'Til Death Do Us Part.. ?

[MissMoneyPenny]

Hi All,

 

Can you give me a reality check please?

 

When I was growing up my Mum didn't want to know me and my Dad died tragically. I had to look after myself from a young age. Naively(?) I kept thinking that when I grew up and got married I would have lasting unconditional love (like I briefly had from my Dad) and dare I say someone to love me til death do us part.

 

Anyway, there just seems SO many divorces these days.

 

So here's my question.. Is the only way I will ever have a high chance of receiving and giving lasting unconditional love if I have a child? It seems your child is always your child but it seems your hubby can just quit being your hubby at any time, without notice, whenever he chooses (of course the same applies to wives).

 

So if I never have kids do I need to get used to the idea that I may never have lasting unconditional love ???

 

Also, I hear people talking about co-dependency. Does wanting unconditional love from a significant other make me co-dependent?

 

I wish they'd taught us this stuff at school! I hope this post isn't too naive!! I am baring my soul here!!

[carhill]

Is the only way I will ever have a high chance of receiving and giving lasting unconditional love if I have a child?

 

Sorry about your father.

 

FWIW, most of my friends have children and, now, some grandchildren and YMMV widely as far as love, much less unconditional love, is concerned. I'd be loathe to have any marked expectations in that department but it's certainly nice to have the love of children during one's life.

 

So if I never have kids do I need to get used to the idea that I may never have lasting unconditional love ???

 

I think that's reasonable. Unconditional love is very rare and even the most obvious of those apparent loves is usually conditioned upon something, even though it may not be obvious in itself.

 

Also, I hear people talking about co-dependency. Does wanting unconditional love from a significant other make me co-dependent?

 

IME, co-dependency would be more another person letting you love them, giving little to nothing in return, rather than you wanting unconditional love. I guess you could want unconditional love so completely that you were willing to sustain abuse or neglect to 'get' someone to love you unconditionally.

 

Pretty much we walk life's path solo with some interesting stops, some longer than others, with fellow humans along the way. Feeling love is pretty nice. Myself, I tended to get more satisfaction and positive feelings out of loving others than being loved. Perhaps that's due to getting plenty of love as a child, IDK. In any event, good luck on your walk through life.

[MissMoneyPenny]

Myself, I tended to get more satisfaction and positive feelings out of loving others than being loved.

 

Thanks Carhill. When I was younger and needed a 'Parent', I've turned to teachers and then to co-workers for advice. I'm so grateful for the 'community spirit' I received from these people that I'm always very thoughtful, sensitive and caring to others and it does feel nice being that sort of person. I've been a bit too eager to find love over the years so made some not-so-good choices which is a big reason why I'm single at 34. Hoping some introspection will help to build a healthier future.

[newmoon]

lots of parents end up with murderers, drug addicts, sexual abusers, mentally ill, welfare recipients, etc. as their children, so there is zero guarantee that a child will bring you any love at all, and could even make your life more miserable. happy thoughts, right? you can't have a kid with the expectation of getting anything in return, and you can't look for someone hoping they will fill in the missing pieces of your heart and life. all you need is in you, you just have to 'work' on yourself.

[anika99]

Where ever did you get the idea that children give lasting unconditional love? They may for a short while when they are small children but once they hit their teens that gravy train stops..LOL.

 

 

Bad idea to have kids for the purpose of getting love. That's selfish and they will grow up, exert their independence and leave home which is how it should be.

 

 

Also there is a difference between loving someone unconditionally and being with someone without conditions. There are people who I have loved very much and I still love them but I had to step back from them anyways because they were toxic and not good for me. So in a way I could say I love them unconditionally since I seem to still have love for them even though they have hurt me but I'm still going to take care of myself first and not let them run all over me and my life. Many adult children do the same. They love their parents but they limit their interactions with them because they feel healthier and better with some distance.

 

 

So the idea that someone will love you AND be with you unconditionally and forever is a pipe dream. It's beautiful to love and be loved but there are never any guarantees. Better to find joy in giving love rather than always looking to get love.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

The only living being that will give you unconditional love is a dog. Humans are flawed. Find happiness within yourself and build on that with others, whether it be a husband or children later down the line.

[GirlStillStrong]

Yes, I personally believe that true unconditional love can only come from a parent. People are always demanding unconditional love in romantic relationships but what they really want is to do whatever they like and you don't give them hell for it.

[Got it]

Hi All,

 

Can you give me a reality check please?

 

When I was growing up my Mum didn't want to know me and my Dad died tragically. I had to look after myself from a young age. Naively(?) I kept thinking that when I grew up and got married I would have lasting unconditional love (like I briefly had from my Dad) and dare I say someone to love me til death do us part.

 

Anyway, there just seems SO many divorces these days.

 

So here's my question.. Is the only way I will ever have a high chance of receiving and giving lasting unconditional love if I have a child? It seems your child is always your child but it seems your hubby can just quit being your hubby at any time, without notice, whenever he chooses (of course the same applies to wives).

 

So if I never have kids do I need to get used to the idea that I may never have lasting unconditional love ???

 

Also, I hear people talking about co-dependency. Does wanting unconditional love from a significant other make me co-dependent?

 

I wish they'd taught us this stuff at school! I hope this post isn't too naive!! I am baring my soul here!!

 

I really recommend you going to therapy and working through these concerns. I am so sorry for your childhood, that is not a healthy upbringing and you will continue to have issues seeking acceptance without some help.

 

No one, and I mean NO ONE, can fill the void that your parents were not able to do. Please don't put that responsibility on a significant other, your children, etc. to try and fill that need. That is unfair to them.

 

I am so sorry about your upbringing and wish you well.

[MissMoneyPenny]

Thank you for all your posts, it has really helped me get perspective on this.

 

Thanks Newmoon. I don't have an image of perfect children in my mind and yes I appreciate that they can be a source of a lot of worry etc. I would want my children to be free to do whatever they wanted even if that meant moving abroad. I think that parent-child relationship means you always have a special connection even if you don't see each other regularly. And I think just having that special connection even if I rarely saw them would give me that unconditional love feeling.

 

Thanks Anika99 for your insight. I'm a very giving, caring and loving person. I think maybe I need to change my focus and put myself first maybe. I tend to put others before myself, perhaps this is where I need to change.

 

Thanks Smthn_Like_Olivia. Wise words.

 

Thanks GirlStillStrong. Very true.

 

Thanks Got it. I hear you. I've actually had some therapy in the past. I'm very aware that I have probably picked up some unhealthy emotional habits from my childhood so I do question my behaviors from time-to-time & I'm very open to change. I'd much rather seek guidance from forums like this than have a counselling session. My gran used to demand a lot of my time so I'd never want my kids to feel obligated to do things for me, I'd want them to be free to live how they choose. I think I had pinned a lot of hopes on experiencing lasting love with my future hubby (til death do us part!) & I think I still hope that happens but I will no longer pin so many hopes on this. Very special if it happens that way but ok if it doesn't. I will just appreciate each day as it comes. =)

 

Thanks again!