Author Dobie Posted November 29, 2014 Author Share Posted November 29, 2014 (edited) Christ downtown your really reminding me of some stuff ...she would accuse me of the most ridiculous things or lying like "eating her icec-ream" or just the most ridiculous things like selling her ciggarettes . Eating something of hers etc . Coming the joint bank account and accusing me of taking out cash to spend on myself .. Total paranoia i was in some way trying to get one over on her (her father shares the same mindset) even after the bu she told me in only upset because of the financial situation wtf the thing is i never threatned to leave her in the last 6 years ... It was her who left on 2-3 occasions so i never saw her great fear of adandonment rather her paranoia i didn't love her or take her money or cheat on her . About 6 months back she said if i left her she would be devastated but would want me to be happy . People are not born conjoined . we might have rowed and i said its over but it only lasted for an hour . Edited November 29, 2014 by Dobie 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted November 29, 2014 Author Share Posted November 29, 2014 the one constant i am a 100% sure of for the last 6 years is her constant analysis of why she is not happy .... As she got the job, the friends i am now the reason she even had the cheek when i said I've never known you to be happy for long over the last six years to blame me for that . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 Christ downtown your really reminding me of some stuff ...she would accuse me of the most ridiculous things or lying like "eating her icec-ream" or just the most ridiculous things like selling her ciggarettes . Eating something of hers etc . Coming the joint bank account and accusing me of taking out cash to spend on myself .. Total paranoia i was in some way trying to get one over on her (her father shares the same mindset) even after the bu she told me in only upset because of the financial situation wtf the thing is i never threatned to leave her in the last 6 years ... It was her who left on 2-3 occasions so i never saw her great fear of adandonment rather her paranoia i didn't love her or take her money or cheat on her . About 6 months back she said if i left her she would be devastated but would want me to be happy . People are not born conjoined . we might have rowed and i said its over but it only lasted for an hour . Her paranoia is brought on by her great fear of abandonment. Haven't you ever wondered if you left the stove on at home, and you start imagining the scenario of your home burning down ?; then all of the sudden paranoia strikes at you, and you want to check it out. That's her with relationships. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 I mean is there anyone here who doesn't think her behaviours are signs of PD ? I.e am I just trying to rationalise this in my own mind ? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 30, 2014 Share Posted November 30, 2014 I mean is there anyone here who doesn't think her behaviours are signs of PD ? I.e am I just trying to rationalise this in my own mind ? After 12 pages, I don't get what you are so conflicted about. You obviously did the right thing in getting this toxic person out of your life. Why all the second-guessing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 Im just trying to rationalise this in my own mind ? Is her behaviour normal and she is just a girl who fell out of love and once out of love acted as she did post bu because she no longer had feelings for me ? About a week or so before she broke up with me she went to Barcelona for the weekend with her gf to test if she missed me (found out the reason post BU obviously) ... When she got back i noticed a disturbance in the force I sensed something was up and asked her if she still wanted to marry me (I'm not clingy or insecure) Before she left she told me she would miss me everyday and that's how she used to be although looking back this had waned over the last few months before the bu ... I would normally get a text every day at work "I miss you" If I ever went away for a day or two without her (rarely) I would get the "I miss you" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 (edited) After 12 pages, I don't get what you are so conflicted about. You obviously did the right thing in getting this toxic person out of your life. Why all the second-guessing? I guess because I still have feelings for her and I'm hurt to hell she could do this , I still remember all the good stuff I miss her company .. The exciting plans we had the closeness to another human being she was in my life for 6 years I didn't want this she did . its been a massive shock and adjustment . from two people I thought were in love planning a life together to . 1.) I don't love you 2.) I'm going to BU with you in the most callous way 3.) Losing my dog 4.) Having my home we shared gutted 5.) Counting change to buy a loaf of bread . 6.) Having to spend a lot of time on my own not used to this at all 7.) Dealing with the flare up of depression/anxiety Edited November 30, 2014 by Dobie Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted November 30, 2014 Author Share Posted November 30, 2014 Managed to shave today and do my washing ate a sandwhich ..Today was a "good day" . Not been single for 10 + years sat around the house All friends and family busy , tried to read , watch TV ... Future feels black ... Debated reaching out to her to tell her the hell I'm in but didn't 1 week NC although really its been longer the only contact I had last week was texts about getting her stuff . Even after everything I'd still take her back can't stand this grief , anger, hurt, shock ,depression , loneliness . Still can't fathom her thought processes how she could do this why???? Was life together that bad ?????? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 1, 2014 Author Share Posted December 1, 2014 God im sick of this ... The constant questions why, how, i don't understand ... Its like torture i feel in walking around with my whole body bruised ...there must be stuff i can do to help come to terms , heal faster its been 7 weeks !!! she is not upset or missing me so why should i be hurting Link to post Share on other sites
jbear0111 Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Dobie,Whilst my relationship was not as long as yours (2.5),I am going through similar feelings and thoughts. She walked out of the relationship 10 weeks today after i wouldnt give in to her constant pressure and demands for a wedding,babies and buying a house together and what appeared to be conditional love on her side and no compromising. I have been 19 days no contact now and have bad and not so bad days,today is a very bad day. I ruminate to the nth degree about what could have,should have,would have happened and was and am still in love with her or is it the perception of what I though the relationship would be (rose tinted specs). I too want to contact her but realise what she does is none of my business anymore.I heard she has a new bf now and by all accounts and fb pics having the time of her life (she blocked me on everything after she walked out) but a mutual friend told me. That crushed me hence the nc,because its not about her anymore its bout me. I have read as much as i can about getting through this and whilst today im at the bottom of the slope again,I NEED AND WANT to get to that tip. yes it hurts like hell but with help from family,friends and this site,I realise i am not losing my sanity beacuse at times thats what i feel.the power still with her despite not being together Stay strong,even in the bad and dark times because there will be a light at th end of that tunnel Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 1, 2014 Author Share Posted December 1, 2014 jbear so sorry to hear what your going through ... Thank you for your kind words .the thing is i pretty much lived to make her happy but it was never enough in the end she left me because i didn't make her happy ...happiness with her of coruse being different things at different times she was always changing the goalposts . For example she didn't want kids , then when i didn't want kids she wanted them . she wanted to buy a house then worried i would quit my job and leave her to pay the mortgage . i could never prove myself and i could never satisfy her and in the end she blamed me for everything . I read a great article on the cycle of a bdp relationship and it hit me like a ton of bricks it is also common for a bdp'er to leave out of the blue for no valid reason and just disconnect totally very quickly (just like her) i strongly suspect she is a suffering from a lot of bdp symptoms at the high functioning passive agressive type . I don't say this lightly im still not a 100% but there is no doubt in my mind her actions , behaviours and the way she bu with me is not normal or healthy and im not saying that because im hurt even family say the same . i really have to resist the urge to send her the links I've read but im sure she will just fly into a rage . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jbear0111 Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Sounds like our exes were cast from the same stone. My ex changed the goalposts too from when we 1st met to where we ended up.The last year or so has been the most stressful time of my life and this is when i was with her. When am i moving in? When am i putting my house on the market? Put a ring on my finger and im yours,move in and i'll love you forever.Lots of emotional blackmail and because i was so in love with her,i was convincing myself that this is what i wanted to do so as not to lose her. Perhaps i was naive and should have walked away before i got sucked into the belief that she wanted to make it work but as soon as she knew she couldnt just walk all over me,she upped and left.I was broken and still am but gradually trying to piece myself together. I too (from this site) realised she was carrying alot of bpd traits and like you wanted to send her a link and say,look this is who you are and why you did those things but again like you i think i'd be met with extreme hostility or complete silence as she doesnt care Its crap but i know it will get better and will look back in time and think wtf.chin up mate,this place is always a source of inspiration 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 1, 2014 Author Share Posted December 1, 2014 How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A. My relationship pretty much to a "T" . Link to post Share on other sites
jbear0111 Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Havent seen that link but pretty damn similar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 1, 2014 Author Share Posted December 1, 2014 I'm driving myself crazy ... Is she BPD ? Has she left me for another guy ? (Gigs) Has she just fallen out of love like she said ? I want to contact her and demand the truth !!! How the hell are u planning a wedding, declaring undying love then bamm your out no contact for 7 weeks apart from to sort out bills/living arrangements Link to post Share on other sites
jbear0111 Posted December 1, 2014 Share Posted December 1, 2014 Dobie,im feeling the same but i know if i contact her i wont get a response and will make me feel even worse. im barely functioning with the thoughts about whos shes with, what shes doing,if she even thinks let alone cares about me or has she moved on without a care in the world to a new man and has just cut me dead, when a couple of months back she was saying how exciting it will be planning our lives together and how she couldnt live without me. She told me she dealt with previous break ups by cutting the ex dead and burying everything, and theses were to blokes who (allegedly) cheated on het. i expect nothing different tho i was loyal and faithful to her tho i did have my suspicions about her, its the not knowing that cuts deep, im stuck in crap and shes seemingly moved on already.i wont contact her tho,because this is about me now 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 2, 2014 Author Share Posted December 2, 2014 Jbear I read somewhere it doesn't matter why it will only drive "you" crazy . Going through all this is a rollercoaster bro, one minute hurt , one minute , angry , one minute shocked ... Up, down and around lol I keep using this mantra "reject the rejector" Another good tip is who cares what the truth is just believe what you want it helps so in my case MAYBE she is out with another guy , but I prefer to think she is just nuts and her reasons invalid due to her BDP traits . Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 I think the link can describe a lot of relationships not only with BPD people. The love phase where everything is wonderful. You are attentive, loving and "nice". The perfect man. The clinger phase when she realises she is losing you, when the male indifference kicks in, when she is no longer seems to be of any importance to you. Where TV, video games, golf, alcohol seem the bigger priorities. The hate phase when she realises the huge mistake she made ever taking you on. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 2, 2014 Author Share Posted December 2, 2014 (edited) I think the link can describe a lot of relationships not only with BPD people. The love phase where everything is wonderful. You are attentive, loving and "nice". The perfect man. The clinger phase when she realises she is losing you, when the male indifference kicks in, when she is no longer seems to be of any importance to you. Where TV, video games, golf, alcohol seem the bigger priorities. The hate phase when she realises the huge mistake she made ever taking you on. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. No because the article describes HER throughout the relationship in cycles mini and longer I never put anything in front of her there was no bigger priority than her . She was my life , my love my whole world she had no competition from external factors for my attention and affection . I've had 4 LTR and none of them were like my recent X in behaviour during the relationship the intensity , the adulation , the need for grounding , the switch in moods , the paranoia , the black and white thinking the utter emotional disconnect that came out of the blue . Edited December 2, 2014 by Dobie Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 2, 2014 Share Posted December 2, 2014 No because the article describes HER throughout the relationship in cycles mini and longer I never put anything in front of her there was no bigger priority than her . She was my life , my love my whole world she had no competition from external factors for my attention and affection . I've had 4 LTR and none of them were like my recent X in behaviour during the relationship the intensity , the adulation , the need for grounding , the switch in moods , the paranoia , the black and white thinking the utter emotional disconnect that came out of the blue . NO SHE WAS NOT YOUR WHOLE WORLD!!! There's a big ass world outside your door full of amazing things to see and people from different cultures to meet. You NEED to realize that! You are becoming a hermit and locked away in a really dark place. You were me when I was dumped and she left me for someone she was cheating on me with. It took one of my friends to break into my apartment one Friday morning and LITERALLY kidnapped me. Took me away for a long weekend which was much needed. Even though my heart wasn't in it, he forced me to experience new things and meet new people and see amazing sites. It was then that I started to realize that my Ex wasn't my entire world. I just made her that way. I put her on a pedestal and one day she realized she was looking down on me and that's when she lost respect for me and started to walk all over me. THAT'S why it's taking you longer to even feel human again. You did the same thing I did. You CAN get through this. But, YOU HAVE TO FIND THE MOTIVATION! I can't break into your apartment and drag you away. What I STRONGLY suggest is that you make a plan for this weekend and GET AWAY! Take a friend with you. Get out of your current environment and anything that is going to remind you of her. See something new, even if it just an hour or two away from your home. Go somewhere new and take the time to decompress and de-stress. Formulate a gameplan on the positive changes you want to make to your life. Your life isn't over. This book isn't finished. You're just having a hard time turning the page and starting on a new chapter. What you don't realize is that the next chapter in your life might be 10 times better than the one you're leaving behind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 2, 2014 Author Share Posted December 2, 2014 Thanks chi don't worry bro, I am doing things I'm seeing the doc tommorow to see if I can get some counselling . last night I saw a friend for a few hours on Saturday I'm going to see a jazz concert , Friday out with work colleagues . Sun / Mon seeing my bro . I've struggled with eating lost a stone I think (can't weigh myself as she took the scales lol) day to day stuff is hard but I realise its depression the Zoloft is keeping me level . Its the sense of loss and the shock of someone I trusted being so spiteful , hurtful and callous that I'm trying to process . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 3, 2014 Author Share Posted December 3, 2014 (edited) A few thing have been clicking into place over her possible bdp and "sudden" desicion to BU when she got back from Spain ... I was not in a good mood when she first came in as I had some bad news at work (she mentioned this post BU) ... She got I'll again (I've never known someone to get as many colds , headaches,allergy's) so I was keeping away from her for the week she got back, not as many cuddles , hugs etc she was spending the week in her room after getting back from work and was grumpy and irritable to boot ... I posted a joke status on FB after she took out another of her bad moods on me about how great it would be to be single and live with the guys (again she mentioned this post BU) when I left on the Sunday after her bombshell she wanted a cuddle I said no . I broke up with her via FB on the Friday , and after that is when she really started to disengage her feelings from me (proof of rejection?) One of the reasons she cited for thr BU is when I used to pick her up from work I would not be smiling although she said I had amended this behaviour over the last few months .. Now bare in mind my routine was get home from work , do the shopping, walk the dog, Speak to my father and deal with his problems , wash up and then walk back to the station to pick her up get in and cook as well as usually see one of her mood swings when she got in or reassure her for 1-2 hours about her problems at work . What I'm seeing is a pattern a fear of rejection , her lack of trust " do we make each other happy" "you are only bothered because of the financial situation" "how can I be sure you won't do it again" we had a huge ugly fight a year ago in front of her family . How can I trust you to hold down you job (just because I moaned about my job) her fears throughout the relationship always based on a lack of trust . Lack of trust is endemic and at the root of this , again I did everything in my power over the last 6 years to prove myself and hold her trust . but her paranoia and inability to trust now to me seems one of the reasons her constant analysis of the relationship and me /us . ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Things that make me think she might not have bdp ... She never begged me to stay or threatened if I left (but I didn't anyway) No impulsivity Only one occasion of self harm . Things that make me feel she displays bdp behaviours ... Anxious (never happy always waiting for "it" to go wrong) Neurotic Inability to form or hold onto long meaningful friendships (she has one long distance BF) Mood swings Low mood Inability to tolerate criticism of any type Extreme sensitvity (no personal jokes allowed) Mild paranioa and accusatory behaviours Swings between adulation of me and worries fears we are not "right for each other" "do we make each other happy" etc.etc Very limited self introspection Feelings of having nothing too her or about her being boring or uninteresting Lack of trust in financial matters (fears of a conspiracy) Accusations I am manipulative and controlling The constant need to be reassured by me or other important figures An alcoholic father Lack of attention and empathy from parents at times in her life esp adolescence The feeling even her mother doesent like her Complaints that no one is there for her apart from me Victim mentality The need for others or external factors to bring her happiness or fill her void Complete disengagement after the BU no empathy or remorse Projection Hardly ever able or willing to apologise Statements before the BU like I'd kill myself if something happened to you to post BU downplaying and claiming she was just being dramatic Denying things she said or claiming I made them up . I think there is something very WEIRD about the fact post BU she only thinks I'm upset because I now couldn't buy the house or because of her leaving I'm in a difficult financial situation or that I will soon have another GF its like she can't understand or appreciate or believe I'm upset because I loved her . My mother thinks she has been planning this for a while , distancing herself from my family over the last year , making more friends , finally happy at work if she is capable of that would it negate the bdp analysis ? But yet once again only months ago "we are meant to be" " can't wait to get married " "I'd kill myself if anything happened to you " this is all very confusing .... Edited December 3, 2014 by Dobie Link to post Share on other sites
