Immense guilt over rejection

[Lernaean_Hydra]

About 4 years ago this guy and I became really good friends. He was smart, well read, good looking, etc. Total package. We spent hours together or talking on the phone about everything. Of course, about a 1.5yrs into the friendship I realized I had feelings for him, strong ones. I thought I was in love with him! He knew this but he didn't reciprocate. At all. It stung a lot but I understood. He was athletic, attractive and had his pick of women, I was fat, depressed and just really not his type. Naively a part of me held out a little hope but eventually I realized I was being ridiculous so I took a break in order to process and fully cope. And then one day I was completely over him.

 

When I re-initiated contact we got along just as well, even better in fact because there wasn't that undercurrent of unrequited love anymore. I was in the process of losing weight and generally working on myself and he was travelling so we both underwent some changes. Anyway, fast-forward 2 years later. I'd lost weight, changed my attitude, blah, blah, blah. A couple months ago he starts intimating he has feelings for me. I was shocked but figured it was just some temporary confusion because we'd both changed so much. I decided to give him some space to sort himself out. It backfired.

 

He sent me this long letter detailing the progression of his feelings for me and how he realizes now how deeply they run. How he started out thinking of me as strictly a friend and nothing more to how in the last 9 months or so he's found his thoughts continuing to turn to me out of nowhere. That finds himself constantly picturing a life with me and wanting to marry me (he'd been married before and previously said he would NEVER do it again) and start a family.

 

I was speechless. He is absolutely not that kind of guy. Love letters and putting himself out there like that are totally not his style. Three years ago I would have DIED to hear him say these things but I just can't reciprocate now. I've told him as much as gently as possible but he's very hurt. Now I'm wracked with guilt. I actually feel sick and anxious whenever I hear from him because because he seems so...dejected and I feel so guilty for not liking him back. Ugh.

[endlessabyss]

Did he feel guilty when he rejected you?

 

 

I don't understand why you would feel guilty.

[preraph]

When is the last time you two actually saw each other? Because no one really knows anything until they see how they are face to face. If you have never met this guy, then I think you should and just see. His feelings may fade or yours may grow. It might be good for both of you.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Did he feel guilty when he rejected you?

 

I don't understand why you would feel guilty.

 

I have no idea. I mean, maybe a little bit because he was really gentle with me for a while after I told him I was having some intense feelings for him beyond just friendship but it was never like he gave me a firm rejection so I have no idea.

 

It's hard to explain why I feel guilty but I guess it's because like I said, he's really not the kind of guy to get all emotional and start professing his love for someone like that. He's very stoic so I know he basically made himself really vulnerable only to get shut down.

 

When is the last time you two actually saw each other? Because no one really knows anything until they see how they are face to face. If you have never met this guy, then I think you should and just see. His feelings may fade or yours may grow. It might be good for both of you.

 

I saw him a few weeks ago. Yeah he's not some internet stranger.

[candie13]

this summer I've learnt a huge lesson: we are the ONLY people responsible for the feelings we develop. Of course, we see a beautiful person in front of us and we get attracted. But how we actually manage that attraction is our own doing.

 

Feelings are to be allowed only after behaviour and facts are there, as proof of reality. Anything else is nothing but our imagination. Practically living inside our own head, in a fantasy. That is extremely dangerous because you are projecting yourself living with a person you don't even know. It is the dream, it's not the person. That is selfish and immature and toxic. It always always backfires. Women do that a lot, btw - living inside their own fantasies with... practically sexy strangers they hope would act and say exactly what women want. What are the chances of that actually happening ?

 

Men are very factual. She likes me? She'll go out with me. She really likes me? She'll sleep with me. Etc etc. Facts. No projection. She rejected me? ok, next chick. She likes me? She'll give me her phone number. etc.

 

While I understand that your situation is a lot more complex because you two are friends... you are not in a relationship. You owe nothing to anyone. Sorry.

 

He is a big boy, he will understand it. My advice to you: manage those feelings and do not make yourself responsible for how other people manage theirs. It's their demons to fight. if you interfere, you'll only hurt him more. If indeed you are not interested, be firm and give him space. No mixed signals. Clarity. That is the biggest favor you can do for him. Manage this properly and maybe you can save your friendship.

 

Best of luck !

Edited November 16, 2014 by candie13

[Ronni_W]

Lernaean_Hydra,

Not to diminish or discount, but...what is your difference between feeling guilty about and feeling compassion for?

