Darren's Guide for when men should say I love you

[Art_Critic]

I wouldn't think a guide is needed for this.. but...

 

IMO.. you tell a woman you love her when you feel it, no sooner and no later..

[Gloria25]

Yes, but making dinner 2 HOURS EARLY is not gonna solve that particular issue. Reheated food is usually NOT the way to win someone's heart!

 

But you didn't answer... why would you not aim to have it ready as she walks in the front door? Why would it be 2 hours early?

 

Not to derail from the thread, but when you work different schedules and/or eat at different times, sometimes you can't get food on the table on time.

 

Today and now that I'm home (for now) I get up early and cook so my mom can take fresh food to work (I mean, I can take a nap later...ha ha). But, I still put up mine in the fridge to eat in the evening.

 

When I go back to work, it'll get worst. I mean, I've had times I've had to cook the day before, or she'd have to cook or whatever.

 

But, I rather we eat "reheated" food than her and/or me having to spend extra money buying out. Also, eating out too much isn't healthy.

[Darren2013]

Darren, they are going to do things that annoy you. I don't care how much you love someone or how healthy your relationship is, eventually they will annoy you. How you, and how they deal with that, is were being in a healthy relationship comes in to play. It is called communication.

 

I know a couple that shows one example of how to handle annoyances. She has an expression that she has used all her life, for what ever reason, he hates it. Every time she says it around him she has to give him a dime. I asked her how often she runs out of dimes and she told me she gets them back ever night. She sits on his lap after the kids have gone to bed and kisses him until she gets all her dimes back. After about 22 years...I think they both just use this as a way of staying connected. He loves reminding her to pay him his dimes, she loves getting them back. What they did was take something that could have driven a wedge between them (tiny as it was) and used it as a tool to be stronger.

 

getting annoyed is fine, its in how you both handle it that matters.

 

You express your wants and needs, they express theirs. You both work together to meet each others need/wants.

 

And I call bull$hit on the it is not manly to express your feelings. My dad never had a problem telling my mom he loved her and he was as manly a man as could be. My best friends husband is a bear of a man, and he has no problem showing and telling not only his wife but everyone else how much he loves her. It is a beautiful thing. By letting your partner know how you feel, it makes them feel more secure in the relationship. It makes them feel safer to grow and invest in the relationship.

 

By trying to keep your partner off balance, what you are doing is preventing them from investing in the relationship. They will feel it is not a secure option and will eventually look for more stable ground.

 

There is a saying, you will never win the lottery if you don't play. Well, by making all these rules to keep yourself safe and to ensure the evil sex starved females don't control you or think you like them more than they like you...you are ensuring that you will never win the lottery.

 

To find a partner, you have to open yourself up. You have to risk pain. And it doesn't always work out. Sometimes it hurts. But, sometimes it is so magical and amazing that words just can't describe it.

 

Darren, take a risk. Try to open yourself. if you feel love, tell them. Love is always a gift. Giving it away doesn't take anything from you. And often it brings back way more than you sent out.

 

 

Well I look at it as like eating at a restuarant or going to a certain doctor. If I am not satisfied with the service from that doctor then I request to be discharged and find a new doctor that I am comfortable with. I can't say that the doctor I am leaving is a bad doctor just because I don't like his personality. If I don't feel comfortable with him for any reason unless he has done something negligent or whatever then that's my problem and it is on me to find a doctor I feel comfortable being in a patient relationship with. I'm not going to divulge the reasons why I am changing doctors.

 

If a restuarant is not serving portion sizes to my satisfaction I'm not going to complain about it. That's my problem and I need to find a restuarant that gives more generous portions in their entrees. Unless they have poisoned my food or unless the waiter/waitress was rude or they kept getting my order wrong then really I have nothing to complain about. I just don't eat there anymore.

 

So it is the same thing with romantic relationships. Dating is really a trial run and unless I am married it isn't necessary to sit down and talk about how I don't feel comfortable with her talking to her ex boyfriend whether it is daily and they claim to be just friends or it is once every 3-4 months. And I certainly wouldn't think of marrying her until I was sure I could tolerate some things.

 

Nobody is perfect and each of us has a good idea of what we can tolerate and what we can't. Some things I have to pick my battles carefully. Maybe I don't like the way she has the toilet paper rolling on the rack. I prefer it to come down the back and she prefer the front. I am not going to break up with her over a trivial thing like that and I won't mention it to her either. I just accept that we have different preferences about which way to roll the toilet paper.

[ASG]

Not to derail from the thread, but when you work different schedules and/or eat at different times, sometimes you can't get food on the table on time.

