After 6 years fiancé calls off wedding (update)

[Diezel]

Might be time for you to leave these forums for this situation and join a specific BPD forum.

 

You are never going to understand this situation and a lot of other people will never understand it either.

 

You are best trying to NC as hardcore as possible.

[Bliss25]

Hi Dobie,

 

I am really sorry for you. I have read your posts and it is scary how I am going through almost the exact same thing. Read my story if it will help!

 

Stay strong!

[Dobie]

I'm starting to miss her a little less which is good ...

 

I'm also trying to remember all the cold things she did..

 

For example one time I was in agony with a head cold / fever / chest infection it was like a jack hammer to my skull and she got annoyed with me because I vocalised my pain too much and even made me walk the dog with a temperature .

 

Another time I was in tears and distraught over a family matter and got emotional after drinking and in front of her and my bro. And she accused me of "putting it on" .

 

She used to get angry/annoyed if I was ever more than 5-10 minutes late to pick her up from work (bdp trait)

 

If a friend didn't text back or was busy to do something 90% of the time she would get angry

And devalue and or threaten to cut that person out of her life to me (bdp trait)

 

She would get extremely upset by the above and I would have to explain perhaps they are just busy , tired or not sure of plans ..battery on phone is dead etc ..

 

I've been reading more about bdp/NPD and if she does have those traits I also need to look at why I allowed myself to put up with her I.e I have to accept responsibility as an enabler and also look at why I have such a need to be needed I'm willing to put up with at the very least a high maintance biatch when other men would have kicked her to the curb .

My father nearly died last xmass and we had booked a holiday a few months later and I remember her crying saying I know I'm selfish but I'm worried he will get I'll again and ruin it

 

 

Gas lighting did this post BU as well (bdp)

 

Funny she was never really comforting .. It was a sort of five minute thing with her yet she expected me to be there 24/7 she used to moan about her problems for hours and if I looked away or quickly went to do something else she accused me of not caring .(bdp)

 

In fact for the last few damm years all I have been doing is caring and all she has been doing is moaning and complaining and being negative and or exhausting and selfish

Edited December 18, 2014 by Dobie

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Dobie,

 

I have been reading your post mainly because I understand to what you are going through. I also believe that my ex may have had BPD because she has shown so many traits over the years and I can relate to so many stories on here and other sites on this matter.

 

The most important thing you can do is to get your ex off the pedestal and start concentrating on yourself. Remember all the cold, selfish things she did and ask yourself is that right in a healthy relationship? Once you realise that you deserve to be treated better and with more respect, ask yourself another question. Why did you allow yourself to be treated like this?

 

Be honest with yourself. It may not be easy to accept and maybe painful. You may get angry and frustrated. But give yourself time. Don't be afraid to talk to friends or relatives or even a therapist.

 

It does get better.... Just be patient...

[Dobie]

Thanks I'm looking forward to getting into therapy in the NY I read something interesting about bdpers yesterday and thats when the infatuation stage wears off they are incapable of progressing to the next normal stage in a healthy loving relationship and the resentment begins .

 

I was either the most amazing man in the world or I'm bored of you goodbye and its all your fault I'm sad /unhappy etc

 

Its like there love for you is all about them , once that buzz and intensity wears off they need to find the next "hit" or they start to feel something is wrong ...

 

Its like there feelings are a pendulum that swings from intense "love" to emptyness

 

The more I think and write and remember and talk to family the more I can see just how abnormal she is ..

 

Even her language post BU is a warning sign .

 

"There were MOMENTS you made me EXTREMELY happy"

 

Its like loving a child omg I love u soooo much because I feel these intense emotions , wait a minute they are not there all the time something is wrong I don't trust you , I'm upset soothe me

 

Even post BU her behaviours as well as being extremely callous are very child like

 

Posting pictures of her in short skirts / low cut tops etc so I can see on social media (blocked her now)

 

Dating I think a guy much younger than her in a rock band (this is her new thing now)

 

Charging me for an a/v cabinet she knows I love my a/v equipment its spiteful

 

Taking things from the house that cost pennies

 

Leaving presents I bought her that have sentimental value

 

Its all the actions of an angry frustrated child not a women nearing 30

Edited December 19, 2014 by Dobie

[Dobie]

something else came to my mind i would tell her i love her and she would say the same but when it was more conversational i.e you know how much i love you ...she would say yes people have told me (bdp)

[Dobie]

after the way i was discarded by my ex I've become increasingly angry by her behaviours and lack of remorse post BU .... The women has strong PD traits and the fact i cant get her to feel bad or guilty is driving me nuts !!!

