What do I do

[brianusn]

Hello, I have been on this site for three days since my wife decided to separate and I am a total mess. My heart aches that I failed our marriage and don't know what to do. I have been married for four years, together for about 6. I was active duty Navy when I met my wife. We met on a dating website and I fell in love with her the first time I laid my eyes on her. I have two children from a previous marriage and she has one. They are our world. We first started dating and I enjoyed every second of my life with her and her child. Our kids all got along. It was tough at first, but they accepted each other. Everything seemed fine, then I was told I would have to deploy for 3 months around South America. I felt so vulnerable because I spent every waking moment with her and the kids. I was worried that me being away she would leave me. We were engaged at the time. It was these worries that started my path down to craziness. I called her all the time from the ship keeping her awake and intruding on her at the wrong times. She lost full custody of her child due to a bad divorce. The judge favored her ex husband who was a police officer and she got every other weekend visitation. She was going through a lot but I became selfish and worried she would leave me to go back to him to be with her daughter. I became mean and accusing on the phone and in emails to her. Well she broke it off one month into deployment. I don't blame her I was so evil. I was so confused and hurt. So we were done, but I accepted it. Hurt and depressed on the ship my life felt worthless. She contacted me about a month out from being back home. She tried to get back with her husband to be with her child. And I don't blame her. I really don't. She was being honest to me and said she slept with him. My anger erupted like a volcano and it felt like I had no self control. I said mean things. I through a tantrum like a child not getting any candy at the store. I became rage. My heart burnt in my chest, my world felt shattered. She said she missed me and said that she didn't want to be with him, but with me. At first I was confused, then I let that anger subside because I knew I was meant to spend the rest of my life with her. So the last leg of the cruise we were reunited. When I saw her, I fell in love all over again. Things were great for a bit. I was told that I had to prepare for workups for a nine month deployment. This is three months of training across the country, and nine months deployed aboard ship. I was worried and I knew she was. We got married before I started the workups. I told her things would be different. I would stop the craziness. Well, once I deployed, the idiot crazy husband came back. I called, made a fool out of myself again. She kept hanging up on me, wanting left alone. We almost didn't make it but she stuck by me. And I took that for granted. I returned home and the damage was done, and she always had that anger towards me tucked away. Move forward a few years, we bought a house, I became super possessive and always worried that something was going to happen to bring that painful hurt back again. So I always asked her who she was talking too, whats going on. I bothered her, smothered her. She started pulling away from me and when I didn't get attention from her, I got angry, grumpy, in a bad mood. All this did was push her farther away from me. I felt the only way to connect with her was through sex. It wasn't the actual act of sex, but the connection it made me feel with her since she was so withdrawn from me. We had fights, etc. Sex became a chore to her. She was already unhappy with herself and her weight. When we did have sex, it was always with the lights off. So with that and her distancing herself from me, we fell into the a roomate type living situation. We had some good times, but then mostly bad. We would fight more and more because I strived for attention from her. I was selfish. I couldn't look past my wants to find out what she wanted, but she was reclusive. She kept saying she wanted me to not be mean, grumpy, etc. I always told her she looked beautiful. I always said I love you. She said that I said I love you so much that it had no meaning any more. I wanted us to be happy so much and forced my affection onto her, but all the damage I have done, wouldn't bring us back together connected. The more she pulled away, the more angry and terrible towards her. Well, it was the last straw for her three days ago when she said we were done and she was leaving. We got into another pointless fight because of me. It was always my fault and I accept that. So she went to stay at her mothers. I begged and pleaded. I found out through a third source she put a deposit down on an apartment and is moving 25 minutes away. She ordered a bed and everything. I was crushed finding out how I did. I been hounding her. We had one good talk and she actually said we can go to counceling and try to work it out but she is staying up there. She also gets her daughter for a whole week since she moved closer to her ex and his new wife. I know he is not in the picture because he is married and has a bunch of new kids. I pushed her out. I know I am at fault. I don't know what to do. Should I do this counseling. She left me with our house and everything that comes with it. Now listen, I didn't go into detail about all of our fights. But 95% of them I started and I was the reason to push her out the door. I know. I faced this. But her leaving opened up my eyes that I am about to lose her and I don't know what to do. She is a strong woman. And she has all of her family and friends here to give her guidance. I know some of that guidance could be wrong. I think it was a mistake for her to just leave but I respect her decision. I love her more than anything I failed our marriage. I want to save it. I want to work it out, but I worry she will meet someone else or not try to really do this councelling she said she would. What can I do. We are meant to be together and I ruined it.

