Author Dobie Posted December 11, 2014 Author Share Posted December 11, 2014 Away on business with work , first time in a hotel without her since the BU to top it off I'm staying in an area we went together last year for my bday really struggling at the moment hurt like crazy still can't believe she has turned on me like this So want to text her ...how ,why , how long? Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Don't text her. A lot of things are going to hurt for awhile and bring back memories. Feel the pain, but do not dwell on it. The healing process will take time, I can relate, I was in very similar situation with a very similar woman. I assure you things will get better, especially if you keep NC. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Away on business with work , first time in a hotel without her since the BU to top it off I'm staying in an area we went together last year for my bday really struggling at the moment hurt like crazy still can't believe she has turned on me like this So want to text her ...how ,why , how long? What FortunateSon said. Even if you got answers they are probably nothing you can work with. The one with strong bpd traits who broke up with me years ago seriously altered history. When I called her on it she was very surprised as she had suppressed the good things and even had to admit it to me when I called her upon it. Did it make any change in her decision that I wasn't that awful as she told herself and everybody who wanted to hear. No man, it didn't change anything. You know I am seriously happy she is out of my life. I reconnected on Facebook years after and that is more than enough to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 11, 2014 Author Share Posted December 11, 2014 (edited) but what if im wrong guys what if she does not have strong bdp/npd traits ? What if i could somehow make her feel like she used to, when "she knew we were meant to be" " i would kill myself if something happened to you" all said weeks before the BU when "she couldent wait to marry me" "when she thought i was the most amazing, clever , sexy , funny , wonderful man she had ever met ?? before she just spent months looking for reasons "we are not meant to be i feel it in my gut" . And I've never been happy although i had moments of intense happiness blah blah i miss her , i feel im just exsisting day to day trying to get through Edited December 11, 2014 by Dobie Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 but what if im wrong guys what if she does not have strong bdp/npd traits ? What if i could somehow make her feel like she used to, when "she knew we were meant to be" " i would kill myself if something happened to you" all said weeks before the BU when "she couldent wait to marry me" "when she thought i was the most amazing, clever , sexy , funny , wonderful man she had ever met ?? before she just spent months looking for reasons "we are not meant to be i feel it in my gut" . And I've never been happy although i had moments of intense happiness blah blah i miss her , i feel im just exsisting day to day trying to get through I think I have to quote the Thomas theorem here: 'If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences.' It does not matter what we do or say. If people have a certain view and have come to a conclusion than their is nothing we can do or say. Her actions are living proof of it. It has nothing to do with bpd, this is just how humans are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 It will take time, but you will get to a better place! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I just don't see how she is going to learn from this though? She feels/thinks she is justified She is happy (or she would have reached out to me ) and has moved on . I've been thinking about her past relationships and the only time she was upset was one BF she had for 6 months when he left her for his X - GF and that was because at the time she was having some other problems in her life . All her other BFs she has dumped usually for another guy and shown zero remorse . But, here's the thing. She's probably friendly with her Ex-BF's or at least discovered that they are no longer mad at her actions. She's swinging from guy to guy and, to be honest, she'll end up being a very lonely and bitter person because she never truly experienced a healthy and nurturing relationship. And even if she's the type of person that never learns that her actions hurt people; well, is that the type of person you want in your life? Trust me, sooner or later karma is going to bite her in the ass. She's going to truly fall for someone and they're going to screw her over but good! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 11, 2014 Author Share Posted December 11, 2014 But, here's the thing. She's probably friendly with her Ex-BF's or at least discovered that they are no longer mad at her actions. She's swinging from guy to guy and, to be honest, she'll end up being a very lonely and bitter person because she never truly experienced a healthy and nurturing relationship. And even if she's the type of person that never learns that her actions hurt people; well, is that the type of person you want in your life? Trust me, sooner or later karma is going to bite her in the ass. She's going to truly fall for someone and they're going to screw her over but good! I was her longest and most serious relationship and if she is to be believed her "one" Christ she was even telling me weeks before the BU she wished she had never slept with any of her x - bfs Link to post Share on other sites
FortunateSon Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 BPD traits or not, you still need to move forward and heal in the same way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 i never told her from the moment she dropped her bombshell that i love her . is it too late ? this is what i was thinking of saying " you painted me/us black , sat there thinking of all the reasons "we aren't meant to be" maybe even kissed someone else just to see if you could . But you forgot about all the reasons i love you and you loved me , you never trusted me or us not even to give us a chance but even after the BU i never did what you feared , i never left , never cheated , never screwed you over for $$ or let you down . I kept every promise i made even the one that i still keep which is to love u , not for anything in return but because i just do . So go now fly into this new life or new guy , see if it was really me or us that was the problem see if his love is better or the new distractions can make you happy and at peace . Throw me into the arms of other women and make me forget you , destroy everything so there's no coming back and listen to everyone but me telling you what you want or need to hear to justify this . You had everything you just couldent see it for the trees . A good job , a home , friends , family and a good man who doted on you honest and true never waivering for a second in his love and promise to take care of you till his last day his last breath who put you above all others who saw your happiness as his hapiness . Who let u go from a position of strength not weakness because to truly love is to want the other person to be happy . Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 is it too late ? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! It is too late! this is what i was thinking of saying Nooooooooo!!!!!!! Don't say ANYTHING. Ever again. You broke up for a reason! Again - as I asked several pages ago on page 12 - why, after all these pages, are you second-guessing the decision you KNOW was the right one? Here we are on Page 18 and nothing has changed?!?!? Link to post Share on other sites