 

sometimes my anger is so bad i feel like i will faint or stroke out ... I feel a great sense of hurt and injustice , and want her to suffer ...

 

at the same time i know i am in the throws of depression and for me that = angry dobie .

 

everyone says just forget her and move on have revenge by living a good life ..but for me i feel i need either her to hurt or her to ackowledge the destruction and misery she has caused .

 

thoughts?

[Elle1975]

Is it the same woman you were engaged to?

 

If that's her, I read your post, and clearly there was major problems in your relationship, no intimacy, and constant arguing over money.

 

I would think you are better off without her in the long run, since you really don't seem compatible.

[Dobie]

its her behaviour/s towards me that are making me rage .... Not upset about her being gone .

 

she is a vile creature who deserves to be miserable for the way she treated the man who loved her and was there for her 24/7

 

she is either bdp or a cheater or a selfish manipulator or maybe all the above who used me for years till she felt ready to leave . She has no excuse for her disgusting selfish nasty actions . I only hope for mysake she does have a PD as i can at least take comfort in the fact she is disturbed .

[elaine567]

As long as you hold onto the past, you are never going to get over this break up.

Face it, you cannot make another feel something they don't feel, you loved her, she didn't love you, she left.

YOU can make her out to be the worst woman in the world, you can analyse every detail of your time together and deduce that it was all a sham, if you want.

BUT where does that leave YOU?

 

She stuck the knife into you, of that there is no doubt, but you are turning and twisting it inside you, so that it does the maximum damage. Remove that knife and let the wound heal.

 

Are going to therapy, have you seen a doctor, if not I suggest you do both.

[d0nnivain]

You can't take revenge on her. It's probably illegal & it's certainly not healthy.

 

 

She's never going to understand the pain & misery she caused you. If she cared enough to be empathetic, you two might still be together.

 

 

Your friends who are telling you that living well is the best revenge are correct. Listen to them.

 

 

Do something to vent your anger but you have to get it out before it poisons you. If you still have something of hers like a shirt, destroy it. Sit there & rip or cut it up. One of my favorite healing rituals involves angry anti-love songs like Love Stinks & a dart board. You affix their picture to the dart board, blast the music & throw darts until you obliterate their face. I found it very therapeutic. Just don't try something like that in real life. No throwing darts at people.

[dyna85]

I know it's not much consolation, but anger is part of the healing process, so at least there's that... you're moving through at least one stage of grief/loss, which is normal. Just feel the emotion, as it's part of your journey to acceptance. Write it out, exercise, or just vent to a friend. You can do something to express the anger in a healthy way. I know it sucks, but you gotta keep going through the emotions. Can't just pick and choose how you feel. You feel how you feel for a reason.

 

Just remember: 'The only way out is through...'

[Jimmyjackson]

I was at the anger stage for about a month, just ride it out it goes away..trust me.

[KBarletta]

I was at the anger stage for about a month, just ride it out it goes away..trust me.

 

^^ Yep.

 

There is always going to be anger when you believe you've been treated unfairly. The key is to express it, get it out in a healthy way, then move on from it, not to hold onto it because it will rule your life if you let it. Why would you want someone else's selfish actions to ruin your chance to be happy?

 

If you believe in Karma, then her behavior will catch up to her at some point. And when that happens, let's hope you are somewhere else, with someone else, with a smile on your face.

[Chi townD]

I agree, you're at the anger stage and even though you hate it. It's part of the healing process. You need to continue with NC and to continue to make positive changes in your life.

 

 

You're gonna get through this.

[Dobie]

I wish I just knew the truth ..

 

 

1.) Look I just started to fancy someone else

2.) I'm BDp and split you black out of resentment

 

Still can't believe she has done this , I know she has but I can't believe this will be the first xmass in years without her and my dog .

 

Its funny how you can think you have everything you want then it gets taken in a split second .

 

Still osculating between hurt/anger and depression ...

 

Some days I just want to sleep forever .

