Darren2013 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 (edited) I think this dude is really a voice of reason on this subject. What he says makes a lot of sense. To put it in my own words men don't commit until they are given the right incentives to commit. It's that simple. As far as women taking away sex for X period of time as a punishment. I can only speak for myself and say that wouldn't work on me whether we are FWB or boyfriend/girlfriend because I don't put sex at a high priority anyway. Besides that I get more satisfaction from masturbation anyway so taking away sex wouldn't be enough of an incentive to get me to commit to her. Edited November 17, 2014 by Darren2013 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Divasu Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Funny video. I can't speak on behalf of men, but, as a female I believe doing a better job assessing compatibility properly is key, rather than allowing infatuation be our guide. The latter increases the odds of slipping into rose-colored glasses and making poor judgments/decisions. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Only some guys don't want to commit. They are usually the guys women want most.... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 I agree with the guy in the video.... There's hardly an incentive to buy the cow when the milk is out there... Also, I don't get why a lot of women flip the switch once they got the guy. You'd think they'd be kissing his feet in appreciation - but that's not what happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Only some guys don't want to commit. They are usually the guys women want most.... I don't know, like he said in the video...the amount of guys not wanting to commit is rising. Also, women work harder to "nab" the guy...They also work harder if they fear there's competition out there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 I don't know, like he said in the video...the amount of guys not wanting to commit is rising. Also, women work harder to "nab" the guy...They also work harder if they fear there's competition out there. Well I didn't watch more than the first two minutes. The first point is that if guys are getting easy sex, then they have no reason to commit. Usually the guys who are getting easy sex are the good looking or smooth guys that most women want. Those are the only men women are competing for. Most guys who don't get women very often are fine with committing. Though it may be because they don't have any other options. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darren2013 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 The same advice applies to men but in a different way. Just as women should not offer girlfriend privileges to guys who won't commit and only want FWB men also should not offer boyfriend privileges to women who have put them in the friend-zone. That is men can't get mad when she goes out with another guy when it was never established that they are boyfriend and girlfriend even though he is doing things a boyfriend does like doing favors for her, fixing her car or her computer, listening to her problems, giving her career advice, helping move her furniture, sharing stuff together, buying her lunch or drinks, etc. Don't offer boyfriend privileges when she is not willing to promote you to boyfriend status. In hindsight when looking back on interactions with my crush before we distanced ourselves from each other it seemed like I was being her work boyfriend there for awhile without the sex. I no longer offer to take a look at her car or fix anything for her. I'll still help her carry stuff but only because she is older than me and I was raised to respect my elders this way by taking initiative to carry heavy stuff for them. But I am not making anymore special trips to run errands for her for lunch or whatever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Well, I am not entirely sure how one can tell if one has a boyfriend or if it's just a FWB who helps out with stuff and that spends a lot of time with you (doing boyfriend-girlfriend stuff, not just sex)... I am not entirely sure on how to distinguish between the two in the first place. Some men are fine with acting like a bf, except when it comes to more serious steps like moving in. Does the fact that he doesn't want to move in together mean he's not a bf and doesn't want to commit? What's the cut-off line here? I think first we need to talk about what it is we're including in that definition, before even beginning to talk about why people don't do that thing that we're talking about.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darren2013 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 Friend with benefits means sex plus nothing. Boyfriend is sex plus the platonic stuff outside the bedroom and paying for dates, doing favors for her, etc. Doing platonic stuff without the sex is only a friend or best friend. If a woman calls a man her best friend then he is dead in the water and deep in the friend-zone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Personally, I am not comfortable withholding sex as I consider that to be manipulative/abusive. And besides, it's not like we have a specific time of the day that we schedule for sex. It's spontaneous and when the mood is there, it's hard not to do it without appearing like you're blackmailing. Why even keep dating when you think the only way to get someone to do something is by blackmailing or manipulating them? Personally, I wouldn't want to be with a guy who, on his own, without incentives or blackmail, does not think I'm awesome enough to commit to...... Holding off on having sex from the start doesn't necessarily solve the problem either. Some men might even stick around for a long time without sex, if the girl is sexy enough, only for them to "conquer" her then dump her. There are no "guarantees." I've heard this happen before.. And lastly, I did not realize that men commit in order to have sex. Really? If that is the only reason that men commit, then I don't want to have anything to do with the male half of our species. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Some people "commit" as soon as they agree to go on a date, others will not "commit" despite years of dating and/or moving in together. It is only a issue when a mismatch occurs. If I do not commit to you and you do not commit to me, we are fine, if I commit to you and you do not commit to me, then I am in trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 That is men can't get mad when she goes out with another guy when it was never established that they are boyfriend and girlfriend I don't agree - to an extent.... I think women in a FWB situation are less likely to date others - cuz, like the guy said in the video, a woman sorta "settles" for a FWB thing cuz she actually wants more with the guy she's with. If she's seeing other guys, that's definitely not a way to impress the guy. And, like he said, when things go sour in a FWB situation, the guy can just call up another woman he has...he sorta "rotates" his FWBs. I don't think women can just jump in bed with another guy and "rotate" guys so causally. If a woman is juggling more than one guy, either she's got issues or is using them. Be weary of a woman with a lot of male "friends". Also, I think a lot of guys intentionally enter into FWB situations cuz they want to be able to see others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Friend with benefits means sex plus nothing. Boyfriend is sex plus the platonic stuff outside the bedroom and paying for dates, doing favors for her, etc. Doing platonic stuff without the sex is only a friend or best friend. If a woman calls a man her best friend then he is dead in the water and deep in the friend-zone. Again, I don't agree...Sounds like your view of FWB is more of a FB. The dangerous thing about FWBs is that you "do" do things that normally a bf and gf do. You catch a movie/dinner, you spend time at each other's places. It's a murky combo of "friends" and "sex" - but, like the guy in the video says, when someone wants more and/or has certain expectations from one or the other, the "Hey, we're just friends" defense is raised. I went out with my FWBs. They bought me dinner, I cooked for them, they'd spend time at my place and vice-versa. My last FWB "OFFERED" to do things for me, but he was clear that we were only FWBs. He literally would look around my home and try to find things he could do for me. He realized my truck needed some stuff (that I was eventually gonna get to ) and he repaired it for me. He also did some handiwork for me. Every time he came to visit, he brought flowers, he paid every time we went out, etc - just like a bf would. I also reciprocated. I cooked for him, made picnic baskets when we went out, I even got him expensive stuff for his birthday. That's why it got hard when we broke up cuz I thought he was doing all those things cuz he wanted more - but he didn't 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Divasu Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 But I am not making anymore special trips to run errands for her for lunch or whatever. If you're not dating this woman, no, you shouldn't be making special trips and/or running errands for her. The man in the video, is correct in that women do need to be accountable with their bodies. But at the end of the day, engaging in sex is a two-way street. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darren2013 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 Again, I don't agree...Sounds like your view of FWB is more of a FB. The dangerous thing about FWBs is that you "do" do things that normally a bf and gf do. You catch a movie/dinner, you spend time at each other's places. It's a murky combo of "friends" and "sex" - but, like the guy in the video says, when someone wants more and/or has certain expectations from one or the other, the "Hey, we're just friends" defense is raised. I went out with my FWBs. They bought me dinner, I cooked for them, they'd spend time at my place and vice-versa. My last FWB "OFFERED" to do things for me, but he was clear that we were only FWBs. He literally would look around my home and try to find things he could do for me. He realized my truck needed some stuff (that I was eventually gonna get to ) and he repaired it for me. He also did some handiwork for me. Every time he came to visit, he brought flowers, he paid every time we went out, etc - just like a bf would. I also reciprocated. I cooked for him, made picnic baskets when we went out, I even got him expensive stuff for his birthday. That's why it got hard when we broke up cuz I thought he was doing all those things cuz he wanted more - but he didn't See I would be all confused if a woman cooked for me after we clearly established we are FWB. If we are not doing anything different than bf/gf then that means one of us wants more and is not being honest with themselves about what they are hoping to get out of the situation. I would probably decline eating what she cooked because we are only FWB. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 See I would be all confused if a woman cooked for me after we clearly established we are FWB. If we are not doing anything different than bf/gf then that means one of us wants more and is not being honest with themselves about what they are hoping to get out of the situation. I would probably decline eating what she cooked because we are only FWB. Ok, but remember, he was bringing me flowers and fixing stuff around my house? So, who's confusing who here? Maybe the key is to outline expectations... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darren2013 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 It is normal for friends to fix things. I fix things for friends sometimes whether male or female. It is cheaper than hiring a repairman or technician. Cooking dinner is a more intimate thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 I've been fortunate that I have not had problems with "getting men to commit". It always just sort of naturally occurred that after dating came the relationship, and with the relationship came a confirmed level of commitment between us. None of it was forced and we always had mutual interest. Just twice I dated a man who quickly stopped dating me citing that he did not want a relationship. I accepted it and moved on without contacting him again. I can't see how sex was ever a relevant part of the commitment equation for me. I enjoy sex immensely and once a relationship becomes sexually intimate, I do not withhold sex. I see no point, I'd be punishing myself! Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 I've been fortunate that I have not had problems with "getting men to commit". It always just sort of naturally occurred that after dating came the relationship, and with the relationship came a confirmed level of commitment between us. None of it was forced and we always had mutual interest. Just twice I dated a man who quickly stopped dating me citing that he did not want a relationship. I accepted it and moved on without contacting him again. I can't see how sex was ever a relevant part of the commitment equation for me. I enjoy sex immensely and once a relationship becomes sexually intimate, I do not withhold sex. I see no point, I'd be punishing myself! But, you've never been married... I think that most times the sex games and "mommy" behavior start once the ring gets on that finger...Then, the kids come along and the wife is prioritizing everything else except what she did when they were bf/gf - to keep him interested. I mean, even before marriage, some women will try the "withholding sex" game and/or controlling behaviors (i.e. you need to dump your friends and spend time with me), but I still think women are on their best behavior till they "got ya"...then, they get laxed. Also, women who are not married will also try the "withholding sex" game if they are trying to manipulate the guy into doing something for them. I kid you not, that Don Jon movie was good. Scarlett Johansen's character was careful not to sleep with Joseph Gordon Lewitt's character too soon, so she built up sexual tension, and before you know it, she had him going back to school, ignoring other chicks, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 (edited) Yeah, he's absolutely right and there's no doubt about that however the availability of sex isn't an issue that begins and ends with the individual. As if my not agreeing to become FWBs means a solid relationship will come my way. How many times has a woman started seeing a guy (going on proper dates, etc) and the guy is pushing for sex soon after? Now obviously the choice is hers whether to give in or not but, there's not exactly some reward for her for being such a "good girl" and making it clear she's waiting for commitment at the end of the day. The guy will in many cases, simply move on to someone else who is willing to give up sex or worse, keep seeing her because he enjoys her company but having sex with other women and never taking steps to commit to this one woman in particular because he's getting sex elsewhere and "doesn't want to be tied down". 9/10 at that point, she either (foolishly) gives in and has sex with him hoping that will make him commit or the relationship fizzles out and she starts the cycle all over again with someone new. Edited November 17, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Funny video. I can't speak on behalf of men, but, as a female I believe doing a better job assessing compatibility properly is key, rather than allowing infatuation be our guide. The latter increases the odds of slipping into rose-colored glasses and making poor judgments/decisions. Finally, something you and I can agree on. Question is though, how many will admit on here that this is their primary MO? Link to post Share on other sites
Divasu Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Finally, something you and I can agree on. Question is though, how many will admit on here that this is their primary MO? Good to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 The dangerous thing about FWBs is that you "do" do things that normally a bf and gf do. You catch a movie/dinner, you spend time at each other's places. It's a murky combo of "friends" and "sex" - but, like the guy in the video says, when someone wants more and/or has certain expectations from one or the other, the "Hey, we're just friends" defense is raised. OK, so what sets FWB apart from being real bf-gf/a relationship? How does one know whether one is not in a FWB, if it's such a murky combo of doing stuff together that is not restricted to sex? And what if a guy in a FWB feels the pressure from the woman and says "I love you", without actually meaning it? (as my ex did) Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 That's why it got hard when we broke up cuz I thought he was doing all those things cuz he wanted more - but he didn't "More" like what? Moving in together ? The idea that some day you two would get engaged and then married? So I guess that's ultimately the criterion for whether or not it's a relationship vs FWB? I guess that means I'm in a FWB with the single dad I've been seeing , since he mentioned he doesn't want a woman to move in with him since that kill the romance, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted November 18, 2014 Share Posted November 18, 2014 Most men want to commit but it has to be something worth committing to. I thought after my first that I wanted no part of it anymore but I had somebody worth it and I changed my mind. Men are not blind and we see what other guys are going through or have gone through. We see the men who have been chewed up and spit out by the divorce courts and we see the men who are still with a woman but are a shell of a man twisting themselves into knots to please a resentful woman who never seems to be happy. Not all relationships are like this but enough are that men who are aware are very careful. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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