[GirlStillStrong]

I also have extreme anger and temper problems, especially in relationships and sometimes at work. So I know where you are coming from and can assure you there is help, and assure you that you can change if you want it enough. I do want to say though that she is scared of you. I also want to point out to you that you need to get this under control before it is too late, that is, before it COMPLETELY destroys your life. She has left you so that is your first sign that your life is being affected by your anger problems. You're a ticking time bomb. And dangerous. But you can change this, you can fix it, and I really hope you do.

 

First you need to stop beating yourself up and start taking responsibility for your problem. You do this by letting her be, avoiding all topics of conversation w her that couldnpossibly stir up the anger, and reaching out for help from people who can actually help you. Then you need to see a psychiatrist about your anger. It is extreme and a doctor can help you. You also need to see a therapist to help you learn why you are acting that way and how to stop it. You may also want to look into learning stress management. Hospitals usually give free or low cost classes on stress management. I also strongly suggest you find a yoga studio and go and wear briefs, not boxers). Yoga has been a tremendous help to me in managing my temper.

 

You are letting your wants and your fears RULE YOUR WORLD. Is this how you want to live your life? Ruled by these two things? They say "jump" and you jump and eff up your life by doing so! Start to come to accept that it is in WANTING that we get into the biggest trouble. Teach yourself to calm your wants, calm your thoughts, and calm your anger.

 

Lastly, remember, dwelling on our fears will get us the EXACT result that we feared in the first place. Learn to recognize your fears, work through them with a therapist, and get them under control.

 

You have a lot of work to do. Time to get busy. Oh, and I wouldn't start MC until you have done the things listed above. You are in NO position to be negotiating anything and, quite honestly, have shown you do not understand your role as husband and father is PROTECTOR.

[Downtown]

Brian, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I agree with all the advice given you by Girl. It is important that you see a good psychologist to learn how to better manage your emotions. Until you do that, you will continue to experience the rapidly shifting, intense feelings you describe. The human condition is that, whenever we experience such intense feelings, our judgment goes out the window because those feelings distort our perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations.

 

Hence, if you want to be able to sustain a marriage, you must learn a number of emotional skills you never learned in early childhood. These include how to control your emotions, how to do self soothing and mind distraction to calm yourself down, how to trust your W (which requires that you first learn how to trust yourself), and how to avoid black-white thinking. Hence, if you decide to pursue therapy, the psychologist likely will spend no time talking about your childhood traumas. Instead, he likely will focus on teaching you those emotional skills you never had an opportunity to learn during your early childhood.

 

I became super possessive and always worried that something was going to happen to bring that painful hurt back again. So I always asked her who she was talking too, whats going on.

You are describing a strong fear of abandonment. Did you experience abandonment or abuse in early childhood -- say, before the age of five? If so, it is important to obtain professional guidance to learn how to deal with that fear.

 

I didn't go into detail about all of our fights. But 95% of them I started and I was the reason to push her out the door.

The irony is that, if you have a strong fear of abandonment, you will find yourself often pushing your W away. This is done because, when the fear is especially painful and dominating your thoughts all day, the only way you can get relief is to preemptively abandon your W before she has a chance to do it to you. Another reason for the pushing away is to test her love for you to see if it is real.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hello, I have been on this site for three days since my wife decided to separate and I am a total mess. My heart aches that I failed our marriage and don't know what to do.

