over the last couple of years so im justified "

" I've paid more towards holidays she wanted to go on so im justified "

" I've paid towards decorating the flat so im justified"

 

she forgets that what little i had i always shared or even spent thousands on her birthdays selling my stuff to make her happy.

 

i never said ok we don't have sex often so im entitled to cheat .

 

i couldent compete with her salary over the last few years but i made sure i contributed in other ways ... Picking her up from work every night, cooking , listening to her problems for hours each night after a long day at work and dealing with the dog , going shopping and trying to make her feel better the only thing she put into this relationship over the last few years was money .

 

People will try to rationalize their behavior in any way possible. No one wants to admit to wrongdoing. You don't have to agree to her version. In the coming months, you will be able to see more objectively. You can take your blame but no more. What she does is of no concern to you. BTW, the excuse that they were pushed into cheating is literally the oldest excuse in the cheater's handbook.

[Dobie]

the only thing i blame myself for is getting complacent but its also exhausting when someone is such high maintaince i was burnt out .

 

i wish i had cheated on her i wish id left her early on when i noticed what a drain she is but her passion and loyalty towards me inspired loyalty and devotion what a chump instead of wasting my 30s with such a waste of time i could have been married to someone else and been happy .

[Quest]

quest : i could trust and forigve that's how i am if she even just appoligised for how she has been since the bu it would do wonders but like i said she thinks she is being fair no doubt she is receving reinforcment from her selfish family and friends they came with her to pick the house clean so that gives you an idea of thier sense of compassion . Like i said before she is even denying the things she said or accusing me making them up . She is on a mission to hate me and justify all this .

 

 

Do understand. I've been in a very similar situation - with an ex whose family kind of reinforced his decision. Looking back they were never that accepting of me and I think his decision to break up was what they wanted and they encouraged it. It was really hard and frustrating. But now I just think if he'd really wanted me he'd not have been influenced like that and also if he was that in the power of his mother then I had no chance, also that I wanted someone who didn't put me after them ... if that makes sense. Actually, now what they did or didn't do never enters my mind, just what he did. I never got an apology - it might have helped and for a long time afterwards I would have definitely have been swayed by it. So I know how you feel. The hurt does get less though, and I hope that happens soon for you.

[Itspointless]

i wish i had cheated on her i wish id left her early on when i noticed what a drain she is but her passion and loyalty towards me inspired loyalty and devotion what a chump instead of wasting my 30s with such a waste of time i could have been married to someone else and been happy .

It really has no use to think about other ways our lives could have progressed. Perhaps you would have been alone for six years, who knows?

 

First of all marriage is not an end-station. And although she was a handful, you wouldn't have stayed with her if she sucked all the time. Try to see what you did experience with her and see the good moments for what they were: good moments. See the bad moments also for what they are: lessons.

[Dobie]

She still hasn't paid the one months rent she owes , I don't want to chase her for it though as that's what she wants ... Day off today from work so have done a bit of an inventory she even took the cheap old xmass tree couldn't stop crying all morning I don't understand how someone who onced loved me could be so heartless

[Downtown]

I don't understand how someone who onced loved me could be so heartless.

Dobie, hundreds of us on this forum have gone through that same terrible shock: seeing a loved one turn on us with a vengence and in a way we never would have thought was possible -- indeed, could not have imagined. As I noted earlier, that instant flip from loving you to hating you is to be expected if the person has strong traits of BPD or NPD.

 

Such a person does black-white thinking wherein she can put all of her loving feelings toward you completely out of reach of her conscious mind. Then, several weeks or months later, she can flip back just as quickly for a few hours while she is in touch with those good feelings. And, of course, they can disappear again -- into the recesses of her mind -- just as quickly.

[Dobie]

The thing is downtown she has never done this before if she had bdp traits would this

have happened before ?

[Quest]

I don't know much, or anything really, about BPD. But people do flip even if they've not shown any signs of it before. In my case he did sort of flip back again, and the flip itself happened after four years. Prior to that break-up he had just been moody and difficult on occasion and I probably put up with stuff I shouldn't have. After the break-up it took a long time of NC in which I moved on for him to start sending notes etc and apparently regretting it. But my guess is if I'd tried to resurrect things, which I didn't want to do by then, he'd probably have moved away again. I'm glad I never tried that and was in a place not to when the 'opportunity' (ha, ha) arose. I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful but I think crying is a good thing - ironically. You need to mourn this loss. The only way out is through, as they say. You WILL get through this!

