After 6 years fiancé calls off wedding (update)

[Dobie]

Dobie,

I'm glad you put the word sudden in quotes, because the truth is, it wasn't a sudden decision for her. She has been working up to this break up for a very long time, and you are correct that she didn't pull the plug entirely (the trip to Spain was her final preparatory step) until *she* was ready. It was as though she was getting ready, step by step, building up one reason after another, to end the relationship.

 

This is what some people do, it's more common than you'd ever believe, but there are entire web forums dedicated to this type of behavior and the patterns of behavior that typify the lack of empathy and the ability to practically erase a relationship and a person in a matter of a day, let alone a couple of months.

 

 

This is why you are left picking up the pieces with such pain and torment, because you had no advance warning, whilst she was preparing for what could have been as much as a year. I don't want to hurt you, but what you're struggling with along with heartbreak from dealing with the loss of a r/l and future with someone you loved, but it's questionable how long ago she began to detach and was living a lie.

 

 

I used to post here quite a bit and was in a thread with a guy that went through a very similar situation as you are now. He was in such pain, it was palpable. His GF was very insecure, had had many short-term relationships, but since she was very pretty, had no trouble finding a BF. This guy was her first long-term relationship and she was on new territory. Was this your GF's first real long-term serious relationship?

 

 

Anyhow, when his GF pulled the plug, it was right at the time when he wanted to buy her an engagement ring that he had been saving for. Up until then, she was "all in" with regard to planning a life, a wedding, and looking at rings ... but when he wanted to solidify the engagement with a ring, she ran. It was as though she had been play-acting the entire time, which of course, this guy could not even begin to fathom.

 

 

All this to say, your GF sounds like a true headcase, but sadly for you, love is blind, and you over looked many of the troubling aspects of her personality for such a long time, that as you said earlier in the thread, you got into a "comfortable rut" and you "normalized" or institutionalized the dysfunction, if you see what I mean. ALL relationships require compromises, but one-side does not a compromise make.

 

I am sorry to say this, but she did not seem to respect you, and seemed also to possess very traditional values re: the fact you did not make as much money as she did, and that you were "okay" with your job, and did not have much zeal to create more of a career for yourself. This would not bother many women, but it certainly bothered your ex-GF and to be frank, it was a red flag you ignored for a long time from the sound of it.

 

 

There is also a tendency for many people on this forum to drag out relationships like there is no sense of urgency in life. There is. If you are planning a life and a future with someone, you both should be tripping over each other to either get married, or have a true life together without marriage, a true commitment, with similar values, comfort, and support. But if you have both wanted marriage, then a 6-year r/l is just too long to be on the fence. That's not an "engagement" any more. People get engaged as a prelude to marriage, not as a prelude to continue living together indefinitely. When two people are not completely delirious over the thought of marrying each other, wanting to plan a life together, then there is something "off" IMO. If the r/l is stale even before the marriage takes place, then no ring ceremony is going to fix it.

 

 

Sorry for your pain and that you have the double whammy where you can see that your ex is seemingly walking away completely at ease with her decision and her life. Please remember: this wasn't sudden, not in the least. She is "fine" now because she waited until she was ready and had built up a case against you in her mind, with no turning back. I could say you are lucky to be rid of her, she's not the one for you, but I know that's too simplistic. It hurts to know it was all about her from day one, so in the future, see the red flags and confront them. You've had breakups in the past that did not cause you this depth of pain and disruption, and that should give you a big clue that being with your ex was not your destiny. Take care.

 

 

Yes thank you for your kind words I agree , she was using me till she felt the timing was right building up a case bit by bit the crazy thing is her insistence in the last few months to go ahead with the wedding , looking at venues writing guest lists etc

 

The question is was this a factor of bdp or is she just a nasty piece of work ?

 

Thinking back after the BU she said she fell out of love with me a year or so ago (then denied saying this and accused me of making it up)

 

Looking back last few months she seemed more indifferent as well , she also said I can't remember when? " but if I left her she would be devastated but would want me to be happy " .

 

She told me I shouldn't be surprised either as she "always had her doubts"

 

Again its black / white with her one minute ive always felt we are meant to be next do we make each other happy, I'd kill myself if something happens to you yadda yadda yadda .

