After 6 years fiancé calls off wedding (update)

[Dobie]

On the Sunday 12 oct she said she her feelings had changed and she wanted to stay at her sisters

 

I told her I would go to my brothers , I came back on the wensday 15th oct (my birthday) and she said she had to leave she couldn't be here when I got back .

 

On the Friday 17th oct I emailed her on FB and told her it was over ...

 

On the Saturday morning she told me she cried all night and didn't think it was over just wanted time to think..

 

Sunday 19th oct we spoke on the phone she told me she wasn't in love with me but still loved me . she asked me how I knew it was over and i told her from the moment she told me her feelings had changed told me not to screw girls in her bed urghh she was hinting at me to try and convince her to break up with me but I just played the understanding card ...she said if she had seen me she would have probably stuck it out for another year or two .

 

The following Sunday 26 October I asked to meet for a drink she said no we can speak on the phone I told her I wanted to try and work things out she got mad and started to say that's not fair on me I don't love you anymore etc etc and then proceeded to lay into me and tell me she should have left me years ago as she has not been in love with me for at least a year or two blah blah blah (a few weeks later she denied she ever said all this and accused me of making it up) .

 

 

The time away from me and her friends and families influence have killed what love she had left for me as evidenced by her behaviours ...

Edited November 27, 2014 by Dobie

[Quest]

Hmm. Well, don't personally think the 'in love' phase goes on forever. In longer relationships you're able to move from that into loving each other and being together. Sounds like she was very conflicted and your reaction just gave her the impetus she needed to make a decision one way or the other. At the point where she was conflicted it might have been possible to try and work things out but that takes two people who are really willing to do that. Sounds like you were both hurting too much to even try. A lot of her coldness MIGHT be to do with just trying to move on, accepting it's over. (I don't know about bpd and from what some say that could play a part.) Whatever the truth of it all is, if you have time apart to let things settle you'll both have a better idea of how you feel - and everything that's happened during the break-up will play a part in that. You've both seen another side of each other now. If her feelings are strong enough I really don't think family or friends will influence her. If they aren't, then they aren't and you're better off without her. Don't blame yourself for what you did or didn't do. Everything gets really heated and complicated at a time like this and she'd told you her feelings had changed, which is a huge shock.

[Dobie]

I guess my best and only chance of getting her back is going NC ...

 

I want to call her and tell her I still love her but I'm sure its no use I tried to talk to her a few weeks back and she shut me down, she is so stubborn if and only if SHE decides she had made a mistake but im not sure she would even admit it . She would just feel sad and move on she has been looking for reineforment for this from family / friends and I see no reason or even hint she regrets her descion or is likely to change her mind .

 

She has told me .

 

I don't love you

When I told her I'm OK with all this she said good she wants me to move on

When I asked to work things out she said no we had both come to a mutual descion

She has shown no concern about me or my feelings only about money, possessions

She is out having fun and posting pictures on FB

She has told me I will meet another girl

She asked me not to screw women in her bed .

When I feel better she wants to meet for a coffee and be friends (urgh)

 

I think I have more chance of winning the lottery than her coming to her senses or regretting this . She has only seen another awesome side of me unlike what she has shown me lol

Edited November 27, 2014 by Dobie

[Dobie]

dread the weekends keep thinking about her out having fun meeting new guys , hardly slept last night bad dreams i met her and she was cold and unfeeling almost laughing in my face i was playing with all these babies and feeling sad none of them were mine ...

[Quest]

Definitely best to let things calm down for now which means not contacting her - it'll only end in recrimination by the sounds of it. She's said and done a lot of hurtful things (but it does sound as if she was hurting too when you broke up, whatever impression she's giving). Try to put your energies into sorting out your own situation for now - at least it will give you a focus and you've got things you want to sort out. Maybe give yourself a time limit of when you want to review everything and see how things are then? Meantime just get busy, even if you don't feel like it.

