M30USA Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 (edited) As time has gone by, post divorce, many things about my ex-marriage have become clear. I find myself being able to distinguish pivotal moments and even realize the significance of seemingly minor events. One particular event that I can recall with crystal clarity is when my ex-wife decided she wanted to destroy my guitar that was passed down as a gift from my parents (it was the guitar that my mother learned to play on). What I remember most is not that she destroyed it, but rather that, instantly upon smashing it, she actually smiled. She had a smile on her face. At the time, I didn't know what to make of it. But now, looking back with my knowledge about certain personality disorders (esp BPD), I realize that she actually ENJOYED that moment when she was bringing me pain. It was ENJOYABLE for her. Because people with BPD are so self-loathing and can't stand when other people are happy, they actually ENJOY causing pain and suffering in others. At the time, this was so hard for me to comprehend--for the reason that I would never try to destroy someone, even if I was miserable. So I couldn't accept the fact that she would do this. I therefore misinterpreted this subtle smile as something less sinister than it really was. I suppose I had to do it for the sake of preserving my marriage (at the time) instead of confronting what it really meant. Edited November 17, 2014 by M30USA 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 I'm sure this is not the first thing that came to your mind when you went looking back in time. I think you should dedicate a thread to all of these and centralize them there. It would help others to identify abuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 (edited) That inability for most of us to grasp this concept of the abuser actually thriving on and enjoying the things they do is the thing that keeps most people hooked in the relationship. Most of us simply cannot comprehend the idea that a person enjoys inflicting pain and agony onto another person, especially a person they claim to love. Even when we hear about murderers, we believe there is some logic to what they do, something that drove them to it. We simply cannot fathom that someone would murder someone because it makes them feel good. Yet, the facts show us that some people get a pure rush out of killing another human being. The same applies to abusive people and how they think. It's incomprehensible in our minds so we automatically search for other reasons as to why they do the things they do. But they bank on us not being able to comprehend it. They know that our minds aren't twisted like theirs is and they play that to their advantage...and to our detriment. I think back to all the time I used to spend trying to figure out the solution to my ex's behavior -- when things calmed down, when we found a house, when his job got better, when we closed on the house, if I answered back aggressively, if I answered back mildly, if I didn't answer back at all, if I proved to him that there was kindness in the world and that not everyone would abuse him like his father did, if I could make him really believe that I loved him, if I reasoned with him in just the right way, if I were a sterling wife who had zero faults... The lists of 'whens' and 'ifs' were endless. Not to mention the why's that constantly went around and around in my head. It wasn't until I read a book written by a man who had been around thousands of these people did I realize what my ex was made of. I realized that when he threatened to chop my cat up into small pieces and put her in the freezer, he got a kick out of the fear this brought to me. I realized that there was no winning with a person like him, except to leave. He was very, very broken and there was no fix. And, he was right about one thing. I did not love him enough to stand around and live in that situation. This is why I'm the ultimate meanie when it comes to abusers. I have no mercy on them and no sympathy. As far as I'm concerned, they are sub-humans. Btw, I'm really sorry to hear about your guitar. Just really sorry. Edited November 18, 2014 by bathtub-row 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted November 18, 2014 Author Share Posted November 18, 2014 (edited) Bathtub, that was probably the best post I've read in months as far as shedding light on my experience. Thank you. The hardest part is discerning which type of person you are dealing with. Some people hurt others unknowingly and out of ignorance. This can be forgiven, overlooked, and worked with. Others do it intentionally and it brings them enjoyment to see your pain. There is no progress and, most importantly, no relationship (other than illusion) with such people. Edited November 18, 2014 by M30USA 6 Link to post Share on other sites
D-Fens Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 I'm sorry you went through that. When I was with my ex, I used to torture myself with thoughts of all my 'faults' and justify everything he did because of the stories he told me about how badly he'd been treated. I realise now how simple the explanation is: He hurt me because he enjoyed hurting me, and he enjoyed hurting me because he's a bad person. Abusers always trot out the old 'bad childhood' routine. F*#k that. I've met far more people - some of the best people I know - who had bad childhoods and grew up determined to NOT use it as an excuse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted November 18, 2014 Author Share Posted November 18, 2014 (edited) I've met far more people - some of the best people I know - who had bad childhoods and grew up determined to NOT use it as an excuse. Yep, Isaac Newton was bullied by his peers pretty badly. There's also reason to suspect that his father was abusive (by today's anti-discipline standards). No comment is needed about how he turned out. I'm curious to know, however, how he would have turned out without this "abuse". God works in strange ways. Edited November 18, 2014 by M30USA Link to post Share on other sites
Author M30USA Posted November 18, 2014 Author Share Posted November 18, 2014 Repeat post. Link to post Share on other sites
Jewels7 Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 I know you posted this a couple of months ago but I just now read it. Thanks for your story. I noticed the smirking thing with my ex too. We would argue and he would literally make me feel crazy and confused and then when he would see how frustrated I was getting he would smirk. He loved to argue with people and if they started getting flustered that smirk would appear again (even with his own family members). I never saw it for what it was at the time. I just thought he liked being difficult and "debating." Also... I finally admit that I was abused. Not in the typical way... But through roughhousing which he claimed he did to show affection. He would pinch my neck where my carotid artery was, drive his elbow into my chest, singe my arm hairs with lighters, etc "all in the name of playing around." I guess he got some sort of sadistic joy in it? I'll never understand it and I wonder if he has BPD like your ex. Thank you for sharing your story because it has helped me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 6, 2015 Share Posted January 6, 2015 Yep, Isaac Newton was bullied by his peers pretty badly. There's also reason to suspect that his father was abusive (by today's anti-discipline standards). No comment is needed about how he turned out. I'm curious to know, however, how he would have turned out without this "abuse". God works in strange ways. Probably not in the same way, conflict does seem to breed innovation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted January 7, 2015 Share Posted January 7, 2015 (edited) Reminds me of the time my abusive ex smashed my playstation and smiled about it also just like your ex then he took a step further loaded my games in a backpack took my bike and road around me taunting me while I chased him for my things I remember crying all night as he took my only transport for work and road to his moms I was scared they would fire me as he had prevented me from going to work before, I did eventually have to quit when I made the choice to move away from him on a moments notice. My ex also had a bad childhood story of beatings etc but usually abusive people are manipulators so how much do you ever know is true and still its never an excuse. Like you D-fends I was always thinking it was my fault as well, even regularly told if I was better things wouldnt happen to me. And like you I eventually figured out that it was all bs and he was just bottom line a horrible person. To this day I always would of liked or wondered what the diagnosis of my ex would be, should be have been examined because he was insane maybe even belongs in some kind of care. Edited January 7, 2015 by Omei 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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