 

All her personality "quirks" point towards some sort of personality disorder . She is not a stable person .

 

The way she went out and the timing with no empathy or concern almost blaming me (typically as everything is always my fault) and thinking she has done nothing wrong with her only concern in ending a 6 year relationship is how much money she spent is not normal functional behaviour .

 

At no point in our relationship did she ever think she had done anything wrong, all compromises all change must always come from me (another sign of a disordered personality)

 

At no stage in our relationship did she feel any responsibility for her own happiness it was either other peoples / circumstances fault she was not happy or mine to make her happy .

 

 

Have you got a link to those forums you mention ?

Edited December 3, 2014 by Dobie

[jbear0111]

Graceful,i would like a link to the forums you mention too.

 

My relationship and break up went along similar lines and although not blind to what was happening i was very much in love with her and thought we could work it out.Dobie,like you there were no compromises on her side despite at the outset her telling me different then changing the goalposts.

 

The pressure to do what she wanted for me to be with her was relentless and pushed me to the verge of a breakdown.i knew we were toxic but because she was so loving at times i couldnt walk away.

 

I am sure time will heal but boy the pain is unbearable at times.

[Dobie]

i feel and hear you jbear

 

its hard to know what to do when your heart and head are all over the shop . I cant help thinking i let her get away when we spoke she said she would have stayed for another year or two but i didn't pursue i went cold or understanding. The thing is I've been doing some deep thinking and the truth of the matter is its very hard to keep someone like her on the hook i was her longest and deepest relationship previous one was 3 years . When you are dealing with someone who is constantly scanning everything for the reason they are unhappy but never looking at themselves there comes a time you realise you are fighting a losing battle .

 

sure i could have made more effort on the work front, yes i should have slept next to her more (she used to kick me out for snorring) so last year or so i liked the spare bedroom ,yes i could have been more pro - active in areas but when you have someone like our x-s who expect you to do all the work 90% of the time its a losing battle . I think even if i had done all those things there would have been something else not right .

 

if someone is never content its imposible for you to bring them peace . Funny thing in september she thought she was pregnant and felt happy then releaved when she wasent . That gives you an indication of her psychology i.e uncertainty .i know she is probably miserable now or will be soon when the glamour if the single life wears off or her new BF starts to disapoint . Seeing how angry and ruthless she is post BU in lucky we didn't have kids or a house in our names she would have probably made me homeless and stopped ne seeing them !!!

 

i spent years with her for the wrong reasons i loved her but in not sure if i was ever "in love with her" i settled because she appeared to be devoted , sexy and inteligent maybe that's what she picked up on in fact i think it is. she rejected me because she knew deep down i didn't want her for the reasons she wanted me to .

 

i stayed because i was secure and insecure but did her personality suit me hell no ... We had good times and i felt safe and comfortable around her but at the same time she exhausted me , she wore me out she irritated and stressed me and that's not healthy .

Edited December 4, 2014 by Dobie

[jbear0111]

Dobie,everything you say resonates with me even to the point of a pregnancy claim in september.i bought a test and turned out negative and her 1st words to me were"what would you have done if i was pregnant?"

 

she continuously tested me like that,pushing me to see how i would react to the point where id go along with whatever she thought best.Her mum told me she had always been like that in relationships and family, pushing and pushing,always playing the victim when things didnt go her way.

 

Like you too,my family said to get out some time ago as they could see the stress it was having on me.I have an 8 year old girl who i have regularly and the ex has a 6 year old girl who lives with her and to whom i was creating a bond as i was at hers more.They got on fine but i started to notice how sometimes my ex would be critical of my daughter and the 1st xmas we had together she commented that she felt her daughter would feel left out as she wasnt getting as good as presents as mine,she further went onto say that she'd feel this would continue when we married and lived together( her daughters dad doesnt do alot or get involved too much) whereas im hands on with my girl snd see her as much as i can.

 

i knew that was a red flag but i reassured her id support her daughter as much as i could and within the circumstances.