Graceful Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 Dobie, I'm glad you put the word sudden in quotes, because the truth is, it wasn't a sudden decision for her. She has been working up to this break up for a very long time, and you are correct that she didn't pull the plug entirely (the trip to Spain was her final preparatory step) until *she* was ready. It was as though she was getting ready, step by step, building up one reason after another, to end the relationship. This is what some people do, it's more common than you'd ever believe, but there are entire web forums dedicated to this type of behavior and the patterns of behavior that typify the lack of empathy and the ability to practically erase a relationship and a person in a matter of a day, let alone a couple of months. This is why you are left picking up the pieces with such pain and torment, because you had no advance warning, whilst she was preparing for what could have been as much as a year. I don't want to hurt you, but what you're struggling with along with heartbreak from dealing with the loss of a r/l and future with someone you loved, but it's questionable how long ago she began to detach and was living a lie. I used to post here quite a bit and was in a thread with a guy that went through a very similar situation as you are now. He was in such pain, it was palpable. His GF was very insecure, had had many short-term relationships, but since she was very pretty, had no trouble finding a BF. This guy was her first long-term relationship and she was on new territory. Was this your GF's first real long-term serious relationship? Anyhow, when his GF pulled the plug, it was right at the time when he wanted to buy her an engagement ring that he had been saving for. Up until then, she was "all in" with regard to planning a life, a wedding, and looking at rings ... but when he wanted to solidify the engagement with a ring, she ran. It was as though she had been play-acting the entire time, which of course, this guy could not even begin to fathom. All this to say, your GF sounds like a true headcase, but sadly for you, love is blind, and you over looked many of the troubling aspects of her personality for such a long time, that as you said earlier in the thread, you got into a "comfortable rut" and you "normalized" or institutionalized the dysfunction, if you see what I mean. ALL relationships require compromises, but one-side does not a compromise make. I am sorry to say this, but she did not seem to respect you, and seemed also to possess very traditional values re: the fact you did not make as much money as she did, and that you were "okay" with your job, and did not have much zeal to create more of a career for yourself. This would not bother many women, but it certainly bothered your ex-GF and to be frank, it was a red flag you ignored for a long time from the sound of it. There is also a tendency for many people on this forum to drag out relationships like there is no sense of urgency in life. There is. If you are planning a life and a future with someone, you both should be tripping over each other to either get married, or have a true life together without marriage, a true commitment, with similar values, comfort, and support. But if you have both wanted marriage, then a 6-year r/l is just too long to be on the fence. That's not an "engagement" any more. People get engaged as a prelude to marriage, not as a prelude to continue living together indefinitely. When two people are not completely delirious over the thought of marrying each other, wanting to plan a life together, then there is something "off" IMO. If the r/l is stale even before the marriage takes place, then no ring ceremony is going to fix it. Sorry for your pain and that you have the double whammy where you can see that your ex is seemingly walking away completely at ease with her decision and her life. Please remember: this wasn't sudden, not in the least. She is "fine" now because she waited until she was ready and had built up a case against you in her mind, with no turning back. I could say you are lucky to be rid of her, she's not the one for you, but I know that's too simplistic. It hurts to know it was all about her from day one, so in the future, see the red flags and confront them. You've had breakups in the past that did not cause you this depth of pain and disruption, and that should give you a big clue that being with your ex was not your destiny. Take care. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dobie Posted December 3, 2014 Author Share Posted December 3, 2014 Went to the docs today got a referral to a shrink for some CBT so good news . Feel damm angry thinking how much she made me trust her , and then she breaks it and the promises she made !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 GOOD! Priority number one, take care of you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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