 

Today and now that I'm home (for now) I get up early and cook so my mom can take fresh food to work (I mean, I can take a nap later...ha ha). But, I still put up mine in the fridge to eat in the evening.

 

When I go back to work, it'll get worst. I mean, I've had times I've had to cook the day before, or she'd have to cook or whatever.

 

But, I rather we eat "reheated" food than her and/or me having to spend extra money buying out. Also, eating out too much isn't healthy.

 

You misunderstand. I cook food in bulk all the time and put it in the fridge. That's not what this is about.

 

He mentioned that as a NICE thing to do, instead of saying ILY. So, if he had a day off from work and she was working, he'd prepare her a meal. Ready 2 hours before she walked in the door. Because he wants to be done early as opposed to late (as in, not a second after she walks in the door).

 

As a gesture, that's not a great one, though. If you're going to the trouble of cooking a meal to be nice, then make sure you're finishing it when the person arrives. Not 2 hours before.

 

No issues with cooking a bigger quantity and then putting it in the fridge for the next day or whatever. But that is not what the OP meant.

[Darren2013]

You misunderstand. I cook food in bulk all the time and put it in the fridge. That's not what this is about.

 

He mentioned that as a NICE thing to do, instead of saying ILY. So, if he had a day off from work and she was working, he'd prepare her a meal. Ready 2 hours before she walked in the door. Because he wants to be done early as opposed to late (as in, not a second after she walks in the door).

 

As a gesture, that's not a great one, though. If you're going to the trouble of cooking a meal to be nice, then make sure you're finishing it when the person arrives. Not 2 hours before.

 

No issues with cooking a bigger quantity and then putting it in the fridge for the next day or whatever. But that is not what the OP meant.

 

I might have someplace I want to go by the time she walks in the door. I like to be able to leave on the spur of the moment. 2 hours early is better than not cooking at all. What's the other alternative? For her to come home starving and nothing available to eat? I wouldn't want that if I were coming home. I don't mind eating food that is 12 hours old. At least there's something there.

[Gloria25]

You misunderstand. I cook food in bulk all the time and put it in the fridge. That's not what this is about.

 

He mentioned that as a NICE thing to do, instead of saying ILY. So, if he had a day off from work and she was working, he'd prepare her a meal. Ready 2 hours before she walked in the door. Because he wants to be done early as opposed to late (as in, not a second after she walks in the door).

 

As a gesture, that's not a great one, though. If you're going to the trouble of cooking a meal to be nice, then make sure you're finishing it when the person arrives. Not 2 hours before.

 

No issues with cooking a bigger quantity and then putting it in the fridge for the next day or whatever. But that is not what the OP meant.

 

I can't speak for him, but I think I know where he's coming from....

 

I think he meant to say that you don't necessarily need to blurt the words "ILY" to demonstrate to someone that you love them. Your "actions" would speak louder than an ILY.

 

I feel the same way. I get tired of the emphasis people put on birthdays and saying certain things. If I forget your birthday, what about all the things I do for your 365, 24/7???

 

Like this week, I saw one of those juices that I think my mum would like to try if she could. I bought it for her. It shows she's in my mind and I care.

 

But, I still try to remember the birthdays and even nag my brother to say sweet things to his wife (i.e. thank you for cooking today), cuz yes, people often need communication. I do that at work too. I really could care less how their weekend was, but I ask to create a genuine interest in them and it builds connections with people....Ok, well, sometimes I do care to find out how their weekend was - but not all the time

 

But really, if I was with a person that needs constant ILYs and/or communication of my feelings - over how I demonstrate it in my actions, then we would not be a match. That would be an exhausting situation for me.

 

But, going back to the dinner thing...If I'm trying to do something "special" for my SO and/or I'm cooking on a day we're both home, yes, I'll make sure it's nice and hot and not two hours cold.

 

I don't know, men and women are different...and I'm different from most women. I was listening to my podcast once and this couple lost a child. The wife called in cuz she was upset that the husband was not grieving like she was (she was boohooing and crying). She said, all he does is try to fix things around the house, he also makes it a thing to go and shave the ice off of her car.

 

Well, my podcaster had to remind her that men are not emotional like women. Men are "fixers" too. Him walking around the house trying to upkeep this and that is his way of comforting her - especially the special interest he recently took in getting up and shaving the ice off her car for her before she goes out and about.

 

BTW, I don't ILY to the family...I sorta "mumble" it or I do "Xoxo" or "Hugs and Kisses" - barely, rarely a ILY. But, do you know how much I have and continue to sacrifice for them? How much I'm "there" for them? They're always in my thoughts/heart - I don't need ILY to prove that.