 

Nothing i did ever seemed to be enough for her

[elaine567]

I can see you have put a lot of effort into analysing your ex but what does it matter? You might as well be analysing Beyonce for all the good it will do you now.

She was a complex personality and you were not compatible as a couple.

She is not to blame and neither are you.

She took the initiative, she knew it wasn't working, and she eventually decided to leave, as she has every right to do. Engaged or not.

That is exactly how people act when they are unhappy or think things are not going to end well.

She stopped the wedding merry go round just in time, on hindsight she could have done it sooner, but she was obviously undecided and torn between doing the right thing and going along with her pledge to marry you.

 

Many people once they decide to split, act like they do not care, they become business like, they appear cold and hard and that I guess is the only way they can cope. Splitting is always difficult for both parties in LTRs, whether they show it or not.

[Dobie]

elaine,

 

she is to blame not for her feelings changing although after 6 years you would expect her to at least give us a chance .

 

but for her total c***t attitude post bu towards me ! I didn't cheat or abuse her she has no excuse for her post BU behaviour .

[elaine567]

elaine,

 

she is to blame not for her feelings changing although after 6 years you would expect her to at least give us a chance .

 

but for her total c***t attitude post bu towards me ! I didn't cheat or abuse her she has no excuse for her post BU behaviour .

 

She is distancing herself completely from you as that is the only way she can do it, otherwise if she was nice and you had nice talks, then she knows she may succumb and find herself back with you.

Her head is telling her that is not what she really wants to do, so by being cold and unfeeling, she makes sure that a reconciliation never happens and you do not get the wrong idea either.

[Dobie]

That makes no sense so by distancing herself in her head she can let go of her heart ?

 

Although she did say to me early on she knew if she saw me she would probably come back for a year or two (again my bro thinks this is just part of her act and manipulative behaviour)

 

 

Why would anyone with no heart succumb anyway ?

 

So by ruining my birthday , not apologising for anything , blaming me for all our problems , taking everything out of the house, not giving a damm about my feelings or the dog I had to rehome or the mess she left me, charging me for an a/v cabinet in its her way of trying not to care?

 

Sounds a bit like I hit her so she leaves me logic .

 

She also wants to be friends so how does that equate to her I'm out of her life logic .

 

She genuinely thinks she is a nice person and is doing the right thing (so nothing new there ) she is worried people I.e my family will think she is a bad person ..

 

Her words "I'm not a bad person , how else could I have broken up with you".

 

 

And lets say you are correct whats the solution understand and accept it and let her worry wart head destroy our love?

 

Or what's more likely is she is selfish she has had her fill I'm no longer needed.

 

She wants the next thing that can make her " happy " new guy single life whatever .

Edited December 4, 2014 by Dobie

[Graceful]

Graceful,i would like a link to the forums you mention too.

 

My relationship and break up went along similar lines and although not blind to what was happening i was very much in love with her and thought we could work it out.Dobie,like you there were no compromises on her side despite at the outset her telling me different then changing the goalposts.

 

The pressure to do what she wanted for me to be with her was relentless and pushed me to the verge of a breakdown.i knew we were toxic but because she was so loving at times i couldnt walk away.

 

I am sure time will heal but boy the pain is unbearable at times.

 

 

Hi jbear (and Dobie),

I'm not sure if we're allowed to post links to other forums here, and I don't want to take any chances. You can try googling personality disorders and forums and some combinations, and you'll probably come up with some choices. The reason I mentioned this was to point out how pervasive this issue is and how many people are plagued in a similar way.

 

 

Even though I agree with "Elaine" to a certain extent that it's not a good idea to dwell on what's wrong with your ex, and to psychoanalyze her for a long period of time, I do think it's a normal and natural response when you are blind-sided by a breakup, and when it's still only been a matter of a few months, especially when you come to terms with the idea the person may have been sending mixed messages for a long time.

 

 

I do have to agree, Dobie, that there is a tendency with this type of personality, that does not ever want to be viewed as a 'bad' person or a villain in any way. This is because it's always about them, and instead of having a clear conscience about how they operate, they still need to check in and insist they did nothing wrong, and seek validation. Absolutely nothing about you, it's always about them.

