After 6 years fiancé calls off wedding (update)

[elaine567]

Dobie, saw this, today have you seen it before?

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome - may be worth you reading it.

[Dobie]

Thanks Elaine yes I have whatever her reasons she is a miserable cow bdp or not .As her poison seeps out of my system and I rebuild my life I can see myself thanking God she is gone . you can't love someone happy

[beach]

10 days NC .

 

First day in therapy yesterday , during said he wants to get to the bottom of my "rage"

Asking me about my childhood , my mother lol

 

Felt like saying dude I was fine till this happened do you expect me to not be angry ??

 

 

There's a reason he is the therapist and you aren't.

 

Go with the flow. Sometimes we believe we are "fine" and then one event unravels issues from the past that we buried.

 

It's true - so many things I never realized profoundly affected me (my upbringing - my family). Until I absolutely let go and went with the guidance of my trauma counselor - by not being guarded/defensive/ and closed off. Once I realized it was about letting go of what "was" and understood completely that I had a chance to grow and learn about me - and to be the best me I could be - that is when I started to learn how I could be happy all on my own.

 

Your opportunity to work with a counselor is about you - and how you can become happy.

 

When you stop handing all your power to her and learn about your healthy boundaries you won't care what she is or isn't doing.

 

It's about you now - take this chance to get happy.

[Dobie]

18 days NC

 

Therapist told me my childhood was dysfunctional and I suffered core trauma , understanding things about me and her now because of that the T said she has a lot of issues and is

A c**t made me laugh to hear a pro say that felt good . he told me her "love" was just mirroring its immature and not real .

 

Looking forward to improving my life , not sure I even miss her now more a case of missing who I thought she was and having a young attractive women on my arm the money and the energy I put into a 6 year r/s deff feeling better than I've done in a while ...

 

 

Just need to secure a promotion so I have more $$$ to do the things I want and I think I will be pretty much 75% back to normal

 

Screwed another girl helped me heal as well

Edited January 14, 2015 by Dobie

[FortunateSon]

You will get through this Dobie, give it time, keep working on yourself, continue talking to the counselor, and of course, stay NC. I was in a very similar situation, it took me about over a year to really get though it all. I would say that now, a year and half later, I am pretty much over everything and see her for who she is, not who I thought she was.

[Dobie]

Thanks bro , seriously more $$$ and some hot girls to have fun with and I won't even remember her name .

 

Decided to get new clothes new hairstyle etc as well . when I get a better paid job I'm redecorating whole flat so there is no trace of her stench .

 

Going to buy a new car as well

 

She doesent deserve me

Edited January 14, 2015 by Dobie

[CripplingMe]

Hi Dobie,

 

I felt compelled to respond to your post (I see how popular a thread it is).

 

I feel your pain enormously. Whilst our circumstances are different (Iwas with my ex for 4 years and he is suffering from a quarter life crisis), it seems our ex's (doesn't feel right saying that for me just yet), are somewhat a little similar in personality. My ex hasn't been cruel like yours, but I believe they are both BPD. Like you, I have also been incredibly suppportive to my ex, beyond what people can imagine. His family know how much I have stuck by him and think i have the patience of a saint. My reasoning was that because he was growing up (met him when he was 22 - he is now 27), I knew he was going through transitory stages (i did the same in my twenties with someone). So i tried to be understanding. Didn't help me though...

 

You have every right to be angry, hurt, betrayed and deeply unhappy - even after this period of time. Jeez, you were with her for 6 years, that is a long time out of your life and its a huge emotional shock to suddenly not have them anymore. I was with someone for 8 years prior to my recent ex, but I was very fortunate to experience an amicable break up so it did not hurt me no where NEAR as much as this was (it was still painful). I believe I loved a lot more deeply, passionately, intensely with my recent partner. I invested SO much and I feel like well, a little betrayed almost because I felt I got ultimately nothing in return in the end.

 

I am also co-dependant - never really used to be. My ex of 8 year's never gave me reason to feel deeply insecure, for him, I was always enough for him, there were no breaks or stone walling from him (he was in his 20s when i met him). They were complete opposites in terms of commitment and emotional maturity.

 

It sounds like you love so passionately, deeply and give your everything in a relationship - like i do - and I wonder why I cant find someone the same.

 

It's been less than a week for me since I saw him, so I am incredibly raw, vulnerable, in pain and sick to the pit of my stomach 24/7. I know it's been a few months for you but can't imagine your emotions have changed much at all. I honestly feel your pain in so many respects.

 

If I were you, i would try and find a way so she can't contact you - change mobile number or block it. For as long as she has a way to contact you, it will torment you. Looking on her social media accounts dont help, but I suppose it's curiosity which is natural and understandable, it just doesn't help you in the process.