 

I have been married for four years, together for about 6. I was active duty Navy when I met my wife. We met on a dating website and I fell in love with her the first time I laid my eyes on her. I have two children from a previous marriage and she has one. They are our world. We first started dating and I enjoyed every second of my life with her and her child. Our kids all got along. It was tough at first, but they accepted each other.

 

Everything seemed fine, then I was told I would have to deploy for 3 months around South America. I felt so vulnerable because I spent every waking moment with her and the kids. I was worried that me being away she would leave me. We were engaged at the time. It was these worries that started my path down to craziness. I called her all the time from the ship keeping her awake and intruding on her at the wrong times. She lost full custody of her child due to a bad divorce. The judge favored her ex husband who was a police officer and she got every other weekend visitation. She was going through a lot but I became selfish and worried she would leave me to go back to him to be with her daughter. I became mean and accusing on the phone and in emails to her.

 

Well she broke it off one month into deployment. I don't blame her I was so evil. I was so confused and hurt. So we were done, but I accepted it. Hurt and depressed on the ship my life felt worthless. She contacted me about a month out from being back home. She tried to get back with her husband to be with her child. And I don't blame her. I really don't. She was being honest to me and said she slept with him. My anger erupted like a volcano and it felt like I had no self control. I said mean things. I through a tantrum like a child not getting any candy at the store. I became rage. My heart burnt in my chest, my world felt shattered. She said she missed me and said that she didn't want to be with him, but with me. At first I was confused, then I let that anger subside because I knew I was meant to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

So the last leg of the cruise we were reunited. When I saw her, I fell in love all over again. Things were great for a bit. I was told that I had to prepare for workups for a nine month deployment. This is three months of training across the country, and nine months deployed aboard ship. I was worried and I knew she was. We got married before I started the workups. I told her things would be different. I would stop the craziness. Well, once I deployed, the idiot crazy husband came back. I called, made a fool out of myself again. She kept hanging up on me, wanting left alone. We almost didn't make it but she stuck by me. And I took that for granted.

 

I returned home and the damage was done, and she always had that anger towards me tucked away. Move forward a few years, we bought a house, I became super possessive and always worried that something was going to happen to bring that painful hurt back again. So I always asked her who she was talking too, whats going on. I bothered her, smothered her. She started pulling away from me and when I didn't get attention from her, I got angry, grumpy, in a bad mood. All this did was push her farther away from me. I felt the only way to connect with her was through sex. It wasn't the actual act of sex, but the connection it made me feel with her since she was so withdrawn from me. We had fights, etc. Sex became a chore to her.

 

She was already unhappy with herself and her weight. When we did have sex, it was always with the lights off. So with that and her distancing herself from me, we fell into the a roomate type living situation. We had some good times, but then mostly bad. We would fight more and more because I strived for attention from her. I was selfish. I couldn't look past my wants to find out what she wanted, but she was reclusive. She kept saying she wanted me to not be mean, grumpy, etc. I always told her she looked beautiful. I always said I love you. She said that I said I love you so much that it had no meaning any more. I wanted us to be happy so much and forced my affection onto her, but all the damage I have done, wouldn't bring us back together connected. The more she pulled away, the more angry and terrible towards her.

 

Well, it was the last straw for her three days ago when she said we were done and she was leaving. We got into another pointless fight because of me. It was always my fault and I accept that. So she went to stay at her mothers. I begged and pleaded. I found out through a third source she put a deposit down on an apartment and is moving 25 minutes away. She ordered a bed and everything. I was crushed finding out how I did. I been hounding her. We had one good talk and she actually said we can go to counceling and try to work it out but she is staying up there. She also gets her daughter for a whole week since she moved closer to her ex and his new wife. I know he is not in the picture because he is married and has a bunch of new kids.

 

I pushed her out. I know I am at fault. I don't know what to do. Should I do this counseling. She left me with our house and everything that comes with it. Now listen, I didn't go into detail about all of our fights. But 95% of them I started and I was the reason to push her out the door. I know. I faced this. But her leaving opened up my eyes that I am about to lose her and I don't know what to do. She is a strong woman. And she has all of her family and friends here to give her guidance. I know some of that guidance could be wrong. I think it was a mistake for her to just leave but I respect her decision.

