Jukeboxhero77 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 (edited) Ok so in a nut shell my wife cheated on me in Afghanistan, a year later I cheated on her, up until this point we agreed to fix things and we were doing ok. Now to 2 weeks ago while I was away for 6 weeks of military training she had another affair, this time was different though, we agreed to go see a counselor and we wanted to fix things but I'm afraid that's not the truth. I think she's only doing it for our 2 children. She says "it's not you its me" which in my experience as a guy is a lame ass excuse for I don't want to tell the truth. Anyways I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. So she tells me and the counselor she doesn't know what she wants anymore, obviously what I did to her hurt her and she never truly got over it, but I've been showing her that I want to fix things that I still love her. I've been doing more things to show her that than I've done in a while, and it seems to me she doesn't really care. There is zero affection unless I kiss her, she refuses to have sex until she can figure things out, she won't even hold my hand anymore. I Mean if I were to see this from outside the box I would have told the guy to leave immediately but I just can't give up that easy, I need a woman's perspective, is there any hope? It's a long story and I may have forgot a few things but I'll fill them in if there's any questions or if I think of them. One thoughts really bothers me is she did things to him and with him that I've wanted to do for a while, that I've wanted her to do for a while, but she never would. I need help!! Edited November 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jukeboxhero77 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 And as far as the sex goes, we have always been extremely sexually active, everyday at least once type of active so this is a HUGE wedge lol I mean if it helpsi have no problem waiting but damn it sucks and I'm afraid it's just she doesn't want sex with me, she doesn't want the emotional connection with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jukeboxhero77 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 There def is a disconnect between us and she's trying to figure out where it is, up until I found out about this last affair I thought we were doing better as a couple Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jukeboxhero77 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 What should I do?? Link to post Share on other sites
tikay00 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 (edited) Never had that line used on me, but whenever it's the "it's not you, it's me." No point in trying to win them back. That's basically saying, "you didn't do anything for me to leave you. I'm just bored, and there's really nothing you can do to improve on for me to come back." That's just how I interpret it. Edited November 17, 2014 by tikay00 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 She cheated on you. You then cheated on her. Then she cheated again. "So she tells me and the counselor she doesn't know what she wants anymore, obviously what I did to her hurt her and she never truly got over it, but I've been showing her that I want to fix things that I still love her." So what she did wasn't hurtful and the onus is on you to fix it and show her that you still love her? It doesn't make sense to me. On another note, the "it's not you it's me" line is often used when one doesn't have the courage to say they don't want the relationships anymore. It's a read between the lines. Once we can't even stand holding your hand, it's done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 Hi, are you both military? I ask because you said your wife cheated while in Afghan. I ask as I am ex military (from a long time ago) my husband left 4 years ago after 26 yrs service. Military life is sort of unreal, if it is anything like our time a lot of social life revolves around socialising and living for the day. I also think a lot of military have a, live for today mentality, which can be really hard on any relationship. Of course you know now that cheating, for anyone, is no way to live or to solve problems. it takes a lot of hard work to rebuild a relationship with infidelity in its history. But it can be done. I think that some A's are all about the thrill and secrecy, it gives them an edge over the ordinary day to day that happens in most relationships. In my experience, being in the military also means that the military comes first, it has to, life has to be planned and revolve around duty. When my H cheated, the first thing I asked myself is, do I want to be without this man for the rest of my life (we have almost 30 yrs history), then do I want to be with him, can I forgive, can we rebuild a relationship that is different from the old. Do I love and respect him (of course) and can I forgive. I also asked of myself, is this the life I would choose, do I want to live the way we do and if we were an us and not just two people who had married and were hanging on for grim death. Luckily for us we managed to reconcile, very happily. It took work, lots of it. My H used to say it's not you, it's me (him being me). I could agree that how he chose to deal with things was different to mine and he had PTSD and the A gave him a compartment to slide into where life was all fun, and laughs. Maybe your wife is struggling to understand what she wants out of life, maybe she is afraid you two have no future because of the A's and maybe she is unhappy and you would both be better off apart. You will never know unless you both sit down and talk, with no blame, just two people who love or have loved each other wanting to make the right decisions. When H and I talk, I always use the we word, not you or I when tackling problems, it can be too easy to fall into a blame game. Talk, and talk and listen, don't fall into latching onto something then argue, just be two people who want the same thing - for the other to be happy. Be prepared for hurtful stuff, don't ask for truth if it is to throw it back in the other's face. I shall pop onto the site to see how things are and wish you and she all the very best x seren Link to post Share on other sites
AlexfromBoston Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Hey Juke, this is definitely a terrible and toxic situation. Thankfully, you seem pretty well adjusted and concerned over this whole mess of a situation. I personally don't think relationship counselors can ever truly solve issues, rather they help by just slapping a bandaid over the problem. You and your wife should know exactly whats going on and only you can decide if the relationship is worth saving or not. I understand you have two children, but in my personal opinion it is far better to end a relationship on good terms than to try and fight for it to work for the sake of the children. Usually when adults choose the latter of the two, it typically ends on terrible terms. Unless you can address the issue at hand, time and space will not correct these problems as is evident by your lengthy deployment. I would sit down and talk this one over...as long as the children have both parents in the picture, harmoniously of course, the break up won't be completely detrimental. After all, 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Good luck man, this is a tough situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 "Its me not you" she said" Bullsh-t, they all say that, it means fekk all under any circumstances, just negative stroking to make them feel better, don't believe it mate tell her to go and eff herself, either she wants you or she doesn't, either way pal you deserve better, good luck mate thinking of you and all you are suffering and have been through at the behest of your wonderfull enlightened US government, (not), they are about as honest and on the ball as Tony B Liar was all those years ago but that is another story all together. Link to post Share on other sites
chados Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 they say its not me its you because thats the easiest way and the best known way for any person to ask for forgivness. to not hurt the other person, and to make them believe that they really are good enough but its just me. i have a problem.. breakups rarely makes 100% sense. dumpers do everything to get out as friends. even if they dont want to stay friends they will do everything they can to not hurt you. there is no way for anyone in here to tell if things will work out. every person and relationship is different. i think deep down youre the only person who can feel if theres something there. i just went through a breakup and i know its stupid to believe that she will come back, but i really do. not saying i will sit her and wait for however long that is. but i do think she will regret it. now do you really think your wife will regret it? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts