Whatever you do, never be in a relationship where your partner makes you feel ugly.

[Sweeetie]

Hello all,

 

I recently got out of a year-long relationship which was a little damaging in a way. I wanted to share my story so that others think twice and don't make the same mistake as I made.

 

I'm a 25 year old woman who has now been in 3 relationships including this one just gone. One of the main problems with this most recent relationship was that my ex never made me feel that he was attracted to me.

 

This started right from before our relationship. I met him about 4 months before we got together, and we became friends. He was always interested in other girls while I was around, even asking me to be his wing on some occasions. Even when we started spending more time alone, his eyes would jump to more attractive figures. He came to my house to practise guitar together, and he couldn't get his eyes off my flatmate when she came into the room to look for something and had her back to us, then introduced himself to her when she was going back out, asking her name and asking her to join us. She knew I liked him, embarrassingly, so politely declined.

 

On our first date, he took me to a very nice restaurant. We were sharing stories of past summer vacations. The subject of Spain came up, and he met it by commenting on how hot the girls are there.

 

Second date, he took me to a very nice bar. Most of the night was spent by him checking out our waitress, each time she walked past, to the point that I sometimes had to wave my hands in front of his face so that he would listen to what I was saying at the time.

 

I gave him the benefit of doubt, hoping that things would change as our relationship went on. Guess what, they didn't.

 

Sometimes I even asked him what he thinks about me on a physical level (yes, it got to that). He replied that he had always found me pretty but that "as I know, he finds many girls pretty ;)". He said that what made him fall for me was the fact that I was nice to him. He also said that the only time he finds me "beautiful" is when I dress up for special occasions. Not that there was anything bad about the way I dressed normally (and I am someone who always likes to dress to impress, just that I can't wear a ballgown all the time).

 

The guy also never looked at me with lust or desire. Being 25, I know what that kind of look looks like, and he just never felt that way about me. When we were in the presence of other friends who were couples, I would feel secretly envious of the attention and desire that the females were getting from their boyfriends, in the same way that a single girl would look on and smile sadly.

 

He would only be comfortable holding my hand in public if I looked "extra hot that day". But if there were hot girls in our presence, he would pretend he wasn't even with me.

 

I got sexually harassed by a guy at a bar in my ex' presence, and he did and said absolutely nothing. He didn't even feel angry, wondering why I expected him to be, telling me to not call the police and ruin the guy's evening.

 

One of his friends hit on me while we were on a break in our relationship- this guy went so far as to ask me to be friends with benefits in secret. Being loyal to my ex, I told him about his friend's betrayal, and my ex wasn't angry on his friend, instead saying I was bad to tell him what his friend wanted to be kept secret!

 

The guy had absolutely ZERO desire for me. It always seemed to me that I was the only one that was available/ that wanted him at the time so he started dating me.

 

I had many discussions with him about how unattractive he was making me feel with his cruel comments and ogling other women (something he ALWAYS denied), and guess what he said to this? "Well, you and I both know that there are more attractive people out there."

 

You might be thinking at this stage why I was with this guy for a year- the truth is that he was good on other levels and for this, this aspect got easier to ignore.

 

We went together on a summer vacation to an island a few months ago, for which I had spent a lot of money on many beauty treatments as well as a bikini for him to enjoy on our romantic time together. Guess what, the holiday was filled with arguments over him checking out different girls *every single day*. I broke up the day we came back.

 

I didn't realise it then, but 3 months on, I see that being in such a relationship knocked my self-confidence a lot. The thing that has been helping me get to the same stage I was at before I met him, is remembering that I have been with men who were indeed crazy about me, and the male attention that I still get as I start to meet new people.

 

I know that this post isn't vey pleasant, but then again if all lessons were pleasant we wouldn't learn much from them. Have a look at my past threads on here to see the details of what I have described above- Loveshack helped me to see sense and to get out of such a toxic relationship. I just really hope that this post will make at least one person think twice before succumbing to a relationship where they feel as low as my ex made me feel.

Edited November 16, 2014 by Sweeetie

[most_distant_galaxy]

Ive been in your shoes before. I think a big percentage of my boyfriends didnt find me that beautiful, and I wonder what attracted them/kept them. Whatever. My ego didnt let me get attached (I have a big ego for a woman, a man who will respect my ego I would never let go). And when I was younger I had some fun playing mind games with such men.