[MissBee]

Darren, you can't even tell your coworker you have a crush on her...so I'm not sure about the merits of this guide.

 

Anyway, this notion that there is some formula, guide or prescription for these things is already flawed IMO.

 

It seems like a whole bunch of calculated game playing versus being an organic person.

 

It so happens that in all my relationships the guy said it first and except for once when I felt it was too soon, but just said it back too,the rest of times even though they said it first I felt the same and we went on from there. I did not need to measure out and ration how many times I would say it and all the rest but did it naturally because I felt like saying it.

 

Also...if someone declares they love you and you change the subject...wtf? This is not slick or smooth in any way but will be VERY obvious and awkward and upsetting for most women (and men). As it probably took a lot for the person to say it so for you to ignore it, downplay it or change the subject would not at all make things better.

[Darren2013]

If a guy said "why" after I said "I love you" I would think he was not self-assured, confident, or secure in himself. That would be a huge turn-off. I would probably re-think the "I love you."

 

Well to me the reasons people feel the way they feel are just as important as what they are feeling.

 

About 2 years ago I met this one lady on Facebook who became really attracted to me and loved my posts on Facebook and notes and my insight on some subjects. It was a short term light casual dates. No sex. I didn't let it get to that point. Then one day she texted me and said she loved me very much but didn't know why she loved me. Told me she felt drawn to me and that we are kindred spirits.

 

When she voluntarily added "I don't know why I love you but I do" that was a red flag for me. After that I just stopped talking to her. If you don't know why you love me then what that tells me is that you can't find any good reason to love me but you do anyway. That bothers me and it bothers me so much that I quit communicating with her.

 

So yeah if you can't think of a reason why you love someone then it is time to rethink the I love you. That past experience is what enabled me to put together this guide.

[Gloria25]

Well to me the reasons people feel the way they feel are just as important as what they are feeling.

 

About 2 years ago I met this one lady on Facebook who became really attracted to me and loved my posts on Facebook and notes and my insight on some subjects. It was a short term light casual dates. No sex. I didn't let it get to that point. Then one day she texted me and said she loved me very much but didn't know why she loved me. Told me she felt drawn to me and that we are kindred spirits.

 

When she voluntarily added "I don't know why I love you but I do" that was a red flag for me. After that I just stopped talking to her. If you don't know why you love me then what that tells me is that you can't find any good reason to love me but you do anyway. That bothers me and it bothers me so much that I quit communicating with her.

 

So yeah if you can't think of a reason why you love someone then it is time to rethink the I love you. That past experience is what enabled me to put together this guide.

 

Cuz, really, IMO, she - like most people, have no clue as to what love is, and just throw around the "love" word. Maybe she felt a connection and/or attraction - but "love"? Pleeze.

 

Yes, someone who just throws around the ILY - especially when they appear to be clueless as to what it means, is someone I'd be weary about.

 

Dr. Laura defines it best for me. She says love is "awe, admiration, and respect". So, while love may mean things to certain people and/or is often mistaken for chemistry/lust/attraction/emotions, I still think Dr. Laura defines it best. Think about it, you don't have "awe, admiration, and/or respect" for just anybody. Also, you'd have to know that person really, really, well and have shared experiences with them to gain that knowledge of awe, admiration, and respect for them. That doesn't come easily.

[serial muse]

I might have someplace I want to go by the time she walks in the door. I like to be able to leave on the spur of the moment. 2 hours early is better than not cooking at all. What's the other alternative? For her to come home starving and nothing available to eat? I wouldn't want that if I were coming home. I don't mind eating food that is 12 hours old. At least there's something there.

 

Nothing says I Love You like rushing out the door as she sits down to eat.

[anna121]

Ay-yi-yi.

 

My SO tells me he is in love with me every time he sees me. He also makes me feel it through his actions.

 

I would hate to give up either.

 

I say it less than him (OMG!!!).

 

Your initial post is all about power. Nothing else.

 

The most incredible relationships, hands down, are those where you GIVE UP your power. To the right person.

 

Nothing else comes close.

[ASG]

I can't speak for him, but I think I know where he's coming from....

 

I think he meant to say that you don't necessarily need to blurt the words "ILY" to demonstrate to someone that you love them. Your "actions" would speak louder than an ILY.

 

I feel the same way. I get tired of the emphasis people put on birthdays and saying certain things. If I forget your birthday, what about all the things I do for your 365, 24/7???

 

Like this week, I saw one of those juices that I think my mum would like to try if she could. I bought it for her. It shows she's in my mind and I care.