 

I love her more than anything I failed our marriage. I want to save it. I want to work it out, but I worry she will meet someone else or not try to really do this councelling she said she would. What can I do. We are meant to be together and I ruined it.

 

Broke you block of text into paragraphs to make it readable.

 

You've gotten good advice. Were I your spouse, I'd be watching for the changes you need to make. Fixing yourself is the best chance to fix your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[brianusn]

Thank you for the advice. Yes I did have some issues and I was 6 or 7 I think. I was abandoned by my mother at my grandmothers funeral. She left me at the funeral parlor by myself alone. She took of with some guy to North Carolina. I will take this advice to heart. I appreciate everything you all said.

 

I also appreciate the breaking of paragraphs. I just typed away. Thank you.

 

 

I will seek help for the abandonment issues and the anger issues even if my wife doesn't get back with me. We talked some today. I'm pretty upset that I got left with the house and the bills as she got an apartment. She says we can try to work it out, but how do we do this separated? She did this behind my back worried about my reaction. But she signed a year lease. And how do I know it's not an agenda. I'm just confused.

[Mr. Lucky]

She did this behind my back worried about my reaction.

 

With all due respect, wouldn't you be also? Go back and read what you've typed.

 

Fix you, that's under your control. Any outcome you might hope for depends on that anyway...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GirlStillStrong]

She says we can try to work it out, but how do we do this separated? She did this behind my back worried about my reaction. But she signed a year lease. And how do I know it's not an agenda. I'm just confused.

I know, I'm sorry, it is confusing, isn't it? I think you need to take a big step back and a really long, deep breath. Seriously. Every time you start to worry or otherwise feel your brain just will not stop, just allow yourself to say "Okay, step back," and actually do it. Step back. Breathe. If you can't breathe deep, raise your arms above your head and breathe in again (when we are stressed we breathe more shallowly and hold our breath. raising the arms expands the rib cage and allows more air into the lungs).

 

This is your wife you are talking about. The woman you have scared. And she has told you she is willing to try to work this out with you. She has the apartment for her protection and her sanity. You do not need to live together to work on things together. You need to let her feel safe and the way she feels safe is by getting physical distance from you. It does not matter that she signed a year lease; that is probably what the apartment complex requires of her. You have to sign a year lease to get an apartment. There is no agenda.

 

Believe it or not, you work on the marriage by working on your SELF. It takes two people to make a marriage work and if one person (or both people) is not able to relate in a healthy manner, the marriage won't work. She is giving you the oppprtunity to work on your relational skills and habits, meanwhile her life is just business as usual. The stronger you become, the stronger your relationships become.

 

If you drink alcohol or do mind-altering substances, now is the time to stop. AA and NA are great programs for helping with this.

 

I want to gently point out to you that you have a bit of paranoia. Nothing to be ashamed of or anything, we ALL have a little paranoia. But it seems you might have some trust issues which probably are causing it. It's hard to trust people when you're scared they're going to harm you. She married you so she must love you. Try to focus on that.

 

If there is one thing i have learned doing this very same kind of work on myself it's this: Focus on what you DO want. NOT on what you DON'T want. Because whatever you focus your thoughts on is what you will attract into your life. So start getting good and clear on those things that you want for your life, your wife, and your marriage. You can train your brain to think healthy ways but it takes discipline.

[GirlStillStrong]

Hey I just wanted to share this with you. It's a book by a guy named Albert Ellis who was a therapist, PhD apparently, and ran the Albert Ellis Institute. I believe he created this kind of therapy called rational emotive therapy. IDK anything about it but he's supposed to really have known what he was talking about regarding anger. Here's a link to one of his many books, which I thought you might be interested in. They might have it at your library or you can order it from amazon for as cheap as 1 cent + $4 shipping. How To Control Your Anger Before It Controls You: Albert Ellis, Raymond Chip Tafrate: 9780806520100: Amazon.com: Books