 

Its interesting that the oglers happened to be the less handsome boyfriends I had. I never told them anything about how annoying the ogling was. But It was funny to see their reaction when I was suddenly the one ogling, "secretly" looking at a handsome man across the room. I guess they started to feel uncertain about how attracted I was. And it was even funnier in a couple of occassions, where the handsome man was also looking back at me. The next days there was a "smitten" behaviour, but of course it wasnt sincere and didnt have any value. Also, none of the oglers was brave enough to start a fight, I guess they sensed I was with one foot out of the door and didnt want to rock the boat. And of course when I finally left them I became the love of their life.

 

Now that I am more mature , I would just stop dating them without games, the very moment I would get annoyed. My relationships get shorter because of this. I just get tired or annoyed a lot faster.

[Els]

I've read your previous threads, and I am very happy for you that you got out of that toxic relationship and learnt a lesson from it. Thanks for sharing!

[newmoon]

have also been in your shoes before and you wonder why you put up with it in retrospect. it does some long-term damage as you'll eventually discover as you age, lol. you always remember how that guy didn't compliment you or say nice things, so you really start to look for and appreciate that kindness in other bf's. good for you that it's over.

[Thegreatestthing]

Yes you should never go out with anyone who makes you feel ordinary,my current bf treats me like I'm the most beautiful woman on earth,he acts as if no other women exist, but definately I've known some who treated me like I was ordinary I kicked them in the balls.haha

 

They can't really help it,sometimes it because you're not their type,they don't feel a spark that sometimes sets off beauty etc.etc etc,he must have just settled for you cause you were nice to him,a sad thing.

[welyam]

every toxic relationship is not healthy one.

[youdunsay]

I see many red flags flagged.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have been in your position in my last serious relationship. It was awful. My ex wasn't quite as blatant but he made many remarks about how we connect emotionally and intellectually perfectly but I am not his physical type. He would often say that while he feels some "passion" for me, he wonders if that's enough and that he felt more for other women in the past . But then would backtrack if I wanted to break up. I now realize that after the first time he came up with these comments, I was subconciously getting back at him by acting out, starting random fights and generally destroying the relationship. I should have just walked out.

 

A guy before him, with whom I was for a few months adored me physically, constantly looked at me with lust and was all over me the entire time. While we really had nothing in common and didn't connect emotionally - after that relationship ended my confidence was sky high and I attracted many men.

 

I know now that I can't be with anyone who isn't physically crazy about me. The problem is that I want an emotional and intellectual connection (that I had with my ex) on the top of the physical. That's incredibly hard to find. It's all or nothing for me though.

[Sweeetie]

 

They can't really help it,sometimes it because you're not their type,they don't feel a spark that sometimes sets off beauty etc.etc etc,he must have just settled for you cause you were nice to him,a sad thing.

 

This is exactly it. My ex had the balls to say this to me within the first 2 weeks of us dating. He said that he didn't usually go for the 'physical type' that I am so I'm 'special', he said that he finds me pretty but that "as I know he finds many girls pretty" , that what attracted him to me was me being so nice to him. In other words, I was the only one that would let him shag me. It took me a long time to realise and accept this- like many people I was under the impression that a man cannot be with someone they are not that attracted to.

 

Thanks for sharing your stories girls! I truly cannot believe why I put up with that for a year. This guy was my 3rd boyfriend. My first and second boyfriends were absolutely smitten with me, looking at me with lust and passion, something that I spent 12 months trying to get out of my most recent ex. What was I thinking, lowering myself to that level?

 

It makes you more envious than you should be of other couples, especially if the girl is very attractive and you think 'I bet her man never makes her feel ugly like my boyfriend does'. It's how I currently feel when I see other couples- it's not that I miss my relationship, it's that I realise what it never had

 

Fortunately, because I did have more pleasant experiences with previous boyfriends, this recent relationship will not scar me for life.

Edited November 22, 2014 by Sweeetie

[Thegreatestthing]

Sweetie judging from your picture you're a very pretty girl,you will have no trouble getting another bf who thinks much more highly of you.

[Sweeetie]

Sweetie judging from your picture you're a very pretty girl,you will have no trouble getting another bf who thinks much more highly of you.

 

That's so kind of you to say, thank you Thegreatestthing

[dichotomy]

No one can ever (again) make me feel ugly or inadequate. Those days are over, I am in charge of myself worth and esteem.

 

However, it is sad to be in a relationship where someone does not feel about me the way I feel about myself.