Would you be experiencing feelings in this 'spectrum', if he had this exact same experience, but with someone else?

 

On the other side, you are keeping him in a box, based on how he used to be (or how you used to perceive him to be). That he has grown and is now more capable and confident to express his deeper feelings is a good thing for him.

 

Also, your guilt feelings may be working to make you feel a more integral part of what he is going through, than may be necessary or accurate. It's really just a growth experience for him. That he has such a compassionate friend as you to help him through it, is his blessing.

You can as easily feel appreciation for yourself, instead of guilt. Perhaps?

[kolleamm]

Why don't you feel the same for him anymore I don't understand? Maybe you only liked him because you thought he was out of reach.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Lernaean_Hydra,

Not to diminish or discount, but...what is your difference between feeling guilty about and feeling compassion for?

Would you be experiencing feelings in this 'spectrum', if he had this exact same experience, but with someone else?

 

Well no, because I personally wouldn't have been the catalyst for those feelings nor would I know the easiest way to stop him from feeling like this. I mean, sure because he's my friend I'd feel empathy for him but I certainly wouldn't been feeling sick over it.

 

That he has such a compassionate friend as you to help him through it, is his blessing.

You can as easily feel appreciation for yourself, instead of guilt. Perhaps?

 

Well if I could easily change my feelings..........

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Why don't you feel the same for him anymore I don't understand? Maybe you only liked him because you thought he was out of reach.

 

No, I stopped liking him while he was still well beyond my reach. I had to work really hard to get over my feelings for him plus it was years ago.

 

I think half of me doesn't want to backtrack and wind up undoing all the work I did to stop feeling the way I did about him and the other half of me recognizes that we are inherently incompatible and so I'm not interested. Plus, he - apparently - wants marriage and kids now (two things he was vehemently against when we first met) and I'm totally not ready for that at all.

[Thegreatestthing]

You should be so happy he feels this way,how sad that he didn't realise this when you were on same page.I'm sure he didn't go through too much guilt when he dejected you,so don't worry about it.

 

I'm going through the same thing -I was in love with a guy for years he was in relationships etc and didn't do anything,I agonized over it,then I met someone else and forgot him.now he has been pursuing me for months and I started to feel interested recently,then he faded out for a few days, now he's writing again and I'm not sure I have any interest.

 

Feelings really fluctuate,you may change your mind.It does seem like people truly want what they can't have,are you sure there's not a bit of that in it,like now he's within your grasp -the romanticism has faded? Probably not.

 

I think it is a lot to do with the marriage,babies thing ,if he really wants that and you don't it can't really go anywhere,you should just explain that to him.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Feelings really fluctuate,you may change your mind. It does seem like people truly want what they can't have, are you sure there's not a bit of that in it,like now he's within your grasp -the romanticism has faded? Probably not.

 

Yeah, I'm positive it's not. I took whatever feelings I had for him out to an open field and put a shotgun to them years ago.

 

I think it is a lot to do with the marriage,babies thing ,if he really wants that and you don't it can't really go anywhere,you should just explain that to him.

 

I've told him we just want two totally different things at this point but he's been pushing the whole "Well we don't have to decide right now" bs. Plus I'm really having a hard time judging his sincerity given how adamant he was about marriage and kids previously. It feels like he's going through some changes that are skewing his view of both me and what he wants but still.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think deep down you still really like him but don't want to go there due to high risk of rejection like what happened before.

[kolleamm]

But how do you just turn off your feelings for someone?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

But how do you just turn off your feelings for someone?

 

I didn't just "turn off" my feelings for him. I worked at it, put some distance between us, forced myself to understand why my feelings were misguided and moved on.

 

On another note, typically it's actually pretty easy for me to "turn off" my feelings for someone, especially if the attraction isn't mutual. Them not liking me back is a pretty big turn off in and of itself.

[Els]

I understand how you would feel differently about him after so many years. The people I had crushes on several years ago, I wouldn't be interested in now even if I were single. It's about growing, I think, evolving and getting to know yourself and what you need from a relationship better.

 

Don't feel guilty about it as long as you've rejected him as gently as you can. You dealt with rejection and got over it, right? He can do the same.

[CaliGypsy]

You really sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and that you know this relationship isn't right for you.

 

You know you have nothing to feel guilty about . Feelings are what they are.

