After 6 years fiancé calls off wedding (update)

[Strength in Healing]

I like you, Downtown.

 

The correlation I drew between BPD's and antisocial PD wasn't literal, but rather similarities by analogy.

 

As for the rest, there, that tends to be a philosophical debate, which I do enjoy, but tonight just don't have enough energy to do well in.

 

But I commend you for being positive.

[Dobie]

Finding it tough at the moment the anxiety has started to set in I keep waking up because I'm too anxious to sleep or have to really push myself to do some things as I feel anxious and fearful. I have a long standing depression/anxiety disorder since my teens I'm on zoloft and for the last few years have been great . All this upheaval and destruction has brought back albeit mildly some of those old horrible feelings .

 

 

Just wondering if anyone can point towards some good books or videos to help ? Really need to work on this as I don't want a total flare up .

[Dobie]

OK she is going to transfer some of the money towards the rent she promised .

Minus the money for the a/v cabinet she left .

 

She put a x on the end of the text should I say thanks?

 

This has been her only act of a little kindness .

[writergal]

Why isn't she going to give you her full share of the rent she owes you? Why only a portion of it? Because she probably spent it while on holiday with her friends?

 

I recommend any books on cognitive therapy and meditation for help with anxiety and panic attacks. Your life has been completely upended, so I think it's completely normal to have some anxiety and experience panic attacks until you can get your life settled again once your friend moves in.

 

She added an x to the end of her text? Don't read into that. It's her being superficial. Why not ask her for the full amount of rent? What have you got to lose? She's unreasonable for not offering to pay the full amount of rent.

[Dobie]

She is charging me for the a/v cabinet she has left behind .

 

She has taken back her birthday present back she bought me , refused to pay for another present she told me to buy before the bu.

 

Taken pretty much everything out of the flat that was ours, so I'm lucky to get even this tbh.

 

Like I said she is more concerned over the money she spent on decorating over the years and how much her new flat is going to cost her than my feelings in all this .

 

 

[writergal]

She is charging me for the a/v cabinet she has left behind .

 

She has taken back her birthday present back she bought me , refused to pay for another present she told me to buy before the bu.

 

Taken pretty much everything out of the flat that was ours, so I'm lucky to get even this tbh.

 

Like I said she is more concerned over the money she spent on decorating over the years and how much her new flat is going to cost her than my feelings in all this .

 

 

 

Unless she has a receipt for that cabinet, she can't charge you any money. She sounds like she's being very petty. My friend, you dodged a huge bullet as she sounds like a superficial person who puts her needs before yours or anyone else.

 

Well, if you ask her for the full rent she owes, what will she do? She's legally obligated to pay that to you isn't she? Then she has to pay it. Don't let her bully you or cajole you out of paying you her full share of rent due.

[Dobie]

Writergirl ,

 

I could have done that for pretty much all the stuff but I won't give her the satisfaction to stoop to her low level .

 

 

She is burning with resentment because over the last few years she has earnt a lot more than me and feels resentful and entitled .

 

God even getting that text from her hurt and made me shake after this there will be only NC as I have nothing further to talk to her about .

 

S'funny all my friends / family feel the same that I dodged a bullet no one is like damm we loved her you two were perfect what a shame . Yet I'm still sitting here like an ******* pining . Thanks for the tips on the books I ordered a few on cbt from Amazon

Edited November 26, 2014 by Dobie

[writergal]

Writergirl ,

 

I could have done that for pretty much all the stuff but I won't give her the satisfaction to stoop to her low level .

 

 

She is burning with resentment because over the last few years she has earnt a lot more than me and feels resentful and entitled .

 

God even getting that text from her hurt and made me shake after this there will be only NC as I have nothing further to talk to her about .

 

So will she mail you a rent check or Paypal it? How does she plan to get the money to you? I just don't even trust her.

 

I'm sure it did hurt to get that text from her after everything that she's done to you. Right now you are feeling raw and vulnerable which is normal. With time, whether its weeks or months that pass, you will eventually regain your inner strength and not be as emotionally effected if she throws you any breadcrumb texts which would only be when she needs you to boost her ego, and not because she actually cares about your feelings anymore.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to not fight your current reality by dwelling on the past with her. When does your friend move in? With a new roommate, new furnishings, even your home environment will feel better, calmer, newer. You will feel more at peace.