[Dobie]

the crazy thing is since the bu I've made a new friend and am doing all the things my x acccused me of not wanting to do or not enjoy i feel like txt her saying "it took us to bu for me and you to start enjoying things again why couldent we sort things out together so we both could be doing this" she will most probably think in just trying to get her back . Her emotional disconnect from me is so severe like i said earlier in the thread when i pretty much told her how upset i was and how i felt like dying , all she could respond with was how upset she was because i told her i changed the locks . At the moment she is hating or indefirent toward me cold and loveless i wonder if given time she might feel different ? I don't know if he is bdp but i know she has emotional instability forgive me ladies for saying this but it was like she always had a 24/7 period .

[Dobie]

i think in still in shock i cant accept or understand or know how to process how somone i love and thought loved me can .

 

1.) end a relationship like this (though looking back there were probably signs i missed)

 

2.) bu in such a ruthless me me me spiteful way

 

3.) show no guilt shame or compassion and seem to be happy

[Itspointless]

i think in still in shock i cant accept or understand or know how to process how somone i love and thought loved me can .

 

1.) end a relationship like this (though looking back there were probably signs i missed)

 

2.) bu in such a ruthless me me me spiteful way

 

3.) show no guilt shame or compassion and seem to be happy

Such truths are very hard to take in as sometimes people have sights to them we never encounter except in extreme (out of the normal) circumstances. For example when they are extremely stressed, vulnerable or just fed up. Some healthy people are extremely well in hiding and just do not feel anything any-more (surprise surprise), others are somewhat more dysfunctional, are i.e. extreme in highs and lows, or it turns out that they do not really posses the ability to be empathic. Our brain and body are in no way prepared for the exhibit of things that fall out of the normal range, the behaviour we got used to with them. Also these people play a major part in our own mental well-being: our brain and body are connected to them in important ways. That delicate balance is suddenly disturbed. You are traumatized (in the literal sense of the word), it takes time to heal. Be kind to yourself.

[Dobie]

broke down in tears at wrk today had to have my manager console me ... Most embarrasing moment of my life im an 18 stone former powerlifter with tats and a shaved head I've lost and suffered in my life but never acted like this .

 

i cant believe i will never hear her say she loves me again ... Or that after 6 years this will always be what i take from the time we spent together

 

 

i asked god to take my life if he wont bring her back .

[Itspointless]

i asked god to take my life if he wont bring her back .

Not now, but your life will be good again.

[Fearful]

Sorry OP but I think you should move on with your life. A girl you dated for six years dumped you without any remorse, pity or kindness. Yet you are acting as if your life begins and ends with her. Do you want to spend another six years morning her? Yet you are even choosing death ove life because of her. Where is your emotional stability. No woman is worth dying for, No woman is worth killing for and no woman is worth killing. Be wise!

[Dobie]

I know fearful I just have never been betrayed like this before esp from someone I loved . I really hope she has a PD as that would at least explain her behaviour .

[Dobie]

six weeks since she left , i should hate her for how she went out but all i can seem to do is miss her and keep going over what I could have done to stop this

 

weekends are the worse because i know she is out having fun , maybe meeting new guys and all my family and friends are busy with kids, wives, work etc

 

been on a few dates, nothing compares to her . Keep thinking about what I've lost a beautiful inteligent , sophisticated girl who used to think the sun shines out of my behind . She made me believe we would grow old together , do all these amazing things together, she made me trust her a 100% she was so intense towards me when it came to our love despite any other external problems we may have had . She even said to me weeks ago "when have i ever left you" .

 

still in shock still don't know how she could say those things only weeks ago and then bamm i don't love you .

 

feel so cold and lonely ...

[Downtown]

Still don't know how she could say those things only weeks ago and then bamm i don't love you.

Dobie, a normal healthy 29-year-old woman is simply INCAPABLE of turning six years of feelings off like a light switch. A healthy woman, even when she is angry with you, is in touch with her loving feelings at all times. Healthy adults have strong mixed feelings toward other people and are able to remain aware of those conflicting sets of feelings.

 

There are only two groups of people who are unable to tolerate those strong mixed feelings. One is the children who are so young they haven't had time to develop an integrated sense of who they are. The other group is the people having strong traits of a PD such as BPD or NPD. Their emotional development is frozen at the level of a four year old.

 

I note that you keep telling the story of your having a wonderful R/S for six years and her suddenly turning on you, betraying you. If that were true, I would be suggesting some other possibility like bipolar disorder, which commonly has an onset between 18 and 30 years of age -- and thus could suddenly appear at age 29.