lauri Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Don't you dare sending anything to her man. I'd be so disappointed if you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 ok ok i wont say anything just needed some tough love thanks i didn't break up with her Carrie - T she left me i cant help still loving her and missing her i wish i was like good she is gone yay!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Have you not been through a breakup before? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 Have you not been through a breakup before? Last time I was dumped I was 21 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 13, 2014 Author Share Posted December 13, 2014 friends and family all blocked her on fb .. She doesent get to think people condone her actions . Let her feel me taking back the power for a change ... Hard as it is need to keep walking . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 15, 2014 Author Share Posted December 15, 2014 one week since NC via txt and three weeks since we spoke about her getting stuff from the house . life is **** . In sure she is dating again , its been 10 weeks for me but for her probably like 6 months if she is bdp. not an ounce of care , or comppasion has she shown no random "i feel bad hope your ok" or hey how are you ?? Nothing .... 6 Damm years !!! A wedding next year , a home together our dog dead and she walks like im a piece of gum she threw away . God damm evil evil bitch !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 Text me today "Hi can u change your dads phone contract (it was part of her plan) but I was sending the money to her account every month . he is disabled and relies on his phone . as I am changing my phone contract . Shaking .....no how are u nothing just cold , business like. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Text me today ...Shaking .....no how are u nothing just cold , business like. I know this is hard for you, but she is now just tidying up loose ends. It is now strictly business, between the two of you, you have to start thinking in the same way. The relationship is over, she cannot afford to get maudlin or involved, she needs to protect herself. She is not leading you on, she is not giving you false hope. She made that difficult decision to leave you and she is just sticking to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 (edited) please stop making excuses for her it was easy as hell for her need i remind u she was only complaining ever about the extra travel and expense the BU cost her . Never about me or her ir the dead dog. This is her attempt at control changing her number so i cant contact her . this is typicall of her controlling behaviours ...she has now decided to "not be friends" unless she chooses at some future date . she also has files of my bank and financial details as well as all my family photos that i have repeatedly asked her back i have her broken laptop which i wish to give her she is ignoring any request i make to xchange ...she is deeply paranoid hence why she took my photos and paperwork Edited December 16, 2014 by Dobie Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 This is her attempt at control changing her number so i cant contact her . Why would you want to contact her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 i don't i was just hoping she would reach out at some point as she said for a coffee maybe an explination or appology . Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 this is typicall of her controlling behaviours ...she has now decided to "not be friends" unless she chooses at some future date . There is absolutely NO WAY you two can ever be friends. Too much has happened so she is doing the right thing by not trying to be your friend. Don't wish to ever be friends with her or you will be setting yourself up for disappointment. Don't look for closure from her because she cannot give it to you. It has to come from within. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoThatHappened Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Dobie, As someone who was completely blindsided by a woman with strong BPD traits, I can honestly tell you that through NC (absolute NC) you will get better. Granted I wasn't engaged, but I was very much "in love" and infatuated when she strayed on me. Didn't even have time to get to the stage where the honeymoon period wears off. I wasn't devastated, but it was the worst pain I've ever gone through. Like most breakups when you're the one who was dumped, it's going to get worse before it starts getting better. My ex exhibited every warning sign that Downtown listed here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/419416-ran-into-my-ex-bar-8-months-later-interesting-story#post5164075 Every single one. I could write a novel on the things I witnessed but overlooked. When I got blindsided I found this forum and it saved my bacon. It's good you've found it as well. The biggest thing I've learned is that whether or not my ex is able to be diagnosed as having a PD... it doesn't matter. At first it helps to be able to put a tag on the reasons someone does the things they do. You think, "There HAS to be something wrong with them and I'm justified in finding out that it's (insert PD here)." However, with time, you'll realize that it doesn't matter. I 100% believe my ex has BPD (and possibly a host of other issues), so I'm not discounting the possibility of BPD at all. Just saying that after NC and self-improvement, it will be a thing of your past. When someone displays traits like that, best bet is to run. You're now much better equipped to recognize these traits in the future. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Why do these women have to have some sort of medical disorder to justify their actions? No one gives labels like this to men they just call them jerks. That is basically all that is wrong with your fiance, she's a fickle jerk who only cares about what is best for her. The sooner you look at her as such instead of having some medical disorder (NOT) the better off you will be. There is no excuse for her behavior. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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