 

Take one day at a time. That's all you need to do to get through this experience. Everyday you will feel better even if you don't think you do, you will.

[Itspointless]

She put a x on the end of the text should I say thanks?

No. You would be lying if you did. Perhaps it is more than you expected, but that still is no reason to thank her. I am really sorry it has to go like this.

 

A book that helped me is:Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again

Edited November 26, 2014 by Itspointless

[Dobie]

Friend moves in Sunday he is a quite keep to him self sort of guy but at least I will have a friendly face in the house

 

She will bank transfer the money , I feel like saying thanks for the only shred of kindness you have shown in 6 weeks .

 

Thanks for the book tip

[Dobie]

I've got a feeling when this is over my bro is going to confront her in an email and tell her what a crappy person she is . I asked him not to but my bro is very protective and he hates her , he never liked her from day one he just kept trying for my sake and hoping she would change .

[Itspointless]

She will bank transfer the money , I feel like saying thanks for the only shred of kindness you have shown in 6 weeks.

I can imagine. But you can ask yourself if it makes you happy? If it 'really' does you can thank her. But I have the feeling it is more some kind of a relieve that at least she did something she promised to you than a feeling of thankfulness. Even when doing this she showed that she cares more about her money than you.

[FortunateSon]

My ex got really petty like yours and took everything she could, even though I was the one that paid for almost everything. She even had the audacity to ask for money back that she contributed as monthly "rent" payments when helping with bills. Would you really want to spend your life with someone who has shown this degree of self-centered pettiness? As others have said Dobie, you have dodged a bullet with this one. As much as it hurts now, NC and time will help you move forward and realize in hindsight that this woman was not the right one for you!

[Quest]

Like others have said, I don't think you should reply, nor do you need to. She's only doing what she should do - give you back some money she owes you. And even then she's not exactly being generous about it, just doing the minimum. She seems to be focused on money and possessions and you're focused on the emotional fall-out. Your position is much healthier - shows you've got your priorities right, I would say. Money matters, of course, but at a time like this, especially when she doesn't seem to be in the least hard up, to be all about cash and not emotions seems really, well, un-human. Again, as others have said, don't think you'd really want to spend your life with someone like this in the long-run. Imagine going through major life events - bereavements, unemployment, sickness with someone like that ... . would she have been any comfort or support?

[beach]

Some of this stuff sounds awfully familiar. Have to say it: is it possible there's another guy in the picture?

 

That was my thought too - she met someone new she intends to date so she dumped you.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, stay NC on this. Any reply to any so-called "kindness" on her part is your hope that she has something human in her. It will be met with more coldness or unresponsiveness. Focus on yourself, your situation. Keep writing to LS, reading about PD to help get through this time. Feel free to read my story(my first post).

 

I still deal with trying to wrap my head around my ex's behavior. But the pain is no longer acute. Acceptance has come slowly and resolutely.

 

I do think there is probably someone else in the picture. People like this have to transfer the emotional weight somewhere. They never tell you because it would lessen their integrity both in their own eyes and to the eyes of others. They puff up their chest, latch on to a few of your shortcomings and make it out to be some bold life choice on their part.

 

Stay strong.

[Dobie]

I hope there is no one else I know it's not impossible but I doubt it ...

 

She is getting the emotional support from her family and friends . That's what she has built up a new network . As she said then denied I want to find out who I am I want to do all these things , I couldn't do in a relationship she wants to be 21 again getting to 30 scared her , getting a house and I think spending the rest of her life with one person she has a lot of new single friends and wants to have fun .

 

She thinks she has missed out being in relationships for the last 10 years .

 

She is immature and selfish so its all about her and having fun . spending her money etc

 

Quest in the early days she was very supportive and more care free a lot less selfish but in the last few years she has turned into someone ugly

 

She paid the money at least .

Edited November 26, 2014 by Dobie

[SycamoreCircle]

Well, I never would have thought if of my ex, either. I mean, she stayed at home all the time. She told me during our breakup, "I don't need the emotional support of men. I have friends."

 

Oh, such lies.