 

I strongly suspect, however, that your story of a sudden change from loving to hateful is simply not true. You conceded (post #20) that her dark side started appearing early on. You say that your brother, who was not blinded by your infatuation, "could never stand her." Similarly, your mother "said when she witnessed her behaviour towards me on a family holiday she knew this girl was not for me." Indeed, your brother said, "It's not because she hurt or dumped you that I don't like her but because of her personality and he honestly thinks she is nuts, critical, low mood, negative, paranoid and our relationship dysfunctional."

 

It therefore sounds like you are finally seeing the dark side that your brother and mother saw all along. The time has come to wake up and smell the coffee.

[slimmontana]

@dobie Just take sometime for yourself brother..Keep yourself very busy develop some new interests. Start to build the life that you want for yourself minus her. Dont contact her at all!! It will help the healing process...You should be thanking your lucky stars because it looks like you dodged a bullet!

[Dobie]

downtown i know she is not normal in fact that is the only thing giving me solace ... Even if she feel out of love with me months or years ago as she said then denied it does not make sense only weeks before the bu to say things like "I would kill myself if something happened to you" (i asked her about this after the bu and she laughed and said she was exagerating wtf) while watching tv in i get bedroom ... Then weeks later go out like she did with not a scrap if compassion or care ... Her feelings are very intense in this instance i get the overiding sense of anger and resentment her pettiness post bu her total lack of empathy or sense she has done anything remotely wrong (she said in a good person how else could i have broken up with you its not my fault my feelings changed) ..

 

i miss the girl who used to love me with a passion tell me how wonderful and amazing i am , how we are "meant be" .

 

i don't miss the girl with her mood swings, her constant analyzing of why she is unhappy and her lack of introspection on that subject her anxiety, nuerotic outbursts and need for me to constantly reasuure her about us , work or any other problems such as if people like her on a daily basis nor do i miss her lack of trust / or that i would not "screw her over finnacially" or resentment or bad thoughts about me .

Edited November 29, 2014 by Dobie

[Dobie]

its not so much her wacky behaviour that surprises me but rather the intensity of her love fadding into anger toward me .

 

 

in no saint but i never cheated on her or hurt her in a major way the worst you could say about me in the last few years was we bickered and she did pay more for things ... but on the other hand i was loving, supportive, kind, patient , attentive .. My bro says i was always making excuses for her even now and blaming myself . I guess i do / have i wish i didn't love and miss her but i do and im hurt so damm bad i could never treat her like this even if i had been the one to bu

[Dobie]

something else came to my mind she told me a few months back she felt empty or like there was nothing to her and that she was uinteresting.

 

post bu she told me she wanted to find out who she was and blamed my strong character for not allowing her too i.e she took on my interests and beliefs ... Its one of the reasons she was attracted to me in the first place .

 

she stayed with her last bf she admited because she needed a nice guy at the time although she didn't fancy him two weeks into a 3 year relationship . But she wanted someone strong, dependable and nice after her last bf and because of turmoil in her personal life even though she said they had nothing in common.

[writergal]

 

she stayed with her last bf she admited because she needed a nice guy at the time although she didn't fancy him two weeks into a 3 year relationship . But she wanted someone strong, dependable and nice after her last bf and because of turmoil in her personal life even though she said they had nothing in common.

 

How soon into your 6 year relationship did she tell you this? And, why did you press on with dating your ex, knowing that she used her last boyfriend as a place-filler? Didn't having that kind of information about her relationship history concern you at the time you learned it? Didn't it bother you? At all that she is that superficial? That she uses people that way?

 

I think your ex serves as proof that you can find better quality women to date in the future when you're ready. Seriously. You will find a woman who doesn't use men in the way your ex has. I'm sure your side of the world is populated with eligible women who have a better personality than your ex.

 

Just keep moving forward Dobie. Some days will be harder than others.

[Dobie]

i was concerned when she told me that writergrl but she made me feel like a God made me feel like i was Zeus i guess my ego got in the way of my sense .

 

i don't feel great about myself in 37 unmarried , no kids, a job that cant support me , few friends a flat with nothing in it lol my time and energy was put into us . It may take me years to meet someone and then years to take the next step marrige/kids etc .

