Emotional abuse and/or narcissism?

[srah]

I have been dating a man for 6 months and I am beginning to wonder if he is emotionally abusive, a narcissist, or has some other type of personality disorder. In the beginning, he seemed aware of social cues and self-aware when he was acting inappropriately (i.e. disrespectful or mean) but for the past couple of months I have felt like I am on a rollercoaster—vacillating between being in his good graces and being taken for granted.

 

Let me set up a disclaimer to say that he is not pulling away or afraid of commitment. We see each other 3-4 days per week and lately he is the one to call me more and set up dates. He genuinely seems to want to spend a lot of time with me and trusts me (i.e. I have a key to his house). However, if it seems that he is emotionally abusive and/or a narcissist (or some other disordered personality) I do not think that I can invest in a long-term relationship with him.

 

These are the behaviors of concern:

 

He seems to use and disrespect women

 

When we first started dating he told me that he’s broken up with all of his previous girlfriends

 

He told me that he slept with a few dozen prostitutes in Thailand over the course of several trips over a span of a few years

 

He told one of his exes after a year that he wasn’t in love with her but then continued to date her for another 2 years because “there weren’t any better options out there”

 

He told another of his exes that she was too old for him but continued to date her for 2 years before he broke up with her because “she was too old”

 

He brings up my sexual past a lot—often in the form of jokes, but it’s starting to feel belittling—and jokes about me having over 100 partners when that’s not even close to being true

 

His sex drive was high in the beginning but has slowed down to the point where, even if he initiates, he hardly puts any effort into kissing, making out, or foreplay

 

Sex has become more and more about what he wants—which is rough, almost porn-quality in its lack of intimacy. (For example, he likes to hold his body away from me and look at the act of sex or watch himself/us in the mirror.)

 

His idea of sex seems to be either he doing all the “work” or me doing all the “work” but not cooperating together in a simultaneous, passionate act

 

He jokes around about having taken nude photos of me in my sleep

 

His sexual preferences are sadistic but it really seems that he prefers to do things that I don’t want to do—the fact that I show sexual interest and openness seems to mean that he wants to have sex with me less often because there are fewer things that are taboo

 

He pushes away affection

 

He hardly compliments me and he said that he doesn’t like to give compliments

 

He started moving away from me in bed at night after weeks where we seemed to be growing emotionally closer

 

He seems angry without any reason

 

He complains a lot about really petty problems in his life to the point that he doesn’t seem to understand the scale of world problems (i.e. poverty, sickness, etc.) This man is upper middle class and in excellent health. His complaints are usually about the ways in which other people are inadequate or have failed him in some way.

 

He stews about perceived insults he received from strangers days before

 

He shows road rage while driving and cusses out other drivers (fortunately they can’t hear) and even goes so far as to say “I hope she gets cancer” about a bad driver.

 

 

He seems manipulative

 

He has admitted that sometimes he says things he doesn’t even mean to “rile people up” (He especially does this to me—several times to week.) These incidents have led to arguments in the past but then he doesn’t take responsibility for the role in setting up the argument.

 

 

He seems to have a big ego but also be insecure and needing compliments

 

He compliments himself a lot in terms of referencing his manhood size and says things like “I’m awesome!”

 

 

He seems to be low (or lacking) in empathy

 

He often misapprehends any emotion outside of the happy/calm spectrum as “angry”—he doesn’t emotions see in shades of gray (i.e. agitated, concerned, worried,

 

When I have told him stories about other people’s misfortunes or tragedies, he doesn’t seem to respond in an empathetic or concerned way

 

 

He thinks most people are incompetent and that he does things better

 

From how he tells it, he is the smartest guy in his office

 

This is getting too long, so I will wrap this up. Please let me know if you need to know anything else in order to make an assessment.

[Quest]

Does it matter if he is actually 'a narcissist' or has some clinical disorder if he's behaving in the way you say he is? His behaviour is what it is and pretty horrible, wouldn't you say? And isn't that enough to make you reconsider things?

[whichwayisup]

RUN. You need to end this relationship and never look back. This man is going to hurt you badly if you don't get away from him. Narcissist or not, he's displayed awful behaviour and sounds like a shi.tty person overall.

[M30USA]

Does it matter if he is actually 'a narcissist' or has some clinical disorder if he's behaving in the way you say he is? His behaviour is what it is and pretty horrible, wouldn't you say? And isn't that enough to make you reconsider things?

 

Exactly. Sometimes you don't need to know the "why".

[CC12]

However, if it seems that he is emotionally abusive and/or a narcissist (or some other disordered personality) I do not think that I can invest in a long-term relationship with him.

 

Like others have said, it doesn't really matter what his specific mental issue is.

 

Emotionally abusive, yes. Narcissist? Maybe. Other disordered personality? Probably. He sounds like a very sick person. But I hope you won't see that and think that his issues can be fixed since he has a sickness and if only he took therapy he could get better. I mean, that's probably true, he probably could get better if he recognizes his problems and gets help for them. But you should absolutely not stick around waiting and hoping that he'll get better. Not when his behavior is so damaging and unhealthy for you. Look out for yourself first.

 

And, I'm really sorry, but how can you write out that long list of strange and sometimes horrible things that he does and still be questioning whether or not you should stay with him? You know many of those things are very messed up. You shouldn't be with someone like him. You're better off single.

[Taramere]

He does sound as though he has a very narcissistic personality. I don't know how he relayed to you the information about treating previous partners badly, but if he's narcissistic then he was probably boasting about it...and maybe gauging your reactions to test out how likely you'd be to stick around for similar treatment.

 

There's nothing in your list that sounds good. No positive traits mentioned that would balance out this onslaught of unpleasantness. You're not getting genuine intimacy with this guy, you're not getting affection, the sex doesn't sound great (for you)...none of that good stuff that you'd hope for from a relationship is present, so like CC12 I'm having a tough job understanding why you wouldn't find singledom preferable to trying to make a relationship work with somebody who is so unrewarding to be in a relationship with and who doesn't sound remotely invested in trying to become a better person/partner.

 

It can only get worse really. It's probably best to cut your losses now.

[NoMoreJerks]

OMG, OP, I am seriously starting to wonder if you are dating my ex. SERIOUSLY!

 

Anyway, my only advice is, RUN for the HILLS.

[bathtub-row]

You're involved with a verbal/physical abuser. It's just a matter of time before his real "charm" fully comes to the surface. Like everyone else has said, run for the hills.

 

A small caveat here if you do leave. Be prepared for an Oscar-winning performance from him about a) how shocked he is, b) how indifferent he is, or c) how sorry he is and how he will become a better person. You will begin to get late-night, drunk-dial calls - complete with tears and remorse. You will start to see this cold, unemotional ice cube suddenly become the epiphany of heart and soul. It is all an act. It will have nothing to do with anything except that he 100% hates being abandoned and this is his absolute worst fear. So, when you leave, he will pull out all the stops. Do not be fooled by this. Run, escape, get away. Do not collect $200 and do not pass Go. Do not give him another chance, do not marry him and, above all else, do not have kids with this guy. His behavior is completely abnormal and is not something to be taken lightly or overlooked. You're very smart to start questioning the signs very early on. You'll be even smarter when you walk away.

 

It is not possible for him to change and be a better person. He is broken, 100%. Despite whatever his sad story is about why he is the way he is, you should not subject yourself to this kind of relationship. It has a lifetime of misery written all over it.

 

Just curious, what did you mean about sadistic sex?

[An0nymiss666]

Sounds like one of my exes too! RUN. RUN AWAY AND NEVER RETURN.

 

My ex was nothing but a loser yet he was so quick to put everyone else down because he could do no wrong of course. If he hasn't started directing some of this behavior at you, then he will start to. Always directing things at you because of his own insecurities and shortcomings, whether he knows it or not. Walking around all high and mighty like he has power over something, for what? Why? Just act like a normal human being.

 

Also agree with the last poster above, 100% he WILL put on the act of a lifetime. When I got fed up with my ex he literally CRIED tears to me about how he's a jerk and he felt soooo terrible about how he treated me. I was a complete idiot and stuck around only to dump his ass again a few months later. For GOOD. Best thing I've ever done.

 

It's good that you're recognizing this now. Leave before it gets really difficult. If he isn't already he WILL become manipulating. Indirectly/directly it doesn't matter. He will indirectly make you feel like you need to stay with him and will continue this ridiculous behavior of putting people down and making himself all high and mighty, and soon this will be directed at you so you begin to idolize him.

 

It will not change. It will not be worth it. Ever. It will NOT get better. If you're having these doubts and issues now, imagine how much worse it will get!

[lizzygirl]

I really believe I was meant to read your post this evening and I guess, in turn, meant to give you some reassurance. It is easy for those on the outside looking in to say "run" or "what the heck else do you need to find out already?" It is way harder, almost impossible, when you are the one involved in it to have this objectivity and clarity. As a matter of fact, I didn't even realize the depth of my won narc BF until I read your very detailed list. My mind has not been clear enough to be able to list it all out like that. My head is so jumbled. Which leads me to believe that you are at a healthier level of "escape." Your clarity of the situation leads me to believe that you are not fully emotionally invested and manipulated yet, which means you can get away! As you should! As I should!

 

Yes, yes and yes your man is a true narc if there ever was one. The very, very hard part to believe and accept is that they do not get better. They are fundamentally lacking emotions that they will never have. It cannot be taught. It cannot be intravenously administered. It is as if he was born without an arm or leg - one will not magically grown in its place. Counseling, arguing, giving more love in hopes of change, etc. is like trying to speak french to someone who speaks spanish - he will just never understand it or comprehend. He is not equipped to do so.

 

Your only option - you guessed it - run, very fast. My gut told me to do so 2 years ago and I ignored it. Don't make the mistake I did and tell yourself that he is just going through a lot, he can't help it, relationships are hard and I should hang in there, after all people give up too quickly these days, he really loves me deep down but has a hard time showing it, or, as he told me once before, no one will ever want me, etc....Find someone who loves you in a healthy way. This is toxic and will only lead to more heartache.

[elaine567]

This man is scary - RUN

 

Dark triad - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - the dark triad

The dark tetrad= the dark triad +sadism.

[elaine567]

Lots of videos on YOUtube re all aspects of abuse and narcissism - I suggest you watch them.

[srah]

Thank you for all of you who said to run away from this guy. He actually broke up with me in a very abrupt and hurtful manner 2 weeks ago. I still feel the strings that tie me emotionally to him though and wish I could cut them off. When I am more clear-headed I will write another list of abusive things he did so that readers can recognize qualities of concern in their own mates.

 

Here are just a few:

 

He called my cat "c*nt face" and joked about my roommate molesting her and her dying

 

He said "Just don't get fat!" when I ate desserts and was upset when I told him to stop

 

He often made thoughtless remarks and then seemed offended (!) when I took offense (i.e. referring to my money issues in front of his friends, cutting me down, criticizing me, telling me I didn't make good choices in my life, minimizing my accomplishments, etc.)

 

I just want to clarify that he did good things as well: he compromised on doing things I liked, called me every day we weren't together, took me out a lot, gave me a closet in his house, and (sometimes) dropped his guard and was very affectionate and (almost) loving. But there was an undercurrent of dark energy to this guy the whole time...

 

Thank you elaine567 for posting the link to the Dark Triad qualities. It validates what I had been wondering for a long time. I had actually looked those up before!

 

Thank you everyone for the support you have given here. I am so grateful to this forum: it has been an invaluable resource for my healing.

Edited January 14, 2015 by srah

[BC1980]

I just want to clarify that he did good things as well: he compromised on doing things I liked, called me every day we weren't together, took me out a lot, gave me a closet in his house, and (sometimes) dropped his guard and was very affectionate and (almost) loving. But there was an undercurrent of dark energy to this guy the whole time...

 

You described my ex, and I had a h*ll of a time getting emotionally detached from him. It was an effing nightmare at times. A word of advice. Don't get caught up on the good because most people do have good in them. My ex could be very charming, and he would take me on trips and pay for my gas, car repairs, stuff like that. However, it wasn't consistent. It sounds the same with your ex. With my ex, there was always this constant pattern of him not accepting me, minimizing how I felt, and general insecurity in the relationship. I often felt unable to voice my opinions or wants/needs due to his minimizing anything I felt/wanted. IMO, there are no amount of all expense paid for trips that can offset that uneasy feeling. It got to the point that I felt unable to watch certain TV shows or listen to certain music because he disapproved. It was effed up to say the least.

 

You will probably go back and forth a lot and often wonder if he really was that bad. Trust your gut instincts. He was that bad. Whenever you doubt, go back to your gut instincts and support yourself. You'll make it through this.