 

Most of the time, it's not "just like that ",it's that the changes are so subtle and gradual at times you don't see them dissolving. It can be the same with attraction . Sometimes it surprises you because it wasn't immediate .

Edited November 17, 2014 by CaliGypsy

[ascendotum]

....I was speechless. He is absolutely not that kind of guy. Love letters and putting himself out there like that are totally not his style. Three years ago I would have DIED to hear him say these things but I just can't reciprocate now. I've told him as much as gently as possible but he's very hurt. Now I'm wracked with guilt. I actually feel sick and anxious whenever I hear from him because because he seems so...dejected and I feel so guilty for not liking him back. Ugh.

 

Don't feel guilty. He is experiencing what you did a few years back. Its now the flip side. Yeh it sucks for him as it did for you. He did not ask for you to fall for him, just as you did not expect it with him. I'm of the school that if someone knocks you back, then changes their mind some years later, they better have a real good reason, and me now looking better is not one of them. I've had someone I liked comes back and it was too late, I was not as attracted to her anymore. I did feel a bit bad, but now wanted just fwb like the other guys she had been with in the meantime.

 

I don't blame this guy for finding you more attractive now since you said you had lost a lot of weight. It would make a big difference, and its a big part of attraction for guys but at the same time lots of women (or men going thu same thing) will resent it. They weren't good enough before, but now they are since their change in circumstances. The thing is though you could get in a relationship with a new guy who likes the new you but would not have had the time of day for you 3 yrs ago...you'd never know.

 

I am not going to say the guy blew it because you were big and he was not physically attracted to you, but obviously he was attracted to you on a personal level, but I don't think you should feel at all guilty for now not giving him want he wants. Your feelings don't seem out of spite but even if they were I would not say you were wrong for not wanting him any longer now that you have a lot more options. I also have found over the years that once a woman loses strong feelings for a guy, pretty much that's it, its very hard for the guy to re-ignite the flame. women can run hot/cold like that.

[will j]

You've got absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. The worst thing you could do would be to try to force yourself to have feelings for him. Just give him space to get over it and hopefully you can keep being friends.

[irc333]

I didn't just "turn off" my feelings for him. I worked at it, put some distance between us, forced myself to understand why my feelings were misguided and moved on.

 

On another note, typically it's actually pretty easy for me to "turn off" my feelings for someone, especially if the attraction isn't mutual. Them not liking me back is a pretty big turn off in and of itself.

 

Yeah, I think it was out of synch. If you like someone, they reject you....you move on...if like a year later, they like you back "out of the blue", well, there's a "Point Of No Return" situation. I think there's is no going back to that with some people.

 

They mentally think, "Oh well, they rejected me, time to move on."

 

I could be wrong though. It's a timing issue.

[serial muse]

I've told him we just want two totally different things at this point but he's been pushing the whole "Well we don't have to decide right now" bs. Plus I'm really having a hard time judging his sincerity given how adamant he was about marriage and kids previously. It feels like he's going through some changes that are skewing his view of both me and what he wants but still.

 

Yeah, this is interesting - that he's now ready to "nest" and that's prompting a 180 in his behavior. I'm not saying his feelings for you aren't genuine, by the way! Just that it's a timing thing. I can understand feeling guilty, because it sucks to hurt someone you care about, and even more so to know that there isn't any other way around it. But you sound like you've grown a lot in that time, and perhaps it's not just that you're concerned about re-opening the door to him, but that you see him through a different lens now. As Els said, I can totally relate to that - there are people who I once felt very drawn to who I now cannot imagine having dated (whether because I know myself, or know them, better - or both). Perspective and time do matter. He obviously sees you somewhat differently than he once did, too. That's nobody's fault.

[D.Mc.]

Hi Lerneean Hydra,

 

 

No guilt required. Never fails: girl is overweight (or some other physical issue) but connects w/guy emotionally & mentally deeper than anyone he ever dates - he see's her as just a really close friend & lets her know that repeatedly to make sure she doesn't get the wrong idea or scare off other pretty girls he's interested in.

 

 

Girl loses weight (or fixes whatever physical issue) & suddenly guy's confessing "been feeling this way about you" for xx amount of time = all the time you've know him while Vanessa Williams' "Saved the Best for Last" plays in the background LOL.

 

 

And they accuse the female gender of being shallow...