[Dobie]

 

 

I do have to agree, Dobie, that there is a tendency with this type of personality, that does not ever want to be viewed as a 'bad' person or a villain in any way. This is because it's always about them, and instead of having a clear conscience about how they operate, they still need to check in and insist they did nothing wrong, and seek validation. Absolutely nothing about you, it's always about them.

 

Are you talking about bdp?

[Downtown]

All her personality "quirks" point towards some sort of personality disorder. She is not a stable person.

Of the ten personality disorders, only one of them -- BPD -- has "instability" as a defining trait that is used in the diagnostic process. All of the other PDs typically describe stable people. Narcissists and sociopaths, for example, will treat you badly but will do so in a predictable and stable manner (e.g., whenever you disagree with them).

 

She rejected me because she knew deep down i didn't want her for the reasons she wanted me to.

I doubt that was the reason, Dobie. If she is a BPDer, she cannot believe you truly love her until she first learns how to love herself. A BPDer, being convinced she is unlovable, cannot believe you love her -- no matter WHAT your reasons for loving her are. Granted, she may believe that you THINK you love her at the moment. Her great fear, however, is that your love will quickly be lost as soon as you discover how empty she is inside. In this way, a BPDer always lives in fear of your discovering that the "self image" she projects is actually a false self image.

 

Unlike narcissists, BPDers are in touch with their real selves enough to realize that something is wrong inside and to know that the self-image they project is fake. In contrast, narcissists are so completely out of touch with their real selves that they mistakenly believe their false self images (which they project to others) is real. Oddly, it seems to be that difference which makes the BPDers unstable and the narcissists stable. That is, being completely out of touch with the real self seems to have a stabilizing effect on the narcissists.

[Dobie]

Its not that she was always asking if I love her (though there were moments) but she said something funny a few times ... When I told her you know how much I love you she said "I know other people have told me"

 

Her flippant attitude post BU ... "Your only upset because of the $ and you will be fine when you meet someone else" points towards her inability to see the emotional fall out for me losing her . Although in the first week she seemed more concerned how I was and the impact on me but it was always typically like this

 

" I'm sorry I've hurt you , I know its rich coming from me but I'm upset as well"

 

Again its all about her ^^^

 

She has always distrusted my love for her albiet mildly .

 

She fits a hell of a lot of the traits of the PPD as well.

 

Like I said I don't think she is a true bdp rather she has a lot of traits of the bdp and PPD type . (i realise its a scale)

 

Is there any links/examples to how a bdp's engulfment fear typically plays out?

Edited December 5, 2014 by Dobie

[Dobie]

Broke NC to text my x I wanted the family photos back and the key to the house , in exchange for her laptop (no answer from the nasty c**t)

 

Got a call from the people I rehomed my dog with and he was put down at 9.31pm tonight apparently he kept throwing up and the vet found he had inoperable liver cancer

 

Anything else god!!?!!!

 

Seriously FMl

[Dobie]

I sent her this text this morning

 

 

" I got a call from ***** new owners he was taken into surgery last night where he passed away he had liver cancer and over 5kg of fluid in his abdomen . They are going to say goodbye to him tommorow at the vets before he is cremated (if you want to say your goodbyes) so that's my little family destroyed now the two "people" I loved the most and would have done anything for gone .

 

 

No reply, I'm sure she won't but she needs to understand what she has done not just to me but to ***** as well . He should have spent his last month with "us" not strangers .

[Itspointless]

Got a call from the people I rehomed my dog with and he was put down at 9.31pm tonight apparently he kept throwing up and the vet found he had inoperable liver cancer

 

Anything else god!!?!!!

I am really sorry to hear this. Sometimes many things come at once in life, but life wont be always like this. Beautiful things will come for you again.

[Dobie]

Thank you bro

 

I just want her to feel something like a normal human if not for me for the dog we had since a pup .

 

I just can't fathom her sociopathic behaviour .

Edited December 6, 2014 by Dobie

[elaine567]

Her words "I'm not a bad person , how else could I have broken up with you".

 

That is a very good question and one you should consider.

 

There was never going to be a good time. Never going to be a good way.