[Dobie]

This is bull**** !! Why do us dumpees have to put up with this from people we loved and cared about !!! I'm sitting here lonely , bored and f****d up with damm xmass around the corner making a list of things and chores i have to do because even small things take an effort and waiting on a call from a therapist while my x is feeling great and maybe already seeing someone else.

 

How can we the dumpees trust again after being so close to another human , they just disengage and in my x's case decide to stick the knife in as well.

 

All I keep hearing is divorce / infidelity / heart break from people in life look at poor ralfgarnet 20 year marriage boom finished ! My uncle told me the other day of a 35 year marriage where the wife walked out on the husband for someone else .

 

All my LTR I keep getting dumped ..... Apart from one mutual BU after 6 years .

 

Loving sucks

[LostInLosingLove]

This is bull**** !! I'm sitting here lonely , bored and f****d up

 

It seems that your (perceived)life is less fulfilling than hers on many levels. If you look at it from her angle, it gets easier to see the why of things.

 

She probably has a lot of pressure to be everything for you and a lot of pressure from parents, peers etc... to strive for better. It's hard for us to accept that we aren't great and the everything that they needed. I think that once we do, the rest starts falling away too.

 

Would you rather her be miserable and stay with you out of obligation or would you rather her be free to find herself and her happiness? Yes she f'd up the life you two shared but you need your own life too.

 

with damm xmass around the corner making a list of things and chores i have to do because even small things take an effort and waiting on a call from a therapist while my x is feeling great and maybe already seeing someone else.

 

How can we the dumpees trust again after being so close to another human , they just disengage and in my x's case decide to stick the knife in as well.

 

Stop being petty and stop playing the victim. Start taking responsibility and start taking action.

 

I'm not at the stage where I'm able to trust again but I'd like to believe that "Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose."

 

All my LTR I keep getting dumped ..... Apart from one mutual BU after 6 years .

 

Loving sucks

 

Codependency isn't a healthy kind of love. Also, that should be an eye opener for you. You're the constant in every single one of those breakups. Ask yourself what it is that you're doing wrong and learn to fix it.

 

All of this is easier said than done and it's infinitely easier for me to sit here judging you. I've been in similar shoes and had to face similar facts. It's hard but once your walls start crumbling you'll be able to build them back up.

[Dobie]

Except I didn't ask her for anything I was the one who took care of her , took care of the dog , took care of my sick father ... Listened to her problems every single day for hours at a time ...tried again and again to make her happy ... Cooked , cleaned picked her up ..tended to her when she was sick or worried ad nauseum ad infinitum .

 

Yes I am slightly co -dependent and I'm hoping to work through that with a therapist I'm also loyal and a realist I don't expect my partners to be perfect or my relationships to be a case of Romeo and Juliet ..

 

I believe you accept people for who they are love them and take responsibility for your own shortcomings before you start accusing your o/h of the source of your woes .

 

And yes I do feel sorry for myself do I have a right yep is it healthy nope .

[Toodaloo]

This is bull**** !! Why do us dumpees have to put up with this from people we loved and cared about !!! You don't so cut her lose!

 

I'm sitting here lonely , bored and f****d up with damm xmass around the corner making a list of things and chores i have to do because even small things take an effort and waiting on a call from a therapist while my x is feeling great and maybe already seeing someone else.

 

Get up off of your arse and find things to do. Redecorate, go running get a boxing bag and hang it up then use it. Read books, find a class, have a wank. Just DO something. Call friends get up and out.

 

How can we the dumpees trust again after being so close to another human , they just disengage and in my x's case decide to stick the knife in as well.

 

All I keep hearing is divorce / infidelity / heart break from people in life look at poor ralfgarnet 20 year marriage boom finished ! My uncle told me the other day of a 35 year marriage where the wife walked out on the husband for someone else .

 

All my LTR I keep getting dumped ..... Apart from one mutual BU after 6 years .

 

There are many long term happy marriages and relationships. You don't hear about them as gossips spread the poop not the good. The good is out there.

 

Loving sucks like a dyson but we keep going... Chin up chook

 

Good luck. It does get better. Get that punch bag though.

[LostInLosingLove]

Except I didn't ask her for anything I was the one who took care of her , took care of the dog , took care of my sick father ... Listened to her problems every single day for hours at a time ...tried again and again to make her happy ... Cooked , cleaned picked her up ..tended to her when she was sick or worried ad nauseum ad infinitum .

