Downtown Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 My mother said it today and I concur she had very little personality or lacking a sense of self.... She is a blank canvas a chemelon.If she is a BPDer, that is what you would expect. As you likely know by now, BPDers have a fragile, unstable sense of who they really are. That's why they tend to mirror the personality of a stable person in their lives. And that's why they tend to behave very differently around different groups of people. They do so to try to fit in, be loved, and be accepted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flashed Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Don't ever let her try to mold/change you because its not what she really wants you to do in the first place. Shes more or less testing your strength to see if you're secure with who you are. When you fold under her pressure or get needy she doesn't trust you emotionally or your ability to lead. Women are weird like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Don't ever let her try to mold/change you because its not what she really wants you to do in the first place. Shes more or less testing your strength to see if you're secure with who you are. When you fold under her pressure or get needy she doesn't trust you emotionally or your ability to lead. Women are weird like that. It was changes that needed to happen (explosive rages) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 If she is a BPDer, that is what you would expect. As you likely know by now, BPDers have a fragile, unstable sense of who they really are. That's why they tend to mirror the personality of a stable person in their lives. And that's why they tend to behave very differently around different groups of people. They do so to try to fit in, be loved, and be accepted. I wouldn't say she behaves differently its more a case of wanting to fit in be accepted etc .. She deff does not know who she is she said the post BU told me all her ideas were my ideas my strong personality etc .. Wants to find out who she is etc Link to post Share on other sites
QuantumofBoris Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I wish I had PM rights on this site, but only joined a couple of days back and posted a few times. Dobie - the similarities between our 2 situations are uncanny. If I could be arsed I could list enough fecked up behaviour over the course of 7 years to write an encyclopedia, but one thing I have learned, and may be of use to you as time starts to allow you to regain your composure is that it takes 2 people to make a good relationship, equally, it takes 2 people to destroy it. Once you get to a point of acceptance of responsibility - by which I don't mean self-blaming, or "if only I had done this instead of that "type thinking but a broader "OK, maybe I could have handled and done things differently" - a change in perspective and attitude rather than specifics you will possibly find it quite liberating. My 7 year car crash ended 4 weeks ago tomorrow - and I am actually alright - most of the time - occasional moments - but most of the time I just remind myself of all the crap I am no longer having to put up with (and there was fecking tons) I did all the armchair amateur BPD analysis and totally convinced myself she was diagnosable also, she cheated on me (this is established fact) and blah blah de blah but you know what? None of it fecking matters one fecking jot What's done is done. She doesn't want to be with me. I stepped out of my ego and accepted it She has her own life, and she is welcome to live it. My one regret is that I was stepdad to her 14 year old daughter from when she was 6, and I haven't seen her for over a month - I do feel some sense of responsibility towards her, but hey - although I said it takes two to make it, takes two to break it, this was ultimately her decision. I did all the usual "oh we can make it work" type cr@p, the "I miss you " texts and aallllll that ****e and it got me precisely nowhere - Once a woman is done, she is done. If you can PM me, then please do - reading your thread I sometimes wondered if we had been with the same woman.... Try reading No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover And one final thing - mate, I know you're a Brit, just like me, so cut out all the bloody yank talk and referencing money as $ - it's £! You know what I mean 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Kinetica84 Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 She has also made new gf's got a new job she enjoys and has always swung between excessive adoration of me and us (we are meant to be) and anxious worry (do we make each other happy) The fact she is going to be 30 next year has been worrying her and she told me after the break she needs to "find herself" as she has been in relationships for over 10 years in fact she coldly waited to leave her last bf only after she had finished her degree and then pursued me relentlessly knowing he was an acquaintance of mine and I was already with someone (though we had long ago lost the spark and romance as well as sex life) I feel used to be honest this would not have happened 12 months ago when she was lonely and depressed, as she said I don't need you as a friend I now have "friends" I'm not angry with her for falling out of love I'm angry she has broken my trust how she can be so cold and self absorbed after the breakup and annoyed she has spent the last year telling me how much she "loves" me . We were at a wedding a few months back and she told me how