 

Screwing other girls might be good for instant gratification, but you are only expelling your anger. I know why guys do this but emotionally it doesn't really resolve anything. It's just to try and eradicate the pain your'e feeling and gain some level of control psychologically. If you feel that's what may help, then so be it, but I never understand why people feel the need they have to sleep with others so quickly to prove they don't give a toss or giving themselves the impression it will help heal them a little bit quicker.

 

Have you ever thought about travelling? I honestly think going away (with less opportunity for contact) may help. I believe having constant reminders and pressures from home impinge the healing process. The biggest reminder for you is the home you shared.

 

I'd like to know how you're feeling, what things you have done to help you keep busy, did the therapy help, are you on medication, hows things with your job, what you do of a weekend to keep busy and so forth.

 

I don't care what people say about self-pity and over-analyzing, it's completely flipping normal, it's sometimes necessary to experience those things and you are entitled to feel the way you do.

 

I would like to go and see a therapist, but, having been to one before (when i was like 19 - im 34 now), i was so put off by realizing that they are just paid to listen to my problems and ask me questions. I already know what childhood I had and the effect this has on my relationships, so dont believe it helps other than coming on boards like this and surfing the internet.

 

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

[CripplingMe]

Re-consider buying that car and go travelling instead.

[elaine567]

In the first 18 months after a break up, people make really bad decisions,

 

Remember that before you go on a huge spending spree and get into debt, and before you end sleeping up with lots of good time girls and get a nasty STD.

[Dobie]

"Crippling me" so sorry to hear you are going through something similar I really wouldn't wish a blindside r/s breakup on anyone .

 

What's helped me is deep introspection looking back at the r/s and the red flags and hearing what people close to me saw about her and us and the dysfunction .

 

As well as mindfulness and my faith in God .

 

I've learnt bdp or not her "love" was a lie a mirror projecting onto me what she herself wanted and lacked as soon as I became like her I.e stable 9-5 and grew up more emotionally this is when she started to see me as boring and no longer "exciting" she was the most exhausting gf i have ever had and family and friends said the same after 2-3 hours my own chilled out easy going brother found him self burnt out and stressed from being in her company .I really do think I was loved in an immature and infantile way and that my attraction to her was as much about my own immaturity , dysfunctional behaviours and need for a "care giver" and my own unhealthy dependency needs that stem back to childhood . My T is helping me uncover things I know and also don't know and I said to him my goal is to be rebuilt stronger and more whole than I have ever been .

 

NC helps as does the thought of her post BU actions and her "don't give a damm attitude" every time I think I miss her or want to break NC I remember this child's behaviour and its cruelty as well as the fact it probably has a new supply .

 

I look back now and can clearly see a pattern of disengagement from her over the last 12-24 months right around the 4-4.5 year mark when this type of childish infantile "love" starts to wane .

 

I think about my dead dog , I think about her ruining my birthday and landing me in the **** financialy I think about all the lies and possible cheating and I tell myself I deserve better .

 

I am at the acceptance its over / bitter I want you to suffer phase .

 

In time as I gain all the things I need I won't even remember this hateful childs name and I can't wait .

 

 

I've learnt I want to be on my own I don't want another gf I need to be happy being me .

 

I'm an asset and I won't compromise myself for anyone's "love again" .

 

Weekends are family , friends , maybe a date or just time to read/reflect .

 

I'm still looking for a better paid job but in a way its a good thing I don't have those stresses as I'm healing up going to therapy etc

 

I feel violated and sick if I'm honest I let my guard down let her in and let her break every boundary , wreck my self esteem and I'm angry with me for letting her . with my new life and my new insights as well as growing as a person I won't let that happen again . I will never give control like that to a women again where I can be made to feel I'm worthless , not good enough and nothing more than a tool for her own needs

Edited January 15, 2015 by Dobie

[Itspointless]

I am at the acceptance / bitter I want you to suffer phase .

 

In time as I gain all the things I need I won't even remember this hateful childs name and I can't wait .

 

 

I've learnt I want to be on my own I don't want another gf I need to be happy being me .

 

I'm an asset and I won't compromise myself for anyone's "love again" .

Happy to read that you are progressing.

 

Just keep in mind the following: managing to suppress is not the same as accepting what has happened, just as choosing for yourself isn't the same as becoming dismissive and avoiding of love. It is good that you work with your therapist on the things you wrote about.

[Dobie]

Happy to read that you are progressing.

 

Just keep in mind the following: managing to suppress is not the same as accepting what has happened, just as choosing for yourself isn't the same as becoming dismissive and avoiding of love. It is good that you work with your therapist on the things you wrote about.

 

Thanks bro ... I've accepted she has gone and is not coming back though a large part of me would take her back (the reasons why is something I need to work on in therapy ) but I'm coming out of the FOG ....