 

I think if a woman were stranded on a desert island,

 

a) emotional/sexual needs would take priority over food/water/shelter

 

b) she'd figure out a way to get those needs met.

 

Maybe dressing up in coconut bras, dancing for orangutans while fashioning a dildo out of coral.

 

:/

[Dobie]

How did you find out bro?

[Quest]

I hope there is no one else I know it's not impossible but I doubt it ...

 

She is getting the emotional support from her family and friends . That's what she has built up a new network . As she said then denied I want to find out who I am I want to do all these things , I couldn't do in a relationship she wants to be 21 again getting to 30 scared her , getting a house and I think spending the rest of her life with one person she has a lot of new single friends and wants to have fun .

 

She thinks she has missed out being in relationships for the last 10 years .

 

She is immature and selfish so its all about her and having fun . spending her money etc

 

Quest in the early days she was very supportive and more care free a lot less selfish but in the last few years she has turned into someone ugly

 

She paid the money at least .

 

Yes, she did and it sounds as if there were lots of good times, whatever she's like at the moment. Guess you just have to really focus on turning your attention onto yourself for now and get through the next few weeks. It sounds like your family are supportive too so that's good. One 'good' thing in a situation like this is you find out how amazingly caring and supportive people can be!

[Dobie]

Family are great esp my bro im lucky .

 

Just can't understand how she has become so cold , unfeeling and hard toward me that I think is what's driving me nuts quest .

 

She was softer in the first week , I guess as time wore on her family, friends and her own mind just started to justify and disconnect from me and the last 6 years I mean does a mentally healthy person go from "I love you , let's plan a wedding" to my objects and money mean more than us , you and the dog home life we shared ?

[Dobie]

hard day today i blocked her on fb but a lot of our mutal friends and family are still on her fb anyway found out and this is the third picture she has put up since the bu of her out with her gfs in bars and clubs ... She knows my family are on her fb but its the fact she had destroyed a six year relationship in the cruelest way to go out to bars like i ever stoped her ! I don't know what's worse the thought of her leaving me for another guy or just for the single lifestyle ...

 

the crazy thing is she used to not even be into bars and clubs . I suppose she just wants to socialize more and have more fun , i don't know why she felt us or fun were mutually exclusive ....felt like throwing up i nearly walked out of work i felt so **** . To think i loved her and this is what she choose over us .

[Quest]

Family are great esp my bro im lucky .

 

Just can't understand how she has become so cold , unfeeling and hard toward me that I think is what's driving me nuts quest .

 

She was softer in the first week , I guess as time wore on her family, friends and her own mind just started to justify and disconnect from me and the last 6 years I mean does a mentally healthy person go from "I love you , let's plan a wedding" to my objects and money mean more than us , you and the dog home life we shared ?

 

She's certainly not being at all sensitive to your feelings, with the FB pics and so on. But my guess is some of it is probably bravado - trying to tell herself and everyone else she's great and done the right thing. You just have to really disconnect from that sort of stuff ... don't follow her on FB, even through other people. Think you can also change settings so you don't get certain people's info coming up on your page. Know that feeling of just wanting to get away from work - it's a lot to deal with. But work helps too - just the routine of it and having some time each day when you are forced to think of other things. Now's a good time to really think about what you'd like to do. If you don't like your job or want a better paid one, get busy applying. Job applications take forever so a good way to take your mind off everything.

[Dobie]

quest her whole attitude has been petty and childish . I regret the first week after we broker her saying she didn't want to see me as she knew she would come back i should have stormed round to her sisters and told her i don't want this but i acted full of pride , telling her it was for the best i even officially ended it on the Friday by sending her a fb msg to tell her it was over ... Maybe if id got to her that first week before she surrounded herself with family and friends i could have reversed this

[Quest]

quest her whole attitude has been petty and childish . I regret the first week after we broker her saying she didn't want to see me as she knew she would come back i should have stormed round to her sisters and told her i don't want this but i acted full of pride , telling her it was for the best i even officially ended it on the Friday by sending her a fb msg to tell her it was over ... Maybe if id got to her that first week before she surrounded herself with family and friends i could have reversed this

 

You did what you felt at the time. Sorry, a bit confused. Was it her who ended it? That's my understanding. Do you think she wanted you to put up a fight?