she felt like crying imagining us in the bride & grooms place ... She has gone from I want us to still be friends and I will help out with the bills till you get sorted to ... I'm prepared to never see you again and I'm only "helping" out for 2 months as I think that's fair and grumbling about all the stuff she bought for our home like the washing machine that she will be leaving . As if some furniture and white goods can make up for all this . I've noticed over the years how spoilt and childish she is always blaming others or circumstances for her own unhappiness and expecting others to make her happy . Everyone who knows her described her to me after the break up as demanding and difficult as well as hard work and super sensitive I guess I just always thought I could make her happy if I did this or that and her feelings for me and us were deep and constant .. I guessed wrong Dude read this. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/419416-ran-into-my-ex-bar-8-months-later-interesting-story#post5164075 18 signs of BPD (Borderline personality disorder) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Kinect : She has 15 of those traits Boris : If anything I'm the one mate to usually take the blame / apologise or Reflect . But in the last 2-3 years she said it herself "you have done everything you could " I felt a lot of resentment that = me not trying very often to have sex with her . (after her constant reasons not to ) not particularly bothered about sleeping in the same bed not wanting to French kiss her .preferring to sit on separate sofas . I could have done more to not lose my temper so often with her but she really did push every button . Its hard to keep giving and giving and getting very little but resentment , paranoia and demands and a constant need to prove myself but when it comes to your needs Nada nothing . My bro told me today I had rejected her subconsciously by my actions such as the above . but I was too loyal to break up and dependent on the r/s for other needs I'm very practical when it comes to "love" I don't give a rats about her mate I'm more butt hurt by her actions , cunning , and the fact she used me as well as all the other things I've lost not forgetting 6.5 years I honestly don't regret any of my r/s but I do this one . Its cost me a lot and has been the most exhausting and devastating Link to post Share on other sites
QuantumofBoris Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 "Its cost me a lot and has been the most exhausting and devastating" I know the feeling mate, truly I do - there are so many, and I mean so many similarities between our situations its shocking Example - my car got broken into and a few things stolen, including my phone, which I had left in the glovebox I went to meet her shortly afterwards, seething with rage about all that had happened, really really peed off and she got the hump because I hadn't noticed her haircut She used to pressure me endlessly to participate in activities that she was into, some of which were not my thing but I would go to try to expand my experience, in a kind of yeh why not way - if I ever asked the same of her I just got a flat "no" She used to say things like I would screw her over financially (I earned a lot more than she did) and she would hate to be beholden to me because a friend of hers got divorced and her husband shafted her, therefore I would do exactly the same thing It went on and on and on and on Just seen a comment she has posted on mutual friend FB post - I don't think she is with anyone else, she in fact told me so recently (I didn't ask, she just offered it up) but what the buggery, feck her and all of the last 7 years, total waste of time. Grrrrr Best of luck chief, keep your chin up - you will have good days, better days, and crap days, but over time the balance will shift towards the good and the better Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 (edited) Likewise mate , I've learnt something from all this not sure it applies to your missus but I will never date a women again who is not happy before I met her You can't cure unhappy , anxious , and immature with love mate Another one is never trust someone who can't trust I feel like such a tool tbh the first time I ever met her I noticed something was off the first time we ever went on a date I felt something was missing but I just kept denying it for various reasons mostly due to her looks and strong appreciation of me as well as her relentless pursuit of me I've matured a lot in the last 6.5 years and from this waste gash I know now exactly what I want in a partner as well as what red flags to watch for . Just working on getting myself sorted and I will never be vulnerable to such a dysfunctional person again Edited January 25, 2015 by Dobie 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuantumofBoris Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 we are all suckers - we can overlook soooo many red flags when a pretty bird is sat in front of us When I met mine she was in a crap place, had been having a thing with some bloke who it turned out was married - the first she knew was when his missus turned up at her door. When i met her all she did was talk about all her crappy exes (big red flag) but I was up for some company, not in the best place myself so I went ahead with it. Turns out she cheated on me with the same bloke 5 years into our RS. While she was away with work, I was at home, playing dad to the kid, getting her to school and all that crap. She was doing skype sex with the bloke while