 

You're not her parent and apparently she realized that. Even friends can do all for her that you did. Maybe she believes that what she contributed to the 'real life' relationship holds more value in the greater scheme of things. If she can find someone who does all of what you could but also brings in more income, has less baggage, etc... isn't it possible this is actually good for her? To have an escape.

 

Everything is also about I did this I did that, that kind of attitude probably showed through in subtle ways. IDK, maybe I'm overreaching.

 

I believe you accept people for who they are love them and take responsibility for your own shortcomings before you start accusing your o/h of the source of your woes .

 

This whole thread is contradictory to that belief.

 

And yes I do feel sorry for myself do I have a right yep is it healthy nope .

 

I'm not asking you to not feel sorry for yourself, you do have that right. Everything takes time. I'm only suggesting that you stop blaming and start facing the facts.

 

I'm also loyal and a realist

 

So then be the realist.

[Dobie]

Your implying I was some sort of burden to her or I share blame I don't the only thing I blame myself for is for being selfless , putting her needs over mine , trying to the point of exhaustion to soothe and make her content and not seeing her like all my damm friends and family did so I could have screwed her before she screwed me !

 

OK I didn't earn as much as her ... So what should I have done apart from that I have been trying to gain qualifications progress etc maybe I should have

Been an ******* ,ignored her and spent more time with my friends , thought of myself all the time , got drunk more often and stayed out , maybe chased some tail as well like I did in the first few years when she was infatuated with me .

 

She has no real friends only selfish aquaintces .

 

Why would I want her to be happy after how she went out ? Do I give the impression in Christ like in my forgiveness for her scummy actions .

 

The women displayed her behaviours in front of family and friends as well , she was unhappy before she met me she will always be unhappy because she is unable to accept and appreciate anything she said it herself repeatedly "I can't be happy because I'm afraid it won't last" .

 

She had a home , a loyal loving , funny smart caring man, a loving extended family a future , she had everything that most people could want and she smashed it to pieces to get drunk with her shallow gfs and screw other guys .

 

She is not "finding herself" she is merely looking for new distractions to ease the emptyness in her soul !

 

Once all the other things she thought were missing I.e financial stability and friends came into play I got locked into her sights as the "problem" .

 

If I come across as bitter and hateful its because I am ...she used me and spat me out and tried to inflict as much pain as possible . I'm angry I put up with her , I'm angry I didn't see the signs everyone else saw and that I'm soft and kind and stupid . I'm angry I still miss her and she is off happy .

 

A sign Like for instance her going into a rage in front of my family because she had to drive them to her mothers for xmass .

 

Hiding a phone in case my bro made a call when he stayed over , putting damp washing in his room when he was staying even though he had a chest infection ..I'm furious I let someone soooo damm selfish get under my skin .

 

Someone who only last year was worried my dad would die and ruin her holiday

 

And yes I am burning with resentment because she did nothing but take and never give over the last few years and I let her stupid ass that I am .I kept making excuses out of love and neediness for a stable partner and loving relationship and because she manipulated me and made me feel guilty most of the time .

 

This is a creature who my friends and my bro told me post BU the reason they didn't see me as much at home was because they and there GFs /wives didn't want to come over and see her .

Edited December 23, 2014 by Dobie

[lauren13]

She used you because you let her. People will treat you as you allow them to treat you. If you don't respect yourself - nobody else will either.

[Dobie]

Ok just had my first session in therapy confirmed for 6th Jan so happy about that

 

Through the last 11 weeks I have never once drunk dialled her, never broke NC apart from that one time two weeks in or for "business reasons" .

 

I also never begged, or pleaded, turned up at her door in fact like I said I dumped her on the facebooks on the friday before she told me on the Sunday she doesn't love me .

 

 

What I'm getting at is if you know me I'm a very determined , passionate person I think my subconscious was telling me something .

 

Even she was shocked at how reasonable I have been about the whole thing ...

 

On some deep level as hard as it is to admit I think I know this is right .

Edited December 23, 2014 by Dobie

[Dobie]

I think my x just texted me but as I deleted her number I'm not sure ?

 

Her : "Hope your having a nice xmass x "

 

Me : " who's this? "

 

Her : "very mature"

 

 

If it is the x shall I respond?I look petty now ?