She decided she was unhappy and she decided to do something about it. You can put twenty labels on her, but that will solve nothing.

You need to work on yourself not dwell on her, as you will ever really find out why she decide to BU with you.

You and we can surmise and ponder on that all day, but the fact is she made a decision and she left.

It is you, that is now the most important person in your life. Look after you.

[BC1980]

Thank you bro

 

I just want her to feel something like a normal human if not for me for the dog we had since a pup .

 

I just can't fathom her sociopathic behaviour .

 

After a breakup, most dumpers do act cold. I think they don't want to give you any false hope for one. Two, it's just so awkward to know how to act around someone after a breakup. Most people try to avoid any infraction at all.

[Dobie]

No like I said I asked for my family photos back no answer , she is a very controlling person . she wants things on her terms at all times .

 

When she is ready I can have my photos back, when she is ready she will contact me that's her .

 

Dogs dead o well ...not her problem she wanted me to get rid of him years ago .

 

I don't know what I was hoping for , she is and always has been a selfish self serving person

[Itspointless]

Thank you bro

 

I just want her to feel something like a normal human if not for me for the dog we had since a pup .

 

I just can't fathom her sociopathic behaviour .

I have learnt that some things in life we never will and can understand. Yes we can learn about them cognitively but actually feeling it connect to our bodies -you know that feeling that something really sinks in and literally gives air - no. Luckily our minds work in such a way that also the things that we really can't make any sense of become integrated in our life-story and become normalized. It is something that actually is granted us. With time our minds also focus more on the positives. Having a good memory doesn't always help though.

 

It is important to remember that partners always change history a bit -just as we do - to make things right for them. Do not take it personal, as it isn't. This is all about them.

 

Last year I had the feeling my life finally began, it turned out to be one of my worst years where I had to face old pain again. I have learnt a lot, but I rather have had this simple kind of happiness for once, where life seems to be smiling at you at a really uncomplicated way. I try to remember myself the grass always seems to be greener with others.

[Downtown]

Dobie, I'm so sorry you have lost the dog you had been caring for since he was just a pup. It is especially sad you were unable to be with him during the last month of his life.

[Dobie]

thank you downtown and thank you for all the info you have given me on bdp id like to email or pm you if i may ...

 

but in your opinion from everything i have described does it sound to you she has strong PD traits ?

[Dobie]

her response

 

im really sorry to hear that hope your ok xx

[Quest]

So sorry you've lost your dog, Dobie. You really have been hit hard. The sun really will come out again ... I know it's hard to believe right now, but it does, even after all you've been through.

[Downtown]

does it sound to you she has strong PD traits?

Dobie, as I said earlier, I cannot know whether she has strong or persistent BPD traits because I've never met the lady. I nonetheless can tell you four things, based on my experience. First, I can tell you that many of the behaviors you describe are classic warning signs for BPD. That means those behaviors are on the diagnostic list.

 

Second, I can tell you that, although you cannot diagnose your W (i.e., cannot determine whether she has full-blown BPD), you are able to spot any strong BPD traits that are occurring if you take a little time to learn what behaviors to look out for. There is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and always being "The Victim." You are the best judge of what behaviors you've been seeing for six years.

 

Third, I can tell you that -- due to pressure from the courts and insurance companies -- the diagnostic threshold for "having BPD" has been set so high that it simply doesn't matter to YOU whether your W's BPD traits are that severe. A wife satisfying 80% or 90% of those diagnostic criteria (and thus "not having BPD") would be nearly as impossible to live with as one satisfying 100% (and thus "having BPD"). From your point of view, then, the relevant issue is whether she "has strong BPD traits," not whether she has the full-blown disorder.

 

Fourth, I can tell you that, because we all exhibit PD traits to some degree, we are very familiar with them and know what they look and feel like. This is why, before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur.

 

id like to email or pm you if i may.

Sure, Dobie, feel free to PM me as soon as you have PM privileges. I'm sure you've already satisfied the minimum-number-of-posts requirement. But you may have a week or two to go before satisfying the minimum time requirement. I say this because I'm not yet able to PM you. Perhaps you have to be a member for a month or two before you can send PMs.