[BC1980]

She still hasn't paid the one months rent she owes , I don't want to chase her for it though as that's what she wants ... Day off today from work so have done a bit of an inventory she even took the cheap old xmass tree couldn't stop crying all morning I don't understand how someone who onced loved me could be so heartless

 

You're probably not going to get the money. That is something many of us have learned after a breakup. Unless you want to actually chase the person down, you likely won't get it. You will realize that your ex doesn't care anymore, so she has no incentive to pay you back any money. I'm still waiting on money 1.5 years later.

[Quest]

Yes, that's probably true. I never got back some stuff I should have. Could have chased it up, I suppose but couldn't face it at the time.

[DenverDude]

I took the time to read this entire chain, all 8 or 9 pages, and I am honestly heartbroken for you Dobie. My ex literally just moved out of my apartment today. The movers came this morning (I wasnt there) and she had them pack all of her belongings. She was the ''decorator'' so she got the couches, loveseat, table, end tables, bed etc etc.. I just know when I get home tonight my place is going to be empty. I am literally going to be sleeping on a sleeping back on my wood floor. Hell, she probably took the pillows that I was using too. So long story short, I can relate to the pain you feeling, but it seems like your ex was just a cold cold cold cold cold cold person. I really feel sorry for everything you are dealing with. I am here for you, as is everyone else, if you need anything.

[Dobie]

Denver I'm so sorry to hear that bro thank you for your kind words I hope you don't let her get to you . I don't know about your situation or what she was like but I hope she had a little more class and comppasion than the women who left me . anytime you fancy a chat bro pm me

 

 

Stay strong , possessions mean nothing honor and integrity can never be bought !

[Downtown]

The thing is downtown she has never done this before if she had bdp traits would this have happened before ?

Dobie, if she has strong BPD traits, her emotional instability would have started showing itself about six months into your relationship, i.e., when her infatuation started to evaporate. That instability would have been evident in the way she flips back and forth -- every several weeks -- between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you). If you were not seeing that type of behavior during your 6-year relationship then, no, you were not seeing typical BPD warning signs.

 

You seem to suggest, however, that you did see this cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back and you did see emotional instability. In post #7 above you said, "She enjoys and has always swung between excessive adoration of me and us (we are meant to be) and anxious worry (do we make each other happy)." Also, you said that she once stated that she would kill herself if you were to die. And, then, there is that instance with her trying to cut herself with the knife.

 

As to your question, her not walking out on you earlier does NOT rule out her having BPD. My exW, for example, never walked out on me for 15 years -- until the very end. She did, however, exhibit the push-pull cycle -- every 3 to 5 weeks. That is, she would start a big fight over absolutely nothing (to push me away) and then pull me back with love bombing and adoration. As the years went by, she grew increasingly fearful of abandonment and increasingly resentful of my inability to make her happy.

 

Moreover, as I established stronger personal boundaries to protect myself in the last two years, she became far more fearful of abandonment. She mistakenly thought I was thinking about leaving her. The result was that, after going into another temper tantrum, she called the police and had me thrown into jail.

[Strength in Healing]

The result was that, after going into another temper tantrum, she called the police and had me thrown into jail.

 

 

Interesting. What exactly happened and what was your charge, if any?

 

Borderline's are the scum of the Earth, even if the poison that turned them that way was made out of them being a victim. They cannot be rehabilitated. They pull you in rapidly, have high high's and low low's, but don't ever love you like you love them, or like you THINK they love you. Absolute cancer.

[Dobie]

Donwntown it so hard to remember a lot of stuff esp from the early days but she said herself she used to hang on my every word . she never got loud or aggressive but she used to just well... Here's a typical cycle

 

 

Early years .

 

Omg I love you so much we are meant to be together , cause a row over nothing or just be miserable and bad tempered , provoke me ( easy to do) you do love me don't you .

 

Latter years

 

Omg I love you so much we are meant to be together , even more irratible , even more sulky and sullen and resentful, do we make each other happy? , more bad moods, I don't know why I'm unhappy it must be you , uber resentment .