 

But, I still try to remember the birthdays and even nag my brother to say sweet things to his wife (i.e. thank you for cooking today), cuz yes, people often need communication. I do that at work too. I really could care less how their weekend was, but I ask to create a genuine interest in them and it builds connections with people....Ok, well, sometimes I do care to find out how their weekend was - but not all the time

 

But really, if I was with a person that needs constant ILYs and/or communication of my feelings - over how I demonstrate it in my actions, then we would not be a match. That would be an exhausting situation for me.

 

But, going back to the dinner thing...If I'm trying to do something "special" for my SO and/or I'm cooking on a day we're both home, yes, I'll make sure it's nice and hot and not two hours cold.

 

I don't know, men and women are different...and I'm different from most women. I was listening to my podcast once and this couple lost a child. The wife called in cuz she was upset that the husband was not grieving like she was (she was boohooing and crying). She said, all he does is try to fix things around the house, he also makes it a thing to go and shave the ice off of her car.

 

Well, my podcaster had to remind her that men are not emotional like women. Men are "fixers" too. Him walking around the house trying to upkeep this and that is his way of comforting her - especially the special interest he recently took in getting up and shaving the ice off her car for her before she goes out and about.

 

BTW, I don't ILY to the family...I sorta "mumble" it or I do "Xoxo" or "Hugs and Kisses" - barely, rarely a ILY. But, do you know how much I have and continue to sacrifice for them? How much I'm "there" for them? They're always in my thoughts/heart - I don't need ILY to prove that.

 

I understand people being different and having different needs.

 

But, if you read the whole thread, you'll also have read that the OP WANTS to be told ILY by his partner, however, he wants her to guess that's what he wants. And he won't say it back or at all because 1) it isn't manly to speak about his feelings and 2)he wants her to say it all on her own, without any prompting from him, so that he can feel that it is even more special, because she is doing exactly what he wants her to do but without him having given her any clues.

 

That, to me, is a game play that will ultimately backfire. His whole guide is, quite frankly, very weird. Change the subject when your partner says ILY, just so you won't say it back?

When my ex first said ILY to me, I didn't want to say it back. He KNEW full well I didn't want to say it back. And I didn't. But I didn't change the subject, ask why, or even thanked him.

 

You not feeling the need to say ILY is al well and good... but as has been posted here as well, it is not for you, but for your partner. You say it because they like to hear it. It doesn't have to be a constant thing, but it is nice. Unless they don't like it. Then don't do it!

 

But when you advocate that you shouldn't do it, but at the same time would like to have it said to you... I mean... that's just messed up. And game playing at its best. And not conducive to a healthy, lasting relationship.

[WhatIsLove2014]

Why the rules? It seems like you have the need to control! 1 in every 5 times...having something too say to deflect? Wow

 

I get that you don't have to say I love u all day everyday but why are you counting and planning? Its too much...just be natural.

 

Also, you said you doing sit down and talk to your SO if there is a problem you just leave....but how does your SO know that it is a problem if you don't tell them? Like staying in contact with an ex on fb? That's not a deal breaker for everyone. Do you give each potential woman a list of your deal breakers on your first date?

 

Stop trying to control everything and have things done your way. People can't read your mind, they can't scan you and know everything about you.

[Darren2013]

Nothing says I Love You like rushing out the door as she sits down to eat.

 

If I am not married to her then I don't need to check in with her before I go out. I can leave a note saying there's dinner on the stove and I am going downtown to do this or that.

 

Nothing says I love you on her end if she expects me to check with her before making a move. A loving relationship involves freedom. She wants to go out with her girlfriends she doesn't have to wait to have dinner with me first. There's no curfew in this house either!

[Darren2013]

I understand people being different and having different needs.

 

But, if you read the whole thread, you'll also have read that the OP WANTS to be told ILY by his partner, however, he wants her to guess that's what he wants. And he won't say it back or at all because 1) it isn't manly to speak about his feelings and 2)he wants her to say it all on her own, without any prompting from him, so that he can feel that it is even more special, because she is doing exactly what he wants her to do but without him having given her any clues.

 

That, to me, is a game play that will ultimately backfire. His whole guide is, quite frankly, very weird. Change the subject when your partner says ILY, just so you won't say it back?

When my ex first said ILY to me, I didn't want to say it back. He KNEW full well I didn't want to say it back. And I didn't. But I didn't change the subject, ask why, or even thanked him.

 

You not feeling the need to say ILY is al well and good... but as has been posted here as well, it is not for you, but for your partner. You say it because they like to hear it. It doesn't have to be a constant thing, but it is nice. Unless they don't like it. Then don't do it!

