Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 (edited) But to me it would be a problem going to a club/bar & basically acting like you're single when you have a boyfriend. I don't see how going out to a club is "basically acting like you're single" but okay. If a guy asked you to dance without your boyfriend around, would you? No, I would say I had a boyfriend. Or if they offered you a drink, would you accept it? I would tell them I had a boyfriend and wasn't interested but thanks anyway - as I've done many times in the past. Some guys are even willing to still buy the drink after I've said that despite my making it clear nothing would happen between us. If they persist, yep, I'd take it unless I was uncomfortable. Is it seriously that hard for some women to say NO? I really don't think so. Clubs/bars are absolutely not the right environment if you're in a relationship. Yeah, sure if you're a compulsive whore who has zero self-control or respect for your partner - this goes for either sex by the way. It's filled with guys looking for hook ups. So? The world is filled with guys looking for a hookup. STARBUCKS is 'filled with guys looking for a hookup'. That's their prerogative, but it isn't mind to give and satisfy them Responses in bold. And didn't you make a post a few days ago, pretty sure it was you anyway, that said you were with a guy on a date at a bar & you kept getting hit on right in front of him? Than he took it out on you basically. So yeah, not exactly the best place to be while in a relationship. Yes but guys are going to hit on me regardless so short of wearing a Burka or never leaving my house there isn't really anything I can do about that. The guy I was on a date with was upset, yes, but he isn't my boyfriend and regardless of how the other guys were hitting on me behaved, I still carried myself well and made it clear exactly who I was with - which despite his initial pouting, my date eventually recognized and appreciated and he got over it after a few days. I'm not saying it's a good idea to go out clubbing and drinking every weekend when you're in a relationship but never? To put those kinds of restrctions on one's partner, or even to have to put them on yourself is a bit ridiculous. I don't know, maybe there are a lot of people out there who act like animals and don't know how not to give into their baser instincts but I'm not one of them. Edited November 16, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Coe Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Yep, and she has a problem with Alcohol... the lies are also manifested from that.. she isn't a normal 25 year old who goes out and has a few with her friends, she drinks to the point of not being able to get home and lies.. those are traits showing she has a problem with Alcohol. By the way.. in my state being in a car with your keys passed out earns your a DUI. I would take the opinion of the OP as to how drunk she gets with a major pinch of salt. A teetotaller isn't a good judge of how much is too much to drink. People have weird opinions about what going to a club is for. Guys might go out to get girls though personally I go to have fun with my friends, girls can spot the sleazy guy who is just out to pick up a mile away. Women I believe like to dance and drink... Perhaps we should burn them at the stake for wanting to have a good time? Maybe your social life should stop when you are in a relationship... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Coe Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 But to me it would be a problem going to a club/bar & basically acting like you're single when you have a boyfriend. If a guy asked you to dance without your boyfriend around, would you? Or if they offered you a drink, would you accept it? Clubs/bars are absolutely not the right environment if you're in a relationship. It's filled with guys looking for hook ups. And even if you go with your boyfriend, how do you think it would feel for him if guys keep hitting on you right in front of him even knowing he's with you. He just has to sit back & take all of that because if he says anything he'd be seen as insecure, but if he doesn't than he's seen as a bitch basically. Trust me, a lot of guys deep down would be bothered by that even if they don't admit it/show it. Girls with boyfriends usually dance with each other from what I've seen. If a girl offered to buy me a drink and I was in a relationship I would tell them I was taken but if they were still wanting to buy me a drink I would accept and buy them one back later. If my gf wasn't getting hit on the second I disappeared to the toilet I would be disappointed, my gf's are generally hot and make a lot of effort for a night out. If someone offers to buy them a drink I would be find with that. I wouldn't feel the need to start a fight unless they were a bit to touchy with her. Bars/clubs are social places to go to have fun at, they aren't brothels or places you only go to when you want to find a someone to sleep with. As far as I know I've only been cheated on once and it wasn't the result of a simple night out at a club. But I trust the girl I'm with to do the right thing and think im pretty good at picking the kind of girls that don't need other guys to be hitting on them for validation. I'm also not bitter about being mistreated by someone from my past etc like a lot of people on here seem to be. I think I've been treated very well by my ex's and am still friends with one or two of them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Responses in bold. Yes but guys are going to hit on me regardless so short of wearing a Burka or never leaving my house there isn't really anything I can do about that. The guy I was on a date with was upset, yes, but he isn't my boyfriend and regardless of how the other guys were hitting on me behaved, I still carried myself well and made it clear exactly who I was with - which despite his initial pouting, my date eventually recognized and appreciated and he got over it after a few days. I'm not saying it's a good idea to go out clubbing and drinking every weekend when you're in a relationship but never? To put those kinds of restrctions on one's partner, or even to have to put them on yourself is a bit ridiculous. I don't know, maybe there are a lot of people out there who act like animals and don't know how not to give into their baser instincts but I'm not one of them. Well, true if you're only going every so often & not getting drunk every time it's not that bad. But there's some who do it every single week. So that tells me they want to almost act like their single if they want to go to a place like that without their boyfriend/girlfriend around & getting drunk & dance with random men/women. I wouldn't want to be worrying about what she's doing if I'm not there & she got too drunk & would have poor judgment. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the excuse of "I was drunk, I didn't mean for it to happen." I just personally don't see bars/clubs to be the type of place people in relationships should be going to, especially without their partner around. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 (edited) I would take the opinion of the OP as to how drunk she gets with a major pinch of salt. A teetotaller isn't a good judge of how much is too much to drink. what are you talking about, I've been sober longer than you have been on this earth.. or close to it.. I don't have a problem with people drinking, my wife drinks, but socially and many members in my family drink but they don't pass out in peoples cars either. The OP's GF clearly has a problem with Alcohol, how much.. that I couldn't tell you, is she an Alcoholic.. I have no idea from what he posted but she does clearly have some issues and needs to either stop drinking or seriously look at what she is doing.. The OP on the other had needs to decide if her lying due to her Alcohol issues is acceptable or a deal breaker... He needs to know her honesty isn't going to get better but worse as her drinking increases.. Edited November 16, 2014 by Art_Critic Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Girls with boyfriends usually dance with each other from what I've seen. If a girl offered to buy me a drink and I was in a relationship I would tell them I was taken but if they were still wanting to buy me a drink I would accept and buy them one back later. If my gf wasn't getting hit on the second I disappeared to the toilet I would be disappointed, my gf's are generally hot and make a lot of effort for a night out. If someone offers to buy them a drink I would be find with that. I wouldn't feel the need to start a fight unless they were a bit to touchy with her. Bars/clubs are social places to go to have fun at, they aren't brothels or places you only go to when you want to find a someone to sleep with. As far as I know I've only been cheated on once and it wasn't the result of a simple night out at a club. But I trust the girl I'm with to do the right thing and think im pretty good at picking the kind of girls that don't need other guys to be hitting on them for validation. I'm also not bitter about being mistreated by someone from my past etc like a lot of people on here seem to be. I think I've been treated very well by my ex's and am still friends with one or two of them. Sorry, but a guy doesn't offer to buy a random woman at a club/bar a drink unless he wants something from her. He's at the very least attracted to her & wants to start a conversation with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Coe Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 what are you talking about, I've been sober longer than you have been on this earth.. I don't have a problem with people drinking, my wife drinks, but socially and many members in my family drink but they don't pass out in peoples cars either. The OP's GF clearly has a problem with Alcohol, how much.. that I couldn't tell you, is she an Alcoholic.. I have no idea from what he posted but she does clearly have some issues and needs to either stop drinking or seriously look at what she is doing.. The OP on the other had needs to decide if her lying due to her Alcohol issues is acceptable or a deal breaker... He needs to know her honesty isn't going to get better but worse as her drinking increases.. I have no idea what you are talking about, the teetotaller I was talking about is the OP. We only have what he says about her drinking to go on and as he doesn't drink at all I can't take from his opinion that his gf has a problem with alcohol... She sounds like a perfectly normal girl in her 20's to me. I'm not sure why you know my age or why that even matters at all either. You seem to be looking at this through the lenses of your past experience with alcohol, but the vast majority of people can go out on a Saturday night, get drunk then forget about it for a week til they next see their friends. Imo I would lie to the OP about it too as he sounds very judgemental about behavious he perceives as being wrong. If he was less uptight he may find his gf would include him in her fun. As it stands though they aren't compatibile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Coe Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Sorry, but a guy doesn't offer to buy a random woman at a club/bar a drink unless he wants something from her. He's at the very least attracted to her & wants to start a conversation with her. Why are you sorry? And who cares what he wants? We aren't cavemen anymore, he isn't going to hit her with his club and drag her by the ankles to his sheepskin bed... I don't see the issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Why are you sorry? And who cares what he wants? We aren't cavemen anymore, he isn't going to hit her with his club and drag her by the ankles to his sheepskin bed... I don't see the issue. I'm just saying it would be disrespectful if they were to accept the drink whether you're there or not since you know exactly what the guy wants, unless the woman is too clueless about it. Guy buying woman drink = interest. Woman excepts the drink of a guy with interest = disrespectful towards partner. Only time it would be okay is if the guy is a mutual friend of both. But if it's some random stranger than yeah it's disrespectful. Link to post Share on other sites
Coe Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 I'm just saying it would be disrespectful if they were to accept the drink whether you're there or not since you know exactly what the guy wants, unless the woman is too clueless about it. Guy buying woman drink = interest. Woman excepts the drink of a guy with interest = disrespectful towards partner. I disagree. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 You seem to be looking at this through the lenses of your past experience with alcohol, but the vast majority of people can go out on a Saturday night, get drunk then forget about it for a week til they next see their friends. So the vast amount of people in their mid 20's get so drunk they pass out in peoples cars.. seriously... Of course my past colors my advice.. but as an Alcoholic.. and one that lied while I was drinking about my drinking and I WAS in my 20's when I was drinking, I'm trying to give the OP my opinion based from my experiences.. I haven't addressed the OP's issues as this thread was about her drinking and lying, he is the one looking for advice not his GF... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 I disagree. How come? You're entitled toward your opinion of course, it's just I strongly disagree with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Coe Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 How come? You're entitled toward your opinion of course, it's just I strongly disagree with it. Ive bought plenty of drinks for girls I wasn't interested in just because we had a pleasant chat while waiting to be served. I've also been bought drinks by girls who have gone on to tell me about their boyfriends. If a guy just outright walks up to you and asks to buy you a drink then yes he is interested but you accepting doesn't mean that you are interested back or that you are being disrespectful to anyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Coe Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 So the vast amount of people in their mid 20's get so drunk they pass out in peoples cars.. seriously... I haven't addressed the OP's issues as this thread was about her drinking and lying, he is the one looking for advice not his GF... Yes to the first part, though going to someone's car to sleep it off isn't the same as passing out, she isn't exactly lying in the street in a pool of her own vomit and feces. The OP is the one causing the issues from what I can see. If she came on looking to find out about her drinking problem I would give her advice but I don't think she has a problem and clearly neither does she. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Ive bought plenty of drinks for girls I wasn't interested in just because we had a pleasant chat while waiting to be served. I've also been bought drinks by girls who have gone on to tell me about their boyfriends. If a guy just outright walks up to you and asks to buy you a drink then yes he is interested but you accepting doesn't mean that you are interested back or that you are being disrespectful to anyone. Well, to each their own. I'd personally find it disrespectful if a girl I'm with did that to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Coe Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Well, to each their own. I'd personally find it disrespectful if a girl I'm with did that to me. I can see why some might think that. But my experience tells me otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 I don't think she has a problem and clearly neither does she. Do they ever? No.. not till they hit rock bottom. As for OP, he basically just met her, I'd back off the controlling/passive aggressive behavior, and I'd move on to someone more compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 I'd move on to someone more compatible. In the end, no matter how it shakes out this is the main issue and the best resolution.. compatibility.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Coe Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Do they ever? No.. not till they hit rock bottom. As for OP, he basically just met her, I'd back off the controlling/passive aggressive behavior, and I'd move on to someone more compatible. Not sure who "they" are. Are we seriously trying to say this girl is an alcoholic from the first post here? Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 I think the lying is reflection of her character, even if the purpose of the lies are to avoid conflict with a controlling boyfriend. Instead of talking to you about boundaries and expectations in your relationship, instead of being upfront with you about her plans for the night, she does what she wants and then lies about it. Not a good prospect for a relationship, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Well, to each their own. I'd personally find it disrespectful if a girl I'm with did that to me. Are you talking about the woman you are with in a club accepting a drink from another man, who didn't offer to buy you one, while you were standing there? Yeah, that is bad bar etiquette. However, if some guy buys your lady a drink when you are not there & all she does is talk to the bloke for a few minutes that's not a grave sin. Usually in a situation like that I would comment on the guy's beverage choice by comparing it to what my BF/husband drinks. It's a subtle way of setting a boundary. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Are you talking about the woman you are with in a club accepting a drink from another man, who didn't offer to buy you one, while you were standing there? Yeah, that is bad bar etiquette. However, if some guy buys your lady a drink when you are not there & all she does is talk to the bloke for a few minutes that's not a grave sin. Usually in a situation like that I would comment on the guy's beverage choice by comparing it to what my BF/husband drinks. It's a subtle way of setting a boundary. I just disagree. No woman should be accepting drinks from a guy she does not know if she has a boyfriend. Like I said, that guy obviously would have interest, and you would be accepting something from a guy that has obvious interest in you. I just have the mindset of why bother chatting with some guy that is interested in you unless you just want the attention/validation from some guy. I guess we just see it differently. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 I just disagree. No woman should be accepting drinks from a guy she does not know if she has a boyfriend. Like I said, that guy obviously would have interest, and you would be accepting something from a guy that has obvious interest in you. I just have the mindset of why bother chatting with some guy that is interested in you unless you just want the attention/validation from some guy. I guess we just see it differently. I guess I just like to talk to people. I have taken several of those encounters & turned them into introductions -- I'll make sure those guys meet my single friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 If she can lie to you, if she can put herself in risky situations drunk, if she can conveniently loose contact with you she can do much worse. She is showing you who she is and if this is not the type of woman want to be in a relationship with than end it. You can't change who she is, you can't control her actions when she's out with her friends so why are you holding on to her? Take your time and find someone more compatible with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 OP is probably gone but, in case he comes back, why in the hell are you clinging to this relationship? Four months is about the time it takes to start knowing the kind of person you are dating really is. It sounds like she could be an alcoholic at worst and a binge-drinking liar at best. Either way, there is no way you should be putting up with this level of drama. Move on - there's plenty of girls out there and you should try to date them all. Link to post Share on other sites
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