 

She deff has issues . she deff fits a lot of the PD traits . I'd love her to get a psy - evaluation

 

Funny thing has just hit me , a few times when she was going to walk out over the years when we had a row family and friends let her down . And she said "your always there for me" .

 

As soon as she no longer felt isolated or on her own , she left.

[Downtown]

IWhat exactly happened and what was your charge, if any?

She had been chasing me room to room and I finally retreated behind a bedroom door having no lock. After she kept opening the door and had proceeded to slam it against the wall (trying to hit me with it), I pushed her away from the door. She stumbled when stepping back and fell down, giving her an excuse to call the police and accuse me of "brutalizing" her. In this State, pushing anyone is a misdemeanor. Moreover, because she was on blood thinner medication, she immediately started showing bruises where my hands had pushed against her chest.

 

Borderline's are the scum of the Earth.... Absolute cancer.

If that were true, SIH, it also would be true of every four year old on the planet. BPDers are adults whose emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old. They therefore are fully reliant on the primitive ego defenses available to very young children: projection, black-white thinking, denial, magical thinking, and temper tantrums.

 

Importantly, BPDers are NOT bad people. Rather, they are simply unstable people who are unable to regulate their own emotions. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full blown BPD if their biographers are correct. This is not to say, however, that they get a free pass to abuse anyone they want. Like young children, they must be held accountable for their own bad behavior or they will have no incentive to confront their issues and learn how to manage them.

Edited November 26, 2014 by Downtown

[Strength in Healing]

BPDers are adults whose emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old. They therefore are fully reliant on the primitive ego defenses available to very young children: projection, black-white thinking, denial, magical thinking, and temper tantrums.

 

Importantly, BPDers are NOT bad people. Rather, they are simply unstable people who are unable to regulate their own emotions.

 

Lol, that could technically be akin to saying a serial killer isn't bad because they can't feel empathy and regulate their behavior accordingly.

 

Other than that, though, I can appreciate what you are saying.

 

However, nearing my residency in my quest to obtaining my Doctorate in Neuropsych, I can say I have never seen a legitimate example of anyone with BPD being fixed. I have, however, seen countless evidence of the destruction they leave in their wake. It's horrifying.

[Downtown]

Downtown, she never got loud or aggressive.

Dobie, as you know, the vast majority of BPDers get loud and aggressive because they turn their anger outward onto their partners. However, a small portion of BPDers -- I would guess 5% to 10% -- usually turn their anger inward. They still punish their partners, however. They do this passively aggressively. These BPDers are called "borderline waifs" and "quiet borderlines." I suggest you take a look at Shari Schreiber's description of them at Borderline Waifs to see if it sounds familiar.

[Downtown]

Lol, that could technically be akin to saying a serial killer isn't bad because they can't feel empathy and regulate their behavior accordingly.

SIH, you are confusing BPDers with sociopaths. The difference between those two groups is night and day.

 

Other than that, though, I can appreciate what you are saying.

Thank you. Likewise, I like most of what you say -- when you are not calling BPDers "scum" and comparing them to serial killers. Such extreme views constitutes the very same type of black-white thinking that BPDers are notorious for. I therefore encourage you to look for the many positive characteristics of BPDers. They have much to offer society that is worthwhile. Indeed, if I could choose between partying with BPDers or Nons (i.e., nonBPDers), I would choose BPDers every time. Generally, they are far more fun to be around than the Nons.

 

I have, however, seen countless evidence of the destruction they leave in their wake. It's horrifying.

No, it is impossible for BPDers to single handedly "destroy" other peoples' lives. BPDers do not possess that power over other people. Indeed, the vast majority of people dating them simply walk away from the relationship when the BPDer's infatuation ends and the abuse starts.

 

The people who get "destroyed" by BPDer relationships are the excessive caregivers like us who remain in the relationship long after the infatuation has evaporated and the toxicity has begun. Importantly, that toxicity is NOT something the BPDer does to us. Rather, it is something we BOTH do to each other. Of course, the BPDer's contribution to the toxicity (i.e., the temper tantrums and projection) is easy to see.

 

Our contribution, however, is far more difficult to see because -- after all -- we are "only trying to help." It therefore can take us many years to eventually realize that our enabling behavior actually harmed our BPDer partner -- as well as harming ourselves -- by keeping us mired in a relationship that was toxic to both parties. Hence, BPDers do not have any power over us that we don't willingly give to them.