 

I alternate between anger at her treatment and behaviour of me and the life we could have had and sadness after 6.5 years it ended like it did and I seemingly meant so little for so long . part of coming out of the FOG is realising just how selfish she was for so long with no excuses now the mask is off .

 

I think about her less I'm trying to just focus on me I ruminate less etc

 

Got a new tat getting some more , got new challenges at work and I'm chasing promotion so focussing on that .

 

 

I'd like her to admit she acted like a douche so I can forgive her and just let the anger go but i realise that will never happen even when we dated I can count on my hand the number of times she admitted she was wrong .

Edited January 18, 2015 by Dobie

[Dobie]

20 days NC

 

This weekend has been hard in terms of depression I visited family and spent time with a friend but its a feeling of sadness mixed with frustration/anger

 

Moments or hours where I feel like a loser , ugly , old and worthless and pessimistic about my future and any new r/s

 

My T will no doubt say this is the abanded child in me craving validation after rejection. I'm mindful of that these are old painful feelings I thought I'd expunged this b/u has opened deep scars

 

I realise now this unhappy anxious/depressed girl I dated is in some ways a facsimile of my own mother whose love and attention/affection I so desperately craved and who I desperately wanted to make happy . Just like my own mother I was blamed and made to feel responsible for their sadness .

 

God even like my own mother she hardly ever smiled or admited she was depressed . The cold aloof removed nature of her leaving the resentment the blame the anger ...its like living part of my childhood again ... The child in me raging not understanding why I'm not lovable what have I done wrong

 

The realisation I've probably never truly been in love or loved by any woman I don't know how its more a need to find my mother in my r/s . someone to love and take care of me .

 

And for her parts of me like her father , the outlaw the rebel smart and unorthodox impulsive .

 

We have both been dating parts of our parents

Edited January 18, 2015 by Dobie

[Dobie]

OK I'm having doubts about my Therapist

 

He thinks there is no such thing as aspd and anger is not depression turned inwards but a fear of anhilation!? ...

[flashed]

I feel like I should chime in briefly. You're not alone going through stuff like this. Pure rejection just plain sucks and you never get the reason or answer you're looking for. Even worse, to try and dissect it with logic will run circles around you.

 

Take that whole experience as feedback or training. Relationships are all trial by fire. Learn from it and apply it within yourself so that you can become a better man with or without a woman at your side. And when you do believe me, it wont take long for quality women to notice! Don't feel sorry for her, don't feel sorry for yourself. And certainly don't be bitter. Just silently thank her for the experience.

 

It's never calm seas that reveal the strength of a vessel. It's how you weather the storm that shows what you're made of. Good luck!

[elaine567]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brainsnacks/201203/the-only-5-fears-we-all-share -

 

"Extinction—the fear of annihilation, of ceasing to exist. This is a more fundamental way to express it than just calling it "fear of death." The idea of no longer being arouses a primary existential anxiety in all normal humans. Consider that panicky feeling you get when you look over the edge of a high building.

 

...Those who make us fearful will also make us angry."

[Downtown]

My therapist... thinks there is no such thing as aspd.

What kind of therapist doesn't believe in AsPD, a basic disorder listed in both the American and European diagnostic manuals? And why your sudden interest in AsPD, Dobie? I thought you had been suspecting strong BPD traits.

[Dobie]

What kind of therapist doesn't believe in AsPD, a basic disorder listed in both the American and European diagnostic manuals? And why your sudden interest in AsPD, Dobie? I thought you had been suspecting strong BPD traits.

 

No it was in relation to me I displayed early anti social behaviours from age 5 onwards till my teens theft, arson , drug use , killing small amimals , violence truancy poor impulse control , thrill seeking diag ADHD etc I asked him if I displayed early warning signs of aspd he said no I was acting out and anyone who claims there is such a thing as aspd is in his words "talking bollocks" .

 

I am not aspd at all I suffer anxiety for starters impossible for someone with aspd

 

 

 

I have a few red flags about this T to be honest . he seems fixated on the Freudian model of early child / parent r/s being the source of all ills .

 

He seems to think I have a deep rage ... No **** !!

 

He won't talk about her he says its about me not her she is not the problem

Edited January 24, 2015 by Dobie

[Dobie]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brainsnacks/201203/the-only-5-fears-we-all-share -

 

"Extinction—the fear of annihilation, of ceasing to exist. This is a more fundamental way to express it than just calling it "fear of death." The idea of no longer being arouses a primary existential anxiety in all normal humans. Consider that panicky feeling you get when you look over the edge of a high building.

 

...Those who make us fearful will also make us angry."

 

Yes but I told him when I get depressed I get very angry ...I explained this is quite common as I have heard it said depression is anger turned inwards he said he had never heard that and anger is linked to the fear of extinction

[QuantumofBoris]

I've just started reading this thread - am only a few pages into it, but mate, Dobie, seriously:

a) A bird who earns £100k plus a year wanting to ****ing SELL you the a/v cabinet???

b) she sounds mental

c) bullet dodged - get down the gym, seriously - you have no idea how much it will improve things - mood, self confidence, goal setting

d) meditation helps a ton for me also

[Hija77]

She sounds just awful. Be grateful you never married. Stick to NC unless you want her trampling all over your heart again. I know it's hard. I've been doing it for 2+ months, and sometimes it feels wretched...BUT, it's the only way to move on. Good luck!

[Dobie]

I've just started reading this thread - am only a few pages into it, but mate, Dobie, seriously:

a) A bird who earns £100k plus a year wanting to ****ing SELL you the a/v cabinet???

b) she sounds mental

c) bullet dodged - get down the gym, seriously - you have no idea how much it will improve things - mood, self confidence, goal setting

d) meditation helps a ton for me also

 

A.) I forgot to add she wanted to charge me for my disabled father mobile bill but the stupid skank forgot I had been paying it directly for 6 months

B.) I think paranoid / selfish / victim complex and evil sums her up

C.) Done

4.),agreed mate and mindfulness

[Dobie]

She sounds just awful. Be grateful you never married. Stick to NC unless you want her trampling all over your heart again. I know it's hard. I've been doing it for 2+ months, and sometimes it feels wretched...BUT, it's the only way to move on. Good luck!

 

 

Sorry your going through the same pal hope things get easier for you

 

 

I won't hear from her again her shame (doubtful) or total lack of guilt empathy and or decency will see to that .

[Downtown]

He won't talk about her he says its about me not her she is not the problem

Dobie, my impression is that -- like me -- you're an excessive caregiver who is so empathetic that you have great difficulty telling where your problems stop and your partner's problems begin. If so, your personal boundaries are so weak that you felt like you blended in with your partner's personality and issues. This is the way it was for me. I therefore found it to be immensely helpful to learn and understand what my exW's BPD issues are so -- by subtraction -- I could more easily define my own issues.

 

That is, by seeing what her contribution to the toxicity was, I found it far easier to identify my own contributions (i.e., my enabling behaviors). Hence, saying that "she is not the problem" ignores the fact that -- for an excessive caregiver -- identifying the partner's problems can be the best first step toward isolating and identifying his own issues. This, at least, was my experience.

[Dobie]

Dobie, my impression is that -- like me -- you're an excessive caregiver who is so empathetic that you have great difficulty telling where your problems stop and your partner's problems begin. If so, your personal boundaries are so weak that you felt like you blended in with your partner's personality and issues. This is the way it was for me. I therefore found it to be immensely helpful to learn and understand what my exW's BPD issues are so -- by subtraction -- I could more easily define my own issues.

 

That is, by seeing what her contribution to the toxicity was, I found it far easier to identify my own contributions (i.e., my enabling behaviors). Hence, saying that "she is not the problem" ignores the fact that -- for an excessive caregiver -- identifying the partner's problems can be the best first step toward isolating and identifying his own issues. This, at least, was my experience.

 

 

Its true DT that if I care about some one I want to help/fix resolve there problems anyway I can I'm no saint but I'm not selfish when it comes to loved ones ..

 

With her if I'm honest I was just trying to make her happy , there was always something or some reason for her not to be and when she was not unhappy she was usually irritable or testy .

 

My issue was after year 3/4 believing her that I was a major problem (yes I had issues I resolved them) and thereby trying for years to prove myself or make her happy while she did less and less for me was less and less caring and more and more frustrated / resentful / angry

 

SHE was never at fault of course ... It was always external factors or me /us that was the reason for her sadness .

 

My mother said it today and I concur she had very little personality or lacking a sense of self

 

If she had not been so attractive , young , highly sexualy experimental and enamoured of me there would be no way I would have entertained her as a gf ...the sad thing is over the years I fell more in "love" with her (caregiver?) as she fell more out of love with me .

 

She is a blank canvas a chemelon ...

 

 

I realise apart from the sense of sadness that 6.5 years is over without much regret on her part and a feeling of betrayal I'm not really missing her my pain is due to my own crappy life and my own dysfunctional dance (my dependcy issues) I had with her

 

If a stunning loving kind woman came into my life I don't think I'd shed one tear she had gone ..

 

True love is very very rare Jung talks about shadow attachment and I have been reading a lot on what is and what is not love . I could not describe her and I as having anything like a healthy mature love between us

 

It was more two dysfucnctional immature people meet "fall in love" one partner (me) grows up some and trys to take the r/s forward the other gets worse it implodes and then explodes as her childish infatuation wanes .

Edited January 25, 2015 by Dobie