[srah]

You described my ex, and I had a h*ll of a time getting emotionally detached from him. It was an effing nightmare at times. A word of advice. Don't get caught up on the good because most people do have good in them. My ex could be very charming, and he would take me on trips and pay for my gas, car repairs, stuff like that. However, it wasn't consistent. It sounds the same with your ex. With my ex, there was always this constant pattern of him not accepting me, minimizing how I felt, and general insecurity in the relationship. I often felt unable to voice my opinions or wants/needs due to his minimizing anything I felt/wanted. IMO, there are no amount of all expense paid for trips that can offset that uneasy feeling. It got to the point that I felt unable to watch certain TV shows or listen to certain music because he disapproved. It was effed up to say the least.

 

You will probably go back and forth a lot and often wonder if he really was that bad. Trust your gut instincts. He was that bad. Whenever you doubt, go back to your gut instincts and support yourself. You'll make it through this.

 

You are right. I go back and forth in my head all the time (now that we are broken up) if he was really that bad. I asked him once if he thought he was narcissistic and he said no, that he is painfully aware of his shortcomings. But he still acted in all of these classic narc ways. It's painful for me because I saw red flags in the beginning and did not end it then. How does a person ever learn to trust their gut regarding these things?

[Jewels7]

What you will need to do is keep reading on here, write a list of stuff he has done wrong and keep re reading it. I left my ex 8 months ago (manipulative, didn't respect me, painfully roughhoused until I would end up crying, etc). I still love him and it is the hardest thing I've ever done. But like another poster said... Don't forget that gut feeling. Being this far out I've let that feeling slide a lot. It might get harder before it gets better, but trust me. That is not the man you want at all.

[BC1980]

You are right. I go back and forth in my head all the time (now that we are broken up) if he was really that bad. I asked him once if he thought he was narcissistic and he said no, that he is painfully aware of his shortcomings. But he still acted in all of these classic narc ways. It's painful for me because I saw red flags in the beginning and did not end it then. How does a person ever learn to trust their gut regarding these things?

 

That is such a good question, but I honestly think that you have to get your self-esteem to a point that you are willing to trust your gut. You have to be willing to walk when you see those red flags, and many people are simply not willing to leave the person. I certainly wasn't willing to leave, and I constantly made excuses for the poor treatment. Possibly, it takes some sort of "epiphany relationship" to truly understand the unhealthy dynamic and be willing to leave next time. But we all know those people who keep getting themselves involved in bad relationships, and we simply shake our heads.

 

When your self-esteem is damaged, you are ripe for these types of entanglements. It's difficult for people to understand who haven't been in this type of abusive situation, and I do call it abuse. 100% I was in an emotionally/verbally abusive situation. Going back and forth is so normal because you are not used to trusting your gut instinct. You have been manipulated to the point that you really don't trust YOU anymore. My ex minimized and demeaned my opinions so badly that I was downright scared to even have an opinion. It's taken me this past year to truly figure out what my beliefs are and to get behind myself.

 

I would stay away from dating until you get to a place where you can fully trust yourself again. Someone else mentioned making a list of the emotional abuse and narc behavior. I wholeheartedly agree because you are a place where you simply cannot be objective. I made a list, and it was a long list. I still look at that list, and, each time I read it, I can't believe I put up with that cr@p. It reminds me that I'm not crazy, and I always tell myself, "I was in the relationship, and I know what happened. My opinion counts, and the way I feel/felt counts."

[BC1980]

What you will need to do is keep reading on here, write a list of stuff he has done wrong and keep re reading it. I left my ex 8 months ago (manipulative, didn't respect me, painfully roughhoused until I would end up crying, etc). I still love him and it is the hardest thing I've ever done. But like another poster said... Don't forget that gut feeling. Being this far out I've let that feeling slide a lot. It might get harder before it gets better, but trust me. That is not the man you want at all.

 

I don't know why, but we tend to remember the good in the beginning. I know I did. I idolized my ex. I tried to do any and everything to get him to accept me, but it was never enough. What a miserable way to live. That gut feeling was there from the beginning for me. I felt that he lacked empathy, that something was off and not connecting emotionally between him and other people. It's not something I could always quantify.

[elaine567]

- "Dont Get Fooled Again" Red Flags of Narcissist Relationships

and

- 15 Traits of People Pleaser Syndrome (in 15 minutes) - why you are open to abuse by these type of men. Edited January 18, 2015 by elaine567

[srah]

He also twisted my emotions so now I regret about my behavior throughout the relationship. Feelings of "If only I had said...." which of course makes me feel responsible for what happened.

 

He never said "I love you" until he whispered it a week before he ended the relationship. I was 95% sure he said it but not 100% so I didn't reciprocate. When he broke up with me, I said I loved him and he asked "Why didn't you say that a week ago?" I explained that I wasn't sure of his feelings and hadn't wanted him to feel pressure. He said that he didn't think I really loved him and he didn't trust my feelings because (in his words) I had used my sexuality in the past to get things from men. (I was a hostess in a high end private club but never dated the clients.) I had never dated men for money and he was aware of that.

 

Then he was angry and said we should just stop pretending. (I was not pretending!!) He said this would never be a "great love." He he feared the relationship was "convenient" for me in terms of his house and resources. He said that I "took everything he would give me." I was mortally offended as nothing could be further from the truth.

 

The fact that I regret not saying things on my part makes it so much harder to move on...but is it crazy that I even worry about this? Wouldn't a "healthy" man be glad to hear that you love him regardless of when you say it?

 

Is this gaslighting? It makes me turn things around in my head and gives me a feeling in my gut like I did something wrong...

Edited January 21, 2015 by srah

[BC1980]

He also twisted my emotions so now I regret about my behavior throughout the relationship. Feelings of "If only I had said...." which of course makes me feel responsible for what happened.

The fact that I regret not saying things on my part makes it so much harder to move on...but is it crazy that I even worry about this? Wouldn't a "healthy" man be glad to hear that you love him regardless of when you say it?

 

Is this gaslighting? It makes me turn things around in my head and gives me a feeling in my gut like I did something wrong...

 

I had so much I wish I had said. So much. But you know what, even if I had stood up to him, he would have turned it around on me. He had no capacity to understand another person's viewpoint. One thing you've really got to do now is to trust what you know happened in the relationship. The problem is that you are not used to trusting your gut instinct, and you have bought into his version of events. So you're at a big time disadvantage and basically playing catch up. The only thing that is going to help you is time away from him, which will give you objectivity and help you emotionally detach.

 

I feel like I was gaslighted too. I'll never forget when my ex wrote me this beautiful card, saying how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. He laid it on thick, almost too good to be true. One week later, he was talking on the phone to a family member and said we were "thinking about getting married." He basically said the card didn't really mean he was sure he wanted to get married even though he said, in the card, that he couldn't wait to propose to me. It was in writing, and he still turned it around to make me look like I had misinterpreted it. The sad part is that I just accepted it and didn't bring it up again. I could give you so many more examples that are similar.

 

Look, these people are manipulators, and they prey on "weak" people. By weak, I mean people with no boundaries. It's like a power trip to them. They are always right, and it's always you who has misinterpreted something. I wouldn't even attempt to reason with someone like this, and they absolutely know what they are doing. My ex kept a document on his computer about me that I found and would look at over the years. It was basically this sick little run down of my physical appearance, education, and what amounted to a pros/cons list. In the document, he wrote that he felt I had low self-esteem and that is why I wanted to be with him and his son. He knew I had low self-esteem and weak boundaries from the start, and he used it against me. He wanted to bend me to his will, and he ultimately broke my spirit by the time he discarded me like trash. ALWAYS trust what you know happened. You didn't trust yourself in the relationship, but you have to trust yourself now. You will be fine again one day, but it will take some time. It's a big wound that has to heal, but you will make it out if you begin to trust yourself again.

[elaine567]

 

Look, these people are manipulators, and they prey on "weak" people. By weak, I mean people with no boundaries. It's like a power trip to them. They are always right, and it's always you who has misinterpreted something. I wouldn't even attempt to reason with someone like this, and they absolutely know what they are doing. My ex kept a document on his computer about me that I found and would look at over the years. It was basically this sick little run down of my physical appearance, education, and what amounted to a pros/cons list. In the document, he wrote that he felt I had low self-esteem and that is why I wanted to be with him and his son. He knew I had low self-esteem and weak boundaries from the start, and he used it against me. He wanted to bend me to his will, and he ultimately broke my spirit by the time he discarded me like trash. ALWAYS trust what you know happened. You didn't trust yourself in the relationship, but you have to trust yourself now. You will be fine again one day, but it will take some time. It's a big wound that has to heal, but you will make it out if you begin to trust yourself again.

 

Yes they do not tend to choose strong, independent, supremely confident women who do not care a damn. They choose loving, caring, people pleasers with low self confidence that they can love bomb and then ultimately control and send crazy.

Even if on the surface a woman appears strong and confident, the narcissist will suss out her weaknesses, work on them until she starts questioning both herself, her decisions and even her own sanity. Toxic.