[writergal]

i was concerned when she told me that writergrl but she made me feel like a God made me feel like i was Zeus i guess my ego got in the way of my sense .

 

i don't feel great about myself in 37 unmarried , no kids, a job that cant support me , few friends a flat with nothing in it lol my time and energy was put into us . It may take me years to meet someone and then years to take the next step marrige/kids etc .

 

Ok that's one way to look at your situation. Here's another way: 37, single guy who is a great catch, currently in a life transition, living with a friend in a flat to save on bills (so many people of all ages do this), who is enjoying his life (with his hobbies, frinedships) and is ready to date again.

 

It may not take you years Dobie to meet someone whom you're compatible with. The timeline depends on your readiness for a shot at another long term relationship. It all boils down to timing, I think. When you're ready, you'll know. Right now, you'll in the early rebuilding stage of your life post break-up. Give yourself time. Patience, grasshopper! It will all turn out well. It's just hard to see that right now.

[Downtown]

something else came to my mind she told me a few months back she felt empty or like there was nothing to her and that she was uinteresting.

BPDers feel hollow inside. Because their emotional growth came to a stop by age four, they never were able to develop an integrated personality or a strong sense of who they are. They therefore seek out someone with a strong personality who will provide them with "an identity," helping to ground and center them.

 

post bu she told me she wanted to find out who she was and blamed my strong character for not allowing her too i.e she took on my interests and beliefs ... Its one of the reasons she was attracted to me in the first place.

As I noted above, a BPDer desperately needs someone with a strong personality to give her the identity that is missing. In that way, you help to center and ground her and give her a sense of direction and purpose. Yet, as soon as you do exactly that, she will start to resent you for "controlling her" and suffocating her. This feeling is called the engulfment fear. This is why I said earlier that living with a BPDer is always a lose-lose situation no matter what you do. Her two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to give her the identity and love she craves, you will at the same time start triggering her great fear of engulfment. A person having a very weak ego quickly starts feeling controlled and engulfed during intimacy because she has such a weak self image that she cannot tell where "she" leaves off and "you" begin. BPDers have extremely weak personal boundaries, to the extent they exist at all.

 

She wanted someone strong, dependable and nice after her last bf and because of turmoil in her personal life even though she said they had nothing in common.

Because a BPDer has such a weak sense of self, she will absolutely hate living alone. She therefore will seek out someone with a strong personality even if they have little in common. During the infatuation period, she likely will be convinced she really does enjoy all the things he enjoys doing.

[Dobie]

downtown she accused me over the years if being "manipulative" which is ridiculous and again comorbid to that is her paranoia i was trying to or would use her in some way .

 

 

i don't know if she is bdp as her other relationships would need to exhibit the same traits family , friends , work collegues im just not sure .. But she is without a doubt nothing like any other women i have dated . I see her like a teenage/pre pubescent girl in her emotional behaviours than a fully mature 29 year old woman.

[Downtown]

downtown she accused me over the years if being "manipulative" which is ridiculous and again comorbid to that is her paranoia i was trying to or would use her in some way.

Likewise, my BPDer exW frequently thought I was try to "control her" and, every few weeks, she would be convinced I was lying to her -- never mind that she could not prove I had lied about anything. The feeling was so intense she was convinced it MUST be true.

 

i don't know if she is bdp as her other relationships would need to exhibit the same traits family , friends , work collegues.

No, Dobie, that would be true only for low-functioning BPDers. The vast majority of BPDers, however, are high-functioning, i.e., they get along fine with business associates, casual friends, and total strangers. The reason is that NONE of those folks pose a threat to the BPDer's two great fears. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment.

 

It therefore is common for BPDers to excel in very demanding professions like being a nurse, psychologist, actor, professor, doctor, or salesman. It also is common for a BPDer to be caring and considerate all day long with complete strangers -- and then go home, at night, to abuse the very person who loves her.

[Dobie]

she has never lived alone when we were first dating she lived in a flat share . Even now despite the fact she is on a 100k she is living with her little sister till after xmass . I suppose she wants the emotional support . Her sister is 19 with a child . She cited her reasons as its hard to find a place hmmnn