 

But when you advocate that you shouldn't do it, but at the same time would like to have it said to you... I mean... that's just messed up. And game playing at its best. And not conducive to a healthy, lasting relationship.

 

I don't want her to say it to me everyday but once every 3-4 months would be fine.

[serial muse]

If I am not married to her then I don't need to check in with her before I go out. I can leave a note saying there's dinner on the stove and I am going downtown to do this or that.

 

Nothing says I love you on her end if she expects me to check with her before making a move. A loving relationship involves freedom. She wants to go out with her girlfriends she doesn't have to wait to have dinner with me first. There's no curfew in this house either!

 

Er, nobody said anything about checking with anybody or freedom or whatever other stuff you just said. I just think it's hilarious to hold up making someone dinner two hours early and then heading on out the door just as she arrives home as the ultimate in expressing love. :lmao: I am seriously lol'ing. This kind of made my afternoon, thanks.

 

But hey! Love is a many-splendored thing. You do you.

[ASG]

I don't want her to say it to me everyday but once every 3-4 months would be fine.

 

That's cool. I find it weird you have a time frame, but whatever. And then what? You say it to her every year-year and a half? Just so that you keep with your "once for every 5 times she says it"?

 

And what if she wants you to say it more often than that? Will you still not do it, just so that you have this weird sense of power?

[Darren2013]

That's cool. I find it weird you have a time frame, but whatever. And then what? You say it to her every year-year and a half? Just so that you keep with your "once for every 5 times she says it"?

 

And what if she wants you to say it more often than that? Will you still not do it, just so that you have this weird sense of power?

 

If she wants me to say it more often then I would think she is jealous and possessive and I would have to re-evaluate the relationship.

[ASG]

If she wants me to say it more often then I would think she is jealous and possessive and I would have to re-evaluate the relationship.

 

Wait... you think she should say it every 3-4 months, but if she wants you to say it more often than every year, she's possessive and jealous?! How does that work?

 

Also, why would it be so terrible for you to say it every couple of months? Why do you establish these weird limits on yourself and your potential relationships?!

[Tayken]

Darren...just curious, how is this working out for you thus far, and do you have hard facts to back this up?

 

Oh, whilst we are on the topic......

 

[littleblackheart]

Now is just as good a time as any to try and tip that theory-to-practice ratio in favour of the latter...

[Shepp]

Because it is not manly to talk about my feelings too often.

 

Where as:

"I love you"

"why?"

inspires such an air of macho confidence!

 

 

For what its worth my other half actually says it much less than I do! :eek: I'm not the mushy words kinda guy, I'd rather say it with actions, but I still tell her I love her quite a lot - I've never over thought it, when I'm with her and I think it, I say it.

 

I understand you want to make it special and have meaning - my wife probably gives me one 'I love you' to every five 'you're an idiot/dork/some other moderate ribbing', but everytime she does its like shes letting me in on the best kept secrete - special - but way I see it, if you mean it when you say it then it hasn't lost its meaning. What makes it lose its meaning is when your planning it out days, weeks or years in advance and ticking it off like an actor performing his script!

[whichwayisup]

Ideally there's only 2 times I would tell my girlfriend I love her. Once on our honeymoon assuming we get married and once on her deathbed or my deathbed. If the doctor comes in and says Darren is not going to make it past sunset tomorrow then sure I will tell her I love her.

 

But most guys think I am nuts so they won't follow the ideal prescription. So a more reasonable guideline would be to tell her you love her once for every 5 times she says it. Saying I love you on her birthday or other special occasions like thanksgiving and Christmas is okay too. During thanksgiving you can tell her you thank God for her (if you believe in God) and that you love her. Hold her hand as you tell her this.

 

My husband and I say I love you daily to each other. Just because.

 

Hey if you plan on having a wife one day, you'll learn quickly you're gonna have to say I love you MUCH more than your so called 'guide' rule there.

[whichwayisup]

If she wants me to say it more often then I would think she is jealous and possessive and I would have to re-evaluate the relationship.

 

You have a warped way of looking at relationships and sorry to say, trying to control how and when one says I love you isn't cool.

[NJ123]

Remember the movie "Ghost" where Patrick Swayze and Denni Moore were walking down that dark street after the movie date? This was the scene before he got killed. Denni Moore asked him if he loves her. Then he answered that question by asking her well what do you think? She asks him why he never says it to her. Then he said something that makes a very good point. Patrick Swayze said "People say I love you all the time and it doesn't mean anything". He has a point. Love is a strong sacred word or should be treated as such anyway.

 

Not to be that guy, but it's actually DEMI Moore....