she was away, then got physical with him when she got back. She tried to end things with me, and I didn't know any of this for at least 6 months after the act, but told me she wanted out because of blah blah blah - I was unsure, sort of said ok, then the next day she was back and had completely changed her mind - my family had enough of her a long time ago.. She was a great lover in a physical sense, and when things were good, they were awesome. Those times just became less and less frequent I should buy you a beer mate, brothers in nutters...;-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Blimey mate that's harsh!! What a b***CH !!! I don't think mine cheated but I wouldn't put it past her in the last few months at least . Mate its enough to put you off birds for life I'm 37 now and I've had enough its just one headache after another for what ??? Sex and companionship ??? Get a dog and visit a brass hahah Nothings worth the pain . Best to just never fully attach its how I'm going to be from now on . Don't trust a thing .. Beer sounds good mate u live in London? Link to post Share on other sites
QuantumofBoris Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 there is more on the cheating front mate - i only found out some of it about a week before we split - by this time the decline was irreversable, and welcome She appears to have some kind of hypersexuality thing going on, which i think is all part of the BPD spectrum Croydon - you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 (edited) there is more on the cheating front mate - i only found out some of it about a week before we split - by this time the decline was irreversable, and welcome She appears to have some kind of hypersexuality thing going on, which i think is all part of the BPD spectrum Croydon - you? Mate I'm gutted for you , I stayed loyal for the whole r/s I wish I hadent I know Croydon well mate Clapham i can't pm you till you have pm rights 50 messages and a month on here I think . Edited January 25, 2015 by Dobie Link to post Share on other sites
QuantumofBoris Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 it has been a ****ing wrench, the whole bloody thing I put up with so much crap it's unbelievable, like properly bonkers crap There is no way on this forum at all to exchange any contact details - you on FB - guess this is your surname, if you provide your first I can look u up - understand you might not want to do that though for obvious reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Were you expecting the BU mate? sounds like you have had it worse than me pal mine was a selfish c**t but not nuts nuts No bugger err happy to give you my mobile etc but not on public Silly pm rule Link to post Share on other sites
QuantumofBoris Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 totally fair enough - um, i'll have a think I was expecting the break up tbh - 2 days before xmas, we had done all the shopping etc - food gifts - we had her kid, ex's sister and her partner coming round Ex has a fit, decides its all over, and basically tells me to do one and would have been perfectly happy to kick me to the curb and spend xmas alone I wasn't having that - I wasnt prepared to chuck a **** grenade into the mix at xmas when everyone was expecting me to be there, just cos she had a hissy fit, so i calmed it over, got through xmas then boom - all done Lovely I pity the next fool that takes up with her - I did send her a text 2 days after I left and said "U sure there's no-one else? If there is I just want to give him my best wishes and deepest sympathy" it went down as well as I had hoped it would. Petty? probably. Cathartic? at the time Now just licking wounds and getting down the gym like my life depended on it - really limiting the booze, eating well, sleeping well, meditating and all that good stuff and just trying to shut the whole thing away in a nice little compartmentalised box I did have to meet her last week to exchange some items we had of each others and she says this: "We need some time apart - lets give a bit then see where we are" WTF. Even now she cannot be definite - always kept her options open. But I am being definite. I would rather crap in my hands and then clap ten times than get back with her Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 (edited) How long had you been detaching mate ? Sounds like this was the final straw after all the other crap I was sort of the same silly cow three days before my birthday total selfish behaviour as per usual . I didn't even feel sad more relieved / elated angry then as she started to get more and more nasty and the more mugged off hurt I felt is when it hit me about 3-4 weeks in . Mine has been detaching for 1-2 years and more so last 3 months so there was no "let's just see" plus like I said she is a ruthless bitch so probably made sure it was over/over and had a new supply lined up ...though I did catch her on tinder 10 weeks out having said that I clicked yes on three of her mates hahaha so she was probably fuming and created a profile Boris how old are you ? She has loads of very personal stuff of mine I dont want to see her face as I will probably be sick she is also playing a control game and is expecting me to beg Edited January 25, 2015 by Dobie Link to post Share on other sites
QuantumofBoris Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 I'm 41 - she is 36 its a long story, but we basically split up September 2013 then she came crawling back in April last year and like a mug I thought "Ok all that crap won't happen again" And it did There's a lot of other stuff I could put down here about various aspects of our connection but I'm going to be cautious and keep it off here just on the minor minor offchance anyone else could read it and figure out who I am and who I am talking about - I'll save it for now - have mailed the mods on here and asked if there is anyway they can open up PM for you/ me and explained why 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 (edited) Interesting session with my T today he told me on a subconcious level I picked my xbdpfiance because she allowed me to "rage" and because I knew she would leave me!? I wanted him to elaborate on this but we ran out of time . I remember a few dates in she was already winding me up and triggering my anger .Part of me identifies myself AS angry rather than I feel or experience anger I had to do some soul searching but part of me liked the drama the fights it made a part of me feel alive the angry traumitised child that does not want to die . God I've learnt so much about me and "us" I'd love to share with her but she is dysregualting so I'm black at the moment . Edited January 27, 2015 by Dobie Link to post Share on other sites
QuantumofBoris Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 No response from the mods on here Dobie - no great surprise I spose Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 No response from the mods on here Dobie - no great surprise I spose OK pal hope your doing ok ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuantumofBoris Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Yeh I'm good mate - might as well move into the gym I'm spending so much time there. The hassles and strains of the break up are really starting to feel like a distant memory Have got an interview for a new job next week which is looking promising (I got laid off last year and haven't worked since the summer and really want to get back to work) Have blocked ex on FB Am on day 12 of total NC since we last met and spoke when we exchanged last remaining items we had of each other I feel like I am living a new life Seriously hope all going well with you mate, and you are getting your head back together after all the crap you had to put up with Once I get PM rights on here we'll have to sort out that beer - if you are in Clapham, which I know well, there's loads of good pubs round there, and all full of skirt...:-) Link to post Share on other sites
QuantumofBoris Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 BTW I used to live in Rootin Tooting so know the area well - which bit of Clapham are you? I used to go drinking in the Sun at the top end of the common, the Windmill, The BelleVue, The Vic, and also down Northcote Road...happy days they were Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 (edited) Mate that's great news will be keeping my fingers crossed for you !! Also well done on the NC mate I'm at day 32 since I caught her on a dating site (slag) yes sarfff London is full of minge I'm meeting another bird tommorow for coffee (proper fit fund manager) but to be honest I've met 5 birds since the BU and nothing compares to my x ... Or rather her good points and the illusion . I'm still coming out of the fog and its a kicker she was probably not in love with me for ages and was just using me , who knows but as they say actions speak louder than words ...I can't believe I was such a trusting MUG!! met an old pal last night for a few Stella's and he caught his missus cheating on him!! ffs are all the women in London mental or cheaters!?!? Just trying to remember what my T said . You "picked" her (she chased me) because she allowed you to keep that angry kid in you alive and because on a subconscious level I knew she would leave me . She honed in on me like a predator (his words) Toxic /dysfunction Most time I feel this range of emotions 1.) I knew always she was not the "one for me" 2.) Why does/she have to be such a dickhead grow up and let's heal the wounds and leave it nicely talk through all the crap and forgive and forget 3.) You f*****g tramp how how dare you mug me off and treat /use me like you did 4.) No other women will be as attractive and as infatuated or intelligent as you were 5.) Your a mentalist I'm not angry I feel compassion 6.) Your not mental you are just an evil / selfish witch 7.) That was as good as its gets 8.) Maybe someday I can be happy again in a r/s 9.) I don't think I've ever been in "love" 10.) I did love her in my own way 11.) Six years wasted Defo for the beers (don't want to give too much away on public forum) but yes mate know the windmill pal Edited January 31, 2015 by Dobie Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 Saw my T yesterday had a good session more insight into me and the reason for my relationship choices and failures . Did some really positive stuff today , still got a long way to go and I realise that fixing me is bigger than getting over her . I take my responsibility for my role in the dysfunction and nothing more . Felt very sad today that I seemingly meant nothing for so long .... I'm mourning six years good or bad . people I care about mean something to me. even when I broke up with my last gf I mourned her and I cared about her still do . I guess that's what I'm dealing with at the moment feeling like I didn't / don't matter I realise I don't need anyone else to validate me or give me meaning and its unhealthy to do so but that's how I feel . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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